Zoe Hart felt like a failure. Yet another of her relationships had crashed and burned, and here she was in the wreckage, stuffing her face with empty calories; moping alone to Alanis Morissette and every other angry, sad break-up song she could find on her ipod. She hugged a cushion to herself and sighed. Every single time; every guy. She was really starting to think maybe it just wasn't going to work for her. Maybe she was just one of those people who ended up alone, crashing from one failed relationship to the next until she finally got sick of being dumped and cheated on and screwing things up. She swiped at the tears running down her cheeks again, and tried to quash the overwhelming loneliness she felt at the prospect of being alone for the rest of her life. She hated herself for moping, for being so weak and pathetic.
A came knock at her door and Zoe forced herself up from the couch and shoved the empty ice cream container into the rubbish, rapidly followed by as many of the scrunched up tissues as should could hastily gather. She didn't want Lavon seeing how badly she was falling apart. She called out that she'd be there in a second, and quickly ducked into the bathroom to splash water on her face and pat it dry with a towel in an attempt to hide the fact that she'd been bawling all day. As she approached the door, she pulled herself together into some semblance of a stable human being.
It wasn't Lavon.
Wade's gaze ran over her, and she knew he could tell instantly that she'd been crying from the way his eyes lingered on hers. She swallowed uncomfortably, as the tears threatened to make a reappearance. Wade was the last thing she needed right now – another failed relationship right in front of her where she couldn't ignore it.
"Hey," he said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. He watched her cross her arms over her oversized sweatshirt and give him a little nod of greeting. "These are yours. Earl sent them."
He held out her outfit from last night, cleaned and folded in a neat pile (minus the shoes she was now sure had ended up inside a gator).
"Thanks," she managed, taking them from him.
They stood in an awkward silence as Wade weighed up just leaving right then, and Zoe weighed up slamming the door in his face. It was Wade who broke their silent reverie.
"Zoe?"
Zoe hated the way he said her name; hated that it still pulled at that part of her that had always warmed when he smiled at her, or spoke to her, or touched her. She'd tried so desperately to stamp it out when Wade had betrayed, like she wanted to stamp every trace of Wade out of her life, but it was a stubborn little flame that popped up again every time.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Zoe pressed her lips together in a tight smile. But he was looking at her still, and she dropped her head. "I'm used it. Got my routine down pat."
"Zoe…"
The pain in his voice dug into her. It was yet another reminder that they weren't what they used to be, that that brief period where she'd been so happy with him was long gone. Like Joel. And now she was just alone, and maybe she always would be, because she was a neurotic mess of a woman who only fell for guys who would break her heart, and couldn't love the ones who she should. And suddenly she was thinking about the way her 'father' had pulled away from her when he realised she wasn't his, and about the real father who she'd never got the chance to really know, and the mother who she wanted so much to love but couldn't stop fighting. Every relationship she touched was a mess.
It was too much to feel all at once, when she was still trying pull her pieces together. Zoe felt another wave of tears coming, so she abruptly turned her back on Wade, intent on running somewhere he and his pity couldn't find her and make her feel worse. She barely got one step before Wade's hand closed on her wrist and pulled her back. She tried to shake him off, keeping her face down in an attempt to keep him from seeing her crying, but then she found herself held tightly against him and she couldn't bring herself to fight any more. She went limp and let him hold her while she shook and made ugly sobbing noises, and soaked his flannel shirt with her tears because right now, she desperately needed that little bit of comfort that still lived in Wade's arms. He always made her feel better.
She gave herself one minute. Just one minute of him whispering words of comfort, of his warm hands rubbing circles on her back. She drew just enough strength from him to push him away.
"Wade," her voice broke on his name. "Just… go. Please."
He gave her that look again, full of sorrow and regret and it was just like that night at the wedding with her heart falling to pieces, but still so desperately wanting to forgive him. He did as she asked, and left her to cry by herself, hating every step he took away from her.
Zoe closed the door on him once he turned his back, and slid down it to sit on the floor in a miserable heap, promising herself this was the last time. She was done with falling apart. She'd had enough of loving, and liking, and wanting things. She was tearing up the picture in her head and moving on.