The crowd is holding their breath as I stare down the red winking eye on the center camera, the one wielded by Pollux. Once again, all of Panem is counting on me to lead them. They still haven't learned after all this time.
"My name is Katniss Everdeen," I say, "And I really didn't want to be here." I'm silent for a moment, gathering my thoughts before I continue.
"Like all of you, the place I want to be most is home. For me, home is District 12, where Peeta and I and our cat, Buttercup, live in one comfortable house together. Each day, we get up and join the people of our district in helping to rebuild all that was lost. Each day is a little easier than the day before...but we never expect it to be easy. We have hope, watching the members of our community continue to come together to support each other. We have hope, now that the children around us can live with full bellies and warm beds. We have hope because we are no longer living in constant terror and exhaustion." I take a breath and then exhale slowly. I can see that the crowd, too, has started breathing again. Apparently, I am not such a lost cause. But I have to search for the words, and they come to me slowly.
"I have hope that I will not have to be mentor to more children sent by a cruel government into the Hunger Games," I say, my first allusion to our decision in the War Room. "I have hope because the people I love are free to travel and spend time with Peeta and I as we break bread together." I find Johanna's eyes in the crowd and despite herself, I see her tighten her lips as her eyes shine with tears. I find Haymitch next. "I have hope because we all keep fighting through the ache of losing others we love to the Games and the war, through the nightmares produced by both, through the effort of getting up each day and continuing on, because we know that all this fight cannot have been for nothing. I believe in my heart…I have to believe…that we have not come all this way in vain." Haymitch looks away, as though it's too painful to meet my eyes.
I look down at my feet and swallow hard, with some effort. When I look up again, it's Rue's mother's eyes I find.
"I miss my sister, Prim," I say. "I miss my friend, Finnick,"—I glance Annie's way and she wraps her arms around herself in a tight hug—"and the many other friends and allies that were lost to me. With effort, I will the tears that come at these words to recede. "I know that you, too, must have people you miss, homes you want to return to, as I do. Yet we are lucky, because we did survive." I feel my voice getting stronger. "Against all the odds, we did survive, and we did rise up together to create a country that is more just, with more opportunities for the ones we love to grow and succeed." This time, it's the kids—Rory, Vic and Posy, Nayari and her siblings—that earn my gaze. I see different cameras panning around to catch the objects of my words, as I speak them. "Some of the people we love fought with us and did survive, although the odds were not in their favor." Gale. He's smiling right into my eyes. When I shift my gaze, finally, to Peeta, he's openly weeping. I know they will have caught this on camera, too. Nor is he the only one I see in the crowd who is doing so.
"Our road is far from traveled," I continue. "We have no way to know where this new path will lead. Perhaps, like me, many of you are afraid to trust this new government…to trust any government…after all the cruelty and neglect you have suffered in the past. I am here to reassure you that this is okay. We will need our new government to earn its worth." I spare a glance at Paylor and her eyes, far from teary, are locked on me without a blink, waiting to see what will happen next.
"When you and I show this wariness, we are like a dog that has been kicked too many times and shies away from human touch," I say. "We have no reason to believe. But we had no reason to believe the revolution would succeed—it was faith that carried us. It was faith that carried me, even when I didn't see it. Faith that the children that will be born into this new world will not grow up afraid, but will be citizens that are able to speak their minds, cry their voices out loud without worrying about being stifled. Faith that the accused will face a fair trial and be punished in a reasonable way if they commit a crime. Faith that we will have the resources that my mother did not, to cure the ill, feed the hungry, and earn enough money to build good lives for ourselves and our families."
My voice is growing stronger every minute, now. "We should never forget those who fought and died in the name of earning our freedom, but we will be equally unlikely to forget our own scars. A tree with a nail in it will learn to grow around the nail if it is not removed. We will learn to grow around the injuries that we've sustained, and be the stronger for it. The tally of what I have lost rings in my head each day. But it is equally true that, were it not for all that has happened I, like you, would not know how capable I really am. I would not have met some of the people who have meant the most to me. I would not have fallen in love with a man who is so kind, generous and brave." I'm smiling now, because Peeta's eyebrows have risen up so high they've disappeared into his hair, and the others around him have turned to him with smiles. I'm sure no one expected me to speak those words to all of Panem.
"Because I have seen what we have accomplished together, I have to ask you to rise up one more time," I say. "Not to fight an enemy that attacks from without, but to battle the sorrow that might eat you from within. I must ask you not to give up in the face of your loss, not to turn away from others who still need help, not to surrender after we've all come so far. I am there with you. We are there with you. I am no longer the Mockingjay"—I find myself touching my pin without thinking—"because now I get to be something better. I get to be Katniss, who hunts freely in the woods by my home and can say aloud to you that I do it. I get to be who I truly am. I didn't want to be here not because I don't think it's important to encourage you all to begin again as newer, stronger versions of yourselves, but because I have a responsibility to my home and the family who lives there with me." I hold the gazes of the three who mean the most to me now—Haymitch, Johanna and Peeta. Unexpectedly, like those long-ago Victors at the Quell, they have joined hands, and I know the camera has cut away to them. "I believe that all of us together will rebuild District 12, and even if it's not the same, it will still be my home, and every minute I am away is a minute that I miss it." I know I must look wistful, because I feel the knot in my belly just thinking about our quilt, which is the item I most easily associate with home.
"I mourn your losses with you, and celebrate your gains. I share your uncertainty for the future and your conflicted feelings over the past. I get up every day, like you, and begin again. We are beginning again. We breathe as one."
I take one last breath and blow it out, slowly. I brush a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "I wish you all the luck and strength you need to create a new life together as a part of a family, a district, and a country. I thank you for your sacrifices and encourage you to work together and to love one another. I am only here today because of those who helped sustain me when all was dark." Peeta, I think. I gesture him forward, and though he looks surprised, he mounts the stage and takes his place beside me, for the cameras, and I lean up into his smile. His face shows no signs of tears now. The kiss we share on this stage now, after all this time and after so many kisses produced only for adoring crowds, is unquestionably real.
"Thank you," I whisper into the microphone, and it's so silent you could hear a pin drop. Then it's Imani, jogging up the stairs on her chubby legs before her mother, with a hiss and a grab and a dismayed look on her face, can pull her little daughter back. As I bend down and lift her into my arms, the applause begins again, and the cynical part of me has just enough time to think boy, they'll all love this before I carefully unravel the feathered scarf from my own neck and drape it around the little girl's, to her peals of excited laughter.
Cressida, of all people, is the first one to reach me when I descend the stairs, baby still in arm. "Oh, you did just wonderful!" she exclaims, reaching out to pat my cheek. "What a lovely speech the President helped you write!" Not quite knowing whether I should give myself away on this point, I just smile and thank her. As I make my way through the crowd to return Rue's sister to her mother, various other people pat my shoulder and congratulate me. I try to be gracious, but I can't wait until the people I care about most get to climb into cars and head off with me to the finale of our day. Rue's family hugs me again, her mother whispering, "You sounded perfect," in my ear. I thank them and return the little girl, draped comically in yards of black velvet scarf, to her arms. Nayari is tugging on my pants excitedly, jabbering away about the speech and the dinner and the scarf and Peeta, and I'm only catching about one in every three words. I'm getting a little overwhelmed by the time Haymitch and Johanna reach me, Peeta in tow.
"Nice job, sweetheart," Haymitch says. "I take it from the look on the President's face that that wasn't exactly the speech they'd expected."
"Not exactly," I tell him. He guffaws.
"Well, that's a big surprise," he says. Johanna punches my shoulder lightly. "You did alright, girl on fire," she says. Peeta takes me into his arms and that's what I really wanted all along. All the commotion fades out as I listen to his heartbeat. In the hug he says everything he can't say in the chaos. "How do you feel?" he whispers into my ear.
"Spent," I murmur back. This is true. I've given every ounce of emotional energy that I have to these people, on this day. I want to burrow into the darkness in this space in his arms by his chest and curl up into a ball, blocking it all out for awhile. But I know we're not yet finished. I have one more act. So I pull away, despite myself, and turn to face the President, who's finally reached me.
"That wasn't the speech we'd planned on you giving," she says, her face unreadable.
"I know," I say, staring directly into her eyes.
"You did excellently," she tells me. And then she smiles. And I smile. "Haymitch could have told you I do better on my own…if he hadn't been so sauced."
"Well, now it's time to layer some food on top, Haymitch," she tells him, still with a half-smile on her face. "There's a banquet hall attached to the Capitol building, and we'll be heading over there now to celebrate the end of your trip here. Tomorrow morning we'll have a train ready to bring you home."
Home. The word resonates all the way down to my toes and in my bones.
A fleet of cars is lined up as the tech crew begins to dissemble the stage, those who were there only to watch slowly file past me, wish me congratulations, wring my hands until they hurt, and then move on. The rest of us gather together and move slowly towards the cars, chatting amongst ourselves. There aren't too many of us—maybe thirty in all, counting our families and the main government officials who will be attending, plus stylists, my prep team, Cressida and Pollux, the Victors…Gale. I notice him watching me as I chat with the little kids, cling to Peeta's arm, tease Johanna about the tears I saw welling up in her eyes as I spoke. I feel a pang of guilt at recognizing the others as my family but not him. He was, once. But now we see each and speak together so infrequently, I can't really count him in that way anymore. I should speak to him at some point. I try to push it away from my mind for now. One thing at a time. Our little squad that's been together throughout the day gets a car to ourselves again. Annie is humming quietly to herself, but she looks pleased. Gale won't make eye contact with me. I'm snuggled up with Peeta and Johanna's watching the streets flash by, her eyelids looking heavy, finally. Haymitch has checked the sideboard for more alcohol, but perhaps they've been warned in advanced, because none is forthcoming. I'm assuming Beetee will join us there. The government officials travel behind us in a second limo, with the families following, then our stylists and my prep team. As we pull away, I lose sight of the enormous stage and the dissipating crowds. I think about food—lamb stew, soft rolls, that pumpkin soup with the seeds on top, pots of chocolate—and my stomach rumbles. Finally, I'm at a place where I can eat something. I guess we'll be going in the clothes we're already wearing, which is another thing I'm glad for—I've had enough costume changes today to last the rest of the year. I spare an amused glance at Johanna, who is more rumpled than ever, and Haymitch, who didn't bother to spend time straightening up, either. I shiver a little with the warm velvet scarf gone, so Peeta keeps his arms securely around me.
We're ushered back into the Capitol building, the whole long line of us, but this time we're turned towards a hallway that curves to the right past the rooms we occupied yesterday. The hallway is lined with enormous windows that let all the new starlight pour in. I keep finding myself back amongst the kids, listening to stories and taking up the littlest ones in my arms, answering Nayari's endless questions. Gale, too, seems to take to them particularly, and I remember that he did spend his life being an older brother, after all. Posy plays a hand-clapping game with Nayari and coos over the baby. Rue's parents are smiling, talking to Peeta about their new life. I catch tidbits now and then. I'll never stop wishing Rue was here with all of us, but I'm grateful for this opportunity after so long.
The dining hall is filled to all four corners with food, an enormous table and chairs stretching down the middle. Everything we can imagine is spread out before us—haunches of beef swimming in its own juices, huge tureens of my lamb stew, trays of those little birds with orange sauce, bowls of greens mixed with olives and nuts and beans, pyramids of fruit, thick chunks of vanilla cake with vivid pink frosting. Peeta and I take seats at one end of the table with Johanna, but quickly find ourselves in motion, moving around the room as we chat with all those who know us and who we so rarely see. Annie shows us photos of Nerites that she's drawn out from a small bag she carries around. The baby is already gorgeous, with his parents' sea-green eyes and Annie's flowing waves of dark hair. In almost every photo, he smiles. I wonder if he'll have Finnick's charm and humor and bravery. Annie's face lights up every time she says his name. I introduce Peeta to Brandi, and they hit it off immediately, making jokes about clumsiness as I tell the story of how I met my new stylist. Peeta shows off his artificial leg to her. "See, even you have a leg up on me," he deadpans. I find myself caught up in Hazelle's arms at one point in a long hug, as she tugs me into a quiet corner to check in on my mental state after these long few days. She's one of the few in the room aside from those that have accompanied me with whom I can truly be myself. She can read the tiredness in my eyes. She smoothes my hair back from my face, kisses my cheek.
"How's Gale?" I finally allow myself to ask her this question after our moment on the stairs, which already seems so long ago. I see her eyes shifting back and forth over my face, as though searching for signs of what I can and can't bear to hear. I wonder what she sees reflected there.
She sighs. "He misses you, of course. We miss home. It's better for the kids here, of course. He has such a good job; they value his skills and treat us well. But it's so different from life before. We wanted a new life but I don't think this was the life he saw. And he misses his hunting, and the woods." I can't imagine a life without the woods. I can't imagine having come to live in this city of stone and steel and glass. I still recoil at the sight of it. Sometimes I'm contemptuous of Gale in my head for assimilating so easily, even if this Capitol is not the Capitol he once railed against in the forest when he thought no one could listen. I'm more inclined to take Haymitch's view that all Capitols are one and the same, when it comes down to it.
"He said he's happy, some of the time," I say.
She nods. "I think he is. I think he could be happy here in time. But you were his one true love, Katniss." She lays a hand on my cheek and I press into that gentle touch, close my eyes. The words sting in a way that's at odds with that touch, but of course, this is something I knew, even if I didn't ever want to hear it.
"Come visit some time," I implore her. She smiles. "Maybe once things are running a little more smoothly. The kids are still adjusting. I want to give them time before we go back, when there's so many…memories." She's not wrong about that.
I circle for awhile, my energy buoyed a little by the cheer in the room, which is filled with a lot of people I have some sort of affection for. My prep team burbles all over my new stylist, over the kids, over the Capitol government officials, who look annoyed. I stuff myself with food and then continue to eat until my stomach is distended and I can barely move. Everything is delicious. But despite the pleasure I get in my stolen moments with Hazelle, who I love dearly, talking to Rue's family, playing with the little ones, catching up with Cressida and Pollux about their adventures filming around the districts, conversing with Brandi about her clothes and dreams as a stylist, and just sitting companionably with my friends and family, the room begins to get stifling. I find myself looking at the minutes of the clock as they tick by slowly. There are still too many of them between now and home. I begin to fidget in my seat, struggling to hold my attention to anything that's happening at the moment. Peeta notices.
"Hey, want to take a walk?" he asks. I'm grateful for the suggestion.
"Yes, let's," I tell him, and we rise slowly, seeking an open moment where everyone else seems to be engaged—Johanna notices our sidling towards the door and makes sure she has Haymitch's attention after shooting us a wink—and then slipping silently into the hall. The steps up to the higher floors loom before us, carpeted in a fine, plush material. The floors above are dark. We tiptoe up these stairs, unsure of what we'll find at the top but welcoming the silence, the space. The hallway stretches in both directions, punctuated by doors. We try a few, but they're locked. Finally, I just sink to the floor on the plush carpet, thinking I could sleep here anyways if I spent even a moment with my eyes closed. Peeta sits facing me, blue eyes shining forth from shadows.
"Hey," he says quietly, "So I had this thought that when we get home, we should get some chickens. Maybe a couple of goats. Or a dog." This is so unexpected a thing to say in this context that I almost laugh.
"Okay," I say agreeably. I have no problem with that, and I like dogs.
"I'll find us some, somewhere," he says. "After all, I am…what was it? Generous and kind?" I hear the teasing note in his voice.
"Brave, too," I agree. "Speaking of that, how are you holding up?"
He nods. "We're almost done now. I can keep it together until tomorrow. I think I just need one thing."
"What's that?" I ask, and then he's leaned forward, and he's kissing me, kissing me like he did on that long-ago night on the beach in the arena, plying my lips with his tongue, burying his hands in my hair, crushing my body against his. I sigh softly into his open mouth because it's so satisfying. He kisses me hungrily, kisses that have been stored up throughout the day, freeing kisses out of the sight of anyone who will question us, cheer for us, order us around. All I hear in the silence of the hall are the tiny sounds Peeta and I make as we breathe into one another's mouths. I hold him closer, until his heartbeat lines up with my own, drumming in my chest. Of course, the result of all this is that I can actually feel my knees get weak, the gush that makes me squirm, as my underwear are now distinctly uncomfortable. I can feel Peeta get aroused almost immediately. Part of me wants to beg him to pick me up, put my back against the wall, take me here and now. But it will be better to wait until we don't have to worry about some disembodied voice echoing around the place as they call us back to dinner. I haven't wanted sex today, have had too much else on my mind, but it's impossible not to want it, when he kisses me like this.
When he finally withdraws, I'm flushed and hot and my lips are full and throbbing, like the place between my thighs. Peeta groans comically. "Now, that just made me want the rest of you," he says.
"Why did you do it then?" I try to straighten my top.
"Because I had to," he whispers, and then I'm drawn back in, trailing hot little kisses up his neck to his ear, nibbling at it gently as his breath pants in the quiet, his head thrown back as he melts at my touch.
I could stay this way with him forever, but I have no concept of how much time we're taking, and surely we'll be missed before too long, being the guests of honor and all. When I pull back, he groans for real.
"Really?" he asks me, and I laugh. "Come on, now, let's just wrap this up so we can take it to a better place afterwards." This must be motivating, because he takes my hand when I stand and I pull him up with me.
"Katniss…" he pauses. "Did you really mean all those things you said back there? In the speech?" I can tell he's been wanting to ask me this.
"About you being brave?" I ask.
"No," he says. "About the people and the government and all that." I nod in the dark, because I did mean it. It poured out of my mouth like water, not so much certainty, but hope and even a little bit of faith. Hurt, too. I could not speak clinically, in the end. I could only speak of what I knew, and hope that my words would translate to others who may have known some of the same fears and pains as us, as Johanna, as Haymitch, as Rue's family. "Yes," I say. "I meant every word."
He squeezes my hand in the dark as we begin to walk back. "I'm proud of you," he says. I swallow hard. "I'm proud of you, too," I tell him.
I hear the smile in his voice. "Real or not real?"
I laugh in response. "Real."
When we re-enter the dining room, the Capitol attendants have cleared away many of the plates. The mood in the room is warm, relaxed and full. Johanna is stowed away in a dim corner, sharing a couch with a Capitol attendant—she's the one I recognize from earlier in our trip, the one with the curtain of golden hair who blessedly interrupted our long day in the War Room with a message for the President. Her head is bent low, that gorgeous hair falling over her cheek, and she's laughing at something Johanna is whispering to her. Johanna's fingers rest lightly on the soft inside of her arm. I wonder what magic words Johanna, like Finnick, knows how to whisper. I'm grinning, watching them. Peeta stops when he sees me stop, and when I feel the rumble of a laugh that moves up from his belly I know he's seen her, too. As we watch, she takes the girl by the wrist and surreptitiously tugs her out the door we just came in. They disappear into the shadows. Somehow I doubt Johanna will care as much as we have about discretion.
Ironically, this is when the ring of silverware on crystal rises in the room, chasing the chatter into silence. Hastily, I try to smooth some of the wrinkles out of my shirt, and Peeta does the same. We try not to look too much like we just came back from being pressed against a wall together. Haymitch is holding a goblet of something to his lips and looking jolly, which means he's drunk, as he talks to Hazelle. Gale is standing with his hands clasped behind his back, stick-straight, waiting. For the first time I notice how handsome he looks tonight, clad in black silk with shiny patent shoes peeking out from beneath his trousers. His hands, once rough from hunting, are smoother now, that subtle glint of silver watch peeking out. All look expectantly to Paylor, standing at the head of the room with her own goblet in hand. I think I inch towards Peeta.
"I wanted to say just a few words of thanks," the President's voice rises above the silence. "To Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark, Haymitch Abernathy, and Johanna Mason for humoring us as our guests over the past few days." Haymitch's proximity to us makes Johanna's absence all the more obvious. Everyone looks around to each of us, and I see the President's eyes skim the crowd for Johanna. Her brow furrows as Johanna is nowhere in sight, and I find myself fighting a laugh. Typical. Has to go out with a bang.
"We know it cannot have come easily to them," Paylor continues. "We did not want to be the ones to disrupt their hard-fought peace and quiet in the rebuilding of their homes and lives back in District 12. It was with much discussion and consideration that we reached out to them in need, as ambassadors of a country that has come to see them as so crucial to our success, recovery, and sense of self. Only because of the peoples' crying out for them were they requested. And, though they owed us nothing, they rose to the occasion once again. We apologize for the troubles we have caused you and the interruptions to your lives. We say thanks for the aid you have given us this week in rebuilding our government, making it better and stronger and giving the people hope and faith in their own future. These tasks are essential, and indeed, they can be performed by no one in whom we have more confidence."
I think she's probably stretching it a bit now, especially when it comes to Johanna, although maybe it's just my speech that's foremost in her mind at the moment. Or maybe she's just putting a great gloss on it for the next time they need us here. That's a distinct possibility, but as we're not even out of the Capitol yet, I think I'll save that possibility for another time.
"I'd like to propose a toast," says the President. "To happiness, health, freedom, justice, and a new life for all who fought so hard to get us here." She raises her glass as a different attendant hands Peeta and I goblets of wine. We raise them together, and they clink.
For me, that's where the night begins to end. The President finds me to thank me once more, as does Commander Lyme, more warmly. I thank her for her kindness, as well. Plutarch and Fulvia find me to gush over my unanticipated speech. Luckily Peeta rescues me pretty quickly. When it begins to get late and her little ones are yawning, nodding off in the corner with Posy, who's procured a yo-yo from Rory and has been teaching them tricks, Rue's mother gives me a last tight hug, and hands me a slip of paper with the family's address in District 11. She assures me that they've been receiving excellent care, plenty of food for the children, and that working hours have been drastically decreased as workers from other districts are brought in to help with spring planting. "It's all because of you," she tells me, but I can't hear this, and I shake my head and look away. She seems to expect this, because she doesn't push it. She kisses my forehead.
"Do write to us, and maybe come see us one day," says her father. I nod. "I'd like that," I say. Nayari cries again when I hug her goodbye, but I show her the slip of paper and promise that I will write to her personally, which excites her, since she's never gotten a letter. I hug a sleepy Ayden and Imani, who thanks me profusely for the velvet scarf that is long enough to wrap around her entire body like a shawl. Nnenna and Zuri are already asleep, so I kiss their cheeks gently as their parents lift them to carry them to the car that awaits. Nayari throws one last kiss over her departing shoulder. I stand and watch after them even once I've heard the car pull away. It's hard for me to breathe. My shoulders sag. Peeta comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me.
"Don't worry, you'll see them again," he says softly in my ear. I nod. I know this is true, but I'm choking back tears again. I know they're partly exhaustion, at this point, but I miss the children already. I miss all children. Deep underneath this absence, of course, lies my little sister, who departed me all too soon. I know Peeta knows this. My fingers stray to my pin. When I turn back to the room, it seems much smaller.
Hazelle and her kids leave soon after, and this is hard too. She rocks me in her arms for a long while before letting me go, and then takes Peeta too. Rory and Vic jump in, and Posy last, and then we're laughing as one big group huddle. Gale stands back, a half-smile on his face, but unsure. When I catch his face in the crowd, I extract one hand and wave him over.
"Come on, Gale!" says Posy, and then, smiling, he wraps his arms around his mother, his siblings, Peeta, and me.
I share farewell hugs with Cressida, Pollux, Brandi, Beetee, Annie and my prep team—who are sobbing once more at the prospect of going without me. By the last handshakes with the Capitol government officials as we all begin to head home for the night, it's past 11 and I feel as dry as sand inside, numb with the introductions and the reunions and the tearful farewells. I know I will likely see everyone again, but I don't know when, where, or how. I hold tightly to Peeta's hand as we walk out onto the cobblestones under a waning moon. Johanna has rejoined us smoothly at some point, looking smug. I raise an eyebrow at her and she wiggles hers up and down. I want to ask her all about it, but it's not the time. "Tomorrow!" she mouths to me, looking relaxed for the first time all weekend. I bet that's some story, I think. I owe her one. She's been listening to me talk about Peeta for ages now. Haymitch is just drunk enough to have escaped from himself, but gladly not so drunk that he can't walk back with us, although he's a bit unsteady. He seems to have recovered from his rough morning. Gale inexplicably comes with the four of us, too. I'm nibbling on a brownie I stowed in my coat pocket. Peeta's quietly ribbing Johanna about missing the toast as the others gradually begin to turn off our path, until only the five of us remain. From her rejoinders, I can tell Johanna's had a bit to drink, too. Gale is quiet walking beside me, his dinner jacket unbuttoned, just a hint of beard shadow along his jaw. I watch him out of the side of my eye for a few minutes and when he remains silent, I speak.
"Aren't you tired?" I ask. "You don't have to walk us back, we know our way by now."
"I was thinking about maybe crashing at the boardinghouse again," he says, looking down to me. "I mean, if you don't mind. My apartment is a little bit of a walk from here and it's been a really long day." He looks down to our feet again as though he's considering whether to say something else and then adds, "Plus, it's going to seem weirdly quiet after all that." I sense unspoken things underneath this statement but I don't push. After our escape upstairs, I am dying to consummate my unfinished business with Peeta, but we're going to be getting up early to catch a train, and my eyelids have already begun to droop. Truthfully, it's probably best we wait until we get home. It will be sweeter that way, too. I know that Peeta and I will have no shortage of opportunities in the future to practice our new skills. It's true that regardless of where Gale sleeps, I'm free to act as I want, and I'm certain Peeta wouldn't turn down an offer, but I can't bring myself to subject Gale to the sounds of our lovemaking again. It seems cruel. I can't believe that only a few days ago I was still regarding him as the enemy. It doesn't seem that simple anymore, after interacting with him and his family again these past few days. He's humanized to me in a way he hasn't been in a long time, especially after he pulled hard to get Rue's family out to support me through this long day. I've softened to the possibility that maybe, one day, we could mean something to one another again, even if it's never in the same way. I know this is something he wants. I think maybe one day I could want it, too. It will take time, like all of the rest, but I'm not so opposed, so afraid, anymore. At least some good things came out of all this mess.
"I don't mind at all," I tell him. I glance Peeta's way and he pauses his torment of Johanna to give me a questioning look.
"Do you mind if Gale spends the night over?" I ask. I see that flicker of lust behind his eyes that probably no one but me would catch, but I know before I ask that Peeta's far too polite to object, and whatever enmity and tension had been present between he and Gale before this trip began, some combination of events that have happened here has soothed it. Peeta has somehow come to know that Gale represents no threat.
"Of course not," he answers, looking to Gale.
"Thanks," Gale says, and I catch a flicker of what could be gratitude behind his dark eyes, just before it's gone and they're inscrutable again.
The leftovers from the feast have somehow beaten us here; little white cardboard boxes are stacked neatly in the fridge. Good, we won't have to cook for a week, I think. Even though I feel like I could be rolled up the stairs, I slide out a flat box of a peanut butter and chocolate tart and begin to pick pieces off the edge of it. Gale wishes us a good night almost the moment we're in the door, and retires to a bedroom downstairs. Johanna joins me at the table and we pick apart the dessert with our fingers for a few minutes. I hear Peeta checking in with Haymitch. After a minute, Peeta takes him by the arm and tugs him towards the stairs, probably to make sure he gets to bed all right, although once he sobers up he'll probably just spend the night pacing the floor anyways.
"So, how was your night?" I ask Johanna innocently, but the grin I'm suppressing on my face I'm sure is coming out in my eyes. I can feel it.
Johanna stretches luxuriously like a cat, lacing her fingers together over her head. "Oh, delicious," she almost purrs. "Just what my doctor ordered." I laugh.
"What did you do with that girl?" I ask curiously.
"What didn't I do with her," says Johanna.
"Okay, what didn't you do with her?" I play along, trying to imagine exactly what it is two girls do together.
"Want a live demonstration?" teases Johanna.
"Oh, I've had plenty." Saying this out loud makes me feel oddly grown-up, as though Johanna and I are on an even playing field in some new way, now that I've been let in on the secret.
"Well, I didn't discover just how easily those red outfits unzip," says Johanna. "I have no idea just how much fun that long hair is to wrap around my hand and pull. I definitely didn't find an empty armchair and straddle her in it. And there's no way that I would have put my fing…"
"Okay, that's enough," says Peeta, sounding amused, as we see his lower half make its way down the stairs.
"I'm just getting started," protests Johanna. "Besides, look how wide Katniss' eyes are!" I feel myself blush as Peeta aims a side-eye at me and then starts laughing.
"Katniss, do you want me to go upstairs so you can hear the rest of the story?" he asks, his eyes twinkling.
"No. Y…no!" I say, flustered. I kind of do want to hear the rest. The sex with Peeta has only really just put a dent in my naivete. But I don't want Peeta to know I want to hear it. Johanna has her cheek propped on the heel of one hand, waiting idly to see if I'll stick around for all the sordid details.
"We…should go to bed," I say lamely. Looking a little disappointed, Johanna rises and claps me on the shoulder. "There's always the train ride!" she chortles before thumping her way up the stairs. Halfway up she strips off her shirt and drops it on the landing, and I shake my head as I watch her bare back head down the hall. She certainly does know how to pick them. That girl attendant was gorgeous.
Peeta bends down a little awkwardly on his bad leg and scoops me up from the chair. As an afterthought, I snatch the peanut butter dessert from the table and drop it into my lap.
"Ready to join me in bed, dear?" he asks, kissing my earlobe and making me shiver.
"Oh, yeah," I say immediately. "But hey…no funny stuff right now, ok?" I incline my head towards Gale's door. "I just…" But Peeta shakes his head.
"I get it," he says.
"You do?" I say, surprised at his total lack of surprise or deflation at my request.
"Sure," he says. "I can just imagine, if it were me in there." The other half of the statement is implied and I know that I, too, would have a hard time listening to Gale's nighttime play with some other girl, even as in love as I am. Maybe it just works that way no matter who you are.
By the time Peeta deposits me in my bed, my eyes are half-closed, anyways. He gently takes the pie plate and sets it on the nightstand, and tugs at my pants from the bottoms as I lie down until they slide off. He throws them on the floor by the bed as I slip my thin shirt over my head. I can't help but quiver all over when he gently hooks his fingers into the sides of my underwear and draws them down, too. The newly made-up sheets are crisp and cool on my bare skin, and I squirm around in them happily. Peeta undresses, and lies down beside me in the dark. Slowly, he reaches out and undoes my hair, unraveling it with his fingers until it falls in silky, newly-grown waves over my shoulders. We don't speak, and I'm glad. It's been a day full of words, and I have nothing left to say. I don't need to say anything with Peeta anymore, anyways. I tuck one bare leg between his knees and lean my forehead into his. The light drift of his kiss goodnight on my cheek makes me smile in the dark. I barely have the time to wish for good dreams for both of us tonight before I'm sound asleep, one joyful word following me into the dark.
Home. Home. Home.