Chapter 5 – This is becoming so crack I can't even but I remain that it is one of the best things this writer's typing has ever produced...

...ItaSasu (non-massacre. Because otherwise this would be some really kinky s***):

For the past ten years (since girls had first discovered that crushes were possible) Uchiha Sasuke had been single as a pea outside its pod, calmly brushing off any attempt of the female gender to claim his genes.

But it wasn't because he was a narcissist.

Ok well maybe he was.

It was because his sights were already set. Creepily enough, they'd been set since he was five.

And now he had a plan to attain said object of his sights. Covertly, of course. Because he was an Uchiha and the Uchiha were mysterious, and all.

"Nii-san?" He asked innocently while they sat around the kotatsu in the evening, parents conveniently away.

"Hmm?" Itachi murmured, not looking up from his mission report.

Sasuke planted his most serious expression on his face, "what's sex?"

The room felt drenched in a sudden silence that saturated the air but definitely did not make him want to stuff his words back into his mouth.

Itachi looked at him, back down at his report, and then cast a glance around the room as if using his anbu senses to subconsciously seek an escape route. Failing to discover a way to slither out of his admittedly fatherly responsibilities, he sighed and gave his brother a mournful look. "Our parents are useless, aren't they?"

"If you say so, nii-san," said Sasuke, who despite having never had a girlfriend was most definitely not a virgin. Frankly, this was the only way to properly approach the subject with his stoic (and admittedly gorgeous) brother.

"You don't know, Sasuke? Aren't you fifteen already?" He sighed, "oh but you've never... Fine. I'll ask oka-san to talk to you when she gets back. I would ask otou-san but he rather traumatized me."

Sasuke looked away, " I don't want oka-san to tell me. It sounds like something embarrassing. You're the only person I trust, nii-san."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, but he'd long grown used to his brother's hero-worship, "well fine. You see, it's just something that happens when you're older ..."

(The next five minutes have been cut due to the rating. What the hell was this writer thinking when she decided to do a T-rated shipping parody?)

"Is that how it works?..." Sasuke said thoughtfully, shifting a little in his seat. "But you haven't explained it properly, nii-san. I mean, I heard that Kiba was doing this act with Shino. I'm pretty sure neither of them has a ..."

By this point, Itachi was no longer being covert about seeking an escape route. Finding none, he turned back with a heavier sigh and an expression that looked quite blank, but anyone who knew him well could see the hidden exasperation in it.

(Another five minutes which the writer refuses to write here. Use your imagination.)

"Nii-san, you have to teach it in more detail. I still don't really understand," Sasuke persisted. "Can that really fit in ...?"

(Another scene cut. This one is DEFINITELY not being written, and will probably require more advanced amounts of imagination.)

"There!" Itachi snapped, looking down at him. "Do you understand now?"

Sasuke sighed in contentment, "no, not really. We'll have to do that again. I wasn't really paying attention."

Itachi groaned.

.

...KakuChiyo

"Well," Pein declined to look across at the fuming man standing in the doorway, preferring to observe him carefully through the window's reflection. Because everybody knew villain's looked better from the back. "And... why have you filed for a new Akatsuki partner?"

"I don't know, but Kakuzu just isn't fucking cut out for this," Hidan fumed. "I mean, you'd think 'not courting old ladies' is a pretty solid prerequisite for being a fucking villain."

Pein, who was quite frankly used to shit like this, calmly glanced over his shoulder. "What seems to have incited these opinions? Has he done anything adverse to our goal?" He didn't have any intention of firing the man. Kakuzu was one of the first and most important members of their organization, and he handled money better than most men breathed.

Hidan sat down in one of the Ame lobby chairs with a heaving grunt of universal agony, bladed scythe clattering down by his foot. "Did you not understand when I said he was fucking courting someone?"

No, no he didn't. Was he 'fucking' or 'courting'? You never knew, with Hidan's language.

"This random old lady from Suna," the man went on, gesturing wildly. "Coulda been my damn grandma, but no, for Kakuzu, that bastard, she's all game. Who knew he was into that shit? I mean, she could be his grandma!"

Pein paused in understanding. Then his lips twitched into a slight smile – even through it was entirely subtle, him being a villain and all – and he mentally rejoiced at his oldest minion having finally found someone to spend time with. And he was definitely not into any of what Hidan thought, and this would have to be remedied. "Kakuzu is two hundred twenty-four years old," he said.

Hidan blinked. He slowly digested this new information. Then took on a complete different composure.

"...Well then that fuck that cradle robber! Gimme a new partner!"

.

...KabuOro (one-sided)

It took a lot to creep out the Legendary Orochimary, Summoner of the White Snakes, embodiment of creepiness in all its glory.

This 'lot' occasionally manifested in the form of one fifteen-year-old boy with glasses covering half his face. A boy that Orochimaru was already regretting having conditioned for everlasting love and loyalty. Because this kid showed these days in the obscurest of ways.

So when the Snake Sannin entered his room that night to find his very own Yakushi Kabuto inside, pawing around in his closet, wearing a pair of pants that was clearly Orochimaru's, he was suitably distressed.

"...Kabuto," he began in a long suffering tone. He followed through with a helpless sort of why? gesture.

"I'm trying to be more like Orochimaru-sama," the boy said happily, pulling up the pants, ends of which were trailing on the floor. "Looks pretty cool, right? I couldn't find an extra set of that weird purple bow-y stuff you wear, though. Can I have one made in my size?"

Orochimaru quietly shut the door to the room, and went to sleep in the main room with his other minions.

.

It was common knowledge that kids went through 'phases'. Orochimaru, who had never really been a normal kid and had never interacted with anyone who could be even vaguely classified as 'normal', did not know this. This was why he was sufficiently traumatized when he found Kabuto outside the shower stalls in their small Oto hideout, carefully applying purple paint around his eyes.

He paused mid-stroke, and gave his shishou a lurid grin.

"Orochimaru-sama, am I doing this right? You get them naturally because of your snakey things, but I have to resort to face-paint. But does it look legitimate?"

Orochimaru blinked.

"Oh," Kabuto laughed. "You're probably wondering why I'm doing this. Well, I just think it's really pretty. The eye-things. Everyone else has normal eyes, but Orochimaru-sama's eyes are special."

Once again, he quietly shut the door behind him.

.

Years later, deep in a cave west of Fire Country, Kabuto stood with his arms spread, reveling in the power that flowed through his veins.

"I have become Orochimaru-sama!" He proclaimed. "I could never have him... Orochimaru-sama was not of that type. But now, even after his death, I can become one with him! This is his power, deep inside me, a part of me! No one else will ever know the true joy of being one with someone in this purest of ways!"

"...He's obsessed, isn't he?" Itachi asked quietly.

"Totally," Sasuke agreed.

.

...ZetsuObi (one-sided)

The Spiral Zetsu had been conditioned since creation to have intelligence. Unfortunately, along with intelligence came the propensity to feel emotions. And Zetsu stuck himself onto this idea like a leech. Because he liked his new friend, the boy who was recovering under Madara-sama's watch.

And he therefore decided to know all there was to know about the boy's species.

"What's it like to poo?" Zetsu asked curiously, sitting on top Obito while he did push-ups. "What's it like, huh Obito? Huh?"

"Shut up," Obito muttered. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he did his hundredth pushup that day, staining the cave floor with droplets. "There's no way to explain it."

Zetsu's face fell, as much as it possibly could. "Huh what do you mean? Zetsu can understand anything if Obito explains it good enough."

"Piss off, you guys. You're just embarrassing," the boy mumbled, wiping the sweat off his face and going for another set. He then said in a quieter voice, "guess this is how oka-san and otou-san felt when I pestered them to know what sex was..."

Spiral Zetsu heard this loud and clear.

There was silence in the cave.

Then.

"...Obito, what's sex?"

The other Zestus quickly joined in.

"What's sex what's sex what's sex what does it feel like is there anyway you could possibly articulate this idea to us yeah explain it Obito we're dying to know is it a human thing we can do human things we can totally do human things so what's it like huh huh huh?"

Obito fell flat on his face mid push-up, "...son of a –!"

Far off in his stone chair, Madara chuckled.

.

...HashiMada (mild spoilers, takes place during the war)

Uchiha Madara was nothing if not a proud man. A very proud man. In fact, the one amateur mistake he ever fell to make was gloating about his success. Not to the world, not to that idiot yellow-haired boy, but to the one man he'd always kind of craved true acknowledgement from.

(But not because of those experiments no that didn't count.)

This was why he disappeared from the battlefield – the stupid Shinju would grow its damn self – and stood in the timeless realm of Tsukiyomi. On the ground before him was the tied-up Edo Tensei of Senju Hashirama.

"You see what I've done?" He asked finally, smile tilting his lips. "Do you see, idiot Senju? You may have created a village, but I will create a new world!"

Hashirama was frankly more preoccupied with the fact that his neck hurt from having to glance upwards at that angle, and slowly laid him chin on the blank floor. Then he pulled himself together.

There wasn't actually anything to worry about. This was still Madara, and people didn't change too much. This was still the Madara who cared a great deal about the exact length of his hair. The same kid who he used to peek on while he peed, if only to get him all defensive about his privacy. The same kid he'd kissed once, after which he figured out that he was not that kind of guy, thought he unintentionally made Madara decide that he totally was. But either way, the Kyuubi corrupted him once, but there was no way the tsundere-Madara-kun could ever destroy the world or anything.

Gathering his thoughts tightly, he looked up once again, mourning the mobility of his neck muscles.

"Uchiha Madara!" Hashirama thundered. "Are you proud of yourself?"

Madara blinked. "Isn't that... exactly what I've finished explaining to you?"

"No. Because that is not something to be proud of, Madara. It's not," he shook his head vehemently. "One cannot be proud of such stubborn-minded apathy! This is unbecoming of you!"

Hashirama went on yelling in his most regal voice. If one looked closely, it would be clear that Madara's shoulders sunk by a centimeter. If one looked closer, they would see the smile falling slowly off his face.

These two, of course, were signs of utter confusion. Because... why wasn't Hashi scared? Why wasn't he quivering with fear and praising Madara's greatness?

Unfair.

"I trusted you, and I know you were led astray by the Kyuubi-"

"I was not!"

"-but that is no reason to be acting like this. The world is a beautiful place and all you need is someone to show you around," his voice lowered momentarily. "There's no need to create another one. Now stand right there and take a moment to think about your life choices, old friend."

Silence permeated the Tsukiyomi's sky. Madara's shoulders sunk another few centimeters. Unfair unfair unfair why did the idiot Senju always have the last word?...

Begrudgingly, he went ahead and thought about his life choices.

Ten minutes later, the Edo Tensei Shodai's expression softened. "Done thinking?"

"...yes."

"Realized what an idiot you are?"

"..."

"Good enough. Now untie me."

"...Sure."

Hashirama then grinned brightly. "Wonderful. Maybe we can go for some inarizushi, then. It'll be fun scaring everyone, won't it? Just like the good old times."

"...yes I suppose that would indeed be fun."

So I'm still technically on hiatus (for longer fics like Kokuten), but I had fic ideas, so I decided to celebrate by writing more of this cracky stuff. The onesided KabuOro was suggested by pheonixyfriend, ItaSasu was suggested by a friend of mine who wanted to see how I could parody it, and the others were suggested by guests.

Epilogues:

Itachi, who was a good kid, never quite figured it out.

After receiving a 'death' threat from Pein, Hidan informed his partner that as a priest of Jashin, he could totally do marriage rites. Totally.

Kabuto continues to live in blissful ignorance... as a Itachi-style petrified statue in the middle of the cave. Well, people have their ways.

Rikudou Madara and Edo Tensei Hashirama order tea and inarizushi and everyone decided not to risk restarting the war by asking.

Zetsu eventually moves on. To Madara. Madara doesn't chuckle anymore.

asdfghjkl you guys have given me so many ideas I don't even know where to start! So far there's around twenty-two ships on my list (but if you manage to suggest something sufficiently awesome, it may travel upwards ;D), and this is awesome fun to write.

Also, if you like HashiMada (or want to read more of my one-shots), go to 'thirdmetaphor', where I've started posting some of my work.