Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Lyrics in this chapter belongs to:

Erase this - Evanescence

Hurt – Nine Inch Nails

1000 good intentions – Rise Against

Photograph – Suicide Silence

A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews on the previous chapter. And welcome to all of the new readers…please review, though. I can't help but feel sad when I see that BD has almost three hundred followers, but not ten percent of those three hundred takes the time to review :'( breaks my heart.

Please read the author's note at the bottom…it's a long one!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo OoO

Is it so hard for you?

Cause it's so hard for me

To believe that what we dream

Could ever come to life again

Cause I cannot erase this darkness in me

(Erase this – Evanescence)

Chapter Fifteen – My life; a perfect mess

BPOV

"I don't know what to say, Carlisle, it's…" I rubbed my forehead before sliding my hand down my face. My heart was torn into pieces at Carlisle's revelation about his illness. "It's breaking my heart to know this"

He clasped my hands between his own with a sad smile.

"I've made peace with it, Bella. My only wish now is to see my children happy before I die…all of my children" he emphasized the all. I lowered my eyes to our clasped hands.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle. I know I've hurt Edward when I walked away from him and by keeping his son away from him…from all of you" I said sadly.

"You made mistakes, Bella, we all make them, but you can't let the mistakes you make ruin your life. At some point you'll have to, not only forgive yourself, but Edward as well" he whispered. "Tristan needs the both of you" he added soothingly.

"I know you're right…I'm just…I'm just protecting my heart" I sighed.

"From whom?" he asked.

"Myself" I answered quickly, but Carlisle raised an eyebrow. I sighed before I added softly, "and from Edward"

He laughed softly. "I heard you're getting married" he asked.

"I promised Jake that I'll marry him, Carlisle, I gave him my word. I can't go back on that, not after everything he had done for me and my kids" I blabbered without even realizing it.

"Bella" he sighed, "please tell me that you're not binding yourself to a man – for life – just because you made a promise" he looked mortified. "You do realize it'll never work, right? Unless you love him – truly love him"

"I can't hurt him, Carlisle. I just can't" I tried to justify my decision, but my heart broke at the mere thought of binding myself to Jake for life. I love Jake, but not in the way that a wife should love her husband.

"But you're hurting yourself – and Edward – in the process. Sweetie, I love you like a daughter and I just want to see you happy before I die" I flinched at the word 'die'. My heart immediately went out to Edward. His pain killed me.

"I…ur…I should go see where Edward stormed off to" I said, desperate to get away from Carlisle's soft and pleading eyes.

"We'll talk later" he smiled knowingly. He knew I was running away from him. "If anyone asks, please tell them that I'm taking a nap" he said. I leaned over and kissed his forehead before I stood up and walked through Emmett's house. I had no idea where Edward stormed off to, but I wanted to make sure that he was alright. The tears in his eyes when Carlisle started telling me about his illness broke my heart.

I know I've been nothing more than a bitch to Edward. I had no idea why I acted like that towards him. Whenever we were in the same room together, I would feel anger towards him. I've deciphered that I was acting that way so that he wouldn't doubt my decision about Jake. If Edward knew how much I truly loved him…it would be over. I wouldn't be able to hide anything from him; not about Jake or the rape. Edward could never know about Abbey's father, never. He would hate me…he would think that I was damaged goods. I wouldn't be able to handle his rejection…again!

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time

The feelings disappear

(Hurt – Nine Inch Nails)

I was drawn to the piano playing down the hall. Tears sprung to my eyes when I recognized my lullaby. My heart sprung to my throat and I had to clasp my hands over my mouth to stifle the sob that was about to escape. It was as beautiful as I remembered it.

I held onto the doorframe as I stared at Edward's back. The soft melody stopped before he started playing a slow and sad – and very familiar - melody.

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole…the unfamiliar sting…try to kill it all away, but I remember everything" he sang softly. I remembered this song as soon as the first notes escaped his mouth. It was one of Eclipse's oldest songs…it was on the first album they released after I've left Edward. It had always reminded me of myself and the things I've done to Edward – how I left him and destroyed our lives. I always wondered about the song; was it about me?

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end…And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt…if I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself…I would find a way" the raw emotion in his voice brought more tears to my eyes.

"Haven't sung that in a while…where did that come from…?" he whispered in astonishment.

My feet dragged me towards Edward on their own accord, as if he had some sort of magnetic pull on me. My hand rose above his shoulder – lingering in the air for a second – before I laid it down softly. His head snapped around and looked startled for a second.

"I'm sorry" I whispered and was about to move my hand away, but he quickly gripped my hand and pulled it to his cheek.

"Edward-" I started saying, but he shook his head and closed his eyes.

"Don't" his voice sounded raspy and so sad. He swung his body around and was facing me now. He pulled me towards him – so I was standing in between his legs -, pushed his head into my stomach and rubbed his cheek against my sweater – taking a whiff – before he hid his face in my stomach.

"I need you, Bella, I need you so damn much" he whispered against my sweater, but I could feel his warm breath through my clothes and it sent shivers down my spine.

I stared down on the different shades of reds and browns, which created the most perfect mess of bronze. His hair was as unruly as I remembered it. I sighed before I jabbed my fingers into his soft hair. My nails scraped across his scalp, pulling lightly on his hair before I knotted pieces of it around my index finger.

A low moan erupted from his chest, sending my heart fluttering.

Warning signs went off in my head, but I ignored them as I reveled in the feel of Edward's arms around my body. He was sad…he had just learned that his father was dying. He needed comfort, I kept telling myself. But, as soon as Edward's hands fumbled with the hem of my sweater and dipped them underneath my sweater, I knew this was more than a comfort. His fingers traced my lower back ever so gently causing little whimpers to roll off of my lips.

"The song you just sang" I said the first thing that came to mind. I was enjoying his touch way too much and I needed a distraction – I needed to distract him. I feared that I would not have had the willpower to stop him.

He slowly raised his head and looked up at me – his hands still wrapped underneath my shirt – with eyes filled with sorrow and so much pain.

"Yes?" he prompted.

"I've always wondered what's it about?" I asked.

He sighed – trembling a bit – before he pulled his hands from under my shirt. He took my hand and pulled me towards the bench so I was sitting beside him.

"Remember the tattoo on my wrist?" he asked and seemed nervous.

I nodded and took his left hand – feeling very courageous all of a sudden – and raised the sleeve of his shirt. I laid the back of his hand on my lap and stared at the words on his wrist.

"This was the first tattoo I got-"

"You have more" I gasped.

He nodded. "Yup, and I'm busy designing my next one" he answered nonchalantly.

"Anyway, this tattoo was chosen in a moment of stupidity, but now…" he shook his head, "Now I can see a totally different meaning behind the words…it reminds me of where I was and where I am today" he explained.

"I…I don't understand" I sighed.

"When you left…you took everything with you; my beating heart, my lungs…my fucking life" he said in a gut-wrenching pain. "I stopped living when you walked away from me. I don't know if I should tell you this, Bella" he sighed, looking away from me.

"I want to know what you went through, Edward. Please tell me" I said softly, still rubbing the tattoo.

"I started using drugs and I drank a lot…I was living my life hard" he said as if he was in pain.

"What?" I gasped.

"I had no sense of anything. I tried to numb my pain with booze and drugs"

"I had no idea…I mean, I knew about the drinking…" I said and he looked at me with a frown. "The papers" I explained.

"Oh, yeah, the media" he chuckled.

"So, what happened?" I asked slowly, blowing out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding.

"Emmett woke me up…beat the living shit out of me…and threw my ass in rehab" he said while rubbing soothing circles on his chest.

"You were an addict?"

"Not really. It was close, though. Booze wasn't the problem, but the hard drugs I started using were becoming a really bad habit – a needy bad habit. I was in rehab for sixty days and never used drugs again. I still drink, but I control it to the fucking limit" he smiled.

"Wow, I never realized" I sighed.

"You thought my life was sunshine and roses after you left?" he chuckled, but it sounded pained.

"No, I didn't. I just…you were always the strong one in our relationship…I thought-"

"You were my strength, Bella, don't you know that? I could have moved mountains with you by my side; your love, faith and reverence was all I ever needed" he said hoarsely. "I was literally crippled when I came back to an empty hotel room"

"Please stop" I cried.

He pulled his hand off of my lap and took my leg and swung it over the bench so I was straddling the bench. He followed suit and we were facing each other now, and it made me nervous as hell. I could feel my pulse ringing in my ears.

"The song was written shortly after I came out of rehab" he explained. "I remember how good it felt to use drugs because it numbed me into a state where I didn't even know who I was, let alone who I've lost – you" he whispered. He took my hands into his own. "But using needles also proved to me that I was still alive…because – at some point - I became so numb that I actually thought that I was dead. Plus, I was afraid I had no feelings left because my chest felt so hollow as if someone punched a hole into my chest and ripped my heart out, leaving me numb and completely emotionless. But not before the excruciating pain almost killed me. After rehab I became this selfish fucking bastard who took his pain and hatred out on everybody that loved him. I had so much anger and hatred towards you, Bella" he explained while shaking his head. "There was a time that I found that hating you was easier – it soothed the pain to a point that I can't even describe to you. But, now…now that I've seen you again-"

"Please, Edward, don't" I begged again. I didn't want to hear this…I couldn't take the pain he went through because of me.

"I have forgiven you for everything, Bella, everything; the ultimatum, you leaving me, lying to me about Tristan…everything. Why can't you forgive me?" he asked.

"I…I don't know why? I'm trying, Edward, I really am…it's just hard" my voice trembled. I couldn't give him the real reason why I had to act around him. He wouldn't understand my obligation towards Jake…he wouldn't understand the promise I made. Fuck, not even Rosalie understands completely, but it was just who I was. Unlike Edward, I stick to a promise I made. He promised me since we were six years old that he would never hurt me…and he had, in the worst possible way; rejection. Now he wanted to get married…now that I had his son. Was I supposed to just fall into his lap and let him woo me back into his life? Was I supposed to break my promise to Jake – who had been by my side for almost ten years, helping me through everything I went through?

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't do it. I wasn't that kind of person and I would never be that person. Jake needed me and I made a promise to marry him. I was going through with my wedding…unless Jake broke it off, I would walk down that aisle. Even though it would cripple me…kill me…I couldn't and wouldn't let Jake down.

"Do you love me?" he asked out of the blue and my heart started beating faster.

"No" I looked away from him because I couldn't lie straight to his face, especially while looking into his piercing eyes. He would know that I was lying. I was startled when his hands gently cradled my face and pulled me to look at him. His green eyes pierced mine.

"Why don't you look into my eyes while you're saying that, Love" he whispered. My chest ached at the old nickname he used for me. My eyes pooled with tears.

Edward stared at me for a long while before his hands went around my lower back and pulled me against his body. I was not only straddling the bench but Edward as well. Fuck, this felt amazing and awkward at the same time.

His face was so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath wafting over my face. He licked his lips slowly while he moved his eyes down to my lips. Warning bells rang in my head again, but I wasn't in control of myself…I was powerless all of a sudden – as if in some kind of trance - as Edward's lips moved closer to mine. He was cradling my face again before his lips locked with mine, tenderly. The kiss was slow and soft as his lips moved over mine. My hands crept into his hair again and I moaned before I pulled his head closer to mine. A growl erupted from his chest causing his lips to vibrate against mine, eliciting the most powerful electric currents I've ever felt. It felt as if my lips was on fire; blazing with furious flames as his lips moved seductively against mine.

A pair of brown eyes appeared in my unstable mind and the hurt in them caused me an immeasurable amount of guilt. I quickly pushed against Edward's chest and gently pushed him away.

"Please don't" I whimpered. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this"

"Do you love me, Bella?" he asked hopefully.

I hardened my heart and looked him straight in the eyes. I had to act like I've never acted before…I would deal with the heartache when I was at my apartment.

"No, Edward, I don't" I lied blatantly.

His face contorted with mortification, and I saw that he believed me. The pain inside my chest was killing me, but I had to go through with this. He wasn't even supposed to be in Seattle, he was supposed to be in LA where it would have made my decision about Jake so much easier. He just fucked everything up by coming back to Seattle.

"Bella, no, you don't mean that" he gasped, still mortified.

"Yes, I do. I'm marrying Jake, Edward, you just have to accept that" I said. I removed my hands from his hair and tried to wiggle myself off of his lap. A deep crimson blush covered my cheeks when I failed miserably, falling back against Edward's chest. Edward wrapped his scorching hands around my hips and gently lifted me off of him.

I muttered a thank you before I stood from the bench and turned my back to him because tears were already pooling in my eyes.

"I'll fight like hell for you, Bella. I won't give up" he said to my surprise. I couldn't handle any more attempts from Edward…I'm not strong enough to resist him anymore. I was sure by the lie I told a minute ago that he would back off, but I was wrong.

"Well, like I told you before, you don't have to fight very long" I swallowed the bile that rose to my throat. I slowly walked to the exit of the music room.

"We'll see" he challenged before I left.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo OoO

After Sunday, Edward came to see Tristan every night. I was a nervous wreck around him because I had no idea when he would start pledging his love again. It scared the hell out of me to be honest. But, he never said anything or tried anything for that matter.

Edward had asked me if he could spend some time with Tristan and Abbey over the weekend. This surprised me because why would he want to spend time with Abbey? I told him that I couldn't let Tristan spend the night because I had no idea how Edward would handle my son…that was when he suggested that I tag along. He wouldn't tell me where we were going, but only that it was a surprise. I was angsty about not knowing where I was going this coming weekend.

I had a bad feeling about this weekend, but I couldn't refuse because Tristan overheard us while we were talking in the kitchen, and he begged me to say yes. I couldn't deny my son anything, so I agreed – with a fearful heart I might add. A whole weekend with Edward…alone – well, technically Tristan and Abbey would be there, but still.

Today was going to be hard because I was not only leaving for the weekend with Edward, but I also had a press conference. I was finally going to sit down and let these fuckers of the media ask me a couple of questions – which they so desperately wanted – the fuckers. The conference wasn't what bothered me, what bothered me were the fucking vultures asking the questions. Plus, I still hadn't figured out what to say about Abbey. I was afraid that Sam would find me…he would figure out that Abbey was his daughter. I had no idea what he would do with that fact, but it scared the hell out of me nonetheless.

"Are you alright?" Seth asked me with a worried expression.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"No, I'm not. I still don't know what to say if they ask about Abbey" I sighed. "They know who Tristan's father is, but they don't know about Abbey"

"You tell them to fuck off" he said angrily.

"Sure, that will send them flying" I said sarcastically.

"It's none of their business, Bella, besides your children has nothing to do with your music career"

"That's where you're wrong. When you become famous, everything about your life is on display, and your life becomes everyone's business" my voice trembled.

"Well, you already told Abbey that her father is dead, Bella, you have to stick to that story. Think about Abbey and what she'll go through if she finds out otherwise" he encouraged.

"I just hope that Sam doesn't figure it out" I sighed.

"He won't, besides, why would he care anyways? He raped you" he whispered in a hiss.

"I know that, Seth, but I can't help to think that Sam is a very sick man. I know he raped me, Seth, but what makes you think that he won't come after Abbey…or me. He was obsessed with me"

"Bella, you haven't seen or heard from him in six years. I bet he's far gone; probably feels like shit for what he did to you" he said while raising his arm and peeked at his watch. "I'm sorry, but we have to go in now. Are you ready?" he asked softly, gently laying his hands on my shoulders and giving them a little squeeze in comfort.

"Okay, I'm ready" I smiled.

We entered the building where the press conference was being held. Photographers immediately started flashing their cameras as I made my way to the front of the room where a table with an office chair awaited me. Seth pulled out the chair and I silently thanked him before I sat down.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman of the press" Seth said calmly, but I could hear the venom in his voice. He was pissed at everything these people published about me and my children.

I stared at the vultures; some of them holding a notepad with a pen while others had cameras pointing towards me. The flashes looked like lightning as they took photos none stop.

"Isabella Swan accepted this conference to answer a few questions. Keep in mind that she is not obligated – in any way whatsoever – to answer a question if she doesn't feel like it. Keep your questions discreet and please wait for her to pick you before you start your questions" he explained to them before he looked to me and winked, silently telling me that I could start.

Hands immediately stretched up; flicking their fingers and calling my name. I sighed. Here I go…

"You in the red dress" I pointed to a tall woman with flaming red hair.

"Is it true that Edward Cullen broke of his engagement with Tanya Denali because the two of you are back together?" she asked openly.

I cleared my throat before I lowered my lips to the microphone. "No, I can assure you that that is not true" I answered without elaborating. If these fuckers wanted to know something, they were going to have to drag it the fuck out of me.

"But-"

"Uh-uh," I cut her off and she frowned, "you had your turn. Who is next?" I grinned.

Everybody waved their hands again. I looked at every single one before I picked a dark-skinned lady with black hair and glasses.

"Why did you use a secret identity when you could have just used your own name? What's the difference?" she asked in a friendly matter.

"Well, first of all, I wanted to protect my children from people like you" I said honestly. "I didn't want their photos on the cover of every magazine or newspaper just because we spend a day at the park, or went out to McDonalds for lunch, or took a simple stroll. My children deserve better than that…they're kids, they need a life – and that life didn't include hiding from the media all the time" I answered flatly.

"And secondly?" she prompted.

"Secondly, I was protecting myself"

I picked another person; a short blonde man.

"Is it true that you work at a nightclub?" he asked.

"Yes, it's true. I've been working there for almost five years" I answered unashamed.

"Is it true that you kept Edward's son from him?" another man asked. I sighed.

"No comment" I decided to say. "I'm not here to answer questions about my children. And I'm sure as hell not going to discuss my personal life with you" I spat.

"Where is your daughter's father?" someone asked.

"He's dead" I said as calmly as I could. "That is the last question I'll answer about my children. They have nothing to do with this and please keep in mind that they are just children and they don't need the shit that you print in your reports. I'll take further steps if you print anything about my children ever again…I swear it" I growled.

"How can we believe that you and Edward Cullen aren't re-united?" another one asked.

"Because I'm engaged to be married in three weeks" I answered.

"Are you continuing your music-career?" the woman with the glasses asked again. I liked her…her questions were about Izzy and my music, not about my children or my love life.

"I have no idea. I haven't thought about it, but for now I'm done" I smiled.

"That's a pity because you are very talented. Are you aware that your album – Black Heart – is on top of almost all the charts?" she smiled back.

"Thank you, and no, I had no idea. Things were a bit hectic the last couple of days" I chuckled. "Seth" I whispered and turned to Seth, covering the microphone with my right hand.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I want that woman's name and number. I also want to know from which magazine or newspaper she is" I requested.

The rest of the afternoon was spent answering stupid questions, but I never answered anything about my children or my love life and/or personal life.

"I think that I've answered the questions that were needed to be answered. I do, however, have one more thing to say" I said slowly, yet venomously. "If you print anything about my children…I'll take legal steps. You have no right to drag my children into this mess I've created. They don't deserve this…leave them the hell alone" I hissed.

I stood up with a poisonous smile.

"Thank you" I said and started walking out the door. I waited for Seth outside – knowing that he was getting that reporters number. I wanted to make an appointment with her and give a full statement about my career without being bombarded with silly questions about Edward and Tanya. I was also thinking about taking Jake along so that she could make it pretty clear that I was indeed getting married.

Let's take it back to square one,

And figure out how all this bullshit began.

This is the end of my reality.

I'll hold my breath till I can't breathe

(O.C.D. – Suicide Silence)

"Mommy, mommy" I was greeted by a very eager Abbey when I returned home. I was exhausted at everything that was happening in my life. My emotions felt like a rollercoaster ride; Edward, Jake, Edward, Jake and Edward again. My mind swirled with memories of us together, but then my obligation to Jake would take over and consumed me with so much fucking guilt to the point where I couldn't sleep at night.

"Hey, baby-girl" I laughed softly as I crouched down and picked her up. "How was your day?" I asked.

"Tyler punched Alec in the face today" she giggled. My eyes widened in shock.

"What? Why?" I asked shockingly.

"He made fun of me again, you know, about my daddy, so Tyler punched him. Alec's nose was even bleeding" she said proudly.

"Baby, I know that it hurts you when Alec teases you, but it's never okay for someone – anyone – to get physical. It's not okay to fight, do you understand?" I explained.

"Okay" she sighed. "But he deserved it" she added quickly.

"So, is Tyler your new friend?"

"Yup" she popped the p. "I told him that my daddy was dead and when Alec called me a freak again, Tyler punched him" she said proudly again. I sighed. I wasn't going to get through to her; Tyler is my daughter's hero now and no matter what…she would see him that way.

"Are you ready for this weekend?" I asked instead of berating her again.

"Yes, yes, yes" she exclaimed in excitement. Her brown eyes were all sparkly as if there were millions of stars dancing in them. Her cheeks were flushed and she had the biggest smiled on her pretty little face. "Auntie Rosie helped us to pack, but Tristan was being difficult again. Rosie threatened to call Edward if he kept up with his stinky attitude" she spilled the beans on her brother with pride.

"Why was he being difficult?" I asked as we walked down the hallway to Tristan's room.

"He gave Rosie attitude about every piece of clothing she wanted to pack for him, and he told her that he isn't a baby anymore" she said proudly. I chuckled.

"Are you telling on me, Abbey?" Tristan said in annoyance when we entered his room. He was lying on his bed with a book in his hands.

She stuck her tongue out at him.

"It's the truth" she said.

"Doesn't give you the right to tell on me. Have I ever told on you?" he spat. "No, I haven't" he answered his own question. "Maybe I should tell mom how you steal cookies at night, or that you throw your dirty clothes back in the closet" he said, but I saw the sparkle in his eyes and knew he was teasing her.

Abbey gasped in my arms, "Trissie" she pouted and wiggled to get out of my arms. When her feet touched the floor she ran to him and jumped onto his bed, hugging him fiercely. "I promise I won't ever tell on you again. I promise, I promise, just don't say another word, please" she pouted again. I chuckled at the scene playing off in front of me. I winked at my son, feeling very proud of him.

"Okay, I won't say anything…just remember that I always have your back and I expect the same from you. We're brother and sister…we have to stick together" he said in mock seriousness.

"Okay, Trissie, I'll have your back" she nodded her head up and down fiercely.

"What is this I hear about dirty clothes?" I cocked an eyebrow at her. She gasped and looked at Tristan with narrowed eyes. I already knew about this little secret; I'm a mom. I found it funny that my daughter – who was a girl – wasn't nearly as neat as my son. I just hoped that she would grow out of it…one day.

He shrugged.

"I'm sorry, mommy, I won't do it again" she said sadly, but batted her eyelashes at me along with the cutest pout.

"That's not going to work, baby-girl, this is a very serious offense. Plus, stealing cookies?" I pretended to be shocked.

"I'm sorry, mommy, I won't do it again" she said again; copying her facial expressions from before.

I shook my head with laughter.

"The two of you will be the death of me" I chuckled.

I made my way across the room and fell onto the bed. Abbey climbed over me so that I was in between them. I lay on my back and they followed suit; each claiming a shoulder to lie on. We stared at the ceiling without saying a word.

"Thank you for doing this weekend with us. I love you, mom" Tristan finally broke the silence. I moved my head to his side and looked at him. I raised my hand and raked my fingers through his hair.

"I love you, too, Tris" I smiled, "the both of you" I hugged them tightly.

"This looks cozy" I heard his husky voice before I saw him. I felt Tristan go rigid in my arms.

I sat up, but my kids stayed down.

"Hey, Jake" I said nervously, "what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Do I need an invitation to come visit my fiancée?" he asked with a lazy smile.

"No, of course not, I just wasn't expecting you" I explained.

"Hey you two" he greeted my children. They sat up and said hello to him. I smiled, patting the both of them on their knees.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked and I nodded. I kissed my kids on their heads before I left the room with Jacob.

I went to my room with Jake following me. I felt nervous. Jake wasn't pleased with the idea of me spending the entire weekend with Edward.

I grabbed a suitcase and threw it on the bed; walking back and forth from the bed to the closet and throwing clothes into the suitcase.

"I don't like this, Bella" he started again.

I sighed, rubbed my forehead hard and narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'm not letting Tristan spend his first night with Edward alone, Jake, you should know me better than that" I forced out between my teeth.

"Yeah, I know, but still" he scratched his head.

"Jake, you can trust me" I said, but felt my stomach twist with guilt.

"I trust you" he said through narrowed lips while raking his hand through his thick hair, "it's that fucker I don't trust" he lashed out.

A low chuckle was heard from the door and both mine and Jake's heads shot up, looking at an amused Edward.

"Now that's one thing we have in common" he said clenching his jaw and made a move to turn around, but froze and turned back holding his index finger up. "Make that two things" he grinned as he winked at me. I gulped loudly as my face turned all kinds of reds.

Jake looked at me warily before he returned his eyes to Edward and crossing his arms over his chest.

"I finally meet the douche everybody's been talking about" Edward smirked sarcastically and I narrowed my eyes at him. He was being so rude and disrespectful. "I have to admit that I was expecting…I don't know" Edward raked his fingers through his hair, "someone less wolfy" he grinned. I stared at Edward with an open mouth. Wolfy? Really?

"I'm a douche?" Jacob spat in anger, but Edward stayed remarkably calm. "At least I didn't choose a stupid band and career over Bella. If anyone's a douchebag around here, it's you. I've actually never met anyone more stupid than you…you've lost the most beautiful and caring woman because of a stupid fucking career" Jacob growled.

"Jacob, Edward, stop this" I stepped between them.

"Mom, Dad, can we go now?" All of our heads shot up where Tristan was standing behind Edward. Edward's eyes widened in shock and he paled while fear crawled around in his emerald pools. It took him a few seconds to compose himself before he turned around to face our son.

"Sure, buddy" Edward smiled and crouched down so he was eye-level with Tristan. "We're just waiting for your mom to finish up, okay?" Edward said calmly.

"I'm done, actually, I'll just grab a few of my toiletries" I quickly said. I hardly recognized my own voice…I had no idea how much of Edward and Jacob's conversation Tristan had overheard. My stomach turned again.

Edward left my room without another word towards Jacob, and I looked sadly at the backs of my son and Edward. Edward had his arm around Tristan's shoulders.

"How dare you lose your temper like that?" I scolded Jacob. "Tristan could have heard everything"

He snorted.

"You're giving me grieve about this?" he asked astounded. "After what that fucker said to me…you're blaming this on me?" he poked himself, emphasizing the word 'me' with every poke.

"No, I'm not blaming you. All I'm saying is that Edward was calm while you lashed out like a fucking maniac and said things that my son should not hear" I placed my hands on my hips. "We'll continue this discussion when I get back on Sunday" I said with finality before I grabbed my vanity case and disappeared into the bathroom. I left him standing in my room. I felt guilty, but I quickly justified everything I've said. He had no right to throw that into Edward's face…not that I was trying to protect Edward or anything; I just didn't want my son to find out the reason behind mine and Edward's break-up.

I threw all of my toiletries into my vanity case and made another round to my room – to make sure I had everything. Jacob was nowhere to be seen and I feared that he was in the living room with my son and Edward.

"What happened between you and Jacob?" Rosalie asked behind me. I turned around and smiled sadly.

"Edward" I sighed. "That's what happened"

"Oh" she stretched the word out.

"You could have warned me he was here" I laughed.

"I wanted to, but Emmett came with Edward and I kinda got lost in the moment" she said.

"You are serious about Em, aren't you?" I smiled happily because I haven't seen my friend this happy in…well, I've never seen her like this actually.

"He asked me to move in?" she shrugged.

"What? When?" I asked exasperated. "I mean, isn't it a bit soon?"

"At the BBQ last Sunday" she answered. "I told him that I can't" she smiled sadly.

"I'm sure he understands, Rose. Em's a very understanding guy, but he wouldn't have asked you to take such a huge step if he wasn't serious about you" I cooed.

"I'm serious about him, too, but we've been together for two weeks, Bella, two weeks" she threw her hands in the air. "It's way too soon"

"Knowing Emmett, he'll wait for when you are ready. Don't let it bring you down, besides, you have your reasons for not accepting his offer" I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and hugged her tightly.

"You're right" she smiled as she pulled away from me. "Now, get your ass out of here and go have some fun with your kids…and the douche" she chuckled.

"You heard that?" I asked.

"Yup, Jacob was pretty loud. I think Tristan heard as well" she gave me a heads-up.

"Fuck, that was what I feared"

"He'll be fine. Now go" she pushed me out of the room, grabbing my suitcase on her way out.

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"How much further, Prince Charming?" Abbey asked with a bored sigh.

"About two more hours, Princess" he answered, looking in the rearview mirror.

She sighed again.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"You'll see" he smiled crookedly.

"Dad, can you at least put some music on that rocks?" Tristan asked. "This classical stuff is making me sleepy"

"Any requests?" Edward asked.

"Put one of your band's CD's in" Abbey answered before Tristan could.

I swallowed. I remembered how I used to listen to his music while crying myself to sleep. I bought every single album as soon as it was released.

"I don't have any…" he answered.

"I have one of your albums" Tristan said in excitement. He rummaged through his backpack – which he insisted on keeping it with him – before he fished out a CD. "Here you go" he held the CD out.

"Urm, Bella, do you mind putting it into the stereo?"

I took the CD from Tristan and gulped when I saw that it was the first album they released after I've left him. This was bound to bring back some memories – to the both of us.

The more we organize

We suck out this life that serves as the fuel behind

You wanna take the passion in my veins,

and put it down in black & white

You've got your foot directly on the gas

I watch you burn out so fast

Now I can see just what you've become,

and "How could something so right turn out so wrong?"

I don't have a backup plan

This is all that I am

And "How could something so right turn out so wrong?"

Not sure exactly where I am

(1000 Good intentions – Rise Against)

Tristan sang along with almost every word – knowing it literally by heart. Edward was silent when the music – his own music – started playing. I noticed how his jaw clenched and the muscle under his eye twitched slightly. I remembered how this always happened when he was either furious or nervous. If I could have looked into his eyes right now, I may have deciphered what the hell he was thinking, but he kept his eyes on the road, his hands clutching the steering wheel.

"Hey, dad, won't you miss your band?" Tristan asked.

"Nope" he popped the p. "I have everything I want right here" he finally met my eyes for a second before he focused on the road again.

"I want your new album" Tristan requested, or rather demanded.

Edward chuckled warmly, changing lanes before he met Tristan's eyes in the rearview mirror.

"I'll get you one, don't worry" he smiled.

I zoned out for a while, thinking about my life.

The day I had left Edward was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I had almost died of the love I had for him. I remembered how Charlie used to yell at me that my love for Edward Cullen was fucking unhealthy. He called it a sick obsession and later on he just called our love a curse. Those days were hard because Charlie and I were constantly fighting…until I had found out that I was pregnant. It was like an overnight change had occurred in my life, heart and soul. The so-called curse suddenly turned into a big fucking blessing – my words -, but it took Charlie a while to understand what I was going through.

A small smile formed on my lips as the memory of Tristan's birth appeared in front of me. I remembered how I screamed for Edward while tears ran down my temples. Rosalie and Charlie was in the delivery room with me – both offering their support. One was whispering that I needed to call Edward while the other whispered that we would get through everything without Edward's help. I smiled when I remembered how Rosalie fought with Charlie because of his ignorance concerning Edward.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward's voice brought me out of my reverie. I turned my head to look at him.

"What?" I asked.

"You're smiling…it can only be happy thoughts" he explained.

"I was thinking about Tristan's birth" I answered.

"Will you tell me about it?" he asked. His face – even from the side – was pulled in excruciating pain. Guilt overwhelmed me once again.

"Urm…" I looked to the back where Tristan and Abbey were playing rock/paper/scissors before I returned my gaze to him. They were unaware of our conversation.

"What do you wanna know?" I asked.

"Was the birth difficult?" he asked.

Flashes of my screaming face appeared before me; hearing myself call out Edward's name as contractions hit me…especially when I started pushing.

"Not really. He was born two hours after my water broke" I answered.

"I wish I was there" he said, crushing my heart into a pulp.

I dropped my eyes and fidgeted with my fingers, "I'm sorry" I whispered.

"Hey," he said, taking his hand off of the gears and rested it on my clasped hands. "Don't apologize, Bella. Like I said before, I've already forgiven you. I just…I'll never forgive myself for missing out on nine years of my son's life" he whispered softly so that Tristan and Abbey wouldn't hear.

"Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this with them here" I suggested softly, rolling my eyes to the back of the car.

"Will you tell me about everything you went through later?" he asked and I nodded.

We fell into an awkward silence again. I sighed while leaning my forehead to my side of the window. It would be dark soon. My eyes slid closed with the memory of Tristan's birth.

I started feeling pains at about 6 a.m. Charlie took me to the hospital at about 8 a.m. where the contractions became stronger and more intense. The pain inside my heart was so much worse, though. I was having Edward's baby and he wasn't here…he had no idea that I was in labor, or that I was even carrying his son. I never pictured the birth of my first baby to be like this – alone and heartbroken.

My water broke at the hospital and Tristan was born two hours later. He was 6 lb. 11 oz. and 20 inches. He was perfectly healthy. Charlie was very discreet about the whole delivery as he only stood next to my head and held my hand tightly. He never looked anywhere but at my face. Rose cut Tristan's umbilical cord – she was so fucking proud.

Charlie had called mine and Edward's love a damned curse, but as soon as he held Tristan in his arms he started crying uncontrollably. He placed a soft kiss on Tristan's forehead and then on mine before he whispered, "He is our beautiful disaster"

I remembered how I fought with him because he was calling my son a disaster, but when Charlie had explained himself, he kinda made sense – the way only Charlie could. He had a weird outtake on life and how he saw things.

"Tristan is not a disaster, Bella, he is the beauty that came from the crazy disaster of your and Edward's relationship" he explained. I was still mad at him and never understood what he was trying to say anyways, but I remembered how exhausted I was by giving birth and that I had no strength left in me to fight with my father about disasters and the beauty of it.

I remember the day

Just like it was in a photograph

Where nothing ever changes

and always stays the same

Where nothing ever changes

The memory stands still

(The Photograph – Suicide Silence)

I gasped when I saw the 'Welcome to Forks' sign. What were we doing in Forks?

"Edward, what are we doing here?" I asked him a little shaken up.

"My parents never sold their house; Dad refused to live here and Mom, well, mom moved to England as soon as we left the house" he explained. "They are so stubborn; they don't want to live here, but they don't want to sell the place either. I just figured that I could show Tristan where we grew up – where I grew up, as I'm sure that he already knows where you grew up" he said.

"So, where going to Pops' old house?" Tristan asked.

"Sure are, buddy, if you want?" Edward added a little unsure of himself.

"Are you kidding me? I'd love to see where you grew up" he exclaimed, punching his dad lightly on his shoulder.

"I just have to make a quick stop to pick up the pizzas I ordered before we left Seattle" he explained as he stopped in front of the pizzeria. Tristan and Abbey were ecstatic because of the pizzas. Edward returned with the pizzas, running to get out of the pouring rain.

He started driving through the streets of Forks and before I knew it we were on the familiar road to his parents' house, and when he turned onto the hidden gravel road, my heart jumped into my throat. I haven't been here in years…there was so many memories here.

As we drove up the driveway, my eyes caught the three story mansion. Windows everywhere I looked…remembering how Esme always explained how she loved her house to be open and full of light. When Carlisle and Esme bought this piece of land, they specifically asked the architect to design a house consisting mostly of windows – seeing as Forks was dark and grey enough with the constant rainy and cloudy days.

"Whoa" Abbey and Tristan said at the same time.

"You lived here?" Abbey asked in awe.

Edward chuckled in amusement. He parked the car in front of the garage before he turned to face Abbey.

"Yeah, I actually grew up here" he said.

"I can't wait to see the inside" Tristan said, still wide-eyed and in wonder.

"Let's go then" Edward said just as excited.

I climbed out of the car and stared up at the huge mansion. I always envied Edward for having such an amazing house to grow up in, but when I've gotten to know the people inside the house, I've realized that they had just as many flaws as Charlie and I had. That even though my house was small with only two bedrooms, Charlie and I was close and our home was filled with love and respect.

Carlisle and Esme were constantly fighting about the stupidest shit. Edward was always pissed at his mother for giving his dad so much shit. Plus, Edward always felt like shit when they fought in front of us because he was very proud and was ashamed that his family was so full of shit.

That's when I realized that a big fucking mansion couldn't make people happy or feel loved. I remembered how I went home – after this realization – and hugged my father tightly and told him how much I loved and respected him.

Tristan and Abbey were jumping around in excitement when we entered the house. The first floor consisted of the living room, dining room, kitchen and Carlisle's study. The living room and dining room were open-plan and the shiny black piano was still in the corner of the 'entrance' where Edward had played numerous times for Esme's guests. The entrance of the kitchen was on the other side of the house where it also led to the backyard, but not before you entered a huge room with an indoor swimming pool, Jacuzzi, pool table and a huge bar. I remembered how much fun we used to have in this entertainment room.

The second floor had three bedrooms; Carlisle and Esme's room, Alice's room and a guest room – each with their own en-suite bathroom. The third floor had two bedrooms and a huge room which they renovated into a music room for Edward, Alice and Emmett.

Edward showed everybody to their rooms; I was taking Esme's room, Abbey was taking Alice's room and Tristan was taking Emmett's room. Obviously, Edward would be in his own room.

"How is this place still clean and fully stocked?" I asked Edward after we settled in. Edward and I were in the kitchen and it was when he had opened the fridge that I gasped and asked him the question.

"Well, mom has a housekeeper and a gardener that comes in once a week" he explained. "I asked Emily – the housekeeper – to stock the fridge. I knew we would arrive late"

"Okay" I said and we were suddenly surrounded by awkwardness.

"Mom" Tristan came running into the kitchen with Abbey short on his heels. "Dad told me that he had a tree house and that it's in the backyard"

I laughed.

"Yeah, and it's pretty awesome" I chuckled.

"You've seen it?" he asked.

"When I was little, I used to play there all the time" I told him.

"You never told me that you and dad grew up together" he said wide-eyed.

"It never came up"

"Dad, can we please see the tree house?" Tristan asked Edward. Edward had a weird smile plastered on his face when I caught his eyes. His hands were tucked into his hoodie pockets as he kept staring at me. I lowered my eyes, breaking the spell between us.

"It's pouring outside, Tris, and it's already dark. I'll show you in the morning, okay?" Edward said.

"Okay" he sighed in defeat.

I grabbed some plates from the cupboard – still remembering where Esme kept them. Edward poured the drinks while I dished up for Tristan and Abbey. Edward and I helped ourselves before all of us took our seats in the dining room. We ate in silence, well, Edward and I ate in silence. Tristan and Abbey couldn't stop blabbering about the tree house and the awesome swimming pool. I caught Edward's eyes on me a couple of times and it made me uncomfortable and wanted at the same time. Fuck, I was crazy. A mental fucking loon.

After we finished our pizza, Tristan and Abbey grabbed the glasses and disappeared into the kitchen with them. Edward helped me with the plates and the left-over pizza.

"Mommy, can we pick out a movie to watch?" Abbey asked, batting her eyelashes at me. I smiled at her stunt.

"On one condition" I held my index finger up. Abbey looked warily at the finger, biting her bottom lip.

"What's the condition?" she asked slowly.

"I want you and Tristan to take a bath first" I said seriously. Abbey started moaning, but Tristan grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the kitchen. "But, Trissie, you know how much I hate to bath" I heard her complain until they were too far away to hear more.

Edward and I laughed softly before we fell into an awkward silence. I took a seat on the island that was situated in the middle of the kitchen. The cold granite made me flinch until my body warmed it.

"Can I ask you something?" he suddenly asked

"Depends on the question?"

"Were you in love with Abbey's father?" he asked and blew me away. My eyes locked on his. He waited in anticipation, but there were also shadows of fear and anxiety crisscrossing each other.

"No!" I said a bit harshly.

"I don't understand, Bella" Edward sighed in exasperation, rubbing his forehead harshly.

"I don't want to talk about this" I said, feeling my lips quivering as a sob started building in my throat.

"There was something else I wanted to know" he said.

"What?" I asked rudely.

"Does Tristan have my name?" he asked nervously.

I gasped.

"No" I said softly. I dropped my eyes to the floor away from his peering eyes. "He is Tristan Swan"

"So, even after you deprived me my son, you refused to give him my name, too?" he accused.

"Edward, you didn't want me, remember? My son-"

"Our son" he corrected me.

"Our son was born a Swan because a Cullen chose a music career above everything else" I said infuriated.

"I didn't know about him" he hissed.

"You would have chosen me if you had known I was pregnant?" I spat, my voice dripped with sarcasm. "That's just peachy and so fucking kind of you"

"Dammit, Bella" he raked his fingers through his hair. "I came back to the hotel with a fucking engagement ring…I was going to ask you to marry me" he yelled, slamming his hand on the hard granite of the island that I was sitting on. I jump as the sound startled me and echoed through the kitchen.

"No, you're lying" I gasped, my heart sprinting away.

"No, I'm not" his jaw was clenched, the muscle underneath his eye twitched, his eyes turned dark and his lips was pierced into a narrow line. He was angry…that much was clear.

"Why would I believe you? How can I be sure that you're not only saying that?"

"Because it's the fucking truth. I'll show you the fucking receipt, which has a date on" he grimaced, "and, yes, I've kept the ring and the fucking receipt"

"No, no, no" I shook my head.

"I begged you to stay so we could talk, Bella, but you left because I didn't fall onto my knees straight away. You were selfish and so fucking wrong in everything you demanded that day, Bella" he lashed out. "You destroyed our lives, Bella. You did that, not me, you"

A sob escaped my mouth as tears pooled in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks.

"I know I was wrong in a lot of things I said that day, but I begged you, I fucking pleaded with you to wait before you make any final decisions. You should have waited" he accused before he stormed out of the kitchen.

He left me there crying softly. My heart was crushed at the realization that I've fucked up. I have destroyed Edward's life – throwing him into the life of drug and alcohol abuse. I have destroyed my own life – raising Tristan on my own, the rape, Abbey…

I have done that to myself. I had no one else to blame but myself. I've caused my own heartache, misery and anguish. I've robbed my son of a life with his father because I was too fucking selfish and stubborn to hear Edward out.

"Mommy" Abbey said softly. I looked down where she was pulling on my jeans. "Please don't cry" she begged with a wobbling chin and quivering lips.

I picked her up and pulled her to my chest, kissing her head a couple of times while I composed myself.

"I'm sorry, baby" I apologized.

"Why are you sad?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I don't know, baby, but I'm feeling better now that you are here" I smiled.

She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck and hugged me fiercely. Holding my daughter in my arms, I couldn't come to regret her. She and Tristan were my life – Abbey was the good that came from leaving Edward. I know that sounded weird or fucked-up even, but I couldn't regret my daughter. She was the light in my life, even though I could have spared myself a lot of misery and pain by not leaving Edward, I couldn't regret my daughter. Never!

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When I first started this story – with just a few scenes playing off in my mind – I wrote a few scenes/chapters that I wanted in the story. That's how I always start a story; write a few basic scenes and then I work from there. I'm not changing anything because those plots made me write the story. Like I said before; Carlisle's illness and Bella's wedding was two of those things that I wanted in this story. Yeah, I know a few of you are going to hate Bella – some of you already does – and some of you are going to stop reading this story altogether. I promise, however, if you stick with me and BD, I'll give you a HEA! But not before a few more angsty moments and before shit hits the fan *grins*.

If you decide to stop reading, I'll understand. I know this a long story and seem to be dragged out, but there's so much shit to cover – I actually never thought about that when I started this story. I hate when I read a story and the plot is amazing and everything, but then the story is so rushed that it fucks up everything. I'm sorry if some of you are not satisfied with the pace, but I can't just rush into certain things.

One thing that I do regret, though, was bringing in different POV's. This was actually an Edward's POV story, but – why I wouldn't know – I decided to do it in both of their POV's. I should have stuck with only Edward's POV…maybe the story wouldn't have dragged…I don't know. Now, I'm trying to cover both of their POV's so you won't miss anything.

Anyway, what did you think about this chapter…I know, I know, it was a bit boring. It was a bit of a filler chapter. I'm not even going to ask you what you think about Bella and her crazy mind…You hate her, I know. LOL.

There's a surprise in the next chapter…and I'm pretty sure that you're going to hate me. But, good news, we're almost at the reconciliation; it's not going to be easy for Edward to get to that point though. You'll see why soon enough. I actually can't wait to get to that chapter, to hear your emotions and thoughts. *Grins evilly*

Do you guys think that at least fifty percent of you can review this chapter? The next chapter is written…and I'll post it if you're nice…pwetty pleasseeeeeeeeeeeee!