There was nothing much Fili remembered before his brother was born. Just bits and pieces of a darker time. A time without laughter and smiles.
He remembered his mother crying. It felt like she always did those days.
Her gentle face, once full of life, had turned into a grimace of misery and pain. The dark circles under her eyes grew with every night and her now dull hair hung uncared over her slim shoulders. Fili was worried. His mother looked thin and pale, even with the huge stomach of hers...
She was sick, uncle Thorin had told him. Healers were now constantly rushing in and out of their home. Fili had heard them whispering in the dark of madness and death and it made his heart sink even more.
No day went by without shedding tears and Fili felt so alone. He didn't know what to do. How he could help, or made it better.
He remembered uncle Thorin moving in, taking care of both of them. But it wasn't the same...never would be.
Not so long ago everything was fine. His mother had told him he would soon be a big brother and not a single day had passed without him kissing his mommy's big tummy, smiling bright, while telling the baby in there to hurry up and come out and play. He would even share his toys!
Fili desperately missed those times. Times when he was sitting safe between his parents, with a warm fire crackling and his ear pressed against his mother's stomach, feeling the soft little kicks of his sibling. It had always made him happy. Back then he was very excited. He couldn't wait for his brother to come out, and so was everyone else. They would have so much fun together, he thought by himself.
Mom once asked him what he would do if it would be a little sister instead of a baby brother.
"It has to be a boy! Girls are yucky." He had solemnly replied, which made both of his parents laugh fondly.
Now his mother barely spoke to him anymore, he barely saw her and she never smiled.
At the rare times when she had held him in her arms, crying for hours, he couldn't feel his baby-brother moving inside of her anymore and he didn't care...
"What name should we give him?" His father had wondered out loud.
Fili had thought long and deep over the question.
"Kili!" He finally said. "Cause it rhymed with Fili."
The logic behind that was flawless and his dad had ruffled his hair with affection.
"We will see about that little one." He had said.
"You don't like the name?" Fili had given him the best pouty face he could and his father had assured him that it was a wonderful name and that he would seriously consider it.
Now his father was dead. He would never come back. Never smile at him again and never be there. At least that was what they had told him, but Fili didn't believe it. Not a single word. He was sure his father would come home. He always did. So he had waited for him, even when they told him not to. He had waited all by himself. Alone and crying.
And then there was the funeral. His mother didn't want him to go, but uncle wouldn't have any of it.
"Let the boy say his goodbyes." He had told her in a firm voice. There was no room for discussions this time.
The next day Fili went down with them into the deep halls of their ancestors. Foreign sounding Songs for the dead had echoed from cold stone walls. It had almost sounded like a long forgotten lullaby to him. He watched the lifeless body of his father being buried in a crypt, always cautious not to let go of his uncles strong hand.
They said he died with honor. Fili hadn't known what that meant. He still wasn't sure.
Once they came back home his mother had stared at him for a long uncomfortable moment. She hadn't said anything, but when she suddenly reached out with her skinny hand, he had flinched at her touch. She didn't noticed. Instead Dis just stroke over his blond hair, whispering his father's name over and over again.
This night Fili had woken by nightmares. There were a lot of them lately. He went to his uncle's room, searching for comfort in the dark hours. The little dwarf was not surprised to see him with his mother in his arms. She was crying herself into sleep like any other night.
Fili would never forget how she looked up at his uncles face and said in a dead voice:
"I can't. I just can't do it without him Thorin...It's too much."
AN:
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