A/N: I am floored with all the reviews, favorites and alerts in general :)
This chapter deals with Andy's feelings about motherhood, and a look into how Sam and Andy have grown individually, but also as a couple since reuniting earlier in the year.
Hope you enjoy!
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[chapter three]
Burying her face into her pillow, Andy hides her eyes from the bright sunlight that's shining through the bedroom windows.
The slight motion of her body when she yawns aloud makes the very comfortable hard body behind her tighten the arm he has around her from behind.
The dark hair covering his lower arms is soft against Andy's fingers, as she slides her fingers up and down his skin.
Sam.
Andy smiles brightly to herself when she feels the slight stubble on his jaw brushing against the soft skin on her bare shoulder.
Sam's warm breath huffs out against her ear making her realize that despite him having tightened his arms around her waist just a couple of seconds ago, then he's still fast asleep.
Gazing at the alarm clock, Andy notices that it'll be thirty minutes until the thing will go off, and melts back into the warmth that is Sam Swarek.
It seems that her insomnia dissipated as soon as she found out – and told Sam that she's pregnant. Maybe it had been the stress of it all?
She can still see the shit-eating grin plastered all over Sam's face when she'd told him that he would become a father in seven or eight months' time.
He had been elated.
Andy is now ten weeks pregnant and sporting a small baby bump that Sam loves to snuggle up against in bed. She has already caught him caressing and talking to her stomach, which truthfully is beginning to freak her out.
While Sam is contemplating which room to use as a nursery in his house, getting Andy to drink decaf and improving her eating habits, then all she can think about is all the things that can still go wrong.
She knows that her mother miscarried twice before she got pregnant with Andy, and what if that happens to her too? What if it's hereditary?
What if?
And what happens to all of Sam's plans – if that happens? Where will it leave her? Him? Or more importantly - where will it leave them?
According to Doctor Hale then as soon as she hits week fourteen the risk of miscarrying will decrease, and the doctor has encouraged Sam and Andy to tell their friends and co-workers by then – not to mention their Staff Sergeant.
Andy isn't exactly looking forward to working the desk for the remainder of her pregnancy, but that isn't what's occupying her mind right now.
It's all the things that could go wrong from now and until she's reached the milestone that's week fourteen of her pregnancy.
But even that evaporates, the second she feels Sam's soft lips ghosting across the skin at the nape of her neck.
"Good morning..," he speaks against the skin on the back of her neck, tightening his arms around Andy's waist.
The feeling of Sam's arms wrapped around her stomach makes a torrent of emotions run rampant in Andy. It's like being hit by a tsunami of warm feelings, but with it also comes the 'what if's' and all the thoughts of all that can very well go wrong instead of right.
"Top of the morning to you too," Andy retorts, swallowing audibly before turning around in his arms putting on her best bravado expression on her face for Sam's benefit.
"Everything okay?" Sam asks narrowing his eyes at her.
"Of course it is," Andy tells him with a little shrug. "Everything's just fine."
About an hour later Andy is standing in the bathroom; one foot up on the lid of the toilet moisturizing her leg, while Sam is sitting on the edge of the bed putting on a pair of socks.
"Isn't tonight poker night?"
"Yup!" Sam answers popping the 'p'. "Oliver has some idea that he'll be handing me my ass tonight, but I doubt it," he cockily adds making Andy snort out loud.
"Whatever you say, Swarek," she quips when Sam suddenly appears in the doorway of the bathroom, leaning his frame against the door jamb with his arms folded across his chest.
"You doubting my abilities at cards, McNally?" he asks with a raised brow.
"Have I," Andy says pointing a finger at herself. "Ever doubted any of your abilities?" she asks mockingly.
Sam doesn't answer her with one of his standard retorts, so she looks back at him, and notices that his eyes seem to be fixated on her legs.
"Sam..?"
"Hmm..?" he lifts his head to look at her eyes again realizing that he'd just zoned out on her. "Sorry, McNally, but you really shouldn't flaunt those things right in front of me."
"Those things?" she asks brightly placing her foot on the floor again before walking to the sink to brush her teeth.
Andy is coating her toothbrush with toothpaste right when Sam slips his arms around her stomach, his hands entwining on top of the small baby bump that she's sporting these days.
"I need to talk to you," he says resting his chin on top of Andy's shoulder watching their reflection in the mirror above the vanity unit.
"So, talk..," she speaks with her mouth full of foam from the toothpaste.
The thing of the matter is that what Sam wants to talk about isn't really something you can talk about with your mouth filled with toothpaste, but like everything else between them there'll never be a perfect time for it.
"I want to tell Oliver tonight..," the words leave his mouth as the most natural thing in the world, and it is.
It's just that the mere prospect of Shaw knowing makes Andy realize that pretty soon everyone will know too, and her plans to wait until week fourteen to make it official is literally floating right down the drain along with the toothpaste she's just spit out.
"Why?" she gasps out loud, wiping the smudged Colgate from the corners of her mouth with the back of her hand.
Narrowing his eyes at the scared look in Andy's eyes, Sam let's his hands fall to her hips trying to gauge what's going on in that head of hers. "What do you mean by 'why'?"
Casting her eyes downwards, she tries to come up with the right words to say to explain this to Sam, but comes up empty.
"Andy, what's going on with you?" he sighs deeply turning her around to face him.
Keeping her eyes trained on the bathroom tiles, she shrugs her shoulders small before attempting an answer to his question. "Everything's…"
"Andy, if the next word out of your mouth is 'fine' then help me God..," Sam cuts her off irritably knowing damn well that when Andy uses that word, she's anything but fine.
"I just..," she takes a deep breath before continuing. "I don't want you to tell anyone, not yet anyways."
Taken aback by her statement, he takes a step back reeling. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Sam..?" Andy begins to take a step towards him, but stops mid-step when Sam holds up a tentative hand to stop her from approaching him.
"Do you even want this baby, Andy?" he asks her with wet eyes that makes her want to wrap Sam up in her arms, but also knowing from his defensive stance that he's not up for any physical closeness between them right now.
Sam's hurt.
Because of her.
"How can you ask me that?" her voice is only a whisper when she asks Sam that very question.
"How?" he parrots Andy's question. "How am I supposed to react, finding out that you want to keep this..," Sam indicates her small bump with his hands before continuing. "…a secret."
Wrapping her arms around her body, Andy tries to generate some body heat with her only wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts. "I don't want to keep it a secret, Sam…I just..," she tries to search for the words that are seemingly out of her reach.
"What, Andy? What?!" he all but snaps at her.
"If Oliver finds out, it's only a question of time before the entire rumor mill of 15 Division knows too."
"What's so wrong with everyone knowing?" Sam asks holding his arms out in frustration.
Chewing on her bottom lip, Andy is once again at a loss for words. She should just tell him; yes, but burying him in the negativity that has been surrounding her lately doesn't seem fair.
Not with how excited he's been about her pregnancy ever since she'd told him.
In the evenings Sam pulls her feet into his lap when they're sitting on the couch and gives her a foot rub. Whenever he's around her, Sam's hands somehow always find their way around her stomach, rubbing at the very spot where their baby is growing.
"Nothing's wrong with it," Andy sighs covering her face with her hands in exasperation over her own disability to tell Sam what's on her mind.
"Then what is it?" he rubs at his tired face not understanding why she's all of the sudden pulling away from him.
He had been excited about telling Shaw, knowing that if there's anyone that he can talk to about his feelings about becoming a father, it's Oliver.
"Andy..?" he asks tilting her chin making her look directly into her eyes honing in on the expression in her eyes.
He can read her pretty well by now, but there seems to still be this space inside of her that's impenetrable – even for him.
"I'm scared."
Sam pretty much has figured that much, of course she's scared, he is too.
"You don't think that I'm scared too?" he asks pointing a finger at himself with disbelieving eyes.
A tear trails down the softness of Andy's cheek, which Sam uses the pad of his thumb to catch.
"It's not the same," she sighs walking out of the bathroom to get dressed, leaving a very confused Sam behind.
During parade she feels Sam's eyes on her from the doorway of the room. Andy doesn't need to look back to know that he's there.
On the ride in, they had barely spoken two words to each other, letting the music on the radio soak up the uncomfortable quietness in the truck.
Somehow she has ended up being on desk duty today, which is fine, but Andy has a feeling that Sam has had something to do with that.
The conversation she had had with her mother the other day keeps on playing on repeat in Andy's mind. Claire had unwillingly placed all her post-miscarriage feelings on her, not realizing that she had been telling a mother-to-be about all the risks in being pregnant.
Andy had wanted to share the happy news with Claire, but had been blindsided by her mother telling her about miscarrying years ago - twice.
She is standing in the break room getting a drink, when she's jolted out of her thoughts by Noelle's no-nonsense voice.
"McNally!"
"Oh, hey..," she greets her colleague, who's carrying her daughter on her hip. The cute little girl, who's very occupied with the teddy bear that she's holding in one hand, while the other is wrapped half-way around Noelle's neck.
"Can you do me a favor?" she asks hitching Livvie higher up on her hip.
"Sure..," Andy nods her head in Noelle's direction before letting her eyes fall on the little girl. "Hi, there sweetheart," she smiles brightly at Olivia rubbing her chubby cheek with the pad of her index finger.
"Great!" she exclaims holding the little girl out for Andy to take.
"Noelle…what..?" she struggles to come up with a retort, but after Noelle has handed Olivia over, she's already on her way out of the room.
"I'll be back as quickly as I can, I promise," Noelle tells her from the doorway of the break room. "I just have to go and hand our Staff Sergeant his ass!" she grumbles. "Can you believe that after having returned from my maternity leave, he's still putting me on desk duty? Can you even imagine going through that day after day after day?" Noelle asks striding from the room in confident steps.
"I don't even have to imagine..," Andy whispers before looking down at the little girl that's in her arms, who's looking up at her as if she has all the answers in the world. "What are you looking at?"
"Jus!" Olivia exclaims pointing a chubby index finger at the refrigerator.
"Alrighty! Let's look at what we've got," she tells the toddler opening the fridge and letting her eyes take in what she can offer the little girl.
"I know what it looks like…"
"Franklin Best!" Noelle's firm voice shrieks from the doorway of Sam and Traci's office.
"Noelle, what are you doing..," Franks begins to say, but is cut off by his wife raising a finger at him in warning.
"Don't even start!" she warns him. "I have been back at work for months now, Frank. Months! And all I've been doing has been to sit behind a desk and type! Type, Frank! And I've had it! I'm the God damn Foxy Brown of undercover escorts, and I'm not leaving this office until you've put me back on the beat!"
"Maybe we should..," Sam nods his head in the direction of the doorway trying to communicate to Traci that they should leave and give Frank and Noelle some alone time.
"You're not going anywhere, Dimples!" she informs Sam with a raised eyebrow. "Just in case my husband stops being a caveman, I'll need some witnesses."
"Noelle..," Sam says, starting to get up from his chair.
"STAY!" Noelle orders him with a look in her eyes that tells him that today is the wrong day to get on the wrong side of her.
"Where's Livvie?" Frank asks concerned, noticing for the first time that their daughter isn't with her mother.
"McNally is with her," she sighs unable to hide the happiness that she feels every time Frank's concern for his family shines through his otherwise stern exterior.
"Andy?" Sam asks on alert shooting out of his chair.
"Yeah, in the break room," Noelle tells him softly before turning around to look at her husband again. "Now, as I was…Hey!" she exclaims when he bypasses her, hurrying out of the office to get to the break room. "Dimples!" she groans looking at Sam's retreating back, as he makes his way down the stairs.
"Now, your Uncle Sam may argue that grapefruit or cranberries are the way to go, but he's a guy, so what does he know?" Andy arches an eyebrow as she watches Olivia suck down the juice through a straw. "Orange is the way to go, Livvie."
"Ange..," Olivia says around the straw making Andy smile down at the girl sitting astride her lap.
"Close enough."
Holding this little person in her arms, makes Andy realize how badly she wants to become a mother herself – if only she could tune out all the voices in her head that are telling her about all the things that could go wrong.
"Wanna hear a secret, Livvie?" she asks the toddler, making her look up at Andy with curious, big brown eyes.
"Kay'!" Olivia gets out before continuing to slurp down the juice.
"I'm gonna have a baby," she says knowing full-well that her audience doesn't know what she's saying. "And I'm petrified of all the things that can go wrong," Andy admits right when Sam is leaning against the doorjamb.
The sight that meets him; Andy sitting on a chair with Olivia astride her lap makes him smile. But the words that are coming out of her mouth makes him realize how blind he's been – of course she'd have dual feelings about becoming a mother.
It's only natural with her having been abandoned as a child by her own mother. Sure, Tommy had done the best he could, but even the few times that Andy has told Sam about her childhood, and the effects Claire's leaving had done to her – he's been able to tell that she's still struggling.
And with her becoming a mother in seven or eight months those feelings must have become tenfold – if not more.
"I love Sam, Livvie," Andy tucks a wayward curl behind the little girl's ear before continuing. "And I can't wait to see him holding our child in his arms, but what if something happens? Life is fickle, and I don't want to see him hurting if I..," words disappear when she looks down at the small baby bump that Olivia is leaning against.
He swallows a lump in his throat upon realizing what their fight this morning had really been about. Ever since Jerry had died, they had been through hell and back. Even after Andy had returned from the taskforce with Collins, they had both struggled to find a common ground, and with Marlo having been in the picture back then, Sam had been forced to stay away from Andy when all he'd really wanted to do had been to go to her.
"I want this baby and I want him, desperately." Andy presses her lips against Olivia's temple when a single tear makes its way down her cheek.
Sam pushes away from the doorjamb and walks into the room. The sound of his footsteps against the floor makes Andy alert to the fact that there's someone else in the room with them.
"Am!" the little girl squeals still unable to get the word 'S' across her lips.
Squatting down next to them, he leans in and kisses Olivia on the cheek before locking eyes with her.
Andy.
"I'm there when it matters."
When their shift is over, things have changed, shifted between them and Andy can't wait until they arrive at her condo to talk to him.
"Can we sit?" she asks a very familiar question with them standing by the rear end of Sam's silver truck.
"Sure," he nods his head at her before opening the tailgate of his truck, and indicating with his hands that she should take a seat.
After having made herself comfortable on the truck, Andy turns towards Sam with her lip caught in-between her teeth. "About this morning…"
"Andy, stop," he tells her squeezing her knee with his hand. "You're scared, I get that." He tells her quietly, as the wind catches her hair, pushing it in front of her face. Sam gathers the strident lock of hair in his free hand, and tucks it behind her ear.
Sighing, Andy covers his hand on her knee with her own. "It's not just that, Sam. It's much more than that, much more."
Shifting on the tailgate of his truck, he raises his eyebrows at her words making it crystal clear that he's confused by now. "What do you mean?"
"I talked to Claire the other day."
Closing his eyes briefly, while shaking his head Sam blows out a breath figuring that all he needs right now is for Andy's mother to interfere with their relationship.
Again.
"Figures," he grumbles under his breath pulling his hand away from Andy's denim-clad knee.
"Hey!" she exclaims grabbing his hand. "Will you just listen to what I have to say, and reserve your judgment on her until I've finished?" Andy admonishes him putting his hand back on her knee needing to feel his warmth on her body if she's supposed to get through the next couple of minutes unscathed.
"Fair enough," Sam nods his head in the affirmative giving her leg a gentle squeeze making it clear that he's ready for whatever comes next.
"As I was saying, then I talked to Claire the other day. I guess, I wanted to tell her that I was pregnant..," Andy shrugs her shoulders small. By the narrowing of Sam's brows, she suspects that he's wondering how it's okay for her to tell Claire, but it's not okay for him to tell Oliver.
"Right..," he gestures with a movement of his head that he's heard what she's said. "Sorry," Sam apologizes when Andy arches a brow at him after he's interrupted her.
Again.
"It was an evening where you and Trace were working late in the office on that Dumas case, and I needed to talk to someone," Andy licks her bottom lip before continuing. "What I didn't know when I'd called Claire was that it had been an anniversary for her, but not the good kind."
Sam lifts an eyebrow at her words wondering what in the world that can mean.
"Before I was born..," she swallows audibly before following that up with more words. "Claire miscarried twice, and that night was the anniversary of one of those miscarriages."
Knowing that if he interrupts her again, Andy will give him the evil-eye, he ends up squeezing her hand in reassurance instead.
"As it turned out, Claire needed to talk more than I did," she says. "So, she did. She told me about being over the moon when she'd told my dad – both times. And as happy, as she'd been then, she'd been just as distraught when she'd told him that they were gone," Andy looks down in her lap to where their hands are entwined by now before timidly adding, "both times."
Unable to keep his mouth shut any longer, Sam cups her cheek with his warm hand making her look up at him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted too, I did. But you've been so happy lately – talking about re-modeling your house, building the nursery, buying a more family-friendly car, I mean, the list goes on and on." Andy feels a tear run down her cheek that Sam wipes away with his thumb.
"I have been over the moon, Andy, of course I have. But that doesn't mean that you can't talk to me, even about things that might hurt. If we can't do that, how much have we really grown, eh?" he asks making Andy realize how right he is.
One thing that they had agreed upon after reuniting had been that in order for them to work, they had to allow the other person room to grow. Because if they didn't grow, they didn't stand a chance at becoming them again.
"I know," Andy nods her head in agreement with his words. "But that's what's been going through my head lately, Sam. All the 'what if's' and 'maybe's' have been driving me crazy, while at the same time scaring me to death."
Turning his body wholly against Andy's, he frames her face with his hands making sure that she's really looking at him and paying attention to what he's about to say.
"I get that you're scared, baby. I am too, but I refuse to let 'what if's' and 'maybe's' rule what's about to become the best experience of our lives. What happened to Claire and Tommy was an unspeakable tragedy – both times. But you know what would make it even more tragic?" Sam asks her honestly.
"What?" she asks sniffing.
"Letting it rule our present and our future. Bad things will happen, Andy. I can't argue with that. But we can find our own problems without bringing your mother's into it, wouldn't you agree?" he asks with a careful smile on his lips.
"Yeah..," she admits letting Sam pulls her into his arms.
"There's something else isn't there?" he asks running a hand up and down Andy's rigid back, as she pulls back slightly to look into his eyes.
"Yes," she says, while using the back of her hand to dry away tears she hadn't even realized that she'd cried. "I know that you're right about Claire – on both counts."
"Both counts?" Sam asks in confusion.
"About her miscarriages and not letting her influence our relationship any longer," she elaborates. "But I still don't want our colleagues or friends to know yet, Sam. And it's not because I don't want this baby," Andy takes his hands in hers, and places them on her small baby bump before adding. "Because I do."
"Then what is it?" he asks letting the pads of his thumbs graze against the softness of the tank top that Andy has on underneath her unzipped sweatshirt.
"We can't tell anyone, Sam, not yet," she begins to say casting her eyes downwards to look at their entwined hands on top of her stomach. "I need to do my job, and I can't if people know."
"It's not just about you anymore," Sam says tilting her head up to look him in the eyes.
"I know," Andy says nodding her head in the affirmative.
"So, what do you suggest?"
Looking up at him with bright eyes, Andy is surprised that he hasn't given her more of a fight on the subject. She had figured that he'd be just as much of a caveman, as Noelle had accused Frank of being earlier in the day.
"To give me room to do my job," she ends up saying watching as Sam's jaw tick away. "If I don't have this job, then I'm not me, Sam. Please," Andy pleads with him.
"I get what you're saying, Andy. I do," he tells her pressing his forehead against hers before continuing. "But the one thing that I won't gamble with is your safety and that of our unborn child."
"Okay."
"How about this..," Sam bumps his nose against hers before picking up his sentence again. "I will respect your job, and your need to do it, as long as you don't bring yourself or the baby into danger. If that happens, then I reserve the right to use my father-card to pull you and our baby out of danger."
"You're serious?" Andy asks pulling slightly back from him. She's stunned at his willingness to let her do her job, while being pregnant.
"Unfortunately; yes," he groans right before she wraps her arms around his neck.
"Thank you," Andy whispers into his ear when Sam squeezes her tight to his body wondering if he can truly keep that promise to her.
A/N2: Next up: Sam finds that he's unable to keep his promise to Andy when an undercover assignment falls at her feet.