Living In My Sister's Shadow

by bornpuppetdiedcrying

Harou Fujioka, he's Haruhi's older twin brother and he doesn't show lots of his emotions. Harou and Haruhi look almost identical, except for the fact that Harou's hair is a dark brown and his brown eyes have a red sheen to them. And for poor Harou, he's always been living in his little sister's giant shadow. p.s i don't own OHSHC and this story is a SHONEN AI STORY. don't hate me

14. Chapter 14

LIMSS 14

Warning: Talk and thoughts of self-harm, much crying of protagonist, emotional confussion, anger, and possible feels.

Puppet: Lyrics are not mine and please enjoy the chapter.

"Hello"- song

"Hello"- talking

'Hello'- Thinking

It was the day after the Host club's Christmas party and I was lying awake on my bed. Coming home after the party was very interesting, I decided to stay in the horrible thing called a dress till I got home because I had absolutely no idea how to remove make up. Thankfully dad was up and he helped me get it all off my face. Now I've locked myself in my room because I feel sick, not sick to my stomach, I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Running a hand through my muddy brown hair I rest my arm over my eyes and bite my bottom lip, 'Damn it, why?' I asked myself in frustration, 'why am I feeling like this? Why do I just want to curl into a ball and cry? Why does my chest hurt so much?' small tear weld in my eyes as I rolled on my stomach and shoved my pillow in my face letting the soft material absorb the salty liquid leaking from my seemingly crimson eyes.

"Harou" Ranka asked from the other side of my door, "Haruhi and I are gonna go out for a couple hours, will you be fine on your own?"

"Yeah" I shouted trying to keep my voice as level as possible

"Alright, see you later!"

"Right… Bye…" I whispered sadly. Despite the fact that father and I have become friendlier with each other; I still can't help but feel so much loneliness. Clenching my eyes shut I reach out next to me and grab my iPod, popping the buds in my ears.

So many songs had passed and I stare blankly up at my celling. Getting out of bed to get something to eat I continued to listen to my music when a certain song struck my ears.

"Assuming, joking, spreading rumors, I can hear them so loud

They're gonna really make my whole mind wanna explode.

No matter what I do and ever try and wanna become,

This fighting fantasy"

The songs name was called 'Abstract Nonsense' and I could relate to every word, except maybe the gender part.

"My ears are picking up another kind of overused talk

This girl you see is just a monochrome puppet now

She's moving by a string cuz she can never stand on her own.

Keep changing symphony.

Ah, rate me and judge, that's all that you can do

Ah, make me and break me, now just put my worst year on repeat"

I clenched my pale fist and I felt myself start to tremble as I began to sing along with the heart wrenching lyrics

" It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Throwing just my head from out the glass

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

But I can't dare myself to die!"

Walking into the kitchen I opened the fridge and pulled out some Chocolate cake. Sure it was lunchtime but I was craving something incredibly sweet to hopefully lighten my mood. Pulling out a sharp knife from the cutlery drawer I felt the urge again.

"It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Wrists are getting sore from stabbing in

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

I'm just giving up and eating cake in the meantime"

You see when I was younger, even before middle school I started to cut myself. I was practically bullied since birth and my only salvation from the pain was my mother, but she died ten years ago. And those ten lonely years were so painful; I felt I didn't have a place in the world and that it'd be better off without me. Truth be told I tried to kill myself once when I was ten, I had taken too many sleeping pills and was hoping for that to end my life. But in the end I was taken to the hospital and the overdose was brushed off as an accident. The doctors didn't seem to notice my scars, but back then they were hardly noticeable since I had only started to cut but my depression had gone on much longer than that.

"All that I ever see is people being hung up so high,

And even though their screws are never ever ever too tight

And everyone is hiding secrets, under half hidden mask

Build your friend factory

I follow faulty rumors; rolling tongues are plagued lies.

Didn't you know, this girl's a media monkey now

She walks a path of the empty lies to never show her true smile

What a worthless industry"

Still now I'm depressed, I don't cut that much anymore; I tried to cut back because teachers started to notice and began to question me. The kids in school though didn't care; in fact my bully's would laugh and continue killing me both mentally and physically and would be happy that I was ruining my body. Marring it with hoards of pale scars,

"Ah, come here my dear; don't worry you'll be fine

Ah, how many times have I now killed myself, It never ends!"

Continuing to stare down at the knife my hands begin to shake uncontrollably and my line of vision blurs and shakes. I never wanted to become depressed, I never wanted to start seeing myself constantly bleed; subconsciously I never wanted to become a savior. I sometimes wonder where I'd be right now if my big brother instincts never kicked in all those years ago, that I'd let Haruhi feel all the pain I had for so long. I wonder if I'd feel all the guilt I have now from just a simple slap on the cheek.

"It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Stabbing my chest to run from pain

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

Now I think that I can take no more

It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Drowning even deeper in the pain

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

Only way to end is throwing me into hell"

Clenching my fist around the deadly bladed utensil, I clenched my teeth together and angrily slam the knife down into the wooden counter top. "Why?!" I cried out in agony, tears starting to stream down my face, "Why does my chest hurt so much?! Did I do something wrong? Did I commit a sin? Why am I the one in so much pain?! Why can't I find a way to apologize to him!" collapsing on my knees I pounded my fists on the floor and sobbed, "I wish I could just say I'm sorry and have everything be better, but it hurts just thinking about him… I ran away… that's all I do, I can only run. From my pain, my sorrow… And this love…"

"Ah, beg and then crave, how desperate am I now?

Ah, see and believe, this harm can't be undone; it's killing me!

It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Even if I try to run away

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

I can't get away, I'm stopping now"

Falling forwards onto the hard tiled ground I let my tears flow and form small pools. 'I'm so pathetic…' I thought quietly staring sadly up at the knife wedged into the counter top imagining crimson fluid running off it.

"It's all so meaningless, why can't I stop it then?

Aim a gun at my head soon to blow

It's all so tiring, I'm so sick of this

Even now I know it's just a thought but

It's freaking with my head, Just crying in the end

No one's gonna help, I know that well

My voice cracking kinda now, Sing it anyhow

Please don't look at me I'm just a piece of trash to you now"

'Why does it have to be him?' I asked miserably knowing what I deeply wished for would never happen

"If rain could just wash away my sin."

'If only I could say I'm sorry'