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Lyrics in this Chapter belongs to:
One – Metallica
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Chapter Seventeen – Never
I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
(One – Metallica)
EPOV
"Edward, slow down" Rosalie hissed in panic.
I ignored her ranting as I sped through the streets of Seattle. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I thought about Bella marrying Jake this coming Wednesday.
I parked my car in front of Bella's apartment building and was about to get out when Rosalie grabbed my arm.
"Rosalie, this is not the time-"
"Edward, let me just get Abbey and Tristan out of there before you talk to Bella" she requested.
I slapped myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand.
"Fuck, I'm sorry. You're right" I ranted, "Thank you for coming with. Take my car keys and take them for a milkshake or something" I rambled like a crazy person. I was in shock…no, shock was a fucking understatement.
"Hey, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish I could help you" she sighed.
"I have to get through to Bella. I just have to" I said.
We climbed out of the car and made our way to Bella's apartment as quickly as we could. My heart was pounding in my throat when I stood in front of her door. I raised my hand and instead of knocking I banged my fist against the door.
"Edward" she gasped as the door flew open and she saw me standing in front of her.
"Can I come in?" I asked, clenching my jaw. My heart was unable to beat as I already felt dead. It would kill me if she married that fucking douchebag. It would literally kill me.
"I don't think that is such a good idea" she said. Rosalie stepped into Bella's view and Bella's eyes widened in surprise.
"Rose, what are you doing here?" she gasped.
"I live here, remember. We just left in such a hurry that I forgot my keys" she explained.
Bella had no choice but to move so we could enter. Rosalie immediately went down the hall into Tristan's room.
"I can't see you, Edward" Bella whispered in a hiss.
"Tough fucking shit" I hissed back.
Tristan and Abbey were ecstatic when they saw me. After I held Tristan and Abbey and comforted them, Rosalie took them out to have a milkshake. Bella glared at me and as soon as Rosalie left she went to the kitchen.
"Abbey has really taken a liking in you" she smiled but it hadn't reached her eyes.
"She's not the only one – I really love her, Bella" I said.
"Edward, you are not her father-"
"I fucking know that, Bella. Fuck," I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I love her, Bella, I love your fucking daughter so much and I don't care if she doesn't share my DNA…I fucking love her as if she was mine. I want her to be mine, Bella" I yelled back in hurt. Couldn't she have seen how much I loved Abbey? Was she truly that blind that she was unable to see how much I've fucking changed?
I know I've put Bella through hell. I know I've ripped her heart into pieces by saying the things I had ten years ago. I know I've left her pregnant and that she had suffered through life on her own. But, my life wasn't as peachy either. My heart was ripped out, too. My heart was broken, too.
My life was a fucking mess for ten years, even though I was in denial for the most part of it. I found out a month ago that I was a father…so, yeah, my life was a fucking mess, too, but I have tried everything in my power to show this woman that I fucking loved her. I have forgiven her completely and even love her more than I ever had. Why was it so hard for her to do the same? Was our love really a teenage-fling to her? Was our love truly dead to her?
"I'm sorry, Edward, I had no idea you felt that way" Bella apologizes.
"It's fine, Bella, but never doubt my feelings for Tristan and Abbey" I forced out, "and you" I added.
Her eyes widened again, "Don't start with that again, please" she moved farther away from me.
"Why are you agreeing to marry Jake?" I asked. "Why the rush?"
"I don't know why he moved the date up, but he already did and everything is planned" she answered stoically.
"Please don't marry him, Bella, I'm begging you" I whispered hoarsely. My heart was shattered.
"I won't hurt Jake like that, Edward, I'm not that kind of person. How many times do you wanna do this before you'll realize that I'm not backing out of this?" Bella asked.
"Until the day I die, Bella" I swallowed the sob that was about to escape my mouth.
"You can't keep doing this to me, Edward. Please, just leave" she held onto the countertop she was leaning against.
"I won't leave, Bella. Why are you so fucking adamant about marrying this guy?" I yelled. "You have no love – not one fucking emotion – in your eyes to back you up. So don't even spew shit that you love him. I can fucking see that you don't love him"
"You don't know me, Edward, not at all. You have no idea what I've become and who I love or not" she yelled back.
"I've known you since you were six years old, Bella. I remember the first day you walked into my class and I remember how I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. I knew back then that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you-"
"You sure as hell had a fucked up way of expressing that ten years ago" she yelled furiously.
"Bella, I already told you-"
"Yea, you came back with a ring" she interrupted me again, waving her hands in the air. "But, why couldn't you have chosen me before you left that hotel room, Edward. You made me believe that you would never marry me. You made me believe that I meant fuck all to you" she fell to the floor into a sobbing mess.
I couldn't stop the tears that had already rolled down my cheeks. I took two big steps until I fell down beside her. I gently cradled her face and looked into her broken eyes. Rivers of tears flowed down her cheeks and her sobs became louder.
"Love, please don't cry" I sobbed, "Please, it breaks my heart to see you like this" my voice were thick with sobs. "I'm sorry" I whispered against her ear. "I'm so sorry" I kissed her temple. "I'm sorry" I kissed her forehead. I kept repeating my actions as Bella and I cried together. Her hands fisted my shirt and she kept hitting me over and over again.
"You rejected me" she sobbed against my chest. "You threw the love I had for you back into my face, Edward"
"I'm sorry, Bella" I whispered. My hands that were cradling her face were shaking. I gently wiped her tears with my thumbs, but more spilled over the brims of her beautiful brown pools. So much sorrow, anguish, pain and bitterness mixed together in her eyes creating nothing but emptiness…hollowness.
"I needed you. I fucking cried myself to sleep every single night. I barely lived, Edward" she whispered hoarsely, "And you're sorry?" she asked, pulling her face in disgust.
"What do you want from me, Bella? What more do you want?" I gasped. "I don't know what to do to prove to you that I regret everything that happened that day. I don't know what to do" I shook my head sideways. "I love you, Bella, and I don't know how to show you that you are everything to me. I don't know how to prove to you that my feelings for you are real and that I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I don't know how to get through to you, Bella" I cried. "What can I do to prove to you how much I love you?" I asked pleadingly.
She looked straight into my eyes.
"You want to prove it to me?" she asked softly.
I nodded, "I'll do anything" I said fiercely.
"Anything?" she asked.
"Anything, Bella"
"Then walk out of that door and leave me be, Edward. Accept that I've moved on and forget about me" she said. My eyes widened and my face paled. I backed away from her as the reality of the situation sunk in; she wanted me to prove that I loved her by leaving her alone? She wanted me to prove my love for her by letting her marry Jake?
I shook my head, "Anything but that, Bella" I whispered mortified.
"Then you don't love me as you so desperately pledged a few minutes ago" she spat.
"I do love you, but I'm not letting you go. You're asking the impossible" I yelled in exasperation. "I have two days to fight for you, and fight I will. How can you even ask me to let you go? That would only prove that I'm a pussy and not care at all" I frowned.
"Leave, Edward, now!" she yelled in hysterics while more tears escaped her eyes. "I've told you numerous times that I don't love you. What more do you want?" she cried. I had no idea who this woman was that stood in front of me. She wasn't my Bella; the soft, caring and loving Bella. She was smothered in bitterness and hate and so much fucking pain that it killed me just to look at her. My heart ripped out of my chest bone every time she told me that she had no love for me.
"For you to really mean it, Bella, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me, I'll walk away" I yelled back. Both our chests were heaving from all the yelling.
"I have told you, and I have meant every fucking word. Now, leave my house" she screamed hysterically.
"Bella, love, what's going on with you? You don't seem happy at all-"
"I'll be happy once you leave" she forced out between clenched teeth. I could see how irritated and frustrated she was. I also knew that we wouldn't resolve anything tonight. We were fighting like two teenagers and the fight just circled around, and then we would start again. Bella wasn't giving in and neither was I.
"Fine, I'll leave. But, I'll come back tomorrow, Bella. I want some fucking answers" I rubbed the back of my neck. "I wanna know what the fuck happened to you? And don't tell me that it's because of what happened ten years ago because there's no way in hell that I'm the only one who've hurt you. I know I've fucked up, heaven knows I've fucked up, but something more happened to you, Bella. I want to know what happened?" I sighed as the final words left my mouth. She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at me. She just stood there without saying anything.
I'm waking up I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
(One – Metallica)
My entire body was in pain. Bella was so stubborn and so fucking persistent in marrying this guy that it felt I have already lost her. Why…why was she so adamant about marrying this guy? Why would she agree to marry him when he moved the date up? Why had he moved the date up? That was the real question here.
"I can see that we're not getting anywhere tonight, so, I'll go, but I'll be back tomorrow, Bella" I sighed in defeat. My heart was in excruciating pain, and I wanted to numb it so badly.
"Fine" she spat. My eyes locked on hers for a second; cold, hard eyes stared back at me. I shook my head because, once again, Bella was unfamiliar to me. I hardly recognize her. It was as if her soul was…dead!
I walked out of her apartment without so much as another word. I slammed the door hard, but couldn't find it in me to walk away. My body slipped down the door and I bit down on my fist to stifle the sobs that came. Why did I have a feeling that I've already lost Bella?
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me
(One – Metallica)
I had no idea for how long I've sat in front of Bella's door, but I remembered that my children would be returning soon and I didn't want them seeing me like this. I left with a heavy heart and an empty soul.
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The last two days went by way too fast. After I had left Bella's apartment on Sunday, she had disappeared. She left a letter with Rosalie that simply said: "If you won't let me go, then I'll do it for you. Please leave me alone, Edward"
Rosalie had no idea where she was and neither Tristan nor Abbey knew. Rosalie was sad about this because it was a sign that Bella didn't trust her enough to have told her where she was going.
Tristan and Abbey was spending time with me until after Bella's honeymoon. Bella picked them up at school, though, and took them out for the day. Then she would drop them off at Rosalie's, and Rose would bring them to me. It was so fucking unnecessary and so confusing, especially for Tristan and Abbey. They had no idea what was going on, but Bella explained to them that she was busy with the wedding-plans and that they had to stay with me for a while. They had no idea where Bella was, but told me that she was probably at Jake's house.
It took everything not to go to his house and fuck up his dog face. But, I figured that I was already number one on Bella's shit list, and I sure as hell wasn't going to add to the list. She already hated my guts and probably thought I was a piece of shit. I hadn't given up on her, though, I was planning to go and see her before she gets married. Yup, I was going to fuck her wedding up…well, not entirely, but I was going to find her before she walked down that aisle. Because even if I had to barge into that church before the 'I do's' I would fucking do it in a heartbeat.
My plans were set and Rosalie promised that she would let me know where Bella was getting dressed. Rosalie was the maid of honor and would obviously have known where Bella would be tomorrow morning.
I tried to call her, but she denied my calls. I've left hundreds of text messages, but it stayed unanswered. Now, I knew that the feeling I had Sunday night at her door, that feeling that I've already lost Bella, was on the spot. She was making sure that I wouldn't stand a chance with her.
My life was in such a mess right now. If I was going to lose Bella…
I shook my head at that thought.
I couldn't even…
The mere thought brought me to my knees and had me bawling my eyes out. It had my heart ripped from my chest and left an empty hole, which was excruciating.
Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell
(One – Metallica)
If I couldn't have gotten through to Bella tomorrow, then I would be a miserable man at best. Sure, I had my son and daughter to fill my days with their presence. Their love, admiration, passion and reverence would fulfill my life in more ways than one. Their love alone would fill my soul that I at least would be able to live. Fuck, they were everything to me, and I needed them like like lungs needed air to breathe. I wouldn't have been able to survive without them in my life.
"Dad?" Tristan's voice was wary and I knew he wanted to ask me something, but wasn't sure how.
"Hmm?" I hummed. Tristan was lying in his bed – well, technically it was one of Emmett's beds – and I was about to tuck him in for the night.
"Is Pops really dying?" he asked.
I gulped as my eyes widened.
"What? How did you-"
"I overheard Em and Pops talking" he interrupted me. "I wasn't eavesdropping, I was looking for Emmett and that's when I heard them" he explained quickly. My son was so straight forward. I loved that about him. If he wanted to know something he would ask me. He had no care in the world if it wasn't meant for his ears. He also hated lies, which was mine and Bella's fault, and would rather be told the truth – no matter how painful it would be, or how hard. Sometimes, I wondered if he really was nine-years-old…
"Pops is very ill. He has a brain tumor-"
"Brain tumor?" he interrupted me.
"It's cancer, Tris, Pops has brain cancer" I sighed, tears burning my eyes. I still haven't come to terms with my father's illness. It just…it was just so hard to believe. He could die any moment. What bothered me was that he had already accepted it, and refused to go for treatments. He claimed that even with treatments, the tumor would grow back…he would constantly be in and out of hospital, and he downright refused. His stubbornness reminded me of Bella.
"Can't they help him?" he asked with a trembling voice. His chin wobbled slightly and I noticed how his eyes had unshed tears in them.
"No, buddy, they've done everything they could" I pulled him from under the blankets and wrapped him in my arms, holding him to my chest. "Besides, pops want to spend the time he has left with his family and not in hospitals. His biggest wish was to meet you"
His head snapped up to look at me. My heart ached to have seen tears running down his beautiful face.
"Really?" he asked.
"Really, really" I smiled. "His wish is fulfilled, buddy, and now he just wants to spend time with you…get to know you better"
"I'm so happy that I can be here with you and Pops. I just…I don't want him to die" he cried softly.
"Me neither, Tris" I felt a single tear roll down my cheek and sniffled softly.
I held my son tightly while he cried softly into my chest. It broke my heart to have heard his soft sobs. It damned near killed me.
"Thanks, dad" he wiped his eyes with his little fists. "For telling me the truth and for being here with me"
"Tris, there's no place I'd rather be than right here with you" I smiled.
"So, Emmett's taking us to mom tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yup" I popped the p. Fuck, I was nervous about tomorrow. I also had a really bad feeling…like everything was going to blow up in my face.
"I don't want her to marry Jake. I just…" he shook his head.
"What, Tris?" I prompted.
"I told her once that I don't want her to marry Jake, but she assured me that she's happy with Jake and that I shouldn't push her. She said that she just wanted to be happy for once" he shrugged. "Is it selfish of me to want you guys to get back together?"
"No, Tristan, it's not selfish at all. You've never had the privilege to see your mom and dad together and it's perfectly normal to wish for us to get back together. A lot has happened between your mom and me" I raked my fingers through my hair, "it's just complicated right now. I wish I could take everything I had done back…you deserve to be happy, Tris" I said sadly.
"I am happy, dad, the happiest I've ever been. I have you in my life…something I've wished for ever since I can remember. I love you, dad, and even though you and mom won't be together, I'll still have you in my life. That makes me happy" he smiled.
"I love you, Tristan, so much" I pulled him back into my arms and hugged him fiercely.
I helped him to get back under the blankets and kissed him on his head.
"Goodnight, dad" he smiled. He turned to his side and tucked his hands underneath his pillow, rubbing his cheek on the pillow before he closed his eyes.
"Night, Tris" I whispered.
I went to Abbey's room to see if she was still awake, but I doubted it because she loved her sleep-time. I peeked into the room and a frown formed on my forehead when I saw her crying.
"Princess?" I whispered. I hastily made my way over to her bed.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you would come back" her lips quivered as more tears escaped her pretty eyes.
I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and leaned down to kiss her.
"Why are you crying?" I asked sadly.
"I don't want Jake to be my daddy" she hiccupped, "I wanted you to be my daddy"
"Oh, Princess, come here" I had to swallow my sob back. She crawled onto my lap and I wrapped my arms safely around her. I rocked our bodies back and forth until her hysterical sobs calmed a bit.
"I'm sorry, Prince Charming, but my heart hurts really bad" she sulked.
I leaned forward and placed my lips on her head, desperately trying to stifle the painful sob that escaped my lips.
"You don't have anything to feel sorry about, Princess" I whispered when I felt brave enough to speak. "I'm honored that you want me to be your daddy" I smiled.
"But mommy's marrying Jake and that would make him my new daddy" she lowered her eyes and played with the hem of her pajama shirt.
"No, Princess, you don't have to call him daddy if you don't want to" I swallowed, not knowing if I was doing the right thing, but, fuck, it felt right because she was my little girl. She was mine, not his.
"I don't?" she looked up at me in complete surprise.
I shook my head, "No, you don't. No one will force you to call him 'daddy' just because your mommy married him. I'm sure that Jake will understand, Princess" I smiled. I would kill the fucker if he forced her to call him 'daddy', fucking prick.
"I want to call you 'daddy'" she looked shy, as if she had said the wrong thing.
"Really?" I asked astounded with my heart beating like crazy. My emotions were all over the place. My princess wanted to call me daddy…she wanted me to be her daddy.
"Yes, really, really. I love you so much, Prince Charming, and you already feel like my daddy. You play with me, you do stuff for me, you read me stories and you pretend to be Prince Charming…that's what daddy's do, right?"
"That's not all they do, Princess" I smiled while tears streamed unashamedly down my cheeks, "They also love you unconditionally. I love you, so, so much. You are my Princess, my daughter-" I was silenced when Abbey jumped back into my arms and hugged my neck fiercely. I chuckled while holding her. Complete contentment filled my heart and soul, completing my very existence. I had no idea when I realized that Abbey was part of me, part of my life. I couldn't have cared less if she wasn't my daughter in blood, she was my fucking daughter. I would go to hell and back for her and fight like hell for her. I couldn't even imagine my life without her.
"I love you," she screeched before she looked up and into my eyes, "Daddy" she added. My chest felt as if it was going to explode as her love overwhelmed me. I felt so fucking proud to hear those words out of her mouth.
"I love you, too, Princess" I chuckled. "Let's get you to bed, it's way over your bedtime"
She crawled back under the sheets with the biggest smile plastered on her face. Abbey reminded me of the sweet six year old Bella whom I laid eyes on for the very first time.
After I left Abbey's room, I dropped to my knees and literally bawled my eyes out. Fuck, that was the most emotionalist thing I've ever gone through.
"Edward?" I heard Rose's voice, but kept my hands over my eyes. I wasn't in the mood for her shit right now.
"What happened?" she asked.
I only shook my head. I felt her hand on my shoulder, giving me a tight squeeze as some sort of comfort. I smiled. How far had Rose and I come? Two weeks ago she wouldn't even look at me, let alone greet me. But, now, now we're like siblings…well, almost. I smiled again.
"Abbey was crying because she wants me to be her daddy and not Jake" I laughed without any humor.
"What?" she crouched down beside me and I started telling her what had happened between Abbey and me. Rose had tears by the time I finished the story. For the first time Rosalie hugged me freely. She held me tight and whispered that she was going to try everything in her power to stop Bella from marrying Jacob. I sighed, thankful that I had an accomplice, but the fear in my heart was still lingering because the chance that I would lose Bella forever was still there.
"I'll be right back" Rosalie smiled as she let me go, "If Emmett asks where I am, just…I don't know, make something up"
"Rose, wait" I said, but she started running away from me. I had no idea what just happened, but Rosalie was gone.
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Rosalie's POV
"Open this fucking door, Jacob Black" I banged on his door over and over again until my hand felt like it was going to break off of my arm.
The door flew open with a very disoriented looking Jake standing behind it. It was obvious that he was sleeping.
"Where's Bella?" I barged into his house, pushing him out of the way.
"What? Rosalie, what the fuck is wrong with you?" he rubbed the back of his neck.
"Bella!" I yelled at the bottom of the stairs.
"She's not here" he answered. "I don't understand, Rosalie, Bella is at her apartment" he said.
"No, she's not" I spat. "Where is she?" I asked again.
"She's not here, fuck, what the fuck is your problem?" he asked in confusion.
I looked at him and it was clear to me that he had no idea where Bella was. I was so pissed at Bella for leaving the apartment. This was not something Bella would do. This side of Bella was so fucking frustrating.
I knew Bella, fuck, I've known Bella for ten years now, and I know for a fact that she wasn't in love with this piece of shit. She was marrying him because she made a promise to him years ago, fucking years ago. She felt that she owed him her life because he took care of her after she left Edward. He was a good friend to her and always stood by her side. After the rape…Jake and I was the only people Bella trusted. Jake would sleep in Bella's bed after she begged him to not leave her side. She had so many nightmares and would wake up in cold sweat. Jake was always there, calming her and taking care of her.
After a while, Bella believed that she was over Edward, and she believed that she had fallen for Jake. I never blamed her because Jake was constantly there, not giving her the space she needed – even though she hadn't wanted it. She fucking needed it, and I knew that it wasn't good. Jake's presence were confusing Bella and it hadn't given her time to deal with what had happen with Sam and Edward.
Fuck, she still believed two months ago that she was over Edward. Until that fucker showed up at Twilight…I saw that she wasn't even close to being over Edward. She still loved him, but she denied it. Laughed it off as if I was fucking crazy.
Even after Edward had proven to her – to all of us – that he still loved her and would do anything for her, she still refused him. I knew that Bella was protecting her heart against Edward. He had hurt her once and she believed that he would do it again. She actually took no blame for everything that went down ten years ago. She took absolutely no blame for forcing him to choosing between her and his band.
Ten years of hatred and bitterness; these emotions lived quite comfortably inside of her heart and made a permanent residence. I've never seen someone hold onto these ugly and destructive emotions for so long. I think it was what kept Bella going.
"What are you doing, Jacob?" I spat.
"What? What the fuck do you mean?" he asked surprised.
"Why are you holding Bella to the promise she made years ago?" I crossed my arms.
"I love Bella, Rosalie-"
"Stop right fucking there" I held the palms of my hands up. "You love her?" I spat, anger boiled in my veins.
"Yeah, I fucking love her" he yelled.
"Then let her go, Jacob Black" I yelled, my voice dripped with venom. "Because you fucking know that she doesn't love you"
"You're crazy if you think I'm going to just give her up. I will not, Rosalie. I'm marrying Bella tomorrow" he said in anger.
"Then you're a fucking selfish dick" I yelled. "She doesn't love you, Jake. She never will"
"I don't care about that. I have enough love for the both of us"
"Oh, please, is that why you've moved the wedding date up? Because you have enough love for the both of you" I asked sarcastically. "No, you fucking prick, it's because you're scared that she'll call the wedding off because you know Bella doesn't give a shit about you" I sneered.
"Get out of my house, Rosalie" he yelled.
"Let her go, Jake. Let her be happy instead of miserable. If you really love her so damn much, let her go. That's the only way for Bella to truly be happy" I pleaded. "She'll always be miserable, Jake, you know this"
"Get out of my house, Rosalie, NOW!" he barked.
"Fuck you, Jacob Black. I thought you would understand, but you're just a selfish fucking prick. You're only thinking about your happiness and your life" I spat as I walked past him to the door. "You're going to regret this one day and then I'll be there waiting and laughing my ass off. If you think I'm going to let this go, you're making one hell of a mistake, because I'm going to beg Bella not to marry you" I yelled.
He laughed sarcastically.
"She'll never break her promise to me, Rosalie. She'll never break her promise to me. She's too loyal, Rosalie, you know this" he laughed.
"We'll see, Jacob Black, we'll see. Bella might figure out that she needs to fight for her own damn happiness for once. I'll make sure she fucking realizes it before tomorrow" I spat and slammed the door behind me.
Jacob was my last hope. He was clearly not going to cave, fucker, and I was pretty sure that Bella wouldn't break her promise to this piece of shit. How could she stand so fucking steadfast on a promise when she clearly knew – deep down inside in her heart – that it was a mistake? How could she give up her own happiness just to make Jacob happy? I had no idea what was going on inside of Bella's head. Why would she give up a life with Edward – a life she so desperately wanted ten years ago - to be with a man she had no love for…well, except maybe a friendship-kinda-love?
I wanted to find her and kick her ass right now. Slapped some fucking sense into her.
I felt like a failure. I wanted to make Tristan and Abbey happy by giving them the one thing they both wished for – Edward and Bella to get back together. I wanted to give them their daddy – living with them, tucking them in, telling them stories, making them breakfast and taking them to school…
I have failed them. I have failed Edward. I have failed Bella…
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