And I Struggle
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"Ka...Kashi," she murmured, eyes wide and glimmering.
He didn't know what to do. Frozen he stood, his teammate's body sagging into him as she was felled. Realization settling on him as quick as a flame to timber, he took his arm back; his hand it was so bloody. Oh god, Rin! He'd killed her! He'd killed the one person to promised always to protect! His friend! Oh what would Obito say?
Shaking, the youth felt his knees go out from beneath him. Never realizing he'd awakened something special, powerful, the Mangekyō sharingan...
With the sharingan always eating up chakra, Kakashi figured the best way to train wasn't to try and build up a reserve of chakra (his sharingan would just whittle it all away), but to refine the control he had over what was at his disposal. And he had, he'd learned so well that even with the handicap that Obito's eye gave him; he'd become a ninja known for that eye.
Obviously, he'd mastered chakra control and even trained himself with the sharingan enough that he could use it just as well as any of those sneering (near extinct) Uchiha. Walking away from the gate of the village as he saw the last of Naruto and Jiraiya disappear over the horizon, the jonin was forced to realize that his life had once again taken a change of pace. Naruto would train under the tutelage of his father's teacher and Sakura under that of Tsunade and with Sasuke well-rogue, Kakashi didn't have anyone to train.
Strolling along Konoha's streets, the man pondered what his fellow genin-team leaders were doing. As far as Kakashi knew and could surmise, they still had their students, their teams (like always) and they certainly didn't need him intruding on their lives. Though, he also wondered what would happen if he just hid away in his apartment for weeks at a time-like he had as a boy-would Gai come to him once more? Maybe it would be Sakura, she had expressed interest in seeing him from time to time between her training. A hollow feeling eroding at his stomach, Kakashi chided himself. Maybe before the Nine-Tails attack he could depend on others to care about his whereabouts, what he was doing and why he did something (or didn't do something); but now he was a very much grown adult who had only himself to fall back on.
It was up to him to ensure that he didn't become someone like his father had become in his final days, months and years.
Shaking his head, Kakashi made himself re-focus on the street around him. It wasn't a particularly busy time for Konoha; but a fair number of old people milled about at stalls and on benches as a few younger women blabbing in front of a restaurant front caught his ear; he leaned left as a boy of maybe nine ran by with two more on his heels and a couple dogs too. He bet they belonged to the Inuzuka clan. Or maybe just the last one; he had the right smile on him. Studying his view further, he spotted an Anbu off in the distance; flicking a wave, Kakashi smirked when they shot off. Those shinobi were always so full of themselves, believing an average ninja couldn't spot them; Kakashi could of course. Not that he was average, but in his nondescript uniform he figured he might as well be to the Anbu.
Continuing on his walk, Kakashi began to ponder ways he could occupy himself in the next couple years (and longer); he could ask for more missions. Though, Tsunade must have read the notes the Third left on him, because she always looked a little uneasy when he came by inquiring for mission after missions. Hiruzen had worried too, especially after Minato-sensei's premature death. He'd obviously passed down the little tid-bit about him taking on extra missions when he wasn't "coping" well with whatever trauma he was dealing with.
Truthfully, Kakashi felt missions were a fine way to cope with things. They gave you time to set things aside and think about things in snippets. It wasn't a distraction, hindrance or even reckless to bring baggage on missions as far as the jonin was concerned. If anything, it was probably better to. Nobody liked to hangout with a grump or sad-sack. The third and fifth obviously disagreed with him, if Kakashi tried to explain; he felt that they'd think it even further reason to keep him in Konoha. Weaving his fingers through his hair, the man went right onto his street. He didn't know what to do still, though, having a reading marathon of Icha Icha Paradise sounded like a pleasant way to spend a couple days as he formulated a better idea.
Just as he came within sight of his apartment building, he felt a body join him on his blindside. A moment longer and he knew who. "Tenzo," he greeted quietly.
"It's Yamato now," he told the other.
The taller man shrugged. "Mah, you change your name too much." Then, he inquired; "What's brought you here?"
"You waved."
Kakashi slanted his gaze. "So it was you," sticking his hands into his pockets; Kakashi muttered; "I wondered why you'd be watching me."
Yamato hummed. "It was relayed to me that one of your students left today," the Anbu explained.
"Is that right..."
"Kakashi," Tenzo rebuked a little sharper.
Tone hard, the gray-haired man said; "It's fine, it's better he train under Jiraiya; he knows more about what Naruto needs to be taught than I do."
There was silence for a moment. "The girl, she's also not under your tutelage anymore, is she? I hear that the fifth has taken her under her guidance."
"That's right," Kakashi nodded.
Masked-face coming completely in his vision, the shinobi inquired; "What are you to do now?"
Kakashi tensed slightly. "I haven't quite figured that out;" he admitted, "I suspect most of my days will be occupied with training-seeing that missions and wars are always on the horizon."
"What will you focus on?"
Stopping in front of his building with the other, Kakashi answered; "The usual-refinement."
Interestingly (or maybe worryingly) the Anbu cocked his head to the side as if he was truly considering what Kakashi was saying. "Why just refinement? Why not stamina? You always appear to lack in it."
Finger tapping on the hard metal that covered his eye, the older jonin explained "Because of this." Finger falling away, he continued; "It takes much too much chakra. Why bother trying to build a reserve when it's all just going to be eaten up? And my stamina's fine-that's what all the refinement is for. Improvement of my stamina."
"Hmmm..." Tenzo muttered. "Maybe it only uses up so much chakra because the sharingan has lacked in proper training to stabilize it. Maybe all you need to do is use it and let it figure out how much of your chakra it really needs."
Kakashi scowled behind his mask. "That's not-" he shook his head. "I'll end up in the hospital that way, like I did when I was a kid." Because as far as he was concerned; his fellow ninja's suggestion was an old hat to him. Something he'd already done and proven to be a waste.
"Maybe you've been trying it with the wrong form of the sharingan. Have you ever attempted setting up chakra regulatory systems for it in the Mangekyō phase?"
The gray-haired man visibly flinched. The very idea of using something so-heinous-striking deeply at his heart.
"Kid, hey Hatake wake up;" a voice above hissed.
Squinting, Kakashi stared up into the face of one of the numerous jonin of Konoha. "What?" He muttered; dragging himself up.
Jutting his thumb at the carnage surrounding him, the boy's fellow shinobi asked; "You do all this?"
Hand bumping something, the young genius recoiled once he realized it was Rin's leg. Gazing at her still face, Kakashi shook his head. "No," he admitted. "No I-"
"'s okay kid," the other jonin sighed. "Be thankful you didn't get your head whacked off like one of those poor guys," he told him pointing out a corpse not far off.
Wavering between sobs and panic, Kakashi nodded. Yes, he should be very thankful he didn't end up dead. He wished he had. He'd killed Rin, the one person he'd always promised to protect...if he deserved death in anyway, it was for his teammate's death; but instead, he was left alive in the middle of a cemetery.
"No" Kakashi admitted. "I don't use it."
He couldn't tell behind the animal mask, but the shinobi felt that the Anbu had to be studying him. "Is it because of how you got it?" Tenzo inquired softly.
The pleasure from being right faded as quickly as it came. "Why else?" Kakashi tossed back. "I can't-" he bit his tongue. He didn't talk about Rin to anyone. Not what she meant to him. To Obito. She was a little like Sakura, he remembered (her interests, her youthful crush on her generation's genius-him); though, her quiet strength and intense want for independence better matched Sasuke.
"I don't think she, or Obito, would like to see you wasting what they gifted you with."
Fury bubbling right beneath the surface; Kakashi stood up straighter, hands fists within his pockets. "What do you know Tenzo? What do you know of people you never knew? Never loved?"
The other ninja, he met Kakashi toe for toe. "I may not have loved them or known them as you did," he agreed; "but I know they would not have liked to see you hold yourself back because of them." And Tenzo disappeared. Not giving Kakashi even a moment to argue back.
Stewing with fury, Kakashi pulled out his book and began to walk away from his building. Going into his apartment would mean replacing all the furniture inside if he didn't calm himself down first. As he let the daylight slip from his back and the cool air of the night sneak into the space between his vest and neck; Kakashi slowly felt logic overtake his emotion.
He may not like what Tenzo is saying, but was he truly wrong? Kakashi had the nagging feeling that he wasn't. After all, Obito gave him his eye so Kakashi could accomplish all the great things that were so evidently in his grasp. And to waste the sharingan by not adequately developing it...he was letting his teammate's dream die. That made him queasy. He'd promised! Promised.
His thoughts then went out to Rin. The teammate he killed. She had wanted it, true, but did that make it any better? No. In some ways; Kakashi resented her. Ninjas were tools at foremost, weapons at their village's disposal. And Kakashi, he'd always been one of the best, a favorite even. To Rin though, the jonin had never felt as such. Not with the way she looked at him with kindness, respect and love. That day, that day where she put herself in his path so he'd have to kill her...the man had felt every bit of the weapon and tool that he was. To Rin, he thought he was human, but in the end; he'd been a tool at her disposal just like he was to the village.
Passing by the training grounds, Kakashi didn't even think to look for familiar faces. His mind was slowly but surely turning through memories and beliefs; there would only be so much longer until he came to his conclusion on what to do he realized. Taking a short-cut toward the abandoned Uchiha Compound, Kakashi began to feel-if not well-only bitter that Tenzo was the one to give him a reason to train his sharingan again. He should have been smarter. Not so sentimental. It was that sort of thing that held one back from their potential. It wasn't much later that he grudgingly conceded that the Anbu had a point.
The Mangekyō sharingan needed training as did his normal sharingan. Like he'd told the other, it was only a matter of time before another mission, battle, or war was here. Only so long before it would be useful. There was only long until it would save lives Kakashi could not have hoped to save before. Neglecting part of himself only put other's lives in danger and Kakashi didn't think he could go on with many more lives on his conscience. Another fifteen minutes and he had made up his mind.
He took a second left in as many minutes and let his feet carry him away to where Rin's body rested. He'd need to visit her. Maybe by the time morning came, he could visit Obito and feel well about his decision.
After all, if he couldn't use Mangekyō sharingan to help them any longer; maybe he could use it to keep their ideals alive and flowing in the youth of Konoha that called themselves ninja.
Minato-sensei stood behind him.
"I'm sorry Kakashi," he whispered.
Still kneeling, the young genius put the flowers down on her grave.
"You couldn't have done anything about it either, sensei; she-she wanted to be killed...she did it for Konoha."
His teacher's breath hitched and Kakashi forced himself not to dwell on it.
"God you kids!" He sobbed. "I love you so much! But we let you be ninjas and we let you die for Konoha! Why do we let you be so selfless? You're children. We should let you be selfish, we should let you want to live for yourself-not the village, not us."
Fingers running tenderly over his teammates name, Kakashi lets his teacher regain some of his composure. Once he felt like he could talk around the lump in his throat, the young genius whispered;
"What do we have to live for without you sensei? Without our village? Nothing. We are being selfish...we are so selfish we can't fathom the one thing we love most ever coming to harm and ruin."
He went stiff. Arms were entwined around him.
"Thank you."
Relaxing into the man's hug, Kakashi took comfort in the blond hair brushing his cheek and nodded.
"Of course Minato-sensei."
The end! Of this chapter, anyway. I realize I said last would be pre-time skip (which it is) but It didn't actually include all that much on Team Seven, does it? Kind of disappointed about that, but it dragged me in this direction and I...let it happen. Maybe next chapter? Eh, it is supposed to be Kakashi-centric.
It's not quite as long as last chapter, I'll admit, but it's more than two thousand (two thousand five hundred, in fact) and I hope you're still liking the length of these chapters! I really get into the grit of it this way, I feel. Don't you?
Before I get to the thank yous, remember to go vote on my poll for my next Naruto story idea! There's a lot of options to pick from and you get to choose two!
To reviewers, TheInkBender, VampireDoll666, Harvestangel99, Prescripto13, The Goliath Beetle, YamiB1999, Tdbanks316 and Sleepkittyqq; thanks so, so much guys! You rock! And you totally surpassed my expectations for reviews on the first chapter :) I'm still going to give that prize to reviewer fifteen-who I'm hoping will a reviewer of this chapter and not next-so good luck!
Thanks again everyone for reading and pretty please review!