Chapter 39
"Hey Commander?"
Oh for the love of all that is holy. I swear to all the gods of all the pantheons that have ever existed for any race that if Joker doesn't have a level 10 emergency - like, we're being attacked by a Reaper type emergency - I will break every bone in his body. Starting with his fingers and toes, and working inwards. A quick glance back at Tali had the effect of altering Shepard's tune. Although maybe I should be thanking him. Looking at Tali now in profile, there's no way I woulda been able to hold out from grabbing something I shouldn't for much longer. I'd say my willpower would probably have lasted for another 30 seconds, tops. Still, if the emergency is anything less than a 6, I'm gonna break some bones. Just maybe not all of them.
Unbeknownst to Shepard, Tali was having very similar thoughts. Ooh, Joker! I'm going to, to, to do something to you for interrupting us. That was the nicest I have ever felt in my life, and you ruined it! Now who knows when Spike will be relaxed enough to let me get that close to him again. And just like Shepard, Tali also had a part of her brain that was focused on common sense, and was arguing against punishing the pilot in various entertaining ways. But he's my captain! I shouldn't be getting that close to him. I most certainly shouldn't be sharing a bed with him under any circumstances, accidental and platonic or not. What would Auntie Raan say if she knew? Although maybe, since Spike's a human, she'd be okay with it? No, that would probably make it worse. Father would certainly take issue with my behavior. I suppose it's a good thing, then, that neither of them are here.
"Uh, what is it, Joker? I'm right in the middle of something here." Shepard finally responded to his pilot. Not quite as "in the middle" as I'd like to be, but close enough. Actually, I'm not sure if quarians' genitalia are near the middle of the body. From out here, they certainly seem to be set up the same way as humans, but that's no guarantee of what it's like under that suit. Probably something I should look into; especially if I'm serious about making a real play for Tali's affections at some point.
"Well, I thought you might like to know that the Council wants to talk to you, and they won't let me hang up on them. Apparently, they didn't like your 'tunnel' gag from last time."
Shepard chuckled. That was fun. But if they're preventing Joker from just disconnecting the call, they must have something serious they want to talk about. I guess I can spare a few minutes to find out what they want. And then I can come back here and spend some more time with Tali. Hells to the yeah! "Alright, Joker. Tell them I'll be right there." With that said, Shepard turned to his quarian companion.
"Hey Tali. You were awfully quiet during that exchange."
"I didn't really have anything to say, Spike. After all, the Council wants to talk to you, not me." She cheekily answered.
Shepard chuckled. "Thanks for the support, Tal. Hopefully this call won't take long, then I can come back down here and we can talk more." A moment of silence came over the pair. "Er, what were we talking about, again?"
Ancestors, I can't remember! It's like whatever conversation we were having was swept away by that wonderful feeling of warmth and happiness I felt when I was in Spike's arms. But I can't say that to him, can I? "Um, I'm not sure, Spike."
"Huh. Oh well. While I'm indisposed with those irksome imbeciles," Sweet alliteration, Spike! "why don't you come up with a new topic for us to talk about."
"I can do that, Spike." Tali replied, with a smile that lit up the room even through her visor. Tali found her thoughts once again taking a turn for the naughty as she watched the commander walk out of his room. Maybe next time we're laying on his bed together, he can be on top of me so I can feel just how tight his butt is. I really want to take two big handfuls and squeeze while he flexes those muscles. Mmm. All thoughts of finding a new topic of conversation were lost as Tali's imagination began to run wild.
On his walk up to the comm room, Shepard's thoughts were not nearly as pleasant as those of the quarian in his cabin. I wonder what the trio of terror has for me today? Actually, that's a terrible name. Council of fools is more accurate, but so uninspired. Dipshits and dingleberries? Ooh, that's a fun one. Sparatus is the dipshit, Tevos is dingleberry number one, and Valern is dingleberry number two. This is gonna be so entertaining. From now on, whenever they're jabbering on about something or other, I'm gonna amuse myself by narrating our conversations in my head. "Councillor dipshit takes the floor, and says that humans are useless wastes of space. Dingleberry two interjects, pointing out that the sheer number of humans makes for an exceptional amount of cannon fodder. Dipshit nods his head, once again going displaying his simple-mindedness. Dingleberry one tells the human representatives that the Council's hands are tied in this matter, and they should resolve it themselves." Damn, that could actually just be the voice-over for every conversation the Council ever has with humans. Oh look, I'm at the comm room already. Time really flies when you're being dickish. I suppose I should probably wipe the shit-eating grin off my face before dipshit or the dingleberries see it. They'd probably make some annoying comment that would harsh the buzz I got from sharing some time in bed with Tali. There's really something to be said for tiny beds.
"What's up, doc?" Shepard said to get the Councillor's attentions.
Three holographic heads snapped around to look at the human.
"How nice of you to grace us with your presence, Commander." Sparatus spoke for the Council.
How nice of you to start this meeting out with your typical sarcasm, dipshit. These three fuckers must feel pretty cocky since they think I can't hang up on them. "You're welcome, Sparatus." Shepard gave the turian a cheeky grin. Maybe I've been hanging out with Tali too much. Or vice versa. Actually, there's no such thing as spending too much time with her.
"That's Councilor Sparatus to you, human!" The Council-member responded hotly, pointing one long talon at Shepard.
"Please, gentlemen, behave." The asari councilor put a hand on her turian counterpart.
And we hear from dingleberry one. Oh, that's much too long to say. I think D-1 will be easier to say on a regular basis. Ha, maybe I can get Garrus to start calling them that. I know Joker'll be all for it, but Garrus might be tough to convince. I'm still working on getting him to loosen up and stop taking authority figures so seriously. Damn turian brain-washing! What's life without a little irreverent joshing? Oh, I think the dipshits and dingleberries are finally getting to the point.
"Given your interest in Saren's activities, Commander, we thought you might want to go investigate the infiltration team's findings." Valern said.
Shit. I may have missed the important part. "And could you give me the exact coordinates for the infiltration team?"
"As we said, Commander, their message from Virmire was nothing but static." Tevos's voice was unnaturally cold.
Huh, she sounds angry. I wonder if she figured out I wasn't paying attention? No matter, I've got what I need. Now to get rid of these useless twats. "Wonderful. Thanks bunches, and I'll get to it if I get to it. Toodles!" Shepard then turned on his heel and walked away. Of course, I'm going to head directly for Virmire, but they don't need to know that.
The Council exchanged miffed looks before disappearing. As soon as they were gone, Joker spoke up. "So, we going to Virmire Commander?"
"Of course! I've got this itch that can only be scratched by delivering the largest ass-whupping in the history of the universe to Saren. And I think the sooner I scratch that itch, the happier I'll be. So get us there with all possible speed, please."
"Aye aye!" Joker said happily, before punching up the Normandy's drive core and plotting out the fastest course to Virmire. "ETA An hour and fifty-eight minutes, Commander."
Well shit. Not really enough time for a long chat with Tali, since I'm gonna need to pick everybody's brains for any useful info and/or ideas about how we're gonna do this one. "Nice job, Joker. Do me a favor, tell the ground team to meet me in the comm room for a briefing in fifteen minutes. I wanna get everybody's thoughts on the matter before we go knocking around any Saren-controlled planets." Shepard continued walking towards the elevator. If Saren's there, it's practically a guarantee that he'll have a shitton of geth there too. Looks like it'll be me, Tali, and Garrus going planetside, again. The dream team is back together, baby! The death to geth band is returning for what may be a single engagement, killing Saren on Virmire! Oh Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me? Spending time with Tali is starting to make me a little too happy. Oh well; it's not like I'm gonna stop anytime soon.
"Alright everybody, so here's what we know about Virmire." Shepard started the briefing. "We know there's a salarian infiltration group planetside somewhere, but we're not exactly sure where. There are anti-air cannons preventing the Normandy from getting close enough for a visual inspection. And there's this big-ass manufacturing plant or facility sitting on the western sea, which I'm guessing is where we need to go."
"Why do you believe that to be the case, Commander?" Liara asked.
"Because if I'm Saren, and I'm doing something important enough to warrant an STG or Spectre investigation, I'm gonna want a defensible position. That facility right there sits on a cliff over the ocean, making an attack by land impossible, and the anti-air cannons can keep both the seas and the skies clear. On the landward side, there's a system of natural canyons that only have a few exits, making them easy to patrol. Plus, there's a pretty decent stretch of open sand between the facility and the canyon, making it a veritable killing ground for any incoming bad guys. So if I were an evil overlord, I'd set up camp there."
"The Commander's right." Garrus spoke up. "If Saren's on this planet, he'll be there."
"That's all well and good, but what are we gonna do about it?" Ashley asked.
"Right now, the plan is to have Joker drop a team as close to the facility as we can get without the Normandy being blasted outta the sky. That team will make their way towards the facility, deactivating the AA guns as we go. We'll try to find the salarians on foot, and if we can't, we'll have Joker do a sweep. I'd like to have Joker stay in geosynchronous orbit as much as possible, that way the ship stays out of trouble, and he can act as a go-between if we need the Council for something or vice versa. Any suggestions for the plan?" Shepard asked when he'd finished.
After several moments of silence, Kaidan spoke up. "Which team do you plan on taking with you, Commander?"
"Well, since anything to do with Saren tends to have a whole bunch of geth running around, I'll be needing Tali's expertise with those metal morons. So it'll be me, Tali, and Garrus dropping in the Mako. But I want everybody else to be in full gear, and ready for a helljump if I need you."
"Umm, Commander?" Liara raised her hand.
"Yeah Liara?" Shepard responded.
"Please pardon my ignorance, but what is a 'helljump?'" She said a slightly chagrined look on her face.
"Oh, my bad. I forgot you were an archaeologist, since you sure as hell don't fight like one!" Shepard said, trying to cheer her up a little. "But to answer your question, helljumping is a method of fast insertion that is usually used to drop troops behind enemy lines. The 'hell' in the name stands for 'high entry, loud landing.' Actually, you bring up a good point. Raise your hand if you've helljumped before."
Wrex, Ashley, and Garrus raised their hands. Shepard looked at Garrus and grinned. "Since you'll be in the Mako, Garrus, you don't have to worry about it." He was quiet for a moment, before he looked at Wrex, Ashley, Kaidan, and Liara again. "Okay, for this trip we're gonna mix up the teams a little bit. Since Wrex and Ashley know how to helljump, they'll be my back-up assault team. If I call you in, hit hard and fast. Kaidan, Liara, you'll be running primarily support for this mission. If we step in it, I want you to concentrate on crowd control, and if possible, extending your barriers to cover Ashley and Wrex. Can you all do that?"
Everyone nodded. "Alrighty then. If everybody's got their assignments, and no questions, you're dismissed." Shepard let them all go, and then followed them out.