Stephenie Meyer owns the characters

Lyrics in Chapter belong to:

Blood to Bleed – Rise Against

King for a day – Pierce the Veil

Saints & Sailors – Dashboard Confessional

Goodbye - CrashCarBurn

I'd like to thank the two beta's who rewrote en corrected my errors in this chapter: angelnlove52 and Browneyedgirl825!Thank you guys for taking the time to rewrite this for me. I appreciate it and could not have done this without you.

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"I don't love you anymore" is all I remember you telling me

Never have I felt so cold

But I've no more blood to bleed

'Cause my heart has been draining into the sea

(Blood To Bleed – Rise Against)

Chapter Five – No fucking way

EPOV

"Where the fuck is Emmett?" I groaned and pulled my hair in frustration. Although he wasn't in the band anymore, he was supposed to play as a guest tonight; requested by Aro.

"Ed, calm down man." Jasper slapped me on my back.

"Don't tell me what to do," I hissed. I felt very irritated and pissed off.

Ever since I saw Bella last night, I'd been a wreck and treated everyone around me like shit, especially Tanya. Plus, the fact that Bella wanted to see me tomorrow to talk was a fucking mystery to me. I've been racking my brain as to what could be on her mind but I came up with nothing.

I sighed.

Jasper retreated and I noticed how he clenched his jaw, probably fighting back some smartass comment or something.

"I'm so sick of your shit," Alice intervened.

"Shut up, Alice. I'm not in the mood for this!" I yelled.

"No, I won't shut up!" she yelled back. "You're so full of shit...your life didn't end when she left!"

I narrowed my eyes at her and bit down on my lip, causing my nostrils to flare out of anger.

"What? Can't handle the truth? Tough shit...it's been ten fucking years-"

"I know how long it's been," I interrupted her. "Fuck you, Alice."

"What a come back? A nice, big, fuck you?" she laughed hysterically. "If Bella meant so much to you, why the fuck didn't you go after her? Instead, you let her go because you're a fucking pussy, just like you were last night when you, once again, let her walk away from you," she yelled.

My eyes widened in shock at my sister's outburst. It wasn't like Alice to cuss, or to lose her temper like this.

"You don't know shit," I spat, and threw my arms in the air. "I've searched for her; I called Charlie every fucking day, and he claimed he had no idea where she was," I said.

The pain in my chest was coursing through my body, and I felt like lying down and drowning myself in alcohol, like I used to after she left. Turning to the point where I would feel absolutely nothing. Numbness would consume me and I would welcome the amazing feeling…the feeling of absolutely nothing!

"We had that major fucking tour planned right after Bella left, and I stayed with you guys until the tour was done. I went to Charlie's house directly after we made it home, remember Alice, I asked for some leave?" she nodded her head. "Well, Charlie refused to tell me where she was right before he slammed the door in my face," I sneered. I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand and sighed. "Whatever, it's none of your fucking business anyway."

I never told anyone that I went to Forks. I kept it to myself, not even Emmett knew. I had no idea why the fuck I just revealed that to both, Jasper and Alice, but the words just rolled off my tongue as if I had no control over anything I did.

"It is my damn business because you've treated me like shit ever since she left and you've pushed me out of your damn life. You have no one else to blame except yourself."

"I know it's my own damn fault she left, but she's not completely fucking innocent in all of this." I jabbed my fingers in my hair.

"You're such a fucking dumbass for letting her go, but to mope around for ten years, and treating us like shit is just downright spineless," she raged on.

Her words hurt like hell and I knew it was true. Regret always comes too late, though….

"What would you have done if it was Jasper who left you?" I whispered heart-broken. I raised my head slowly to meet my sister's eyes and I smiled sadly when her eyes widened.

"I...I...I..." she stuttered.

"I thought so." I grinned sarcastically. "Please think about how much you love Jasper and how it will kill you if he leaves you. Just try to imagine it, really imagine it, and when your heart feels like its being ripped out of your chest, you'll almost know the feeling."

"Edward, I'm–"

"I know I made a mistake by letting her go," I sighed. My heart cracked open and the amounts of blood that gushed through the tiny cracks was more than excruciating. "I want you to also picture your biggest fear in life and I want you to think how you would react if you came face to face with that same fear. What the fuck would you do if that fear were about to suffocate you?" I asked.

My biggest fear in life, ten years ago, was marriage. My mom and dad had a very bad marriage. They fought constantly where they would almost kill each other. Emmett, Alice and I were always in the middle of everything and we had to witness our parents constantly ripping each other's hearts out. That wasn't even the worst…my mom used to tell us that they never fought before they got married. According to her, they had the best relationship and once they married, everything changed.

I didn't think my mother realized that she planted a tiny seed of doubt in my heart, and them fighting was the water and fertilizer. The more they fought, the more the seed grew, until the seed was a big fucking tree. A tree filled with fear and doubt on the whole marriage thing.

When Bella set her ultimatum, I came face to face with that fear. And, at that time, I did not have the axe to bring the fucker down. I was blind and I lost the only thing that ever made sense in my life. I've lost true love because of my fear.

I didn't know why the fuck I would want to marry Tanya…maybe it was because I didn't love her and I knew I wouldn't get hurt if she left me.

I saw what it did to my dad when my mom left him. Their divorce almost killed him and I was scared shitless to have that same thing happen to me. Since I had already lost Bella, I knew exactly how my dad felt…the pain was indescribable…it was something you couldn't explain to anyone; not unless they went through the same thing.

"Edward, I never realized…"

"Just don't." I sighed heavily. "Just don't talk about things you know nothing about. You don't know what I went through, and I'm sorry if I am such a bastard…it's just that there's nothing to be happy about. So back off."

I turned away from her and Jasper, and leaned against the closest wall with both my arms stretched out. I let my head fall between my arms, closing my eyes as a rush of air left my lungs. The truth in Alice's words sunk in...I was an asshole, a complete dick!

I've treated everyone around me like shit because of Bella, because I couldn't seem to be my normal, happy self without her. I took my anger and hurt out on my family because I knew they loved me, and I wanted them to hurt like I've been hurting.

I was such a fucking coward!

Look where everything got me; my fear cost me Bella, my shitty attitude cost me my perfect relationship with my sister, I was engaged to a woman I didn't even love and I've grown into a heartless bastard.

Alice and I were so close before Bella left, now we're like acquaintances. It had caused so much tension in the band...I was pretty sure she was just sticking around because of Jasper.

"Ed," my brother's voice boomed as he came running into our private suite. My head snapped up.

"Em, what the fuck? You're late," I fumed.

"I have to talk to you," he said seriously, and I frowned.

"What happened to you?" Concern filled my heart.

"It's about Bella," he said.

"I don't want to talk about her." I threw my arms up in frustration, shaking my head sideways. "Especially not before our performance."

"What was I thinking," he mumbled, running his hands down his face.

"Em-"

"No, you're right, I should leave this for after the performance," he interrupted me. He tugged on his short, curly hair in frustration.

"It sounds important."

"Believe me, Ed, it's gonna change your life." He grinned but his eyes looked wary. He had me curious for a moment, and I wondered what the hell he knew about Bella that had him this agitated, yet, determined at the same time. I couldn't think about Bella, especially before a performance; she was dangerous territory.

"Fuck!" I pulled my hair. "Why did I have to run into her?" I blew out the breath I hadn't even noticed I was holding. "I can't sleep…I can't even get through one minute without thinking about her."

"I can imagine that it must've been hard seeing her after ten years but-"

I held the palms of my hands up to stop him mid-sentence.

"Hard…" I groaned. "Hard doesn't even begin to describe-"

"Ed." He pulled his bottom lip with his finger, "I know it seems like a bunch of bullshit right now, but I think that it was a blessing that you ran into her. Like…like it was meant to happen or something." He frowned as if his own sentence wasn't making any sense to him.

I frowned and pulled my lips into a flat line.

"You're right, it's bullshit."

"Guys, you're up next," Leah, our manager, burst into our suite.

I decided to ignore Emmett and his shit about Bella for the rest of the night…or maybe forever! I just knew that I couldn't deal with the Bella-ordeal at that moment. It was hard enough to believe I had ran into her last night, and that she wanted to meet up so we could talk tomorrow. It felt so surreal.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts; she kept me up all night, I'd be damned if I'd let her ruin this performance for me!

Scream until there's nothing left.

So sick of playing, I don't want to anymore.

The thought of you is no fucking fun.

You want a martyr? I'll be one,

Emmett punched my shoulder before he followed our sister and Jasper, who were in their own little world a minute ago, out of the suite. Leah remained in our suite and I pulled my face in annoyance. I had no strength for Leah.

"Is this another speech?" I groaned.

"No." She smiled. "I'm just worried about you…Alice told me about last night-"

"I'm fine," I rudely interrupted her, and turned my back to her. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. Damn Alice for opening her big mouth.

Leah had been our manager ever since we started our band. She knew everything about Bella, and also knew that it was a tender subject. I hate how she hovered…pissed me off. She thought she had some kind of claim on me or some shit…ever since that one dreadful night, nine years ago…

"I'm sure." She gently touched my forearm. My eyes followed her hand and stared for a moment at her hand on my arm, before I raised my head and met her eyes.

"Leah, this is not the time," I whispered as bile rose to my throat.

I probably forgot to mention that – one night while I was drunk and high – I slept with Leah. This happened a year after Bella left…did I mention that I was as high as a fucking kite? It was a big mistake…probably the biggest mistake of my entire life – next to letting Bella go!

Leah thought I wanted a relationship with her, and that we were a couple. I felt like shit for hurting her, but there was no way in hell I would have started a relationship with my manager. Plus, I just didn't have those kinds of feelings for her.

"I hate that Bella destroyed your life," she hissed when I gently pulled my arm out from under her hand.

"It's not solely Bella's fault," I defended Bella. "I made the choice for her to walk out of my life."

"But-"

"Leah, I appreciate the fact that you care and that you're trying to make me feel better," I interrupted her, "what I don't appreciate is that you're bringing up shit that's long forgotten and buried." I clenched my jaw, trying really hard to be polite. I hate that everyone seemed to think they could talk to me about Bella just because I saw her last night.

"Okay, you're right," she sighed. "I'm sorry. I just…I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Thank you, I'm fine." I nodded my head.

Things were brutal after I 'supposedly' broke Leah's heart, but we worked things out. I think she figured that we were her boss, not the other way around. She changed her attitude right before I had enough of her stalking me like a fucking freak.

She turned around and made her way to the door without saying another word. I followed Leah out of the suite, thankful she dropped the Bella-situation.

We went through the secret entrance they created for the bands here at Key Arena. My heart rate picked up when I got closer to the backstage-area, where I heard the crowd singing along with another band.

This was the Volturi-fundraiser, one of the most successful fundraisers in the country. It started five years ago when the Volturi-brothers invited a few bands to perform. It was such a huge success, they decided to do it every year. The cause of this fundraiser was to help children with cancer, especially orphaned children and children whose parents didn't have the funds or insurance to pay for their treatments and hospital bills.

We've been waiting for this opportunity since they first started this fundraiser. It was a great honor to perform here and to give something back to the community.

That was why it was no problem to agree to come back to Seattle...

I just never imagined I would run into Bella again...especially in Seattle. This meant that Charlie lied to me about Bella's whereabouts...I had called him every single day since she ran away, until he just hung up the phone whenever he heard it was me.

I remember the day I knocked on his door and asked where the hell Bella was. We had a big argument before he slammed the door in my face. But not before he promised me he would get a restraining order if I kept harassing him. He made it perfectly clear Bella wanted nothing to do with me and I should fuck off.

I had such high hopes in finding her there, or at least get a clue as to where she was. I was crushed when I came back to LA without Bella. I had no clue where she was and Charlie made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me…I did the only thing I knew possible; I let Isabella Swan go. My life was never the same after that….

"So this is where it ends, in the place where it all began

And here I find you shaking softly in the cold September wind

You swim with your mistakes like a necklace made of concrete

To drag you down and keep you under

You gotto let go of something"

Ever since I saw Bella, I couldn't be in the same room as Tanya, I couldn't picture myself marrying Tanya…not anymore. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I never really wanted to marry Tanya, it was just something I thought I had to do, something to do to ensure I wouldn't be left like I was before. If I married Tanya, she would never leave me, since I didn't love her, she could never break my heart.

Fuck!

I couldn't be in the same city as Bella and not see her. I had no idea how to stay away from Bella, especially now that I knew where she was. It would be so hard to fly back to LA and know Bella was in Seattle.

"Are you ready for this?" Jasper asked me when we caught up to them. I smiled half-heartedly.

"I was born ready for this shit."

"Ed," he sighed before he looked at Alice. He turned his eyes back to me." She didn't mean what she said earlier. She just misses you."

"Jazz, I know." I slapped him on his back. "I miss her too," I sighed, "I just don't know how to fix our relationship…it's been years."

"Just talk to her," he said and made it sound so easy. "Did you know that she cries herself to sleep every single night?" He cocked an eyebrow at me.

I swallowed hard.

The fact that my best friend still loved and supported me after what he had just revealed, humbled me in so many ways. My respect for Jasper grew by one hundred percent; if someone made my wife so unhappy that she cried every single night, I probably would have punched him every time I saw him.

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

He gently squeezed my shoulder with his hand. "This is not the time to talk about this. We'll talk later," he said calmly.

Jasper had some sort of calmness about him that overpowered every other emotion I had. No matter where we were, Jasper kept me calm. Even when storms were raging inside my heart, he calmed them.

"You're right. We will talk about this later," I smiled. I needed to set things right with my sister, and I promised myself that I wasn't going to put this off any longer.

We listened as Aro Volturi announced our band's name and my heart started pounding hard as the crowd chanted our name. This was the best thing about performing live - the adrenaline rush that pumped through my veins as exhilaration took over.

I stepped onto the stage, staring back at the chanting and clapping crowd. It fulfilled me in so many ways, but there were only so many fulfillments from performing. It almost had the power to stitch up my wound of a heart…almost. It only kept me going; it was like drinking an energy drink, which kept you going for a few hours.

Alice took her place behind the set of drums. I grinned. Alice was the best drummer I knew, and I knew she was my sister and all, but she looked really hot behind a set of drums. Alice was a true rocker straight to the core, another reason she did not get along with Tanya.

I really needed to make amends with Alice, and I was happy I had decided to do it. I have to take the first step and offer her an olive branch, because I couldn't go on like this. And from what Jasper told me, I would bet he has had enough of this shit as well.

Plus, the fact I now knew about Alice's crying every night, and what it must have done to my friend, made my decision so much easier. I wanted my sister back in my life….

This is where I say I've had enough

And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

A walking open wound,

A trophy display of bruises

And I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

I grabbed my guitar and took my place at the front of the stage, staring up at the crowd – all ten thousand of them – and felt my heart pounding hard in my chest. This was what made everything worthwhile.

I cleared my throat as the crowd slowly stilled.

"Wow," I choked out, my voice was thick with emotion. "We are so honored to be here; being a part of this fundraiser has been something we've wanted to do since it started. Giving is such an amazing gift and for us to be able to give to children in need…wow, it touches my heart in ways no one will ever understand." I cleared my throat again.

My fingers gently toggled through the strings. "Anyways, enjoy the show." I smiled widely, strumming the riffs of our first song.

I started singing my heart out to Seattle, and I sang my heart out to the woman I've loved and threw away because I was so damn selfish, and who wasn't even listening to me pour my heart out. I tried to sing the excruciating pain inside my chest away – failing miserably. I wanted Bella back. This feeling dawned on me as I performed; slamming on my guitar strings, head banging my way through the chorus.

What the fuck was going on with me? Did I really want her back? Would she even take me back? Could we go back to how we were?

Pfft, by her reaction from last night, hell no!

After our performance, Aro Volturi joined us on stage. He praised us before he announced the next artist, which came as a huge surprise to me.

"The next artist was a last minute decision but we just had to have her perform here since she's made such an impression on the public," he chuckled, "Izzy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen." He stretched his arm out toward the side to welcome her. She made her appearance while we walked off the stage.

The television and magazines hadn't done her any justice because she was even more gorgeous in person, an absolute fucking vision. She wore a black bondage mini skirt over fishnet stockings and a black and red corset with high Docs. She looked amazing.

What struck me as odd, though, was her face. Her makeup was so much darker this time, half her face was covered in makeup; creating some sort of mask. It didn't look bad, especially with her blue eyes showing off amazingly, but it was definitely different. No wonder society referred to her as 'Goddess of Goth'.

I nodded in hello when I walked passed her but she just looked away. I frowned. Please don't tell me she was one of those stuck up bitches who, all of a sudden, became somebody overnight and now she thought she was the fucking shit!

Emmett grabbed my arms when I jumped off the stage.

"Hey, what the fuck?" I pulled my arm free.

"Dude, I need to talk to you," he said.

"Em, what is so damn important-?"

"I…." He pulled his fingers through his hair. His face looked strained. "Fuck!" he exclaimed in frustration.

"I don't know how to tell you this," he said.

"Just spit it out," I groaned, "and get it over with, so I can get the fuck out of here. I want to talk to Alice."

"Bella has been lying to you all these years," he said softly. My eyes narrowed as I tucked my hands into my pants pockets.

"How do you figure that?"

"Let's get out of here. We can-"

"No, fuck that. Tell me what she's been lying about?" I interrupted him.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and slowly raised his eyes to meet mine.

"Em-" I lashed out. I felt a little frustrated myself at this point. He made me anxious about this whole Bella thing he had on his mind. Emmett wasn't the kind of guy that was at loss for words, or even struggled to get shit off his chest. He would just spit it out.

"She was pregnant," he rumbled.

I felt the blood drain from my body. My heart sprung to my throat, pounding painfully hard and making it impossible to breathe.

"W-w-hat?" I struggled out.

"She had a baby. Nine months after she left you," he whispered. "Edward, you have a son."

"No." I shook my head. "No, Bella would never keep something like that from me." I kept shaking my head.

Emmett sighed.

"He's the spitting image of you…believe me, he's your son."

"No." I shook my head again. I felt something warm roll down my cheeks and my hand raised on its own accord to wipe the tears away – something I haven't done in seven years - cry. "No, it's not possible," I hissed.

Could this be? Was that why she wanted to see me tomorrow morning? I couldn't believe she would have kept this from me for ten years….

A son? I have a son?

My throat swelled from unshed tears and I had a hard time swallowing.

"Ed, are you okay?"

"I have to see her," I said.

He just shook his head, pulling me to our suite. I felt sick to my stomach and my legs felt weak, struggling to carry the weight of my body.

Now as the rain falls like shattered pieces of glass from the sky,

We bleed like water colors and drunken pastels down the stairways.

And I ask myself, why do I still pray?

When will it end? And who fucking cares?

(The boy who could fly – Pierce the Veil)

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