Chapter Three: Eyes Wide Shut
"What do you think, Bella?" Mike Newton's voice sounded abstracted, distant. Was he saying my name? "Bella? Hello? Earth to Bella Swan?" His words registered slowly. I bent my head in his direction. "Hey, are you okay?"
I scoffed silently to myself at his question. Physically, I was perfect. Dr. Gerandy had given me a clean bill of health, but I was far from okay. In the last few days, a huge hole had been carved out in the middle of my chest. My heart, once the source of life, now hung there like an old, abandoned relic. The wound that remained was a festering ulcer; a wound, exposed to the elements. No. I was not okay, but I was too dead inside to talk about it. I looked at Mike Newton's hopeful face; his eyes were filled with understanding. His baby blue eyes twinkled as he stared across the table at me. In those eyes, I saw someone who would listen to all I had to say … someone who might actually believe me. Some part of me desired to spill my secrets about the vampires who, for a few months, had defined y world and my existence.
The hole began to burn as the memory of the Cullens danced through my mind. My eyes hastily averted to Mike; if I opened my mouth, I would scream in pain. No, I had to keep this bottled up at all cost. As for Mike Newton, all I could do was shrug and look away.
Mike breathed a heavy sigh and returned to his conversation with Tyler and Eric. I let my mind traipse as I attempted to remember getting up this morning. Charlie had said something to me, what was it? I couldn't remember and I didn't care. I didn't remember the drive to school and I certainly didn't remember my classes through the day; my eyes were wide shut. I was seeing everything and seeing nothing at the same time. I put my head on the table and drowned myself in my thoughts. The pain flowed as the memories resurfaced and took control.
"What's wrong with her?" A harsh, high pitched voice whispered. "They weren't even together that long."
Lauren Mallory. In an attempt to apologize for almost killing me with his van, last year, Tyler had asked to take me to prom, which had earned me Lauren's ire. She had a secret crush on Tyler that wasn't so secretive. Everyone in the school knew, but she had too much doubt to make a move.
Prom. That memory brought forth another deep ache that almost debilitated me. The aching sent a surge, like an electrical current throughout my body. Every appendage it passed began to sting and pulse furiously. It was like hitting a funny bone ten times in a row, but this was not isolated. My whole body felt the repercussions of my thoughts. I gripped the edge of the lunch table as the pulsating pain overwhelmed me. Despite the torture, I continued searching my memory. I couldn't help it, I remembered it all: his tuxedo, this way his siblings twirled around the dance floor with each other, and most importantly, the way he had held me. I winced as the ache radiated throughout me. I didn't care. I wanted to remember.
"She's just said," Angela's voice said. "You'd be acting the same way if you ever had a boyfriend."
I was a little surprised at Angela's boldness. She usually shied away from any form of confrontation. Laurent made a disgusted sound and went quiet. My mind began to dawdle again.
I glanced over at the table, where I had first seen them: the perfect looking, reclusive family. The hole began to blister my insides as more memories resurfaced. Grabbing my stomach, I looked away quickly. I tried my best to focus on something else, maybe the conversation at hand. The chatter at the table did little to distract me from the agony.
"Hey," Eric said, his face contorted to a look of exuberance. "Did anyone else get a look at the new girl?"
This seemed to capture everyone's attention and the discussion picked up the circumstances were different I would have sympathized with her. It wasn't too long ago that I was the new girl, that I was the topic of every conversation and the center of all the gossip. I was glad that the 'new' phase had faded. Now I was too dead inside.
Staring at the beautiful sunny day outside the window, I listened, out of habit, not curiosity, to the mundane lunchroom conversations. I glanced at their old lunch table: they wouldn't be in school today, were they here to begin with. The burning erupted from my chest and I recoiled from my thoughts, temporarily. I was starting to see a pattern; the pain came every time I thought of them or said his name. There was little I could do to help that. I would never forget them. I shook my head from side to side, these thoughts won't help, Bella, I thought viciously. I desperately wanted to pull myself back to reality. To rejoin my friends in the real world. However, after spending so much time with the supernatural, it was next to impossible.
"I saw her!" Jessica's voice shook me from my stupor. "She seems different. I have never seen someone so pale with black hair before!"
"And have you seen her eyes?" Eric asked eagerly. "I've never seen that color blue before! They're almost like ice blue!"
"I know! She looks like a total freak." Lauren said, bitterly. She never liked the idea of new girls getting all the attention.
"Just because she's different," Tyler spoke harshly, "doesn't mean she's a freak, Lauren."
"Well, I wasn't saying it to be mean." The attempted sweetness in Lauren's voice was both awkward and disgusting in the same moment. I could hear the muffled laughter from the entire table.
"You know who she reminds me of?" Angela said, without thinking, "The Cul-" I noticed her voice immediately cut off. "Uh, Bella…are you okay?
You're kind of freaking me out." It took me half a second to realize that I was staring at Angela directly. I felt the look on my face contort with embarrassment.
"Oh, sorry," I murmured. The whole table stared at me like I was going to spontaneously combust, which forced me to quickly avert my gaze. I couldn't meet their stares without giving away my sadness. Unwittingly, I glanced back in Angela's direction only to find myself caught in her gaze.
Angela's eyes seemed sad and compassionate. My mind began to wonder if she pitied me. Poor Bella, she was dumped. I didn't want anyone's compassion and I certainly didn't desire pity. I just wanted to curl up and die. To disappear along with the pain and sadness that now threatened to consume me whole. The burning had receded to a dull ache, but I knew it was only a matter of time. When would the next eruption of pain begin?
When I focused my attention again, I noticed that everyone seemed to be staring at something behind me. They all fell silent for a few moments. It was Mike who finally spoke.
"Is that her?" he leaned in toward Eric and lowered his voice.
"Yep," Eric said, entranced by whatever or whoever he was watching. "I told you she was different."
"Wow," Tyler said, almost hypnotized. "I see what you mean by her eyes."
I could almost hear Lauren roll her eyes.
Although I had a small desire to see the new student, I was too removed from reality to dwell on any subject. I was in so much pain and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide it. My skin began to shudder as the ripples of agony tore through me. My composure was beginning to break. I began thinking about leaving; just standing up, getting in my truck, and driving until my engine died. I would probably make it to the next town before that happened. Or, I thought to myself, I could start walking into the forest and maybe something would eat me… No, my brain shouted to me, do you have any idea what that would do to Charlie? Charlie, my dad, had suffered so much. I was not going to put him through more pain. I'm doing this for him…I'm doing this for Charlie. I was surviving because of him, despite the fact he tried to ship me back to Florida. That still confused me a little. Hadn't I been a good daughter? Since I first moved to Forks, the only trouble I had caused had been fleeing to Phoenix in the middle of the night. I cooked and cleaned, without complaining, and I didn't mind being alone on weekends. Most fathers would call that a miracle…
I was sitting there, beginning to ponder all the means of escape that I could take when, suddenly, the new girl walked into my line of sight. To call her pale was inadequate. To call her beautiful was adding insult to injury. Her complexion was many shades brighter than mine. Her skin was almost the tone of fresh milk, it was smooth and unscarred. Her hair was a brilliant onyx color and she wore it tied up in an odd bundle behind her head. She was thin, muscular, like an athlete, and there was something about her that appeared abnormally strong. This girl could definitely hold her own in a fight. Her arms were well defined and her face was pointed, angular, almost cat-like. I saw why they thought she resembled…the Cullens. Is it possible…could she be a vampire?
She almost danced as she walked, reminding me of Alice, but yet her walk was very different than the Cullens. While they had walked with confidence and a sense of arrogance, this girl sashayed, like a cat, a lioness stalking her prey. She eyed everything and everyone with a calculating stare. She approached a lunch table, facing us, nonchalant. I immediately took notice of her clothing. The Cullens had always dressed in clean-cut, conservative designers. The clothing that clung to the figure of the new girl was very outspoken. Her clothing seemed to contrast her demeanor entirely. While her walk suggested a sophisticated woman, her clothes reflected a normal teenager.
She gazed around the lunch room slowly, almost taking inventory of everyone and everything in the area. All of my companions turned away quickly. Apparently they remembered that it was rude to stare. I was the only one who continued to gaze at the new student, and I had a reason to.
"Bella," Eric whispered to me. "What are you doing?" I turned slowly to stare at him. "Do you know her?"
"No," I said simply and returned my eyes back to the new girl.
If I had said, "yes, she looks familiar to me because she's a vampire…" well, I don't think that they would have handled that very well.
I continued to watch her every move. She reached into her backpack with a smile on her face. Whatever she was digging for, it was entertaining. When her hand reappeared, she was gripping a paper sack. She looked at the sack and laughed, it seemed like a private joke. As she chuckled, I noticed her teeth: they were pointy, white, and perfectly shaped. She had a beautiful smile that only added to the beauty of her facial features. With another quick motion, she reached in and retrieved a plastic bowl from the bag. Smiling deeply, she opened it and smelled the contents with much enthusiasm. Whatever was in that bowl, she was enraptured with the smell of it. If she was a vampire, it would mean the contents of that bowl were…
I was busy deciphering her actions when she suddenly stopped. She placed the bowl on the table slowly; her eyebrows pulled together almost like she was concentrating on something. I could almost see her mouth moving quickly, like she was talking to herself. What is she doing? She put both hands on the table, in front of her, and seemed to sigh heavily. She slowly looked up and locked eyes with me.
My mouth fell open in overwhelming shock.
Her eyes, the eyes that the boys had been swooning over…those eyes. Her eyes were just like the ones I had imagined in the forest. Could this be a coincidence? I thought to myself, still staring at this girl. Am I going insane? What is wrong here? Am I dreaming? Did I die in the Am I going insane? What is wrong here? Am I dreaming? Did I die in the forest? The questions racked my brain again and again. I didn't realizethat my confusion must have been translating across my face. The girlsuddenly cocked her head to the side. My memory sparked again. Thefigure, in the forest, had cocked its head to the side in that same manner.
Okay, I thought to myself, it's official, I'm crazy.
I locked eyes with the new girl one more time and she smiled. It was a small crooked smile. She seemed to convey a secret, one we both shared. Suddenly the hole in my chest reignited, and I looked away. I turned my attention back to the table and realized that almost all of my friends had left to go to class. Eric and Angela were still sitting, talking about a project, and both looked at me, smiling, as if they wanted me to join their conversation. I have to get out of here, I thought anxiously. I gathered my belongings, throwing away my trash, and stealthily peeked back at the new girl. She was still staring at me and she was still smiling. I was confused by the way she was looking at me.
Does she know what I'm thinking? I wondered what it would mean if she did. Was this a coincidence or was she the entity I saw in the woods? The pain began to attack. It burned, like my heart was being dragged through hot coals. Shaking my head, I focused my thoughts and numbed my mind before it could intensify. I glanced at the clock, I had to get to class. I hesitantly exited the cafeteria, but not before throwing one last longing look at the table that was empty. The Cullens table…
I walked sluggishly across the Forks High School campus. I was stalling and in no hurry to get to my next class. As I passed through the halls, so many memories jumped out and screamed at me. A memory of him waiting for me beside the gym. "That Newton kid's really starting to annoy me." I grabbed the side of the building for support as the wave of agony washed over me. The memory of Edward's voice forced more pain to swim through my veins. Get a grip, Bella, I thought reproachfully. I finally made it to Anatomy and took my seat. This was probably the worst yet, I groaned as I looked at the empty seat beside me. I don't know why, but something hit a replay button in my mind, and I was suddenly listening to a previous conversation.
"Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen."
What I wouldn't give just to be able to hear him now, I thought sadly to myself. The hole pounded in my chest as I hunched over and retreated from the memory. I placed my head on my desk because the tears were threatening to poke through. I barely heard Mr. Banner enter the room. I was much too busy concentrating on the evaporation of my tears. I didn't hear much of what he said about the lab today and I started thinking that I might ask him if I could be excused. I was positive that I could convince him that I needed to go to the nurse. Mr. Banner was never a fan of crying girls. A fact I had learned when Jessica had cried about her D average a few weeks prior.
I sucked in a deep breath. This has to work. I can't stay here! What would be the easiest way to leave…without attracting any attention? The sound of the door opening shook me from my thoughts. I glanced up and noticed of the door opening shook me from my thoughts. I glanced up and noticed the new girl standing beside his desk. Mr. Banner glanced at a slip of paper that she handed to him and he sighed.
"Well, this is unexpected," he grumbled a little and turned to the class. "Class we have a new student. This is, uh…I'm sorry dear, I don't want to mispronounce your name." He looked apologetically at the new student.
The new girl smiled, almost slyly. "Aryana McRae. ARE-EE-ON-A," she said, sounding out almost every syllable in her name. Her voice was crisp and clear, yet sensual. I wasn't the only one who noticed.
"Well, that's an uncommon name," Mr. Banner said, attempting to make conversation with a beautiful student. "I don't believe I've heard it before."
The girl's lips retracted over her perfect teeth in disgust. She lifted one eye brow and leaned away from the egg-shaped man. It seemed she was aware of the intentions behind his comments.
"Well, thank you, I don't believe you shall hear it again," she said, almost snapping at him. Mr. Banner withdrew, realizing what she had already picked up on. It wasn't every day that a teacher attempted to hit on a student.
"Yes, well," he said, embarrassed. "Just find an open seat…oh! There's an open seat next to Miss Swan, over there on the right. Miss Swan?" I was staring and my mouth was a little open. I suddenly realized that he was talking to me. I snapped my mouth shut and straightened a little. "Umm, Miss Swan?"
I nodded and smiled as best as I could. The new girl, Aryana, smiled at me with the same lop-sided smile that she had in the cafeteria.
"All right then. Have a seat, Miss McRae," Mr. Banner said, reasserting his dominance as teacher. "Now, today we are going to be working on the displacement lab. I want both of you to perform experiment, not just one, and I …"
As he spoke, Aryana made her way to the desk and sat down next to me. I attempted to return my attention to Mr. Banner but I couldn't concentrate, not with a possible vampire next to me. After she had settled in, Aryana turned to me.
"Hello, Bella Swan," she spoke with a friendly tone. I turned towards her, my mouth open.
"Uh, h-h-how did you know my name?" I asked, bewildered. A wave of déjà vu washed over me, but I squashed it. I was confused. I had not talked to this girl before and she did not seem to know any of my friends. How could she know who I was? She stared at me with a look of confusion.
"Um, well is that your name?" she asked. "Because if it's not, then I think you have the wrong notebook." I turned to glance at my spiral notebook: BELLA SWAN. Written in huge bold letters, you'd have to be utterly blind not to see that. I sighed and nodded, seeing myself as the idiot I was.
"Sorry," I muttered, not exactly sure what I was sorry for. Sorry for being rude, or sorry for being an idiot. Maybe 'sorry' covered both.
"No need for an apology." She smiled at me and her voice was like pristine silver bells. "I believe I would be a tad startled if a stranger called me by my full name."
I smiled. Her voice was pleasant and very controlled. Her speech seemed dated, perhaps from another time. I stared at her skin, it was pale and smooth.
"Wow," I muttered, not really thinking about what I was saying, "and I thought I was pale."
My eyes immediately darted away to the desk. I deserved anything she said to me after that. How could I be so rude? But she simply laughed. Her laugh was beautiful and elegant, almost like the wind chimes that Renee hung on the porch. I glanced back to her.
"Yes," she said, still laughing, "I'm allergic to the sun."
I had to at least attempt a smile after that comment. That was the same excuse that I had used as a child when the public pointed out my pale skin.
"So, who are you?" I asked. Until fifteen minutes ago, I hadn't heard of any new students. Then again, I didn't really hear anything. My ears had just about shut off. "I didn't hear about a new student." A lie...almost believable.
She smiled revealing rows of perfect teeth. Her smile was beautiful, breath-taking…dazzling. I was forced to shake my head to concentrate again.
"It was sort of a last minute decision." She sighed, a touch of displeasure appeared behind her eyes. She untied her hair and it fell down her shoulders like an ebony waterfall. "You know how these things go, family decides something is best for a few of them and automatically it's the best for everyone."
I could hear the agitation in her tone, she was not happy about this move.
"So," I attempted to change the subject, "where did you move here from?"
"Sudbury. Ontario," she said, with a smile. "I miss Canada."
Wow. Canada. Canada had always seemed like a distant dream to me: more like a nightmare. I hated anything cold and wet. She proceeded to tie her hair back up in a mock ponytail. Her hair looked soft, almost like it was treated by a professional every day.
"What do you miss about it?" I asked, attempting to look interested. "Isn't it really cold and snowy?"
Aryana smiled and it seemed like she was remembering something, something far away. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. When she opened her eyes again the light danced across her pale blue eyes. "It's not terribly wet, at least not in the area I lived in. There's white snow and crisp, clear mornings. The sky is a beautiful shade of blue, even during snow storms," she said, with a huge smile, "I guess you could say that I fit in there."
I smiled but my mind had slowly wandered to my suspicions. Could this girl be a vampire, I thought to myself. Is my luck just such that with thedeparture of one family, another takes their place? I shuddered andscolded myself internally. They could and would never be replaced. Theywere the first and only family for me. I began to think about them, despitethe pain in my chest. I remembered the blonde, youthful-looking andcompassionate patriarch of the family. I remembered the short, pale, butloving matriarch. I remembered the brothers, strong and muscular butsweet in their own ways. I remembered the sisters, pale and beautiful.
Then there was him. He stood over 6 feet tall, tussled bronze hair, amber eyes, pale skin, and a face that would break the hardest of hearts. The hole singed my chest and I was completely unaware that it was apparent on my face. Then I heard a voice next to me.
"Bella," Aryana's voice was concerned, "are you in pain?"
I glanced at her, realizing that a tear was starting to descend the curve of my cheek. I reached up with my sleeve and wiped the stray away.
"No, I'm fine." I was always a terrible liar. "Stomach ache. So tell me…"
I smiled an unconvincing smile, in an attempt to change the subject, and turned back to the lab assignment. I was suddenly shocked to see the lab worksheet had already been filled out. My name as well as Aryana's was artistically written atop the paper.
"How did you finish this?" I asked, confused. "I didn't even see you start the lab."
Aryana smiled, a little smug, and shrugged. "I figure it would give us more time to chat," she said. "You were saying?"
I shifted a little in my seat before returning my attention to her. I studied her, looking for familiar vampire traits. Her skin was pale, just like his. Her beauty was even close to surpassing his sisters'. But it was her eyes that confused me to no end. Normally vampires had either red or amber colored eyes. I shivered as James' crimson eyes appeared in my memory.
"Umm…uh…oh I was going to ask," I said, still confused. "What was the reason your family decided to move?"
Aryana let loose a small, cynical giggle. I could see I struck a nerve.
"That's a little personal, Bella," she said hesitantly.
I nodded, a little embarrassed, and quickly averted my rapidly flushing face. She must have sensed my sudden bashfulness, or caught a glimpse of my blushing.
"Let's just say…I'm not a coward and I have never been one to back down from a fight."
A million questions popped into my head. But rather than fire them off at her, I just nodded and retreated into my mind. Who wanted to fight this girl, I thought to myself. Could there be something else going on inside Forks? Maybe this girl knows The Cullens. I continued on with these questions and suspicions until I realized the room had gotten darker. The sun, had been shining all day, suddenly disappeared. Outside dark, heavy clouds rolled in.
"Oh no." I heard her groan next to me. I turned to stare at her, a little confused. She turned to me, with an annoyed expression. "It's raining. I thought I would at least get a few more hours of dry weather. I glanced outside at the sheeting rain. There was now a thin curtain between me and the outside world.
"I have an idea. How about I ask you some questions, Bella?"
"Um, ok," I said, a little wary. Was I comfortable with talking to this girl?
"Ok, first, how long have you lived in Forks?" Aryana asked, dazzling me with her smile. "You don't seem to have the same cheery disposition as the others."
I attempted to smile, but I wasn't successful. "I've been living here for almost a year," I said, my voice sounding matter-of-fact, like I was answering an interrogation. "My mom re-married and I decided to come live with my dad for awhile. I visited here almost every summer when I was younger." Aryana seemed completely involved in my story and it almost seemed like she was taking mental notes.
"How old are you, Bella?" Her words brought back another sense of déjà vu that I tried my best to ignore.
"I'm 18," I said, once again, in a matter-of-fact tone. "How old are you?" I didn't expect her to answer that. It would've been way too easy.
"You really don't seem 18," she said. Her lip twisted to the side of her mouth, almost like she was thinking something enigmatic. Her features relaxed and she leaned into her chair a little more. "So do you own any pets?"
"No," I said, a little perplexed, "Charlie doesn't really have to time to look after a pet, neither do I." I looked at her and she seemed to be extremely entertained by my answer. She casually looked at her notebook and laughed to herself. What was so funny? She turned her head back to look at me again, still laughing.
"So," she spoke and her face dropped the happiness and became serious. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
The question cut me to the core, and immediately I wanted to get up and leave the room. I knew I had to answer though.
"No," I said with a touch of sadness. I glanced at Aryana's face; she had noticed my change in temper.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she said quickly. "I hope I didn't offend you." She leaned forward in an attempt to catch my eye again.
I glanced at her and then down at my hands. Why was she trying to be so friendly towards me anyway? What was it to her? While I continued stewing in my anger, I saw the sun break through the clouds for an instant and the ray of light lingered on Aryana's arm for a short while. I quickly turned to catch what I hoped to see; her skin shining like a million diamonds. However, her skin was just pale under the bright sun. I began to get a little frustrated with this, almost a little angry. Is she a vampire or not? The class bell rang loudly. I jumped in surprise. I was out of time, but I had to think of something. I doubt that she would openly admit to anything I would ask her. Or maybe she would, I could always try.
"H-h-hey, umm, Aryana," I said, warily. "C-c-can I ask you something?" I stared at her, unprepared. Her face was serious with almost no expression.
"Hmmm," she paused before leaning toward me. "On one condition." Her serious expression was unnerving.
"What's that?" I asked, my voice sputtered as I spoke.
"Will you s-s-stop s-s-stuttering?" she asked, a smile appearing across her face. "I am not going to rip your throat out if you offend me."
The comment made me tense up. My breath caught in my throat causing me to cough. Aryana lifted one eyebrow in response to my sudden expectoration. Seeing her concern I attempted to smile.
"Um, ok," I said, slowly. "Is there anything different about you?" The words came out slowly and jumbled. I could barely follow them.
"Different," she said, half questioning, half pondering the word.
"Well," I started again, more confident now. "You know, is there something about you that most people wouldn't see. Something that maybe someone could see if they knew what to look for?"
Aryana looked at my face, it seemed like she was attempting to read me, or maybe she saw something behind my eyes that I wasn't aware of. She finally exhaled and shifted her weight. "Well," she said slowly. "That would depend."
"Depend? Depend on what?" I asked, curiosity brimming.
Aryana leaned in toward me, her face dark but humorous.
"On who's looking," she said with a hint of mystery in her voice. She flashed me a dazzling smile, picked up her backpack, and glided away from me. I watched her walk away. I was utterly confused. She stopped at the door and glance back at me. She seemed to be hesitating with something, but she turned around and left the classroom.
I stared, my mouth open. 'What,' was the only word I could think of.
By the time I left the school, everyone was already gone. I sat in my truck and attempted to review the day, but could hardly put things into place. Even parts of my conversation with Aryana were fading into the background. However, I couldn't help but think about what she had said to me. 'That would depend…on who's looking.' What does she mean? Does she mean that everyone has their own point of view? That every person would see something different? Or could she be implying that if a person had certain knowledge, they would see something that no one else could. Was I that kind of person?
My mind raced with many different thoughts and finally, I threw my hands up in frustration. If she was a vampire, why didn't her skin glitter the way Ed…the way his had? Maybe she had a special ability. Could that even be possible? I wasn't aware of what I had been doing, but I suddenly realized that I was parked in front of my house. My hands were gripping the steering wheel very stiffly. I let go slowly as I reclined in my seat. A sigh escaped my mouth and it echoed through my entire body. I let my head fall into my hands. What was I doing? Was I really so obsessed that I would think this new girl was a vampire? Was I so desperate for proof? As if I had pressed replay again, another memory sparked.
It'll be as if I never existed…
"No!" I yelled inside the cabin of my truck as his words echoed in every corner of my memory. I refused to let that happen! I had to hang on, had to continue to remember. I refused to let go of my memories. They were all I had left… I got out of my truck and headed into the house. I was on a mission: I would not let him go without a fight. My stomach was growling for food but I didn't feel the pain. My hunger was gone. I hadn't realized that I had not eaten anything since... I didn't care. My hunger for understanding and for my memory was stronger than my body's weak desire for sustenance.
I stared at the living room, at the empty chair that had once held his perfect form. I sat down slowly and curled up on the chair. I let my nostrils fall to the fabric and inhale deeply. I was searching for any sign of his sweet, delicious scent: the aroma that would temporarily heal my wounds. Nothing. My disappointment added to the pain that was crushing my insides. I held my stomach and cried out. I didn't feel the fall to the floor below me, I only felt the increasing pain of alienation. I curled up into a ball, hugging my stomach, and once again I let the pain swallow me. I let it consume me whole and let the carved opening gnaw and sting me. Wave after wave, the agony buried me deeper and deeper. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them tightly. Shutting my eyes, I submitted to the anguish and conformed to the misery that fuelled this torture.
I didn't think about how long I was there until I heard Charlie pulling up the driveway. I refused to let him see me like this. I had to be strong around Charlie. I owed him that much. I picked myself up off the ground, a difficult task in itself. My body almost refused to respond as I attempted to rise from my grief. I could almost hear Charlie's footsteps crossing the yard towards the front door. I had maybe a minute before he would walk through the front door. I couldn't let him see me like this, not if I wanted to stay in Forks. The thought of leaving—sent away from all that reminded me of him—gave me a burst of strength. I heaved my body off the carpet and found myself darting up the staircase. I could almost see form from above; this was not me. I shut the door to my room just as Charlie turned the doorknob.
"Bella?" he called, his voice was wary and cautious. I was not unfamiliar with this tone. He had used this ever since…well, since I was found. I usually called to him, letting him know I was home. At the moment, I didn't know how to respond. I was still so consumed by my grief that if I answered I would release all my pain through my voice. Then there would be no stopping him, he'd pack me up and send me to Jacksonville to live be no stopping him, he'd pack me up and send me to Jacksonville to live with Renee and Phil. I don't think I could stand living with a perpetually happy couple 24/7. I briskly hurled my body on the bed, quickly covering my face with a pillow. Moments later there was a light knocking on the door. I heard the hinges of the door squeak open and then footsteps across my floor.
"Bella," Charlie's voice was soft, and still wary. "Are you all right, sweetheart?"
I said nothing. Bella, you have to talk! I started to debate internally on what to say to my father. It doesn't matter, if you don't say something he's going to…I couldn't finish that statement. I didn't want to think about what Charlie would do. It's now or never, Bella! I sighed and finally spoke, my face still covered by the pillow.
"Hi, dad," I said, my voice sounded dead and muffled through the feathery pillow. Charlie breathed a sigh of what seemed like relief. He had always been on awkward around me, but ever since they left he had been
increasingly nervous. I had a sneaking suspicion that he thought I might be a tad suicidal. I wondered if his suspicions were far from the truth.
"How was your day, sweetheart?" Charlie asked the same question every day, his voice always probing. I silently sneered at his question. I felt like screaming at him: No! Everything is not okay! I have lost everything that ever mattered to me! How can you even ask me that! My entire life has been taken away from me! Would you be okay if that happened?
The hole in my chest began to seethe and I felt a wave of pain rush over. The pain was so intense, and I instinctively grabbed my stomach and cried out a little in pain. That was a mistake.
"Bella!" Charlie said, worry and anxiousness brimming in his voice. "What is wrong with you? Are you sick? Are you hungry?" I felt his hand on the pillow.
I knew that I was not going to get rid of him by saying nothing. I gathered what little strength I had left and took a deep breath. "No, dad," I said, taking the pillow off my face slowly. "I'm not sick. I'm just hungry and I have a headache.
"Bella," he said, slowly. "Is everything all right…do you…want to…uh…?" Charlie's demeanor changed as he began to stutter. "Is there anything… that…you want to…uh…talk about?" This was just what I wanted to avoid with him. I wanted to disappear and hide somewhere. I didn't want to talk about it.
"No," I said, flatly. I slowly turned my back towards him and closed my eyes. I heard Charlie sigh heavily and felt his weight lift off the bed. I heard his footsteps trail across the floor before the door closed softly.
Breathing a deep sigh of relief, I sat my body upright and put my head in my hands. I couldn't stand anymore today. The tears finally broke through like storm water breaching a levy.
Oh Edward, I thought sadly, why? I grabbed both sides of my head, both my hands full of hair. I shook my head again and again. I have to get these memories out, I thought to myself hysterically. I fell back onto my bed and shut my eyes. Images flashed behind my eyelids; painfully beautiful memories returned. They passed through my mind like a slide show. Each picture caused a unique ache that I felt…everywhere.
I can't remember when I fell asleep, but sometime during the agonizing mental picture show, I fell into an uncomfortable slumber. The images began pouring in at rapid speed, but I could see them all clearly. Laying in the meadow with him. His beautiful eyes staring at me, as we danced at prom. The sound of his voice as it said my name: Bella.
"You are my life now," his voice danced across the confines of my mind.
I felt myself in his arms, I could smell his aroma, and I could feel his breath on my face. I felt his arms tighten around me and his face lowered to my level. I glanced up slowly and met the gaze of my love. The owner of my heart, my soul, and my everything. He smiled at me with my favorite smile.
I heard his voice speak my name, 'Bella.' I turned my eyes to him again, his smile had faded. He stepped away. No, no, not this again. 'Bella you're not good for me.'
That did it.
Author's Note: Repost.