Hi, everyone! Sorry it's taken so long to get this out. In between school and a slight writer's block, I was just having a tough time putting this chapter together. I do hope that the time spent revising it (special thanks to my great beta reader, Black Rookie, for her input and help!) has turned out something good.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit work of fiction. Axis Powers Hetalia is the property of Funimation, Studio DEEN, and Hidekaz Himaruya. Please support the official release.
Interlude: Angels of All Shapes and Sizes
Matt waited in the room as patiently as he could. It was a calming place, with two comfortable couches, a table covered by some potted plants and bonsai trees, and, par for the course, several tissue boxes. But he was still a bit jittery and he couldn't help tapping his fingers nervously. Today was the first appointment of possibly many more with the therapist his boss set him up with.
Both the Prime Minister and the President agreed that Matt needed help. They both could tell throwing himself into work wasn't helping at all, only adding to his stress as well as keeping him from getting to spend quality time with Kenna. Even Kenna and Katyusha approved of Matt's decision to go to therapy if it meant him getting a grip on his grief and anger. And Dr. Melanie Gilmore seemed to be a perfect fit for his issues.
She was one of very few human souls to know one of the biggest secrets in the world. She knew of the Nations, the human embodiments of countries and states. She was specifically appointed because of her adherence to keeping the secret and taking it to her grave.
But Matt still wasn't totally sure if he even could see her. On the one hand, it would be nice to have someone to talk to, someone from the outside to look in as much as he'd let her. Plus therapists were not generally judgmental.
Finally, a woman came in and said, "Matthew Williams, I am ready to see you."
Matt saw Dr. Gilmore and he couldn't help but feel comforted by her presence. She was a rather comely woman in her forties, with brown hair pulled back in a bun, a pair of glasses framing her brown eyes, and dressed in a rather approachable fashion - tan slacks, a simple but modest blue shirt and a long grey cardigan. She had a gentle smile on her face, and Matt could tell she was not a judgmental or harsh woman at all. He got up from the chair and reached out to shake her hand.
"Hi, Dr Gilmore I presume?"
"Yes. I am indeed Dr. Gilmore. And you must be the embodiment of Canada. Are you okay with me calling you by that name, or by your human one?"
"Just Matt is okay," he said to her as they walked on over to their seats.
She smiled and nodded, saying, "Alright Matt. How about we start off with you telling me a little bit about yourself? I know that you are coming in specifically because of those especially tragic events from over six months ago for one thing."
Matt nodded and replied, "Yeah, but that isn't all of it. It's... kind of hard to explain."
Melanie just answered, "Well, it's not my job or my place to judge anyone, especially someone who is still reeling from his brother's suicide. I'm here to listen and give advice, and nothing more than that."
And so the Canadian personification took a deep breath and nodded. He began.
"Well, the main reason I decided to get therapy was because about a week ago, when I put Kenna to bed, she asked me if I hated her. I asked her why she would think that, and she just felt like because I spent so much time at work and because of how she's Alfred's replacement, and she wondered if I held resentment towards her. It kinda made me realize that I've been letting my anger get to me, and it distracted me from what's really important.
"The thing is, I really don't hate Kenna. I hate that she had to come at a time like this, but I don't blame her at all for what happened to Alfred. I know that it's not her fault, but I can't help but feel, well, confused. I honestly don't know what to do, Doctor."
Melanie nodded, jotting down stuff in her notes as she listened. For a moment, she looked back at Matt, who had started crying, dabbing at his eyes with some of the tissues and clearly hating that he had to dredge up these horrible memories and relive the pain all over again.
"So, you're here because you're grieving, and you can't find a way to balance between your new responsibilities."
"Pretty much," Matt replied. "But the worst part is being reminded of it all the time."
"Being reminded of what exactly?"
Matt answered simply, "The Incident in general," before he added in a more bitter tone, "And I have to see them at every world meeting, or conference or tour I have to go on. And even worse is that I can't do anything to avenge Alfred. I hate that I have to continue pretending like nothing's wrong in front of everyone."
Melanie noticed that Matt's fists shook at his sides, the slight changes in his facial expression going from sadness to pure rage. She immediately had to defuse him; she needed him to be of a reasonably clear mind so she could help him.
Melanie declared, "You're angry. I understand that completely. Frankly, you have every good reason to be, and anger is a natural part of grief. Everyone goes through grief in their own different ways. But you have a lot of pain and betrayal to go along with it, am I correct?"
"Yeah," Matt said in a slightly more even, but still very sad and angered tone. "Especially Arthur and Francis. I mean, they were my big brother figures, and they raised me and Alfred. And to have them stab us both in the backs like that... it's just..."
The pain really was indescribable, and Dr. Gilmore could easily tell and understand why.
"You now have absolutely no trust in them anymore. Decades, if not centuries of built up trust all destroyed in a matter of a day, huh?"
Matt sadly nodded. "I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I could go back in time and stop them from even thinking about... raping Alfred. But if I did that, I wouldn't have Kenna with me now. I'm not totally sure what I want. And the worst part is, I can feel it, eating away at me."
"What's eating you?"
"I just wish there was something I could have done. I really tried, you know? I tried to help Alfred, take care of him after he was attacked. For six months, I did everything and I really did my absolute best I could. But clearly, it wasn't good enough."
Melanie sighed and took her glasses off to clean one of the lenses. She knew she couldn't say it during their first appointment, plus right now, the pain was still too fresh in Matt's mind right now to even consider it an option. She wasn't going to lose a patient by saying something stupid.
"Frankly I don't blame you at all, Matt. It's hard losing a family member to suicide, and knowing that it was directly caused by other people who pushed them to the brink of that. And that's not even getting to the fact that you have to see them and pretend like nothing's wrong. But in all honestly Matt, you shouldn't blame yourself."
Matt looked at her like she was crazy for saying that, but he held his tongue. She was a licensed professional and he was shelling out a lot of money for her to do her job. He just asked, "What should I not blame myself for? Not preventing the rape, or not being able to help Alfred recover?"
"Neither," she replied with a smile. "It's easy to blame yourself for a tragedy like this; believe me, I've seen plenty of other people in similar positions as you do the same exact same thing. But Alfred's suicide, and the circumstances that led up to it, are not your fault. It's their fault. And your handling of Kenna is truly admirable. You really do love that girl and she's blessed to have you in her life. You, Matt Williams, are better than you give yourself credit for."
She had a point, Matt had to admit that much. Perhaps she was correct.
Dr. Gilmore glanced at the clock and noted, "Well, our time's up. Do you want to continue on with another session next week?"
"Yes, definitely," Matt replied, smiling. "Thanks, Dr. Gilmore. I know this is only the first session, but you really did help me out today. I look forward to our next appointment."
"It's why I'm here, Matt," she said, shaking Matt's hand before he grabbed his jacket and keys and left the room.
Once he was out, Dr. Gilmore sighed with relief. This was a special call, and one she was all too willing to do. Knowing of the Nations was already a huge secret that Melanie had to be very careful to hide. Knowing of these dirty laundry baskets that they had was even more of a challenge. And even though Melanie was certainly not going to go to a trashy tabloid with this story (she wouldn't be trusted here otherwise), she definitely needed something to lighten her up. A glass of wine at home was waiting for her.
As she drove back to her house, Melanie reflected on some things. It was hardly professional of her to get emotionally involved with her patients, and Matt's situation certainly wasn't unique (give or take a few specifics), but she really had nothing but pity and worry in her heart for him. Dr. Gilmore couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed too.
But Matt needed her. And she would help him.
Matt had to admit, it was very nice to just take a break from everything for a day and relax. He sat at the front porch, enjoying a nice glass of iced coffee as he waited for Kenna to return home from school. He felt bad that he had to let her be a latchkey kid at first, but now, with his new schedule, he'd be able to greet her when she came back from school and even work from home with the office space he had just set up for himself.
He could hear Kenna's school bus was pulling up on the street nearby. He smiled as he waited for her. The look of happiness on her face when she saw Matt really had followed through on his promise to be home when she came back from school really made life worth living right now.
"Matt!" she squealed happily, running across the yard to tackle Matt in an enthusiastic hug. "You're home!"
"Yeah, I am," Matt replied, smiling back. He set her down and took her hand as they went inside their house. "How was school, Sweetie Belle?"
Kenna set her backpack down before running to the kitchen to get some snacks. She said, "Everything's going great! I got an A+ on my math and English tests, and Mary Beth's having a sleepover soon and invited me!"
"Ah, you're making lots of friends then?"
"Mmm," Kenna nodded as she chewed on a banana slathered in peanut butter. "So I guess you know what I'm about to ask, right?"
Matt sighed. He wasn't completely sure if he wanted to let Kenna out of his sight now. But then again, it was a sleepover with preteen girls, their parents would most likely be home for supervision, and the worst they were probably going to do would be gluing fake nails on their fingertips and crimping their hair.
He simply said, "You can go to her sleepover. But I would expect you to call me periodically and let me know its safe."
Kenna was not really shocked at Matt's response. But the fact that he was letting her go to Mary Beth's sleepover got her excited. "Alright! Thanks Matt! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she happily squaled as she gave him a big hug before adding, "And I promise that I'll put those self-defense courses to good use too!"
Matt smiled and replied, "You're welcome honey. Do you have homework today?"
"Of course I do! I'll do it soon."
"Alright, Kenna. I won't pester you; I'll be doing some work from here."
She nodded with understanding, and ran up to her room to get started on her work. Matt smiled as he went over to his home office. It was a nice space to have here; aside from the nice desk, chair and advanced desktop computer set up here, he also was close enough to help Kenna anytime she needed it without any inconveniences. Matt worked peacefully for a couple hours looking over spreadsheets, bills and important diplomatic documents. Once Matt finished replying to the latest email he received (a letter from Eduard concerning new trade agreements), he leaned back in his chair and sighed. He needed a little treat to relax, a somewhat better alternative to a familiar habit.
Matt opened a drawer, taking out a long object. The main body was a long dark red cylinder and it was attached to a smaller glass cylinder filled with a clear liquid, and there was a metallic mouthpiece at the end. Matt pressed a small button, sucked on it for a moment and blew out a thick cloud of odorless vapor. He did this for a few minutes and relaxed.
Although Kenna didn't really object to Matt's smoking, he didn't really want her picking up too many bad habits. Of course, they were nations, so they wouldn't get cancer and things like that. Nonetheless, it still wasn't really something to indulge in; the sheer cost of a single pack of menthols should be reason enough.
Still, the electronic cigarette gave Matt his nicotine fix without that heavy feeling of tar building up in his lungs or disgusting smell. The liquid nicotine was flavored like mint and raspberries, leaving a cooling sensation and slightly sweet taste in his throat.
He stared outside, and soon, his mind drifted, thinking of memories of the past...
"Al, face it. We are lost," Matt bemoaned as the North American brothers looked around at their surroundings. Why did he let Alfred talk him into this?
"We aren't lost! We're just covering more ground by taking the long way," Alfred argued back.
They were deep in the forest somewhere along the Canadian/Washington state border. The green canopy was thick and the air was cool. And even though Matt liked to camp, this wasn't his idea of a wilderness retreat.
"Come on, bro! We can't give up! Not when we can actually find Bigfoot ourselves!"
Matt gritted his teeth. The whole idiotic reason Alfred dragged him out here was so they could try to find Bigfoot. It didn't seem to matter that no one found conclusive evidence, much less a body. But that wouldn't deter Alfred.
Finally Matt broke down and said, "Alfred, for crying out loud, it's dark and wet out, and I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to set up camp and dry ourselves off before we get hypothermia!"
Alfred looked shot down as Matt said that, but he nevertheless sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess you're right. There's a clear spot over there. It looks pretty well covered up. We'll set up there."
"Finally," Matt grumbled. He almost wanted to leave the tent set up all to Alfred, but his desire to at least have some protection from the damp chill outweighed his frustration with his brother. Once they were inside, Alfred seemed to be a bit distant.
Matt initially paid this no mind, just glad to be out of his soaked clothes.
"Look, Matt, if you hate me because I made you come along on this trip with me and got us lost, just know that I am sorry. I know you aren't having much fun, but I promise, I'll make it up to you," Alfred blurted out.
"Whatever," Matt replied back in a flat tone. "Don't worry about it. Don't go through the trouble."
Matt then realized what he had just told Alfred.
"Don't worry about it? What do you mean? Matt, look, we're brothers! I know we don't always get along, but that doesn't mean that I don't -"
Matt firmly interrupted him, "Don't always get along? More like the biggest understatement in history! And spare me the sappy crap, Al. You've never been good with that stuff."
Alfred simply said, "I was just trying to say that I was sorry for getting us lost out here. Are you really that much of an ass to reject an honest apology?"
Matt groaned and just bundled himself up in his sleeping bag. He gave another eye roll at Alfred as he said, "Okay fine, I forgive you. Now let me sleep."
The rest of the trip did later turn out to be fun though. Matt still did cherish the moment when they got to help out a park ranger punish some pranksters dressing themselves up as Bigfoot who harassed hikers and campers. That was a day full of laughs.
It was a very bittersweet feeling, going through an old memory. Matt couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret. Right now, that old saying was ringing pretty true.
"You never realize what you have until it's gone."
Matt and Alfred were as different as night and day, and their relationship was far from perfect. Matt even had been willing to admit he did often resent his boisterous and dense loudmouth of a sibling, and even once considered his proudest moment being that day he knocked Alfred down several pegs with that long winded rant against him.
But now, Matt couldn't look back on that anymore without feeling a lot of remorse. Sure, Alfred wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he always meant well. He was, at his core, a genuinely good natured and friendly guy who did care about many people besides just himself, including (if not especially) Matt.
Matt especially regretted the fact that, for all his put-downs of Alfred as a sibling, he really hadn't been much better at trying to bridge that gap between them. He hated that he would never be able to hug his brother ever again, never get to apologize for not realizing before just how much Alfred meant to him. Never get to tell Alfred just how much he really did love and admire him.
And as tragedy would dictate, Matt didn't even learn of his own mistake until Alfred died. But Melanie was right as well - he shouldn't have to blame himself for Alfred's death. Not anymore. It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow, but Matt had to admit, he was sick of beating himself up. And Alfred wouldn't have wanted him to do that to himself.
Suddenly, a voice, a very wonderful sound, lit up Matt's mood as soon as he heard it.
"Hey Matt, I'm all done with my homework! Think we can do something fun tonight?" Kenna asked from the other side of the door.
Matt replied quickly, "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, Kens! How does dinner and the arcade sound to you?"
"Sounds great to me! I'll get ready!"
Matt took a couple more puffs out of his e-cigarette as he went to his own room to get ready. He had finished his work for the day, and could now spend some well-earned quality time with Kenna.
Matt still felt guilty sometimes with her too. When he first saw her, he couldn't help but see in her what Arthur did on that day. Kenna was his own second chance; he could be the good brother he regretted never being for Alfred to Kenna instead. Taking her in to fulfill Alfred's last request was another motivation; Matt would be lying to himself if he said Alfred's final letter didn't play a role in that decision. Kenna was his atonement, his salvation.
But it was more than that.
Matt really did love Kenna. She was a smart, witty, funny, and strong girl bravely facing each new day. She had to come into a world faced with uncertainty, one that he wasn't sure how to prepare her for. She was a tough and resourceful kid though, and Matt couldn't help but be proud of her.
He couldn't fail her. It was more than just doing the right thing. It was more than just a promise he made.
He loved that girl with all his heart, and he would not take her for granted like he did with Alfred. He got up from his chair and grabbed his coat and keys, ready for a fun night out with Kenna.
For the first time in quite a while, Matt felt a lightness in him. He made some changes and they really did work out for the best so far. He could be close with Kenna and really be there for her, his counselor was there to listen to him when he needed her, and he did have a good support system behind him.
Life wasn't necessarily good, but it did feel like it was starting to get better.
And he had these angels in his life to thank for that.
And here it is! Hope you guys loved it!
So for quick post-chapter commentary, I just want to thank BlackRookie again for her help, especially on how to create the therapist character, and the suggestion for some reflections on Matt's part. I got the idea for Al and Matt's Bigfoot hunting trip from one comedy fanfic I haven't been able to find since then. And indeed, it is true - we don't always appreciate what we have until we lose it (or come close to). It is another point of Matt's grief I wanted to explore, and how he ultimately begins to crawl out of the hole.
Next chapter info: An exploration of the third stage of grief, bargaining. Ivan and Gilbert will be the main focuses of this one.