Stephenie Meyer owns it all!
This story is betaed by the wonderful Browneyedgirl825! I couldn't have done this without her! Thank you so much 3
Urm...some more tissues may be needed :'(
Lyrics in this chapter belong to crashcarburn. This is a beautiful song guys, really, has me in tears every time I listen to it, especially if you lost someone very close to you!
I want to thank every single reader who reviewed the previous chapter. Also, every favorite and follow!
I wanted to share this review with you...it touched me and overwhelmed me in so many ways. LillyZ - thank you so much! "I have never cried so hard over a story, and I have read a lot of things in my life. I was reading this in bed, and now the mattress is literally soaked with tears.
This chapter is sad, beautiful, tragic and some more beautiful. It made my tears pour from my eyes and my heart clench, but not just because of sadness. Carlisle's words of goodbye and some of Edward's thoughts were so beautiful...
I cried because of those too.
Edward is right; it is impossible to prepare yourself for the death of a person, no matter how imminent it is or how inevitable. But I couldn't have thought of a more suitable way to say goodbye to this wonderful character. It's incredibly beautiful.
Rest in peace, Carlisle, and you shall forever be remembered as the best father in fiction."
BEAUTIFUL review...thank you so much!
OoOoOoO
Chapter 32 - Get up and fly away
EPOV
Every day without Carlisle was pure fucking torture. Fuck, I've missed him so much and it had only been five days.
Five days without seeing his smiling face. Five days without hearing his voice. Five days of reality where we'd never hear or see him again!
My main concern was Bella. I worried that the stress over this would cause problems with her pregnancy and no matter how hard I tried; I just couldn't pull myself out of the pit of depression I fell into.
I was thirty one and sobbed like a fucking baby over the death of my father.
We flew back to Seattle to have a special service for Carlisle after we read a letter he left for Esme. We were surprised to learn that Carlisle wanted to be cremated and his ashes were to be thrown at his favourite spot on Isle Esme!
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at myself in the mirror.
Today was the day that we had to say our final goodbyes. Today was the day that we had to let go of one of the most important people in our family; our foundation, our father, our hero!
I knew it would be hard on all of us. I knew that it was going to be an emotional day filled with sorrow, hurt and anguish.
"You've always looked handsome in a suit." Bella's voice brought me out of my reverie. I smiled sadly as I pulled on my tie. Today it felt like the tie was going to suffocate me.
I sighed loudly.
"Just know that I am here for you, Edward," she whispered and came to stand behind me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head on my back. I clasped her hands and squeezed them tightly as if they would give me strength.
"I know, love," I said sadly.
It felt like my heart was literally broken.
The church was packed with all of Carlisle's friends and family. Most of them wore black and I couldn't have helped the cynical chuckle that escaped my lips. Carlisle would've hated this; he was a happy kind of person who loved color. That was why we - his children, grandchildren and wife - wore colorful clothes. It was what he would've wanted.
The front of the church was covered with pictures of Carlisle; from his wedding with Esme, from his doctor years and from us - his children.
My eyes filled with tears when I recognized a picture with Carlisle holding me as a baby. His eyes sparkled with love and his lips had the widest smile which displayed his white teeth.
The one that made me sob softly was where he sat with all of us - Emmett, Alice and me. He had a content look on his face and displayed pure happiness and unconditional love.
Esme had this done and I was overwhelmed with emotion for my mother. She made sure that everyone in this church would know how happy he was.
There were a few pictures of recent times with Carlisle which had Tristan and Abbey in them as well.
Abbey crawled onto my lap as soon as we sat in our pew. I held her close to my chest as if she gave me strength.
The pastor preached about Carlisle in such an awesome way that it had left me breathless. He talked about how he knew Carlisle from way back and that he was the kindest, most compassionate man he ever knew.
Emmett stood when his name was announced and walked slowly to the pulpit! He cleared his throat before he took a white sheet of paper from his pocket.
"Today is a really sad day for us as we are gathered here to say goodbye to a really awesome person. Carlisle was extraordinary in every way possible," Emmett whispered hoarsely and wiped a few tears away.
"My father never saw the bad in people and believed that everyone had something good in them. He never gave up on anyone and when he loved, he loved unconditionally." He sobbed softly.
"I can stand here all day to tell you how wonderful my father was because that is how long it will take to share all of his qualities with you. I'm not going to do that though, because if you really knew Carlisle, you'd know what kind of person he was," Emmett said with a small smile.
"Dad-" his voice broke and Rose stood to join him and held him tightly, "I'm gonna miss you so much and I will never forget you. I'm proud to be one of your children and I'm proud to have had such an amazing father. Your compassion and love will live on inside of all of us," he said with a trembling voice.
"I love you," he choked out before he grabbed the paper and held onto Rose for dear life. They quickly walked back to their seats and I heard sniffling sounds fill the church.
Tears flooded my face when I heard Emmett's heartbroken sobs above all the rest.
Alice was next to say something about our father and I wondered if she'd be able to pull it off. I was also worried about her pregnancy.
Abbey cupped my cheeks and gave me a sad smile before she moved from my lap to her mother's.
"Daddy, I don't know how we will cope without you for the remainder of our lives. You held this family together and guided us through every obstacle that came our way," Alice said through tears.
Jasper held her tightly when her knees almost gave way from the pain she experienced over the loss of our dad. Her tiny hand grabbed the dress over her heart and she fisted the red material between her fingers. It was obvious that her heart felt like mine; broken, cracked and dead.
"You were taken from us too soon and even though you made peace with your sickness and death, we still wanted you here. We still need you," she whispered.
"Your body may be ripped from our lives but your place in our lives and hearts will never be empty. Your spirit lives on in all of us..." She sobbed loudly and I couldn't contain my sobs any longer.
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, and sobbed loudly as I had to listen to my brother and sister's cries.
"I love you, daddy, and I will never forget about you. You were an amazing man and an inspiration to all of us. Rest in peace, daddy, and wait for us because we'll see you one day in the Kingdom of Heaven," she said sadly before she broke down in Jasper's arms.
He practically carried her back to her seat as she had no strength to stand or walk.
It was my turn and I hoped that I would be able to pull of what I had planned. I hoped that I had strength to stand there and honor my father.
Bella squeezed my hand before I got up and walked to the pulpit. I stared at all the unfamiliar faces with my broken heart pounding in my throat. I had to swallow the sobs away but the tears flowed down my cheeks like a waterfall.
"A very important person was ripped from our lives and it hurts, dammit, it hurts beyond repair," I started my speech.
"Even though we knew that this day would come, we hoped that it was just a dream. We hoped that he would be with us for years to come and that we would see his smiling face every day," I said sadly.
"Dad, you were not only a husband, a father, a grandfather or a friend. You were my inspiration, my rock...my hero," I said before a sob racked through my body.
"I will miss you everyday of forever; I'll miss your smile, your voice, your guidance, our talks, your advice...but most of all I'm going to miss your love and compassion," I whispered.
"You were proud of me even when I didn't deserve it. You loved me when I wasn't even worthy of that love and you never gave up on me even when I was at my lowest point in life," my voice cracked and I rubbed my chest hard. It had been a long time since I did that and I remembered that it never helped soothe the pain but it was something I did whenever I hurt.
"Today I say farewell to you and can't wait to see you again, dad. I love you, dad, my inspiration, my best friend, my hero," I sobbed.
"I have written a song for Carlisle and would like to share it with you," I said to everyone.
I held my hand out for my wife and she came forward with an acoustic guitar. I had wanted Bella to sing with me but she said that this was something I had to do, not only for Carlisle but for myself.
I strummed the chorus and closed my eyes, blocking everyone out. I saw my father holding his arms out for me when I was seven years old and fell down. I saw how I ran to him and he cradled me protectively in his arms.
"You always had the biggest dreams.
From the ground we'd watch you float above the trees. And, oh, I wish we could've seen how high you might have flown with more time."
I sang as I felt the warm tears slipped from my closed eyelids and rolled slowly down my cheeks.
"The way you fought was something fierce. A heart like yours we just assumed would beat forever but I choose to remember you with the sun on your face,"
I sang with a sob stuck in my throat. I missed him terribly and the pain was almost unbearable.
"Now get up and fly,
get up and fly away,
heaven needs you now.
I know you wanted to stay but heaven needs you now."
My fingers trembled as I strummed the song. My heart was beating painfully hard from the excruciating pain I felt over my loss.
"I know you're somewhere out there now,
far beyond these things we'll never understand.
And though your body let you down the same will not be said for your memory, dad. I hope that you can hear me sing, a song for every single year you'll never have. But I choose to remember you with the sun on your face,"
I sang with overwhelming passion and emotion that coursed through my heart.
"Now get up and fly,
get up and fly away
heaven needs you now.
I know you wanted to stay but heaven needs you now..."
I sang the chorus a couple more times as tears streamed down my cheeks. The last time I sang the chorus I basically sobbed it out as my emotions weren't stable.
"Heaven needs you now..."
I choked out and strummed the last notes.
My knees gave out and I fell to them. Heartbreaking sobs racked through my body and echoed through the church as I silently said farewell to my dad.
I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me and opened my eyes for the first time. Emmett and Jasper picked me up and led me back to my seat but not before I noticed how the entire church was bawling their eyes out.
Esme wanted to say something but wasn't sure if she would be strong enough. She was a mess and I didn't blame her for not saying something in front of this church.
Our private jet was ready for us to fly back to the island in the morning with Carlisle's ashes.
Charlie took Tristan and Abbey for the day and promised to bring them back before our flight.
I was lost; my heart, soul and spirit felt empty at that moment. The driven urge inside of me for heroin killed me. The pain was too much and I remember how heroin took that away all those years ago.
"Hey," my wife's voice made my head shot up. "Let's get into the Jacuzzi and just relax," she suggested.
"Urm, I don't know, love, I don't feel like doing anything-"
"Edward, I can see the urges in your eyes. I see it because I have the same urges when things get rough. Let me take your mind off of things for a bit?" She pleaded.
Her brown eyes pleaded with me and the love that shone through them was enough to make me sob all over again. I had no idea what I would've done without her right now; she was my rock, my strength, my everything!
"Okay, love," I said with a poor-ass smile.
Bella ordered me to get in while she was busy in the kitchen.
I had no idea what she was doing but I stripped myself and climbed into the bubbly hot water. It almost calmed me instantly as the hot water bubbled around my naked body. I leaned back and rested my head on the towel pillows Bella placed there and closed my eyes with a trembling sigh.
Today was hard! Saying goodbye and letting go was the most difficult thing to do!
My eyes cracked open when I felt her hands on me. I didn't even hear her get in...
She straddled my body and looked deep into my eyes.
"I love you so much. I know you are hurting and I know nothing I say would take away your pain but I want you to know that I am here and that I love you so fucking much," she whispered while rubbing her hands tenderly over my arms and shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so fucking sorry," I sobbed out before I pulled her down to me and clung to her as if my life depended on it. Her arms went around my body and held me tightly to her chest as I wept.
"You have nothing to apologize for," she whispered sadly.
"I know I've apologized before, love, but I need to do it again. I need you to know how sorry I am for rejecting you all those years ago. I'm sorry for the scar I've left on your heart, for hurting you in the worst possible way," I cried out. "I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were pregnant-"
Her hand clasped my mouth and she looked deep into my eyes, my soul.
"I love you and forgive you. It's time to forgive yourself," she cried.
"That's what Carlisle said," I whispered, remembering his last conversation.
"Then do it!" She grabbed a fistful of my hair and laid her forehead against mine.
My hands gripped her hips before I hungrily sucked her bottom lip into my mouth. I nipped on the soft lip before I released. Our lips moved together slowly and tenderly.
Her hips started moving as she grinded her core against me, slowly.
My tongue darted out, begging for entrance and slowly pushed in when Bella's lips parted. The warmth of the inside of her mouth made me groan and when our tongues touched it felt like heaven. The taste of her warmth made my body tremble with need, so much fucking need.
"I need you, Bella, I need you so fucking much," I hissed out.
"I'm here, I'm yours, Edward, take me. Take from me what you need," she uttered in pure passion.
My hands released her hips and slowly crept up her ribcage where I tenderly cupped her fuller breasts. She threw her head back when my thumbs rubbed over her nipples.
Her hips made circular movements as she desperately craved friction between her legs. I massaged her breasts slowly and tenderly not rushing anything. My dick was hard and strained with need but I needed tenderness and love.
One of my hands slowly crept down her stomach to her center where her heat burned my fingers. Even though we were in water, I could feel how wet she was when my middle finger easily slipped into her opening.
"Ung, fuck, Edward..." She moaned while she slowly moved her lower body on my finger.
I pumped in and out of her before I removed my finger and slipped it upwards to her clit. I rubbed slowly in circles and watched how her eyes rolled back into her head.
"Stop!" She gasped.
A frown creased my forehead in confusion.
"I want you inside me when I cum, Edward," she gasped out.
Her arms snaked around my neck and her fingers curled into my hair at the nape of my neck. She raised her lower body and I reached down to guide my dick to her opening. She lowered herself onto me slowly and we gasped from the sensations it had caused.
Her walls clamped down around my hardness and for a few seconds we only fathomed around the different emotions our connection had caused.
"I love you, Bella," I breathed out hard. Her love surrounded me and overwhelmed me.
"I love you, too," she said while her body trembled with anticipation. She leaned down and kissed me softly. Her tongue ghosted over my lips and prickled my body with electricity.
Bella started moving slowly, rolling her hips and grinding her lower body on mine. I gripped her hips and helped her move to my every need and desire.
Her fingers tugged on my hair while she made slow love to me. Her face was so beautiful and her eyes dilated to a honey gold from the lust and passion her body felt.
It was just Bella and me at that moment. Nothing else mattered but our connection. Nothing else mattered but our souls, spirits, hearts and bodies connected as one.
Bella slowly raised herself before she lowered herself back down onto my dick. I felt her walls clamped and it caused extraordinary sensations inside of me.
"I...ung...love...ung...you," I cried out in passion.
The familiar spring coiled inside of me and I knew I was closer than close.
"I'm gonna...ung...oh, fuck, cum..." She moaned between her movements before her body erupted in spasms. She shook and shivered atop me. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and the most beautiful flush of pink covered her cheeks. Her lips formed an 'oh' and it was heaven watching her cum.
I rose my hips in a fast movement before stars erupted in front of my eyes. My stomach muscles contracted as I came fast and hard. It felt wonderful and overwhelmed me so much that I felt tears prick my eyes and rolled over the brims down my cheeks.
After our bodies calmed down from the sensations we caused, we sat and stared at each other. She wiped my cheeks before she claimed my lips for a passionate kiss.
"You are everything to me," she whispered hoarsely.
"I needed that, love, thank you!" I whispered.
I had almost forgotten about what I had right in front of me. I was so drawn into my own pain and misery that I have pushed Bella away and two hours ago almost went out to search for a drug dealer.
"I know, Edward, that's why I suggested it," she said. "I saw how you pulled yourself away from me and it hurt but I know why you did that. Tonight, though, I saw something different in your eyes and knew it was time to intervene."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, love. I just didn't know how to deal with this...it hurts and it drives me crazy that I'm not able to deal with this pain," I confessed.
"It'll get better. Time heals all wounds and I know you'll get past this in a healthy way," she said, "With your family by your side, supporting you every step of the way."
"How did I get so lucky?" I asked with a genuine smile.
"Oh, I don't know, but I'll tell you a little secret," - she leaned in and cupped her hand around my ear - "I'm actually the lucky one, Cullen!"
"Fuck, I love you so much," I said with raw emotion as my love for Bella overwhelmed me once more.
"I love you, too, Cullen."
That night I made love to Bella again and again in our bed. It felt good and familiar to be buried inside of my wife again. I hadn't made love to Bella since Carlisle's passing because I was so consumed by my own loss and pain that I kinda pushed her away for a bit.
My wife just showed me today that I was nothing without her, that I would be lost without her.
Charlie brought Tristan and Abbey back early the next morning. Charlie accompanied us to the island this time.
"Dad, you look better," Tristan said when we boarded our jet.
"I feel better, Tris. I'm sorry that I was a bit out of it for the last couple of days-"
"Dad, I understand. If I were to be in your shoes, I probably would've acted the same way. I miss him too," he interrupted me.
"We'll get through this together," I smiled. My heart was in pain but I had a family to focus on...a family Carlisle reminded me of in his letter. He begged me not to cry too long and to take care of my family.
All of us were extremely sad when we stepped onto the island. We remembered how excited Carlisle was and how he told my mother about the island.
I could still see his smiling face and how content he looked. Every day we shared with him on the island was a blessing and we saw a completely different side of Carlisle on the island.
My mother clung to the urn that held his ashes and a few tears escaped her eyes when she stared at the spot where Carlisle first told her about Isle Esme.
I untangled my fingers from my wife's and approached my mom.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly.
She nodded slowly and bit down on her bottom lip.
"I miss him and hate myself for all the time we lost because of me. I wish I could turn back time, Edward, because I've wasted years-"
"Mom," I interrupted her and pulled her into my arms, "You can't change the past, however, you can do something about your future. Yes, you've lost years with Dad but be thankful for the time you spent together. Think of all the wonderful hours you shared with dad and don't linger on the bad. It will destroy you," I said.
"I just feel so empty without him," she cried softly.
"All of us do but - like Bella said - time heals all wounds," I said with a smile. "Besides, dad wouldn't have wanted us to be sad all the time. It will sadden him when he sees us sad all the time...he wants us to live life to the fullest."
"I love you, Edward."
"I love you, too, mom." I smiled and hugged her tightly.
Bella and Rose made lunch and we decided to say our final goodbyes afterwards where we'd scatter Carlisle's ashes on the island.
I had a surprise for my family later on. I had a headstone made that would stand on one of his favorite spots: near the waterfall. I ordered it before we left and they promised me that it would be done when we returned.
"Daddy?" My daughter said my name and I turned to her.
"Yes, Princess?" I asked.
"Are we saying goodbye to Grandpa today?" She asked, sucking her lip into her mouth and nipped on it.
"Yes, Princess..." I said sadly.
"I don't want to..." She said softly and I noticed how her lips quivered.
"None of us do, Princess, but I think it will be good for all of us," I said. I didn't really know what to say because the situation was fragile.
"I miss him," she uttered sadly.
"Oh, Princess, I miss him too. But I know he is watching over us and that he would want you to smile - that beautiful smile of yours - at him."
She raised her head to the heavens and the brightest, most beautiful smile appeared on her face. Her eyes sparkled and her face glowed with joy.
"I'm sure that that smile just made Grandpa Carlisle's day, Princess. I'm pretty sure that he is smiling back at you right now," I said.
If only everything in life was as simple as a smile from a child. If only we handled every situation like a child...our lives would be so much easier.
After lunch we took the sad hike to the waterfall. Our feet felt as heavy as our hearts the closer we came to Carlisle's favorite spot.
I saw the headstone before anyone else and smiled. It wasn't anything fancy and Carlisle wasn't that type of person. The words were simple 'In loving memory of Carlisle Cullen'. I had his date of birth and date of passing carved on the granite and then all of our names. And then I had a special picture made that was taken before his death. He looked so peaceful and content.
Gasps were heard when they saw the memorial stone.
"Who did this?" Alice asked. "It's beautiful..."
"I organized it before we left," I answered.
"Wow, Ed, this is...it's amazing," Emmett said.
"I just wanted something here that would honor his life," I whispered.
"It's perfect, Edward," Esme cried.
She opened the urn and sighed loudly.
It was time...it was what he wanted and it was time to say our final goodbyes.
"We want you to sing that song again, Edward," Emmett said. "It was a beautiful song and dad would've loved it," he added with a sob.
I started singing the song with Bella's arms wrapped tightly around me. Her presence gave me strength and I sang my heart out.
"Get up and fly away...heaven needs you now,"
I sang the last words while Esme tipped the urn and we watched how Carlisle's ashes fell out and twirled around and around until a small breeze took his ashes up and away.
Tears flooded my face as I watched my dad's ashes fly away. A raw sob escaped my mouth and I fell to my knees drowning in sorrow.
"Goodbye, dad," I whispered softly. "You are now free from the pain of cancer and the pain you had to suffer on earth. Rest in peace..."
OoOoOo
Thoughts? Tissues?