GITTIN' OUR BEARINGS
Well, we had some of the gold we'd gotten from the Injun Joe escapade with us, and that seems to be good trade in any time o' history, and Shauna took us to an antique coinage shop, and we got some of the new currency, though I didn't think much of it all being in paper.
"Huck, you don't realize how convenient this is, these greenbacks" says Tom Sawyer. "Put a hundred of 'em in a pocket, you still can get around without having your suspenders weighed down."
"I don't think much of tradin' with material that I could use to wipe my backside with in the outhouse." I grumbled, but Tom pointed out that it would be a neat trick to hide your money in an outhouse instead of having to take it to a bank, and I had to agree.
"And think, Huck, you could use it twice, to wipe and then spend-people would have to take it in trade, and if they didn't want to touch the stained greenbacks, we could sell 'em tongs to handle the money, so'd they not have to touch the bodily waste, we'd be rich."
That Tom Sawyer, he did think of ever'thing.
Shauna told us she couldn't take us to her Ma's unless we had proper duds on; mine were clean and not falling apart, but I learnt from Aunt Polly, Aunt Sally and the Widow Douglas you can't argue with a woman.
We went to this mighty long building called a Galleria, or as Shauna called it "the strip mall." Whoever designed it had madness on his mind, for most of the walls were made of glass, and I didn't understand how anyone could have a place of business so flimsy.
Most of the people in our town had two to three sets of clothing if they was prosperous, some just homespun, but there was old Thompson's mercantile. I'd been forced, during the Widow Douglas's efforts to sivilize me to take several trips there, and get mighty uncomfortable but pretty clothing.
Shauna told us that she shopped several times a week at this Galleria, and would get us something that would make her proud to be seen with us.
She picked me out a shirt that resembled a short white painter's smock, but with writing on it—"I'M WITH STUPID" and then an arrow beneath the letters. Tom objected to this shirt strenuously, unless he was the one to wear it, so then Shauna got another blouse that was similar except it had some ugly looking men's picture and then "Guns and Roses" written under it.
I didn't want to touch the thing, but Tom told me I must wear it, as when in Rome, you must do as the Romans do. Shauna got me a pair of trousers that held up without suspenders, called "khakis", and some shoes made of rubber, called Nikes.
"Like, don't worry, you look so bitchin, too bad we don't have time to get you an earring or some ink'" Shauna was trying to encourage me, I reckon.
Jim was looking at this statue thing that was in the store, dressed in what appeared to be a plaid overall with no leg material, much like Shauna's blue jeans.
"Huck, do you think dis is some kind of idol? De Bible says we ain't supposed to worship idols."
"I reckon if it were an idol, Jim, it wouldn't be dressed so hideous." I replied.
After we left the Galleria, Shauna took us to something horrible called "Lasertag". After me and Jim quit throwing up, we all finally went to her Ma's house at the Beembee.
I reckon I remembered the street that Shauna's Ma lived on, for it was still the town of St. Petersburg, but it seemed like folks never got anything done, for all the time they spent stopping into places to buy things.
On the corner before reaching Shauna's Ma's place, we had to stop at a little store called Starbucks, and Shauna asked Tom and me if we wanted coffee.
Well, you know, we hadn't just got up or nothin' and I didn't see the point, but Tom wandered right into the place after Shauna and when he came out he was holding a paper cup of something called a Decaf Latte CappuChinner, or some such.
"It tastes like sugar and mud, Huck, I can't imagine why Shauna's so taken with it, but maybe it's some kind of magic potion" After Tom sipped a bit of it, he offered some to me, but I am awful shy about anything to drink but water.
Outside, there was some young chap about a year or so younger than Tom and I—twelve or thirteen, thereabouts,-and he was wheeling himself up and down the block on a long piece of wood with roller skate wheels on the front and the back… and the boy was wearing some kind of hard plastic thing on his head.
"D'you think the fellow broke his scooter?" I remembered little chaps liked riding up and down the road on scooters, but the thing on his head mystified me.
"I'm not sure. Possibly the head thing indicates he's some kind of royalty" said the mystified Tom. Tom had never given up hope that we might meet some kings and princes.
"But you'd think he'd have some kind of horse, right?" Seemed a little silly that the fellow would have to tool along on a tiny little wooden half-scooter, didn't royalty have lots of money?
But then Shauna came out, and led us to her mother's Beembee, and we went inside. In Shauna's Ma's sitting parlor, or as Shauna later called it the "rec room" there appeared to be a large square with magical lines and horrible colors bouncing around it that made me, Tom and Jim dizzy.
"What are those shapes, it looks as if one of those French paintings has gone awry." Tom asked, gaping at this yellow, shouting blob.
"That's Spongebob Squarepants on Blu-Ray, babe. He's so random now."
Like I said earlier, Shauna needed a phrase book just for when she coughed.