Chapter 14: Heartbeat
Alistair tried to ignore the hum in his blood and his fast beating heart, hammering against his chest in a wild rhythm. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. The sound was deafening, the constant droning all but paralysing him.
He could feel their very moves, even just the tiniest steps. Their presence was assaulting his senses and he could not shut it out, could not fight it. He pressed his eyes closed, fingers buried into the bed mattress. Thu-thump. A quiet screeching in his ears, gnawing away on his nerves. Thu-thump. A connection that he could not severe, could not reject, could not deny. Thu-thump. His breath caught in his chest and every fibre of his body reacted when the mage entered the room, his eyes flying open.
Eynla remained in the door frame for a moment, her honey-coloured eyes fixed on him with curiosity, then she walked closer. Anders stood just outside right beside Nelaros' bed, not more than a few meters away. He could feel the song in their blood, almost as loudly as his own. How had he been able to stand it back then? How had he been capable of moving, of breathing?
Memories he had taken and carefully put away rose, faint images in his mind. Pretty eyes, like emeralds - vibrant and full of life. Thu-thump. He had taken the memories, the pictures, the feelings, and had buried them deep. Had drowned them night for night.
Eynla moved closer and every step felt like an assault, waves breaking against a wall he had built carefully and tenderly and held together with nothing more than blood and tears and will. He could feel the hairline cracks forming. Thu-thump.
He lifted his eyes to meet hers and felt himself tense, fighting the urge to sit up again and face her in a less vulnerable position. Her movements were quick and before he could so much as steel himself she was at his side, her hands hovering over his chest. Her skin was pale and her fingers long. Petit and feminine. And the song in her blood. Thu-thump.
He knew a woman once with hands like that. Small, deceivingly fragile looking. A single touch and he would forget the world. Soft, warm hands on his skin, in his hair. He did not remember, could not afford to. Take the memories and stash them away, bury them deep. Thu-thump.
Only now he realized that Eynla had been talking to him, her eyes focused on the wound that was visible through the ripped tunic he was still wearing.
"This might sting a bit", she said, "The wound is deep and I'll try to stop the bleeding. I am sorry, my fingers might be cold." Without further ado she put her hands on his chest, slipping them underneath the tunic and he could feel the magic seep into his body. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Maybe it was the magic or the taint or perhaps even the poison, but his reaction was violent. He could not breathe, could not move. He wanted to get up and away from her, to put distance between them. The world was spinning around him and the flickering candles were painting shadowy picture on the walls.
Remember the beautiful woman, hair of auburn flames and eyes green like emeralds? No, I don't. I don't. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Remember her grace, her power, her will of iron? The way she would stand tall and proud and oh so beautiful, a warrior goddess with her bow at hand and wind in her hair? No, never, no more. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Remember how she looked at you in that hall in front of all those people, how she looked at you like you were the traitor, the unworthy, the damned? No. No. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Remember how her eyes grew cold and her expression turned icy, her hand outstretched towards the murderer, the one person you hate more than anything in the world? How she told you to stand down? Stand down, she said, last chance. I don't remember. I don't remember a thing. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
There was a pained scream outside, but it barely registered with him. All he could focus on was the hairline cracks in the carefully built wall, fanning out and eating away at the mortar that held it together.
Hands on his chest and the magic flowed, seeping through him. The song grew stronger and with it pictures he had taken, plucked apart, burned down to nothing but smouldering dust, they rose like a phoenix from its ashes. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
The guards are no more than a step behind him, their hands on his shoulders. He is trembling with rage, his eyes focused on nobody but her. "Last chance", she says and the words are ice. "Stand down and fall in line."
There is no need to look around, he knows. Anora is smiling and the world is watching. It is not like he doesn't know. He just doesn't care. "We don't need him, Lyna", he says and his voice is shaking. "He deserves to die after all he did. We don't need him."
Somehow, he knows it is those words that end it all. There is no we. Perhaps there never was. She steps closer, her voice dangerously low. "What I don't need is you defying me now." He does not stand down, truly could not even if he wanted to. He has so often, but not now.
"We don't need him", he repeats without looking away.
He can see the moment she wavers, can tell the very second she decides. She had always known how to hit the weak spot. "I don't need you", she said and the arrow went deep.
Spinning. Everything was spinning. Alistair pressed his eyes closed again in a vain attempt to shut out the pictures, but everything he had so carefully locked away returned at once. His mouth was dry and his mind bleary. Voices from the other room floated to his ears, words incomprehensible. Thu-thump.
Drown the memories, burn them down, shut them out. A glass of whiskey. A bottle of beer. Just a few shots of rum. That would help, would give him the chance to return to blissful ignorance and that state just before unconsciousness. Thu-thump.
Eynla was speaking to him, but he could not hear her over the droning in his head and the hammering of his heart. Her hands on his chest were holding him down and his strength bled away, her magic pulsing along his skin. Control was seeping from him and he gasped. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
His eyes flew open and he fought for air. "Stop it", he uttered choked and blindly reached for the mage's hand.
Instead, his fingers hit something solid and when he turned his head to look, he could make out Aífe standing right next to him. She had forced the mage to take a step further away from his head and now stood bent forward, blocking his view of Eynla. Aífe put a hand on his brow, her piercing grey eyes searching his. Her fingers felt cold against his skin and he took a deep breath. Thu-thump.
"Alistair", she said and sounded calm and relaxed. "I can get the antidote, I know the poison. It will be fine, I promise." She stood bent over him, expression stern and serene.
"I'm.. I don't-", he started to speak, but stopped, unsure what he actually wanted to say. He lifted his arm again and then suddenly her hand was in his, squeezing his fingers tightly.
"Listen to me. Breathe", she said and lifted her hand from his brow. The sudden lack of contact left him strangely forlorn, but within a moment he could feel her touch at his temple. "All will be well. The poison will make you disoriented and delirious. I know you want to get away, I know it is scary, but it will be better soon. Keep your eyes on me. It will be fine."
In the midst of all the chaos, she was a source of serenity. As long as he focused on her, the droning in his ears lessened and the song in his blood quieted. The shadows receded to the edges of his vision, driven back but not yet completely gone - but it was good enough. She was a barrier between him and them and that alone gave him enough room to manoeuvre, to steel himself and quiet down. He forced himself to breathe and keep his eyes on her, ignoring everything else for the moment. Thu-thump.
"You okay?", Aífe asked after a while and he nodded. His mouth felt dry and he swallowed hard, his heart was still hammering away. He was fine. He was okay.
"Yes", he replied hoarsely and she squeezed his hand again, finally daring to avert her eyes and look at Eynla, who had been working in silence. The mage seemed displeased if the small frown and the stiff shoulders were any indication. The magic flowed from her fingers, cool and glowing, but somehow Alistair managed to concentrate on his breathing and not the low hum in their blood. Breathe in, breathe out. Thu-thump.
"You need the antidote", Aífe said and it did not sound like a question. Eynla nodded curtly, opening her eyes to look at the woman standing next to her. There were droplets of sweat forming on the mage's brow, but she simply wiped them off quickly.
"It would help. I could concentrate on the damage done by the blade rather than the poison and help Anders with your other friend in a while", Eynla replied and suddenly she narrowed her eyes. She seemed suspicious and made no attempt to hide it. "So you will leave now."
"I have to", Aífe answered pressed. "The woman outside has but one vial - enough for one person, no more. To make the antidote takes too long and I would need ingredients - but the other assassins used the same poison. They will have the same antidote. I just need to get to their bodies and get the flasks, it will not take longer than a few minutes."
"It would also take only a few minutes to get the Templars here to let your trap snap shut", Eynla said and slightly turned to face Aífe, lifting one hand from Alistair's chest. The tension in the air was palpable and Alistair struggled to move his arm to push himself up.
"I know you do not trust me. I know Anders does not trust me, he just voiced the same doubt. In fact, he told me that the moment he stops treating Nelaros is the moment that he might die", Aífe replied and stood very still. He could feel her fingers twitch in his hand as if she struggled to control herself. "I understand your concern. I would have the same one. I do not want to leave myself, I am afraid that more assassins will come. I am afraid that you will decide this is too much trouble and leave instead. I am afraid that I have to trust two people I do not know."
Eynla's magic ceased as she crossed her arms in front of her chest, now fully concentrating on Aífe. She was about to say something, when the rogue lifted her hand to indicate that she was not done talking yet.
"However, I am scared shitless that I will lose my friend. I will not let that happen. So I will tell you what I told Anders but a moment ago: This house has but one exit and entrance - the door through which we came. Whoever enters can be taken care of one by one. The oiled skins on that table contain a collection of the finest blades you have ever seen. The bag below it contains bombs of different variety. They are at your disposal. I will even let you stab me with that poisoned dagger before I leave, if that will assure you. But I need to get that antidote", Aífe spoke and squeezed his hand tightly.
He felt his chest tighten and lifted himself up to his elbow, trying to get up, but the pain that lanced through his chest let him sink back onto the bed. The movement, however, seemed to rip the women from their discussion.
Eynla immediately placed her hands back on his chest and sent a new wave of healing magic into his body, her eyes on his wound. She was quiet for a moment and then, without turning to look at Aífe, said: "Anders is under my protection. The protection of the Grey Wardens. If you move against him, you move against me."
Aífe did not reply and instead turned to Alistair again, her expression carefully blank. "I am sorry, Alistair. I will need to leave quickly. Will you be alright?", she asked.
No, he thought.
"Yes", he said. She let go of his hand with some hesitation and offered him a weak smile. "Just try to be quick", he added and his own voice sounded weird to him.
She nodded and remained for another heartbeat, as if she was about to say something - but then she was gone, uttering some murmured words he could not understand. The very next moment he could feel fur under his fingers and saw Grimm's head bobbing up where Aífe had stood. The hound rested his chin on the edge of the bed and pushed against his hand. He curled his fingers into the thick fur reflexively. Thu-thump.
Eynla was silent as she worked, her eyes closed and her fingers on his skin. They felt hot - or perhaps it was the magic or the taint. Alistair closed his eyes as well, focusing on the feel of the smooth fur beneath his hand, on his own heart-beat, slowly growing steadier. Thu-thump.
"You are a Grey Warden of Ferelden", he said finally, when he felt in control. The shadows were closing in again, tearing at him, and he opened his eyes, jaw squared as he looked at her. She was pretty with her white-silver hair and full lips and he wondered how long she had been in the order. His eyes were focusing on the chain of a necklace he could see. He knew the material and the form and with absolute certainty he knew that it held a little flask with blood from her Joining.
She took her time to reply, but when she did, she did not even open her eyes. "Of course", she quietly replied and he gritted his teeth. She remained so calm when he had barely been able to fight the urge to flee. Thu-thump.
The throbbing in his chest grew worse and he suppressed a pained groan. Grimm shifted under his hand, moving closer and nudging him in the side. It pulled his attention from the pain and he was thankful, but his mind still only held one single thought.
"She sent you", Alistair said and it was no question. He had no doubt. The way they had parted... her word had kept him alive, but he had guessed it was a matter of time. Stand down, she had said, and it had been a command, fall in line. The look in her eyes... She would never forgive him. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
"Who?", Eynla asked and seemed distracted. She cracked one eye open to look at him briefly, but otherwise did not react. "The Warden-Commander? Yes." She clicked her tongue at his reaction, annoyance clear in her voice - she pressed down on his chest as he tried to rise and he gritted his teeth to keep the pain at bay. "Would you stop that? I know it stings, but the poison has already affected your blood. Were you not a Warden, you would be a mess. The only thing keeping the poison at bay is the taint." He moved just a fraction, rolled his shoulder back to escape the awkward sensation and she cursed. "I will paralyse you if you keep doing this, I swear!", she snapped. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Before he could react, there was a quiet growl from Grimm, who took a step forward and thereby effectively forced Eynla to move a step away. The protective gesture loosened a quiet, disbelieving chuckle from Alistair's chest. Both mage and Mabari turned to look at him quizzically and he found it hard to not let a second one follow.
"Great, now the dog too...", Eynla mumbled and lifted her hands off her patient. She was not exactly angry, but clearly exasperated. To Alistair it looked like she considered switching for the easier patient in the other room, who would not talk quite as much and also had one protector less.
"I'm no longer a Grey Warden", he managed to say, fighting back the madness step by step. It was probably immaterial, but he wanted to say it, had to say it. He needed to hear it himself.
The look she gave him was odd. "What, you too? And here I had been told there was no quitting - at least not alive. And yet Anders gets to go... you get to go. Seems somewhat unfair", she said dryly. Alistair's brows knitted together in confusion - she had said it like she had really been surprised. As he was watching her, he saw understanding dawn on her, her lips forming a perfect little o as she looked him over again.
"Don't tell me you are the Alistair?", she asked and leaned closer, careful to still keep enough distance to not alarm Grimm, who held his position as ever-watchful guardian. By now Alistair had little doubt Aífe's parting words had been addressed to the Mabari. "I'd imagined you... different", she said and cocked her head to the side as she studied him like an interesting new spell. He resisted the urge to scoot a bit further away from her.
"You didn't know?", he asked dubiously and felt somewhat stupid. Perhaps she really had not known who he was. Perhaps it was a coincident and his paranoia had played it up. He had already thought Aífe had been sent after him - and whatever that woman was, she surely was not out to get him. At least not on purpose. He looked over his shoulder towards the other room, where he could clearly feel Anders's presence. Anders had not moved in the last minutes, still concentrated on his task. He had also left the Grey Wardens? Alistair had not known until now. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the oddly drowsy state he started to slip into. His vision blurred in front of his eyes.
"Let me get this straight", Eynla said and ripped him from his thoughts. "You are the infamous companion of Warden-Commander Mahariel, the bastard prince Alistair?"
He winced at her words and averted his eyes, instead looking at the flickering candle on the far table. Nausea rose in him and he fought it back down, focusing on his heart-beat. Thu-thump. Slow and steady.
No song in his blood. No hum in his ears. No memories in his mind.
"I'm just Alistair", he said finally and closed his eyes.
"The Warden-Commander did not send me after you", Eynla said after a while. "She never speaks of you. If it is any help, I don't think she knows you are in Kirkwall and if she did, she never mentioned it. I am just here to get information about a Deep Roads expedition from Anders, nothing more."
He could hear her move around Grimm, who shifted his weight and let her come close again, but kept his position between them. Then and again the Mabari would turn his head and listen as if to make sure that Nelaros was fine or perhaps to hear whether his mistress was returning. Alistair felt the subtle movements under his fingers and let his hand rest on the hound's shoulders.
His wound stung when Eynla finally put her hands on his chest again and summoned her healing magic again, working quietly. He could feel her gaze on him and kept his eyes shut and his lips pressed together. Slow and steady. Thu-thump.
"I will not mention meeting you here, if you prefer that", she said after a long pause and he nodded quietly.
The shadows were closing in and he could feel his hand shaking. A drop of wine. A glass of whiskey. A bottle of beer. He felt thirsty. Grimm whined and nudged him and Alistair opened his eyes, looking at the hound. For all appearances the dog was offering him the best version of a doggy grin and Alistair managed a shaky smile. "That would be kind", he murmured. "How do you know about me?"
Eynla laughed and he could see her move her hands out of the corners of his eyes, but he did not turn his head. "Are you kidding me? Who doesn't know you? The fabled bastard prince, exiled from his lost kingdom – in the nicest version of the tales. In others you are the evil traitor that left at the dawn of battle, never to be seen again. It fully depends who you are listening to."
He should have been prepared for it, but it still hit him hard. Evil traitor, they called him, or bastard prince. Again with the fancy titles. It felt like the chains clicked closed around his wrists, a weight added that would pull him down the moment he tried to take a step. He licked his dry lips and took another deep breath. Thu-thump.
"Sorry", she murmured and tried to smile, "It's just stories."
"I am not one", he finally managed to say. The sounds grew fainter and he was thankful. The droning in his ears lessened and the hum of his blood had quieted. He lifted his eyes to look at the ceiling and found that he could barely fight the drowsiness anymore.
"'m just me", he said and his eyes fell shut, his heart-beat a quiet lullaby. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
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Author's Comment:
*sits in her corner and looks out from under her blanket* So, the thing is... I had several aims with this. First, it was supposed to be different from Aífe's memories and flashbacks. Secondly, I wanted to show a bit more of why he is where he is and clear some questions. Thirdly, I wanted to do that and maintain logic and without boring you. So, all in all... I am not sure how well I succeeded with those goals. However, since the chapter is about as good as I'll manage to get it.. I decided to upload it. X'D Here goes a huge thanks to Emma aka Eynla, who let me play with Eynla and who beta-ed this and discussed it with me. Thanks. :)
A big thanks also to those that reviewed my story, EkoCentric, alyssacousland, BlondMoments, Graymalkyn, Darkly Tranquil, KatDancer2 and Merilsell. :) Thank you very, very much! Also all those who favoured this or put me on alert, it is very much appreciated!
(And as a sidenote: The first chapters will be overworked, just to catch some mistakes I didn't see at first, and also to put it into a nicer and more easily-readable form. I hope I'll get it done this week. =) )
Next, I hope the subtle hints I dropped here and there were nicely flowing and left the right impression (... okay. Maybe they were NOT all that subtle. *coughs*)
I will leave this here now and hope that you like it and that it turned out alright. :D Aaaaand I will drop the promise of half-nekkid Alistair and some honey on his skin for the next chapter. Literally.