Some relative discomfort

Does Higgins' mother have a first name? I don't have access to the movie right now, and Shaw did not mention one in Pygmalion, unless I missed it, which is well within the realm of possibility. So I'm getting all Rowlingesque and calling her Grace for now. These characters do not belong to me. They belong to Shaw, Lerner, and Loewe, and I pay tribute to them thus.

...

"Won't be long until we're at the dock now." Henry took a deep breath of salty, smoky, wonderful English air. It had been a fine month, but he was ready to be home among familiar things.

"Thank heaven!" Eliza gripped the rail and looked straight ahead, willing the land to come to her.

"Oh, don't be too concerned about it. Lots of people get seasick on the Channel. It's actually a pretty rough..."

Eliza drew herself up. "I was not seasick! That egg was not cooked correctly is all".

"Now you know I had the exact same egg and... Eliza! Is there a chance of you..." Henry's voice lowered and he leaned in toward Eliza. "...expecting?"

Eliza was exasperated. "Absolutlely no chance! Do I need to explain why?"

"No no no, please!" Henry said quickly, wishing to avoid a public biology lecture. Eliza generally kept her temper under contol better than Henry, but when she did lose it, the results were usually more spectacular.

Henry squinted toward the dock where the customary small crowd was gathered. "I say, did you tell my mother our return plans?"

"I mentioned that we were coming home today, that was all."

"I do think I see her at the dock there. I wonder what that's all about."

"Oh, my, isn't that Colonel Pickering with her?"

"By George, it is. This can't be good."

"They don't look particularly grim. I think they're smiling. Oh, they see us! Wave back, Henry."

Henry waved but did not smile. "Something is up. You don't just decide to drive four hours to meet someone at the ferry."

But Henry's mother and Pickering seemed to be acting in just that manner. Eliza recovered almost immediately upon leaving the gangplank and skipped over to them with Henry in pursuit. There were smiles, kisses, handshakes, like they happened to be in the neighborhood. Henry waited mutely until someone mentioned the reason for the excursion. When he couldn't stand it anymore (the longest fifteen seconds of his life), he cried out, "Oh, out with it, Mother, what's the matter?"

"Why, nothing is the matter, dear, we happened to be here and thought to take a chance that this was your ferry. Did you have a good time?"

"It was perfect!" said Eliza. "Or nearly so. I think I had a bad egg for breakfast this morning. But aside from that, it was all so beautiful, and everyone was wonderful. I don't know why people say that the French are rude, they were all very nice to me."

"But what is it that one does in the Alps if one is not a mountaineer?" said Pickering.

"Oh there are plenty of wonderful walks for regular people, and someone is always playing music or singing." said Eliza. Henry grimaced and coughed in recollection. "And Henry got to collect some new accents. It's the border of three countries, you know."

Henry's mother gasped. "Henry, you did NOT take your gramophone on your honeymoon!"

Eliza laughed. "It's quite all right. He got his accents, I got my mountains. The perfect place, really."

"Pickering!" Henry burst out. "What – are – you – doing – here? What – are – you – TWO – doing – HERE?"

"Well," said Pickering, "if you must know-" Henry stifled an angonized groan. "We are on our way to Sandwich for the week. The golfing is quite good, and these seaside resorts are very enjoyable out of season."

"What? Mother? You and … him? I mean, he's a good chap, but, but, well really, you're both a bit old to be carrying on like that."

Pickering smiled even more broadly. "Oh, don't worry, Higgins old boy, it's all quite on the level. You see, the last few months have been so damned confusing... "

"Hugh, please, your language!" Despite her words, Henry's mother didn't seem that displeased.

Eliza gasped, her eyes sparkling, as she thought, "She called him Hugh!"

Henry stopped breathing, his face falling, as he thought, "She called him Hugh!"

"Well it was, to have two Mrs Higgins-es about, so I suggested a remedy, and Grace was very amenable, fine woman your mother, Higgins, and we got married about two weeks ago!"

"MARRIED!" Henry roared.

"Now don't worry, Henry," said Mrs Higgins, or rather, Mrs Pickering, "you'll still inherit. I got it all straightened out with the solicitor."

"Hang the solicitor! You know I'm all right on my own! But, Mother... at your age... really... "

"And what age is that, please, son?"

"An age of discretion, I would have thought."

"But we are being discreet. We married, after all."

"Oh, Lord help me!" Henry paced and fanned himself vigorously with his hat.

"I think it's absolutely wonderful!" said Eliza as she kissed each of them on the cheek once again. "But I do wish we could have been there for the wedding. We did wait for you to return from India for our wedding, Colonel." She couldn't look properly reproachful while she was smiling so.

"Well, it's a bit different when you're older and it's your second time round," said Pickering. "You don't really want to make a fuss."

"Getting married becomes less important than being married," added Mrs Pickering. "Now I hope you might have some time to have tea with us before your train."

"I'm sure we must!" Eliza looked almost as happy as she did at her own wedding. "Do you have the timetable, Henry?"

Henry was still trying to comprehend what had happened. He looked at Eliza blankly, finally mumbled, "Timetable," and produced the paper after rummaging in several pockets.

"Oh, splendid, we have a little over two hours. Let us just get the luggage sent the right way and we'll meet you at the restaurant."

"If you don't mind I'll take the liberty of ordering," said Pickering. "I recall you enjoy strawberry tart, isn't that right... Mrs Higgins?" He gave Eliza a smile and a wink.

Eliza laughed and turned to Henry, who was already halfway to the baggage claim. She ran to catch up to him. "Now what is the matter?"

"The matter is that my mother needs to learn to act her age! Flirting like a schoolgirl! And Pickering just encouraging her!"

Eliza wondered if they had just witnessed different scenes. "Now, Henry, you mustn't be selfish. Everyone is entitled to some happiness. Especially your mother... oh, my goodness." Eliza stared down the quay.

"What?"

"It's my father. There. The fellow in the bowler and the green tie, trying not to look at me."

About twenty yards away, Alfred Doolittle sighed when it was apparent Eliza would not release her gaze on him, turned to her as though surprised to see her, and waved. "Oi! Liza!"

Eliza approached him, with Henry warily a step behind. "Going on a trip, Dad?"

"And why not? I 'ave the means, I 'ave the time, and it's spring! Paree beckons! May as well take advantage of the opportunity to spend a few free days in France, the land o' romance. Speaking of which, you just got back from 'oneymoon, no doubt? 'Ope Liza was good to you, Professor, or perhaps I should say, 'Enry me boy!"

"Perhaps not," said Henry very clearly.

"Riiiight. Well, awfully good of you to invite 'Arry and Jamie along to your wedding breakfast. Since I've 'ad to lately carry the burden of being the most fascinating person in the room- apart from the bride, apart from the bride!- it was a nice 'omey touch to have a couple of mates from down the lane that I could toast the 'appy couple with."

"I invited them to make sure you got home all right," said Eliza.

"Made sure I...! I don't like the implyin' of that, young lady! I can 'old me liquor as well as the next and better'n most! Matter of fact, I beat 'em 'ome that evenin'!"

"Dad, they carried you into a cab. I paid for it."

Doolittle looked at Eliza puzzled. "That's not 'ow I remember it."

"I believe that's the point," said Henry.

"Oh THERE you are, Alfie!" Eliza's jaw dropped again as a woman not much older than her leapt to Doolittle's side. She was wearing a red and black suit adorned with a frightful amount of feathers, and carried a paper sack. "They're starting to board. I've got sandwiches and cakes and a pint for each of us for the boat, and then dinner tonight in PARIS!" She started to bounce.

"And is this your lovely wife, Doolittle?" Henry asked in a rare moment of diplomacy.

"Oh 'eavens, no, Alfie and I ain't married!" said the candid young lady, "But we 'ave so much fun together, maybe we ought to, while we're in PARIS, wouldn't that be romantic?" She resumed bouncing.

Eliza crisply began, "I'm sure that your wif..."

"Well, 'ate to rush," bellowed Doolittle in a rush, "but they are boarding, wouldn't want to miss the boat now would we, come along Tilly, cheerio Liza, off with you now, wouldn't want you to miss your train or cab or whatever." He scowled at Eliza and pulled Tilly along the quay.

Tilly looked back. "Who did you say that was? I'd 'ave liked to meet 'em."

"My NIECE, my dear little niece, who just got mar- back from a 'oliday."

Eliza was dumbstruck. Henry called after Doolittle, "Bon voyage, DAD!" and Eliza hissed at him to be quiet. "I'm sorry, is there something wrong, dear?" said Henry, smirking.

Eliza just rolled her eyes. When she saw them ascend the gangplank in the distance, she finally spoke. "My mum not marrying him may have caused people to talk- and it certainly did- but I'll go to my grave thinking she did the right thing."

Henry had been looking after Doolittle and his lady friend as well. He clasped Eliza's hand and fervently said, "Agreed."