Chapter 3 – In which shoujo-ai is breached, and this writer hides and apologizes for having absolutely no clue how to write it

On the day of their genin promotion, Uzumaki Kushina found her best friend crying by the edge of the empty playground.

"Mikoto!" She ran up to the girl and helped her wipe her tears. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy that we graduated?"

The Uchiha girl hiccupped. "Yes, but … they just told me that I'm engaged!" She burst into another round of heavy sobs.

"What?! You're seven!"

"Well, not right now … I'll be married when I'm twenty. But … I'm engaged!" She buried her face in her hands.

Kushina frowned. As a member of a Great Clan, she had some knowledge of what political marriages were. But her Great Clan was almost completely gone, and Mito obaa-sama had waved her hand and told her that she could marry 'that blond pushover' if she wanted.

"Is it someone you don't like?" She asked.

"Not really" *hic* "But … I've never met him before!" Mikoto wailed. "I want to become a kunoichi, I don't want to be stuck learning calligraphy and painting inside a clan house!" She looked up mournfully at her friend, "if you ever want to run away, send me a note, ok Kushina? I'll pack really quickly, I promise."

Kushina rubbed calming circles on her back. Then, the idea hit her. Why not? If it could help her make her friend happy, then it was worth it, wasn't it? She leaned closer and spoke in a whisper. "It's ok, Mikoto-chan. You can marry me instead. Then you'll be under my custody instead of your parents'. We don't need to tell anyone until they actually make you get married. Then I can come rescue you."

Mikoto's eyes were wide and shining with tears, "but I though you wanted to marry that blond kid?"

She paused. "Well, he can be my mistress. He won't mind."

"Really? You'll marry me?"

"Yup! And after we get married we can go travelling, and eat at expensive sushi bars, and beat up rogue-nin together!" She grinned. "Oh, and maybe Minato can tag along," she added as an after note.

Mikoto smiled and wiped her face with her sleeve, "o-ok, Kushina. That sounds really fun."

Two hours later, at the Konoha law office (which is not under the jurisdiction of the Uchiha police):

An aged receptionist looked down curiously at the two adorable girls standing in front of the desk, holding hands. One was a dark-haired Uchiha girl with puffed red eyes that still glistened slightly, and the other was a proud little red-head who glared back as if she owned the village.

"Oba-san," the red-haired girl spoke. "We have a marriage to register." She pointed at the Uchiha girl, "we're getting married."

The receptionist smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Are you, now?"

The dark-haired girl nodded shyly. "Kushina-chan proposed to me."

"So we'll need to sign the registration papers," the red-head went on, holding out a demanding hand.

The receptionist almost felt her heart melting with the cuteness that plagued the room. "Ah, what the hell, you two are adorable. Sure kids, you can get married if you want."

Thirteen years later

At the front of the ceremonial room, Uchiha Mikoto knelt demurely. Her elaborate kimono swept out around her and its beautiful reds stood starkly from her dark hair, which was piled over her head with so many sharp pins that she was rather afraid for her husband's life later that night.

Before her was Uchiha Fugaku, the man that she still didn't know that well. But she was a twenty-year-old Uchiha clan member, and she'd long since understood her duties. Though maybe it would help if he weren't such a block of ice. She'd gone through as many interesting experiences as she could manage before this day, and he didn't seem too exciting. Fugu-fish-face.

But the ceremonial marriage was almost at a finish, and she would soon need to sigh and accompany him to his room and pretend to be the innocent thing she would have been if she hadn't met one Uzumaki Kushina.

Right then, while half the Uchiha clan was watching, the door to the building burst open.

"There exists an impediment to this marriage!"

Mikoto blinked. In the doorway stood Uzumaki Kushina herself, and her long hair streamed over her shoulder, an even more vibrant red than Mikoto's own ceremonial kimono. Behind her was her lover, who stood there panting, as if he'd ran across half the village while chasing her.

The Uchiha elder – Fugaku's mother – raised an eyebrow. "Who would you be?"

Kushina crossed her arms, "I'm Uzumaki Kushina, dattebane! And that's my wife you're trying to marry off!" The blond man was tugging at her sleeve but she didn't pay him any attention.

The hall grew silent. Mikoto vaguely recalled a time when they had decided to get married … was that actually valid? She raised her eyes to see that Fugaku looked incredibly peeved.

His future wife was being claimed, and he was peeved? Just peeved? His only reaction was a furrowed brow? With a sweep of her elaborate kimono, Mikoto stood.

"Fugaku-sama, Hakumi-sama, it is true. I am married already. You may check the official marriage registration records if you wish." With that, she walked down the aisle, stepping between the crowds of shocked clan members. They whispered as she passed, but she ignored them and allowed the smile to burst onto her face.

Kushina had remembered. She wasn't about to let this chance pass.

Her red-haired beauty grinned widely when she reached the entrance, and gripped her arm. Behind her, Minato looked terribly confused. They closed the door behind them, shutting out the shocked whispers along with Fugaku and his parents.

They made a rather strange sight walking through the clan grounds. One dressed in ceremonial red, and the other two wearing their standard-issue jonin uniforms. Minato was still slightly dazed and his blond hair was a complete mess, because Kushina had leapt through his window, pulled him right out of bed, and dragged him through half the village.

After a long silence, he was the first to speak. "Kushina … you're married?"

"Yup!" She grinned. "We got married when we were seven, just to prevent Mikoto from having to marry Fugu-face when she got older."

His heart melted slightly at her words, and he smiled down at her. Kushina was incredibly kind when she wanted to be. Then he paused midstep. "Wait … what about us?"

From her other side, Mikoto looked over with a sheepish expression, "I'm so sorry Minato-kun. But we were seven and Kushina just assumed …" She trailed.

"You can be my mistress," Kushina spoke up matter-of-factly.

"But we had plans to-"

She waved a hand in dismissal, "oh, don't worry about it Minato. When you become Hokage you can change a few laws. Feel free to propose anytime after that."

Minato simply gave her a watery smile and nodded. She was Uzumaki Kushina. He'd gotten used to things like this.

.

... TsuSaku

"Sakura-chan, you're walking a little stiffly today," Naruto remarked as they approached the training grounds. "I hope Tsunade baa-chan didn't tire you out in training too much yesterday."

Sakura merely smiled. "She did."

"Well I'll have to have a talk with her," he huffed. "I mean, why do you put up with that? Just tell her you're tired, or something."

"But I don't want to tell her I'm tired. She might stop."

"… if you're tired, don't you want her to stop?"

Sakura's smile grew wider. "Nope. She's a really skilled shishou."

.

... KonanKushi

"You know," Kushina began, swinging her legs over the side of the bench. "I used to get made fun of because of my hair."

The blue-haired beauty sitting next to her nodded solemnly. Above them, her paper-umbrella shielded their colorful heads from the constant Ame downpour.

Kushina turned to look at her, "what about you, Konan?"

"No."

"I though so," Kushina mumbled. "You're too pretty to be made fun of, blue hair or no." she twirled a strand of red hair around one finger and examined it. "How do you think I would look with blue hair?"

"Disastrous."

.

... OroAnko (Well, more like AnkoOro)

"So you're really on Konoha's side now, huh? Ever since that Uchiha kid pulled you out of the seal you left on me?" Mitarashi Anko stood in the cave with her arms crossed, giving her former sensei an apprehensive look. "And they weren't kidding when they said they wouldn't have won the war without you?"

Beyond her, leaning against one of the stalactites, Orochimaru raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, Anko. There's no need for you to attack me. Somehow, I've been dragged into all of this."

She tilted her head to one side. "Well, that's fine, then. It's been over two decades, I can resist the temptation to kill you."

"Two decades?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yup. I'm almost thirty, actually," she made a face. "Gosh I'm getting old. But not as old as you now, huh sensei?"

Orochimaru grinned a grin that showed off slightly sharpened teeth. "Actually, there are benefits to the Fushi Tensei. It will be many years until I can call myself 'old', Anko."

She paused, and then pointed. "Wait, so you're actually physically thirty? That's not just a genjutsu?"

"Thirty, yes."

"And it's not one of those seals, like the one Tsunade-sama uses?"

"There are no drawbacks, this is my true form." He frowned. Where was this line of questioning going?

Anko's grin spread a little too far. "Oh, well that's nice. Experience and vitality."

Orochimaru did not take a step back because of the look in her eyes. He just felt like taking a step back. He was the snake sannin. He did what he pleased.

… but that look was beginning to seem a little bit predatory.

"Let's play a game, sensei."

Now why was he remembering that silly crush the girl used to have on him when she was younger?

The air of foreboding in the cave hinted to the snake sannin that maybe he had taught her a little too well.

You may ask, 'why are Kushina and Konan sitting on a bench under a paper umbrella in the middle of Amegakure?'. I have no idea. Let's just say I pulled a 'Waiting for Godot' on you all (if you get this reference, play stay in place while I profess my love for you).

I added AnkoOro because I ran out of ideas for what to write about shoujo-ai pairings...

And, um, only the KushiMiko one came out alright, because writing 'girls love' is kind of hard. Not only am I straight, I don't know a single girl who swings that way (although I do know a few guys that do) and I can probably count the amount of yuri I've read on one hand. But ... was it decent humour/romance, for being written by a straight person?

"Epilogues":

Minato and Mikoto develop a deep friendship by bonding over shogi games, paperwork, and the spitfire of a kunoichi that is their wife. Fugaku comes out of the closet.

Jiraiya informs Tsunade that she's just as perverted as he is, and it just took a while for him to notice.

Kushina spends a month lusting after blue-haired people cause that's not the type of beauty a girl can forget easily. Minato spends his life wondering about his lover's actual preferences.

Orochimaru spends the next ten years explaining to Tsunade that no, he is not a pedophile, and that they're the same age, dammit.

And wow, I've gotten a lot of really interesting pairings from you guys. I got a suggestion to do an Itachi/x chapter, but I think I'll just spread them out instead. Weirdest suggesting so far: Katsuyu/Manda/Gamabunta love triangle. That ... is fascinating. However, I like to keep them in the same species :P

Review ^^!