For the next three weeks, Dean saw Castiel for counselling and both of them shared the frustrations of being with hot and cold lovers. Castiel found himself laughing at Dean's jokes, sharing Dean's pain, and having some of the more interesting conversations he'd ever had with patients. It helped, he thought, that Dean was a very pleasingly proportioned man. One might almost say attractive…
"Hey." Crowley was already dressed again, and scrutinising Castiel. "Earth to brainbox."
"Sorry?"
"You're a little distracted. Anything the matter?"
"No." Castiel lied, guilt already tearing him up inside. He knew, now, that he had to end it with Crowley. He had come over here to suggest a more permanent break, and had ended up somehow being charmed into bed once more. He felt filthy at the mere thought of it, more so when he guiltily admitted to himself that he had been imagining his own patient for a considerable amount of the time. There were many things about this situation that were unhealthy, and he had to start facing them.
Crowley just flashed an insincere smile and took a clean pair of socks from his dresser.
"I…" Castiel spoke without really being in charge of his senses. "I don't think we should see each other any more."
"Oh." Crowley said, looking up. He considered this. "Was it that bad?"
"No, it's not a decision based on the quality of our intercourses. I feel that we have been caught in a negative cycle for some time now, and I cannot in good conscience counsel patients about healthy relationships when I myself am engaged in…"
"Unhealthy?" Crowley repeated, a dangerous edge to his voice. "I can't help but take this somewhat personally, Castiel."
"It is not a personal decision." Castiel flushed, struggling to climb off of Crowley's bed and dress himself, the few fleeting moments of intimacy obliterated in the face of reality. "We make each other unhappy…"
"Do we?" Crowley scowled at him.
"Crowley, you cannot say you are happy with our arrangement." Castiel stared at him for a moment, before sighing and turning away. He buttoned his shirt, shrugging awkwardly as he felt Crowley's eyes on him. "I feel that we have… run our course."
"Well…" Crowley approached slowly, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I can't say I'm not surprised, but… well. I shan't force you to stay where you don't want. Perhaps you're right. I hope we can at least stay professional once term starts."
"I was hoping we could remain friends. I would consider us…"
"Yes." Crowley nodded, patting Castiel's shoulder. "No hard feelings and all that jazz."
It had been oddly simple, and Castiel almost felt insulted by the straightforward nature of the transaction. Or he would have, if he had been able to tame his thoughts and drag them away from Dean damn Winchester. It hadn't been helped when Dean turned up two days before his scheduled appointment, and started causing a ruckus.
"Doctor DiAngelo is very busy right now and…"
"Look, he's got to have a little free space, I just really need to …"
"I can't… Mr. Winchester, please, just…"
Castiel opened the door to his office, to see Becky cowering behind her computer screen as Dean scowled down at her. He cleared his throat, and felt his heart melt a little bit at the relief in Dean's eyes. Then he felt like utter scum for being so attracted to his patient. Repress and deny, he told himself. Professionalism, always professionalism.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Cas, I need to talk to you. Like, right now." Dean looked frightened, almost pursued. He had worried himself into a state of near trauma, and Castiel, professional or not, could not in good conscience turn him away.
"Rebecca."
"It's Becky."
"My apologies. How long until my next appointment?"
"Well, you've got twenty minutes, but…"
"Will twenty minutes be sufficient?"
"Yeah." Dean seemed to sag with relief. "yeah, thanks. Thank you so much, I just…"
"Why don't you step into my office, Dean. Sit down."
"Thanks." Dean practically stumbled over to Castiel's desk, leaning against it. Castiel flashed an apologetic smile at Becky and shut his office door.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I've… I've been trying to avoid him, but he just, he keeps calling me, and the longer I stay away, the more difficult it gets. And I just… I want him out, ok? Out of my life. Once and for all, for good."
"I see." Castiel nodded, fighting off the inappropriate suggestions with a stick as they leapt into his brain. Not only would hugging, kissing or professing unyielding, intensity-of-a-thousand-white-hot-suns love be incredibly unhelpful, but at this point in Dean's journey of self-acceptance, it could quite feasibly push him over the edge into a gibbering wreck. A fairly attractive gibbering wreck, thought the unhelpful bit of Castiel's brain, which he decided may as well be named "Gabriel" for all the help it was offering him.
"That's it? I take my stand and have a big defining moment and all you can say is "I see"? Not exactly filling me with confidence…"
"No, you're right. This is good, this is healthy. But, do you honestly feel you are ready to confront him?"
"Not yet." Dean admitted. "But… but if you could be there with me…"
Castiel blanched, and sat quickly behind his desk. The desk was nice. It was safe. It said he was a doctor, Dean was a patient, and anything else was irrelevant.
"That would be… inappropriate."
"No, not like… Just, if we went to a restaurant or something, and you could be there for moral support. Please?"
Castiel stared at the top of his desk. Dean sighed and pushed the chair away as he stood. He turned a hurt glare on Castiel.
"You're the only person I've ever talked to about this who gets it. Everyone else just makes jokes about me being in the closet or tells me it's messed up, they don't really help me. Not like you have. Please, Cas, you wouldn't even have to say anything. Just… Just be there with me. Please. I could use a friend."
Castiel had a whole new understanding of the term "emotionally torn". He cleared his throat again, and rested his hands flat on the top of the desk. He smiled calmly at Dean.
"I will see you at your appointment in a few days. We will rehearse the situation and help to prepare you for the conflict. Then you will set up the meeting, and I will do my best to attend and provide the moral support you need."
"Seriously? Thanks, Cas. You…" Dean looked for a moment like he was about to hug him, but settled for slapping him on the back. "You're awesome. Thanks."
"It's… you're welcome."
"Yeah… I should probably let you get on with your day, right? Sorry for freaking out."
Castiel wasn't listening any more. He smiled and nodded along until he heard the office door shut as Dean left, and then let his head fall flat onto the desk.
He was, effectively, doomed.
(-*-)
Dean had enough to worry about.
Bobby was sick. Jo was away at college. Sam was getting fairly serious with Gabriel, regardless of how much of a bad idea Dean told him it was. Crowley was phoning him almost every day, and Dean's phone, as a result, was almost permanently turned off. The cassette player in the impala had broken and he couldn't find a replacement, which meant he'd have to get a CD player and get all his favourite cassettes on CD. They were permanently running out of things like milk and bread. Sam was being a pissy bitch about his school grades. He'd lost a hundred dollars last week on what had always been his favourite ice hockey team, but now he was a hundred dollars out, his opinion of them had cooled somewhat.
Point was, a Big Gay Freak-Out with capital letters was not something he needed right now, and the patented repress and deny method wasn't working. He felt like the little boy with his thumb in the breaking dam. Dyke. Dammit.
Dean shook his head, and resisted the urge to get out and slam it in the car door.
The traffic light turned green, and he carried on driving to Castiel's office.
He couldn't believe Castiel was in the same situation as him. Or, had been, until he'd ended it. His telling Dean about that was what had inspired him to take the leap. "If he can, I can" sort of musketeers logic.
He still couldn't believe someone would be so cruel to a guy who was as nice as Castiel. He understood the concept of good things happening to bad people… in fact, his life was kind of based around it. But Castiel seemed like a genuinely nice guy who trusted so much in other people that it didn't even seem to occur to him that they were dicking him around.
It almost irritated him, seeing such a good guy treated so badly. But whatever. It wasn't his business. He had hoped Castiel would be a friend, after he'd finished counselling, but that was after. For now, he had to focus on the task. He had to end his whatever-it-was with Crowley. He had to admit it was bad, end it, and move on. Then he could figure out the rest of it.