Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. I hope to accomodate updates on the weekends and on Mondays. Thank you for the follows and PMs. I'm new to writing Fanfic and have discovered that writing canon is very difficult still I hope you find my yarns entertaining enough to help get us through the hiatus.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"Seems like without tenderness there's something missing"
Tenderness – General Public
His frigid hands pushed his plate away as he asked, "Amy, are you breaking up with me?"
"Not at all, Sheldon, it is simply an inquiry." She answered softly but clearly rattled by his rejoinder.
"Amy, not three weeks ago you were telling me you wanted something more. Now you're telling me you want something less. How am I to understand?" he retorted in a hurtful whisper.
"Sheldon, at no point did I state that I wanted something less. I simply asked a question that you did not answer; do you think you would be logically happier if we were just friends?"
His shoulders slumped and his voice trembled as he asked. "Is there someone else?"
"Sheldon!" Amy choked, "of course not. It has always been you and only you. Now please stop. I did not intend for my question to provoke you. I just wanted us to have some dialogue about our relationship"
"Is this about me not wanting for us to live together?" he asked as he shoulders drooped further and his eyes took on a glazed and unsteady appearance. They had both avoided revisiting this topic yet it clacked in his mind like a pendulum. She had been so angry and hurt that day. He had admitted his cowardice but it distressed him to accept that he had pushed her away.
Amy paused, gnawed on his question and concluded- it wasn't. Not really. But it was at that time that she began to truly question the merits of continuing on the four year plan she had originally thought would lead to her dream wedding. There were times at least once per month that he made her consider ending their relationship due to his clueless insensitivity but she adored and loved this man, his mind and all he was. She was just finding it harder and harder to believe that he would ever genuinely reciprocate. Until the night of the Dungeons and Dragons game.
Then today the handholding had seemed so magical yet she hated feeling like a pre-teen girl and longed for an adult relationship. Sheldon it seemed was willing to open up and while she still wanted to move forward something told her that providing him an out would alleviate some pressure off of him. She was surprised that her scientific man had reacted; she hesitated with the thought - so emotionally. Her heart gasped at the ache she heard in his voice.
Looking back at Sheldon, she reached over and cupped both of his chilled hands in hers looked into his languid blue eyes and said, "I know you were not ready for us to live together and the truth is I don't know that I was either. What I knew then and know still is that I just want to be with you. You need to know that I will never be happy taking something from you that you cannot give freely." She gradually exhaled, released his hands and said, "I know you will soon dismiss these as hippy emotions, so let's just go so that I can take you home."
She rose taking the dinner check from the table and walked over to the cashier.
Sheldon watched as she walked, missing the warmth of her hands. His chest was laden with a thousand boulders so he took a sip of water before he stood. Placing both hands on the table to steady himself, he rose. Slowly he inhaled and exhaled to regulate his breathing and straighten out his posture. When she turned to glance at him he snatched the glass of water, chugged it dry then left following her to the car.
Sheldon's response had been unexpected but Amy had permitted herself the idea that they would have a discussion as they rode together but the car ride was quiet. Gone was Sheldon's previous exuberance about the museum and their afternoon together. He stared at the road ahead of him but occasionally stole glances at Amy. He wanted to touch her but somehow he couldn't gather the courage. She had unpacked her feelings and now he felt too impotent to return the honesty.
As they approached the Los Robles Apartments Sheldon asked
"Amy, will you be coming up for tea? It's still early and our conversation has left me a bit unsettled so maybe we can talk upstairs."
"Sheldon, I told you it was simply an inquiry." She stated meekly.
She pulled up in front of the building and added.
"Are you sure? You have laundry to do and we have an early start tomorrow with your first day of driving lessons."
"Of course. It slipped my mind. Well brace yourself Amy that is not going to be an easy task. I offer it as further proof that an evening tea will bolster your fortitude for tomorrow."
"Alright. Let me park and I'll be right up." Sheldon smiled at her as he opened the car door and headed towards his building.
As Sheldon walked up the stairs he tried to organize his thoughts. He wanted to answer Amy's question and put to rest the nagging insecurities that were making him lose sleep. While Sheldon treasured moments of solitude, lately those moments had been shrouded in a sense of aloneness. In his aloneness he felt deficient and discontent but Leonard's expected absence didn't seem to fit as the correct explanation for this mental state. He had rationalized that Amy was at the root of his interrupted REM cycles. Perhaps she was correct to appropriate the need for a discussion about their relationship. She had allayed his qualms by declaring her commitment to him so surely it was his obligation to provide a response to her question.
When Sheldon reached the fourth floor landing he encountered Bernadette leaving Penny's apartment.
"Hello Sheldon"
"Did Penny get to speak with Leonard?"
"Yes, she did. She was feeling down so I stayed with her until she fell asleep."
Hearing bottles clinking he asked, "What do you have in that bag?"
"Well, Amy and I had been talking and we think it would be wise to limit Penny's access to alcohol while Leonard is away. I left her one bottle of wine but I took these to store away for now. We want to come up with new ways to keep her busy."
"That sounds like a prudent idea. How many bottles do you have there?"
"Four. Is there any place where we could store these in your apartment?"
"Come inside and we'll take a look."
Sheldon unlocked the door, put his keys in their bowl and walked over to their living room closet.
"I suppose this would make a good place. Let me see if I have an empty box."
While he searched he asked.
"Bernadette, what did you mean by telling me the other night that I'm lucky to have Amy? I know that."
"Oh." She stopped to remember, "Sheldon, you know it's just that you really don't show her much affection. And I don't mean physically either. I mean as a woman she deserves to be getting something out of your relationship. It just seems like you don't appreciate her."
"Of course she's getting something out of our relationship. She gets to lord over others the fact her boyfriend is Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper who will one day win a Nobel Prize."
Sheldon handed Bernadette a box but clearly her tone has changed as she snatched the box from his hands.
"Listen Narcissus, that ego crap does not make her feel special. If anything it seems like you only have a relationship with yourself!"
Bernadette often frightened Sheldon. She was scary, bossy and blunt with him to the point that one day after another round of insults against Wolowitz she had flipped him off. Instead of being insulted, Sheldon had grown to appreciate Bernadette because in an odd way she reminded him of his sister Missy but with the added bonus of a high I.Q. and a Ph.D.
"Maybe this is none of your business!"
"Maybe as a member of your Council of Ladies, I'm making it my business!"
Meanwhile, Amy had parked her car and sat in the quiet with her forehead resting on the steering wheel. Before heading to the apartment she tried to meditate so as to prepare for a calm unemotional discussion with Sheldon. It was her plan to remain as subdued as possible but she knew that when it came to Sheldon her emotions were rarely in control.
"You're fired!" yelled Sheldon.
"I quit! Don't ask me for advice ever again!" Bernadette hissed while putting the box of liquor away in the closet.
"I didn't ask you this time!" Sheldon opened the front door waiting for her to leave.
"Conceit spoils the finest genius!" she snarled at him before walking out the door.
Before he closed the door he heard Amy say
"Hi Bernadette, How did it go with Penny today?"
He left them to their conversation without shutting the door. Sheldon busied himself preparing their tea. Taking a mental inventory of all the things that had transpired in the last few hours.
All these discussions are asphyxiating.
Why did women have to be so difficult? He thought.
He wished Bernadette had not set him off because now he had to summon kolinahr to help him to concentrate on his discussion with Amy. He went to the bathroom to splash water on his face and to gather himself together before the tea water boiled.
When he returned to the kitchen Amy was placing the teabags in the mugs and they steeped their tea quietly before removing themselves to the couch. They sat in silence a few minutes Sheldon on his spot and Amy next to him. He took several sips of tea and watched Amy do the same then he placed his mug down and put his hands on his knees.
"Amy, I would like to answer your question." Clearing his throat he spoke in a sterilized tone, "While I understand that our relationship has not progressed in a conventional manner, I'd hoped from our last conversation that you understood that I am willing to stretch my boundaries because I want you in my life." He gulped and took another sip of tea.
Amy was going to speak but Sheldon raised his free hand into a stop motion.
"Our relationship agreement has thirty-one pages and in the months that it took to construct that agreement I gave careful and logical thought to each entry. I knew that changing our paradigm from a friendship to a pair bond was going to entail some uncomfortable progression. I did my research and it revealed many aspects of pair bonding I did not care to consider at the time."
Once again Amy's voice rose to interject but Sheldon's hand stopped her.
"As we grew comfortable in our friendship I became very satisfied with the status quo until you became attracted to other men. You already know that I found the idea of you romantically linked with Stuart or anyone else repellant. So I thoroughly reconsidered whether I wanted a pair bond or to maintain our friendship, knowing that it may evolve into- sssomething mmore." He stuttered with the last part, finished his tea and put his blue mug down.
"I freely chose pair bonding and I'm grateful that you agreed to be my girlfriend. I have been honest in stating that I preferred a relationship of the mind but I also observed that you had changed your opinions since our first date. I accepted the new possibilities but in the last few months we have gone from the things that I'm now somewhat comfortable with like holding hands, hugs and occasional cuddles to talks of living together. Then when I shared the information about my opportunity for tenure you brought up getting married, buying a house and raising a family. It's not lost on me that you could easily find someone to give you all those things when I'm simply not ready to do that right now."
His voice now began to crack with the emotion he had displayed earlier.
"I know I said I had gone back and forth on this girlfriend/boyfriend thing but that was before our agreement. I want you to know that just because I'm not ready to give you those things now, doesn't mean I won't be ready to someday." He paused as if searching for courage.
"Amy, I want you to be my girlfriend and everything that goes with that.
It's just that –"
His voice trailed because he was at a loss as to how to verbalize anything that he couldn't sort as a fact, so he just looked at her pleadingly and uttered,
"Amy, please don't give up on me."
As her mind was lost in the moment Amy did not catch the words that slipped out of her mouth.
"It's not you - so much. It's that sometimes I feel like giving up - on us."
Sheldon sprang to his feet. With a mixture of sorrow and rage he blurted,
"Why?"
His face contorted as if he had just been slapped. His head and stomach burned as if bathed in caustic house cleaner. He wanted to run to his room. He wanted to faint. Instead he summoned every muscle in his being to stand and wait. To wait for the final blow so as to capture a memory that would remain as his lesson to never feel again.
A/N: Bernadette quoted Louisa May Alcott "Conceit spoils the finest genius!" . Ever since she enjoyed Amy's story about the Cantebury Tales I imagined her well versed in literature. Did you think Sheldon wrote the relationship agreement in one night after leaving Amy at the theater? We discussed it in our home months ago and compared the episode list. While everyone differs on the set time that he began to write it we all agreed he was working on it long before the Flaming Spittoon episode.
Well the next chapter will be up on Monday. Don't worry I made Sheldon grow a pair and stay put. He ran away from me twice and locked himself in his room curled up on his bed. Amy will have her turn next.