Chapter 33
Hot diggity damn. Shepard let out a contented sigh as he pretended to re-read a list of missions and action tips that he'd received while on the Citadel. That was a great fucking week. Plenty of downtime, a good chunk of time spent playing with new toys at the gun range, and lots of opportunities to shoot the breeze with my peeps. That was probably the best part of all of this, finding out that most of my crew is almost as fucked up as I am. It's sad when the only member of the team without daddy issues is Kaidan; and he's still hung up on the first chick who ever shot him down. Rahna, wasn't it? Poor guy. Too bad just getting him laid wouldn't help him, since he's got all those "emotions" and whatnot to sort through. You'd think a decade would be enough time to get over one girl. Hell, it only took me, like, a night to get over Beth. Pretty sure that's a side effect of being awesomely badass, though.
Seriously, how did I get over her so quickly? My badassery is usually limited to blowing shit up and killing things. Matters of the heart have never really been my forte. She and I were together for what, something like six months? Granted, we didn't spend that much time together, but we really enjoyed the time we spent together. Didn't we? But if that was the case, it would have been really hard for me to always be away. I guess that's my answer then. She and I never connected on any level other than comfort. Being together was a safe and low-maintenance way to spend my shore leave. Ouch. That's not very nice to her, is it? Not that it matters now, since she was such a bitch in our last conversation. What was I thinking about before I got sidetracked by the stupid strumpet?
Oh that's right, Kaidan and his love life, which is somehow even worse than mine. Maybe I should hook him up with Ashley. I bet she could find something in Scripture to help Kaidan "heal" or whatever. I can only imagine how much it must suck for Ash being held back because of something her grandpa did. Hell, I don't think the guy was even in the wrong. He made the tough call to surrender in order to save Shanxi's civilians, and I respect him for that. It's not like he had a choice against an orbital blockade. At least on Elysium I could help the civilians shoot the bad guys. He didn't have shit to work with but prayers. Either way, props to you, old man Williams: you've got my respect. Maybe that was when Ashley's family started their devotion to God and religion and philosophy and all that jazz. Of course, it could also be because her dad died, or maybe her whole family's just a little cuckoo. From the stories she told me, that's not an impossibility. Actually, I don't think I hate Kaidan enough to get him involved with a Williams woman. Something tells me none of them would be real open to a one-night stand.
Ha, speaking of old men and respect, Wrex is the fuckin' dictionary definition of a crafty old bastard. I'm really glad he's on my side, rather than working for that turian prick. Well, anymore, that is. I still can't believe some of the shit he's pulled. That fight with his asari frenemy Aleena musta been something to see. I kinda wanna blow up a space station now, just so I can say I've done it too. I bet the Council would shit bricks if I did something like that. Heh, that actually makes it a more attractive idea.
Ya know what else is an attractive idea? Liara. When we grabbed dinner together that one night, she looked fuckin' fine as hell. I mean, after seeing her mom on Noveria, I can see where she gets it, but she's got a rack most women would kill for. Large yet perky, and they look delightfully soft. Just imagining motorboating those things gives me the warm tinglies. I bet that'd be fucking great. She's really lucky that she's got the science stuff going for her, or she'd be beating guys off with sticks. Ha ha ha, I bet beating off with a stick would hurt like a motherfucker. That intelligentsia vibe she sends out makes her seem pretty unapproachable, though, so she probably doesn't have to worry. Plus, she's got some pretty kick-ass biotics loaded in the chamber for any unwanted approaches. Yet underneath all that, she's a totally adorable little nerd. The old "judging a book by its cover" thing applies to her, that's for damn sure. I wonder what she'd look like dressed up like a librarian? Ooh, or in a schoolgirl skirt and stockings? Down Spike!
I wonder if the other races have any weird fetishes and fantasies? I wouldn't mind hearing about an asari's, but a turian or krogan? Blech. Oh god, now I can't stop wondering what kinda kinks Garrus is hiding underneath that tough-guy exterior. No. There're no kinks. That train of thought is being forcibly derailed. I'm just gonna stick with the notion that his inner book is exactly like his cover. He's a disciple of the noble order of the badass, just like me. Alright, so maybe he's a little more righteous than I am, but so what? I can outshoot him, and that's all that really matters at the end of the day. It sucks that he doesn't get to spend more time with his sister because of his asshole of a dad and the whole working on the Citadel thing. I wonder if I could find time to swing by Palaven; maybe drop him off for a few days? Nah, prolly wouldn't work. I'd have to do it for everybody then, in the interests of fairness. Granted, I'm not as close to anybody else as I am to him, but it'd probably cause a ruckus with somebody. Well, I guess I'm pretty close to Tali, too.
Ah, Tali. I don't know what to make of her sometimes. I mean she keeps to herself a lot, nearly as much as me, but then she gets going about some engineering gizmo or doodad and I can hardly keep up. Can't understand a word of it, but she seems so damn happy that I'm not running away that it makes her more excited. I bet she didn't have many friends growing up. That would explain her in-depth knowledge of all things electronic and technological, as well as her insecurities when we're just talking. I'm glad she's been opening up more during our meals together. Come on, Spike, call them what they are: dates. You can't get enough of spending time with her and you know it.
A knock on his door yanked Shepard from his recollections. Ah shit. Maybe I should just send all this crap to Joker and have him put together our list of course headings. He did a pretty decent job of it last time, and I'm certainly not making any progress. Probably because I have no interest in doing paperwork-type bullshit, but still. Meh, why not?
"Enter." He called out, before sending the list of missions and potential jobs to Joker with a note reading, "You know what to do. And if you don't, take a wild guess. And if you're wrong, I'll tell everyone about what happened while we were at Flux two nights ago." The door slid open, revealing the quarian about whom he had just been reminiscing. A wide smile split his face as he got up to give her a hug, something he'd been doing more and more over the last two days. Think of an angel, and she shall appear! Okay, that's a bit heavy-handed. Never say that again, Spike. Giving Tali a hug is a pretty phenomenal experience though. She's squishy in all the right places, yet delightfully sturdy in others. And the best part is that I don't need to feel guilty about hugging her, or showing her attention, or pondering that the feelings I have for her may be romantic, because I'm a free man again! No more worries about what some bitch would think. Huh, maybe I'm not quite as over Beth as I thought it was. No matter. I've got a sexy lady in my arms, therefore life is good.
Tali relaxed into his embrace. Keelah, I could get used to this. His arms are so strong, and his body is so warm, I could probably fall asleep in his embrace. She was sad when he pulled away and motioned her to a chair.
"To what do I owe this wonderful visit, Tal?" Shepard asked, his smile still firmly in place.
"Nothing important." Tali shrugged. "I just really enjoyed spending time with you over the last few days, and wanted to get in a little more before you get back into 'fierce Commander Shepard' mode."
"Do you really think I have modes, Tali?"
"Yes. You have your angry business one, your professional business one, your funny yet defensive one, your 'don't get in my way' one, and your kind, caring, wonderful one. I like the last one the best." She blushed underneath her helmet at her impromptu admission.
Shepard's grin got even wider, although he hadn't thought such a thing could be possible. "Thanks, Tal. It's really nice to hear you say that." Then he winked at her. "And I like spending time alone with you too."
Tali's brain suddenly kicked into overdrive, imagining how nice some true "alone time" with Shepard would be. These thoughts caused a warm feeling to spread through her body. Suddenly, she remembered something else that she had wanted to say. "Oh! Spike?"
"Yeah?" He looked at her expectantly.
"I wanted to thank you again for getting me the Lightweight Colossus X armor. It's beautiful! And amazing! I never knew something so strong could feel so light. The two exoskeleton designs you got for us make it even better. Also, Garrus wanted me to pass on his thanks as well, again, for the Medium-weight Silverback X armor."
"You two don't have to keep thanking me. I was busy buying myself that Medium-weight Predator M X set, and I couldn't just buy something for myself but not get you two anything. Besides, I bought the schematic for those two exoskeletons so the whole team could use them, not just me or you or Garrus."
"I know. You've just been so wonderful this week, and it's so nice to see you happy, especially after what happened-" She suddenly went quiet, realizing what she had been about to let slip. Please don't notice that, Spike. She thought hopefully.
"After what happened, Tali?" As Shepard spoke, the ambient noise in the cabin seemed to disappear, as though the Normandy herself knew a storm was approaching. I really hope she's about to talk about killing Benezia; or when I spilled beer on my favorite shirt when I was out with Garrus, Kaidan and Wrex; or something equally as unimportant.
"Um." Oh Ancestors, why did I open my mouth? Now what can I tell him? I know he expects to hear something, but I can't tell him the truth. He'd be so angry. As she scrambled frantically for a lie while staring down at the table, her conscience spoke up. I have to tell him the truth, he's my captain. And he's been so good to me. How many people would have taken in a quarian? All he's done is protect me, take care of me, and make me a better person. He deserves the truth, even if it makes him mad at me. It's my fault for spying on him, anyway. Well, mine, and Garrus's, and Joker's. But he doesn't need to know about their involvement. She drew a deep breath, and then whispered her confession. "When you went onto Arcturus station, I was really worried about you so I hacked into the camera and watched you to make sure you weren't in trouble." He stared at her expectantly. "And we saw your girlfriend break up with you."
Shepard drew several deep breaths, fighting to keep his raging temper in check. "You said 'we.' Who exactly is 'we?'" He asked, doing a masterful job of keeping his voice even and non-threatening.
Tali gulped. I just decided that I wouldn't tell him about Garrus and Joker, and I did it anyway! Tali, you can be such a stupid bosh'tet sometimes! Seeing no choice but to continue to tell him the truth, she kept her head down and answered his question. "It was me, Garrus, and Joker. But Spike, we were just worried about you, and didn't want to see anything happen to you!" She finally raised her head to look at him, and the sight that met her eyes drove the air from her lungs.
Shepard was staring at a spot on the wall just above her head, and his breathing was steady. If she didn't know him, she would have guessed that he was fine. However, his face was the same cold mask of stone that she had seen when Bethany had broken up with him. His gray eyes looked like the clouds that carry a thunderstorm: dark as slate, roiling with power, and promising violence. As she stared, transfixed and petrified; like the mouse that can't look away from the eyes of the viper; the emotion that his eyes carried disappeared, until those expressive orbs were as dead as the rest of his face.
God fucking damnit! I was having such a great week. Can I please make it through one goddamn trip to the Citadel without everything going to hell in a hand basket? Just once, I'd like fate to pick somebody else to be its bitch for a little while. Like, a week maybe? Is that too much to ask? Fucking goddamn shithole ass fuckers. And here I thought they were my friends. My fucking friends! Friends don't go behind each other's backs and spy on each other like little bitches. If they wanted to know something, why the fuck didn't they just ask? I'da probably told 'em it was none of their damn business, but that decision should be mine to make! Not theirs! Fuck! Alright Spike, don't freak out. Just play it calm and cool, and get her out of here. You know how to deal with anger; you're a champ at it! "Thank you for visiting, Tali. I have some work to do, so please go back to Engineering."
It took her a moment to realize that he was dismissing her. For the briefest second, she considered arguing her point, and trying to explain that their actions were just a reflection of how much they cared about him. Then she remembered the threat that his eyes had carried, and realized that attempting to resist Shepard's order would be a painful mistake. Suppressing a shiver, she held her posture straight as she got up and walked out of his cabin. A few seconds after the door closed behind her, she heard the unmistakable sound of a chair crashing against the wall and then shattering into pieces. Silent tears started to run down her face as she considered her relationship with the man inside that room. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that that man was her captain; and a part of her knew with equal certainty that she felt things for him that were decidedly romantic. With a heavy heart, she realized that whatever that relationship may have been, it now lay in shattered pieces, like one of Shepard's chairs, on the other side of the door.