Chapter 4 – This fic should probably be titled 'weird ways that this writer makes random characters have sex'

… ItaHana

"We should probably go in," seven-year-old Sasuke told Kiba. He stood up from the playground, "my nii-san has probably arrived to pick me up. I have to be at home by dinnertime or oka-san will get mad."

"Aww…" Kiba pouted. "But you'll have to come over tomorrow so we can keep playing ninja, ok?

Sasuke nodded, "sure! I like playing ninja! My nii-san is the best ninja ever."

"Yeah well my sis is awesome. She can beat up anyone," Kiba proclaimed.

With that, the two boys wiped the playground sand off their clothes and made their way to the Inuzuka clan house, where Sasuke had left his book bag. He'd taken to playing with Kiba recently, because Kiba was a really fun friend and his dogs were really cool.

Once inside, they went to the main room, but the door was closed.

"Huh, maybe your brother already arrived," Kiba guessed.

That was when they heard soft mewing sounds filtering through the sliding doors.

Sasuke frowned, "maybe they're talking about cool ninja stuff." His eyes lit up. "Let see how long we can eavesdrop before nii-san catches us."

"Ok!" Kiba whispered. The two boys pressed their ears to the door. Voices came through.

"You can touch the other one, 'tachi. You gotta give them both equal attention, you know."

"Oh, may I?"

"Yeah, of course. But don't tease, or the one down there will get impatient."

"I will try not to. But these are rather beautiful. Well-shaped."

A soft mewl echoed through the doors.

"Ah, 'tachi you're so good with them!"

"I leant by watching you, Hana."

"What? When?"

"Before I arrived, I saw you playing with them from the roof when I was looking for Sasuke. You are skilled in making them respond."

"Well of course, these are mine."

On the other side of the door, Kiba's face was twisted into a strange expression. "Um … Sasuke, I don't think they're talking about ninja stuff."

Sasuke, who had yet to receive his Talk, was blinking in confusion. "But she said he was skilled at something."

"Not the thing you're thinking of …" He slowly backed away from the door. "Maybe we should go.

"Well, alright," Sasuke frowned and stood.

Unfortunately, his toe caught the end of the rug. Without further ado, he tumbled right into the door, dragging Kiba with him. They collapsed into a heap on the other side of the rather thin material.

Inside were Itachi and Hana, surrounded by a group of small puppies. Hana was holding one in either hand, and another was sitting on her leg, waving its tail excitedly. Itachi's was petting the one in her right hand, and the small dog leaned into his touch. They both turned around to see the heap of their little brothers.

"Oi, are you boys alright?" Hana frowned. "Did you run right into the door? What did I tell you about paying attention to your surroundings?"

Kiba sat up, and eyed the display in surprise. The leftover tinges of red fled from his face and he rubbed his head sheepishly. "Um … sorry, sis. But Sasuke has to go home for dinner. Right Sasuke?" He turned to glare at the Uchiha boy.

Sasuke nodded, "yup!'

"Actually, you can stay a while longer," Itachi informed him quietly. "Chichiue and Hahaue are at a clan meeting."

"Really? Awesome!" Sasuke's eyes lit up, and he tugged on Kiba's sleeve. "Come on, let's go play ninja again!"

The two older shinobi watched as the boys left in a patter of footsteps. Once the room was quiet again, Hana raised an eyebrow and allowed the puppies to step away. "So, an hour or two?"

"That should be sufficient. Their clan meetings take at least that long."

"Wanna put these dogs away and continue from last time?"

"I would like to, yes."

.

… SaiYama

"Pick any brush you like," Yamato said stiffly. "I'll … well … it's a present. For … um … surviving the mission."

Sai gave him a blank look before asking the art-store owner for the brush in the top cabinet that bit a large chunk out of his taichou's yearly pay. He hadn't really gotten to the chapter on 'courtesy' yet.

The next day after training, Naruto and Sakura left the two of them behind as they went to get lunch, and Sai frowned as he watched them leave.

"Yamato-taichou, why do Sakura-san and dickless always go off to lunch together? When I asked, they assured me repeatedly that they were not having sex," he asked bluntly.

Yamato cleared his throat. "Well … they're friends. If you like, we could go eat lunch. As friends."

Sai smiled his blank smile, and he wasn't sure why the other man was slowly turning pink. "That would be nice. But I have not yet received my pay." Anbu operatives weren't exactly rich. Most of the time, he lived on ration bars.

"That's alright," Yamato said quickly. "I'll pay."

Weeks Later:

It didn't take long for Naruto and Sakura to notice that the two new members of team seven were spending quite a lot of time together.

It took even less time for Sai to look up the term 'sugar daddy' in one of his books.

.

...KakaTsu

Kakashi stared down at the book in his hands with barely contained awe.

"…new book of Ero-Sennin's," Naruto was telling him. "You like these books, don't you sensei? I mean, they're really boring and all, but I'd thought it would make a good present."

"Sh, Naruto. I'm having a religious experience," he snapped, running his finger over his lustrous green cover.

"Anyway, I tried reading it, and the ecchi scenes as actually kind of interesting," the boy trailed.

Kakashi was too absorbed to be worried that his twelve-year-old student was reading his smut.

"And Ero-Sennin told me about his real-life inspirations-"

"What?" His head snapped up. "Jiraiya-sama told you who he based his characters on?!" Kakashi leaned closer, "who? Who is it?" Surely there could not exist someone as beautiful, as seductive, as (cough)kinky(cough) as Icha Icha's Miyu! It was probably some woman Jiraiya had met during his travels. Kakashi was fully prepared to appear in her bed that very night, mask-less if he had to. That always worked.

Naruto shrugged. "Um, Jio's main love interest 'Miyu' is actually based on Tsunade baa-chan. Weird, huh? I mean, I get the descriptions and all, but there's no way baa-chan would act like that. Anyway, I'll see you later, sensei. Have fun reading!" He leapt away, ignoring the fact that he had completely toppled Hatake Kakashi's existence.

One week later, jonin meeting in the Hokage's tower:

"…and you'll all be expected back by tomorrow. Any later and I'll send my anbu-" Tsunade paused. "Kakashi, is something wrong? Why are you crouched over?"

Kakashi groaned inwardly and slouched further, stepping behind a shelf. "Maa… I …" He jerked upright when Gai laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It is fine, Dear Rival, if you need to heed nature's call! We, your loyal friends, will wait until you are finished!" With that he pushed Kakashi out of the office.

"Huh?" Tsunade tilted her head to one side. She turned to the other three jonin. "You know, if any of you need to use the washroom during our meetings, you can just say so …"

The next day:

This was getting out of control.

Kakashi slowly put the book away. This was weird, just plain weird. She was probably old enough to be his mother, even if his conscious assured him that her twenty-year-old form was an actual physical change.

He needed to stop imagining Tsunade-sama in Miyu's position.

That evening:

"You're two hours late, Hatake," the Godaime Hokage grumbled. "Two hours."

"Sorry," Kakashi shrugged. "I got lost on the road of l-"

"Bah, who cares," she waved a hand dismissively. "You're probably wondering why I called you here so late at night."

"Well, kind of," he admitted. But not really. His mind was preoccupied by keeping the weird mental images away.

"Well," Tsunade said gruffly. "I was just wondering, …" a weird smile pulled at her lips. "exactly how much can I command you to do, in my status as Hokage?..."

Kakashi smiled under his mask and pulled Icha Icha Tactics out of his pocket.

.

…SasuHina

It was a well known fact that Uchiha Sasuke was a wanted man. For more than one reason. So when the war was over and he was no longer wanted for the first reason, he found himself heavily wanted for the other reason.

Essentially, the fangirls drooled.

"Sasuke," Kakashi told him one day, patting him on the shoulder. "I think it's time you learned a few things. You see, the other jonin have been passing some bets on either Sakura or that Karin girl you brought back-"

"And who did you put money on?" Sasuke asked dryly, shrugging off his hand.

Kakashi looked vaguely guilty. "Karin. I was hoping you'd leave Sakura to Naruto, he's been working very hard lately."

"… I'm not interested in either of them," the boy informed him. "When I turn eighteen, I'll make the decision of who to repopulate my clan with by myself."

His sensei's eyes lit up. "Maa, eighteen? That's in fifty-six days, isn't it?" He waved, "we'll all be waiting, Sasuke!"

Sasuke sighed. Great. He'd pinned himself with a deadline, of all things.

Fifty-six days later:

It was suffice to say that the entire village fangirl-population was shocked when Uchiha Sasuke appeared before Hinata during her team training session and asked to speak with her. They gathered in hoards at the edge of the training grounds and watched breathlessly.

"Hinata," he said airily. "I just wanted to inform you that I'd be happy if I had to your help in repopulating my clan."

She had spent quite a lot of time learning how to not blush, but she could already feel the redness creeping up her face. The watching fangirls 'aww'ed despite the complete lack of even a speck of romance in his tone.

"Um … w-why me, S-Sasuke-kun?"

He took her hands in his and gave her a look of utter seriousness. "Can you imagine our children? We could have the Byaku-Sharingan in our grasp, Hinata!"

She went ahead and fainted.

.

… FukaShima (Fukasaku/Shima)

There were many things that Jiraiya disliked about training on Mount Myoboku.

He disliked the food. He disliked the soggy climate. He disliked the harsh mountains, and the smack of Fukusaku-jiji's stick on his back when he lost concentration.

But most of all, he disliked lying in his futon in the room he was given, hearing faint moaning sounds for a good part of the night and having the disturbing realization that there were two toads in the room next to his going at it like rabbits.

He pulled the blankets over his ears and figured that this was probably what people referred to when they talked about 'traumatizing childhoods'

.

… OroTsu

There were many things Jiraiya disliked about being on missions with his team.

He disliked the arguments that would inevitably flare up between them. He disliked the fact that their sensei was turning rather senile and always took Tsunade's side no matter what. He disliked Orochimaru's plans, and Hiruzen-sensei's snoring beside him when they'd starting sharing a tent because they could only bother to carry two.

But most of all, he disliked lying under his sheets at night, hearing faint moaning sounds from the other tent that his infuriating teammates shared, and having the disturbing realization that Orochimaru was actually interested in girls. More than interested.

He pulled the blankets over his ears and figured that this was also probably what people refered to when they talked about 'traumatizing childhoods'.

.

… Fodder-Shinobi-96/Fodder-Shinobi-69

…Ok, you can all look at the title of this ship and figure it out for yourselves. I'm keeping this T-rated.

"Epilogues":

Sasuke never really figures out why his brother mutters about 'puppies' in his sleep.

Sai decides that Yamato-taichou is the perfect person to test out some of the things he's learned in the books he borrowed in secret. Naruto and Sakura aren't really sure which one of them is being used.

Kakashi doesn't exactly have a choice on whether he gets to keep his mask on. That's what happens when one sleeps with a Sannin. On the bright side, he gets to try out lots of things.

Face it, FukuShima is really the only canon pairing where both sides are alive and willing. Therefore, they have their happily-ever-after and poor, traumatized Jiraiya starts to rethink his stance towards the opposite gender.

Traumatized, I tell you.

The fodder shinobi have less screen-time and more fun-time ;D.

Your pairing suggestions that I'm laughing over (I love you guys...):

Naruto/Madara, Sasuke/Tobirama (oh wow this will be a challenge. *Rolls up sleeves* time to Edo Tensei this shit!), Jiraiya/Konan (with a confused Nagato. Challenge accepted, Marina-Elise!), Minato/Obito (Hmm, this one might be a little one-sided XD), Hinata/Karin (this would be hilarious, but sorry Duesal10, I've exhausted my sparsity of shoujo-ai ideas. Try writing shonen-ai and see for yourself how difficult it is!), Gai/Hinata (I have the perfect idea for this...), Kisame/Mei (ok, wow), SaiKarin (Sai seems to always suffer in my fics...), Karin/Kabuto (because apparently 'nobody likes them'. But...But I've had a soft spot for Kabuto since I watched his sob story episode!), Kakuzu/Chiyo from Hidan's perspective (omigosh. I will do this!), Kurama/Inner-Sakura (this is pure genius).

Oh, and just to point out, I'm not doing any gender-bending. So sorry, but no fem!Naruto :P

Anyway, this will be updated rather sporadically since it's not an actual chapter-style story. I'll add some more in whenever I find the need to procrastinate.