Music Choice: Arthur and Gwen Theme by Rob Lane and Rohan Stevenson - i know i know, this is an Arwen song. It should be Mergana's though. hehe
CHAPTER 9 - The Unsaid Nothings
"Do you have somewhere to be Merlin?" Arthur asks a hurried Merlin.
Three riders have just arrived back to Camelot. Merlin got stuck babysitting Arthur and Elena when Morgana rode off. He desperately wanted to ride after Morgana but he really had no choice as Arthur insisted that he accompany them. He made up some excuse about being left alone with a princess; that it would not look proper.
"No, uhh . . . I just wanted to get some of the chores done that I didn't get to do since you took your sweet time," Merlin responds and immediately leaves without another word.
He runs up the stairs of the Camelot castle and begins heading to Morgana's chambers. In his mind, he is already playing out the words that he wants to say to her. He is going to explain what his intent was that night; explain that he didn't mean to hurt her, that he just wanted to protect her from committing a heavy sin; explain that he does miss her; explain that he can't lose her; explain that she means more to him than she could imagine.
His heart is heavy. He won't be able to forgive himself if his past action pushes her away from good again. He's done it before, and he promised he won't do it again.
He approaches the last corner before the hallway to her chambers. He makes the turn and he is immediately stopped by a vigilant Sir Leon. His hand stops Merlin's body with a thud.
"Merlin!"
"Ouch . . . Sir Leon . . . good! I just wanted to talk to Morgana, is she in her chambers?" Merlin asks while proceeding to knock on Morgana's door. Knock Knock Knock. "Morgana? Are you there? We need to talk."
"I'm sorry Merlin," Sir Leon interrupts him with his hand on his shoulder. "I'm afraid Morgana wants to be left alone at the moment."
"Oh don't worry Sir Leon, she is expecting me," Merlin continues to knock on the door. "It's okay Morgana. It's just me, Merlin."
"Ehh . . . well, I'm sorry mate," Sir Leon tries his hardest to make a straight face. "She's actually requested specifically to not let you bother her."
"Oh don't be silly Sir Leon, she clearly doesn't mean that," he continues to knock. "Morgana! Morgana!"
"Merlin, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," Sir Leon states in a commanding voice. He doesn't enjoy doing this to Merlin, he has always been good and kind to him, but his loyalty for Morgana is unquestionable. Sir Leon has always had a soft spot for the Lady Morgana, and if she asks him anything, he makes sure that he fulfills her requests to the best of his ability.
"Come on Merlin, let's go," Sir Leon reluctantly grabs Merlin and has to drag him away from the door.
"Wait . . . Wait," Merlin addresses Leon, but seeing that resistance is futile with Leon's strong arms around him, he screams at the door that separates him to Morgana. "Morgana! Morgana! . . . I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry . . . I . . . miss . . . you!"
Sir Leon's eyebrow rises at his last words. It seems as if it struck a chord in him that his handling of Merlin became more . . . unfriendly. He pushes Merlin down the hallway, "Merlin, this is for you own good. Morgana doesn't want to see you right now. I won't ask you again."
Merlin looks defeated, but he won't be able to live with himself if he repeats the past mistakes he's committed. He decides to tell her the truth. He reaches out to her the best way he knows how, he uses his magic to send her the words he feels she needs to know about him.
"~ . . . Morgana . . . I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted to protect you. . . I can't lose you again . . .you know . . . what Arthur said was true . . . and I think you should know . . . it's always been true . . . even 'til this day. . .~"
With those last words, Sir Leon forcefully leads Merlin out of range for any telepathic exchanges. He never even heard one word from her. She didn't yell back at him nor did she even use her newly found skill to tell him off. He was met with silence. This breaks his heart, and he has resigned to give her space . . . for now. But he will not stop trying.
One thing Merlin didn't expect though is that behind her well-guarded door, she has been listening and even has to restrain herself from responding to him. But the tugging of her heart from his last words compels her to speak. Tears are still trickling down as she lies under the protection of her blankets; hugging a pillow as if hoping it hugs her back. She uses her magic, the common bond between them, and uses the skill that he has taught her earlier to reach out to him.
"~ . . . I know Merlin . . . I think I've always known . . . ~" Unfortunately, her words never reach him.
And once again, the Warlock and the Witch are victims of the consequences of words left unsaid.
###
"She's still not here . . . where is she?"
Merlin looks at the empty seat that Morgana usually occupies at every feast as he pours wine into Lord Godwyn's cup. He watches Arthur lead Elena to her seat as he approaches Gwen who is also busy serving other guests.
"Hey Gwen . . . why isn't Morgana here?"
"She will be," she answers without looking up from serving wine. "I helped her get ready earlier."
"Then why is she late?"
Gwen finishes pouring and pulls Merlin aside to speak to him privately, "Merlin . . . what happened between you two? Before she left for the ride she was excited to see you. But after she came back, she had Leon make sure that you don't go anywhere near her."
Genuine worry is visible in Gwen. Merlin can see that Gwen also cares about his relationship with Morgana. This is one of the qualities why Merlin treasures Gwen's friendship, and he knows that she is someone he can trust.
"Gwen . . . I've done something in the past against her that I regret deeply. It was something that I did not mean to do. I've hurt her so much. I just want her to know that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to harm her," Merlin moves his head from looking down to the floor to meet Gwen's eyes. "And also . . . I think you might already know . . . or might have a feeling . . . about how I feel about her . . . it's just, I know it can never be . . . but I can't lose her as a friend."
Merlin's confession hit Gwen to her core. His words feel eerily familiar to her, familiar to the recent emotions that she has been feeling. She knows how much it hurts, the pain that it entails. She looks at one of her best friends in front of her, experiencing probably a similar hurt, and she reaches her arm to pat him on the shoulder.
"Merlin, don't worry. I will try my best to get Morgana to at least speak with you."
"But Leon? He won't leave her side."
"Don't worry, me and Sir Leon are close. I can talk to him," Gwen answers with confidence.
"Thanks Gwen."
The door of the main hall open to declare the arrival of the feast's new attendees. Merlin's eyes are drawn to the door and they glare at the gleaming figure that materialize before him. Her long raven hair draped over the ivory dress that accentuates the beautiful figure of her body. Her pale skin is contrasted by the pure redness of her lips, even from afar, they look delicate and smooth.
Next to her, Sir Leon stands imposingly as he leads her by her hand to the head of the table. They skillfully avoid Merlin as he stands motionless next to a smiling Gwen. She looks at Merlin's reaction and fights a small giggle, "You will get to talk to her. I am sure of it." Without another word, Gwen follows Morgana to her seat and asks her if she wants wine.
Merlin is still unmoving, staring at Morgana, in awe of her beauty. She is avoiding Merlin, not even looking anywhere near his direction, except when Merlin decides to call to her mind.
"~Morgana . . . Morgana?~"
She looks momentarily at him then looks away.
"~Morgana . . . come on. How long are you going to ignore me?~"
Still nothing.
"~Morgana . . . it was an accident. I never meant to hurt you. It actually hurt me more than it hurt you.~"
Still nothing. . .
"~Morgana? . . . fine then! If you will continue to ignore me . . . then I will just keep talking to you.~"
Still nothing . . . as Morgana lifts her cup to take a sip. . .
"~Morgana . . . I . . . did anyone tell you how beautiful you look today?~"
Now something . . . as Morgana drops her cup and spills a little on the table. Leon is quick to help her.
"~So . . . I guess you are listening after all.~" Merlin is now smiling as he clears a plate but continues to keep his eyes on her.
Now nothing . . . as she aggressively tries to wipe some of the spilt liquid off of her dress.
"~Oh Morgana . . . did I ever tell you how adorable you look when you're angry?~"
Now something . . . as she visibly shows her emotions on her face, prompting Sir Leon to ask her if he did something wrong.
"~Morgana . . . I . . . I miss you.~"
Now everything . . . as she finally looks up directly at Merlin.
"~Merlin, outside. Now!~"
She stands up and Leon moves to accompany her, but she signals him away.
"But my lady," Leon protests.
"I'm okay Sir Leon."
Gwen interrupts and grabs Leon. She is all that is needed to convince Leon to leave her.
Morgana stomps out of her chair, right past Merlin and outside the great hall. Luckily, everyone at the feast are preoccupied and do not even notice Morgana's exit . . . as well as Merlin sneaking out.
When Merlin arrives outside the hall and closes the door behind him, a heavy hand hits him with a slap to the face.
"How dare you say those things to me? First you try to kill me . . . a second time. Then you come around telling me all these words, these lies?" Morgana is fuming but is unable to hide the tears that are building.
"Morgana, I was wrong again. I should've just talked to you first. But I took action without telling you. I only meant to stop you, to disable you. But not to hurt you."
"You almost killed me!"
"It was a mistake. I didn't want to hurt you, and especially kill you. If I wanted you dead, then I could've let you die. But I didn't . . ."
"Well . . . you probably healed me because of others. It was most likely not your decision."
"Morgana . . . that's not true," he looks up to the ceiling momentarily to find the words. "I healed you of my own accord. I . . . did it because . . . because . . ."
"You did it because of what?" Morgana asks impatiently.
"Because . . . because . . . weren't you listening in your room earlier?"
Morgana simply looks at him with crossed arms, prompting him to say out loud what he thought to her earlier.
"What Arthur said was true," he finally lets it out. "What he warned you about me before is true."
Morgana lifts her brow in question, "Arthur warns me of you about a lot of things . . . I don't really know what you're referring to."
Merlin hesitates to speak, but what he has found in his time in Camelot is that he has caused more hurt and pain with keeping secrets. This time, he decides not to hurt Morgana any longer, "What he said about my feelings for you. However inappropriate it may be. For someone of my status. Those words I have been saying. They're all true. I do find you beautiful. I do find you adorable. Morgana . . . I AM fond of you."
Morgana's eyes open wide at his confession, but her expression quickly settles into a big smile. ". . .Merlin, I . . ."
Merlin quickly shushes her with his finger, "Let me finish."
He moves close to her, they are now face to face. Merlin looks at her hands as he holds them into his. He lifts his gaze to meet those beautiful green eyes that he has come to love.
"Morgana . . . whenever I see you, my eyes are blinded; whenever I hear your voice I can't hear anything else; whenever I smell your scent I can't concentrate; whenever I feel you close to me I lose all my senses; whenever I think about you, I lose my mind."
". . .Merlin," Morgana's tears stream down her cheeks.
"Morgana . . . if there's anyone more guilty of taking a life . . . it's you. Because whenever you kissed me, you made my heart stop."
Merlin's arms let go of her hands as they wrap around her to pull her close. She obliges as she moves her arms to wrap around his neck, causing goosebumps on the back of his neck.
He looks at her eyes and then down to her lips. They are only mere inches apart. Close to crossing the line. Close to changing their friendship to something else.
Both of them close their eyes as they move their lips close to touch.
Unfortunately, the doors to the great hall open wildly, causing them to separate quickly. Sir Leon emerges with a worried Gwen behind him. She gives Merlin a look as if saying 'sorry.'
"My lady, are you okay? You are crying. . ." Leon moves to Morgana.
"I am perfectly fine Sir Leon," she says now smiling.
"Come my lady. The king has asked for your presence," he leads Morgana into the great hall after she wipes the remnants of tears around her face. She looks back momentarily at Merlin before she disappears into the hall.
"I'm so sorry Merlin, did we interrupt anything?" Gwen asks sorrowfully.
"It's okay Gwen . . . I'm sure we can pick up where we left off," Merlin displays a joyful smile.
"Did you get to tell her everything you wanted to tell her?"
"Almost . . ." he lets out a relieved sigh. "But at least I didn't leave out any words unsaid."
Merlin disappears into the hall leaving Gwen to think outside, pondering the meaning of Merlin's words.
Finally, Merlin has found that the rewards of saying the words far outweigh that of keeping words unsaid.
. . .
HUWWAA?! Morleon?! hehe, of course not! this is Mergana all the way :D
sorry I got super cheesy on you guys. But hey, it's all Merlin's fault for not telling Morgana he loved her in canon!
muwahahah.
Let me know if you like where this is going.
It's kind of funny that I'm already on Chapter 9 and I still haven't really touched on why this fic is called "Let Me Be The One" hehe.
I guess you will all find out soon enough. *evil smirk