Disclaimer: there's no creative way to say I don't own it anymore. just sad ways. :(

A/N: lol. okay. so I decided to stay and update rather than go play with my baby cousins. thanks to everyone who reviewed. it means a lot and I probably wouldn't be typing this up right now if you hadn't oh so kindly demanded it from me. :) love you all lots!

Chapter 4: Untitled (because I can't think of a good enough name right now.)

The arms that were wrapped around me gently laid me on a comfy bed with well worn sheets. I curled into a ball and buried my head into the pillow, taking some strange comfort in the familiar smell of the boy I hated.

I had finally stopped crying and was just mulling over my panic attack when I felt the other side of the bed dip under the weight of another body. He pulled the covers up over us and encircled me in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on my side and mumbling soothing words against my forehead. I realized that I must have been in an even more pathetic state than I thought because I didn't try to escape. I gave into my butterflies. Or maybe it was the aftershocks of what had happened earlier. I couldn't tell. These feelings kept coming up. They had been since fifth year but I always thought they were feelings of disgust or hatred. After tonight, I wasn't so sure.

While looking down into James' eyes, it hit me harder than ever. I couldn't remember why I hated him. It was like the world had frozen and there was nothing else. Which is so stupid because first: I obviously don't fancy him, second: all he did was call my scream cute (which is sort of rude) and then fixed my hair, and third: He was James bloody Potter! My favorite enemy since we were eleven and he told the school that he had caught me picking my nose (which was so not true!) I couldn't possibly have felt those feelings for him. No. I was just too close and the nausea was worse than ever. That's all it was.

"Then why are you still laying in his bed?" my subconscious taunted me. Good question, mind. And then the answer hit me. I was still scared! Scared of the storm, scared of having another panic attack, scared of projectile vomiting all over again, scared of being left alone, and definitely scared of what my body and heart would feel once I left. What happened if I ended up missing his arms? And that was what terrified me most. The art of falling in love with James Potter.

I started crying all over again, and he continued to comfort me. And the worst part? It felt better than any dream I had had about Adam or Michael. I wrapped my own arms around him and asked Merlin to make him believe it was because of the storm that seemed to be getting louder.

My brain never registered how long we stayed there (which seemed to be happening a lot lately) but it couldn't have been too long because when I poked my head out of the crook of his chest, the room was still blanketed in a rich darkness.

I took some more deep breaths and braced myself for his absence. Slowly I started wiggling out of his arms, pushing against him, hoping he would let go. But he didn't. And I creepily felt glad. Well that had to stop.

"Eww. Potter, get off of me!" I squirmed successfully out of his embrace and schooched to the very edge of the bed. I tried to glare at him in the darkness but I couldn't tell how well it would come across if he couldn't see my face. "Don't touch me, okay? I am perfectly capable of handling myself," I exclaimed indignantly.

He must have seen my glare because I saw his obvious bewilderment. His mouth gaped open like a guppy, trying to form coherent words. Finally he started speaking. "What are you talking about?" he cried in a whisper.

"I think you know. It's sick to try and take advantage of people in their weakened state you know," I hissed.

Again, his mouth gaped. "I can't believe you," he said in a disgusted tone. "You have a full blown panic attack for no apparent reason and I comfort you because you needed it and now I'm sick for trying to 'take advantage of you'? I was trying to be nice! That's what most people want when they're upset! Is for someone to be nice to them! But you just like to toy with people I guess. First Connor, who helped you out when you thought your family had been attacked. You dumped him on his ass the minute you found out they were alright. And then there was Drew who stayed up with you every night for a month when Megan died. And then fifth year, right after Snape, you used me-"

I slapped him across the face. We didn't talk about that. We never agreed on it in so many words but not once had it come up in our history. "We don't talk about that," I sneered through gritted teeth.

"Well we're going to have to talk about it at some point," he bit back stubbornly. "You can't keep using people like this and I especially won't let you use me like that anymore. I can't handle it," he whispered in a defeated voice. He had sat up and was playing with his blanket in his lap, his eyes downcast.

I looked at him hopelessly, though he never noticed. This could not be happening right now. I was supposed to be talking and laughing and altogether keeping my mind off the storm, not talking about awful repressed memories.

"I just...I need to know why," he asked in that same helpless voice. He turned his piercing eyes on me and looked at me with such raw emotion that it took me a few moments to gather my thoughts.

"I don't know," I answered, hoping he wouldn't see through my lie.

"That's not the truth and you know it, Lily," he said.

"How would you know, James? Are you me? Because I really don't think you are," I snapped.

"No. I'm not. But I know what it feels like to have a deep seeded reason as to why you do certain things. Like...picking on everyone at school, or acting like you're better than everyone, or even why you stay up in the middle of the night during a storm," he said lightly, chuckling a little and obviously trying to ease the tension and get me to open up.

But I couldn't. Not to him...not to anyone...ever. "Yeah? Well sometimes people act that way just because that's how they act. There isn't a secret meaning behind everyone's actions," I replied bitterly.

"Fine. Whatever. Believe what you want but do it alone. Because for the second time tonight, I can't stand to look at you." He got up and crossed the room to the door, pulling it open and facing away from me, making good on his word to not look at me.

I gaped, open mouthed at the floor, not believing what was happening. Tears filled my eyes and I slowly got up. Keeping my eyes to the floor I walked through the door. As soon as I left, the door closed behind me and I heard him thump against it and slide down. And if I weren't mistaken, it sounded like he was silently sobbing. This is what broke me. If there weren't sleeping people in the house I would have banged on the door, begging him to let me in. But I settled for sitting on the other side as tears streamed down my face, whispering, "I'm sorry," over and over again.

And it might have been my aching mind but I thought he said, "Me too."

After quite a while I stood up and quietly knocked on the door. He didn't answer so I turned and started walking back towards my room, not caring about the storm anymore, with fresh tears cascading from my eyes like waterfalls. I was just about to open my door when I heard one farther down the hallway open and footsteps rapidly walk toward me.

I looked up, not daring to believe it. Which was good. It was just Sirius heading towards the bathroom. And somehow, I cried even harder.

I turned the knob and walked in. It was exactly as it had been earlier except the children that had been running around the walls now seemed to be sleeping in the farmhouse in the distance. I sighed and turned to close the door when I saw James standing in the way.

He had an intense look in his red, puffy eyes that scared me. We just looked at each other and then he was crashing into me, closing the door behind him.

We fell to the floor as his lips hovered over mine and then he took a sharp breath and smothered me. It wasn't like the gentle kisses he had given me on that night so long ago. No. This one was intense and breathtaking. I had never been kissed like this. It felt like he was literally trying to break me. Everything he felt flew from his mouth on one breath and into me on another. I responded instantly and wrapped my arms around his neck to bring him closer. My body melded to his and soon I couldn't tell who was who we were pushing into each other so hard. I became lightheaded and tried to push him away but he must have had the most amazing lung capacity because he just pushed his lips harder against mine, shoving my mouth open and his tongue inside. Our emotions arched like lightning through our bodies, giving me a new spark. Slowly I realized that the kiss started to taste like salt and finally felt his tears hit my cheeks, mixing and mingling with the ones that were surprisingly running out of my own eyes.

I successfully pushed him away this time and sat up, my hands covering my face so he couldn't see my cry again. He gave an exasperated sigh and scooched over to wrap his arms around me. I tried to pull away but he wasn't having any of that. He buried his face in my hair and tried to quiet me down while trailing his fingers up and down my arm, causing it break out in goose bumps.

Finally, my tears stopped and I could look up at him. My face felt raw and swollen but he looked at me as if he couldn't believe he was near someone so pretty (not to be conceited...that's just how he looked). He pulled me up and started leading me to the door by the hand. I didn't protest. We walked down the hall quietly and I was glad that Sirius seemed to have gone back to bed.

When we got to his room he let go of my hand and motioned for me to sit on his bed, turning on the light. He closed the door and locked it, turning to face me.

I looked at him guiltily. I felt bad for stringing him along. He knew it couldn't work between us but I wasn't helping by snogging him like that. "What was that for?" I asked quietly.

"I wanted one last kiss before I completely ruined us by forcing you to talk. Because you need to, Lily. And truthfully, I think it would benefit both of us," he explained, nervously running a hand repeatedly through his hair.

"Forget it, James. I'm not talking about it," I said, stubbornly.

"Yes, you are. If you don't talk to me than I'll tell everyone about fifth year," he bribed.

I gasped. "You wouldn't! You can't! I won't let you," I told him defiantly.

"Oh, I can and I will," he glared at me. "So start talking before I go and wake up Sirius."

"James, why do you want to know so bad?"

"Because you owe it to me. I'm not going to comfort you if you don't give me anything. And because I know that everyone needs to talk about something."

"I can't believe you're making me do this." I glared at him steadily for a few minutes, wondering which one of us would break first. He just stared right back, unyielding. It looked like it was going to be me. I sighed heavily and said, "Fine. I'll tell you what's wrong with me, because apparently something is."

"I never said that," he pointed out.

"Shutup. If you want me to tell you you're not allowed to talk," I said. He snapped his mouth closed and sat on the floor in front of me. I took a deep breath and began.

A/N: So...in my journal (which is where I originally write everything) I didn't stop at this point. But I feel that I need to. :) so you're getting this and I'll update the rest tomorrow. Plus my neck hurts. and my sister just got home which means I have to relinquish the computer. Sorry if this chapter seems a little choppy, by the way. I had it written it out and then I changed some things when I continued writing it but I hadn't revised this part to fit it until just now. :p hope you all like it! Reviews are welcome. actually...they're needed. no pressure or anything. I'll just take away all the cookies I baked for you though.

marah:)