Copyright: I own nothing.

Crew Lounge, Normandy

"Shepard..." The only time that Garrus had ever seen Shepard like this three times in his life. One was after Virmire when Kaiden had died; the Second was Horizon involving the friendly distance between Williams and Shepard; and the last was during the Suicide Mission with the deaths of Samara, Zaeed, Jacob and Thane.

It was a mask that attempted to hide a feeling of complete and utter failure with minimal success.

"I am sorry for what happened to her and her people...but perhaps your actions are interfering with natural selection..." STG Captain Padok Wiks remarked sympathetically, "The Quarians were given adequate reasoning to halt their assault but they refused. Perhaps their extinction at the hands of the Geth was destined..."

"Genocide is never natural...the geth did not have to go this far." Liara countered, "They destroyed fleeing Civilian ships and tore apart vessels that had surrendered!"

"Destroy all loose ends, the geth have reason to believe that quarian survivors wouldn't attempt to reignite the war one day." Miranda Lawson added, "The quarians were given a chance to end the conflict and refused. So...the geth ceased their own opportunity."

"It is a mistake to allow the machines to live." Javik remarked distastefully, "I will not disagree with the beliefs of the quarian admiral. Machines cannot be trusted, even if his actions were laughable."

"If they weren't strong enough to last a day, what good would they be against the reapers?" Grunt asked with a laugh before being faced with an angry Liara, "Just asking that's all."

"An entire species was wiped out in the span of a day! You think that's funny?" Liara demanded, the aura of her biotic power covering her body as Grunt dared her to make the first move, "I suppose that makes the Genophage the joke of the century-"

"IF'S ITS A FIGHT THAT YOU WANT-" Both Liara and Grunt suddenly stopped in place while Shepard's eyes glowed with an ominous blue light. They both sat down just before Shepard's eyes returned to normal and left the krogan and shadow broker completely confused, "Eh...what happened?"

"I don't remember...we were about to fight and then..."

"I stopped you." Damian spoke, bringing his squad's attention to where he leaned back in his seat, "I've already got one irreplaceable friend in the med bay, I'm not in the mood for another. Save it for after the reapers are dead."

"Sorry Shepard...I'm just itching for a fight..."

"You'll get one Grunt." Damian replied to the Krogan's grin and addressed Liara, "The extinction of the quarian race is unfortunate...a lot of people died when they didn't have to. But they made their choice after we had done everything that we could to diffuse the situation. If they wanted to turn their ships into oversized coffins, so be it. I'm done."

"Shepard...perhaps you should retire to the Captain's quarters." EDI recommended, "Your refusal to sleep since Tali was brought to the Med Bay may place you there yourself."

"Thanks EDI, I will sleep...but only after I've gotten this off of my chest." Shepard said and stood up from his chair, "While I was in the Med Bay...watching Tali recover...I had a lot to think about. I thought about why she was in there...that she was the last quarian alive in known space...that she had worked her whole life for the sake of her people and when given a chance to reclaim their homeworld...they pissed away the opportunity and choose death instead. That's going to scar her for the rest of her life...she may never recover and that's unfortunate...because she doesn't deserve it."

"She didn't order the fleet to keep firing and she'll have to suffer the consequences for their actions anyway...just like us." Shepard continued, surveying the squad to ensure that everyone was paying attention to his words, "Some of you have only come under my command recently...some were with me during the Omega Run and a few have been at my side since I became a Spectre. You've seen what I've seen...you knew that the reapers were coming and the Council never listened. They had three years to prepare for their arrival...three years since Sovereign's attack and they sat on their high chairs...ignorant of what was coming and even when the reapers came...they refused to aid me...they just sat in the Citadel...fiddling their fingers while Earth burned and Paleven soon afterwards."

"So we've had to pick up the mess that they've left. We've had to pay the price for their failures...and a lot of us have died because of it." Shepard motioned to his right where the Memorial Wall stood in the middle of the hall, "Sometimes it feels like they just keep spitting on the graves of our fallen comrades, doesn't it? Jacob would be spinning in his grave if he knew what Cerberus had become; Samara would be offended about the asari's councilor's refusal to join the Krogan-Turian Summit; and Zaeed would call them all fucking pussies."

"Then light them on fire with his cigar..." Garrus added as Grunt chuckled and Miranda gave a light smile, "The ship was a lot quieter without him around...or Thane all things considered..."

"They gave their lives to save the galaxy and the galaxy pissed on their tombstones..." Shepard continued, "Mordin died because the salarians refused to let up on the Genophage Cure...Kirrahe died to convince the Council to help with the Crucible...the prothean survivors gave their lives to give our cycle time to prepare for what was to come...and we did nothing..."

"Javik, you once asked me why the warnings in the beacons were ignored and I told you that it was because they were hard to understand." Shepard explained, addressing the Last Prothean, "When I really think about it...that's no excuse."

"No...as you can witness." Javik replied, "If not for you Shepard, this Cycle would have lost a long time ago. As I had said...conforming to the wishes of others will not defeat the reapers."

"Maybe I should've listened to you..." Shepard agreed to the concern of Liara and Ashley, "Because from this point on...the bullshit that I've been tolerating stops here! No one else dies because of some idiot's stupidity and if the Council or anyone else doesn't like it? They can wait for the reapers to take them for all I care! I'm not losing another one of you to their stupidity! I'm not going to get on my knees and beg them to help stop the reapers! They can either help or they can die!"

"Isn't that redundant at this point? Everyone knows that the reapers are real-"

"But there are people who think that they can sit out the war...and fiddle their fingers as the galaxy burns." Shepard stated to Miranda, "Like the salarians...the council...Cerberus...or even the quarians. I'll probably take some extreme actions to ensure that this war is finished...if you've got a problem with that then I'll drop you off at the planet of your choice and wish you the best of luck-"

"AND MISS THE FIGHT? HELL NO!" Grunt smashed his fist on the table and smashed it into two ugly and uneven halves, "If I didn't wanna be in the fight...then I would've gone back to Tuchunka when Wrex ordered me. He'll probably try to pull open my skull when we're done with the reapers, but until then...I'm with you, Battlemaster."

"We all are Shepard or else we wouldn't have come back after the Omega Run." Garrus joined in, "You remember that right? The mission where we followed you to a base next to a black hole and had the giant proto-reaper that you nuked to kill?"

"Thank you...I'll take EDI's advice and retire..." Shepard took one last look at his squad and gave a simple nod to them before leaving, "Garrus! You've got the comm!"

"As usual..." Garrus signed as the squad broke up their impromptu meeting, leaving him with Javik, Liara, James, Miranda and Ashley, "See? No where near as bad as we all thought he would."

"That's a lie and you know it..." Liara stated, looking over a datapad detailing their previous mission, "He's barely keeping a lid on how he really feels."

"Good, he is saving it for the Reapers."

"Or the Council...or even the Illusive Man." James suggested, arms crossed over his chest which earned slight attention from Miranda, "Loco's been fighting this war by himself for three years...and everyone's been doing nothing but push him down the hill-"

"And you were on the Omega Run? Vega?" Miranda neutrally inquired, "Don't forget that I brought him back when the galaxy had given up and left him for dead."

"He was dead Miranda, Cerberus bringing him back was an honest surprise."

"Noted."

"Cerberus...speaking of no one listening to you..." Ashley muttered and then shook head, "Nevermind...everyone sees it now."

"That Cerberus can't be trusted? Everyone knew that Ashley it's just that..." Liara hesitated and then continued, "Nobody trusted Shepard when it would have mattered...and now the galaxy is demanding Shepard to save them after ignoring him for so long...he is the tip of the offensive against the Reapers and it's wearing on him."

"The battle for Rannoch made him snap...it's almost worst than after Horizon." Garrus remarked and noted Ashley's frown, "Nothing personal...it's just the truth."

"What happened on Horizon?" James asked and Ashley brought her hand onto her forehead, "Wait...were you and Shepard-"

"Yeah...we were..." Ashley bitterly answered the Lieutenant, "But after Shepard came back...working for Cerberus...appearing to be betraying everything that we had stood for...and just saying hi after I had to mourn his death for two years...I lost it. I got angry and turned away from him in disgust...so he moved on."

"In my cycle, lovers who abandoned their enlisted partners were frowned upon and remained ineligible for marriage for the rest of their lives." Ashley just stared at the shameless prothean, "They were also forbidden from adoption or artificial insemination. An unloyal partner makes for an unproductive parent."

"So what about abusive partners?"

"It was rare and impossible to hide." Javik explained while holding up his hand and ran a finger on top of the table. He then grimiced in disgust, "This table was used as part of a mating dance...two humans...one quiet and nimble as a cat...the other well-built, self-content and waiting for a prize..."

"Yeah...I didn't think Jacob could blush until I walked in on them-"

"The point is, domestic abuse would have been detected by a mere brush on the shoulders and the offender would be heavily punished."

"Can't say that I disagree..." Ashley responded, "Is Shepard going to keep himself under control?"

"I think he's tired of keeping himself under control." Garrus commented, "Remember when he gunned down that human from his old gang on Earth?"

"Don't remind me..." Liara inhaled as she recalled the bloodied mess that Shepard had turned Finch into, "Whatever Shepard has been holding back...Tali's attempted suicide and her condition...changed him."

"Perhaps for the better." Javik suggested, "Wrath is a greater weapon against the Reapers than despair and denial."

War Room

"The Geth as our allies? We are in tough times..."

"Anderson, when weren't we in tough times?"

"Good point. Why didn't the quarians back down?"

"Who cares, they're dead and the geth want to help us." Shepard said to his career-long mentor, "I've already sent word to Hackett and he's agreed to allow their assistance. On the condition that they be monitored at all times by organic overseers."

"The Geth went along with this?"

"Its a security gesture, the geth have already aided the reapers twice before and they suggested it." Shepard clarified to the Admiral, "And it's only for the geth being sent to help with the Crucible. The rest will join the war front once they've resupplied and honored the fallen on Rannoch."

"I don't really understand what all is going on...but now the Reapers have one less weapon to use against us and we've got another ally." Anderson said as Shepard quietly nodded, "On a more personal note...how is Tali?"

"She's...taking it as well as you'd expect." Shepard answered bitterly, "She hates me Anderson...I saved her life and she hates me for it."

"Her people were wiped out before her eyes Shepard. Give her time...at least as much as you can afford."

"I've placed her on Suicide Watch to keep her from trying again."

"And what about you?"

"Honestly...I'm pissed...angry..." Shepard admitted and punched part of the wall to vent his frustration, "Why is that every time I do something for the better of everyone...someone fucks it up and has everyone suffer for it? I told the quarians that they would die if they fought...but they fought anyway...even with two of their admirals supporting me...I just...can't believe that I could do everything right and still fail."

"The failure isn't your's Shepard-"

"Yes it is...I promised Tali that I would help her people and now...they're dead...because I trusted others to do the right thing and they didn't..."

"I know the war's been hell...but don't lose yourself. Everyone needs you to finish this fight Shepard...as hard as it is...Earth needs you."

"If more people had listened to me sooner like you and Hackett did...not that it matters." The present was what was important, the past was gone and the future was unwritten, "I've received a message from the Asari Councilor on a mission that she wants me to complete. Something that will help find out about the Catalyst that the Crucible needs."

"Good luck to you Shepard, we'll hold the line until then." Shepard saluted the Admiral as Anderson returned the gesture, "Anderson out."

With that, Shepard left the War Room and entered the CIC hall. He motioned to Samantha before entering the elevator to his quarters and to a decent nap...

At least as decent as he could manage considering the circumstances.

Med Lab

"No sign of rejection from native blood cells...motor control remains clumsy, but workable...your arm is in order Tali." Chakwas said to the upright quarian. For the sake of modesty, Tali was given an N7 sweatshirt identical to the one that Shepard occasionally wore, "This may seem like I'm insulting your intelligence, but I must ask...how do you feel?"

"Apathetic...Cold...Alone..." Tali replied to Karen's concern, "A step up from before don't you think?"

"It's actually a step backwards..." Karen stated while entering information into her datapad, "You're in a heavy state of grief Tali...worst than when you were put on trial by your people and found out about your father's death."

"Kal'Reegar was more of a father than Rael'Zorah ever was..." Tali still remembered the nightmares of the quarian marine being stabbed by a Geth Colossi and turning into a husk, "What's the diagnosis doctor? Sedatives? Physical therapy?"

"Right now...the only diagnosis that I can offer is acceptance and closure." Chakwas stated and tapped the synthetic shoulder of tali's prosthetic, "All I can do is overlook your physical recovery from your suicide attempt...whatever emotional and psychological trauma that you're feeling is something that I can't fix."

"At least you're honest..." Tali replied and looked upon her reflection in a nearby mirror. A frowning, broken quarian woman stared back at her without any emotion in her eyes, "I can't live and yet no one on this ship will let me die..."

"You can live Tali...but I won't pretend that it will be easy." Chakwas soothed her hand on Tali's left shoulder to bring the quarian's attention to the doctor, "You may feel like you're alone, but you're not. You do have friends who care about you and love you...we'll do anything that we can to help you."

"Since none of you will let me die...there's nothing you can do to help me..." Tali's face hardened as she lied upon her bed and hugged her arms over her chest, "Are we done doctor? I'm feeling tired..."

"We're finished here Tali...EDI's watching and listening if you need anything or anyone."

"Understood..." Tali replied as Chakwas left the medlab and someone entered, "Visiting hours are closed."

"I'm not visiting...I'm on guard duty. Shepard gave me the comm." Garrus answered as he took a seat next to Tali, "If you want to sleep then go ahead, I'm just here to make sure that you don't try to choke yourself or something."

"Honestly Garrus..."

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now..." Garrus said in condolence while Tali merely listened, "This must be hard for you right now...and that's about all I know to say..."

"Thanks I guess..." Tali replied, "But no matter how much anyone wants me too...I won't ever get better...not from this..."

"We're not asking you to get better." Garrus countered, "No one ever gets better from watching their people die before their very eyes. Just ask Wrex or Javik...they'll tell you all about it."

"Maybe..." Despite her grief, Tali could remember the torment that Wrex and his people suffered before the Genophage was cured. She also remembered that Javik was the last living and free-minded prothean in the galaxy, "They could tell me about what to expect..."

"To be fair...Wrex's people aren't dead and Javik isn't exactly the best person for a prep talk..." Garrus briefly chuckled, "He also isn't a big fan of the geth at all...let alone synthetics."

"Maybe that's the worst part...I have no one to blame but...my people..." Tali admitted while tears sprinkled from her eyes, "Everything that Shepard told them...was true...they...we started this whole mess...we forced them to side with the reapers...and when we were given a chance for peace...we spat in their face and Shepard's...and then I..."

"Everyone makes mistakes Tali." Garrus assured Tali as she quietly wept for her people and for herself, "At least you weren't the one who got them killed...not that it makes anything any better..."

Seeing Tali like this reminded Garrus of his last days as Archangel...holed up, outgunned and outmatched by various gangs who had teamed up for the sole purpose of killing him. He had gathered a squad of his own to fight crime on Omega and they died on his watch...they died because he couldn't protect them...

In hindsight, it truly wasn't his fault. How could he have known that Sidonis would betray him? But it took a missile to his skull allow the turian to see reason once again. Before then, he felt like he had let all of his people die when he should have saved them. That was where Tali was...trapped within her own sorrow because she can't see how it wasn't her fault.

Because she didn't want to.

Author's Notes:

The squad in this story will have three additions:

Padok Wiks joined after the Tuchunka Arc on Mordin's recommendation and deserted STG out of disgust for the Dalatress' attempt to sabotage the Genophage Cure. After Major Kirrahe gave his life to save him, the Salarian Councillor pardoned Wiks after the Citadel Attack and recommissioned him as STG's liason to Spectre Shepard.

Grunt stayed on the Normandy to recover from his injuries after Aralak Company was wiped out covering the escape of the freed Rachni Queen. After hearing about all of the battles that Shepard flies into the thick of, the krogan stayed aboard the Normandy to get some action. Wrex sent an email to Shepard that gave Grunt his permission to assist Shepard, but figured that Grunt didn't care.

Miranda joined after the Citadel Coup to better track Cerberus' actions and find her sister.

Shepard draws the line in the sand and the squad is a little mixed about it. Up until Rannoch, Shepard has been a mostly paragon character and now he's radically shifting his idealogy out of anger and grief for failing to save the quarians. This new idealogy named Renegon is going to conflict with some squadmates and even a few npcs, but he's not doing it out of spite. This a Shepard who has been pushed to his mental limits by an idiotic galaxy that seemed to ignore him at every turn and now he's realizing just how much collateral damage that this idiocy has caused thanks to Admiral Gerrel's own stupidity.

In short, expect heads to roll when he finds out about the prothean beacon which the asari have hid all this time.

Garrus as XO may seem somewhat random since he likes calibrating the Normandy's guns. An XO would ideally be someone who is familiar with both the crew and the ship so that he can act in the capacity of a commanding officer, not to mention needing decent leadership experience. So there is no canonical XO in ME3, I've decided to have Garrus fill that role in addition to Gunnery Officer.

Damian Shepard sees Garrus as a real brother after the Omega Run, Saren and being by his side from before he was a spectre, so I figured that it made sense for Shepard to make Garrus the Executive Officer when he's away or unavailable for various reasons.

Grunt's leadership experience is limited to combat, Javik would have half of the crew thrown out the airlock, Liara's already preoccupied as the Shadow Broker, Kaiden's dead in this story, Miranda is officially a "civilian advisor", and Ashley hasn't earned back Shepard's trust after Horizon, the Cerberus Paranoia and the Standoff during Udina's Citadel Insurrection.