Hawk was feeling restless and knew he had to get out of there and fast. He practically ran out of BJ's bedroom and had to remind himself not to slam the door behind him. He was a jumble of nerves. He peeked in on Erin and asked her to keep an eye on her dad for a while. He then went downstairs and grabbed his opened beer from the table and headed out the door.
He walked up and down the streets. He found himself in a park about 2 miles from the house. He had been here more times than he could count. He and BJ would come here with Erin when she was small. She always begged to be pushed on the swings, giggling in delight as Hawkeye pushed her higher and higher. BJ would lean against the pole on the side of the swings his arms and legs crossed, watching with that smile of his.
Hawk sat down on the park bench. He knew he and BJ needed to talk. He just wasn't sure what would come of that – correction – he wasn't sure what he wanted to come of it. Would they return to being friends – or something more? Admittedly it was the something more he wanted but he also didn't want to leave Maine and his dad again – especially since his dad was getting older.
There was also the question of their relationship. If things didn't work out between them this time and they separated again – well Hawkeye didn't think he could take further heartbreak where BJ was concerned. It had been hard on him when they had parted in Korea. Walking out on their relationship a few years ago had damn near killed him. He'd turned to drinking until his father had sat him down and had a talk with him.
"Hawkeye?"
He looked up, seeing a woman standing in front of him. It took a minute before he placed her – Maggie, the woman who had arrived at the hospital with Erin on Hawk's first day here. "Hi Maggie." He said quietly.
"Mind of I join you for a minute?" she asked.
Hawkeye gestured to the bench beside him. "Of course, please do"
She sat down next to him. "How's BJ doing?" she asked.
Hawkeye filled her on in BJ's condition.
"He misses you, you know." She said.
"I'm sorry?" Hawkeye questioned.
"I've known BJ for several years now. I would watch Erin after school and when he was called into the hospital for emergencies. We've become fairly good friends. He told me about you two."
"I'm surprised. It's been his practice in the past not to say anything." Hawkeye replied.
Maggie nodded. "I know." She said quietly. "The first time he told me about your relationship he was drunk. He let a lot slip that night. We've talked a few times since – he still loves you."
Hawkeye sat back and sighed heavily. "I'm not so sure about that."
Maggie smiled and patted him lightly on the arm. "I am." She said firmly. "It's in his eyes every time he mentions you. He told me he ruined the best relationship of his life. He's come to terms with himself, his family . . . you. It's not too late for you two, you know. Fight for what you want. I have to get going, it was nice meeting you." She got up and left quietly.
As twilight broke into his musings Hawkeye finally got up and wandered out of the park and back to the house. He had been gone for about 2 hours. No doubt BJ and Erin were eating dinner without him. He braced himself for their probing looks as he made the 35-minute walk back to the house. There was a car – a black Lincoln – parked in the driveway. BJ had a visitor.
Hawkeye opened the door to the house and stepped inside, shutting it behind him. He walked into the living room, pausing in the doorway as he heard a familiar voice. BJ was standing in front of the couch a frustrated expression on his face. An older man was standing next to a shorter woman – the woman was talking loudly shaking her finger at BJ. BJ's parents were here. "Oh lord, just what I don't need." Hawkeye thought to himself. He turned from the doorway intending to sneak quietly upstairs to the guest room but before he could move his presence was noticed by BJ's mother.
"YOU!" She screeched. "What are you doing here?"
BJ turned his head, seeing Hawkeye standing in the doorway.
"I'll go." Hawkeye said quietly.
"No." BJ said firmly. He moved around the couch to Hawkeye. "Please stay."
Hawkeye's face had taken on that shuttered look again – he was masking his feelings.
"BJ I don't want him here!" his mother protested.
BJ laid his hand gently on Hawk's shoulder as he responded. "I don't care what you want mother. He is my . . . dearest friend and will always be welcome in my home. If you don't like it you can leave." BJ may have been responding to his mother but he was looking at Hawkeye when he spoke.
Bea harrumphed loudly. Hawkeye and BJ both ignored her for the moment. Hawkeye's face was expressionless, revealing nothing. Only a faint tick above his right eyebrow gave any indication of emotion. BJ's face by comparison was incredibly pale and his eyes expressed an odd mix of pleading and determination.
Hawkeye nodded once in acknowledgement. "You look like you're going to pass out. Are you okay?"
"I'll be okay. Their appearance – along with my dream this morning - triggered my memories from the day of the accident. My last meeting with them wasn't . . . very pleasant."
"Where's Erin?"
"I sent her to her friend's house when they arrived."
"If you two are done ignoring me over there . . ." Bea interrupted.
BJ turned from Hawkeye to his parents. "Why are you here?" he asked.
"Your father and I were concerned about you. We came to see how you were doing. I can't believe you would even ask me that."
"I was in the hospital for 6 days. If you were truly concerned about me you would have called or come to visit." BJ replied quietly.
"Really BJ it's not like we can just drop everything and come running. And after the way you treated us, spoke to us the night of your . . . accident well what do you expect?"
BJ sighed. "I'm dealing with the after effects of a headache and I'm tired. Please get to the real point of your visit."
"Jay, do you hear how our son is speaking to me? This Benjamin is such a negative influence. I should have known from your visit last week that he was back."
"Your mother's right BJ, you aren't yourself. You never should have gone to Korea. Because of Korea you have divorced and hooked up with Benjamin" Jay Hunnicut added.
"Going to Korea was hardly my choice. And hooking up with Hawkeye is the smartest thing I ever did. I made a big mistake not going after him a few years ago." BJ again was looking at Hawkeye as he spoke.
"BJ you aren't really going to pursue a relationship with this . . . character are you?" Jay asked.
"I told you a week ago what my intentions where. It is not up for discussion nor am I asking for your approval."
"He is hardly the proper influence in Erin's life. We cannot allow you to expose her to such an indecent relationship. She will have to come live with your father and me." Bea was saying.
BJ shook his head. "Erin's not going anywhere, she stays with me."
"I'm sure her mother wouldn't appreciate this. Would she Jay?"
"No I don't think so." Jay agreed. "I thought you had more sense than this BJ. What has gotten into you?" Jay asked.
Hawkeye was stunned. Sure BJ had told him he didn't come from a supporting family but this was so very different from what he had imagined. How BJ had grown up to be such a caring, compassionate person was a mystery to him.
"Peg hasn't been in contact with Erin in over 10 years. Hawkeye and I are the ones who have been here for her, loving, supporting and nurturing her. Hawkeye has been much more of a parent to her than her own mother has."
Bea started crying. Jay wrapped one arm around her, consoling her. He turned to BJ. "We cannot condone this immoral relationship. If you persist in this behavior, BJ, if you persist in this relationship with this man then you give us no choice. You are no longer part of this family."
"BJ please . . . don't do this to your father and me." His mother pleaded.
"What about what you're doing to me?" BJ asked quietly. "You want me to deny who I am and you want to take my daughter away from me. I lost the love of my life because I was trying to gain your approval. If you can't support me and appreciate me for who I am then I don't need you in my life."
"You are dead to us." Bea exclaimed.
She moved past the couch passing through the living room into the front entry way and out the front door with Jay right behind her.
Several minutes passed before BJ finally spoke. "Well, that's that." He said.
Hawkeye moved into the living room as BJ finally turned around to look at him. "Maybe you should go after them."
"No Hawkeye. I don't fit into their life and they . . . well, they don't fit into mine either. Nothing I've ever done has measured up to their standards. I spent 2 years in a war zone and not once in all that time did they ever write to ask how I was doing. Colonel Potter has been more of a father to me than my own father ever was." BJ moved to the chair and sat down, gesturing to Hawk to join him.
After a brief hesitation Hawk moved to the other chair and sat, drumming his fingers on the armrest.
"Hawk the two biggest mistakes I made in my life were not telling my parents about us and not going after you when you left 4 years ago. Every day since then I've kicked myself over that."
"Why didn't you come after me?" Hawkeye asked quietly.
BJ sighed, absently running a hand over his pained ribs. "I was awake all night waiting for you to come back. I went looking for you on Sunday, looked everywhere I could think of. I rushed home from work that Monday hoping you would be here but when I noticed your things were gone . . . I called the hospital and they told me you'd resigned. That's when it sunk in just how deeply I had hurt you. I was afraid that you would reject me if I came after you. And then there were my parents. I was still struggling trying to come to terms with them."
"None of our Mash friends have asked about you or why I suddenly moved back home to Maine." Hawkeye said, a question in his tone.
"I told them I'd ruined our relationship and to not ask you about it unless you brought it up and wanted to talk. I didn't want anyone bothering you about it."
"I messed up to." Hawkeye admitted. BJ looked at him questioningly. "I didn't stay to hear you out. I kept hearing you saying you were embarrassed. I focused on that and on the fact that you had lied to me."
"I was wrong to lie to you. I knew my parents probably wouldn't take the news well but instead of discussing it with you I instead chose to bury it." BJ stared intently into Hawkeye's blue eyes. "Hawkeye you need to know this. I have never been embarrassed of you, of loving you, of our relationship. Ever! It was my parents' and their reaction I was embarrassed of."
Hawkeye read the intensity in BJ's eyes, heard the honesty in the tone of his voice. He nodded slowly. "Okay, BJ. So where do we go from here?"
"I want you in my life Hawkeye Pierce."
"As a friend or as - something more?" Hawkeye was staring intently at him.
"You are my soul-mate, Hawkeye. You're the only one I want to spend my life with. I had plans to go to Maine in July to fight for you."
Hawkeye wanted to believe him but he was also skeptical. BJ saw his skepticism and smiled slightly. "Erin is going on a camping trip with her friend and their family in July. On the day of my accident I bought a plane ticket to Maine for the same week – its sitting in my desk drawer. I went to see my parents that evening and gave my father a check paying him back for medical school and to tell them that I was going to Maine to try to get you back."
"That's what you argued with them about? Me?" Hawkeye was suddenly feeling guilty and responsible for BJ's parents walking out on him.
BJ reached out taking Hawkeye's hand in his own, clasping it. "No. We argued about me. My parents are very close-minded people. I don't fit into their definition of what is socially acceptable. They needed something to blame for it so they chose to blame it on Korea and you."
Before Hawkeye could formulate a reply the front door opened and closed and Erin appeared in the living room a minute later. "I'm hungry. What are we having for dinner?" she asked. Seeing her dad holding Hawkeye's hand she grinned. "Well that's an improvement!" she commented.
BJ grinned while Hawkeye just shook his head. "Maybe we can go out." BJ said.
Hawkeye silently studied BJ. It was true BJ looked like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But he was still very pale and he sometimes rubbed his hand over his ribs. Hawkeye suspected BJ was still nursing a headache. "You need some rest BJ. I'll go make us some dinner."
BJ gave Hawkeye's hand a final pat and released it. Hawkeye went into the kitchen and 25 minutes later they were at the table eating Hawkeye's famous French toast. They watched a little tv after and then all went to bed.
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The next 3 days passed quickly. BJ was doing better every day and Hawkeye kept a close watch on his head which was also healing nicely.
While Erin was at school BJ and Hawkeye spent a lot of time talking. BJ disclosed to Hawkeye his childhood and college years and Hawkeye came away with a better understanding of what made BJ tick. And in true Hawkeye fashion when things got too intense or uncomfortable he would steer their discussion to other things such as the pranks they'd pulled on each other in Korea, their MASH friends, etc. They became more comfortable around each other, slipping into their old familiar camaraderie.
The evenings were spent with Erin in the living room chatting about school or watching television.
On Friday afternoon Hawkeye drove them to the local diner for lunch then to the doctor for BJ's follow-up appointment. The doctor deemed BJ out of danger and no longer in need of 24-hour care. He was ordered to one more week of rest before he could return to work. Both BJ and Hawkeye were silent after leaving the doctor's.
Hawkeye drove them back to the house. They were back 10 minutes when the phone rang. BJ answered. "Hello? Hi sir."
Hawkeye listened quietly for a few minutes. The caller knew BJ and from BJ's end of the conversation was obviously asking BJ about his condition and how he was doing. Finally BJ held the phone out to Hawkeye. "It's your dad." He said.
Hawkeye took the call, greeting his dad warmly. They spoke for several minutes, Hawkeye ending the call by promising to call his dad back with his travel arrangements. "I need to call the hospital." He told BJ. BJ nodded and left the living room to give Hawkeye some privacy.
Hawkeye called the hospital and spoke for about 10 minutes regarding a patient. After that he called the airline and scheduled a flight back to Maine for the next day. He found BJ 5 minutes later sitting on the porch swing. Hawkeye sat on the porch railing across from him. "I need to go back." He said quietly. "They have a chest case needing surgery. They're working on getting him stabilized and need me to operate either Sunday or Monday. I have a flight scheduled for tomorrow." He said.
BJ nodded. "Of course. You're needed." BJ couldn't help but be disappointed – he wasn't ready for Hawkeye to leave. They still hadn't discussed the future of their relationship.
"You'll be okay?" Hawkeye asked.
"I'll be fine. My ribs are still a bit sore but I'm back on the mend."
That evening at BJ's insistence they went out to dinner. They went to a quiet Italian restaurant where Hawkeye entertained Erin with stories of the pranks he and BJ pulled while over in Korea. The evening passed quickly.
In bed later on BJ lay awake all night listening to the faint sound of Hawkeye's pacing.
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Goodbyes at the airport the next morning were bittersweet. Erin flung herself into Hawkeye's arms hugging him fiercely. "I'm so glad you came. I've missed you so much, daddy Hawk."
"I've missed you too. Keep in touch okay, let me know how school's going." He said as he hugged her back. She nodded and finally stepped back away from him.
He turned to BJ, unsure whether he should offer his hand for a handshake or go for a hug. Things were still up in the air with them – they hadn't discussed the future of their relationship.
BJ reached out, both hands grasping Hawkeye's in a heart-felt hand-shake. "Thanks for coming Hawkeye. Call me tonight so I know you made it home safe."
Hawkeye nodded. "Take care, BJ. Don't overdo things."
BJ released Hawkeye and stood back next to Erin, watching as Hawkeye turned and moved towards the boarding gate. He felt like his heart was breaking all over again.
Hawkeye slowly walked towards the gate. Dammit, this wasn't how he wanted this to go. He stopped after only taking 15 steps. He took a deep breath and turned walking back to BJ and Erin. BJ moved forward a few steps meeting him. "So you were coming for me in July huh?"
BJ nodded. He didn't trust his voice enough to speak.
"Don't let that plane ticket go to waste BJ. I'll treat you to a lobster dinner, okay?"
BJ grinned. "That sounds great, Hawkeye."
Hawkeye smiled back in response. Before he lost his nerve he embraced BJ in a quick, heartfelt hug then released him and turned rapidly walking to the gate.
tbc