Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Lyrics belong to:

Amy Says – Flyleaf

Bring me back – Crashcarburn

Imperfection - Skillet

Red Sam – Flyleaf

Broken – 12 Stones

I'd like to thank the two beta's who rewrote en corrected my errors in this chapter: angelnlove52 and Browneyedgirl825!Thank you guys for taking the time to rewrite this for me. I appreciate it and could not have done this without you.

OoOoOo

I cannot get to sleep, this room it spins with the walls on fire

I'm burning up with secrets but I can't get them out, so the flames grow higher

This fear is my new best friend

(Bring me Back – CrashCarBurn)

Chapter Three – What have I done?

BPOV

"Bells, is that you?" Rose, my roommate, yells when I slam the front door. I roll my eyes. Who else would it be? I thought to myself.

I met Rose ten years ago when I first moved back to Forks. She worked at the diner before I started working there as well. We clicked instantly and became best friends.

"Yah," I yelled back, throwing my keys on the table in the hallway. I leaned on the table for a moment, sighing loudly, desperately trying to get a hold on my emotions before I go into the kitchen where I know Rose was waiting for some answers.

Seeing Edward tonight was more than excruciating. When I walked away from him ten years ago, I never expected to see him again. Ever! I promised myself I would never go back to him and I tried to bury him and the love I had for him. Even though it was impossible, I tried my damn hardest. And there was a time I thought I succeeded…until tonight, when I saw him again.

My heart hasn't beat that fast in ten years….

"Hey," I said, my voice sounded raw and I quickly cleared my throat. Her head shot up and looked straight into my eyes as if she knew I was trying to hide my real feelings. Her eyes were filled with worry, and tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I have caused numerous sleepless nights to this friend and now I've caused her to worry all over again.

"Oh, sweetie." she pouted, rushing to my side and pulling me into her arms. The sob I've kept in since I saw him came out loudly and my arms wrapped around my best friend, clinging for dear life. I clenched her shirt in my fists before my knees buckled and gave in. We fell to the floor but Rose never let go, she rocked me gently, rubbing my back soothingly and whispered soothing words into my ear.

"I…I…can't b-b-believe-"

"Shh, don't think about it now," she cooed.

I tried everything to get his images out of my head but to no avail. I kept seeing his cold eyes and how much hatred reflected in them.

"I know you are hurting, Bells," she whispered softly, "but, I'm pretty sure you don't want Tris or Abs to see you like this."

I blew out a long breath, raising my head slowly. She smiled reassuringly at me.

"You're right," I smiled weakly.

She helped me up and wiped the black tear stains from my cheeks.

"Let's get some alcohol into that depressed system of yours," she suggested.

"I want to say goodnight to my babies before we poison my system." I smile sadly.

"Abbey was crying when I got here," she said quickly.

"Why?" I asked anxiously.

Rose raised her shoulders, "Don't know, she wouldn't tell me," she answered.

I frowned. That was weird. Abbey adored Rosalie and usually told her everything.

"I'll go check on her," I said before I left the kitchen.

I went to my room where I found my daughter on my bed, curled into a fetus position. When I walked through the door, she immediately lifted her head and I could see the trails of tears on her rosy cheeks. My heart constricted when I saw the sadness in her brown eyes.

"Hey, baby," I whispered as I took a seat on the edge of the bed. She sniffled a little before she crawled onto my lap, almost choking me with her arms from holding on too tightly. My arms went around my daughter and I hugged her tightly.

"What happened, baby?" I asked.

"Alec said that I'm a freak," my daughter cried into my chest.

Alec was supposed to be Abbey's best friend, but he was constantly teasing her and calling her bad names. As much as I'd like to slap him around a little, I had to remember that he was just a little boy and I had to be a grown-up about this – could've been so much easier if I could have been a five year old, though! He just made me so mad.

"Why did he call you a freak?" I asked carefully, rubbing her back soothingly.

"I'm a freak because I don't have a daddy," she rumbled the words out through sobs. My eyes narrowed and my blood boiled from fury. I was so relieved that she was hiding her face in my chest and couldn't see my face….

That little shit! He did not know what the fuck he was talking about and what he had done. Kids could be so mean and they could permanently scar their friends without even knowing it.

I have managed to keep the daddy-conversation away from Abbey for five years now. I really wished that I could have stretched it out some more because this was a conversation I didn't want to have…ever. As far as I was concerned, her father was dead.

"Mommy," my daughter's voice trembled and was filled with uncertainty. I pushed the anger aside before I loosened my arms around her and gently lifted her head with my hands.

"Abs, you're not a freak." I smiled, kissing the top of her head.

"Why don't I have a daddy then?" she asked the question I've feared for five years. I hated the fact that I was going to lie to her now, but I didn't have a choice. Besides, I would rather die a thousand deaths, than to tell her about her father.

"He…urm…he had an accident before you were born, baby," I said, watching her carefully.

Like I said, there was no way in hell I would ever let him near my daughter and therefore it was so much easier to just tell her that he died as to make up some story about his whereabouts.

Abbey was the spitting image of myself – thank goodness – except for her long, silky black hair and slightly russet skin-tone.

"So, is he in heaven?" she asked so innocently, biting on her bottom lip – something she inherited from me. Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my vision of my daughter, as her big brown eyes filled with tears over a man she never even knew.

"Yes, baby." I closed my eyes at the lie I've told, because I didn't believe for one second that that piece of shit would ever make it to the gates of heaven. I actually believed he deserved to fry in the blazing pits of hell someday.

Abbey raised her hands and cupped my face, smiling widely.

"Please don't cry, Mommy." She gave me a wet kiss. "We'll see him again one day." She smiled widely. "You're the bestest mommy in the world," she pouted. I chuckled at 'bestest' and pulled her into a hug again, feeling so proud to have such an amazing daughter.

"I see you laughing at the rain that hits your face
With your arms stretched open soaking in the love
In a world I find so hard you find so beautiful
There's a hope in you deep inside for me."

For a moment, I felt like such a fucking bad person for lying to her about her father but then I remembered what that man did to me and I kicked the guilt to the curb. I didn't have anything to feel guilty about because Abbey would never know about him and how she was conceived. I'd tell this lie until the day I died.

"I love you so much, baby," I whispered against her black curls, inhaling the sweet strawberry scent of her shampoo – the same as mine.

"Love you too, Mommy," she whispered, yawning loudly. I smiled down at her beautiful face and wrapped my arms tightly around her as the rush of memories flooded my brain.

I met Sam Uley seven years ago while I was working at a diner. He was a tall, dark man with dark– almost black - eyes and black hair. He was so charming and funny that I trusted him instantly.

He offered me a position as his personal assistant and, of course, I jumped at the opportunity. The pay was extremely generous and for once – since my son was born – I could maybe give him a better life. Plus, I really wanted to get my degree in English Lit. and become a book-editor.

I worked for Sam for about a year – constantly refusing to go on dates with him. I tried to let him down gently but he refused to accept that I didn't feel the same way.

I felt my daughter's body relax in my arms and I knew she was asleep. I planted a kiss on her head and put her in my bed. She curled up and placed her hands underneath her head. I glanced over at Abbey, curled up on my bed sleeping blissfully, before I turned to leave my room.

As I made my way to my son's room, I thought about this entire situation with Edward Cullen. I didn't know how I was going to tell him about Tristan. I was scared shitless about his reaction and I was scared out of my mind that he'd try to take Tristan away from me.

My decision to leave Edward has caused me so much pain and I remember how I cried for weeks on end. It felt as if my life was about to end and my will to live was nowhere to be found.

Until six weeks later; I sat on the toilet in Charlie's house with a stick in my hand, nervously waiting for the results. I remember crying from both, happiness and sadness, at the same time.

Sadness because I've never been more regretful for walking away from Edward. Suddenly, I needed him. I needed his reassurance that everything was going to be fine and that he loved me. I cried because I knew he couldn't give me his love or reassurance because he didn't even know what the hell he wanted in life and because his band was far more important to him than me or our love.

I cried from joy because I was going to have something of Edward. I was given back my will to live because now I had a reason to get up in the mornings and maybe eat something. I had a reason not to cry so much anymore. I had a reason to actually smile.

My heart screamed for me to go back to Edward but my head simply said 'no'. He didn't want me and he said he wasn't sure if he even wanted children. This made my decision to not tell him about the pregnancy so much easier. I refused to be second best and I refused to be in someone's life just because I was pregnant.

Plus, I did not want my child to grow up with flashing camera lights thrown in his face everywhere we went or to be on every magazine cover on a weekly basis. That was not a life I wanted for me or my baby.

I knocked on his door before I entered. He looked up from his bed where he was sitting and smiled crookedly when our eyes met. My heart constricted; he was the spitting image of his father and now that I've seen Edward again, it was even clearer. He had the same shades – just a tad darker - of bronze tousled hair, those deep emerald green eyes that have the power to look straight through you, the strong jawline and even the crooked smile I used to love so much. There was so much of Edward in Tristan and it had been hard because there were times I've missed Edward so much and seeing Tristan brought so many memories back.

"Have you been crying?" he asked with a frown plastered on his beautiful face.

I swallowed.

Tristan knew me so well and it was getting harder with him getting older. Plus, Tristan worried so easily and I've never been able to hide anything from him as he always picked up on my every emotion.

"Oh, it's nothing." I shrugged.

He frowned, concern clearly etched on his face.

"Why are you home so early?" he asked suspiciously, trying to figure out what was going on with me. I took a seat on his bed and took his hand in mine.

"I wasn't feeling good, so Quil sent me home," I lied. Again with the lies, it was starting to become a bad habit.

Quil was my manager and also a good friend.

Rose and I started working at Twilight about four years ago. Usually we worked different shifts so one of us would always be at home with my children, but tonight was a busy night at Twilight and Quil had to ask the both of us to work.

I didn't know what he was going to do over the fact that not only have I left without a word, but Rose followed me home.

Tristan's voice halted my thoughts which were rapidly getting out of control – one moment everything was about Edward, then it was about Sam, and then I was worried about my job.

Concern was etched on his face and I tried to smile reassuringly.

"How was school?" I asked, changing the subject while raking my fingers through his tousled hair. It was one of my favorite things to do with my son.

"Cool! Embry asked if I can have a sleepover some time," he sounded hopeful.

"I'll give his mom a call and we'll see from there." I smiled, happy that I managed to take his focus off of me and why I seemed so sad.

He jumped off the bed and almost bumped me over. I laughed as he jumped up and down in front of me, "Really? Can I really go?"

"Hold up there big guy," I tried to still him with my hands, "I said I'll give his mom a call before I decide, okay, baby."

"Aah, mom." He scrunched up his face, clasping his hands over his face.

"What?"

"Please don't call me 'baby'," he groaned. My mouth fell open and my eyes widened, "I'm not a baby anymore," he added, climbing back onto his bed.

"I'm sorry," I gasped, "what would you prefer to be called then?"

"Tris will be just fine," he grinned.

"Fine," I groaned, "but you'll always be my 'baby," I emphasized the word.

He rolled his eyes but I noticed the smile that formed on his lips.

"As long as you call me 'baby." He rolled his green eyes and scrunched up his nose before he added, "in the privacy of my room when no one is around." He pointed his finger at me.

"Pfft, boy." I shrugged. "Don't push your luck!"

I helped him get under his sheets, which struck me as odd, because I was not allowed to call him 'baby' but I was still allowed to tuck him in. I'd rather keep that to myself because I loved to tuck him in and since he started complaining about the baby-calling, he'd soon start to complain about getting tucked in.

"Hey, mom," he said slowly, yet carefully, looking down while playing with his quilt.

"Mmm?" I answered, watching my son carefully.

"I overheard you talking to Abs," his voice disappeared.

I gasped, knowing where this conversation was headed.

"Is Abbey's dad really dead?" he asked with a guilty look on his face.

"Yes, baby," I lied once again. "Why do you ask?"

"Why couldn't you have told me that my dad was dead, too? Why did you lie and told me that he lived far away, giving me hope in seeing him someday?" he asked, his chin wobbled as he did.

"Baby, no." I hauled him out from under his sheets and held him tightly to my chest. "I told you the truth, Tris. Your dad does live far away." My voice felt thick with emotion as I felt his little body shake.

"So why hasn't he ever come to see me?" His voice trembled.

"It's complicated, Tristan." I swallowed hard before I cupped his wet cheeks between my hands. "He doesn't know about you." I decided to tell him the truth – or just a part of the truth.

"Why not?"

I sighed. "Because I never told him I was having a baby after I moved to Grandpa Charlie-"

He pushed out of my arms and I moved to touch his face again, but he shifted away from my hand. Guilt consumed me. I lied to him by omission and now he had to make sense of a situation that he was simply not equipped to understand. I should have been honest with him from the very start….

Desperately trying to keep my emotions in check, my voice was thick when I spoke. "Tris, I made a lot of decisions in the past that I regret now, but I thought I was doing the right thing. It's very difficult to explain to you, but you have to understand, I didn't do it to hurt you."

He slipped from my lap and crawled back under his sheets without looking at me.

"I want to go to sleep now," he said sadly, rolling on to his side. My heart constricted in pain as I glanced over my son's curled up body.

"Tristan." I swallowed. "Please talk to me." I held back the tears that were about to escape my eyes.

"Mom, please." His voice trembled, and I could tell that he had a hard time speaking. "Give me a few minutes."

I sighed.

"Okay." I agreed with a heavy heart.

I didn't like the fact my son refused to talk to me at that moment, but I also knew I had to give him some time. I have only myself to blame for this entire situation because the more I thought about it, the guiltier I felt for keeping Edward and his son away from each other. Not so much for Edward's sake but for my son's. He deserved to have his father in his life….

"Love you, Tris," I whispered hurtfully as I kissed the top of his head gently, inhaling his distinctive scent.

"Love you too, Mom," he said. He sounded extremely sad and I couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer. I slipped off his bed and nearly ran out of his room, barely making it to the living room before I break down.

"You mean so much
that heaven would touch
the face of humankind for you
how special you are
Revel in your day
you're fearfully and wonderfully made"

Rose was at my side instantly as my body convulsed from the force of my sobs. Eventually they became so loud I had to clamp my arm across my mouth in an effort to stifle the noise, so I wouldn't wake my children.

So many emotions were coursing through me: sadness that I made my son think his father was dead this entire time, guilt that I've ignored the honest daddy-conversation because of my own fears and pain, and regret that I've kept him away from his father. I've been selfish and cruel and I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive myself.

"What happened in there?" Rose asked softly.

I explained to her about my conversation with Abbey and sobbed again. Love filled my friend's eyes before she wiped the tears from my cheeks.

"Bells," she whispered. "It's not like you have a choice here. I mean, I don't think Abbey deserves to know a bastard like that. Besides, how do you tell your child that she was conceived after her father drugged you, beat the shit out of you, and then took advantage of you?" she hissed.

I could tell that she had a hard time using the word, 'advantage', because that was a fucking understatement as to what he really did.

My mind went on a journey of its own, and I found myself swamped by memories I had long suppressed.

After the hundredth time Sam asked me out...I agreed. We had dinner at his house but I never even made it to the dinner-part because I felt weird after my first glass of wine. I remember asking him for a glass of water and after the glass of water, everything went black and to this day, I can't remember what happened!

Sometimes, I get flashes of things that happened but can't put everything together.

I swallowed hard because one of the vivid memories was of his breath and sweat and how it burned my nostrils. I shivered, hugging my torso with my arms.

I woke up in Sam's bed the next morning and immediately knew something was wrong. I felt like shit. My head felt heavy, as if I had a lot to drink, my mouth tasted like shit and everything about the previous night was a blur. I also felt confused and uncoordinated.

Plus, the fact I had bruises all over my body wasn't helping me get rid of any suspicions.

Sam started telling me about our wonderful night together and that he was so thrilled to learn that we shared the same sex-fantasies. Apparently, I told him I liked to be dominated...and coincidently he was into that lifestyle. By the looks of my body, I would say he was a sick fuck.

I remember that I acted like everything was fine, but as soon as I left his house, I went to the hospital.

After I explained to the doctor how I felt and what happened he looked alarmed. Tests were done and they confirmed that I was drugged with Rohypnol also referred to as 'roofies'. The doctor also confirmed I had had sexual intercourse in the last 24 hours.

I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was raped – because there was no way in hell I would have had sex with him willingly, not even if he drugged me - and I couldn't remember a damn thing that fucker did to me.

I remember just walking out of the hospital, not listening to a word the doctor yelled. I never thought about the possibility of being pregnant….

"Here I stand
Empty hands
wishing my wrists were bleeding
to stop the pain from the beatings"

Maybe it was a blessing that I couldn't remember, but sometimes it haunted the shit out of me!

Six weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant after I puked my brains out one morning. This time – unlike the time I found out I was pregnant with Tristan - the news devastated me and I cried for days. This time, my pregnancy didn't save me, it fucked me up even more.

I had a life growing inside of me; a life created in the most brutal way, a life that had half that monsters blood. A life I didn't want - at the time.

For a moment, I considered an abortion. But, just the thought made me nauseous, because I was no murderer. So, after some heavy thinking, I decided to give it up for an adoption because – at that moment – I wanted nothing to do with the baby inside my belly.

Tears sprung to my eyes just thinking about how I hated carrying my daughter inside of me for the first few weeks. I'd always feel like a failure because I didn't want her in the beginning. I quickly wiped the rolling tears from my cheeks.

I was about sixteen weeks pregnant with Abbey when she kicked for the first time. Tristan was lying next to me as I was reading him a story. The next moment she kicked and Tristan's head shot up, asking me what that was.

The feelings that went through me were indescribable. My heart filled with so much love for my daughter that I started crying uncontrollably and told Tristan that it was his baby brother or sister growing inside me.

Tristan was four at the time and couldn't understand how a person could grow inside my stomach and wondered how he or she got there in the first place, but he did feel his sister's movement and he was so proud for being there when she kicked for the first time.

I cried for thinking about giving her up. I cried for hating her in the beginning. I cried because of what that fucker did to me but couldn't even hate him at that moment. I hate him now, though.

Five months later, my beautiful baby-girl was born and I couldn't even begin to describe the amount of love I had for her.

I remember when she was born, she had a head full of pitch black hair and the russet skin-tone was just a vague reminder that her father was Native American.

When I held her for the first time, though, I couldn't see one thing that resembled Sam and I cried, thanking God for that.

And if I thought getting over Edward was impossible and so very hard, I had no idea what laid ahead for me after Abbey's birth – even before her birth. Living in this world as a rape-victim with no memory of the crime, was so fucking hard.

Sleep wasn't an option and having a new born baby, I needed as much sleep as I could get, but I couldn't close my eyes for a second because I started having vivid flashbacks of what happened to me. The doctor said it was highly unlikely that I would ever get my memory back from that night as the drug caused anterograde amnesia but he never said that it was impossible.

I would wake with a scream after feeling him on top of me or smelling his breath and sweat. And that memory would play over and over in my mind….

A shiver ran through my body.

"Bells." Rose's voice brought me out of my thoughts. I looked at her wide-eyed.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine." I shook my head again. "Just thought about everything I went through."

"I have never been prouder of you than right now and I think you are a wonderful mom," she said to comfort me. I bit down on my bottom lip, tears starting to well up again.

"Yeah?" I asked cynically. "I'm such a good fucking mother that I told my son two years ago about his father and how he lived far away, and how I was so convincing my son believed I lied to him and his father didn't live far away but was actually dead," I fused, gripping my hair between my fingers. "Rose, by being so vague about Edward, Tristan believed he was dead. He believed I lied to him about Edward living far away," I said through sobs.

"Bells." She placed her hand over my arm. "You are a wonderful mother."

"Please," I groaned.

"You are," she argued. "What did you tell Tristan tonight?"

"Part of the truth; that I never told Edward about him and that's why he never came to visit." I sighed.

"You know that you can't keep this from Edward anymore?" she brought up the touchy subject.

"I'm meeting him on Sunday. I'll tell him everything."

"How are you feeling about that?" She didn't look into my eyes and I had a feeling that something was up with her, as if she was hiding something from me.

"Scared out of my fucking mind, Rose." I covered my eyes with my hand.

"That was some surprise."

"That's a bit of an understatement." I laughed dryly, "I never expected to see him again…ever! And it feels like my life is about to fall apart!" I frowned.

Edward Cullen was the last person I expected to see tonight. He lived on the other side of the country for crying out loud. I ran my fingers through my hair, chewing the inside of my mouth.

"You'll be fine." she smiled. "I've seen how you fought your way back from the worst times in your life, standing tall again, and I know you're going to get through this as well," she encouraged.

"This is different because Edward is going to be so pissed."

"At first." She took a sip of her wine. "But he'll come around once he meets Tristan."

"What if he takes him away from me?" I spoke my biggest fear out loud.

"Honey, there's no way in hell that Tristan would be able to live without you and I'm pretty sure that he'll tell Edward that," she assured me, "and if there's any decency in Edward, he'll respect his son's wishes and he'll put his son's happiness first."

I had no idea what kind of man Edward Cullen was today but ten years ago, he was sweet, compassionate, understanding, and loving. And the Edward of ten years ago wouldn't take my son away from me.

One thing I was sure off, was that he truly loved me, even though I fought against the thought, I knew deep down that he loved me. I pushed him into a corner about the marriage stuff and he couldn't handle it…which pissed me off because I thought he was a fucking coward and I felt so rejected.

"I hope you're right." My voice trembled with fear.

"I am," she smiled. "Where have you been?" she asked. "I mean, I left Twilight directly after you but when I got home, you weren't here," she handed me another glass of wine, "Quil is beyond pissed at us but I told him where he can shove his job if he had a problem." She snorted. "He wouldn't dare, though, we're the best damn barlady's at that club."

"I went to Seth's," I explained.

Next to Rose, Seth was my best friend. We've met at Twilight where I've been working the night shifts for almost four years now. "Quil will understand," I added.

"I thought you would have gone to Jake," she said.

I shook my head. "He would ask too many questions."

Jacob Black had been my friend since we were little kids but he lived on the reservation down in La Push, so we never really saw each other frequently.

When I moved back to Forks, we continued our friendship and became very close. I knew the kind of feelings he had for me, but at that time I was too heartbroken and couldn't give him the time of day. He knew everything about Edward and helped me through a lot...but that hole inside my chest still remained. No one would ever be able to fill that emptiness!

Jake wasn't going to wait forever though and asked me last year to marry him. I said 'yes' because I couldn't hurt him that way and I did love him, even though he would never be Edward.

"Rose, you're still okay with taking care of Tris and Abs tomorrow night?" I remembered.

"Yup," she popped the 'p' and then a huge grin spread across her face. "Izzy is a trendy topic, hey?" she winked.

I sighed. "Don't remind me."

"Remind me again why you're doing this?" she said, "because you don't seem happy about any of it."

"I'm worried about the touring and I'm worried that someone might figure out that I'm hiding behind Izzy…can you imagine the publicity?" I groaned, my heart running wild just at the thought of someone figuring out that Bella Swan was actually Izzy Stewart in the flesh!

As if my life wasn't screwed up enough, I had to add to my heap of shit. Becoming a famous musician….

My life reminded me off a quote from one of my daughter's favorite movies; 'Shrek' - by night one way, by day another'. Or something along those lines.

I was Izzy Stewart in secret. The new 'Goddess of Angst' or 'Goddess of Emo', I couldn't even keep up with all the names I'd been given.

Izzy was born about two months ago when I performed – for fun – at Twilight. We weren't even open and Rose and I had a little fun behind the mic, not realizing that someone was watching us. Turned out, my other best friend, Seth, heard about our fun – from the unknown source – and crapped me out for not telling him about my talent.

I never told anyone about my singing ability – not even Edward Cullen. I hated the idea of becoming famous and when we were in school, I focused more on my grades then on my voice. Plus, I knew if Edward knew I could sing, he would want me to be a part of his band and that was something I didn't want.

After giving it serious consideration, I agreed to record a song for Seth and as he promised, I got signed to a record label. My first single was a huge success and I managed to top more than a few number one songs.

The only reason I considered this was because of my children. I'm tired of not being able to support them properly. We lived in a shitty apartment where my daughter had to share a room with me. I just wanted to be able to give them what they needed and more. They deserved so much more than what they have right now.

Why am I hiding behind Izzy Stewart?

Because even though I wanted a better life for my children, I didn't want them on magazine covers and television shows. I didn't want a walk in the park to turn into hide-and-seek in the park after reporters spotted us. I wanted them to still have a normal life.

My mother used to call me Izzy and I used my mother's maiden name as Izzy's surname – Charlie was the only one who knew about that, so it was easy creating a name for my other half.

Designing her look was a bit more of a challenge because if I was going to pull this off, I had to do a damn good job of hiding my face properly because the Cullens were still out there and I couldn't afford for them to recognize me.

The only people who knew about Izzy were Rose, Seth, and my Dad. Not even Jake or my children knew about my other life.

Because my music was so emo-ish and Gothic, we decided on a very dark look; consisting of black hair and dark makeup. We changed my eyes to blue and the makeup was almost always black, where we've created some sort of mask for my face. I reminded myself of Black Veil Brides or KISS – I just didn't cover my entire face, more around my eyes.

Something I never considered, though, was that being a success meant travelling...a lot! I mean, I had to leave for LA in three weeks and I'd probably be gone for a week...I wouldn't see my children and this bothered me.

Soon, I'd be touring all around the country as my first album was being released. How would I cope without seeing my children? They were my life…the very air I breathed.

One thing I was pretty sure of, was that Izzy would die as fast as she was born because there was no way in hell I would put my children second in my life. And I'd be damned before I let my fame and fortune come between me and my children.

As for the Edward-situation, I'd deal with that on Sunday morning. I knew he was going to be pissed and I could honestly say I would understand. I've deprived him of having a relationship with his son...that was if he even wanted a relationship with him….

"All the hate deep inside
slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from you again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothing's gonna change
Until I'm whole again"

(Broken – 12 Stones)

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