Olivia sits up and wraps her arms around Jane's waist, pressing her lips to the brunette's shoulder.
"Hey," she says softly. "Hey. You're okay. You're here with me. He's not here."
It takes Jane a frantic disoriented moment to remember where she is. She puts her hands up to her face, rubbing her fingertips against her forehead.
"Do you want me to stop touching you?" Olivia's hands pull away slowly.
Jane shakes her head. "No," she says, voice raspy. "No, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to-"
"Have a full on night terror on our first overnight?" The doctor's voice is soft and teasing, but when Jane rolls over, she sees real concern in Olivia's eyes.
"I'm fine," she says, knowing she sounds a little weak. "I'm fine...what time is it?"
"Just after four."
"Shit," Jane falls back against the pillows, pulling the blanket up around her. "You barely got two hours."
"We barely got two hours, Jane," Olivia says gently. "And it doesn't matter. Today I am off until 9pm, so we can just sleep-" she slides down next to Jane in bed, "or not sleep all day."
Jane sighs and rolls over into Olivia's arms, and the doctor peppers kisses all over her neck and collarbone. "Are you okay?" she asks between contact. "How do you feel?"
"You mean, how are my hips and back after our two hour sex session?" Jane asks, chuckling.
Olivia laughs into her shoulder. "Yes. I guess that's what I mean. Are you sore? Do you have pain?"
"No," Jane says, feeling her stomach tighten as Olivia drags her fingers over her ribcage. She has been dating the doctor for three weeks now, and three days ago, she'd moved out of Maura's guest house.
She hadn't meant to go home with Olivia Lewis tonight, but they'd gone out to celebrate her return to her apartment, and Jane had had a couple of beers and two very strong shots, and the prospect of going back home to her apartment alone had seemed too overwhelming and depressing. They'd been settling the tab, arguing over who had what and whose money was good where, and Jane had been subconsciously picturing Maura's guest house as her final destination. But then Olivia had asked if she wanted a ride back to her apartment and Jane had realized that she didn't belong in the guest house anymore.
"Or…" Olivia had said, looking at her intently, "you can come back to my place...with me."
So what if Jane had said yes out of the momentary panic of having to go home alone, it had felt nice, in the cab, to have someone to hold onto. It had felt nice to slide under the covers with someone and press the healed and hidden parts of her skin to someone elses.
And Olivia had been gentle with her. Attentive and caring and not at all put off when Jane had needed a couple minutes in the middle to exorcise Reagan from her head. She'd done exactly what the detective had asked of her, without question, and then waited for a green light before starting anything up again.
She's funny. She's smart. She's sexy.
I like her. The realization give Jane a thrill of excitement and a pang of guilt. It's okay to like her. It's okay to like her, Rizzoli. Isn't it?
"Wow, you are doing some intense processing over there." Olivia props herself up on her elbow so she can look into Jane's face. "Do you want to share with the class?"
Jane smiles, trying to pull herself out of her own head. "No," she says, and when Olivia looks a little disgruntled, she hurries to make it better. "No! I mean, not because it's bad or anything...Just because it's all...a mess in my head, you know?"
But Olivia's concern seems to deepen. "Shit," she says, looking worried. "It was too fast right? Still too soon into the relationship? You probably wanted to go home and like decompress." She starts to roll away, throwing her arm over her eyes and sighing heavily. "Jesus. Is it totally inappropriate to once again ask you not to sue me for harassment?"
Jane laughs. She rolls over, following Olivia across the bed.
"Hey...Hey. Come here." The doctor allows herself to be scooped up into Jane's arms, and the detective has to admit that it is a lovely feeling. Having her there. "I am not a child," she says against the dark curve of Dr. Lewis' ear. "I am a consenting adult. And I would never sue you."
Olivia is unsuccessful in hiding her smile. "Promises, promises," she says.
Jane kisses behind her ear.
Yes. It is very, very nice.
"What do you want to do today, Detective," Olivia asks, pressing herself more firmly into Jane's arms.
"Mmm," Jane mumbles. "I promised Madison I'd go see her soccer game today. But until 3pm, I'm all yours." Olivia pulls away slightly, tensing, and Jane opens her eyes. "What is it?"
"You're going to see Madison?" Jane can't quite get a read on the other woman's tone.
"Yeah. I promised her that I wouldn't miss a game." She waits, but Olivia doesn't say anything more, just puts her head on the detective's shoulder and sighs.
"What?" Jane asks, trying to keep from jumping to conclusions. "You don't want me to go?"
Olivia hesitates, "...No. No, that's not it," she says slowly.
"It sounds like that's it," Jane replies.
Olivia sighs, moving them both. "You just left there," she says quietly. "You just left there a couple days ago, and we couldn't go out yesterday because you promised to go over for game night, and... Jane...are you sure it's...healthy to be there so often?"
Jane holds her breath for a moment, trying to ease the initial burst of anger that has welled up in her chest. "Uh," she says, stalling for time. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."
Olivia sits up, and Jane sits up next to her, watching her face. "Olivia?"
"I'm worried about you, Jane!" she bursts out, turning to face the brunette, her eyes shiny in the darkness. "You've been putting all of your energy into healing that little girl and her mother, and you're not paying any attention to yourself. You stayed in the guest house longer than you had to, and the more I get to know you, the more I feel like...that's not you at all. It just...it doesn't make sense."
Jane reaches out automatically, thinking of comforting Olivia, but the other woman pulls away, shaking her head. "No," she says. "That's what I mean. You're going to comfort me, and shift the focus, and we'll forget all about you. Which is just what you want."
Jane leans back against the pillows, trying to take this in.
"I...don't want that."
Olivia lets out a burst of air, disbelieving.
"Okay," Jane amends, "I don't mean to want that."
They are silent for a while, Olivia drawing lazy circles on Jane's hip.
"Livvy?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Do you ever...do you ever feel like...trapped?"
The circles stop. "What do you mean?"
Jane runs her hand along her neck, out of habit. "I mean...like to do you ever feel like...you can't move? Like if you move, something will come out of nowhere and…" She trails off, unsure about how she wants to continue.
Olivia kisses Jane's shoulder. "What was your dream about?" she asks.
Jane shrugs. "It doesn't matter. It's over. He's dead."
"Yes," Olivia says firmly, "He is. I'm glad you know that."
Suddenly, Jane doesn't want to be in the conversation anymore. She shakes her head and rolls over onto her side, facing her girlfriend. "Come with me tomorrow," she says, and her diversion has the desired effect. Olivia's eyes light up.
"Really? Are you sure? Isn't it like a...you and the Isles thing?"
Jane thinks this over. "No. Not really. And anyway, Madison's a permanent part of my life, so she should meet you."
Olivia sits up to look into Jane's face. "Are you saying to want me to be a permanent part of your life, Jane?"
Oh. "Yeeah," Jane says slowly, and then with more conviction, "yes. I want that. What do you say?"
Olivia makes a noise like an excited child at a carnival, rolling on top of Jane and pressing them together.
"No," she says breathlessly as Jane opens her mouth. "No talking. Let me show you."
…
…...
It is a little chilly at the park, and when they get out of the car, Olivia comes around to Jane and zips the brunette's coat all the way up.
"You're worse than Ma," Jane says, leaning forward to kiss her. "You know that right?"
Olivia grins. "I will take that as a compliment, because I know that's how you meant it."
Jane takes Olivia's hand. "Yes," she says. "That is exactly what I meant."
"Jane! Over here," Jane turns towards the sound to see Maura waving at them. For a second, Jane can only stare at her. Maura is dressed in a pair of dark denim jeans and a tan wool sweater underneath a grey shearling peacoat.
It's been four days since Jane has seen her, and it feels like a lifetime.
Next to her, Olivia clears her throat, and Jane jerks herself out of her daze and smiles at her girlfriend. She leads her over to where Maura is standing beaming at them. At Jane.
"Hello Jane!" she says, sounding almost as happy as Jane feels. "I'm so glad that you could make it! You look wonderful."
Jane takes a moment to answer, trying not to trip over her tongue. "You look- you look wonderful too," she says, and then, at the slight pressure on her hand from Olivia, "and Olivia is taking good care of me," she adds.
Maura glances at Olivia, and her smile doesn't falter. Not exactly. "Dr. Lewis," Maura says, and she goes to hold out her hand, but then her eyes flick down to see that Olivia's right hand is entwined with Jane's left, and she seems to think better of it. "It's nice to see you again."
"You too Dr. Isles," Olivia says, sounding completely at ease.
Jane wants to change the subject. She searches for Madison out on the field. "How's she doing?"
Maura shifts her attention too, her eyes lighting up again. "She's definitely enjoying herself," she says. "I have doubts about her innate soccer ability, but…" Maura laughs, pointing out onto the field where Madison has run out onto the field with her teammates. Jane barely glances where she's looking. Maura's smile is radiant. She has missed it.
"She is loving it," Maura finishes, turning back to Jane. She seems to smile wider upon noticing that she has Jane's undivided attention. "She's loving it and I have you to thank."
Olivia clears her throat again, and Jane turns to look at her. "Honey," she says, putting her other hand over Jane's now too. "I'm gonna get a hot dog from that vendor over there. Do you want one?"
Jane looks around at the vendor and then back at her girlfriend, wiggling her eyes. "Twooo?" she asks slyly.
"Not with everything," Olivia says, laughing.
"But I'm trying to get my strength back," Jane says pretending to pout. When Olivia looks like she's not going to give in, Jane pulls her into her arms without thinking about it, and kisses the underside of her jam. "Please, baby?"
Olivia pushes her away gently, shaking her head. "You know, one of these days, that is not going to work on me."
Jane grins. "But it did today, right?"
"Two hot dogs with everything," Olivia says, and then to Maura, "would you like anything, Dr. Isles?"
Maura takes a second longer than usual to answer. "Me? Oh...I...no. Thank you. And please call me Maura, of course."
"Maura," Olivia says, sounding happy. "Only if you call me Olivia."
Maura very visibly forces a smile. "Olivia," she says.
Olivia smiles back, and leans over and kisses Jane on the cheek. "I'll be right back."
Jane nods. "Don't forget my relish?" she calls.
Olivia waves over her shoulder to show that she's heard.
Jane turns to see Maura watching Olivia's receding figure, her face an unreadable mask.
"Maura?"
The doctor's eyes jump to her, and she looks a little embarrassed. She looks caught. "Jane," she says, and her smile is tight. "I didn't know you were bringing Dr. Lewis."
Jane shrugs, glancing out onto the soccer field to where Madison has stopped paying attention to the game in order to wave frantically at Jane. She laughs, and waves back, gesturing that Maddie should keep going.
"Yes," she says finally. "She had the day off, and I promised Maddie I'd come...Is that alright?" She's not sure why she's asking Maura permission, but in this case it seems like the appropriate thing to do.
Maura hesitates so briefly that Jane is sure she must have imagined it.
"Yes," she says quickly. "Yes, it's fine with me. I didn't mean to...well...I just meant that I know how busy her schedule must be, and if you two would like to take advantage of her free time, that's not a problem for me." She looks out on to the field, and then back down at her shoes. "And I'm sure Madison would understand."
There is a tone in her voice that Jane does not recognize. She steps a little bit closer to the doctor, And Maura's eyes flick about as high as her shoulder, before dropping back down.
"Hey, Maura?" Jane asks, trying to sound casual.
"Yes, Jane?"
The detective swallows, praying that what she's about to say is the right thing. "I moved out of your house because my injuries healed," she says slowly. "I didn't move out because I wanted to move away from you."
Maura doesn't look at her, but her jaw works for a moment. "I see," she says quietly. "Of course. I understand that you wanted your independance and your privacy. I-"
"Maura, it has nothing to do with either of those things," Jane cuts her off. She runs her fingers through her hair, trying to figure out how to explain her motives without giving herself away. "I couldn't just keep living in your guest house, rent free, indefinitely."
Maura manages to look up at Jane now, her wide hazel eyes innocent and confused. "Why not?"
Jane fidgets. "Because...it wouldn't be right. I'm better. I couldn't keep mooching off of you forever."
The doctor blinks at her and then shifts her focus out onto the soccer field, smiling as her eyes fall on her daughter.
"No," she says after a moment. "I suppose you couldn't. It's not in your nature."
Jane feels herself shiver a little. Isn't that what Olivia told her this morning, during their almost fight? She tries not to think about it. She nudges Maura with her elbow.
"But I haven't disappeared. See?" Jane holds her arms out away from her body, like she's ready to be examined, and Maura takes her words literally, turning to inspect the detective.
Jane feels herself blush a little under the gaze.
"Yes," Maura says, smiling faintly before turning away. "You are here, just like you said you would be." She takes a breath, like she's going to speak, reconsiders, and then tries again.
"I do worry about your health, now that you're gone," she murmurs, almost like she's speaking to herself. "It was nice to know you were just over in the guest house, and if you needed any help, you could just ask."
Jane snorts, making the doctor look around at her. "You sound like my mother," she says. "And like my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend what?" Olivia has returned from the opposite direction, and Jane turns quickly to greet her, so she only catches a millisecond of Maura's expression. It looks...disgruntled.
Jane grins at Olivia. "Maura is worried about my health too," she says, and Dr. Lewis smiles at Dr. Isles and slips her arm around Jane's waist.
"She gives new meaning to the phrase 'suffer in silence,'" Olivia says lightly. "Am I right?"
Maura clearly tries to smile, but the end result makes her look angry. "Certainly," she says. "I told her there was no need for her to move out so...quickly. I was happy to have her."
Jane feels Olivia's hand tighten around her waist, and wonders if it is obvious to Maura as well. "She's still in good hands," Olivia says easily. "And my building has an elevator, so when she comes over she won't have to walk the stairs."
"Uh," Jane doesn't know why she feels the need to intervene, but something about the conversation is making her uncomfortable. "Uh, can she have a say in her recuperation?" she asks with an attempt at a laugh, and both women look around at her.
Maura looks up at her, expression pained. Jane reaches out for her hand without thinking, so for a moment they are all linked together, Olivia holding Jane holding Maura.
And then Jane drops Maura's hand, smiling at her and wrapping her arm around Olivia.
"I'm fine," she says. "Truly. You can both relax." And Olivia stands a little taller to kiss her cheek.
Maura looks away.
…
…...
"So...how long do you think that you're going to be infatuated with Dr. Isles?"
The question nearly makes Jane spit out her beer. She stares across the table at Olivia, trying to make sense of the question, and of the casual, nonchalant way that it has been asked.
"Excuse me?" she asks, trying to stall for time.
Olivia rolls her eyes. "Come on, Jane. There was a blind man at the soccer game today and he even stopped me to tell me my girlfriend had the hots for someone else."
Jane snorts, trying to mask her panic at being found out, and also to get over her shock at how well her companion appears to be taking it. "I...didn't mean…"
"To shoot googly eyes at her for 90 minutes?" Olivia asks, her voice still teasing. "I know you didn't. You made a really valiant effort to pay attention to me, and to the game. Even if the score was 37 to 58." She looks up to see Jane staring open mouthed. "What's this?" she asks. "Are you doing a reenactment of this afternoon? Believe me, I don't need it."
Jane shakes her head dumbly, trying to formulate a coherent sentence that isn't a lie.
"I'm sorry," she says finally. "I...It's really stupid."
Olivia waves her away, taking a swig of her own beer and leaning back in her seat. Her eyes are sparkling mischievously. "Nah," she says. "I get it. Maura Isles is god damn beautiful." She leans forward suddenly and points the neck of her beer across the table at Jane. "But I don't do sloppy seconds, Jane." She grins. "I mean...I'm pretty fabulous myself."
"You're not sloppy seconds," Jane says automatically, a little surprised that this feels true to her.. "I like you a lot, Liv."
Olivia beams at her for a second, before her face drops back into seriousness. "I like you too, Jane. A whole lot. So I have to ask. Did you ask her out and get rejected?"
"No," Jane says, too quickly.
Olivia quirks an eyebrow. "Aw shit," she says sadly. "Are you too scared to do it? Am I your safety school, Rizzoli? What the hell?"
"What?" Jane can't help but laugh. "What? No! Jesus, Olivia, you're not my 'safety school.' I didn't even go to college first of all. Second of all, Maura Isles is straight. Did you miss the kid? Straiight."
It is Olivia's turn to snort into her beer. "Having a child does not a straight woman make, Jane...I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that to you." She pauses, getting up to come around to Jane's side of the booth. She slides in next to the detective, and Jane realizes she likes having Olivia Lewis close to her. Like, really likes it.
"Look," Olivia says, leaning closer to her. "I'm not going to hate on you for falling for another woman. People date to find the one they want to be with, not to stay together with the first woman they see...But where we're going to start to have problems, is when you say you're with me, but long for her. Get it?"
Jane flushes, but nods. "Yeah," she says. "I don't, though. I don't long for her."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." Jane says firmly, trying to banish the image of Maura, smiling at her in the weak October sun. "I...admit that I'm attracted to her. I admit that I checked to see if she could be into me. But she isn't...she can't be. So it's just something I have to get over."
"Natural," Olivia allows, but she scoots closer to Jane in the booth, and puts her hand on the brunette's thigh. "It's natural, and I understand. Even if it makes me want to pull all of her hair out."
Jane laughs, and Olivia watches her mouth. Jane feels a tug of something warm in the pit of her stomach. "But I'm pretty damn attracted to you too, Olivia Lewis," Jane says, making her voice deep and growly, loving the effect it has on her partner.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Olivia tilts her head back slightly, shutting her eyes, and Jane takes the invitation. They kiss, and it is warm and good, and nice.
"You're going to fucking break my heart," Olivia murmurs, but she puts her hand on the back of Jane's neck and pulls her closer, shivering when the detective hums into their next kiss.
"Finish your beer," Jane rumbles. "Let's get out of here."
…
It gets colder. Madison's soccer team plays well into November, and Jane and Olivia show up for everyone. Maura joins the duo, along with Jane's brothers, at the Dirty Robber for Olivia's birthday on the 17th, and Jane begins to feel more balanced. She starts training to go back to work. She is cleared for long distance running, and since Olivia hates even the idea of it, Maura meets her three mornings a week for a run in the park.
Madison gets a small part in the school play, and Jane sits between Olivia and Maura in the front row.
Jane forces herself to see Maura has her friend, and gradually, that's what she becomes. Even if Maura doesn't understand fully the evolution of their relationship, she seems happy to meet for coffee when they can, and accompany her daughter on her outings with Jane when appropriate.
She calls Jane one day near Thanksgiving to tell her that she's left her BPD sweatshirt in their living room.
"I can send it with Maddie this weekend when you guys go see that movie," Maura says, and Jane thinks she sounds a little distracted.
"No," Jane says, "I've been looking all over for that sweatshirt. I love wearing it."
"I love taking it off you," Olivia murmurs. Jane swats at her.
They are on their way to Jane's apartment after a yoga session at the Y. Jane puts her hand over the end of her iphone. "Can we swing by Maura's and grab my sweatshirt?" she asks.
Olivia makes a face. "Now?"
Jane pulls the puppy dog eyes. "Please? I just bent my poor old person body in like a hundred different directions for you, and DO not turn that dirty, Olivia Lewis! Please can we?"
Olivia sighs heavily, but puts her blinker on.
"We'll be there in like ten minutes, Maur, is that alright?"
"Yes," Maura says, sounding a little cheerier. "Yes, that's fine. I'll let Madison know."
"See you soon," Jane says, hanging up. She smiles over at Olivia. "You're the bestest," she says flashing her best smile.
"You know it," Olivia responds.
.
Ten minutes later, Jane knocks on the ornate wooden door of the Isles main house.
"Hi kiddo!" Jane says, smiling down at Madison as she pulls the heavy front door of her house open. But her smile vanishes when she sees Madison's face, tear streaked and miserable. "Madison!" Jane says alarmed, and the little girl starts to cry again, and raises her arms up to Jane, who bends and picks her up automatically.
"Honey," she says into the fluffy blonde curls. "What's wrong?"
"I-I-I love you, Jannne," Madison wails into her shoulder. "Please don't leave me and mommy. Puh-puh-leeze say that you love us too."
Of all the things that she was preparing herself to hear, this tearful confession is not among them. "What?" she says, confused. She tries to pull Madison away from her shoulder so that she can look at her face, but the little girl redoubles her grip.
Jane stands in the foyer for a minute, rubbing the little back and trying to understand what has happened that brought about this kind of greeting.
"Janne," Madison is murmuring against her shoulder. Her tears are subsiding but she hasn't let go yet.
"Shh, kiddo, I've got you," Jane says. She hesitates for a moment longer, and she considers going back outside and motioning to Olivia that she's going to be a little longer, but then Madison sniffs, and pulls her head away from Jane's shoulder. She looks at the detective with wet green eyes and says, "Janie. Why are you separating from us?"
And any thought Jane had of Olivia is gone. She carries Madison into the living room and settles herself on the couch. Maddie tries to snuggle herself in the way she used to, but finds that she has grown too big. This seems to distress her even more, and she starts to cry again.
"Maddie," Jane says gently, and when the girl does not calm, a little more firmly, "Madison. Honey, talk to me. Use your words, like Mommy says to. What's wrong?"
Madison sits up, and takes a deep breath. "I don't want the natural way of things to take the course," she says, eyes filling up with tears again.
Jane stares at her. "What?"
"I don't want the natural way of things to take the course," Madison repeats. "I don't want the in-vel-it-ability to happen now that you are gone."
This sentence makes even less sense than the first, and Jane stares at Madison in silence for a moment before speaking.
"Did you...read that somewhere?" She asks finally.
Maddie nods, wiping at her eyes. "I didn't mean to. It was in a book in the study. Mommy wrote it."
Jane nods, her mind going a hundred miles a minute. "Okay...and it...made you sad?"
Maddie nods too. "So sad, Jane," she says pitifully.
Jane's heart clenches, thinking of all the things Maura could write in a journal that would make Madison sad. Her worries about the child's intelligence, future and ability. Her worries about her own capacity for affection. Jane rubs Madison's back.
"Tell me what made you sad, kiddo," she says gently, "and we'll work on it together ok?"
"Mommy wrote that you're leaving us," Madison says, her wide eyes watching Jane's face. "She says you will stop visiting us. She says you will only visit a little and then you will stop." Maddie collapses into tears again.
And the first sentences miraculously make sense. She can practically hear Maura say them, and it isn't hard to picture her writing them out, in her long elegant hand.
"No," she says, more to herself than to the girl in her lap. "No. She's wrong."
"You can't," Madison says pleadingly. "We love you."
Jane nods. "I know, sweetheart. It's going to be-"
"No!" Madison says, and she slides off of Jane's lap and runs from the room. Jane barely has time to start after her, when she reappears, carrying a notepad covered in writing.
She holds it up to Jane, and the detective takes it, peering down at the hand writing, Maura's small, perfect cursive and her straight uniform lines.
Jane. Jane. Jane Rizzoli. Jane. I love you. Jane.
Jane stares at it, and she can't breathe, and for a moment she thinks that she can't read.
I'm just seeing what I want to see, she thinks stupidly. That's not really there.
But it is. It's there. She blinks, and the words disappear and reappear. Real.
"Mommy wants you to stay," Madison says, and she wraps her arms around Jane's waist and closes her eyes.
That's how Maura finds them about twenty seconds later. She comes around the corner with a wide smile.
"Jane? I thought I heard the doorbell. I'm sorry I took so long. I couldn't find the-" She stops abruptly when she sees the scene in front of her. Jane watches her eyes travel over Madison, who hasn't moved, up Jane's torso to the pad of paper in her hand.
Her face goes as pale as snow.
"Oh," she she says, a quick inhalation. "Oh, God."
And suddenly, Jane is mad. Suddenly she is furious, and all she wants to do is get back into the car and go home. Get in the car and...
Oh God, Olivia.
Jane doesn't look at Maura. She doesn't say anything to her, but she bends down and gently detaches Madison from around her waist. She picks the little girl up and sets her on the couch, wiping the tears away with the pad of her thumb.
"I have to go, kiddo," she says quietly.
Madison shakes her head.
"Yes, I do," Jane says again. "But listen. Are you listening?"
A nod.
"I will never stop visiting you. You're my pal. You're the greatest. I'm going to be around for you, always."
Madison's shoulders shake, but she doesn't say anything.
Jane stands up. "I'll see you soon, baby. I promise. Really soon," she says, and without looking at Maura, she starts to make her way back towards the front hall.
Madison doesn't move to follow her, but the doctor does. Jane feels her anger heighten.
"Jane," Maura follows her towards the door. "Jane...please. Let me explain."
"No," she says, but she turns around anyway, facing Maura, back to the front door. "How could you possibly explain this?" She holds up the pad of paper.
Maura bites her lip. "I didn't...I didn't know how to tell you. I thought you would think that I was just saying it because of Madison… and I can't...I can't say that she isn't a part of this. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was just runoff from her feelings. She was so enamored of you, and I was catching the wake of that...but...Jane." Maura rambles, stepping closer to the detective, her face exquisite with pain.
Jane shakes her head, mostly because she is struck by the sudden image of Maura in her arms, the doctor's lips on her neck.
"No," she says firmly. "How dare you do this to me now."
Maura swallows, flinching like she's been hit. "Don't go," she says. Please. Let me-"
Jane puts her hands out, like the doctor is going to lunge at her. Her heart feels broken. She feels like her heart has broken and now the pieces are stabbing at her from the inside. "Maura, I...I can't…"
"Please don't go."
"You had almost two months to say something. You...I…"
"You could have said something too."
"I put out dozens of feelers. I...I practically asked you if I could date Olivia!"
"...Yes. You did."
"You didn't say anything. And now...I have...I have this woman I really like!"
"Please don't go, Jane. I. I'm so in love with you."
"I can't do this. I can't believe you're doing this, and I can't do this now. Olivia is in the car, Maura. She's waiting in the car. For me."
"No. No she's not. But right now, she really wishes she were."
Jane closes her eyes, hoping that she's just imagined that voice. But when she opens them, she can see Maura's horrified eyes staring over her shoulder, and she knows that it is real. She wants to swear. She wants to say every swear word that she knows. Instead she turns around to look at her girlfriend.
"Liv," she says, and she wants it to come out like an apology, but it comes out like surprise.
Olivia lets out a little breath, and then she beckons Jane towards her.
"Come on," she says softly. "I'll take you home."
Jane doesn't look over her shoulder when she heads towards the door after Olivia. She feels like she owes her at least that small courtesy.
.
The car ride is stony silent, and when they pull up in front of Jane's building, Olivia puts the car in park and then puts her face in her hands.
The guilt that was building all the way home finally washes over Jane. She feels tears in her eyes. "Fuck," she says. "Liv I-"
But Olivia shakes her head, and when she moves her hand, Jane can see that her eyes are dry.
"It's not your fault, Jane," she says. She sounds tired. "I asked the wrong questions."
Jane blinks. "What? Olivia, listen I don't-"
"Oh yes you do," Olivia cuts her off. "Don't start lying now, Jane Rizzoli. I want to at least end things respectfully."
Jane is silent for a moment, trying to think of the right thing to say. "I told her I was with you. Did you hear that part?"
Olivia nods at the steering wheel with a little laugh. "Oh yeah, I heard that. I heard it all."
"And...I'll tell her I can't be with her."
"Well, that's stupid, because then you won't have anyone."
"What? Yes I will, I'll have you."
Olivia manages a very genuine smile. "I told you I don't do seconds, Rizzoli."
Jane shakes her head. "But you were here first," she says, and she cannot really blame Olivia for laughing.
"Don't insult me," she says gently. "I really like you. I don't want to have to stop that."
Jane reaches out tentatively, relieved when the other woman lets her take her hand. "I really like you too," Jane whispers. The tears are back, and she fights them, embarrassed.
"I know," Olivia says, smiling again. "God, you don't make it easy on a girl, do you?" She leans forward and kisses the side of Jane's mouth. "You're so fucking honorable that you'd let me drive you back there so you could tell her that you're with me. And that's that." Olivia pulls back, and glances at Jane, and then away. "You'd even probably be happy with me. We'd be happy together. If we worked at it."
Jane can almost see it. If she makes herself. "So..."
"Beautiful, honorable, brave, sexy," Olivia shakes her head again. "And totally head over heels for someone else."
Jane wipes angrily at her eyes. "Liv…" she begins, but finds that there's nothing to fight against. "I didn't want it to go this way," she says finally.
"Me neither."
"I'm really, really sorry."
"I know. And wouldn't you know it, even sorry looks good on you."
Jane laughs. "Watch it," she says softly. "You're not my girlfriend anymore. I could sue you for harassment.
Olivia clasps her hands, like she's praying, and lifts her eyes to the heavens. "Get outta my car, you asshole," she says fondly. Jane pushes the door open.
"Will I see you around?" She asks, bending back from the curb to look in at the doctor.
"Not for a while I think," Olivia says, turning the ignition over. She must be able to tell that this bothers Jane because she smiles again. "Don't worry, Jane," she says, teasing. "I'm sure I can find another single cop lesbian who wants a family and is willing to sacrifice herself for strangers. They hurl themselves out of windows all the time. I'm bound to get another one."
Jane laughs, and stands up. "Bye, Liv."
Olivia guns the engine of her car. "See ya, Rizzoli."
…
…
It's past midnight when the knocking on the door wakes Jane up. She sits straight up in bed, disoriented and dehydrated, the banging on the door reverberating in her head like a cannon.
"Wait," she calls out, reaching out blindly for her sweatshirt. "Wait...I'm coming."
The pounding stops.
Jane slides out of bed, pulling her sweatshirt over her head. She pads out into the living room and presses her face against the door, looking through the peephole.
Maura Isles stands on the other side, a bundle in her arms that can only be Madison, and it is for the little girl, and not her mother, that Jane slides the two deadbolts and turns the lock to open the door.
"Maura," she begins, but the smaller woman steps forward, speaking over her.
"Please just hear me out," she says desperately. "I know it looks like I'm using my child to see you, but she's been inconsolable all night, and I...I finally gave in and said we could come see you. She fell asleep in the car, but I came anyway because I didn't want her to wake up and think that I'd lied to her. I want her to trust me the way she trusts you...and...I thought if you really truly didn't want me here, you could keep her for the night. That way she'll know I wasn't lying and-"
But Jane steps forward and takes the sleeping child from Maura's arms, turning away. "Come in, Maura," she says quietly. "Do all the locks behind you."
She moves back into the living room, listening as Maura slides the locks into place. All her anger from earlier has disappeared. Jane doesn't know if it vanished as Olivia drove away, or if it dissipated when she fell into a fretful sleep a couple hours ago.
She grabs an afghan off the back of the chair and tucks Madison in on the couch. Then, without looking to see where Maura is, she turns and heads into the kitchen, intent on getting something to quench her thirst.
With her head in the refrigerator, She hears rather than sees Maura enter the kitchen. She takes her time selecting a bottle of water, and when she stands up, she doesn't look over to where the doctor stands.
"Jane," Maura tries, but the detective holds up her hand and Maura falls silent.
For a while, there is nothing but the sound of the clock over the oven, ticking away. And then, Jane starts to speak.
"He bound us," she says quietly, taking a sip of her water. "Reagan did. The first nights, before he'd gotten my collar fitted right, he would tie me up...like hogtie. Madison would come and drip water into my mouth after he was asleep."
She pauses, considering the water bottle in her hands. Maura doesn't interrupt her.
"We escaped," she continues after a second. "Well, I mean...a lot of really awful shit happened in between. I watched him beat her...she watched him beat me...He -" Jane swallows, "he...did a lot of really, awful things. But we escaped and I got better physically. And…I thought 'good! great! the feeling will go away now."
Jane stops talking and Maura waits a long, long time before prompting her.
"What feeling?"
Jane sighs. "Like I'm still bound," she says softly. "Like I'm still tied up there and I can't get free. I thought if I just...kept going. Kept moving. If I helped you and Madison. If I got together with Olivia. It would stop. I would be free again...really free."
She doesn't hear Maura step up to her, but suddenly the doctor's hand pressing at the back of her neck. Suddenly Maura is in her arms and she is surrounded by her.
"Maura?" Jane has trouble making herself say the name.
"Yes?"
"Do you ever…" she closes her eyes. "Do you ever feel like...trapped?"
Maura holds her breath for a moment. "What do you mean?"
"I mean...like to do you ever feel like...you can't move? Like if you move, something will come out of nowhere and…"
"Jerk you back?" Maura fills in.
Jane pulls back to look at her, astounded. "Yes," she says. And her hand drifts up to her neck. "Yes, just like that."
Maura reaches up and takes Jane's hand in her own. Slowly, she pulls the hand down to her lips, kissing each finger.
"There are videos," she says quietly, "on the internet, of these penguins who have been in captivity for most of their lives. The scientists carry them in cages to the beach and set them free. But they don't go. They don't know how."
Jane feels like crying. She feels like something inside of her is loosening. Releasing. Maura kisses her fingers again.
"The moment I loved you," Jane says slowly, and Maura freezes. "The moment I loved you was that day in the hospital. You told me to sit up straight, and that it would hurt less if I did."
"Anyone could have told you that."
Jane nods, "Yeah, but no one did. Everyone was too busy...coddling. And just now...just now you knew exactly how…"
"I loved you the moment you beat me at chess. The exact moment I realized it was Checkmate." Maura's eyes travel the length of Jane's neck. The brunette shudders involuntarily.
"He's not real," she whispers, and her hand on Jane's arm tightens. "He's alive in your head, yes...but it's not real."
Jane closes her eyes, and then finds that she can't bear not looking at Maura.
The doctor looks back at her, concerned and affectionate. Beautiful. "I could help you," she says softly. "Or I could try. I could help...unstick you."
Jane has never wanted anything the way she wanted to hear those words. She takes a shaky breath, and leans forward, resting her chin against Maura's forehead.
"What if it doesn't work?" Jane whispers into the other woman's golden hair. "What if...what if it doesn't work?"
Maura pulls back, looking up into Jane's face, and the brunette slides her hands around Maura's waist, holding tight.
Maura looks at Jane for a moment longer, and then she leans forward, so their lips are almost touching.
Jane feels the breath of her words before she can process them.
She closes her eyes.
"Let's try," Maura breathes.
And she leans forward and presses her lips to Jane's.