Author's Note: As in the first chapter, all Beckett/Castle apparition-talk scenes will be in italics.

Chapter 2.) Where Are You Christmas?

The following morning Beckett had slept in. The twins, Jamie really, had been keeping her up all night. She had changed him, fed him, and burped him but nothing was working. Sometimes babies just needed to cry and it didn't matter to them for how long or what time it was so she stayed with him, Jamie lying on her chest as she reclined in the rocker, the music of Bon Iver playing softly in the background. Beckett was well rounded when it came to music but she had never been one for the New Age kind of stuff. She found out that Bon Iver was the only music that seemed to calm her and the unborn twins down when she was pregnant with them.

By 7 AM Beckett had placed Jamie back in his crib and then gotten an hour of sleep herself in her bed until she heard movement outside her bedroom door.

After taking a quick shower and getting dressed for the day she found Martha attempting to cook and Alexis helping but that wasn't what bothered her. What bothered her was seeing crates around the room and decorations out of boxes and the stand for a tree.

"What's all this," Beckett asked.

"It's December fifteenth," said Alexis as if the date were supposed to mean anything. "Dad and I always set up the apartment by December first but with studying for finals and school ending for winter break yesterday I hadn't had the time. I'm surprised you would forget."

Beckett swallowed. "I didn't forget."

Alexis looked puzzled. "I don't understand, then why didn't you get the Christmas stuff out?"

Beckett's mind was elsewhere to the first Christmas she had spent with Castle as a couple. She had gotten Karpowski to cover her shift so that she could spend the holiday with her boyfriend. When she arrived Castle had been on his way out to be with her. The two ended up in front of the big Christmas tree, staring at it and at each other. Beckett had spent the evening with him and his family as well as spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with them as well.

Castle had fibbed that he hadn't gotten her a present but in fact he had, it had been under the tree in the far back in case Beckett was serious about her plans for Christmas. One of the gifts had been a necklace with an elephant shaped pendant and the other had been a drawer in his bedroom.

Martha looked at Beckett, familiar with the lost little girl look in her eyes and then patted Alexis' hand.

"You don't want to celebrate Christmas do you," Alexis asked figuring it out.

"I can't," Beckett admitted.

"Just because dad's gone doesn't mean our lives have to stop."

"They're not stopping Alexis I just need time. You know how hard Thanksgiving was."

"It's always going to be hard," Alexis said getting upset. "Dad's gone and I miss him like crazy too but we can't put our lives on hold whenever something bad happens. You should know that better than anyone. You changed your life when your mom died and then when you got shot you avoided dad because of the feelings you had for him and he had for you."

"I'm not putting anything on hold. I just think it's best to take a break for a while until I'm ready to deal with everything that's happened."

"And what about us? What about me and Joan and Jamie?"

Beckett knew she was being selfish. It wasn't fair to all three of her kids or to Martha to cancel the holidays but she couldn't change how she felt either.

Alexis saw the look on her step-mom's face knowing she wouldn't change her mind but before anyone could say anything Beckett's cell rang. She ignored it.

"You know what," said Alexis, "That's fine. If you want to go back to being the person you were before you met dad then go right ahead."

"Alexis," said Martha.

But Alexis wasn't done, "Do what you want, you're not my real mom anyways. I wish she were here instead of you. At least she would honor my dad's memory instead of ignoring it."

Alexis slammed the door and as she left Beckett's cell rang again and Joan began crying upstairs.

"I'll get her," said Martha, "You should get that," she said indicating to Beckett's cell.

"It's okay, I've got it." Beckett sighed and turned to Martha before making her way up. "She's right you know? It's not fair to any of you. I just don't think I can do this."

"Now you listen to me Katherine Houghton Beckett Castle," Martha said taking hold of her daughter-in-law's hands. "It's okay. I don't expect the holidays to be easy. I never have. You could barely hold it together over Thanksgiving. So if you can't hold it together now that's okay. We can always double up next year. Alexis will understand, she just has to deal with this in her own way, like all of us are doing."

Joan continued crying.

"Thank you Martha. I should go check on my girl."

"What about work?"

"I want to make sure my kids are okay first."

Martha nodded and Beckett made her way upstairs to the nursery.

She checked on Jamie who was awake but not making a fuss so she patted him softly and smiled. "Go back to sleep buddy," she whispered.

She then went over to Joan's crib who was still crying loudly.

She picked up her daughter. There was no bad smell so she didn't need to be changed and she had been fed before six. The slamming of the door must have scared her.

"You're okay sweetie, you're okay."

Castle smiled as he stood near Beckett.

"You're so beautiful with her," he whispered.

"I'm so sorry Castle."

"It's okay."

"No it's not okay."

"Beckett I get it. The holidays are tough. First your mom, now me. I wish I could make it better for you."

"So do I. I want to celebrate for the kids sake but I-,"

"Shh, you don't have to explain anything to me."

"I can't do it this year Castle. I'm sorry."

"I know."

Castle placed a hand on his wife's shoulder trying to offer what kind of solace he could to her but he knew it would never be enough and it pained him like it pained her. What was even harder on him was that because of what he was, a spirit, an apparition or whatever energy the universe turned him into, he could feel every ounce of what Beckett was feeling. As an energy source he could feel the energies around him and none hit him harder than Beckett's because she was the one he was destined to be with so it made her emotions that much stronger, he was bound to her in a way he hadn't been with his other ex-wives and that bind only made it that much more difficult for him to be away yet as her guardian angel or what have you, he couldn't leave because of it.