Sex feels good.
That was the sentiment that Dean had based a rather large portion of his life on. Of course, as he'd gotten older and wiser, he'd added a few provisos.
Sex feels good… if it's done right.
Sex feels good… if you're just the right amount of drunk.
Sex feels good… with other men.
But he'd never felt anything like what he felt when he was with Castiel.
Castiel needed a whole new word, just for him and the ridiculous, possibly illegally good way he made Dean feel. Castiel's bed, Castiel's sheets, Cas himself, the apartment… Dean was wrapped up in all of it, and this might be the alcohol talking but it was incredible. He was pretty sure he blacked out for a moment, when he came.
And when he woke up, there were two things he was very, very sure of.
One, the hangover that had taken up lodging in his brain meant he was getting old, and two, he was officially out.
Yeah, so maybe he hadn't actually told anyone at Thanksgiving, like he'd intended to… like he'd told Cas he had… but he just hadn't been ready, that was all. He looked across to see Castiel sleeping next to him, and he knew, now he was ready. Now he had something worth speaking up for. He'd tell Sam, and Bobby, and Ellen… and Jo, although the teasing he'd get would be dire… tell them all that he was gay, and then he'd come back to Castiel and it would be like he'd never lied in the first place. No problem.
Also, if he was honest, he was getting tired of having to hide it all from Sam. Yes, Sam was busy being a big mushy girl with Gabriel, but he still had to live with the moose. It made it difficult, and he didn't like lying and sneaking around. Not when the truth was clearly so much easier. And resulted in more Castiel. Speaking of which…
He nudged Cas off his shoulder, flexing his arm. His arm sent some grumbling pins and needles back to him, but Dean ignored it.
"Cas?"
"Nnguh."
"Cas?"
"'S Sunday. No work."
"I know. I was wondering if you wanted breakfast."
Cas lay still for a moment, before prizing his head away from the pillow and blinking owlishly at Dean.
"Am I dreaming you? It would explain a lot if I was…"
"Show me where you keep the coffee." Dean grinned, feeling far too happy. He was glad he wasn't at his and Sam's, Sam would never let him forget behaviour of this soporiphic girlitude.
Cas sat up, grabbed Dean's neck and pulled him in to a kiss, before slinking out of bed and shrugging on a robe.
"Come on, then. Let's feed you."
(-*-)
Castiel grinned sheepishly, barely concealing a smile as Dean relaxed into one of the kitchen chairs, apparently sated by the aromatherapy of bacon and coffee.
"Could you butter some bread for me?"
"Sure." Dean took the loaf of bread from the counter next to Castiel, and selected a bread knife.
"Butter, ketchup, barbeque sauce and cheese are in the fridge, if you could…"
"Really?" Dean's smirk became positively wolfish. "That sounds like a pretty amazing sandwich."
"You have a problem with that?" Castiel shone another sheepish smile, prodding the bacon around the frying pan with a wooden spatula.
"No, no… I just always had you for a health-freak. Someone who eats salad."
"I try to watch what I eat. Having something like this for breakfast is a rare occurrence." Castiel admitted. "Which is why I'm going to do it right."
Cas smirked again, licking bacon grease off his thumb before he caught himself. He turned embarrassed eyes on Dean, who was looking at him like he might be made of bacon too.
"What? Do I have grease on my face?"
"No." Dean swallowed, a blush creeping over his cheeks. "You're just… you say stuff sometimes… I'm not used to being allowed to want someone… a guy… you, like this." He shrugged. Castiel smiled, resting the spatula on the side and slipping his arms around Dean's waist.
"You are allowed to speak your mind, Dean. Here, with me, you're safe. You can say how you feel."
"I… You're awesome, Cas." Dean smiled, his eyes locked hungrily on Castiel's lips. "Thank you for being awesome."
"Thank you." Castiel replied, leaning forward and brushing his lips against the taller man's. "Just in general."
Dean let the kiss linger, brushing lips and slowly pressing for more contact, bacon sizzling and kettle humming in the background, the world around them fading away into a haze.
Then Dean's phone rang, and Castiel turned quietly back to the bacon as Dean cursed.
"Yeah, what?" He said into the phone, earning himself an amused smirk from Castiel. "No," Dean grumbled into the phone, buttering bread and slicing cheese as he did. "I'm just… I went out to Bobby's."
Castiel tensed. Dean had requested that their relationship be kept secret from Sam and Gabriel, although he had been a little vague on the reasoning, Castiel had presumed it was to do with the stigma of dating one's ex-counsellor. He couldn't help but feel a little bad.
"I left my jacket there so I went out to get it." Dean was still lying. "Want me to pick anything up on my way back?"
Castiel took the slices of cheese from Dean and rested them on top of the bacon to melt them, finding a small relief in the way the oil hissed, covering up Dean's words. Covering them, but not erasing them.
Dean stayed for breakfast, before giving Castiel another kiss and making his way out.
Castiel marked papers. Looked through case studies. Generally found ways to keep himself busy and keep his mind off of Dean and his secrecy. None of them worked, of course, and as such he was actually relieved to get a phone call from Gabriel when he was sat down to lunch.
"Hey, you know how you're a fundamentally boring human being with no social life whatsoever?"
"And good morning to you too."
"It's afternoon, actually. And you know I don't like to repeat material. Look, are you doing anything this evening? I was thinking you and Pamela could wine and dine… spend some time inducting Sam into our warped little family."
Castiel supposed, if he was going to be such a bad counsellor, he may as well make the effort to be a good brother.
(-*-)
When Castiel arrived, Sam, Gabriel and Pamela were already half way through the first bottle of wine, and therefore they decided his arrival was the perfect reason to open another. It was from such a beginning that the evening progressed, the four party members getting slowly more drunk, occasionally looked in on by Gabriel's dog, Murdock. The party had a simple enough mission statement: Sam wanted to know all the embarrassing details of Gabriel's childhood.
Castiel, watching Sam and Gabriel curl up on the couch, rejoicing in their openness as a couple, was not at all jealous and only happy to help someone else reach the kind of happiness he could never achieve for himself.
He pulled the bottle of wine slightly closer and perched on his ottoman like a wet cat. Pamela was holding court.
"No, it's fun!" She insisted. "Svad was this huge Norwegian guy, and he basically turned Gabriel into his prison bitch." Gabriel was burying his face in Sam's arm, having the decency to at least pretend to be ashamed.
"He had him pretending to be a woman and everything."
"Not pretending…" Gabriel protested. "Just… dressing like one."
"And that is a story I do not wish to hear." Castiel grumbled, as he downed what remained of his wine before instantly filling it again.
"Oh come on," Gabriel grinned like a fox. A fox that was very intent on not only catching the chickens, but making them beg for the swift jaws of mercy. Castiel hated that grin. "This is brotherly bonding. Sam and Dean know all this stuff about each other…"
"Yeah," Sam chuckled, his eyes swimming slightly with the wine. "But in fairness, it's not like I want to know the ins and outs of Dean's love-life."
Castiel hoped he concealed his guilty start, but he had never been a good liar, and alcohol wasn't helping. Gabriel's eyes narrowed.
"Castiel?"
"Dean…" Castiel muttered, before shooting a sidelong glance at Sam. He could tell them. Right here, right now, out their whole sordid affair and get it over with. But then… He would most likely lose Dean. That thought sent a shard of ice into his stomach. "It's nothing."
"What?" Sam struggled to sit up a little more, against Gabriel's weight. "I thought you and Dean were friends now. He said about making your hockey games a regular thing."
"Yes." Castiel shrugged, eyes on the floor. So that's the excuse Dean had come up with. "It's nothing."
"Castiel." Gabriel sat up, his bossy big brother tone firmly in place. "Is this to do with the thing we talked about before thanksgiving?"
Castiel adamantly refused to look at Gabriel or Sam, instead opting to stare at the floor. He felt his cheeks grow hot under the continued scrutiny of the group. 'The thing they had discussed before Thanksgiving'' here referred to the conversation in which Gabriel and Pamela had told Castiel it was morally fine to pursue one of his clients. Why did he listen to the stand up comedians, of all people?
"Castiel?"
Damn. No way out. They could not, and would not, be distracted.
"Yes."
"Has something new happened?" Pamela bounced in her seat at the prospect of gossip. "Do tell."
Castiel shot another awkward, wary glare at Sam, before silently imploring to Gabriel. Surely, if nothing else, Gabriel would know his bother well enough by now to understand that he couldn't possibly speak freely in present company, and therefore the whole issue should be dropped and, more importantly, a third… or fourth, now he counted, bottle should be opened.
Gabriel, being his normal, useless self, shrugged.
"Up to you, bro. He'll find out one way or another, eventually."
Sam poked Gabriel in the ribs, and Castiel bit back the urge to vomit. Damn their adorableness.
"What? What is going on?"
Castiel sighed, wondering exactly how much he could say without giving the game away.
"Dean's a confusing man." So far, the total, unerring truth. "I had hoped that, once he was no longer a client… being no longer bound by professionalism… I had hoped to… get to know him better." Castiel shot another glance at Sam here, hoping he didn't find the idea repellent or objectionable. Or, you know, hilariously unlikely to ever happen. Because that had been what Castiel had thought, on occasion.
"But?" Gabriel was watching him carefully, and Castiel had a feeling he was already suspicious.
"But he doesn't…" Delicacy, he decided, would be called for. "Sometimes he seems like he reciprocates, and sometimes he seems like he doesn't want to know, and I don't know where I stand with him. It's just gotten more and more confusing."
Technically, it was all true. Castiel had just handily omitted the part where they were already sleeping together, on the grounds that he was sure no one wanted to hear such details in a polite conversation.
Gabriel held out his hand to Castiel.
He knew. Maybe not the full, un-edited version, but Gabriel always knew when something was wrong with his little brother. Castiel took Gabriel's hands, guilty for having lied, but grateful that, if one person in this world would understand, it would be Gabriel. Gabriel's eyes swam drunkenly as he gripped Castiel's hand.
"Dean doesn't know what he's doing. Be patient, and he'll figure out what he wants."
"Wait." Sam said, the facts finally permeating his brain. He looked at Castiel, who was suddenly snapped back into the danger zone. "Castiel, are you… do you…"
Castiel flushed and glared at the floor again.
"Castiel has realised that he and Dean have a lot in common," Gabriel said, and although Castiel couldn't bring himself to look, he knew Gabriel was giving Sam a 'be tactful, you ox' sort of glare. "And if Dean is gay, as pretty much everyone suspects, he would like to be there to support Dean throughout the… difficult period of adjustment."
"Oh… Oh! Oh, well… Cas, if you can bring him out of the closet, more power to you. He won't listen to any of us, but… I think he might listen to you."
In that moment, in that one phrase, Castiel's whole world flipped ninety degrees to the left. He looked at Sam, seeing pure, unassuming correctness in his eyes. Dean had not told Sam, or Gabriel, or presumably anyone else, that he was gay.
That was why he'd asked they play at secrets. He was still living a lie.
As the slow trickle of lies and ramifications became obvious to Castiel, he flashed what he hoped was a sincere-looking smile, and drank more wine. There was so much to consider, and Sam and Gabriel both seemed so proud, no doubt thinking they had helped him.
Dean had lied. Dean was not an adjusted, healthy man. He still needed a counsellor. Castiel had only been too happy to take advantage; he should have checked, should have spotted the lie, but he hadn't, he was just so afraid of missing his chance and having Dean walk right out of his life… He couldn't afford to think about it here. He had to at least pretend to be happy for tonight. So, he thought, bitterly, what would Dean do?
He forced a laugh, and decided to return the conversation to the earlier ground of Gabriel's childhood.
"Who remembers the time Gabriel sabotaged the school production of Romeo and Juliet?"
Pamela and Gabriel both laughed. Castiel pushed another smile at Sam.
"You see, Gabriel had wanted a main part, such as Romeo, Tybalt or Mercutio, but instead they had cast him as one of the assorted Capulets. He was… fourteen, I believe?"
"Thirteen." Gabriel corrected.
"And he held a grudge. So, in the middle of the opening night performance, he runs up to the gallery with one of the other disgruntled actors… I believe she had been cast as lady Montague… and they proceed to moon everyone on stage."
"Seriously?" Sam laughed, staring at Gabriel.
"What? We were making an artistic statement. Weren't we, Lady M?"
"You know it." Pamela grinned, sitting back.
"Of course…" Gabriel chuckled, "it became a little less artistic when some dick moved the curtains so we were on display to everyone."
Pamela laughed and squeezed Sam's hand.
"Surprised, Sam? Please, someone tell me he's pulling a shocked face?"
"His jaw is in his lap." Gabriel grinned. "Which makes a change to it being in mine." Gabriel laughed, shielding himself from the various pillows and shoes that were thrown at him. He hiccoughed a slightly tipsy chuckle, and nuzzled further into Sam's arms. Castiel suppressed a jealous urge to take the bottle of wine and lock himself in the bathroom.
"You love me really. You all think I'm hilarious."
"Close." Pamela said, smiling. "We all like to laugh at you. That's almost the same."
Gabriel blew a raspberry at her, and she blew one right back. Sam laughed.
"Nice to know we're all mature here."
"They're comedians." Castiel shrugged, hoping that an active conversation would distract him from the breakdown he could feel approaching. "It's not like they had to grow up, like the two of us."
"Whoa!" Gabriel laughed, "I'm wounded, Castiel! Ouch!"
"Yeah, don't hold back." Pamela agreed. "Say what you really think."
"I am so mortally offended…" Gabriel announced, standing up, "that I have to go to the bathroom." He slapped Sam on the thigh as he left.
"Oh god." Pamela giggled, wiping a tear from her eye. "This is good. Sam, you should hang out with us more often."
"Yes, it is good to have another sane human being in the group." Castiel mumbled, draining his glass. He opened another bottle and poured out another round. It wouldn't do to be drinking alone. Pamela laughed.
"Oh, isn't he adorable when he's drunk?"
"Thanks." Sam grinned. "I like this, too. It's fun to really spend time with you guys. I guess you're kind of the closest thing Gabriel has to family."
"Yeah." Pamela sighed. "Poor guy never made life easy for himself."
"Gabriel…" Castiel began, before moving so that he was next to Sam on the couch. Gabriel was a subject he knew much of, and could happily focus on. "You need to understand, Gabriel has done a lot that I don't think he'll ever forgive himself for. Introducing us to his dates is possibly a bigger sign of commitment than I think I've ever seen him display."
"So…" Pamela chipped in. "No pressure."
The phone rang, cutting through the group's laugh. Sam chuckled, and got to his feet.
"I've got it."
"The phone, or Gabriel's burgeoning insanity?"
"Both." Sam smiled, before running to the kitchen and grabbing the phone.
Castiel sat back, and was slightly surprised to feel Pamela gripping his hand.
"Are you ok?"
He thought for a moment.
"Don't lie to a blind woman, Cas, it'll only make you feel worse."
"No." He said, at length. "No, I'm not."
"Is it Dean? Or are Rocky and Bullwinkle just giving you cavities?"
"Who?"
"Never mind." She patted Castiel's knee, a smile in her voice. "I'm here, whatever it is."
"I know." Castiel sighed, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm just a little lost right now."
"Hey! She's my fag hag, I saw her first." Gabriel grinned, returning from the bathroom, Castiel reluctantly let go of Pamela and sat back on the couch.
"Where's Goliath?"
"Kitchen. On the phone."
"Ooh." Gabriel wandered off again, and Pamela returned her attention to Castiel, holding her hand out to him.
"I'm serious, Cassie. You can tell me."
He took her hand, managing a weak smile.
"No one's called me Cassie for a long time."
"What does Dean call you?"
Castiel sighed, and gripped her hand again.
"I think I've lied. I think I might have acted unprofessionally. I have a lot to think about, and I don't think I can think about it."
"So don't." Pamela said. "You'll figure it out, in your own time."
Sam returned, and Castiel dropped Pamela's hand.
"Why do I know the name Balthazar?"
"Balthazar?" Castiel sat up, partly glad for the change in conversation, but equally worried. "He's our cousin. He lives In England. Why?"
"He just phoned Gabriel. I was…"
"Oh." Pamela sat up, a troubled pout forming on her lips. "That can't be good."
"What?"
"Since Gabriel and I were exiled by our parents…" Castiel hadn't heard from Balthazar in months, and he had a feeling a call out of the blue wouldn't bode well. "Balthazar has been our only link to the rest of our family. It may not be bad, but it'll certainly be important."
Sam retreated back into the kitchen, and Pamela's hand found Castiel's once more.
"I can't take any more bad news tonight." He whispered.
They strained to hear, but Gabriel appeared soon enough.
"So… So Balthazar might be staying over for Christmas." Gabriel tried to laugh, but it was weak and shaky, and fooled no one. "That'll… that'll be good."
"Gabriel." Sam rested a hand on his shoulder, casting worried looks at his boyfriend. Gabriel spun into the hug, and looked for all the world like he was trying to shelter himself from his own words. Castiel certainly felt rather than heard the words.
"Michael's dead."