He wakes to the sound of her screaming. Elliot rolls over to check on her and finds her thrashing around in her sleep. Normally the screaming causes her to wake herself up, but not tonight.
"Olivia," he says softly, nudging her shoulder.
It doesn't wake her at first, but he tries it again and her eyes fly open. She sits up startled and gasping for breath.
"You're okay," he assures her, rubbing her back.
She closes her eyes and scrubs a hand over her face.
"That bad, huh?"
"He was raping me."
Elliot pulls her closer to him and her head falls onto his shoulder.
"It wasn't real, Liv. He didn't touch you like that. You didn't let him."
She nods and her hair brushes against his chin. "I know. Didn't make it feel any less real though."
"Have they set a trial date yet?" he asks.
"No," she says, shaking her head. "His condition has to improve first."
"They're not charging you with anything are they?"
She shrugs. "I almost killed him. I could have killed him. I haven't heard anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if the bastard tried to charge me with assault."
"It was self defense."
"Maybe the first hit was. After that it was just…rage."
He almost makes a joke about him being the one with the anger management problem, but he decides against it, fearing it would only upset her more.
"Was Cassidy upset when you told him you were moving in with me instead of him?" Elliot asks instead, hoping a change in subject will help to calm her down.
Olivia sighs. "He thinks I'm just doing it because you're familiar and I need familiar right now."
Elliot laughs. "So what is he in denial?"
She lifts her head up to look at him. "He seems to think that you're not good enough for me, but he is."
He scoffs. "Bullshit!"
She laughs at that. It's so good to hear her laugh again. He's not even sure if he's seen her smile since he met her at that coffee shop.
"I disagree with him," she tells him.
"You better."
She laughs again and he can't help but smile.
"All right come on, get some sleep. It's your first day back at work tomorrow."
Even though it's dark in the room, he can just feel her rolling her eyes at him. She reaches up to give him a soft kiss before she lays back down on her pillow.
"I'm glad you're back," is the last thing he hears from her before she drifts back to sleep.
They're sitting at a table with Amaro, Rollins, and Fin at Munch's retirement party. Elliot and Fin are catching up and Amaro and Rollins are discussing something she missed the beginning of. Cragen is up near the front of the room laughing at Munch for one thing or another. Elliot's hand is on her knee and she can't help but smile at how normal all of this feels. When was the last time anything about her life felt normal?
The room quiets as Cragen announces it's time to start to the roast. He kicks it off by talking about how worried he was when Munch made sergeant and he was in charge of the squad for a few weeks. When he finishes, he motions for Olivia to come up. She grabs her journal off the table and heads to the front of the room. She clears her throat and starts speaking, guessing that it will quiet the room.
"So this is actually my diary from my very first day at SVU." She bends her head and begins to read from it. "Dear diary, I felt so nervous walking into the crown jewel of the NYPD and then I had the pleasure of being introduced to detectives Stabler and Munch. They looked a little bit like Archie and Jughead. I thought this has to be a mistake, this can't be SVU, maybe traffic enforcement or post office security."
The audience laughs and Munch butts in with his commentary. "Prick me, Olivia, do I not bleed?"
"So who does that make me, huh? Archie or Jughead?" Elliot calls from his seat.
"Whichever one had the least amount of hair," Munch jabs back, laughing as Elliot shoots him a look.
"Go ahead, Liv sorry," Elliot apologizes. "You were busy accusing Munch and I of being traffic cops."
A smile creeps across her face and she starts to defend her old words. "Well I do have to admit that I did underestimate him, umm at first, but then let's be honest people please who here hasn't?"
More laughter rings throughout the room.
"Hold on, wait," Elliot starts. "You'll admit to underestimating him, but not to underestimating me?"
"This isn't your party."
"Does that mean I can't cry if I want to?"
She shakes her head, returning her attention to Munch. "So, over time, I realized after you got your meds straightened out, that you umm were not only a brilliant detective, John Munch, but you are a deeply soulful man. I will miss you, John Munch."
Munch gets up to hug her and she hugs him back, the whole time looking at Elliot over his shoulder.
"Olivia Benson, everyone, she'll be here all week," Munch says, taking control of the room.
Fin steps up to the podium next and starts in on his favorite story about when Munch got shot in the ass. Olivia takes her seat next to Elliot again and his hand resumes its place on her knee.
"You couldn't make your own speech, you had to butt in on mine?" she whispers.
"I had the right to defend myself," he whispers back.
She shakes her head and places her hand on top of his.
"So John," Fin starts, wrapping it up. "If you'll still be my Jew, I'll still be your boy."
Munch groans as he stands to give Fin the standard man hug. "You're never going to let that one go are you?"
"It seems like it's been forever since the four of us were a team," Elliot says softly so only she can hear it.
"Three years."
"Is that it? Feels like longer."
"That's it."
He shakes his head, looking over at her. "So who's going to leave next? You or Fin?"
"Well I've been here longer…"
He laughs. "Not by much."
She sighs, a small smile forming on her lips. "I don't think I'm done just yet."
Lewis' trial starts this week. Just the idea of it has a knot of worry forming in the pit of his stomach. Her nightmares have stopped and she actually seems genuinely happy. But he just knows that's all going to end as soon as she has to see Lewis again and relive that awful experience.
She's laying with her back to him in their bed. Their bed. He still can't get over that. Elliot slips an arm over her torso and rests his chin on her shoulder.
Olivia hums. "Can I help you?"
"You start going over testimony with Barba tomorrow, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"You gonna be okay?"
She sighs and laces her fingers in between his. "Honestly, I don't know."
"Has he said anything about it to you yet?"
"All I know is that he wants me to say that I only attacked Lewis with that bed post because he broke free of his restraints and I wanted to subdue him." She clucks her tongue. "I nearly killed the guy. Apparently that's subdued."
"He's just trying to help."
"Yeah well. The nightmares are going to start again. Fair warning."
He places a kiss at her temple. "I'll be here when they do."
"Thank you. For being here."
"Sorry it me so long to get here."
"You're here now. That's what matters."
1/6/14
It's been a while since I've sent you an e-mail. But things are surprisingly slow over here today, just sitting around waiting for ballistics to come back, so I thought I'd check in. How did things with Barba go?
Elliot
1/6/14
Wow the last thing in our e-mail thread is me wanting to meet you so I could tell you about Lewis. It's like we've come full circle…or something.
But anyway, it was…fine. I'm not supposed to say that I froze when I encountered him in my apartment and that's why I didn't grab my gun from its holster. I'm just supposed to say that he caught me off guard or some shit like that. I don't understand why I can't say it? It's what happened. Sorry that I can't be a badass 24/7. I really didn't realize how different it would be testifying as the victim instead of as the cop. I don't like it.
1/6/14
No one expects you to be a badass 24/7. I can't even do that.
And I don't what tactic he's going for, but it sounds to me like he knows what he's doing. We're going to get this guy, Liv.
1/6/14
Barba listed off the injuries Lewis' attorney says I inflicted on him. I did more damage to him than he did to me. He's deaf in one ear now. I did that. Physically, I'm just fine now. It makes me look like the perp in all of this. He's going to walk, Elliot. All because I couldn't control my anger. And I'm never going to feel safe with him out there walking around. I just want all of this to be over.
1/6/14
He's not going to walk. He kidnapped and assaulted a police officer. He tried to rape and kill you. He had it all coming to him. And from what you've told me about all of his other victims, he not only deserved the beating you gave him, but he deserves to die. Or to at least rot in prison for the rest of his miserable life. Don't beat yourself up over this, Liv. You've done nothing wrong.
1/6/14
Do you think they would have charged me with murder if he had died?
1/6/14
Not successfully. You were defending yourself. You were in fear for your life.
1/6/14
Elliot…when I picked up that post, I had every intention to kill him. If Amaro and the others hadn't gotten there when they did, I would have.
1/6/14
I would have killed him too.
1/6/14
And Barba wants me to sit on the stand and say that I was trying to subdue him. Lying under oath. Excellent.
Listen, I've got to go track down a lead. I'll see you at home, okay? Pick up some Chinese from that place around the corner of your precinct, will you? The usual.
"Hey, they gave me extra crab rangoons cause they messed up our order, so you better help me eat them."
Elliot places the food on the kitchen table and is greeted with silence.
"Liv, you here?"
He wanders into the bedroom and finds her sitting on the bathroom floor with her head tucked between her legs. He rushes toward her.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
She lifts her head, revealing a tear-stained face. "I had a panic attack."
He kneels on the floor in front of her and takes her hands in his.
"I hate this," she tells him. "I was doing okay. I was happy."
He doesn't know what to tell her. Every thought that races through his mind sounds too insensitive to say out loud. So instead he scoots closer to her and wraps her in his arms.
"I know," he whispers against her hair. "I know, Olivia, I know."
She leans into him. "I'm sorry that I'm such a mess."
"You don't need to apologize. Be as much of a mess as you need to be. I'm not going anywhere."
A small smile tugs at the corners of her lips. "Who else would put up with me, right?"
He starts to tell her that really, she's not overacting after everything that's happened to her when he realizes that she's making a reference to a conversation they had years ago sitting on her apartment steps.
"Well I don't have the wife anymore, but I still have the five kids. So I did buy dinner, don't worry about it."
She chuckles at that and gives him her hands to help her stand up. They wander back into the living room together and Olivia moves into the kitchen to pull some glasses down from the cabinet.
"Did you hear what I said about the crab rangoons?" Elliot asks, pulling the take out containers out of the sack.
"Yeah, you're going to force me to eat them."
"Come on, you used to love them."
Olivia fills the glasses with water and brings them back over to the table. "That was before I had a batch that gave me food poisoning. Which you conveniently chose not to eat that night."
"I'm clairvoyant, what can I say?"
"Clairvoyant my ass."
He smirks at her as they both sit down at the table. She purposefully avoids the box filled with crab rangoons and drags the orange chicken and rice toward her.
"I've missed our Chinese runs," he tells her before stuffing a dumpling into his mouth.
"We just had it a few weeks ago," Olivia says, confused.
"No, I mean when we were stuck late at the precinct whether it be just the two of us or the whole team. And we'd find some Rookie to go pick it up for us so we wouldn't have to pay the delivery fee. And we'd fight over who got the last crab rangoon back before you decided that you hated them."
She smiles before taking a swig of her water. "We're not stuck late at the precinct right now. How is tonight any different from the last time we ordered Chinese?"
"I don't know. Maybe we're just eating later, so it feels different."
Elliot opens the plastic container of sweet and sour sauce and pours it over his rice. He just can't eat it plain like she can.
"You know those were great days," Olivia starts. "And once this stupid trial is over, these days will be even better. Because these days, you're actually single."
"I'm not single, Liv. I have you."
He's busy typing up a report for a case they just closed, when he notices Olivia walk into his bullpen.
"Well this is a pleasant surprise," he smiles at her and leans back in his chair, lacing his hands together behind his head.
His partner is out at lunch so Olivia sits across from him in his partner's chair, giving him a sense of déjà vu.
"Lewis wants to make a plea bargain."
Elliot sits forward and folds his hands on his desk. "What kind of plea bargain?"
"He'll confess to all the details about how he raped me."
He feels the color drain from his face. "But I thought you said –"
"I did. Because he didn't rape me."
Elliot sighs with relief, letting go of the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "Then why the hell does he want to confess to it?"
"To continue torturing me. To make me sit there in court and listen to all of the horrible things he planned to do to me. To make me publicly state that I'm a rape victim, which I'm not."
"So –"
"I told Barba not to take it."
He nods. "Good."
"Really? Because he seemed to think that I was pretty stupid for not taking it."
"I don't want to put you through that. He shouldn't either."
Olivia sighs and leans back in the chair. "Trial starts tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight."
"I'll stay up with you," Elliot offers.
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to."
The trial is rough on her. He watches her come home everyday feeling more beaten and defeated than the last. Lewis is really doing a number on her psyche and Elliot hates him even more for it. Her nightmares are back and she wakes up in tears sometimes more than once a night. He just wants the damn thing to be over with. He can't stand sitting in the court as that bastard concocts all of these lies and tries to claim that Olivia had some twisted rape fantasy about him. It almost makes him want to stand up and tell the son of bitch what she really likes in bed and how it has absolutely nothing to do with rape.
Watching her react to all of it is the worst part. She nearly lunges at him with every word out of his mouth. Elliot heard her mumble something the other night her sleep about "finishing the job." He can only assume she was referring to killing him. He doesn't blame her. He'd kill Lewis himself given the opportunity.
The day the verdict is handed out, Olivia is a ball of nerves. She refused to eat anything this morning, fearing that she would throw it up. Elliot prays that Lewis doesn't walk; there's no way Olivia will ever feel safe again if he's a free man.
The jury comes out and the foreman stands, verdict in her hands. On the charge of attempted murder: not guilty. Shit. On the charge of attempted rape: not guilty. Fuck. Olivia is squirming next to him like she's going to be sick. He takes her hand and squeezes. On the charge of assaulting a police officer: guilty. On the charge of kidnapping: guilty.
The courtroom erupts into chatter and he sneaks a glance at Lewis. He looks pissed off. Good. Elliot turns his attention to Olivia next to him. She's frozen in place, staring unblinking directly ahead of her.
"It's over, Liv. We can breathe again."
She shakes her ahead. "It's not enough."
"He got 25 to life."
"Yeah, he could be out in 25 years."
Elliot puts a hand on her shoulder. "Olivia look at me." She does. "That man is not going to hurt you ever again. He's not going to be playing mind games with you anymore. This is it, it's over, it's done. We can go home and order Chinese or that greasy pizza you like. Hell, maybe I can even round up a Rookie to go pick it up for us like old times sake. Your nightmares are going to stop and you're going to go back to being happy. Your life is back, and I'm still not going anywhere."
She leans forward and kisses him.
"Okay?" he asks, when she pulls away, wiping at the tears on her cheeks with his thumbs.
"Yeah. You're right, okay." She shakes her head a little like she's trying to clear out any negative thoughts. "Let's go home. I'm…I'm ready to start moving past this. It's going to take me some time, but…I'll get there. And I have you to thank for helping me get through all of this. I couldn't have done it without your support."
"I love you, okay? Being your support system is what I'm here for."
She smiles and stands up, offering him her hand. "I love you too."