A/N: It's been more than a month, what an absolute crime! But I'm glad to be back on my feet; the 'I love you' series is up in running and I'm feeling a bit more inspired than I was before. Hopefully that good mojo continues. To my reviewers, you guys keep me going so thank you isn't even enough. Big thanks to Eternally Romantic, Aniable, Guest, JRB, and Moonprincess92, you all contributed to convincing me to actually posting my other series so it means a lot. To fwentworth, it is so easy to forget Harriet in these fics so in the future I hope to give her some sort of happy ending. To emmafan, it was intentional, and I think you deserve a cookie for being the first to notice my numerous references scattered through my works (not just to Clueless btw)! Same goes to Hobbitenlacomarca, I never mentioned the reference to the song so I'll mention it now: the title of this fic references the song Samson by Regina Spektor (and yes I tried really hard to use one of her songs in my other fic, but it didn't work out).
As for this fic, it is entirely a response to episode 32 (just saying that makes me want to watch it again). But somehow, my reaction to that adorable perfection turned into something not as adorable? Hopefully still likeable though, but I'm not 100% in love with it myself so I don't blame any of you.
It's almost like everyone else sees something we don't want to.
Even though it was hard to come to terms with sometimes, Alex could pinpoint exact moments of importance in his life. He remembers the look on his own mother's face when they had found out that Emma's mother had passed away. He can describe the way John's eyes lit up the first time he introduced their family to Henry. He recognizes the exact song that was playing the time he learned that his heart could be broken, just by the first couple notes. And even though he would never talk about it aloud, Alex knew precisely the moment when he had fallen in love with his best friend.
But for all the things Alex did know and could remember, he had absolutely no idea what exactly happened to shift the nature of his relationship with Emma, if only slightly. How he could go from teasing her about her latest outfit choice, to challenging (and subsequently beating) Harrison Boyd at an arm-wrestling competition simply because he knew she'd be watching. Or how Emma had gone from swatting him with her Seventeen magazine whenever he contradicted her, to not-so-accidentally checking out his ass whenever he left a room. Though they, at times, still engaged in the former, it was the existence of the latter that confused Knightley. Ultimately, what he meant was: when did he and Emma start flirting with each other?
It was as if one minute they had been comfortable in a steady, dependable friendship, and the next, they had the type of relationship that made people believe they had dated at some point in the past. (This is not a statement made for comparison purposes, this was legitimately the first question his friend Matt had asked him when he met Emma.) But it wasn't nearly that simply either because there was no obvious change; it was a gradual thing that happened right under their noses and only made itself known at the worst possible time.
And by 'the worst possible time', Alex refers to five key reasons:
1. He had been dating his girlfriend, Julianna, for more than a year at that point.
2. She had just asked him to be her plus one to her cousin's wedding (which Emma assured him was a very big deal).
3. The Knightley's and the Woodhouse's were leaving for a shared family vacation to Florida in a week's time.
4. Emma had just made a compelling speech to him and Annie about how she has sworn off serious relationships forever and needed to focus on bigger and better things.
5. He knew for a fact that his friend Justin was planning to ask Emma out (in spite of reason number four).
Together, these five reasons made the following events that much more game-changing:
Emma was over at his house that evening. She had said that they of course needed to celebrate now that Alex's relationship with Julianna was getting so serious. It was a curious thing for both of them, the fact that Emma could not only stand Alex's girlfriend but went even so far as to say she liked the girl. To be quite honest, though, it wasn't very surprising.
Like Emma, Julianna was magnetic, she drew people to her like moths to a flame. But unlike Emma, she was very unaware of this fact. She was simply kind with a subtle beauty and didn't get the fuss that people, particularly men, would make over her. Alex had met her in a coffee shop when she had been bold enough (by her own standards, anyway) to mention that they took their coffee in the same way. They had got to talking and discovered that they had more than just that in common. Emma assures him that this story is simply adorable.
And that was probably the first warning sign surrounding Julianna; that he couldn't seem to talk about her (or, often, think about her) without creating some connection to Emma. Alex didn't like to think too much about what that meant.
Regardless, Emma had appeared at his condo that night with a bright smile and a huge hug, telling him "Who knew you had it in you, Knightley?" And of course he let her in because he was happy. He was to the moon and back happy because he had really fallen for Julianna. The fact that Emma liked her kind of tempted his hope that she might be 'the one'; because at heart, there was a small part of Alex that was a hopeless romantic.
"Godfather or Into the Wild?" Emma asks, grinning, and holding up Alex's two favourite DVDs out to him.
Alex repositions himself on the couch to get a better look, as if that would help him make the right decision. He pops some of the Skittles into his mouth before saying, "You choose."
A pause, "I hate them both, Alex."
He laughs and almost chokes on a Skittle. "I know, that's why I'm telling you to choose. It doesn't have to be those two," he knew she wanted to choose one of his favourites because it was 'his' day and all, but he'd rather she'd pick something she liked. There'd be more conversation that way since he could rarely keep his opinions to himself.
"You're sure?"
He nods at her, focused more on grabbing the green Skittles at the bottom of the pouch.
Of course, it's Emma so she chooses West Side Story and he regrets his decision immediately.
And there it is. Just a little dose of it. Alex doesn't notice it at the time but he's fully aware of it after the fact. When Emma reveals her choice and goes to put the DVD in the player, Alex protests and tries to pull her away from the device. She's laughing as he wraps his arms around her waist trying to pull her back while she successfully watches the DVD load on screen. Once she clicks play on the remote, he lets go of her and rolls his eyes; Emma sticks her tongue out at him. He doesn't think about it much when it's happening but now he sees it differently: they were flirting.
Okay, so the actions themselves may have been mostly harmless, but Alex has soon discovered that it's the intention behind the action that changes teasing to flirting. And at the time, he knew she was going to get her way no matter what he did. So he was fighting with her because he knew she would laugh the way she did. It amazes him that he wasn't more perceptive back then.
"You'll love West Side."
"You know, I've seen it with you five hundred times, right?" he's pouting as he sits back on the couch with his beer and a huge bowl of chips in his hands.
Emma rolls her eyes in response. "And how many times have I watched your terrible mob, pirate, space alien, dinosaur, garbage films?"
"Probably closer to five than five hundred."
"Irrelevant," she says, shrugging with her glass of water in hand. "My superior taste has yet to rub off on you, so five hundred more times are in order."
Alex makes a sound somewhat like a grunt and switches the chips for a bowl of popcorn. He's true to his word and ends up complaining about as much as he possibly can through the whole thing.
Number of times he complains about the fact that they're singing in a musical film: 16.
Number of times he complains that the romance is overdone: 6.
Number of times he complains about they're being more choreography than plot: 3.
Number of times he complains with food in his mouth: 9.
Number of times he simply groans: 25.
By the end of it, he is truly amazed that Emma hasn't already turned off the film just to shut him up. But, with the exception of a few times when his commentary was, admittedly, pretty weak, she didn't fight back with him, preferring to just keep watching as if he hadn't spoken. He considers this either the result of her still treating the day as something special for him (less likely) or her being so sucked in by the epic quality of the film that she barely heard him (more likely). Either way, it was kind of nice and by the end of it, he actually ends up liking it more than he had all the other times.
When it finishes, Emma turns off the player and leaves the TV on with a sitcom Alex doesn't recognize. He wasn't much of a TV guy, but the remote was too far away and he wasn't in the mood for moving. Besides, Emma had gone to his kitchen and he was sure she'd change it when she got back.
Surprisingly, she returns with a bowl of strawberries and doesn't change the channel. (The changing the channel being the surprising part, evidently). He watches her chew and laugh at the rather well timed jokes on screen. After a while, they both get into it and Alex forgets all about changing the channel.
He's thoroughly engrossed and enjoying himself when his phone vibrates on the coffee table. Alex reaches for it and recognizes that it's a text from Julianna. She's asking him if he wouldn't mind them shopping together for the wedding. Alex stares at the text for all of two minutes before turning towards Emma.
"Do people buy new suits for weddings?"
Emma stares at him. He's pretty sure she has at least eleven different faces that say Alex Knightley, you are hopeless and he's watching her flicker between two of them right that very second.
"What?"
"Alex," Emma shakes her head. "Alex, of course they do!" she raises her hand to squeeze the bridge of her nose. "A wedding is a fresh start for a new couple; you can't simple show up in an old suit – it would ruin the ambiance!"
"Well, as you so willingly pointed out before throwing me this," he gestures around the room while searching for the right word, "evening, I haven't been asked to weddings by my girlfriends before."
She smiles and moves so they're occupying the same couch. "I know, I'm sorry," she puts a hand against his upper arm. "But you have a lot to figure out if we're going to keep you from floundering."
He smiles back at her to express his thanks because for all her teasing, Emma really did want this to work out for him. Then they're looking into each other's eyes for a little too long and, in retrospect, Alex wants to circle the exchange in red marker with the word FLIRTING underneath it. But in the moment, Emma eventually just turns away and grabs another of her strawberries.
"Why are you asking now, anyway? The wedding's still a while away."
"Julianna texted me. Apparently, we're going shopping soon," Alex clears his throat nonchalantly.
Emma smirks and sinks further into the seat cushion beside him. "I can't believe she's actually getting you to go suit shopping with her. If I haven't said so before, you better treat this girl right, Alex Knightley." She punctuates the threat by pressing a finger to his chest repeatedly before he grabs her hand and holds it in the small space between them. It isn't until he's brushing his thumb against her knuckles that the stupid thing happens again.(In retrospect, he's realizing that he not only flirts a lot with her, but that he might actually be good at it).
"Well, at least if you look dapper, you'll be able to play off all your other mishaps of the night," Emma starts, pulling her hand back to run it through her hair. "I mean, the other guests will need to distract themselves somehow from your terrible dancing."
Alex laughs, "Well I've got that covered, seeing as I don't plan on dancing at all."
Emma pulls another one of her patented looks. "Alex, are you aggressively attempting to lose your girlfriend here?" Then, she's up on her feet like a strike of lighting.
"Up," she says. He just looks at her confused so she grabs his hand and pulls him up onto his feet.
"Hey! Also, why?" Alex hisses, freeing himself from the grip of her hand soon enough.
"Because not dancing at a wedding with your girlfriend is systematically impossible. It simply cannot be done. And will not be done so long as I am a life coach and your best friend!" Emma actually stomps her foot at this. She physically refuses to accept his lack of dancing at this event.
But Alex just rolls his eyes, "Emma, I can't dance, you know that and – no!" he says once he realizes her plan and falls back onto the couch gracelessly.
"Alex," she whines, tugging him back onto his feet. "What are you going to do when Julie says 'The only thing that could make this night better would be a dance'?"
"Irrelevant, she doesn't talk like that. To be fair, I doubt anyone talks like that," he returns to the couch.
"Oh okay. I guess I'll just call her and see what her version of that question would be…"
Alex slides himself to the edge of the couch cautiously, "You don't have her number."
Emma looks at him mischievously. "Oh, but, don't I?" she says, holding up her phone displaying J. Burges contact information.
His curiosity momentarily gets the better of him, "How?"
"She came to my volunteering placement last week," she reminds him, and of course he knows it's true. Julianna had heard about how active Emma was in such activity (having yet to get her own business off the drawing board just yet) and had offered to help out one weekend. He briefly lets himself worry about what else she's discussed with his girlfriend before returning his mind to the present.
"Em, don't."
She pouts, "Then promise you will dance with her."
Alex looks to the ceiling for guidance, "I seriously can't. Do you not remember me at John and Izzy's wedding?"
Emma makes a face that assures him she does remember, especially since she was more often than not his only partner.
"Fine, then I'll show you," she reports, pulling him back up and then bringing him closer to her.
"And where were you four years ago?" he jokes, as he lets himself be dragged over.
"With Izzy and John, enjoying your discomfort while dancing with Maddie Bates," she bites her lip and it takes everything in him not to laugh with her.
"Okay, now hands on my waist," she says, dramatically, putting her own arms out at her sides, parallel to the ground. Alex is already embarrassed. He does as requested, however, and checks to make sure he's gotten it right.
"No," Emma says, "like this." She moves her hands under his arms and places them on his own hips. The touch is enough to make him realize this was very different from when they had danced together four years ago. Or any time after, for that matter. Or maybe it was him that was different, but he couldn't focus on that. He reminds himself that he's doing this to be able to dance with Julianna, his girlfriend, and adjust his hands along Emma's dress.
She grins and pulls her hands off of him, which in no way whatsoever makes his heartbeat regulate back to normal. "Better, except," she presses her hands against his, "not so stiff. Flatten your hands, like you actually want them to be there." Emma rolls her eyes until he does as she asks, inadvertently pulling her closer in doing so.
He can smell the strawberries on her breath and the word "Better?" is out of his lips before he can stop himself. It's low and comes out too close to her ear to be a simple question, but he's more focused on the almost imperceptible change in her breathing pattern. She nods in response but doesn't look up to meet his eyes.
"Now what?" he asks, in the exact same manner, moving his hands slightly and pulling her somewhat closer to him, leaving almost no visible space at this point. The fabric of her dress is soft like a well-worn t-shirt and he can feel the tips of her hip bones under his thumbs. He wonders if she's wearing something with strawberries in it too because the scent is too overwhelming to just be from the two or so she'd eaten. Whatever it is, he feels like he's drowning in it in the best possible way.
"Then, she'll do this," Emma says, shakily, moving to wrap her arms around Alex's neck. But she doesn't quite reach it because the minute they lock eyes, he's leaning down to kiss her.
His head dips down and captures her lips just as she tries to readjust her breathing to something more regular. It's simple, with his lips pressing hers just lightly enough. And for about half a second, she leans into it, with her hands gripping his shoulders so he feels her nails in his skin. But when half of that second is up, she's pushing him back from her. There's no anger or disgust to it, she was still standing there in his arms with her hands digging into his shoulder blades. If he didn't look at her face, Alex could almost pretend it wasn't a rejection because she was physically still there. But when he does open his eyes and look down at her, he sees something that surprises him. She looks afraid.
Emma is looking at him with eyes so wide he's sure he's grown a second head. But there's an uncertainty in them too, like she's more afraid of his reaction than her own. It's how he knows there are two ways that this could play out.
The first was that he would look her in the eye and lean forward once again. He would check to see that she was okay with what he was about to do, and then he would kiss her. Truly kiss her. He would wrap his arm around her waist and lift her off the ground. His other hand would be buried in her hair pulling her closer to him, directing the kiss in a way his lips couldn't. Her hands would be frozen at first, but then she would grab fistfuls of his shirt. He would continue kissing her until he couldn't breathe and then he would pull back. Her feet would fall back to the floor lightly but he would still hold her up. They'd stand there with their foreheads pressed together and Alex would brush his nose against hers, catching his breath. Once it came back, even in small doses, he would start pressing light, quick kisses to her lips, because a minute spent not doing what he'd just done would feel like a minute wasted.
After that, it gets fuzzy. And complicated. And, potentially, very painful for both of them.
The second option is to pull back from her slightly. He would keep his arms on her waist as he stepped back, giving her her space. Then he'd let his hands fall to his sides, probably even slip them into the pockets of his pants. He would nod and say that he understood now and he should be fine dancing in the future. Emma would move her hands to somewhat grip each other in front of her chest. She would stare at him, not sure what to say, watching as he took the snacks and drinks back to his kitchen. Then she'd smile a small smile when he came back and mutter something about needing to get back to her place. The words 'I'll text you later' will be directed at the floor as she exits out his front door. And he'd be left staring at his girlfriend's contact information on his own phone, wondering if he should already make the call.
This option was equally as painful. But with the right amount of distance and avoidance, at least it didn't have to be as complicated.
It's easy to guess which option he ultimately chooses.
And like a glass figurine on the edge of a shelf, their relationship had teetered back and forth until it smashed to the floor and Alex finally saw what was inside. That, somehow, without his knowledge, their harmless friendship had turned into something else. And Alex learned it was very dangerous to flirt with Emma, to rock that perfect figurine back and forth, because the end results were very rarely pretty.
So a few years later, when they're sitting on her bench at her desk and shoving each other like they couldn't possibly get enough of one another, Alex has to forcibly stop himself. He has to amass the collection of memories that remind him why flirting with Emma was problematic and why doing what he actual wanted to do just then, which was kiss her, would be detrimental. But no matter the warning signs, he still considers it. For a mere second, he takes a deep breath and remembers that kissing Emma may have damaged many things for him and for them, but it had also been amazing. He convinces himself that things are different now; they're closer, they have a company together, and she doesn't even smell like strawberries anymore. It'll be different, he swears it. Then, Harriet steps in and he feels the figurine right itself, the strain on their relationship eases back to normal, and the idea of kissing her become foreign once more. Or at least, he's wise enough not to consider it any longer.
Yes, Alex remembers a lot of precise moments in his life. And although he may not remember when he and Emma first started flirting with one another, he does remember the moment that he realized they did. And subsequently, the moment he realized they shouldn't. Which was about the same moment he realized he didn't think he'd ever be able to stop.
Not quite angsty but not as adorable as I'd originally hoped. But it's so hard when they refuse to acknowledge all their dumb feelings! Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it and feel like leaving a review! I'm pretty excited about the next installment in this; it's a bit different than anything I've done before. And on that note...to be continued (hopefully not in a month)!