Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Lyrics in this chapter belongs to:
A little more – Skillet
Believe – Skillet
You should know – Dead by April
A/N: Wow, wow, wow, wow…you guys blew me away with the reviews I've received on the previous chapter. So much excitement and anxiousness and tears. I appreciate every single review I've received. I enjoyed reading through them. I hope to receive just as many reviews on this chapter…I'll appreciate it even more. Thank you to every reader sticking with BD and me up unto this chapter. I know some of you was about to give up, thank you for having faith – blind faith as one reader called it – in me.
You have no idea what it did to my heart when half of you reviewed about crying in the previous chapter. It meant so much to me because I cried throughout that entire chapter when I was working on it. I hoped that it would have had the same impact on you as well.
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Chapter Nineteen – Eyes wide open
Love is indestructible
So take a hold
Sometimes hard to find
A reason good enough
I'll stand beside you
Never leave through it all
And faith will bring a way
To the impossible
(A little more – Skillet)
BPOV
You look beautiful, Love.
I heard his words loud and clear as I walked up the stairs outside of the church. I fisted the sleeve of my father's tux as the awe and reverence – the pure and unadulterated worship – in his eyes appeared before me.
I swallowed hard as Tristan and Abbey's song started.
This was it!
Could I go through with this?
How do you look at the girl you love and say goodbye?
The sadness in his voice crippled my heart.
Rosalie's song started and she gave me one last pleading look before she walked into the church.
I'll always wait for you…
Please, God, make his voice stop. Please. Please. Please. I couldn't take it anymore.
I have always loved you, Bella, and I always will. You are my life…
A low whimper escaped my lips as the wedding march began. Charlie squeezed my hand as the doors flung open. Everyone was standing and staring at me. Awe was written on their faces as I looked at all but twenty people. I ignored one pair of eyes, though, the most important pair on your wedding day, Jake's.
I'm sorry that I had hurt you so much that you feel the need to marry someone else just to feel save…
Tears were flowing freely now. No matter how hard I've tried, I couldn't forget his words…his heartache…his tears.
My eyes landed on my children; Abbey's beautiful face was filled with tears and her eyes had a sadness in them that I've never seen before. I choked back a sob. Tristan's emerald green orbs were excruciating to look at. It reminded me of Edward's a few moments ago as he said goodbye to me.
Charlie kissed me after he handed me to Jake. For the first time since I walked into the church, I looked into Jake's eyes. Fear and nervousness were all I saw. A deep frown crinkled his forehead as he looked back into my eyes. I still felt the tears roll down my cheeks.
I love you, Bella, and I'm proving to you just how fucking much by walking away. You can never doubt me after this…
A gut-wrenching sob escaped my lips.
"I can't do this" I sobbed out. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this"
I heard the gasps of the guests as it echoed through the church. How could I have hurt the man I love most in this world? How could I have broken him? His heartache was all I saw from the moment he left the hotel room. My children's cries broke my heart. I knew they wanted me to be with Edward, but still I fucking refused. I've not only hurt Edward, but Tristan and Abbey as well.
"Bella" Jacob hissed. "You promised" he reminded me.
I heard Charlie apologized to the guests and asked them kindly to wait outside for a moment. I heard the mutterings as they left the church.
I knew this, I knew I promised him, but never have I felt freer than a moment ago when I said that I couldn't marry him. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Those words broke the chains around my heart and smashed through the walls I've built for so long.
All I kept thinking was that I wanted to get to Edward. I wanted to jump into his arms…arms I've longed for for ten years. I wanted to feel his lips on mine; kissing him freely and the way I remembered…like the night in the hotel room after he discovered that I was in fact Izzy.
Edward proved to me how much he truly loves me. He proved that to me by walking away and letting go. He would give me up because he truly believed that I was in love with Jacob and not him. Jacob, on the other hand, kept reminding me about that stupid fucking promise I made. He held it over my head and it seriously started to feel like some sort of bondage.
"I also promised" I smiled, "since I was six years old, that I would love Edward forever. I made a promise to him that I will be his forever. I will love him forever" I smiled through my cries. It had felt so good to have said those words out loud. I wanted to shout it to the world. I wanted to…no, I needed to tell Edward.
What the fuck had happened to me? Why had I felt the need to push Edward away?
The rape…my heart and mind reminded me. I shook my head…
I have forgotten about that. Would he still want me if he knew? Would he think that I was damaged and not worthy?
Fuck, these insecurities were killing me.
It wouldn't have mattered whether he wanted me or not; I wasn't going through with the wedding. I couldn't…
"No, Bella, you can't do this" Jacob grabbed my arms. I hissed in pain as his fingers dug into my flesh.
Charlie's hand wrapped around Jake's and threw him off of me.
"Get your hands off of my daughter" he hissed.
"Charlie-"
"Bells, do what you have to" he interrupted Jacob.
I looked up at my father in shock. I had thought that he was going to fight me on this. I had thought that he was going to remind me of what Jake had done for me and my children. But, he hadn't. He took my hands in his and kissed them before he looked back into my eyes.
"I have kept Edward from you when he came looking for you. I knew how much you loved him and that you were pregnant, but I kept him from you. I was so scared that he was going to hurt you again" Charlie whispered. "I see now, that I shouldn't have interfered. I know how much that boy loves you, Bells, I saw it ten years ago when he came to our house and begged me – crying – to tell him where you were. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Bella" he cried.
"Dad-"
"Go, Bella, go to him" he urged me.
"I don't know where he is" I shook my head.
"Mom, I know" Tristan smiled crookedly at me.
I crouched down – ignoring Jacob completely – and held my arms out for my children. They wrapped their arms around me and hugged me fiercely.
"I'm so sorry; I'm so sorry my babies" I cried while holding them tightly. "I ignored your pleas and was so stubborn. I wasn't seeing clearly-"
"Mom, we love you and we just wanted to see you happy. We accepted your relationship with Jake because we only wanted for you to be happy" Tristan interrupted me. "And I don't mean to be rude, or anything, but you should go to Dad" he smiled.
I chuckled before I ran my fingers through his untamable hair. He looked so handsome in his tux and so fucking grown-up. I looked at my daughter; beautiful was an understatement. I ran my fingers down her face, eliciting a beautiful smile.
"I'm sorry, baby-girl, so sorry" I whispered.
"It's okay, mommy, but Trissie is right, you need to find daddy" she pouted. I gasped.
"Daddy, hey?" I asked.
"Yup," she pouted with a nod, "He is my daddy in every way" she explained. My heart soared. Yes, Edward was a father to Abbey in every way. Not even Jake was that close to Abbey, and Jake had known Abbey since she was born.
"Bella, you can't do this to me" Jake hissed again, interrupting my moment with my children.
I slowly stood up and sighed heavily.
"Jake, I'm not marrying you today. I'm sorry, but I just can't bind myself to someone I only love as a friend. You mean so much to me, Jake. Your friendship has meant the world to me…you've helped me through some pretty horrible shit, and I'll always be grateful to you. I just can't bind myself to you…I'm sorry" I sighed. I never wanted to hurt Jacob…that was the last thing I wanted to do. It broke my heart to have done this to Jake…
"He betrayed you once, Bella, what makes you think he won't do it again?" Jake spat. "He doesn't even know about-"
"Don't you dare say anything in front of my children, Jacob Black" I interrupted him quickly. "You just proved to me how big of a mistake I would have made if I married you today" I glared back at him.
"Bella, I do love you, please, please don't do this to me. I just can't live without you" he said sadly, tears building in his eyes.
I shook my head. His tears hadn't the same effect on my heart as Edward's. Edward's tears tore through my heart in a way I wouldn't even be able to describe. I've hurt Edward ten years ago…and I've crippled him again moments ago after I so abruptly lied to him. The pain, the mortification in his eyes after I've told him that I had no love for him whatsoever…
I couldn't even think about it…
"I'm sorry, Jake" I whispered softly. I turned back to Tristan.
"You said you know where your dad is?" I asked him with a fluttering heart. I was a nervous wreck…not knowing how Edward was feeling right now, how he would feel after I've told him about Sam.
"Yup" he smiled.
"So" I waved my arms, "where is he?" I chuckled.
I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong
I can't fill the emptiness inside since you've been gone
So is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now
(Believe – Skillet)
Emmett and Rosalie accompanied me to the outside where Emmett hailed a cab for me. Emmett paid the cab driver and they both wished me luck as I climbed into the taxi. The taxi driver looked at me questioningly when I got in with my dress and told him that I wanted to go to the beach Tristan had told me about. I had no fucking time to get out of the dress as I was anxious to get to Edward.
My heart fluttered the entire way, knowing that I was on my way to pledge my love to Edward. Hoping, praying that he would believe me. I wouldn't blame him if he couldn't believe me as I told him the blackest of blasphemies, ever!
Ever since I had left Edward, Jake was there. At first he was the friend any girl would die to have. He was there when I cried for Edward. He was there when I found out I was pregnant; consoling me, encouraging me. He stood by me through the Sam-situation. He never left my side after what happened with Sam.
Jake practically lived with Rosalie and me. I wouldn't let him leave me alone at nights. I clung to him after I had nightmare after nightmare. I had cried numerous times in his arms, not only because of what Sam had done to me, but because I couldn't fucking remember what that fucker had done to me.
Jake was so good to me and my children, and after Abbey's birth, I thought I had fallen in love with Jacob. He was constantly in my life and I had felt this need for Jake. I felt dependent on him and when he was at his house, I longed for him. I missed him whenever he went away on business trips.
Edward was still there, but I managed to push his memory aside – burying him very deep. I had thought that I was over Edward and when Jacob kissed me for the first time, I kissed him back. It was different – I had to admit -, but in a way it had felt right. Soon, my lips had gotten familiar with Jake's and we took our relationship to the next level – sex.
The first time was absolutely horrifying. We never even got to the sex-part because as soon as I was naked with a very eager Jake on top of me, I cracked. Jake wasn't even mad, but he wrapped my body in his sheets and held me the entire night. We then decided to take things slow…dry humping like fucking teenagers, at first, and then he pleasured me with his fingers and tongue.
It never felt right…it never felt like it had with Edward. Edward's touch was like magic. Whenever he touched me with his rough guitar-played fingers, my girly bits would turn into a flowing river. That was just by fucking touch…
Every intimacy I've shared with Jake felt wrong. I never felt that connection, that spark that you're supposed to feel when you truly love someone. Again, I ignored the signs and figured that it was because I once had the best lover – whom knew my body inside and out, whom knew every detail by fucking touch.
When I ran into Edward at Twilight, I knew my feelings for Jake was nothing more than friendship. I knew the first time Edward kissed me in that hotel room that Edward would always be the only man for me. I knew when he had his hands in my bikini bottom – in the Jacuzzi – that he would always be the only one who would be able to turn me on by a single touch. That he would always be the one – the only one – who knew what I wanted and what I needed.
Still, I fucking fought against my feelings. Not only because of Jacob, but because of my own insecurities and fears. I have fucked up my own life. I was a selfish bitch ten years ago, expecting him to give up his career – something he fucking loved so much – just to marry me. I wanted to be his center of attention and when he refused to give in, I threw a tantrum and walked away.
I didn't deserve Edward's forgiveness. I sure as hell didn't deserve his love…unconditional love, which I had no doubt about. Why had I broken his heart before I opened my fucking eyes? Why had I denied him when he begged me so desperately not to marry Jake?
Because you're a coward. Because you're selfish. Because you're afraid. My heart answered for me.
I shook my head. It still hadn't given me the right to have treated Edward like shit. It still hadn't given me the right to have broken his heart. It still hadn't given me the right to have made him believe that I was in love with Jake and not with him.
I had no idea why I was so damn persistent in marrying Jacob. I had no fucking idea why? All I could think was that I wanted to prove to myself that Edward meant nothing to me. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need him. I wanted to prove to myself that walking away from him ten years ago was the best thing I had ever done. I wanted to prove to myself that my love for Edward was dead.
I snorted.
Big fucking mistake.
My love for Edward would never die. My love for Edward was stronger today than ever before.
"Miss, are you alright?" the cab driver asked me.
I chuckled.
"I'm more than alright, actually" I smiled. "I'm in love"
"Aren't you supposed to be at a church, getting married?" he asked, shaking his head a little.
"No, I'm headed to where I'm supposed to be" I sighed in contentment. "To the love of my existence"
He shook his head and kept driving. He must have thought that I was crazy…maybe I was. One thing I knew, though, I was crazy in love.
"Here you go, Miss" the cab driver said again after he stopped at the beach I requested.
"Thank you" I smiled as I got out.
I carefully slipped out of my shoes and picked them up. I held my shoes in my one hand while my other held my dress up.
I sighed hard and took a deep breath before I made my way to the white sand. My eyes scanned the beach, frantically searching for his silhouette. My heart jumped to my throat when I saw someone standing in the cold water. The wild beating of my heart – as I walked closer – told me that it was Edward.
My heart completely broke when I saw him with his arms above his head, yelling for someone to take his pain away. Tears escaped my eyes as his pain coursed through my body. My knees grew weak at his pain.
"Take this fucking love I have for Bella away…please" I heard him whisper and that crippled me. The thought of losing him…the mere thought of him not loving me anymore killed me.
"Edward" I said from behind him. He hadn't turned around, but instead he fell to his knees and started laughing. It wasn't the warm laughter I used to love so much about him, it was cold and excruciating.
I dropped my shoes in the sand and slowly walked towards him.
"I need you to still love me" I whispered as I placed my hand on his shoulder. He startled before he abruptly stood up and looked at me.
I am trying so hard...
You should know
I am falling to pieces without you near
You should know
I'm not able to go on without you near
Want you to know!
Try to breathe, try to sleep, try to feel
But without you near
Cannot breathe, cannot sleep, cannot feel
Love without you near...
(You should know – Dead by April)
"Bella" he whispered. My name rolled off of his lips and there was no sound more beautiful than hearing my name come out of his mouth.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands as if he was dreaming…as if he couldn't believe that I was actually standing in front of him.
"I had to find you-"
"Why? To gloat about your marriage…to get one last punch in" he interrupted me with a snort. "You shouldn't have come…go be with your fucking husband" he said snidely.
His words were venomous, yet I could hear the excruciating pain seeping from them. He was angry, yet broken at the same time. I couldn't blame him; I've hurt him…chosen another man…threw his love back into his face.
"You're wrong, you know?" I chuckled nervously. I swiftly wiped the tears from my face.
"About what?" he spat. His eyes displayed hurt and I knew he was keeping up a front by being rude. I was like that once and know now just how much my rudeness and anger must have hurt him because his words, his anger, his rudeness almost killed me. The old Bella would have turned around and left, but not now, now I promised myself that I was going to say exactly what I came here to say. I was going to tell him how much I fucking loved him and I was going to tell him about….about the rape. I had to get everything out and hoped, prayed that he would forgive me for treating him like shit, for lying to him.
"You didn't kill my soul, Edward" I smiled. He frowned in confusion, resting his hands on his hips. "I killed my own soul because I was selfish and wanted you to myself. I always had your undivided attention when we grew up, but when you started the band; I had to share you with the entire world. It pissed me off" I laughed. "I wasn't used to not seeing you and I sure as hell wasn't used to not having you around all the time. I was jealous and acted like a spoiled little brat"
"Bella, what the fuck are you talking about? Just say what you came to say and leave me alone, please" he sighed. He looked tired; physically and emotionally. My heart splintered at the sight of new tears flowing down his beautiful face.
"I forgive you, Edward Cullen" I smiled and it felt amazing. My heart blossomed and felt so much lighter than it used to. "I forgive you for choosing the band. I forgive you for not wanting to marry me. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you for rejecting me" I said without taking breaths. My heart jumped to my throat as the nervousness seeped through my veins.
"Thank you" he looked away from me, but I saw the river of tears stream down his cheeks. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard, over and over again.
"That's not all I came to say, Edward" I walked closer to him until I was standing in front of him.
"You shouldn't be here, Bella, you should be with your husband" he choked the words out. My own tears flowed freely now as I had to look into his broken and empty eyes. His heartache was enough to kill me…
I shook my head, placed my hand over his soft lips and smiled broadly. My heart was in a fluttering mess as the next words escaped my lips; "I love you, baby, so fucking much that it hurts to breathe. I love you, Edward. I've never stopped loving you-"
"W-w-what" his eyes widened as he stuttered. "It's too late, Bella" he cried.
I gasped, took a step backwards as his words felt like daggers stabbing through my heart. I gasped for breath…I was too late. He was too hurt and too angry…
"You already married that fucker-"
My head shot up at his words. He thought I was already married? He thought I just came here to tell him that I love him and then go back to Jake…was he for real?
"No, Edward, you don't understand" I started laughing. "I couldn't marry Jake…I stopped the wedding, Edward, because I'm in love with someone else. I couldn't bind myself to another man while my heart and soul longs for you"
"Bella…" he started sobbing, falling to his knees. I dropped to my knees next to him and cradled his face between my hands.
"Bella, Love, please tell me I'm not dreaming?" he gently cradled my face between his perfect hands. I leaned into them, needing his touch.
"You're not dreaming, Edward, I'm here and I love you so much. I love you and I'm sorry for not seeing it sooner…I'm sorry for the heartache I've caused you" I sobbed. "Please tell me that I'm not too late" I sobbed with him. "Please tell me that you still love me and that you still want me" I begged through sobs.
He gave me a chaste kiss, silencing me.
"A few moments ago, I had no idea how I was going to live without you. I had no idea how I was going to go on with my life and be happy. I had no idea how I was going to keep on living for Tristan and Abbey…" he said, shaking his head. "The pain was…fuck, the pain was just too much. It was worse than ten years ago, Bella. I seriously wanted to die because I've lived without you for ten years and hell was a fucking understatement for what I went through. I just…I just couldn't see myself living another ten without you" he smiled and it was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen…it had lit his emerald eyes up; displaying love, joy and happiness. "I love you, Bella, I love you" he whispered.
"Edward, I know we have a lot to talk about" I whispered, "but could you please just kiss me before we have that talk" I requested hoarsely; anxiously waiting for his answer.
"You never have to ask me to kiss you, love, but I've been waiting for that question for almost two months" he chuckled, sparks igniting his eyes.
His thumbs made a trail on my cheeks and he tilted his head down so that our lips were almost touching, hovering just a breath away. He was so close that I could feel his eyelashes slowly sweep over my cheek as he blinked.
I shivered.
"I've waited far too long for this, love, I love you" he whispered huskily, his icy breath caressing my lips.
My breathing caught in my throat and my lips parted almost indiscernibly before he captured them with his own. The kiss was slow, and gentle, and sweet. My eyes slid closed and I snaked my arms around his neck so that I wouldn't fall. His sweet and soft lips pressed against mine firmly and it drove me fucking crazy. Our lips molded perfectly as if they were specially made for one another. My body ached for him; his kisses, his touch, his sweet words…
His lips sent sparks and warmth through my body all the way to my big fucking toe. I wanted this feeling of fulfillment and marvelous joy – that left me breathless and brainless – to never end! Tears rolled down my cheeks as the feeling of reverence, awe, love, passion, need, want and fulfillment overwhelmed me.
The whole time he was cradling my face in his large hands as if I was a china doll that could break at any moment. I completely lost myself in that kiss, letting it portray so many of my emotions for him as my lips moved with his.
He pulled away much too soon for my liking, resting his forehead back on mine.
"You have no idea how happy you've made me, Bella" his breath wafted over my face; I was overwhelmed, dizzy and euphoric at the same time.
"I love you. I love you so much, Edward" I cried softly. I never wanted to be apart from him again.
He leaned in so slowly again, I thought my heart would stop beating in my chest, and kissed me very softly. It was torturous and I wanted to jam my tongue down his throat. I tightened my hand around his neck and pulled him in again. He kept the kiss light and just barely brushed his lips against mine, driving me absolutely crazy.
"Kiss me," I complained, wanting so much more than his feathery touch.
He chuckled against my lips, "But I am kissing you, love"
"Kiss me like you mean it, Edward, kiss me the way I remember" I complained. Edward chuckled again. He stood up from his knees and pulled me along with him. I was standing in front of him, waiting in anticipation for what I knew was coming next.
He slowly ran his hands from my shoulders, down my arms before capturing my wrists. Goose bumps erupted down my arms and I shivered. Even the most innocent of touches from Edward made me feel like I was on fire and set my brain into spasms. Spasms of want and desperate need. His fingers formed loose manacles around my wrists and he silently raised my arms until my hands were resting on his shoulders. Then he rested his hands on my waist. And we just stood there staring at each other for an immeasurable amount of time. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Edward's. It was as if he was paralyzing me. And he refused to release me from the spell as he leaned down to kiss my forehead. My eyes slid closed as his lips lingered there. His fingers flexed almost imperceptibly around my waist.
Edward growled when our lips finally touched. His lips vibrated against mine and I moaned out loud. I parted my lips slightly and he sucked my bottom lip between his lips, nibbling gently before he released my lip. He swirled his tongue over my lips, erotically slow. His saliva was warm as he left a trail of it on my lips and as the wind swirled around us, it had blew the saliva cold erupting goose bumps over my body. He took his time worshipping my lips, biting, sucking, nibbling and pulling.
My insides were a wanting mess. I crossed my legs and closed them tightly as the want and need for Edward seeped through my core. I wanted him…I needed him badly.
I moaned out loud and Edward thrust his tongue inside my mouth. My body shivered in his arms as his tongue graced mine slowly. My whole body sizzled with electricity and I kept pulling him closer to me, but it was never close enough. My girly bits were a soaked mess and I kept criss-crossing my legs to give me some sort of friction because this kiss was literally driving me insane. My nails dug into his scalp as I pulled him even closer.
I whimpered, tugging on his hair, eliciting a moan from him. His lips vibrated against mine as he moaned and whimpered. I was overwhelmed, dizzy and euphoric again. Our tongues swiped against each other's while our hands trailed over one another's bodies; feeling, exploring what we've missed over the years. Our hands were everywhere as our tongues danced together. My heart was on fire and my veins sizzled from his kisses and touches.
He pulled away to catch his breath. Both our chests were heaving and hard and fast breaths escaped our mouths. My heart pounded hard against my chest from excitement and love.
"Bella…fuck…" he whispered in reverence as he placed his forehead on mine, closing his eyes and inhaled deeply.
Was this really happening? Was I really in Edward's arms, kissing him, holding him, feeling him?
"I missed you, Edward" I sobbed out; still overwhelmed at everything that had happened. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I said circling my arms around his neck. "Please…just kiss me, Edward, kiss me and never stop" I pleaded. His eyes opened and it was heaven to see the joy displaying in them; utter contentment and awe swirled around in his green orbs and lit them up.
"I love you, Bella, I love you so much" he said and attacked my mouth again. He kissed me with so much love and need.
Our tongues danced together again in perfect synchronization; tasting, searching and sucking. My heart rate accelerated when he wrapped his arms tighter around me.
He caressed my cheeks gently with his thumbs as tears fell down my cheeks. A sob broke within him and I realized that Edward was crying, too. It was too much, all these feelings and emotions swirling through my head…
He slowed our kiss and I whimpered at the loss of contact when he pulled away. His hands slipped down to my hips and held me a few inches away from him. His breathing was hitched and his chest heaved up and down from the passion we shared a moment ago.
He released me, pulling one of his hands through his hair while the other one grabbed his bottom lip and pulled on it. A deep frown creased his forehead and my heart started to pound painfully.
"What's wrong?" I asked insecurely.
"There's one thing I want…" he shook his head, "no, there's one thing I need to know before we can start anything between us" he whispered out of breath.
My heartbeat sprinted, knowing already what he wanted…needed.
"What do you want to know?" I asked fearfully.
He looked at me, took my hand in his and led me to a spot where we could sit down. I noticed the case of beer, but only saw that there was two bottles missing. Was he planning on drinking the entire case?
He helped me to get comfortable – since I was still wearing the stupid dress – and he sat down next to me. He stared into the darkness of the ocean where only the crushing waves were hearable.
"I want to know about Abbey's father, Bella" he simply said. He sighed. "I need to know about him" he sounded desperate.
"I know" I simply whispered. "It's just hard…"
"Bella, I'll be fine if you tell me that you loved him. I get it; I was engaged to Tanya-"
"Edward, no, that's not it at all" I interrupted him. "I've never loved anyone besides you" I whispered. I pulled my knees to my body and hugged them tightly.
"Bella, you can tell me anything, Love. Please, I need to know" he whispered in desperation.
"His name is Sam Uley-"
"Wait, you said 'is'" he interrupted me. "Does that mean-"
"He is not dead" I finished for him.
He gasped, rubbing his forehead viciously.
"Bella, no-"
"Edward, let me finish the story" I begged. He nodded, clasping his hands together over his knees and waited patiently for me to go on.
"I worked at a diner seven years ago and Sam was a regular customer. He was very taken with me" I chuckled dryly. "He was so charming and kind. He always asked me out, but, I wasn't over you so I always said 'no'. Around that same time he asked me to come and work for him" I swallowed. "Of course, I took the job without thinking twice. The pay was fantastic and I really wanted to get my degree in English Lit. so I started working for him" I swallowed again, tears flowed down my cheeks. I sniffled.
Edward looked worriedly at me, trying to take one of my hands, but I pulled back.
"Let me just get this out, please" I pleaded. I stood up and turned my back towards him. I was so afraid of his reaction. I was afraid he would think I was disgusting. Most of all, I was afraid that he wouldn't ever look at me the same way he had moments ago.
"I worked a year for him when he started asking me out again. I finally caved" I sniffled again. "He was making dinner at his house so I went to his house. I had one glass of wine and I remember feeling weird. I remember that I thought it was funny because one glass of wine never did that before…"
"Bella, no…" he gasped. I heard the realization in his gasp. I couldn't turn around and face him. I couldn't face the horror on his face…
I sobbed as my knees buckled and I fell to them.
"I woke up the next morning in his bed, naked and very confused. I had a headache and was much disoriented" I sobbed out. "He came into the room and laughed at me, thanking me for the wildest night he had ever had. I knew something was wrong because I would never…" I whispered in a trembling voice. I was too afraid to look at Edward.
"I would never have done that, I knew it in my heart. He also thanked me for being so submissive. He said that he never expected that from me, but he enjoyed dominating me while fucking me. I remember how scared I was…fuck" I grabbed my head between my hands, "I've never felt more afraid than that morning. He threw my clothes at me – what was left of it anyways – and ordered me to get dressed and get the fuck out of his house" I laughed hysterically while more tears flowed down my cheeks.
"No" I heard Edward whisper again, but I still couldn't look at him.
"My body was stiff and sore, my head was pounding and I felt really weird. I knew he must've done something to my drink, but I couldn't be sure. I got dressed and left as quickly as I could, and went straight to the nearest hospital. They did all sorts of tests, confirmed that I was raped. They wanted to take pictures of my body; there were bruises on my thighs, arms, neck, abdomen, breasts and face. There were whipping marks on my ass and back…looked like he hit me with a belt" I said emotionless and robotically.
"I had to go back for the pregnancy test, but I was in such a state that it never crossed my mind again. They called me back with the results of the blood test and confirmed that I was drugged with Rohypnol. They asked me if I wanted to press charges, but I refused. My father was a cop and I know what some of the woman go through…sometimes the fucker walks anyway. I couldn't face the humiliation…so I called Charlie" I chuckled dryly. "He was so pissed that I wouldn't press charges, but I downright refused"
"Bella, please-" I heard him say, but interrupted him because I wanted to get everything out before he said anything.
"Six weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. My life was a fucking mess; I couldn't remember a damn thing Sam had done to me and now I was pregnant. At first, I didn't want the baby. I considered abortion, but when I got to the clinic I threw up and walked away. I considered adoption, which was the safest option for both me and the baby" my heart ached about the thought of giving Abbey away.
I smiled sadly, "Tristan was lying on the bed with me, asking me about my stomach and why it had gotten so big. I explained to him what was happening…and he placed his little hand on my stomach…and Abbey kicked. I fell in love with her then and there. No matter what had happened to me, she didn't ask for this. I knew that I was going to keep her. The love I had for her was so overwhelming, Edward" I cried. "I hated myself for going to that abortion clinic. I hated myself that I hated her in the beginning. I loathed myself for wanting to give her away…" I bawled.
I felt his arms wrap around me as he pulled me into his arms. He held me tightly as I cried into his chest. I realized that his body was shaking, so I looked up and saw that he was crying with me. He shook his head at me and pulled me back to his chest. I felt safe and loved in his arms.
How had I lived ten years without this man?
How had I believed that my love for him was dead?
Edward sat down on the sand and brought me with. I was cradled in his arms on his lap and he gently rocked our bodies together. I had no idea how long we sat like that; Edward whispered soothing words into my ear, comforting me. He whispered that he loved me, but I felt something was off. He was different as if he was holding something back. I couldn't pretend anymore…I wanted to know what he was feeling and what was going through his mind. If we were going to be together there would be no more secrets, no more keeping things inside. We were going to talk to each other…no matter how hard it would be or how painful it would be.
"What's wrong, Edward" I asked fearfully. "And don't say 'nothing'. I can see that something's bothering you…no more secrets, no more lies, no more keeping in" I said.
"Bella" he whispered in a trembling voice. "I'm so sorry"
"It's not your fault, Edward" I shook my head.
He gently wrapped his hands around my arms and pushed me away from him. He walked towards the ocean away from me…my heart ached. It felt like he was rejecting me. I waited for him, refusing to run away again. I was going to fight for his love.
"It is my fucking fault" he yelled. "It's entirely my fault" he started crying.
I had expected rejection. I had expected disgust. I had expected him to tell me that he couldn't be with me after that. I even expected him to tell me that I was damaged goods.
But, I never expected him to blame himself. And quite frankly, he was scaring the hell out of my right now. His outburst almost gave me a panic attack.
Why the fuck would he blame himself?
If anyone was to blame it was me. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have trusted Sam. I shouldn't have gone to his fucking house…
"Edward-"
"Bella, I'm sorry" he hissed. "I'm really sorry about this, but I need to be alone right now" he hissed in anger.
"I…urm…I understand, Edward" I stuttered. His rejection cut my heart open, bleeding me dry.
He moved so fast that I hadn't even saw him until he was in front of me, cradling my face carefully.
"Love" he swallowed, "I'm not rejecting you, and get that shit out of your head about me thinking that you are not good enough" he added.
"How did you-"
He silenced me with his lips, kissing the shit out of me. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and nibbled on it before he let go of me.
"I know you" he gave me another chaste kiss. "I know what you're thinking. Besides, I remember you telling me that you are not good enough for me, less than three hours ago"
"I-"
"Bella, baby, I need to be alone to deal with this. I'm sorry, but I'm so angry right now…" he pinched the bridge of his nose, "I need to be alone…please, love, please understand" he cried again. His beautiful face was swollen, his eyes were puffy and red and full of tears.
I cupped his cheek with my hand and smiled.
"I understand, Edward, I truly do. You need time and I get that…just-"
"Go to Emmett's house and I'll meet you there" he interrupted me. "Forgive me; I'm just too angry to be around anyone right now" his jaw clenched. I could see the inner fight he had with himself; the fight to control his anger. His eyes were almost pitch black and a muscle jumped underneath his eye. His nostrils were flaring and his breathing was hitched and hard.
"I'll see you there, Edward" I decided to leave. I had no fear that he was going to leave me. I had no fear that he was going to reject me. I had absolutely no fear inside of me.
One thing I was sure of was Edward's love for me. He had fucking proved that to me over and over again. I would never doubt that again. If he needed to be alone to deal with what I had told him, then I'll give him time. He had to deal with this in his own way, and if that way was time, then I'll give it to him. He was blaming himself and he sure as hell needed to see that it wasn't his fault.
I sure as hell just hoped that he would come to terms with all of this. I sure as hell hoped that he would see that it wasn't his fault because if he would blame himself, then I had no idea where that would leave our relationship…
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Please don't be mad at Edward…try to see it from his point. He just learned that Bella – the love of his life – was raped. He blames himself because what he had done to her ten years ago. Try and see it from his POV…what do you think is going to happen between Edward and Bella? Will Edward be able to work through his guilt?
Review with your theories…
I know it was a short chapter, but I'm having a fucking hard time writing Bella's POV. I'm struggling to express her feelings and to put words into her heart and mouth. This is so frustrating…you can be honest about this chapter…I can take it. I'm thinking about doing everything in Edward's POV from now on…I don't know, for the first time – since I've been writing fiction – Bella is a closed book to me. Be honest about this chapter, please. If you would rather have seen this chapter in Edward's POV…review and tell me, I'll write it in his POV as well…
Also, please tell me in a review about outtakes that you would like to read. I've received three suggestions so far; Jake, Esme and Carlisle…
NERVOUS AS HELL…and anxiously waiting for the reviews…