Chapter 23

"So how was your date Commander?" Joker asked as soon as Shepard and Tali came through the airlock.

"It wasn't a date, Joker." Shepard sighed. "Tali, I'll deal with this lunkhead if you wanna get back down to engineering."

"Thank you, Sp- Shepard." The two shared a smile. "Bye."

"Bye, Tali." Shepard moved to stand behind the pilot and put one hand on his chair.

Joker's eyebrows did a little dance. "Did you two need a minute? I don't wanna get in your way, Shepard. What was she about to call you anyway? Sugar plum? Spumoni? Special boytoy?"

"None of the above, helmsman. And if you want to keep your job, you probably want to stop your current train of thought."

"Ouch. Apparently somebody isn't getting any tonight." Joker looked up and caught the glare from Shepard. "Moving on, if that wasn't a date, I don't know what was. Because I take the ladies out to dinner aaall the time, with no ulterior motives."

"Well, I might believe you if you were ever out of the cockpit. But as far as I can tell, the only lady in your life is your right hand."

"Hey now, that was below the belt." Joker chuckled. "Literally, actually. And don't forget about the Normandy. She's the only girl for me."

"If you say so. She's the only girl who can tolerate you, that's for sure."

"Damn, Shepard. Hate the game, not the player."

"I don't even know what that means, Joker. But on a more serious note, if you're looking for a friend of the female persuasion, why don't you go out and try to find one?"

"Are you kidding me?" Joker scoffed. "You know I live vicariously through you people. Most of the chicks I've wanted to take home tend to get pretty turned off by the sound of snapping bones."

"Huh. Maybe you're bringing home the wrong types of girls. Military girls love the sound of snapping bones." Shepard waited until Joker had turned to look at him. "I know Ashley's single. Want me to put in a good word?"

Joker blanched. "Oh god no. She'd turn me into kindling." He managed to recover his equilibrium. "And besides: if she did that, who'd fly the ship?"

Shepard waved a hand. "I'm sure somebody'd wanna have a go. If not, I reckon I could do it."

Joker doubled over laughing. He managed to choke out an "oh man" and "no way" and "I'm dying here" in between gasps of breath and long rolling laughs. His laughter finally slowed, and he wiped a tear from his eye. "You know I have access to your helmet cams, right?"

"So?"

"So I've seen the way you drive the Mako." The pilot was caught up in another round of laughter. "You'd shear my poor girl in half."

"I haven't broken the Mako." Joker raised an eyebrow at the Commander's protest, causing the warrior to add a sheepish, "Much."

"Uh huh. And the Mako tops out at what, 120 kph? Whereas the Normandy is capable of faster than light travel. We'd all end up spaced, and the Alliance would be left wondering who let the monkey on the bridge."

"You wound me, Joker." Shepard said, faking hurt. "And I thought in this scenario, you'd already been broken up into kindling? So you wouldn't be around to see it anyway."

"You've got a point there." The helmsman acknowledged. "But another explanation is that once Ashley got a piece of all this," he pointed to his body, "she'd never let me leave her bed. Then you'd be out one of your soldiers."

"Uh huh. Well if you're that confident, I'll just have to casually drop her a hint that our peerless pilot wants to get it on. I'll make sure to do that while she's cleaning her rifle, too."

"Yeah, okay, how 'bout not." Joker shivered. "So, we done here? Because I think my feelings are hurt."

"Aw, are you telling me to leave, Joker?"

"Yes. Leave my bridge, Commander."

"Whose bridge?"

Joker sighed. "Your bridge. Now leave."

"I didn't hear the magic wo-ord."

"I take back my comment earlier about your bad mood. Can you lose this good mood, please? It's so freaking annoying." Shepard just stared at him. "Fine. Please leave."

"As you wish." Shepard said with a low bow.

"I doubt it." Joker muttered after his retreating back.

"Commander. To what do I owe this, ahem, pleasure?" Joker asked when Shepard slid into the co-pilot seat. "I'll have you know that I still haven't recovered from your last verbal assault. So please, keep my fragile ego in mind when you open your mouth."

"Nope. I actually came up here to talk to you about where we're going next."

"You mean we're finally gonna leave the wonderfully joyful environs of the Citadel?"

"Oh, it's not that bad."

"Speak for yourself, Commander. My baby and I haven't gotten a chance to stretch her wings in ages."

"Well, then you should both be happy. Here's a list of some places that have something that needs doing before we get to Noveria. Use your magic navigation skills to plan us out an efficient route." Shepard activated his omni-tool and sent over the information.

"Aw, really? Can't you do it?"

"Nope. One of the perks of being in command is I get to pawn the shitty jobs off on the peons."

"Hey now Shepard, I'm into some weird stuff, but not that weird." Shepard rolled his eyes. "But seriously, can't Pressly do this? He's the XO." Joker continued to moan.

"Nope. Navigation is not one of the XO's duties. Navigation, surprise surprise, is the job of the pilot. And who is that?" Shepard had adopted a patronizing, singsong tone of voice for the last bit.

"Me." Joker sighed and started opening the list of assignments.

"That's right. Does the little man want a cookie?"

"Alright, I said I'd do it. Can you stop with the creepy voice? It's starting to freak me out."

"But why-ee?" Shepard added an extra syllable to the word and forced his voice into a high falsetto.

That drew a shudder from Joker. "Ok, please, stop." He shuddered again. "Anything that needs to get done first or whatever?"

Shepard's voice returned to its usual timbre. "Fine. You're no fun, Joker. I thought you were supposed to have a sense of humor. And no, just make sure we go to Noveria last."

"No, I don't have a sense of humor. The nickname's ironic, remember?"

"Oh right. I remember now." Shepard grinned.

Joker, engrossed in his new job, missed the smile. "And you've got me doing this crap. Nobody could have a good time while doing this."

"True enough. So what's the plan?"

"How can you think I'm already done?"

"Because I know you, Joker."

"Sometimes I hate you."

"I know, Joker."

Joker swept his hand across the haptic interface and a large map of the galaxy appeared on the overhead display. "There you go. Hades Gamma, Artemis Tau, Gemini Sigma, Maroon Sea, Kepler Verge, Armstrong Nebula, Argos Rho, Horse Head Nebula. Plotted out to be as snappy as possible. You're welcome." He added mock salute at the end. "Care to tell me what we'll be doing at all these places?"

"Ah, you know. A little fighting, a little shooting, a little talking, and zero lovin'. I hope. You'll be flying, I'll be driving. Same shit, different day."

"Really? Not hoping to get lucky? You might want to tell most of the women onboard then."

"Ha ha ha. Very funny, Joker. I'll keep that in mind." Shepard cracked a genuine smile. "And I think my girlfriend would have something to say about me having sex with anyone who isn't her."

"Ooh, yeah. Girlfriends tend to be the jealous type."

"All the good ones, anyway. Besides, I'm sure Chakwas would have something to say about the issue, too. She always has something to say."

Joker nodded. "But she's usually right."

"I know. That's what makes it so irritating." The two men shared a smile over their overprotective shipboard mother. "Well . . ." He stood up from the seat and stretched a little, wincing. "I'm gonna tell Pressly to check in with all the section heads, make sure we don't leave anybody behind, and whenever he gives you the ok, head on out to the Hades Gamma system. We're looking for the MSV Ontario first."

"Will do, el jefe." Joker said with a wave towards Shepard's retreating back.

Shepard strolled down to the CIC. "Pressly."

The older man turned around and snapped into a salute. "Commander. What do you need?"

Shepard saluted back. "Check in with all the section heads. As soon as we have everybody onboard who's supposed to be here, let Joker know so we can ship out."

"Yes sir."

"Thanks, XO." Shepard turned and walked away.

"Well that was fun." Joker said upon the team's arrival back onboard.

"Yeah. Real barrel of laughs." Shepard replied, with some sarcasm of his own.

"Yeppers. So, next up?"

Shepard consulted his omni-tool. "Yeah. Take us over to the planet Trebin, in the Antaeus System. I heard there's a survey team that's dropped out of contact."

"Picking up more strays are we?" Joker said with a grin as he piloted the Normandy away from the Ontario.

"Not a fucking chance in hell. It's probably just a communications glitch, some idiot who can't set their radio up the right way. But I figure we can drop in, help them correct their stupidity out of the kindness of our hearts, then see if they don't have anything lying around that they'd like to donate to the cause."

"Ah, I see." Joker nodded. "So we're more of the business-minded Samaritan, rather than the Good Samaritan?"

"Exactly. Somebody's gotta keep us afloat. May as well be those in need."

"That's just all kinds of wrong, Commander." Joker shook his head. "ETA is a shade under three hours. You gonna stay up here the whole time?"

"No. I'm gonna go send a message to Admiral Hackett, thanking him for turning us on to this mess, and politely inquire about the increase in my fee that comes about as a result of his shitty intel."

"You go boy. Shake that Brass down!"

Shepard grunted noncommittally as he walked away, leaving Joker to his work.

Fuck! Why can't anything ever be simple? That was supposed to be a quick and easy mission. Find the ship; talk the crazy biotic assholes into handing over their hostage, then leave. Instead, they decided not to respond to our hails, which meant I got to suit up, take Garrus and Wrex in there, and break some heads. Christ. I think we wiped out half the L2s in the galaxy that are, make that were, still functional.

Shepard made it to his cabin, typed out a quick report to Hackett, then leaned back in his chair, thinking. I probably could have been a bit more thorough with that report, but too fucking bad. He'll get the gist of it. Now I have to decide what I want to do for the next two hours. I really don't even think it's worth getting out of this armor, just to have to put it back on. Speaking of this armor, it's fucking shit. Those goddamn biotics were causing all kinds of havoc. I guess I don't really have a choice but to keep wearing it, but hopefully these scientists will hook us up with some credits. Because at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna have to replace this shit within a month. Fuck. He looked around the room. Eh, to hell with it. I'm gonna take a fucking nap. He set his omni-tool to wake him in 90 minutes, and then rested his chin on his chest and was asleep almost instantly.

Shepard stepped off the elevator and into the hangar. "Hey, Garrus. You feeling alright?" He asked as he walked towards the turian.

Garrus turned away from the Mako. "Of course, Shepard. Did you really think a tussle with a few biotics could hurt me?"

"Nah. Just checking. Get suited up and hop in." He gestured to the Mako. "We're dropping in ten. I'm gonna go get Tali." He turned for engineering so quickly that he missed Garrus's small smirk. He passed through the doors into engineering and had to physically stop himself from whistling. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm exhausted, pissed off, and just mowed down a platoon's worth of ex-Alliance soldiers not three hours ago. Why the fuck am I smiling? Just then, the source of his happiness came into view.

"Hi Tali!"

"Hello, Shepard. Feeling alright?"

"Of course." Sheppard flexed his arms theatrically and Tali giggled. "You up for a trip in the Mako?"

"Of course." She smiled as she mirrored his answer. "Where are we going?"

"Place called Trebin. There's a survey team planet-side that keeps dropping out of contact. I reckon we can go down there and fix whatever issues they're having, before contacting their sponsor for a sort of 'helper's fee.'"

"I see." Tali said, as they started walking back towards the hangar bay. "Is that a common practice for humans?"

"Not really. But even if the company or corporation isn't feeling particularly generous, the survey team probably has some stuff that they're not using that they wouldn't mind giving us. A lot of these teams usually end up with some junk that they brought along that they didn't end up using. We're just saving them the trouble of bringing it all back home with them."

"Mhmm." Tali grinned up at him. "And how valuable are these materials?"

"Well ya see, it depends." Shepard gave her a grin of his own. "Worst case scenario, a few hundred credits. Best case scenario, a few thousand."

"Then I hope it's the latter, Shepard."

"Me too, Tali." They had reached her locker, and she started going through her supplies. "Alright, I'll leave you to it. Meet us in the Mako when you're done."

"Okay."

Shepard walked over to the Mako and hopped in. "S'up Garrus."

"S'up, Commander?" Garrus gave the human yet another confused look.

"A bit of late 20th century human lingo. It's an informal greeting. Like 'hey' or 'how's it going.'"

"I see. Then, 's'up,' Shepard?"

Shepard chuckled. That's good, Garrus. You ever want some more human idioms, you let me know. I'll hook you up."

"Thanks for the offer, Shepard. Would you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You seem to use a lot of words that aren't in the translator. Ka-peesh, keelhaul, s'up, among others. Are these flaws in the translator?"

Shepard laughed, and then stopped suddenly. "Wait, I've never said anything about keelhauling to you."

"I know. I was talking to Joker while we were on the Citadel and he mentioned it."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense." He thought back to Garrus's earlier question. "As for the other thing about the translator, no. It's not a problem with your translator. They're just not very common words. I've never met anybody else who uses them, so I guess I shouldn't expect translators to be set up to handle them."

"Hm." Garrus was silent for a moment, before he decided to press Shepard a little harder. "Then can I ask you something else?"

"Of course."

"If those words are uncommon, then how do you know them?"

"You calling me stupid, Garrus?" Shepard asked with a smile.

"No! That wasn't what I meant." Garrus scrambled for a way to make his meaning clear.

Shepard patted his turian friend on the back. "Relax, buddy. I'm just yankin' your chain."

"Oh! You should make that clearer next time."

"I smiled while I said it. What more do you want?" Garrus shrugged in response. "Anyway, back to your question. A lot of people think that us guys that fight in the dirt are dumb. I can't speak for anybody else, but I did a lot of reading when I was younger. There wasn't any one type of book or anything, I just liked to read. I have less time for it now, but I still enjoy firing up a book and relaxing when I get a chance on leave."

"That answers my question, Shepard. Thank you."

"No problem. I'm always happy to talk. On a side note, you really should try lightening up. Joke around a little and shit. Not be so serious all the time, ya know?"

"I will take that under advisement, Commander."

"Alrighty then. Now where the hell is-" He was interrupted as Tali walked in the back. "Tali! About time. You ready to provide some on-site tech support?"

"Yes, Shepard." She laughed a little.

"Good." Sheppard closed the back hatch, and then activated the intercom. "Where we at, Joker?"

"Drop in two, Commander."

"Thanks. See you when we get back."