Chapter 20: Broken Walls.
The green canopy of trees hung over me, shielding my tiny frame from the light drizzle that had started falling. My heart pounded in my chest and I trembled as I stood in the face of my past. Feeling small and insignificant in its presence, I glared up at the massive home, which held so many memories.
I peeked over my shoulder and saw Eric, leaning against his car, still looking worried. It had been his idea to come up here, and, like the masochist I was, I had agreed. Some part of me believed him when he said this would help me move on. Maybe he was right, but it all came down to the question: did I want to move on?
With a hesitant sigh, I took a step forward, bringing me closer to my past than I had been in the past two months. Each step I took filled me with excitement and dread; what was I going to find? Would I see anything that I didn't wish to see? The questions were endless, while the number of steps it would take to carry me into the Cullens' home were limited.
I climbed the stairs, feeling my body weigh down with all the memories that were resurfacing, and before long, I was facing the ornate wooden door that led to the inside of my previous world. With one more look back at Eric, I sighed, and touched the doorknob. I was deeply surprised to find that it was open; I didn't think the Cullens would leave their possessions so unguarded while they were away. Then again, if any criminals did try to break in, Alice would see them. My brow knit heavily as I thought of the smallest Cullen; was she watching Eric and I right now?
Probably not. If she had been watching, then she must not be interested. I pushed the door open and immediately grasped the threshold paneling. My heart thudded so hard I could hear it in my ears, and my breath quickened exponentially. My eyes raked over everything that I saw, afraid that the tiniest detail would vanish with time.
Everything was just like I remember it.
The front room, where Edward and I had celebrated my birthday with the others, was just like it was a few months ago. The furniture was covered with delicate white sheets, to prevent dust, and the walls were bare. The normal family pictures and heirlooms were nowhere to be seen, probably locked away in storage somewhere.
My eyes watered up as I moved through the room, and, in the corner, I spotted a strange silhouette under a black cloth. I ripped the covering away, anxious to see what I hoped was not there, and stumbled backwards, chest heaving. Underneath the tarp was a brand new piano, just like the one Jasper had crushed after Edward kept him from attacking me.
Like the piano, I was replaceable.
My face fell a little and I moved away from the giant musical instrument, not wanting to dwell on my inadequacies any further. I found myself traveling upstairs, letting my hands trail over the walls that used to be covered with portraits. The three story house had so many areas that I had yet to truly explore, and, as painful as it was going to be, I planned to do just that.
The first door I came to was one I had only been in a handful of times; Carlisle and Esme's room. I opened the door and smiled, feeling a little closer to them as I moved through the space. The walls were a dark tinted, perhaps cherry wood or mahogany, and were littered with books. Every wall seemed to be a bookshelf of some kind. In the far corner, I noticed a small chess board, which I had seen downstairs on previous occasions.
Unlike Edward's room, Carlisle and Esme's had a bed, and I flushed a little as I wondered what it could be for. I turned my eyes away, suddenly embarrassed, and moved slowly towards their closet, wondering what I would find there.
My brow deepened as I opened the door and found their closet fully stocked. The walk-in area was vast, miniscule when compared to Alice's, and completely jam packed with clothing. My chest heaved and I plunged my face into their belongings, inhaling deeply. Their scent still clung to everything, and I basked in the sweet aroma. It was like they were here with me, right now.
"Oh, god," I sobbed and gripped the clothing, letting my tears fall onto the fabric. "I miss you all, so much."
I stayed there for a few extra minutes, allowing myself to fantasize that they were truly here, before straightening up the clothes and shutting the door. As I distanced myself from Carlisle and Esme's room, I felt a little bit more whole. I couldn't rightly explain it, nor did I care to, all I knew was that I felt a little less empty.
Drying my tears with my sleeve, I moved to the next room on the second floor, one that I had never been in before; Rosalie and Emmett's room. Despite the fact that I knew no one was here except for me, I still looked down the hall cautiously. Entering Rosalie's room made me feel ashamed, since I was doing it behind her back. Rosalie had never shown me anything but hostility and an unwelcoming attitude. Despite all my attempts, she had refused to display any form of decency towards me; so, by the end of the summer, I had stopped trying all together.
Emmett was a different story all together; he welcomed me with two immense open arms. He had even stood up for me when Rosalie had verbally attacked me. He truly was the big brother I never had. I pushed the door open and had to take a step back; the room was so big and so beautiful. Like Edward, Rosalie and Emmett did not have a bed, but they made up for it with the amount of fainting sofas and love seats.
Each and every piece of furniture was adorned with bright crimson and black upholstery. A light smile tugged at my lips as I mentally noted that the room looked like Belle Whatley's from Gone with the Wind. I stood in the doorway, not daring to move further inside. Despite the fact that the front door was open, an unspoken invitation, I just couldn't bring myself to go deeper into Rosalie and Emmett's room. So, with a light sigh, I pulled the door shut.
The last remaining doors were places I'd been before; Carlisle's study and the Cullens' enormous library. During the final months of school, Edward and Alice had tutored me and helped me get all A's in my classes. I had also gotten the chance to pick Carlisle's brain on more than one occasion in his study.
As I headed up the staircase, I felt a little bit more of myself lighten. The heavy memories didn't seem so enormous now; they felt like wisps of air, frolicking through my brain. A small, subdued smile spread across my face as I found myself on the third floor. Once there, the smile vanished, because I knew what was awaiting me at the end of the hall: Edward's room.
I positioned myself in front of a door that I had become quite familiar with in the summertime—Alice's room. She had insisted that I spend as much time as possible with her, when I wasn't with Edward anyway. With a deep breath, I pushed open the door and, once again, grasped the side of the threshold.
Alice's bedroom was a soft pink color, filled with different knick knacks. As I moved deeper into the room, I inhaled deeply and smiled as Alice's fragrant smell filtered into my nostrils. Every one of the Cullens had their own odor that was intoxicating and pleasant; Alice's reminded me of spring rain and sunshine.
Alice's bedroom was huge, much larger than any of the other rooms— including Rosalie's. Edward had told me once that the Cullens had knocked down a wall to give her and Jasper more room. I craned my neck around a corner and spied Jasper's study, complete with a desk and multiple bookshelves.
Turning back towards Alice's part of the space, I noticed that the closet door was partially opened. With a deep breath, I opened the massive closet and smiled softly. Like Carlisle and Esme's bedroom, Alice and Jasper's closet was packed tightly with clothing, and, just like before, I thrust my head into the fabric and inhaled deeply. Hundreds of memories came rushing back to me as the glorious scent washed through me. I could almost see Alice painting my toe nails, and could barely hear her speaking softly to me as she helped me into the shower while my leg had been broken.
I sighed and wiped a stray tear from my cheek, and backed up slowly. With a gentle smile, I shut the closet, and internally shut another door. Once I was in the hallway, my appendages temporarily froze as I realized what was waiting for me at the end of the hallway; Edward's room. My gut told me that this was going to be the hardest yet, but I knew that I had to do it—I had to walk through the doorway and into the room that belonged to the love of my life.
Each footstep seemed to carry me further away, because every time I looked up, the door appeared farther away. However, after a solid minute of carefully thought out steps, I looked up and found a wooden door staring directly into me.
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, and counted to ten, which didn't help the anxiety that was pulsing through my veins now. After two more minutes, I grasped the doorknob, and, after closing my eyes, I opened the door.
I wasn't sure how long I stood there, eyes shut, but I finally gained enough courage to raise my eyelids.
My bottom lip quivered and my legs buckled, sending my body hurdling towards the carpet. Once on the ground, the ache in my stomach ripped through me, setting my insides ablaze. I gasped as the pain, which I hadn't felt in so long, racked my body and debilitated me.
Edward's room was exactly how it was the last time I was here. I lifted my head, needing to see if what I saw was true, and sobbed as my second look confirmed the first. Edward's music-filled walls were still littered with CDs, his leather sofa was still placed in the room, and his desk was still covered with books and journals.
He just picked up and left everything.
I hobbled forward, still in agonizing pain over this, and found myself at his desk. My eyes poured over the schoolwork, the journals, and finally rested on a picture frame turned around. My eyes narrowed as I grabbed it and looked at the picture it held. My hands released the tiny frame like a hot coal had burned by palm. It was a portrait of me.
I had never seen this one before. I was laying on my bed, my head buried in Wuthering Heights, in my pajamas. A soft smile was spread across my face and I looked completely enveloped in what I was reading. Where did this come from?
As I leaned over to pick it up, I found a crumpled letter, and, despite my opposition to snooping, I uncurled.
My name is Edward Cullen, and I've just lied to the only woman I will ever love—Isabella Marie Swan…
My entire body convulsed and I crumpled up the paper before reading anymore and threw it across the room. "Oh Edward," I cried and once again fell to the floor. "How could you do this to me?"
My sobs were deafening me now, reverberating off the walls, and echoing down the hallway. All of a sudden a loud crash from just outside distracted me from my grief temporarily enough to remember the person who had brought me here. I felt mortified when I realized that Eric could probably hear my breakdown from outside. He must think I'm an absolute nutcase! But what on Earth was that noise?
The thought of Eric somehow gave me enough strength to raise and lug my aching body to the window. Once there, I glanced down, anticipating seeing an empty driveway, but was shocked at what I saw. Eric was standing far from his car, hands gripped into his hair, and beside him was an uprooted tree. My mouth fell open as he turned his face towards the sky, allowing the drizzling rain to hit his face, and I saw his expression. I had seen him happy, serious, and slightly disturbed, but I had never seen him like this; Eric looked tortured.
What's wrong with him?
I instinctively wanted to run to him, to find out what was hurting him and do what I could to stop it. Why did I feel like this? My teeth ground together as I tried to figure out this conundrum. My every being ached to comfort him, but my rational side denied these feelings; I was completely torn in two. As I stared down at him, Eric leaned against another tree and let his head fall to his hands, his chest heaving.
"Eric," I called out, though curious, unable to observe his strange suffering any longer. His head snapped up and his eyes immediately found me staring at him from the third floor. My chest was rising and falling rapidly and, before I could change my mind, I waved for him to come. "Come here."
Eric's form blurred and, before I could blink, he was beside me. I jumped a little and he stopped a few feet away from me, a strange expression on his face.
"Bella," he said my name like he was out of breath, although I knew that wasn't the case. "Is everything all right?"
"I was about to ask you the same question," I said anxiously as his eyes poured over me frantically.
"I heard you," he said and lowered his head, appearing ashamed. "I'm sorry, I tried to give you privacy, but I was so worried when I heard you crying. I think I've made a terrible mistake bringing you here."
I smiled softly and took his chilly hands in mine. "I'm fine."
"You've been crying." It was an observation, not a question.
"Yes," I agreed and cringed, realizing that I must look horrible, but refocused as his golden eyes burned into me. The look on his face told me he probably didn't believe me, especially with all the crying her heard. "It was…overwhelming, but you were right. I think it did help—a little."
He nodded quickly and lowered his eyes again.
My heart began to pound as I stared at him, not sure what to say. Eric had gone out of his way to help me with no hidden agenda. His kindness had known no limit. Even when I had called him Edward while kissing him, he was quick to forgive and forget that. Why couldn't I allow myself to be with him fully?
My name is Edward Cullen, and I've just lied to the only woman I will ever love…
My thoughts immediately went back to Edward and the note I had found. I turned slightly over my shoulder and gazed at the crumpled up piece of paper on the floor. My heartbeat quickened as I wondered what else that single piece of paper could contain. Moreover, why did it say that he loved me—in Edward's handwriting?
What harm would there be in simply reading the remainder?
With a deep breath, I turned away from Eric and picked up the paper, which had fallen close to the wall of windows. I held it in my hands, turning the crumpled ball over and over again, before deciding to unravel it. Once I did, I held it face down, feeling like I was intruding on Edward's personal thoughts. With a small hope I turned over the page and began reading.
My name is Edward Cullen, and I've just lied to the only woman I will ever love—Isabella Marie Swan. I promised that I would not submit her to anything torturous on her birthday, but I was wrong. How could I have been so irresponsible? This entire catastrophe was my fault; Bella just hasn't seen it yet. This is going to be…
The words trailed off, as Edward appeared to have stopped writing. I shook my head and couldn't help the soft smile that spread across my face, remembering how he always blamed himself for everything. As I turned back towards Eric, I caught a small glimpse of the massive forest surrounding the house, and was immediately plunged into one of my darkest memories.
My kind are easily distracted…
I clenched my hands into fists as Edward's parting words ricocheted through my mind. Eric stared at me curiously, and, as I gazed back at him, I had an epiphany. I was afraid of being Eric's distraction, just like I had been Edward's. It was so simple and yet it had taken me time to really grasp the truth. As I continued to look at Eric, I knew that I had to talk to him about it, if I ever wanted to move on. My heartbeat picked up again, thumping loudly, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had enough courage to do it.
You just walked into Edward's room—I'm pretty sure you have enough courage.
"E-Eric" I stuttered and he cocked his head sideways. "I need to talk to you about something…something important."
"You have my undivided attention, Bella," he said and narrowed his eyes curiously. A gentle smile tugged at the end of his frown, which caused a bit of happiness to blossom in my heart.
As I tried to find the words to explain my worries that he would love me and leave me, as Edward had, my eyes continuously caught sight of different objects that held happy memories for me. The agonizing pain my chest was not as bad, but still there.
"Um, could we go outside first? I can't be in here anymore."
He nodded and, after descending the staircase and giving the house one last look, we took a seat on the porch. "What's on your mind?" Eric asked, his mood seeming a little lighter now.
"Eric, I think I know how you feel about me," I started and I noticed his posture tense significantly, but I continued. "I need you to know that I want to feel the same way, but I'm afraid."
He twisted his body and leaned towards me, his eyes pleading. "Bella, please don't tell me you're afraid of me."
"No," I insisted and shook my head. "Eric, I'm not afraid of you. This is really difficult for me to say."
"Take your time," he said as he leaned back, his eyes still heavy with concern.
"Eric, do you know what Edward said to me when he left?" My voice lowered as my memories traveled backwards in time to that fateful afternoon when Edward had led me into the woods. "He told me that he didn't want me, that I was just a distraction."
I couldn't raise my eyes to see Eric's reaction, I was afraid that if I moved, the pain might return full force. "I'm afraid that if I l-let myself b-be with yyou," I choked out as the tears began to fall, "that I-I'll b-be h-hurt again."
My arms wrapped around me tightly, almost cutting off the air, as I tried to hold myself together anyway I could. As my body began to tremble, I couldn't help how weak and vulnerable I felt. Why had I put myself in this position?
Before I could answer my own question, Eric's soft voice called me from the depths of my despair. "Bella." I looked at him and found his eyes smoldering and glistening as he stared into me. His bottom lip quivered and our eyes remained locked. "I love you."
I couldn't help the sharp sob that cut through me like a knife, forcing my body forward. Eric reached out and caught me, pulling me close to his chest. The tears spilled from my eyes and dampened his shirt, and I continued to cry into him, no longer wondering if he thought I was crazy.
"If you're a distraction, Bella," he said as he pulled away to look at me, "then I'll let you distract me for all eternity."
"Y-You l-love me?"
He laughed and shook his head, staring at me like I was insane. "You silly human," he said and kissed my forehead. "I go mad at night without you."
The intensity of his gaze warmed me and my head was reeling as his words sunk in.
"The question is," he said, his voice suddenly becoming worried, "how do you feel about me?"
I gulped heavily as the moment of truth finally reached me. This is it, I either tell him how I feel or push him away. What's it going to be? Myeyes lowered as I debated with myself over the future of Eric and myrelationship; what was I going to do?
"Bella," Eric's hold on me loosened as he pulled away, filling me with a wave of dread at the separation. "I'm yours, whether you like it or not. My heart no longer belongs to me; it's in your safe keeping. The only thing I need you to tell me is who you belong to. If you don't want me, then I'll leave you be, but I need to know."
My breath quickened as I thought of all the reasons I shouldn't let myself fall for Eric. However, the only thoughts popping in my mind were memories of his smile and kind words. A smile spread across my face as I recalled the horrible date we went on, but recalled the way he looked at me.
Take a chance for once.
I closed my eyes and looked up at Eric, his face expectant and guarded. With a small smile, I wrapped my arms around him and pressed lips softly to his, relishing the chill that spread through my lips. When I pulled away, I sighed and said, "I'm yours."
Author's Note: repost