Lovelife05 this one is for you, thank you for correcting the lyrics in my last chapter. You've all been waiting a while so if you want an explanation it's at the end.

Carolijah

I'm so glad you made time to see me

After five years she decided it was time to return to London, just for Christmas and New Year. There was something so festive about the English capitol in the snow and it's not like she had anywhere else to go.

She had been alone now for over fifty years, her mother had passed away at ninety years old and although they wanted to see her she wasn't in contact with her old friends. She missed them and loved them all dearly but somehow their group was always somehow connected to the originals. Stefan had finally moved on from Elena and Damon and his relationship was better for it. Damon and Kol had become good friends, once they stopped snapping each other's necks while Rebekah's loyalty to family was what kept them with Elijah and Klaus. The two reasons that Caroline wouldn't visit, or ever let them know where she was.

Elijah tracked her down here once; she fled and didn't return until half a decade later, figuring he wouldn't want to see her again. Two days after coming back to her third favorite city she spotted him. She was sat in some coffee chain watching the snow fall when he walked in, suited up as always. His eyes met hers within seconds. She dropped hers to the table, not wanting to see him walk away. Her throat caught when he took the seat opposite her.

She wanted to thank him, for not hating her, explain why she had reacted so appallingly but instead she said. "Merry Christmas Elijah."

"Merry Christmas, Caroline."

How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while

She had to ask about the family and her friends. He told her that Rebekah and Kol were together and driving each other insane. He pushed her to tears and she threw things at him.

Caroline laughed. "I thought they got past that?"

"No, she just had someone to bitch to when you were around." He didn't mean it to be cruel but she flinched as though it was a strike.

Staring into her hot chocolate she asked the question they couldn't dance around. "And Klaus?"

"He misses you." She fixed a cold stare on him. "He is keeping a close eye on the new doppelganger." A heavy silence fell over them.

"Olivia." She whispered. "How did she even happen?"

"Katarina's father had a bastard daughter, from the same bloodline." He explained calmly.

"She had a child?"

"Three. Magic and nature always find a loophole. It was always a possibility that somewhere down the line another clone would be born. Although it was sooner than anticipated." She nodded somberly.

"Another blood bag." She ended bitterly. He changed the subject.

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

"So much for global warming." He said, clearly his throat. Enough family chat then.

"I love the snow in England, didn't see so much of it growing up. English summer however…" She added with a chuckle.

"I wonder how often they get the sun." He mused smiling slightly.

"About ten minutes a year." She answered. "Hence why I stay here in the winter."

"You haven't been here the last five years."

"You have?" She choked out in shock.

"Yes."

The silence in the air thickened, he'd been looking for her? She wanted to ask but couldn't hear the answer.

"I saw your essay. On vampire legends." He chuckled.

"I have my hobbies."

"I can't believe there isn't a vampire council stopping you." She teased.

"Vampire council." His brow furrowed before he laughed. "I love the way your mind works." He cleared his throat again, breaking eye contact while her heart cracked with guilt. They fell into silence again.

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

She often wondered when he had found her, as far as she knew five years ago but this was Elijah; not Klaus or Rebekah. If they knew where she was they'd be there on the nearest flight with no thought. Elijah was the sensible one, capable of listening to his heart without leaping headfirst into the dark.

It had been a century since she'd left, and her first instinct on seeing Elijah was to run. For all his nobility Elijah was truly loyal to only one thing, his family. His word could be trusted on anything else but nothing would come between him and his remaining siblings. If he knew where she was Rebekah would arrive soon to see the girl she considered a sister, probably bringing Kol along as well. Then there was Klaus.

He must know why she left and it was likely he was still obsessing, he was determined to be her last love and she expected to never have peace from him. She had loved him, it was volatile and passionate. They would scream, laugh, cry, fight and fuck but she had loved him. But she had a line and he crossed it without a thought. So did she.

When Elijah arrived on her doorstep that Christmas she hadn't run, not right away, she had her own little flat and she didn't want to leave and part of her had been dying to see him. She missed her old friends of course, Elena and Stefan and it broke her heart that she couldn't be there for Matt's children who had known about vampires since they were sixteen but she had said her goodbyes to them. Not to Elijah, nor his family.

Instead she invited him in, put the winter roses he'd brought in a vase and they'd chatted. Similar to any slightly awkward chat between old friends until a heated silence fell.

"Come home." Not a request but not a command. Somewhere between a plea and a demand. The reason she couldn't screamed in her mind but he didn't know the real reason. If he did he wouldn't be here.

"Okay." They settled down for the night agreeing to fly first thing in the morning, be back in time for Christmas eve.

As soon he was sleeping she bolted.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time

She pushed the past away, unwilling to let her mind wander back any further.

"I'm sorry." Her voice came out small and weak and she hated how it sounded. "I couldn't go back, I still can't and back then I couldn't tell you why."

"I won't make you do anything you don't want." He replied, voice level but jaw tense.

"I have missed you so much…"

"And yet you've hidden from all the people who love you." Caroline's throat began to burn with tears, she felt awful and alone. But she wasn't a weak seventeen-year-old anymore and no-one was going to use her guilt against her.

"You once went over a century without seeing Rebekah, she told me. Your baby sister, you abandoned her with no contact and no way of knowing if you were alive or dead. Yes I've hidden and I think about the people I've left every single day, especially you, but you did the same." She paused, breathing heavy. Then asked for the answer she needed. "Why did you leave?"

"Why did you?"

"I'll tell if you will." Part of her prayed that he'd stay silent.

"I had to get away from my brother. I regret that Rebekah didn't feel the same but it was important that I did so."

"So did I." She answered.

"I gave Rebekah the choice to come with me and had he not been daggered and his body hidden I would have also asked Kol."

"Not Finn?" She tried to deflect her own explanation.

"Finn was never an easy companion, but that is off topic." He responded. "You left without a word."

She nodded.

"Why?"

She focused her gaze on his fingers. "I felt I had to."

"Had to what?"

"Be free of him and…" Her voice cracked and she chocked as the words on her tongue turned to ash. "Just free of all of it."

"I hope you enjoying your freedom." He answered with ice.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I'd go back to December all the time

She wanted to cry at his tone but he continued in his search for understanding. "Why didn't you give any of us the choice?" The bluntness of it kept her silent. "I woke up to three drained bodies in the living room and Rebekah hiding in her room. She was terrified. We had no idea what he had done, even Kol refused to speak to him. All your things still there but you were no-where to be seen."

"I didn't want to say goodbye and I needed a head start." She explained. "You know that's true."

"I don't understand why you had to be free of all of us. Tell me what I did."

She looked up in shock. "Nothing." She blurted. "If I'd waited even one more day I wouldn't have been able to go without you. I'm still not sure if it was the right choice."

"It wasn't."

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving

"I would have left if you asked me." He told her.

"I know." She admitted. "But back then I could only take what was real." She saw shocked and anger shoot straight through him. Less than a second later he had turned to stone. He stood slowly.

"Happy new year Caroline."

"Please, Elijah. You have to let me explain… please." She begged in desperation.

"Goodbye."

She felt empty as she watched him leave again. "Happy birthday Elijah." Only a few decades late.

There was one more answer she needed. If she'd asked him to stay five years ago, would he?

When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,
Realized I loved you in the fall

She let herself back into her dark apartment feeling the darkness more acutely than ever before. She hated it and in that second made a decision. She would not be responsible for her own unhappiness any longer. She wrote down everything she remembered about Elijah and about loving him then found a way to explain what she'd meant by what was real.

Two days later Rebekah received a letter she had almost completely given up on. "Kol!" She screamed as soon as she recognized the swirly handwriting. She was upstairs before he'd properly woken up.

"Loud Bekah, why" He complained when she jumped onto their bed and ripped open the envelope. He sat up, wrapping his arms round her waist and looking over her shoulder. "What's so very interesting?"

"It's Caroline." She answered.

"No it's not." He responded. "I miss Baby Sis too but she's not coming back."

The envelope held a separate thick letter with a stamp but no address and a note.

Dear Bekah, and probably Kol too.

I'm so sorry it's been so long and I've missed you guys like crazy and you both know what went down between me and Elijah, maybe even better than I do.

I don't know how much you heard from the night I left but with supernatural hearing I guess it depends on whether you were listening.

When I moved in with you it meant that I forgave Klaus for everything, the things I knew and the things I didn't but I made him promise me one thing. That he would never compel me. I told you what happened with Damon so you know as well as he did why that was important to me. He did it anyway.

I'm not even sure how long it lasted but when you mentioned Olivia I knew there was something gone. I didn't know what you were talking about but you told me that I'd met her. I wouldn't just forget a doppelganger.

After many tears and a lot of screaming I made Klaus give it back, reverse anything he'd done to me and when I remembered Olivia, I remembered Elijah. Remembered falling in love with him. It had taken me years to decide if I could handle not-knowing if I had the whole truth or not. The separate letter is for Elijah, I don't know where he is but I hope you do and that you will pass it on.

I'm sorry for hurting you when I left but I hope you can understand why. I'm also sorry For not saying this before. Goodbye.

Love Caroline.

"She's not coming back is she?" Rebekah said folding up the letter.

"No sweet sister, she isn't. But maybe we can find her." He answered.

"How? It's been fifty years now."

"And I'm betting Elijah's seen her at least once in that time." He pointed out. "Send him the letter." She nodded and resisting the urge to read it first she sent the envelope to Elijah's English address.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

Dear Elijah,

I know that I hurt you by implying what we had was not real, I know it was but I don't know if my memories are. I'm going to go right back to the start so you know what he did and why I had to leave.

When I was human I had a poor excuse for a relationship with Damon Salvatore, when he was still obsessed with Kathryn and about as bad as we've ever seen him. He used me as a blood bag and a sex slave he pushed me around and played with me like I was a toy and I doubt he ever felt bad for it. The best thing about becoming a vampire was getting all my memories back and knowing that no-one could do that to me again.

But then there was you and your family, mainly Klaus. He knew everything I'd been through and I thought that he understood why the idea of being compelled terrified me but apparently he didn't; either that or he simply didn't care.

He made me forget meeting Olivia, probably because he knew how hard it would be for me to accept his control of her life but when I found out, a chance comment from Rebekah, I made him give it back. He gave back everything he'd taken from me, which was when I realized what had happened between us.

We were lovers. We became friends the summer that Damon and Elena went travelling. It was a great summer, full of sun and fun and by the fall I'd somehow fallen in love with you and as far as I know you loved me too. We were stupid to try and continue behind Klaus's back but I'd forgotten what he was like by then because a part of me still loved him. A part that went away when I found out he had stolen from my mind.

So that's what I remember, kissing you on a beach and making love at Elena's lake house. I'm sorry for all the pain you must've felt when I acted like none if that had happened but as far as I knew it hadn't.

So that was what I meant by only taking what was real. I don't know if I'll ever know if I have it all back or not but I know that I miss you like a part of me and I hope that now you understand and can forgive me for leaving.

I've wanted to know for a while. If I'd asked you to stay with me five years ago would you?

I'm not asking for anything.

I still love you.

Caroline.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I'd go back to December all the time

The answer was yes, of course it was. But she didn't ask and she wasn't asking now, not in so many words but he tried to let her know that.

The twentieth of December he sent winter roses to her England apartment and she made sure to be there every Christmas. Elijah had also read the letter she had sent to Rebekah, he had no way of finding out if there was still gaps in her memory but he could share what he had.

In his study he had at least ten photo albums filled with pictures of their time together. It had been about a year before she changed, that must've been when Klaus had intervened. Not a lot of time but there were hundreds of photos.

He picked two of the early ones. The first was of them both of the beach eating ice cream, her head was thrown back and she was laughing at something while he tried not to giggle as well. The second was one she had taken of him while he was asleep, he looked less than attractive. They were the start of a year of heaven. He sent those with flowers and his address; it was the same every year.

He kept this up every year. She didn't respond, afraid that if her memories were incomplete he wouldn't want her. It was another fifty years before she came in one night and there were no roses and no photos. Just a note.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry

There are no photos of how it ended. You only recorded the happy moments. The night you realized that Niklaus knew was not one of them. But I'm sure that was one he gave back. You cried for hours, terrified of what he would do and whether we'd be together afterwards. Obviously not.

But we have a chance again now my love. I'm always in the same place at Christmas and one year I hope to see you.

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

Caroline turned on the television to try to let her mind decompress. There was some nostalgia program on. Recreating Christmas from a hundred years ago, less commercialized, better from the makers point of view.

She turned it off and sat in the dark. Christmas would never be like that again, they were actors and it was all pretend. You can't change the present by living in the past.

You also can't change the past by wishing, you can only alter the future. She packed a bag.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

The house was straight from a fairy tale. Christmas lights on every window and snow on the roof. She could hear laughter and music from the inside; it was the family Christmas she'd wish for. The idea that Klaus might be there briefly crossed her mind but walking away would kill any chance they had.

She took the chance and knocked on the door. It was Rebekah that answered, any greeting turning into shrieks of happiness that drew the rest of the house to the door. Caroline was swept up in a flurry of greetings.

Rebekah screamed in happiness, insisting that she knew one day she'd come back. Kol lifted her off the ground in a hug; he told her he'd missed her too in a slightly less excitable way. Stefan was there with his new wife Annabelle, a sweet red-haired vampire. He seemed happy not his brooding self. Elena and Damon were spending the holidays with Jeremy's descendants which may have been for the best. Elena had the most trouble forgiving Caroline for leaving. She'd been even more hurt and angry when she choose to contact Rebekah over her. When the excitement calmed down she realized that Klaus was not here and instantly relaxed. Finally she was left alone with Elijah.

"Super natural hearing." He whispered quietly.

"Might be better to talk outside." She agreed.

They slipped out into the gently falling snow.

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I'd go back to December all the time

"What made you come this year?" He asked once they were a fair distance from the house.

"Some stupid TV show." She answered honestly.

"I'm honored." He said, smirking.

"It was all about the past and wasn't it so lovely and so sad that the future will never be that nice and I remember thinking: who cares! The past is in the past and most people aren't gonna know what it's like in fifty years' time so who cares. You can only change the future and you don't do it by wising the past was different."

"I spoke to Niklaus and he swears he gave back every memory. Then I told him to stay away from the both of us I'm sorry it took me fifty years to find out why you left, I should have realized why you were acting like we'd never been together."

"I'm sorry for leaving without a word. I don't intend on doing that again." He stopped walking and took a step closer to her.

"I don't intend on letting you leave any time soon." He whispered smirking. He kissed her gently and she wondered how she could ever forget the feel of his soft lips against hers.

"Merry Christmas, Caroline."

Merry Christmas, Elijah."

All the time

Okay I lost my job and now I have a new one and I'm doing much better so hopefully I won't be too miserable and depressed to even turn on my laptop. Again, always taking requests and constructive criticism.

This is a revised version of this chapter because there were bits I didn't like, so I fixed it.