Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Lyrics in this chapter belong to: Be with you – Cranberries
Trying not to love you - Nickelback
Aeroplane – CrashCarBurn
A/N: Before you read the chapter, there are a few things I'd like to clear up. First off all, everyone's been asking me who exposed Bella? In the previous chapter it said that Bella and Seth's entire conversation were quoted word for word. Seth had left the door to her dressing room open and someone overheard their conversation about Izzy and Bella.
Secondly, a guest reviewer asked how frequently I planned on updating. I can't answer that question because I don't have a normal timeline for everything. I update when I have a chapter ready for you guys. My real life is a mess with my baby…as other mommies knows they can keep you pretty darn busy. My son is six months and he's busy teething…was the worst time of my life, well, except for the colic he had. LOL.
Thirdly, I know I was a bit behind on getting back to the reviews, but I think I've managed to get up to date. I've replied to every single review I've received. Hopefully I can keep it up. So feel free to share your questions, fears, theories with me and I'll get back to you in a PM.
There's also one guest reviewer that I'd like to thank personally – BOBBYSGIRL – your review from chapter ten meant a lot to me. Thank you so much.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Lying in my bed again
And I cry 'cause you're not here
Crying in my head again
And I know that it's not clear
Put your hands, put your hands
Inside my face and see that it's just you
But it's bad and it's mad and it's making me sad
Because I can't be with you
(Be with you – Cranberries)
Chapter Twelve – I don't deserve your love
EPOV
I've missed this so much, I thought to myself as my lips ghosted down her neck to her collarbone and across her shoulders. Her skin scorched my lips with raw desire. My tongue was on fire as it swirled around one of her perfect breasts, taking her pink nipple into my mouth. My tongue grazed around the pink delicacy before I gently nibbled it between my teeth. Her back arched, pushing her breast deeper into my mouth. A loud groan escaped my mouth as it felt like my dick grew even harder, if that was even possible.
"Edward" she panted, rolling her head to the side and biting down on my pillow. I waited for her to finish what she wanted to say, but the only thing that escaped her clenched mouth was low moaning sounds and a lot of fucking panting. Her body writhed underneath my hands while my mouth gave the same amount of attention to her other breast. Her back arched up again and her hands locked behind my head as she held me to her.
"I have missed kissing your breasts so much, baby" I whispered against her nipple. I watched in pure lust as it hardened against my hot breath. My tongue flicked out and swirled slowly and lusciously around the hardened peak. "I've missed to see you become a wet mess with just my tongue around these sexy as fuck nipples" I nibbled softly while my fingers ghosted over her stomach and down her wet as fuck center. Her head dug deeper into my pillows as her back arched up. Her lips uttered the sexiest whimpering sounds I've ever heard while my finger slid in and out of her wetness.
I sat back on my heels to make myself more comfortable, my finger still inside her warm center. I paused to look at her face, her gorgeous face displaying raw desire for what she knew lay ahead. Her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth as she bit it in anticipation, sucking in low breaths at a time. I smiled when I moved my finger in and out of her, slowly, seductively. Her body shivered, her breaths hitched and her fists clawed my sheets.
"Edward, please" she panted softly.
"What, baby, tell me what you want" I whispered. I pressed my thumb against her clit, moving it leisurely, teasing her…
"I…" she hissed, "want" she panted, "you" her eyes rolled into the back of her head when I sped up the movements of my thumb. "NOW" she hissed.
"All in good time" I whispered erratically, my own breathing was frenzied as I slipped my fingers in and out of her wet, hot center, rubbing her clit with my thumb. My dick was throbbing painfully, but I ignored it. I wanted this to be about her needs, not about mine.
She threw her head back as she tightened around my fingers. The moan that escaped her mouth almost made me cum right then and there. Her body writhed as she came hard, whimpering my name while she came down from her high bliss. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen…the most erotic thing to have witnessed. Something I thought I would never witness again. I wanted to repeat my action all over again just to have seen her come undone around my fingers again. But fuck that, I wanted to see her, feel her come undone around my hard as fuck dick. My chest heaved as I looked down to her body.
"You're so fucking beautiful" I whispered. She slowly opened her eyes, lust and raw desire still very much visible in her dark brown orbs. A lazy smile formed on her full lips and I felt the urgent need to lean forward and kiss the hell out of those lips.
As I leaned down to kiss the love of my life, her tiny hands wrapped around my throbbing dick and guided me to her overheated center. My tongue traced the contours of her lips before I dipped it inside her mouth, tasting the sweetness I've missed so fucking much.
We both groaned as I slowly, so fucking slowly, slid into her. I threw my head back in pleasure, my eyes shut and my mouth falling open slightly. It had been so long since I've been buried so deep inside of her…so long…too long. Our bodies joined and the connection electrified my fucking dead soul back to life.
"Bella" my voice trembled as I thrust deeper into her, "I love you, forever"
"I love you too" she whimpered…
"Bella!" I yelled, sitting straight up in my bed. I was a sweaty mess…the throbbing between my legs made me a fucking hot and bothered mess.
Where the fuck had that dream come from? It was so real…so fucking real that I actually felt her tight, wet center around my dick. I shook my head, rubbing the sweat from my forehead.
It must have been that kiss from last night in her hotel room. That must have been what led to the dream.
I fell back down to my back and covered my eyes with my forearm. It had felt so good to have her lips against mine, moving in unison against mine…so fucking perfect. It awakened every lost emotion I buried about Bella. Everything came to life as soon as my lips pressed against hers.
My dick relaxed immediately when I remembered her words from last night. "You were just a good fuck, Edward" "I'm marrying Jake in a month"
My heart broke into a million pieces by those words. She damn near killed me with those words. Could I believed her words? Was I really just a good fuck to her? Or had she said those things because she was hurting? I had no idea what to believe, but my heart refused to give in so quickly. I had a month to fight for Bella, a month before she married some other douchebag; stealing my children and my fucking girl. The hell I was going to let that happen. Bella was mine, and so were Tristan and Abbey. No one was going to take them away from me, no one!
After I've taken a shower and got dressed, I went downstairs to get some breakfast. I had a cook that prepared my meals whenever I needed him. The smell of bacon made my stomach growl and I hastily made my way to the kitchen.
"Morning, Garrett" I smiled entering the kitchen.
"Ah, Edward, I knew my bacon will wake you up" he chuckled.
From the very first moment he started working for me, I insisted he called me Edward. I hated the idea of him calling me 'sir' or 'Mr. Cullen'.
"Your food has the power to bring me to my fucking knees good Chef" I chuckled and bowed playfully before I stole a piece of bacon right off of the plate.
"It's still hot" he shook his head with widened eyes. I chewed around the piece of bacon in my mouth, sucking and blowing at the hot piece of bacon. It burned my fucking tongue…reminding me of my dream, how Bella's body scorched my tongue.
I shook my head with closed eyes. I had to get that vivid dream out of my mind.
"Thanks for warning me" I said hoarsely, "a little too late"
He just chuckled. Garret was born in a kitchen; I swear he could have prepared steak before he could have walked.
"Hey, have you seen this morning's paper?" he asked while cracking eggs into a skillet.
I shook my head, "No, why?" I asked curiously while pouring myself a cup of freshly brewed coffee, and taking a seat at the kitchen counter.
"That new sensation Izzy" he paused to look at me and I nodded for him to continue, "Well, she's been exposed. They found out that her real name is Isabella Marie Swan" he eyed me warily before he turned the gas off and lifted the eggs out of the skillet, placing it onto my plate in front of me.
"What?" I hissed. "When did this happen?" I asked, slamming my fist onto the counter.
He shrugged and handed me the newspaper.
I gasped when I saw the two pictures of Izzy and Bella in front of me. My eyes scanned through the article, my fist clenched when I came across the part where they knew about me. Where had they gotten these facts? How had they figured out that Bella was Izzy? I read on where they quoted her conversation with her manager in her dressing room! Someone must've slipped past security and overheard their conversation! This was a mess…
I threw the paper down next to me. "Fuck!" I raked my fingers through my hair.
"So…" Garrett said with smile, "Why haven't I heard of the shy Bella before now?" he asked.
"I tried to forget about her…I couldn't even say her name out loud" I explained, the pain in my chest reminded me of those days. "And she's not fucking shy" I added with a hiss, raking my fingers through my hair! I scraped the chair against the tiles as I abruptly stood up.
"Hey" he raised his palms up, "I'm just saying what I read in the paper" he covered. The corner of his mouth curled up into a grin, "I knew there had to be someone else" Garrett snapped his finger, "the greyness in your eyes, the anger, the bitterness, the sadness when your thoughts were somewhere else…"
"Yeah, I…Garrett, I'm sorry about breakfast, but there's someplace I have to be" I said.
"Hey, don't worry about it, dude, I'll just put it in the refrigi-"
"No" I shook my head, "take it home…do whatever you want with it, I'm going to be a while and I'll probably get something to eat on the way" I said while rushing out of the kitchen.
My Vanquish sped through the streets of Hollywood, exceeding more than one speeding limit. I prayed that I wouldn't be pulled over because I really needed to get to Bella. I had to make sure she was fine…I shook my head as I changed through the gears. Fine? Who was I kidding? She must be a fucking wreck. This was going to kill her, especially since society knew now that she was a single mother…it would only be a matter of time before Tristan and Abbey's faces covered a magazine or newspaper.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I slammed my palms against the steering wheel.
She had to have known that her secret was bound to come out, I mean, the paparazzi could be mean motherfuckers if they wanted to. She always evaded their questions and someone must've figured out that Izzy was hiding something. I mean, it was even clear to me that she was hiding behind a mask…and what a fucking mask it was!
When I stopped in front of her hotel, I jumped out of my car and rushed inside the building. The elevators were busy and I tapped impatiently on the button. I started pacing in front of the closed elevators, jabbing my hands into my hair and pulled hard. Just before the doors to the elevator opened, I saw flashes behind me. Turning around, I was attacked with flashes and questions from the paparazzi's.
"Edward, why are you at the same hotel as Izzy?"
"Edward, are you and Isabella back together?"
"Edward, is it true that you broke of the engagement with Tanya Denali?"
"Edward, can we have a statement from you?"
My head shot from one reporter to the next as the questions were thrown my way, until one motherfucker crossed the line.
"Edward, is Isabella Swan's nine-year-old son yours, or was she cheating on you and that's why you left her all those years ago?"
I had no recollection of what happened, but I saw red after that insinuation. I stormed the blonde-haired motherfucker, clenched my fist around the collar of his shirt and punched him in his jaw. He stuttered backwards and I unclenched my fist from his collar where he dropped to the ground. Camera flashes turned into a frenzy of lights where it almost blinded me.
"You want a statement, you vultures, I'll give you a damn statement" I hissed in fury, "Fuck you! How about that for a fucking statement? Go print that in your pathetic magazines and newspapers" I said before jumping into the elevator and looked back at the fuckers as the doors closed.
I sighed. My fist was in pain from throwing that punch, but it was nothing compared to what my heart felt like now. Was that what the media was thinking? That I've abandoned Bella because she was carrying my child, my life, my blood? Because they thought that Bella cheated on me?
I threw my head backwards and rested it against the elevator wall. I already knew that my face was going to be printed on every paper and gossip magazine tomorrow. I've always managed to stay calm when bombarded by the paparazzi's. I just couldn't contain my anger towards that man when he made those allegations. Rigid was an understatement for what I was feeling…I was fucking beyond livid.
Fuck! I raked my fingers through my hair. I may have worsened things for Bella now. I have given them new ammunition to shoot her with.
As the elevator doors dinged, I ran towards Bella's door. My knock was urgent and loud.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"It's Edward, open up" I said.
The door slowly opened for me to enter and I stepped into her room. She was hiding behind the door and quickly closed it when I was in the room.
"Edward, what are you doing here?" she asked, throwing her head against the closed door.
My heart soared with fury when I took her face in; red puffy eyes, blotchy nose, red swollen cheeks…I wanted to kill the fucker who exposed her. I wanted to clench my hands around his neck and watch the life drain from his fucking eyes.
"I came to see if you are alright?" I said softly trying to calm the fury brewing inside of me. My arms ached to pull her to my chest and hold her tightly, but I knew that it wasn't my place as she made it perfectly clear last night.
"I'm fine, Edward" she sighed. "I'm worried about Tristan and Abbey…and Jake" she whispered the last part of her sentence softly. I clenched my jaw at the sound of his name, tucking my hands in the pockets of my jeans.
"Have you spoken to Tristan?" I asked her.
She shook her head no, "But Jake called…seems that news travels faster than the speed of light" she chuckled humorlessly.
"When you're famous everything about you travels faster than the speed of light" I smiled softly at her.
"I never should have done this. What have I done to Tristan and Abbey?" she whispered before she completely cracked. She fell against the door with her back and slid down slowly, breaking into a sobbing mess.
My heart ached seeing her so fragile and vulnerable. I couldn't stand it any longer. I rushed towards her and crouched down before her. I don't know if it was for the fact that Bella was so emotionally drained, but she threw her arms around my neck willingly when I slid my arms underneath her and picked her up. Her legs wrapped around my hips as I carried her to the couch and sat down with her still wrapped around me. She buried her head in my neck, and I rubbed her back soothingly while whispering words of comfort into her ear.
"We'll work it out, Bella" I cooed, "I won't leave you to fight this battle by yourself. I'll fight with you every step of the way, I promise"
I rocked our bodies back and forth and it wasn't long before I felt her body relax against mine. Her breathing leveled and became deep as she fell asleep on top of me. Fuck, this felt amazing. Having Bella wrapped around my body with my arms around hers, her soft breaths in my neck, felt like fucking heaven to me. My heart felt whole, the cracks filled with Bella's presence, healing me completely.
As I lay with Bella atop me, visions of a life with Bella, Tristan and Abbey filled my mind. Bella held my hand while Tristan and Abbey ran in our backyard. Happiness and love completed the images as we were a family. It was so magical and so fucking beautiful, and I wanted it. I desperately wanted to make those visions a reality.
I started humming a song I've written a few years ago when Bella was constantly on my mind.
"But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to"
I planted a soft kiss on her head, my eyes burned with unshed tears. I have tried everything to forget about Bella, but to no prevail. Even though the alcohol had kept me numb while I was as drunk as a lord, the memory almost blasted me away when I was sober. It pained me even more than before. Her memory was so vivid that I drank constantly to avoid the heart wrenching pain between my lungs. I tried not to love her, I tried my damn hardest to hate her, but the more I tried the more I loved her.
"'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more"
I sang softly into her ear. Living without Bella had left a huge hole in my chest, and even though I have Tristan to focus all my love on, the hole was still there, as big as ever, because she wasn't a part of my life. I couldn't help the way I felt about her because she was my one…the one I was supposed to marry ten years ago.
I had no idea how long we sat like that, but when Bella stirred, I knew my time with her was up. I took a whiff of her strawberry scented hair and tightened my arms around her fragile body. Her uneven breathing told me that she was awake, but being the selfish prick that I was, I pretended not to acknowledge that fact. I had to cherish the last minutes, no, seconds with her.
She slowly raised her head, refusing to look into my eyes.
"I…ur…I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me" she apologized.
"Bella" I lifted her chin with my forefinger, "It's fine. I'm glad I was here"
She pulled her chin away from my fingers and started moving off of me. Her cheeks were flushed with the most gorgeous pink I've ever seen. I have missed her blush so much. My hand shot out and my fingers traced her blush tenderly. "Edward," she whispered, "please don't" she swallowed hard before she pulled away and completely removed her body from mine. She stood before me with her arms across her chest.
"Bella, I was only comforting you" I explained.
"I know" she said. "But, it's not your place to do that…and…and I shouldn't have let you comfort me like that" she shook her head as if she was confused.
"Bella" I said urgently. I stood up and approached her slowly, but she shook her head and went to the other side of the room!
"Bella, I'm sorry about last night" I sighed, "I shouldn't have taken advantage of you-"
"Edward, no, it wasn't your fault" she interrupted me.
"I'm begging you to not marry that guy, Bella. I'm begging you to give me a fair chance to win your heart again" I pleaded, my heart was in excruciating pain with just the mere thought of her belonging to someone else.
"You had your chance ten years ago" she shook her head, "I can't go through that again, I'm sorry"
"You think I'm going to hurt you again?" I asked.
Her eyes pierced mine, and that gave me my answer. She didn't trust me...the best part of it all was that I couldn't even blame her. I've hurt her so much by rejecting her!
I had a lot of ammunition that I could use; the engagement ring, quitting the band, leaving Tanya...
Was it stupid of me to have wanted her to love me out of her own free will again...her own desire?
That was why I decided not to say anything about it! I just couldn't form the words to blabber everything to her…I had a feeling that it wasn't the right time for that. I would wait until she asked me about it because I had a feeling that if I had told her she wouldn't have believed me, especially about the ring. I needed to have patience with Bella's heart. I needed to approach her carefully because she was already broken by my selfishness.
"Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done to you, Bella?" I asked softly, achingly soft.
Her eyes filled with tears, creating a sad sparkle in her brown eyes.
"I don't know" she whispered. "I'm just so confused right now..."
"I can understand that, but all I'm asking is a chance, Bella, a chance to prove to you how much I fucking love you"
The tears rolled over the brims of her eyes and slowly made their way down her pink cheeks. She wiped them angrily as if she was furious for crying in front of me. So many different emotions swirled around in the darkness of her eyes, and it left me…confused. Was all that hurt, fear, brokenness, horror and doubts my fault? Had my rejection alone caused that? How could I have asked Bella to forgive me when I couldn't even find the will to forgive myself?
I couldn't blame Charlie for keeping me away from Bella ten years ago because had she have been my daughter, I would have done the same. Who would want a man that had broken his daughter's heart beyond repair, anywhere near her? The reality of what I've done to Bella dawned on me, yet again…I didn't deserve her, her heart, her trust or her love. I deserved to rot in hell for what I've done!
"I'll never forgive myself for doing this to you" I motioned my hands up and down. She scrunched her nose up with a huff.
"Doing what?" she asked with narrowed eyes.
I clenched my jaw and jabbed my fingers into my hair before I tucked them in the pockets of my jeans. I rocked on my heels while staring into her eyes.
Couldn't she see the brokenness and fear in her eyes? Was she really that naïve to have believed that she was fine?
It took me all but two seconds to gather myself before I took three steps and halted in front of her. I slipped my fingers around her wrist, carefully not to hurt her, and pulled her towards the bedroom. She fought me in every way, but I kept my gentle grip on her wrist until I found the bathroom.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she hissed. I brought her to a standstill in front of the mirror in the bathroom, and I took a stand behind her.
"Look at yourself, Bella" I whispered through narrowed lips. My arm came around her body while my other arm crept up until I held her jaw between my fingers, forcing her to look into the mirror. I pushed her closer to the mirror. "Look into your eyes, Bella, and tell me what you see" I ordered.
"Darling you look terrified
Why are you so afraid?
It's like the colors in your eyes
Betrayed your face and turned to grey
Now what a shame you never learned to fly
A shame I cut your wings"
I softly sang to her. There was a slight flicker in her eyes, telling me that she heard what I've sung to her. I knew I had hurt Bella, but the horror in her eyes this morning, showed me what I've really done to her.
She turned her face away from the mirror again, but I gently pulled it back towards the mirror.
"Look what I've done to you…see the brokenness, the doubt, the pain…the fucking fear and horror, Bella, look at what I've done to you" I said with a thick voice. I had to swallowed the sob that was about to escape my lips. My heart was in excruciating pain as if someone jabbed a dagger through it and twisted it around and around.
She looked at herself in the mirror while tears rolled down her cheeks. She let the tears roll down this time, not bothering with wiping them. For a long while we just stood there, Bella looking at herself, and me holding her in front of the mirror. We never moved, we just stood there in silence with sniffling as the only sounds.
"You've got nothing left to lose
You've taken all of your chances
Every single inch of you is tired of questions without answers
Now I may not have those words you need
To save you from disaster
But I could be that wind you need
To fly away
Fly away"
Her eyes met mine in the mirror when I stopped singing. My heart hammered in my throat.
"Edward" she whimpered. "It wasn't just you" she said through a sob.
I slowly released her, but kept my eyes on hers through the mirror. It seemed that the fear and pain had increased…I slid my eyes closed because I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. It killed me…
"You don't need to do that" I laughed humorously. "I can see what I've done"
"Believe what you want" she sighed, "it wasn't just you, Edward"
"Then who else? Did you love someone else?" I asked with hands around my heart, squeezing the life out of it.
She shook her head, "I don't trust you enough to tell you…maybe" she bit her lip, "maybe someday" she said without looking at me.
"I'm so sorry" I sucked in a deep breath. "I know I'm not worthy of your love, but I just don't know how to live without you anymore, Bella. The crippling agony of a life without you is killing me…it kills me to know this. I guess I'll always be a selfish motherfucker" I said hoarsely.
"I could be your Aeroplane,
If you want to fly away
Then we'll fly away
Come on fly away"
"I used to love that song" she confessed after my words died. My eyes met hers in the mirror when she raised hers again. I would take whichever breakthrough I could from Bella, even if it was her confessing to me about a song of mine she used to love. I was desperate for Bella's heart to belong to me again, even though I never deserved it in the first place.
"Really?" I asked, clearing my throat.
"It gave me strength…sometimes" she said. My heart went into overdrive. It may have been something stupid to have gotten excited about, but it was a confession from her, telling me that she was listening to my music, and that it had given her strength.
"I've written it just after you left" I confessed, too. Her eyes widened in surprise, and I nodded with a stupid grin on my face, "No matter how hard I tried, or how much I used to drink, nothing could erase the memory from the look in your eyes when you begged me to choose you" I said sadly. "It haunted me…still does" I whispered.
Bella turned around and stormed past me, pushing me out of the way.
"Bella, wait" I groaned as I followed her back to the living room.
"Edward, how can you do this to your…to Tanya" she asked furiously. "I mean, first you kissed me last night and now you are here to pledge your love" she sounded disgusted. "How can I even begin to trust you when you are basically cheating on your fiancé?" she spat.
"Bella" I approached her again and gently wrapped both my hands around her arms. "I broke the engagement off" I explained, "and before you ask, I broke it off the same day I returned to LA" I added. I said that I would wait for her to approach the subject, and now she had.
A small gasp escaped her pouty lips. "Why?"
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Have you not heard a fucking word I've been saying?" it broke my heart that she hadn't believed a word I've said to her. "I can't live in a lie anymore, Bella, I can't marry someone I don't love"
"You also couldn't marry someone you have claimed to love so fucking much" she said sadly.
My eyes met her as she slowly looked up. She clamped her hand down my right hand and threw my hand off of her. I flinched at the pain that shot through my knuckles. Fuck, I've forgotten that I've punched that fucker…my hand was a bit sensitive.
"Just like you claimed to have loved me, Bella" I smiled sadly, holding my right fist in my left hand. Her eyes widened before she clenched her jaw tightly.
"I did love you" she said through narrowed lips. "What's wrong with your hand?" she asked.
I shook my head, "Then you would have stayed, like I should have married you" I said. I looked down to my hand, "I may or may not have punched a reporter" I sighed. The conversation was all over the place with my hurt hand added into it. I knew Bella, and I knew she would try to change the subject with my hurt hand. I needed her to realize that she had just as much guilt from our break-up than I had. Yes, I've made a big fucking mistake – one I'll regret for the remainder of my life – but she couldn't go on accusing me that I never loved her when her choices, from that day, destroyed me as well. Her choices caused me to doubt her love for me, too. She had to see it, she had to realize it.
"What?" she asked shocked. "Why did you do that?" she asked. She took my hand in her own and twisted it so my palm rested in her tiny hand. She gently rubbed her finger over my slightly swollen knuckles. That action right there proved to me that somewhere deep inside – beneath the broken Bella – she still had feelings for me. She sighed. "It's not the same, Edward" she continued with our serious conversation before my hand became the distraction. She shook her head, refusing to acknowledge that I was right about her staying and me marrying her.
"He made some false allegations" I said to answer her question about why I punched the fucker. I took my hand out of hers and clenched and unclenched my fist a few times. Fuck, it had felt amazing when she stroked my hand with her finger. Her strawberry scented hair reminded me off my dream from this morning, and I knew I had to get away from her before my resting dick emerged, and caused chaos…or embarrassment.
"If you can't see that it is in fact the same fucking thing, then you're a hypocrite, Bella" I said calmly. "Because if you had stayed like I begged you to, I would have married you just like you wanted" I added. I refused to get mad and fight with her again. I was planning on going forward from here; starting with working on forgiving her for lying to me, and for leaving me. I guess I was already halfway there…
"I want you to leave" she hissed in anger. "You told me that you never wanted to get married, you lying fuck" she hissed further. Bella was furious, but I stayed calm and tucked my hands back in my jeans.
I chuckled with a shook of my head. "I'm going, Bella, but you need to hear the truth about that day. I can see you're not ready for that, though, so I'll wait until you're ready to believe what I tell you"
"I'm leaving for Seattle tonight" she said, "And I won't see you anytime soon, so screw you and your damn truths" she sneered as if that solved our problems.
I just laughed at that. She had no clue that she was going to see me sooner than she expected.
"Where should I call Tristan today?" I asked, refusing to give into an argument. If I wanted to win her heart back, I should tread lightly and take everything slow.
"Charlie's" she simply answered without further explanations. I nodded and made my way to the door.
"Bella, what about the media?" I asked when I realized that we never discussed it.
"You should have thought about that before you punched a reporter" she grinned sarcastically.
"I wasn't talking about me; I was talking about your part in the media" I watched her face fell. My heart went out towards her, but she was already pissed at me and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire blazing inside her heart.
"It's not your problem" she answered.
"The fuck it is, Bella, Tristan is my son, too, and my name is in that fucking article" I raised my voice a little. "Besides, I think both our lives are going to be a frenzied media mess for a couple of weeks"
"I don't know what to do" she admitted.
I sighed. "The best thing you can do right now, is to make a statement" I advised. "Running away won't keep them off your back, it'll only motivate them to dig deeper into your past"
There was that horrible fear in her eyes again. What the fuck was that about? What had happened to her?
"They'll publish pictures of Tristan and Abbey" she shook her head, "I don't want them exposed to the brutality of the media"
"They'll publish pictures with or without your consent, Bella" I sighed, "You'll bore them soon enough" I added. It was true, once the media figured there wasn't any more sensation to write about, they'll forget about you, as if you never even existed to them.
"I don't want pictures published of Tris and Abs"
"I wish I can tell you that they won't publish any, but I'll be lying to you. They're going to dig up everything about you, Bella, because they believe that you were hiding behind Izzy because Isabella Swan has a dark secret of some sort, and they'll dig until they find that secret"
"Believe me, I know. I've been dealing with this shit for almost fifteen years…the press can be brutal with their allegations. They don't give a shit about you as a person; they only care about their names in the article on the front page. They kiss ass like you won't believe" I explained to her.
"I'll discuss it with my manager once I go back to Seattle" she sighed.
"I'll call you" I said.
She only nodded her head. This wasn't just about Bella anymore, Tristan and Abbey was going to be a part of this battle in the media, and she knew she wouldn't be able to keep me out of it. Tristan was my son, and I'll fucking die protecting him.
When I arrived back at my house, Garrett was still there, cooking up a fucking storm.
"Hey, Gar, what the hell are you still doing here? I though I've given you the day off" I said as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
"Hey, man, yea you did" he said while stirring something in a pot. He closed the lid and turned around to face me. "I was about to leave this morning when the security guard at the gate called" he chuckled, "it seems you have a surprised visitor" he added.
My eyes widened. "Really? I wasn't expecting anyone" I frowned.
"Your dad wanted to surprise you" he explained.
"My dad's here?" I asked in shock.
He nodded, "Yup" he looked around as if searching for him, "he looks like shit, bro, but don't tell him I said it" he added quickly.
I chuckled. "I won't"
"I think he is in one of your guest rooms" he scratched his head, "he said something about lying down"
"Thanks, Garrett" I smiled, taking a whiff of the aroma in the kitchen. "Whatever you're cooking smells fucking great…" I added with a chuckle.
"Just keeping you on your knees, bro, just keeping you on your knees" he laughed.
I wondered what my dad was doing here. I took the stairs two at a time with Garrett's words echoing in my mind 'he looks like shit'.
Ever since he and my mom got divorced, he was unhappy. No matter what they went through as husband and wife, he loved my mom unconditionally. It destroyed him when they divorced. It had been years, even before Bella and I broke up, and he had been single ever since. He refused to be broken like that again. Dad had tried to work things out with mom, but she rejected him. She was as stubborn as a fucking mule. They remained friends, though, even had sleep-overs like fucking teenagers. We questioned that part, a lot, secretly wondering if they were friends with benefits. I shook my head at the thought. Fuck!
I knocked on the door of the room my father usually occupied when he came to visit.
"Dad" I knocked again.
He coughed and cleared his throat, "Come in, son" his voice sounded hoarse from sleep.
I turned the knob and opened the door. He lay on his back with his head resting against the pillows. At first I was frozen at the sight of my father. He was pale and his face was pulled as if in pain. He had also lost weight.
"Dad, are you okay?" I asked in concern. I walked closer to the bed and took a seat when he patted the spot next to him. The bed shifted when I sat down.
"I just have a headache" he explained.
"Not to sound disrespectful, but it looks like more than just a headache. What's going on?" I asked seriously. My forehead creased with a frown. "I've known you my entire life and I can see that something's wrong"
He chuckled but flinched, closing his eyes slowly. He opened them again.
"I'll tell you what's going on," he patted my leg, "but first I want to know everything about my grandson"
My heart sprinted out of my chest.
"He's great, dad, fuck, I loved him before I even met him" I shook my head. "I can't even imagine my life without him"
"I want to meet him, Edward" he said, sounding a bit driven. I narrowed my eyes again, but he held his palms up towards me, "later" he added to my unasked question.
"I'm sure I can arrange for you to meet him. I don't think Bella will have a problem with that" I said with the worry inside my heart increasing.
"That'll be great" he said.
Carlisle Cullen was Chief of staff at the Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago, Illinois. He was the best damn surgeon in this world. My father had blonde hair – which none of his children inherited -, blue eyes and deep dimples – both inherited by Alice and Emmett -, tall and used to be well-built. Now he was skin and bones.
Carlisle hung on every word that came from my mouth as I told him about Tristan. He was in awe when I told him how much my son loved music. It was when the subject of Bella came up that my chest constricted.
"I don't know, dad, she's so broken" I sighed. I rose to my feet and paced the floor in front of his bed.
"It's to be expected, son" he said in his calming voice.
I nodded, "I know, but…" my voice died at the last word.
"But?" he prompted.
"I don't know…I just don't see her loving me ever again. I can't even forgive myself for what I've done to her" I shook my head, "I don't think she'll forgive me"
"You and Bella always had a strong bond" he smiled. "We never understood the extremities of your relationship. I always thought that you were going to get married someday" he smiled in a bittersweet sort of way.
I sighed.
"I'll never forgive myself for causing you fear of marriage" he continued.
"Dad, it's not your fault" I argued, "I can't build my life based on your mistakes and fear every fucking thing that went wrong in yours…I should have known that from the start, but I was young and stupid. I thought marriage was a bunch of bullshit, destroying the love two people shared. I believed that marriage destroyed the person you love…destroyed both parties involved" I sighed, raking my hands through my hair. "I was such a fucking idiot" I tucked on my hair.
"If you and Bella are meant to be then it'll happen, Edward. A love like yours and Bella's never dies" he held his palms up when I was about to open my mouth. "Yes, she's hurt, and probably angry and confused, but that girl loves you. I remember the look in her eyes whenever she looked at you"
"You haven't seen her in a while, dad, her eyes are dull, angry and bitter" I argued.
"Something I've seen in your eyes as well" he chuckled.
"Bella had caused you pain as well, Edward, and she lied to you about Tristan" he explained, taking a deep breath before continuing, "if you could have found it in your heart to forgive her, she'll do the same. She needs more time"
"How do I know if I've truly forgiven her?" I asked, feeling stupid for my thirty one years.
He laughed softly, but closed his eyes with a hiss. "There's only love in your eyes, Edward, love, adoration, admiration and a softness that wasn't there before, whenever you mention her name. I can see that you've forgiven her, but if you can't feel it then there's something still buried deep inside that you need to dig up and deal with"
"Dad, I've felt it this morning when I was at Bella's hotel room, but I wasn't sure. I thought it was too soon-"
"Oh, Edward, stop believing that everything happens too soon. Life is too short for such stupid beliefs…just follow your heart, feel it and go with the flow. You'll never truly be happy if you live your life based on time"
"You're right" I nodded; "Of course you're right" I smiled. I looked down to my father with concern and worry filling my heart.
I took a seat on the edge of the bed again and frowned.
"Dad, about that talk" I prompted him.
"I have a brain tumor, Edward" he said, coming straight to the point.
I shook my head in shock. My heart filled with fear.
"What? No, dad, NO!" I hissed. I flew of the bed and started pacing again. My heart was a mess.
"Edward, I'm-"
"They can remove it, right? I mean, there are people who live with these kinds of things all over the world-"
"Edward, calm down" he sighed. "Why don't you come and sit back down on the bed?" he suggested.
"No, dad, I'll rather stand" I said sadly. I had a feeling that the news wasn't good. Fear's claws clamped into my heart and squeezed hard.
"It's too dangerous to remove the tumor; besides, they won't be able to remove everything and it's a grade four tumor. It's a very aggressive tumor and the thing will grow back faster than a lightning bolt"
"Is it life-threatening?" I asked the one question that I really wanted to ignore, but I needed to know.
He nodded his head. "It's Astrocytomas, and like I said, it is grade four, which means that it's fast-growing and very aggressive"
"And they're not going to do anything about it?" I hissed.
"Edward, there's nothing anyone can do. We already tried radiology-"
"How long have you known about this?" I interrupted him.
"A couple of weeks" he answered.
"And you tell me now?" I asked hurt.
"I didn't want to involve you if it wasn't that serious" he sighed, "but since I'm dying, I had to tell you" I flinched at his words. He spoke about it as if it was nothing, as if it was just another talk about the fucking weather and a walk in the park.
"You're dying?" I gasped.
"Edward, the tumor is still growing. Even if they remove it, it'll grow back" he explained. "I just want to spend my last days with Emmett, Alice and you" he smiled.
"You're not fighting this, dad, why not?" I felt the tears when it was already too late. They rolled down my cheeks feeling lost and disappointed that my father just accepted that he was dying. He was a doctor for crying out loud, he knew how new technology could save lives, or change lives, or even prolong lives.
"Edward, the tumor is too aggressive, son, if I had found the tumor sooner I could have prolonged my life with maybe one year" he sighed. "The problem is that the tumor is grade four, Edward, and radiology could prolong my life with seventeen weeks, at the most"
"How could you have not known?" I accused. "You're a doctor"
"I've been getting headaches all my life; I just thought it was all the stress I was under. I never realized"
"Have you told mom?" I asked.
He shook his head no, "you're the first person I've told"
"Emmett and Alice doesn't know?" I asked. Again he shook his head no. "Dad, you have to tell them"
"I will" he agreed, "if it's alright with you, I'd like to stay with you for a while?" he asked.
The anger had left my body and was replaced with remorse for taking my anger out on him. My heart crumbled at the sight of my dad in front of me. I was going to lose him. I was thirty one years old, but at that moment I was a little boy who still needed his dad in his life. It felt like we were being robbed of time; time to make up for ten years of touring, to get to know Tristan, to see Alice's baby, to see Bella and me back together…things I thought we still had lots of time for.
I rushed to the bed and knelt in front of it, taking my father's hand in mine. "Dad, there's nothing more I'd like than for you to stay with me" I smiled. My vision of my father blurred as tears started building up again. "You just have to come do it in Seattle" I chuckled before a sob escaped my lips.
He wiggled his hand out of mine and placed it on my head, "you're moving to Seattle?" he asked. I nodded and started telling him how I broke off the engagement with Tanya, which he praised, and I told him how I quit the band. I kept my mouth shut about Alice because that was definitely something he had to hear from her.
"Then I'm moving with you" he smiled. His eyes slid closed and a moment of panic filtered through me, but then I saw his chest moving up and down, and I relaxed with a deep sigh.
I removed his hand from my head and placed it next to his body. This felt so unfair. He was only fifty six years old and still had a long road ahead of him. Why did this have to happen to my father? Why now? Were we being punished for everything we've done wrong?
The air left my lungs when I remember his words…seventeen weeks…weeks! Not months, not years, weeks. That was what he got for giving his life to medicine. That was what he got for being the best fucking surgeon on this damn earth. A big fucking tumor with a seventeen week fuck you.
I started sobbing and placed my fist in my mouth to stifle the sobs. His breathing was deep and steady, but I refused to leave his bedside. It felt like I had to make every second count that I still had with him. Soon, he would be gone and I would never get a moment like this again. I wanted to cherish every moment with my father.
I raked my fingers through his blonde hair. He stirred, but only moved his head a little before he sighed and fell back to a deep sleep. "I love you, dad, please don't die" I silently sobbed. "I still need you, dad, Alice still needs you. You can't leave us" I said through sobs, tears streaming from my eyes.
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A/N: So, Edward's dream? Was it a bit much? Did you like it? What do you think about Carlisle?
I'm so thrilled about the responses I've been getting for the previous chapter. You guys are amazing and you motivate me to no end. Please keep the reviews coming because I really need to hear what you think.
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P.S I'm not a big fan of nickelback but that song has awesome lyrics!