Hawkeye sat in the window seat looking out the window. It was inevitable, he supposed. He drifted back to the night he and BJ broke up. It was a Saturday night and BJ's parents – yes they really were named Bee and Jay – had come over for dinner. BJ had been on edge all week leading up to that night. Hawkeye had tried several times to get BJ to talk about what was bothering him but BJ had remained tight-lipped about it.

Not long after they became a couple while resting in bed after some passionate love-making BJ had confided to Hawkeye that he just wasn't close to his parents. Growing up his father had treated him like a possession, always with emphasis on the "my" when introducing him as "my son". To his mother BJ had been a direct reflection on what others thought of her. When BJ did something well she bragged about it but when BJ messed up his mother was embarrassed – "what will people think" she'd say. It had explained why BJ never wrote his parents while in Korea. BJ and his parents didn't really have much of a relationship and while BJ said he was fine with that Hawkeye suspected it bothered him on some level.

When BJ's parents arrived Hawkeye greeted them cordially and ushered them in. They hadn't been there 5 minutes when Bee Hunicutt had made a comment about the décor.

"The décor s fine mother, let it go." BJ had responded.

BJ's dad was a doctor also so Hawkeye diverted the conversation to the medical field and it had worked well until partway through dinner. There had been a break in conversation and Bee had dived right in.

"So Benjamin how much longer will you be staying here with BJ?" she asked. When BJ had introduced him as Hawkeye she had snorted and called him Benjamin ever since. While it grated on Hawk's nerves he figured it was a small price to pay.

"I'm sorry?" Hawkeye was confused. He lived here, why was she asking him how long he was staying?

"BJ tells me you moved here from Maine and would be staying with him for a while until you found a place. It's been several years. Surely it doesn't take that long to find your own place. And you with a doctor's salary no less."

Hawk put his fork down and turned to look at BJ sitting at the head of the table. BJ was looking down at his plate apparently engrossed in his food only he wasn't eating, wasn't even moving. Why wasn't BJ correcting his mother, why wasn't BJ looking at him?

Bee continued. "You know in my day men didn't live with other men. Well, only if they were family. Two grown men living together like this – really people are going to start talking you know. Why they might think you're . . . you know . . . " she leaned forward and whispered "that you might be homosexual. Why if that got around that would just be disastrous. What would our friends at the country club think?"

"BJ?" Hawkeye asked. He wanted BJ to look at him.

"I know a realtor Benjamin if you want to buy a small house. Really BJ, Benjamin's stayed here long enough don't you think? I don't know why you haven't insisted he move out by now."

BJ didn't answer, didn't even look up from his intent study of his plate. He had cleared maybe half his plate but hadn't taken one bite since his mother had taken over the conversation. Meanwhile Hawkeye continued to stare at him as cracks started opening in what he had thought was a perfect relationship.

Bee, apparently oblivious to the increasing tension between her son and his roommate (lover) went chatting on. "You remember Jack and Glenda's boy Ron? Well, he was caught in a compromising position with a "co-worker" of his. It ruined his career and him a dentist no less. He actually had to leave the state. I don't want your career ruined BJ – after all the money your father and I paid for your college education and all."

Hawkeye reached for his martini glass and drained it in one swallow. It was making sense now why BJ had been bothered all week. Apparently he had deliberately mislead his parents about their relationship and he had worried it would come out.

"We did pay a lot for your education son." Jay Hunicutt stated.

"Shouldn't you start dating BJ? You need to marry again. You have no idea what your father and I went through when people found out you had divorced. Couples don't get divorced – that's unheard of. When you marry, you marry for life. Isn't that right dear?" Bee was nodding as she spoke.

"It sure is." Jay replied. "Son I thought you had better sense. Divorce doesn't look good, and you a former military man too. You should have stayed together."

Bee nodded. "Now BJ I think you and I should discuss when Benjamin will be moving out don't you think?" She asked.

"BJ?!"

BJ finally looked up meeting Hawkeye's eyes. Hawkeye was angry while BJ looked . . . Hawkeye wasn't sure. It wasn't an expression he was quite familiar with. Was it embarrassment? Or shame?

Trying to escape those angry eyes boring into him BJ hurriedly got up and started clearing the table, picking up the dirty dishes. "Anyone up for desert?" he asked half-heartedly.

"Of course, dear. Some coffee would be nice too. And not that new instant stuff either but the good kind." This from Bee as Jay only nodded silently.

"No." Hawkeye replied. He pushed himself away from the table and got up. "I've had quite enough tonight. I think I'll retire to MY room for the night."

BJ flinched at Hawkeye's inflection of the word "my". Hawkeye was furious. BJ could read Hawkeye like a book. Hawk was restraining himself but just barely. His eyes were shooting daggers at BJ, his body was tense and his hands were shaking slightly. BJ hadn't seen Hawk this angry since the night the MPs had to restrain Hawkeye and take him to the mental asylum after driving the jeep through the wall of the officer's club. But Hawkeye had been repressing memories then. This time nothing was being suppressed and the anger was shooting out at BJ in droves.

BJ winced as Hawkeye abruptly left the dining room and headed into the hall and upstairs. BJ jumped slightly and gave a brief nervous smile (a grimace actually) as he faintly heard their bedroom door slam.

"Well really!" His mother exclaimed. "His manners were horrible. Honestly BJ I don't see how you've put up with him for so long. No wonder he's still single. No woman with decent taste would have him."

It took an hour and a half after Hawkeye had retreated to the bedroom before his parents ran out of things to say and had finally said their goodbyes and left. They had moved on from Hawkeye to Erin – they were upset of course that Erin wasn't there and did not understand why a weekend getaway with her best friend and their parents – which had been planned months in advance - could be more important than seeing her grandmother and grandfather.

BJ locked up the house for the night, turning off lights as he slowly made his way upstairs and down the hall to the bedroom. He opened the door and walked in. Hawkeye was sitting on the bed, his hands clasped between his legs starring at the floor. When Hawkeye finally looked up at him BJ's uneasiness deepened. Hawkeye's face was completely void of expression, giving nothing away, except for his eyes which burned with anger.

"You never told your parents about us."

It was a statement not a question but BJ answered anyway. "No." he said quietly.

"Why not?"

BJ shrugged. "I don't know." He said.

"That's the kind of answer a child gives. Why have you never told your parents about us? About me?" Hawkeye pressed.

BJ was looking at a fixed point above Hawkeye's head. "There just never seemed to be time I guess." He mumbled. Even to his own ears that sounded like a poor excuse.

Hawkeye nodded slowly. "Yes. I can see how in the 7 years we've been together you've not had even 10 minutes to pick up a phone and call your parents. I'm sure you couldn't spare a few minutes during one of their previous visits here either."

BJ didn't know what to say to that so he said nothing.

"What about your sister, have you told her?" Hawkeye asked.

BJ shook his head. "You don't understand Hawk. It's not that easy."

"Isn't it?" Hawkeye retorted. "Have you told anyone about us?" Hawkeye asked.

BJ was finally getting angry too. "My sex life is personnel. That's not something you share with people." BJ bit back. "You know full well what society thinks of two men being . . . together. What would you prefer I do, announce it on a bill board?"

Hawkeye finally stood up. "Come on BJ! That's not what I mean and you know it! I'm not talking about announcing it to the world. I'm talking about our families – those we're closest to." Hawkeye bit out angrily.

"In case you hadn't noticed Hawkeye my family isn't like yours! We don't hold hands and hug and offer unwavering support!"

"My family isn't perfect either BJ but at least I'm not lying to them!"

"What do you want from me Hawkeye?!"

"I want acknowledgement! I want your family to know I'm not just some roommate sponging off you!"

"We're together Hawk – isn't that enough? Isn't that all that matters?" BJ asked. BJ walked up to Hawkeye resting his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Hawkeye bit out. He flung BJ's hand off him, side-stepping away, putting several feet of distance between them. "Why haven't you told your parents and sister about us?"

"Hawk . . . it doesn't matter."

"Well it damn well matters to me!" Hawkeye retorted.

"It's not a big deal!" BJ exclaimed.

"Why haven't you told your family about us?" Hawkeye persisted, his voice unnaturally quiet.

"Because I'm embarrassed dammit!" BJ yelled.

Hawkeye jerked back, his face draining of color. He looked like he'd just been slapped. "Embarrassed?"

BJ blinked. He hadn't expected that to come out of his mouth but Hawkeye was persistent. Now he tried to back-peddle. "Hawk I didn't mean . . ."

Hawkeye interrupted. "You're embarrassed? Of me?" He was staring at BJ as if he had never seen him before. BJ wasn't meeting his eyes - he stood rooted in place, running his hand through his hair – a gesture he did when he was embarrassed or uncomfortable. "No. Not of me." Hawkeye said, watching him. "You're embarrassed of our relationship . . . of two men being together."

"Hawk . . . please, you don't understand."

Hawkeye felt like someone had just pulled the rug out from under him. He thought he had won the jackpot when BJ had finally admitted his feelings. Hawkeye had left his dad, his job, his friends, had even moved from one side of the country to the other all to be with BJ. He had sacrificed his life - seven years of it – to be with this man.

"You had no intention of ever telling anyone about us did you? And what about Erin – did you tell her not to say anything to others?" Hawkeye asked.

BJ shook his head. "It's not like that Hawkeye. You don't understand what it's like for me. It's different."

Hawkeye felt like he had just been stabbed in the heart with a scalpel. Actually that probably would have hurt less than what he was experiencing now.

"You lied to your parents and you lied to me."

"It's just . . . they don't need to know about our relationship."

"I won't be kept locked in a closet BJ." He moved to the dresser, picking up his wallet and car keys. He turned to walk silently out the door.

"Hawk . . . where are you going?" BJ asked anxiously.

Without pausing Hawkeye replied. "Out. Don't wait up."

Two days later Hawkeye resigned his position at the hospital, citing personnel reasons. He returned to the house only after he was sure BJ had left for work. He packed up his stuff – mostly clothes and medical journals, some music records, and pictures and left. He made arrangements to have his possessions shipped than sold his car to a dealership. He spent the night holed up in a hotel close to the airport and the next morning he boarded a plane and headed back home to Maine. He drank steadily on the flight, arriving in Maine drunk, unshaven and broken-hearted.

Daniel Pierce picked up his son and brought him home. After three months of watching his son drink himself senseless on an almost daily basis he finally caught his son one afternoon sitting on the beach in back of their home. His son was hung over but sober – and had a serious heart-to-heart with him. Hawkeye began helping his dad at his practice the following week and a month later got a job at the hospital in Portland. Six months after that he finally bought his own home on the beach.

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Now here he was several years later staying in the guest room of the house he had once shared with the love of his life.

Hawkeye got up, slowly pacing back and forth. His mind continued to be tortured by that night. Was he wrong to walk out as he had? Should he have stuck around and tried talking it out with BJ? He had never heard BJ's reasoning as to why he had kept the nature of their relationship quiet. Would that have made a difference? He had never recovered from that night, had finally realized that some time ago. He had lost a part of himself that night and he didn't know if he'd ever get it back. And what about BJ – had BJ been broken-hearted too when he found out Hawk had left? Did BJ think of him often? And if so was it with feelings regret and loss? BJ had some pictures of them still in his house – what did that mean?

Hawkeye sighed wearily and continued to pace back and forth long into the night. His mind was tortured with memories of Korea, of the 7 years they had spent together and the night it had all come crashing down. What did he do wrong, what could he have done different?

Sometime after 1:00am a weary Erin Hunicutt woke up from her doze on the couch. She got up, folded up the blanket, and made her way upstairs to her room. She paused outside the guest room – the door was slightly ajar allowing her a brief look into the room. Hawkeye was pacing back and forth, occasionally swiping his hand through his silver hair. Erin shook her head and went to her room. She laid in bed listening to the faint creaking of the floorboards from Hawkeye's pacing a shimmer of tears in her eyes as she remembered all the nights she had spent listening to her dad's pacing. She drifted off to sleep 30 minutes later.

tbc