Thanks so much to anesor and Apollo Wings for your awesome reviews! I also want to thank my betas Eynla and CouslandSpitFire for all their help and Blessed Arrow for her help as well!
This is not a happy chapter – Hawke is a complicated character, as you all will soon see.
I'll try to upload a new chapter once a week – I'm sorry this hasn't been the case lately, but my health hasn't been cooperating!
My disclaimer as usual: Bioware owns everything! I just play with the characters. :D
Chapter 11
Excerpt from Anders's journal:
Bethany is now a Grey Warden. I don't know if that's good or bad. When I became one, it was mainly to escape the Circle. Knowing what I know now about the Wardens and about how we eventually end up in that hellhole of the Deep Roads – it makes me feel guilty about taking Bethany to Stroud.
Rhianna was thoroughly depressed for a few months and saw no one. Then, she received the news that Bethany was alive and hurried to The Hanged Man to tell us all. She was so happy that she actually jumped up and down while she was talking to us. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how her sister would meet her end, either. I didn't want to cause Rhianna more pain. I – dammit! I don't even know why I'm writing all this! What I do know is that I've not spoken to Rhianna in a while and it's driving me up the wall!
I miss her. I need to see her, even if it's only to go on missions with her. She's living in Hightown now. Everyone has been to see her there, except me. She's avoiding me like the plague!
This journal is the only thing that is keeping me from drooling and laughing at myself in dark corners while I babble endlessly about the color of the walls and the dirt on the floor. Hmmm…maybe I was right and having a journal does do a lot for my mental sanity!
He shut the journal with a sigh and lay back down on his cot, staring up at the ceiling. He had successfully managed to throw a quill up there during one of his moments of intense boredom, and it had embedded itself in one of the beams. Whenever he focused on the quill, it would keep his thoughts away from Rhianna Hawke and her charms. This was good, because whenever he thought about her, he would end up with a painful erection nine times out of ten, and the only thing he could do then was masturbate. It wasn't that he was against pleasuring himself at all – it was the fact that lately he just ended up feeling more frustrated than before.
He needed the real thing.
Sighing, he turned and closed his eyes as he felt sleep overcome him. Then, there was a loud knocking on his door that made him scramble out of bed quickly, wondering briefly why he wasn't up there with the quill since the pounding had scared him shitless.
He barely managed to jump into his trousers and made his way to one of the doors in a mad rush, flinging it open with an annoyed expression on his face.
"It's about time you opened the door, Blondie!" Varric grinned. "We – ah, need your services at The Hanged Man."
Anders blinked back at him, the pounding in his heart gradually returning to normal. He gestured at Varric to come inside, the relief of knowing that nobody had died washing over him.
"Don't tell me – Fenris got drunk again and started something?" Anders replied as he walked back to the back room to put on his robes – Varric following him.
"Um, no, not really. It's um…Hawke, this time. When I left them to come here looking for you, Fenris was drunk, though. And Rivaini was laughing her head off, so I guess you could say she was drunk too, but I'm not a hundred percent sure of that."
"You were all at The Hanged Man getting drunk and didn't invite me?" Anders remarked, the disapproval in his voice evident. "Do I smell or something?"
Anders looked at himself using the small mirror he had on one of the walls and took out his dagger to give himself a quick shave.
"You're a rotten card player, so we try hard to avoid telling you," Varric chuckled. "Do you have to shave right now? Things were really convoluted when I left."
"I've learned to do this very quickly," Anders replied, drawing some water from one of the barrels to work some soap into lather.
Varric shook his head. "I really think you should come with me right now, Blondie. Before it gets ugly…"
He turned to look at Varric, one of his hands still holding the dipper and dripping water over the floor and himself in the process.
"Things are that bad, huh?" Taking a quick look at himself in the small mirror, he saw that the stubble on his chin wasn't as horrible as he thought and shrugged.
"Well…not that bad…yet…" was Varric's reply.
"All right…just let me throw some potions into my pack and we'll be off."
…
When Varric and Anders walked into The Hanged Man, the cheers and cries coming from the patrons was deafening and the noise they made was so loud that you couldn't even hear the person who played the lute in the evenings. His eyes soon found the reason for their applauses and caterwauling.
Rhianna Hawke was on top of one of the longer tables…and she was DANCING.
His eyes quickly spotted Fenris looking up at her adoringly. Isabela stood next to him, a seductive smile on her face as she stared at Hawke. The rest of the people were all crowded around. Rhianna was taking turns dancing and kneeling in front of each man in front of her, wiggling her shoulders and bending over backwards.
Anders heard a noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh, a gasp and a scream and was surprised to discover it was coming from him. He stood rooted to the spot for a few moments and in the meantime, Rhianna had decided it was a fantastic idea to stand up and unbuckle her armor, letting it fall onto the table as she started to strip for her audience.
She had nothing under her leather jerkin but her breast band and smalls. The men went crazy. Anders hurriedly reached into the Veil and cast a spell that quickly put everyone to sleep – including Fenris and Isabela.
"Help me carry her to your suite before the spell wears off, Varric," he muttered as he hurried across the room with the dwarf following closely behind.
...
"How the heck did this happen?" Anders whispered to Varric. They had successfully managed to get her inside Varric's suite and lay her on his bed. Anders then had applied healing magic on her, so that she wouldn't wake up with a hangover.
Isabela walked into the room and winked at Anders, who groaned. He didn't want to chat to anyone – he just wanted to sit quietly beside Hawke and watch her as she slept.
"Is Hawke all right?" Isabela asked with a chuckle.
"You're laughing at this? She was going to take all her clothes off!" Anders exclaimed.
"Why would that be bad?" Isabela laughed.
"Unbelievable!" Anders muttered.
"My! Why so serious all of a sudden?" Isabela remarked in a singsong voice. "We were just having a little fun."
"Fun she says!" Anders looked up at the ceiling with a sigh, the exasperation in his voice not lost on Isabela.
"You used to have fun! Not long ago!" Isabela protested. "You used to be fun! What happened?"
"You really have to ask, Rivaini?" Varric interrupted with a grin. "Can't you see Blondie is smitten?"
"What?! No! I – "Anders backed away, shaking his head.
"Oh, that's no fun at all!" Isabela smirked. "Get yourself a drink, Sparkles. That should lighten your mood!"
"I'm not in a bad mood!" Anders continued to protest.
"Well, it isn't a good mood," Isabela retorted.
"Ack!" Anders exclaimed. "I give up! See to it that she drinks a lot of WATER, Varric, can you do that?"
Varric chuckled at him. "Yes, Ser healer mage, the best healer mage of them all…"
Anders sighed. "I see that you probably will forget this tomorrow. I'd better stay here, just in case." He turned to Isabela with a scowl. "If you're going to continue making all that noise, then do it elsewhere. She needs to rest!"
"Oooh! Sparkles is angry!" Isabela snorted. "Well, I'm leaving. I'll see if Jethann is available! Ta-ta!"
"Where am I going to sleep?" Varric asked with a frown.
"Go ahead, get some rest," Anders gestured to the bed. "It's big enough for the both of you. I'll just sit down and wait for her to wake."
Varric chuckled and lay down on the empty side of the bed.
"You just have to admit you have feelings for her, Blondie. The sooner you do, the better you'll feel," Varric commented.
"I didn't ask for your advice," Anders muttered darkly. "I'd sooner kiss an ogre than do that."
"Too bad, Blondie," Varric mumbled. He yawned and soon he was fast asleep.
…
"Anders?" Her voice woke him. He had fallen asleep on the chair, as exhaustion had finally overtaken him. "What am I doing in Varric's suite?"
"You, you had a little too much to drink," he yawned, rubbing his eyes.
Varric walked into the room. "Isabela hasn't returned, but that probably means she's still having a good time. Good morning, Chuckles. Glad to see you're doing fine."
"I wish I could have my memory back," Hawke frowned as she rubbed her forehead. "What am I doing in my smalls? And stop gawking at me!" she said to Anders whose eyes had travelled to her breasts that were straining to break free of her breast band.
"The whole tavern was gawking at you last night and you're bothered about me looking now?" Anders smirked. "Now that's just not fair!"
Rhianna pulled a sheet up to cover herself. "What do you mean by 'the whole tavern'?"
"You, um, decided to dance on the table for everyone and took off your leather jerkin. That's when Blondie here intervened," Varric supplied, grinning widely.
"I did what?" Hawke asked, a surprised look on her face.
"You were drunk," Anders smiled. "I arrived just in time to put a sleeping spell on everyone in the tavern, and get you up here."
Hawke burst out laughing. "Protecting my honor, were you?" she asked shaking her head. "That's funny."
Anders blinked back at her a look of confusion on his face. "The men were out of control when you did that. I couldn't let them – "
"What? Rape me?" Rhianna spat out. "You didn't have to, really. There is nothing you can do for me because I'm nothing but a whore. You're wasting your time…"
Anders was stunned to silence. It wasn't the first time she'd done this to him – stun him into silence. He didn't recover fast enough this time, however.
"Hey now, Hawke," Varric said, the sorrow in his voice apparent. "No need to beat yourself up, you know."
"What? You, too?" Rhianna turned to Varric. "You should know better, Varric…in fact, you DO know, don't you? So why don't you two just shut up and leave me alone? I want to get dressed and leave!"
"Come on, Blondie." Varric said quietly. "Let's go so she can dress."
Anders stumbled out of the room, his mind still reeling.
"She's been raped, hasn't she? Don't lie to me about it, Varric. I've healed rape victims before, so I can tell."
"You should probably have this conversation with her, Blondie. I'm not going to talk about it. I don't want to and I can't," Varric said in a low voice.
"I won't talk to her now," Anders replied. "I don't want to end up with a dagger in my back."
The door opened and Rhianna stepped out. She walked coldly past them, the look in her eyes sending chills up and down Anders's back. The lovely spark that was always there was gone.
Her eyes looked dead.
…
Anders spent the rest of the week in his clinic, healing everyone that came to him and thinking about Hawke all the time.
A few days later, she appeared at the door of his clinic.
"I need your assistance. There are some gangs that are robbing and killing people in Hightown. I need to put a stop to it. We're meeting at my house tonight and will set out from there. Can I count on you to join us?" she asked tersely, her eyes darting around the clinic.
"Of course you can," Anders smiled.
"Good. I'll expect you around at sunset, then." She turned to leave, but Anders's hand shot out and grabbed her arm.
"You can always talk to me, you know. I'm here for you." The words tumbled out before he could stop himself.
"I don't need your pity," Rhianna said coldly. "Let go of my arm, please."
"I feel no pity for you," Anders was quick to say. "If you talk about it, you might actually feel better."
Rhianna burst out laughing and he took a step back, confused by her outburst.
"Really, Anders? Talking won't accomplish anything! But if you must know, I'll tell you, since it's clear you do want to know!" she said as she yanked her arm away.
"I don't want to know. But I do know that talking helps," Anders retorted. "You don't have to say another word. But I just want you to know I'm here if you need a friend…"
Rhianna said nothing to this and bowed her head for a few moments. Then she nodded.
"We – we're meeting at sunset. You've never been to the mansion, so maybe it would be better if you go to The Hanged Man instead and ask Varric to show you the way," she finally said.
His eyes followed her as she reached the door. He could feel the pain emanating from her in waves and it was killing him.
She turned to face him before she left, her eyes shining brightly.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Anders watched her disappear into the shadows and sat down, clenching his hands. When had he signed up for all of this? It would be easier for him to leave and start a new life where he didn't have to put up with all this drama.
He sighed and shook his head. He was in too deep. He shut his eyes finally admitting what he didn't want to admit – what he had been trying to ignore for some time now.
He had fallen deeply in love with her and he would die before he left her, Maker help him.
And that was the end of that.
…