Chapter 20
Shepard was sitting in his cabin when a knock on his door pulled him out of a light doze. Damn, I can't believe I fell asleep. Who'da thunk that watching other people shoot could be so freaking tiring? Certainly not me. Oh crap, I haven't answered the door yet. "Enter!" He called out.
The door slid open to reveal Ashley. Behind her, Shepard could see the rest of the squad settling into the common area chairs. Ha ha. I bet they're all going to come in and talk to me individually. "Ashley, what can I do for you?" As if I don't already know.
"I wanted to know how I did, Skipper."
"Ok Ash. Which weapons do you want to know about?" Hmm, lemme guess . . .
"All of them, sir."
"Have a seat while I pull up the information on my omni-tool." Surprise, surprise. I win again! Shepard typed in a few commands to his omni-tool, and pulled up the following list:
Pistol: Me, Tali (-.25), Kaidan (-.4), Ashley (-.63), Garrus (-.69), Wrex (-.75), Liara (-.82)
Shotgun: Me, Wrex (-.4), Ashley (-.56), Tali (-.6), Kaidan (-1.4), Garrus (-2.14), Liara (-2.55)
AR: Me, Garrus (-.2), Wrex (-.31), Ashley (-.37), Kaidan (-.63), Tali (-1.48), Liara (-2.25)
Sniper Rifle: Me, Garrus (1200), Ashley (800), Wrex (500), Kaidan (300), Tali (100), Liara (100)
"Ashley, you were third in pistol, second in shotgun, third in AR, and second in snipers."
"Really?" She asked incredulously. "There's somebody better than me with the assault rifle?"
"Actually, two of your teammates are better than you are with the AR."
"Well, I wasn't counting you, Skipper. I figured you were first in everything. Who else?"
"I wasn't counting myself, either, Ash; just the rest of the squad. And I won't give you anyone else's scores or standings." Something tells me you'd be uber-pissed to hear who it was that was ahead of you. Because guess what, the only thing Kaidan beat you in was pistols! Everybody else was, ahem, not of your race.
"What?" Ashley stood up abruptly, her face taking on color. "How could I be worse than two of those aliens out there?!"
Oh look, there's the xenophobic behavior I've come to know and love from you, Ms. Williams. One of these days, you're gonna say something like that to Wrex or Garrus, and they're gonna kick the shit out of you. And if that happens, I won't be happy with you fucking with my team dynamic, so then I'll have to beat the shit outta you. "Those aliens are your teammates and allies, Ash. Try to remember that. And they didn't beat you by much."
"How much is 'not much,' Skipper?" She asked, settling back down into her seat.
"The best recruit was only two-tenths of a second off my pace; and you were only .37 seconds off my pace. So 'not much' in this case is seventeen one-hundredths of a second." I don't think "not much" could get any smaller, actually.
"Are you sure? Maybe you were late hitting the omni-tool on one of my goes."
"I wasn't, Ash. Everybody's timing protocol was exactly the same. Now the question is, what are you gonna do with this newfound information? I'd recommend you use this to light a fire under your ass, because I won't stand for you becoming any more antagonistic towards the other people on this boat." In fact, if you want to keep you spot on the team, it might be a good idea to tone down the antagonism a few notches.
Williams was quiet for a few moments, before she finally looked up at the Commander and forced a strained-looking smile on her face. "I'll try, Shepard."
"'Atta girl. I'm guessing somebody else wants to come in and know how they did, so feel free to send whoever wants to come in, in." Hopefully that was the worst of them.
"Will do."
The next person to walk into Shepard's cabin was Wrex.
"Wrex."
"Shepard."
Shepard chuckled internally. Goddamn, that never gets old. I could sit here for hours just going back and forth with him. "Shepard." "Wrex." "Shepard." "Wrex." "Shepard." "Wrex." "Shepard." "Wrex." Alright, no giggling at the table. It's not like you don't know what he's here for. "I assume you want to know where you stand?"
"Yes."
Shepard gestured to the seat across from himself. Wrex sat down heavily.
"Wrex, you were fifth in pistol, first in shotgun, second in AR, and third in snipers." And I really need to figure out what you did to your shotgun to make a triangular spread. The targets looked wicked cool after he finished his round. I wanna do that to people!
A smile slid across Wrex's face. "So I'm better with a shotgun than you are?" He crowed triumphantly.
"Nope, sorry. I won everything, so I was only comparing you to the other recruits." I really should just start leading with that. Come on, Spike, pull your head outta your ass and think ahead a little bit.
"Hrmm." Wrex growled to himself. "But I was better than everyone else?"
"Yes." That would be what "first" means, Wrexie-poo. Oh god, never say that again. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
"Hah! That's enough for now, then." Wrex stood up and walked out the door.
"Wrex," Shepard called. Wrex turned around. "Could you send in the next person who wants to come in?" You gotta love talking to Wrex. No aimless bullshit, no boring niceties, just direct and to the point. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. A man truly after my own heart.
"Shepard." Wrex said with a nod.
Kaidan came into the room next. "Hello, Commander."
"Kaidan! Good to see you again. What can I do you for?" Although don't look so hopeful, Kaidan. I really don't swing that way. Sorry bud.
"Can you tell me where I placed, Commander?"
"Sure thing. Have a seat." Kaidan sat down in the other chair and looked down at his hands. "Kaidan, you were second in pistol, fourth in shotgun, fourth in AR, and fifth in snipers. And that's only comparing you to the other recruits, because I won everything." About time I wised up and said that early on. Should save me a lot of trouble later on.
"Ok. Thanks, Commander." Kaidan got up to leave.
"Wait, Kaidan. That's it?" I expect this kind of behavior from Wrex, but not Kaidan. Poor sod's not the most chatty of LTs, but he's usually good for more than a dozen words.
"Yes. What more is there to say? I'm a lousy marine. I'm in the bottom half of the class with weapons."
He looks really dejected. It's not really his fault, though. The Alliance just doesn't spend as much time training biotics how to use weapons. That's the Alliance's failure, not his. "Hold on for just a second, Kaidan. You're not a lousy marine. You're just being compared to some of the best shooters in the galaxy. It's hard to beat someone that good. And don't worry about the sniper rifle thing, because it's much more of a specialization than the other weapons. Being 'just average' with a sniper rifle is an achievement in and of itself. But as to your shotgun and AR skills, use this as an opportunity to become better than the Alliance trains you to be. Ashley and Wrex are phenomenal shots with the weapons they're gonna be giving you pointers on. Learn from it, and you'll go in for your next re-cert and blow the Alliance testers away. So cheer up, alright? This team is too grumpy as it is." And it's led by el grumpo supremo, also known as Spike "Leave me alone before I decorate your intestines with your teeth" Shepard.
"Yes, sir!" Kaidan snapped off a salute and headed out the door looking noticeably more upbeat.
"Send in the next person, please, Kaidan." Shepard called out to his retreating back.
Liara was the next team member to walk through Shepard's door.
"Hi Liara." Shepard smiled at her. "Please, have a seat." Ah, it's good to have a woman across from me again. I gotta admit, I got really lucky that all three of the ladies on my team are sexy as hell. Wonder how that happened?
"Thank you, Shepard." Liara said as she sat down. "I know I am not very good with weapons, but please allow me to remain with you. I can get better, I know it."
"Take it easy, Liara. No one's getting kicked off the ship." Sheesh, take it easy there kiddo. The time at the range wasn't a try-out or some shit like that. I thought I explained that before we left? Oh well, I'll just hit her over the head with it until she understands. "I need every one of you to take down Saren. Nevertheless, I'm really glad to hear that you're going to get better. I know Tali and Garrus are gonna be great teachers, so I'm confident you'll be one of the best shooters in the 'verse in no time. And when that happens, watch out! Your biotics, combined with your soon-to-be killtacular weapon skills, will make you one of the pre-eminent ass-kickers in the galaxy."
"Thank you Shepard. It means a lot to me, to hear you say that. Thank you for allowing me to join your crew, as well. I have never spent much time with people, even asari, and I must say it is nice to have friends, now."
"You're very welcome, Liara. Would you like to know how you did? I understand if you don't." But come on, don't break the streak! Or would it be a tradition? Either way, I'm kind of enjoying this.
"What do you recommend, Shepard?"
"I always like to know where I stand, so I can track my progress. But that's just me." And because I'm an insanely competitive asshole who drives himself to extremes until all bow down before me. Or at least know not to fuck with me.
"Very well. I'd like to know my scores, then."
"Alrighty then. You were last in everything." Oh boy, I probably could have sounded a bit less happy about that fact.
"Oh." Liara's face fell.
Shit. I should have tried to soften the blow or made a joke or something. Now she's gonna be even more depressed. You dumbass! "There is some good news, though, Liara."
"And what is that, Commander?" Liara asked, still downcast.
"You were less than a second off my time with your pistol, and I had the best overall time. Plus, you have the most room to improve out of everyone. For example, I 'won' everything. But that means I have to put in hours and hours and hours of practice to improve by a tenth of a percentage point. And if I don't practice for hours and hours, my skills actually start to degrade. But the two hours you're 'required' to do over the next few days will likely make you twice as good as you are now." Christ, Spike, that barely made sense to me. And it was my rambling mumbo-jumbo! I sure hope she's smart enough to get something out of that mess.
"You are implying that I will experience exponential growth?"
"Yes, exactly! That's my science-y girl! Exponents! I was gonna go with diminishing returns, but exponents describe it better. I think. Whatever." Thank god for smart chicks. I'm pretty sure she just got hotter. It's not every day I meet a woman who can actually make some sense out of a full-length conversation with me. He shook his head, trying to clear it. "And don't forget, you're already really good with your pistol. Plus, you can spend as much time as you like working by yourself on the range, if you don't want anyone to see you."
"I won't forget, Commander. And thank you very much." Liara smiled warmly at him.
"You are so very welcome, Liara." Shepard responded with a warm smile of his own. "Please send in whoever else wants to talk to me." Only two people left. Who's it gonna be, Tali or Garrus?
"I will."
Garrus strolled into Shepard's cabin and sat down across from the Commander. "So how'd I do, Commander?"
Shepard smiled at Garrus's easy appearance. Garrus it is! I gotta say, I'm really glad he and I hit it off. I'm pretty fucking lucky to have another real marksman on my squad. "Well Garrus, you did alright, I guess." He smirked at the turian.
"Uh huh. How good is 'alright,' exactly?"
"Well, I don't really know how to break this to you, but you were fourth in pistols and fifth in shotguns. Luckily for you, Wrex is practically a savant with that shotgun, so he can hopefully pull you out of your suckfest in a few hours." Shepard was grinning wickedly as he layed it on thick for his friend. "You may also want to seek some sort of remedial class for your pistol work, as well." Ha ha. For some reason I feel like Garrus could teach remedial classes to most of C-Sec. Although to be fair, I'm not sure if that says more about Garrus's skill, or C-Sec's general shittiness.
"I appreciate your concern, Commander. I'll try to take that under advisement. But I noticed that you didn't mention ARs or sniper rifles while you were listing my scores."
"Oh, you noticed that, did you? Well I guess turians aren't as stupid as they look! Somebody should make sure that news gets out to the media. Your people could really use the good publicity." Both snipers had a laugh at this. "But putting the joking aside, you were first in both ARs and sniper rifles. Not that I expected anything less. In fact, I would have been absolutely shocked if you hadn't trounced the rest of the team. It's an honor to have you aboard, Mr. Vakarian. And it's a privilege to work with a marksman such as yourself." And that's no bullshit, buddy. Shit, imagine how much damage we could have done on Torfan together?
Garrus nodded gravely, accepting the praise for what it was. "Thank you for allowing me the honor of serving aboard the Normand, Commander. And since it takes a great sniper to recognize another, let me add that you are one hell of a marksman yourself."
Alright, that's enough of that sappy formal shit. "I 'preciate that, Garrus. I reckon we've got more skill with a rifle in this room than most planets can probably scrape together, huh?"
"Yes, that is true. I'll get you one of these days, though, Shepard. Just you watch."
"Anytime you want a rematch, Vakarian, you know where to find me." You'll never beat me, but maybe next time I'll try to take some money offa you. Shepard gave his friend a smile and a nod as the turian headed for the door. "Hey Garrus, if Tali's still out there, can you send her in?"
"Sure thing, Commander."
The next time his cabin door swooshed open, the person Shepard was most looking forward to seeing walked through the door.
"Tali!" Shepard cried, getting up from the table and moving over to hug her. "It seems like it's been days since I saw you! I think you've grown another three or four inches! How the hell are you?" What the hell is wrong with me? Laying it on a little thick, don't ya think? Why can't you just act normal, you fool? Oh well, at least she's laughing. I can live with that, even if she's laughing at me. Chicks like funny guys. Well, human women like funny guys. I have no idea what quarian women like. Maybe I should ask. . . No! You really are a moron, aren't you?
Tali giggled at his exuberant greeting. He's so funny. How does he make me laugh so much? I've never met a man like him before. Maybe I can tell him how much he means to me someday. Too bad he has a girlfriend. I hope she realizes how lucky she is. "It does feel like a long time, Commander." Too long? Perhaps. "How did I do?"
"Ah, I'm wounded Tali! I thought you were here for my charming personality, but alas, you just want to use me like all the rest!" He smiled goofily at her, before schooling his features into a much less ridiculous smile. Traitorous facial muscles! Stop smiling! "At least have a seat. I know I'm going to."
They both moved to the table and sat down facing each other. "Hmm, where are you on this list. Ah, yes. Tali, you were first in pistols, third in shotguns, fifth in ARs, and fifth in snipers. Luckily, I happen to know one of the best snipers in the galaxy, and he's agreed to help train you up some." What's with the modesty all of a sudden? One of the best in the galaxy? Bitch please. I am the best.
Tali laughed again. "Well, tell him he's very kind. And that I look forward to getting better with rifles."
"I will." Shepard chuckled. Hot damn I can't get enough of a woman with a sense of humor. "Did you find a time to work with Liara and show her how to properly wield a shotgun?"
"I did. And we're probably going to go on for longer than two hours, because Liara really wants to get better."
"I'm glad to hear that. She told me as much when she was in here earlier. I'm sure you'll be a great teacher." He smiled at her again, encouraging her. I almost want to re-test Liara before we leave, and see just how much she's improved. I have a feeling her score would rocket up. "And by the way, call me Spike."
"It means a lot for you to say that, Commander. Er, I mean Spike." Tali replied, smiling back at him. Curse this helmet. I wish he could see how happy he makes me. But why does he want me to call him Spike?
"Hey, are you smiling in there?" Shepard asked suddenly.
How can he know that? Can he read my mind? Keelah, that would be so embarrassing! "Yes I am, Shep-, Spike. How did you know?"
"I can just sorta tell. I think it's a combination of your posture, the tilt of your head, and I can kinda see your eyes and cheeks. It just looked like smiling." Yeah Spike, because watching somebody's every move and staring through their helmet isn't creepy at all.
At least he cares enough to try to see how I'm feeling. Tali sighed internally. Something is better than nothing, I suppose. But if he takes off his shirt again like he did earlier, I don't think I could stop myself from trying to touch him. "Well, I'm glad you're starting to be able to tell how I'm feeling. I was worried I might have to start speaking my emotions like an elcor if you didn't wise up soon!" Her little laugh brought a much heartier laugh to Shepard's lips. "Ooh wait, why do you want me to call you Spike?"
"It's my nickname. A lot of my friends call me Spike. I thought we were friends, so I wanted to give you the option of calling me something other than 'Shepard' or 'Commander,' at least in private." I wanna be your friend, Tali. He mocked himself in a singsong voice. Oh god, please stop. I hate that stupid little voice. Go back into whatever corner of my head you crawled out of, damn it!
"Ok, Spike." She was positively beaming under her helmet, a fact that was not lost on Shepard. "Wait, if Shepard is your last name, and Spike is your fake first name, what's your real first name?"
"I can't tell you that, Tali. At least not yet." He could see her smile fade. Aw, don't be sad. Please?
"Why not?"
"Because even my best friends don't know my real name. They know me as Spike." Huh. Best friends . . . I think that's pretty much nobody right now. I really need to get out more. That's it, I've decided. When I kill Saren, I'm taking at least a month-long vacation. And the Alliance can go bone itself if it has a problem with that.
"So doesn't anybody know your real name?"
"I do." There really is no replacement for sarcasm, is there?
"I meant besides you."
"I see." Shepard grinned at his joke. "In that case, there are other people who know my real name. The Alliance, specifically. I had to tell them in order to enlist." Rotten little bastards that they are. I don't know why "Spike Shepard" wasn't good enough for them. Spike is a hell of a lot better than "Adalrico."
"Why don't you tell other people your real name?" Tali pressed.
"Because talking about my name makes me remember things I'd rather forget." As he said this, his eyes fell to the ground and he looked sad for the first time since Tali had met him.
You stupid bosh'tet! Who do you think named him? Of course he doesn't want to remember his dead parents. Do you like remembering Mother? Why do you have to keep asking him about them? "So you never tell your friends your real name?" She asked softly, trying to change the topic.
"No, I don't." His answer was subdued, and his eyes still faced downward. "It takes a lot of trust for me to open up that much." He suddenly looked up at her, his eyes burning with intensity. This time, she was the one to look away.
I wish I could be someone like that. I wonder if his "girlfriend" knows. I shouldn't ask, though. Especially not right now.
I wonder what she's thinking in there. I hope she isn't too sad. It's nothing personal; it's just that trust takes time to build. Maybe I should invite her to dinner. She probably pities me enough right now to agree. Do I really want to guilt her into a date, though? Is it a date at all? Fuck it, I don't care. Some date-like-thing is better than no date-like-thing. "Tali?"
"Yes Spike?"
"Do you want to get some dinner with me somewhere?" Oh damn, I shoulda used this time to get that little "talk" with Beth out of the way. Fuck, no chance to do that now. Wait a second, that can't take too long, right? "Hey, sorry you're sad, the geth are total dicks, stop being a bitch to me or I'll dump your pretty little blonde ass." That's what, like, thirty seconds worth of talking? I'll just build some lead-time in to my dinner plans. You da man Spike! "My stomach's telling me it'll be chow time in about, uh, an hour."
"Yes, I'd like that a lot." Tali replied, and he could just make out the smile behind her helmet.
Shepard walked Tali to the door. "Alright, Tali, I'll see you in an hour?" That's gotta be plenty of lead time to talk to Beth, shower, shave, and get dressed in something halfway-decent, right?
She nodded. "Would you like me to just meet you up by the airlock?"
"Yeah, that'll work. I've probably got some stuff to take care of before then, so if I'm late, just wait for me. If I'm more than five minutes late, have Joker page me, and I'll come right up." Unless I'm in the shower still, in which I probably won't hear the little cretin.
"Okay, Spike." She smiled up at him.
He looked around carefully, making sure there was no one nearby. "Cool, Tali. Just remember, it's Shepard when the crew can hear you. Spike is okay anytime they can't." God damn, that little smile she's got going on is so fucking adorable. It should really be illegal. Maybe I should submit a memo to the Council about it. "Why sexy little quarian engineers smiling demurely should be outlawed." Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good title. And the rest of the memo would just say: "Because it's way too god damn sexy and it's all you can do not to throw them down on the nearest flat surface (or slam them up against such a surface) and have your way with their sexy little bodies until they can't walk properly and waddle away with an extra-sexy wiggle to their sexy fucking asses." Is that too many "sexys?" Nah, I don't think so. Holy fucking shit, Spike, you need to get laid. Your brain is turning to mush.
"I remember, Shepard." She winked at him, then turned and walked away.
Shepard just stood and stared, watching her hips sway back and forth. Did she just wink at me? Nah, she musta just had something in her eye. Goddamn, she has great hips. What a gorgeous ass. I wonder if it's tight and firm, or soft and squeezable. What I wouldn't give to find out. Fuck, I probably shouldn't be thinking about how amazing another woman's ass is while I'm about to go talk to my girlfriend. Although to be fair, Beth doesn't have an ass like that. So it's not my fault that I'm looking at such a fine piece of real estate, right? Probably not. Shepard shook his head at the depravity of his thoughts. What the fuck is wrong with you, Spike?