"Its early in the morning, sun is rising just now. I think its a Sunday, the only day you wouldn't wake up at the crack of dawn to practice something that was your second nature. All the whooshing of the sword and you moving smooth and suave and so deliciously hot! I have always been half convinced that it was only to impress the ladies that were sure to be ogling you while collecting water.
It looks like it would be a warm beautiful day, and the only thing i can think of doing right now, the thing i want more than anything i have ever wanted in my life, is to sneak into your room and open the curtains and watch you squirm as sunlight falls on your face, until you wake up with your bed hair and your scrunched-up disgruntled face. I never got to tell you, but you are adorable when you are all grumpy and sleepy and throwing things at my head and calling me the worst servant in the history of the world...
Oh there i go again… using present tense for you ,sorry, i am still not used to you being dead…thats me, forgetful dumb idiot, YOUR forgetful dumb idiot"
Arthur wakes up slowly, not even slightest bit surprised to find his eyes wet and his pillow soaked. In the past week it had become kind of a routine. A week, has it really been that little a time? To him it felt like a couple of decades have passed, decades of waiting, punctuated only by letters from Merlin.
He got up from bed to make tea, before he gets dragged into another dream or a vision. Feeling exhausted and drained he decided to get something to eat as well. He had barely eaten anything in the last couple of days, pulled again and again into memories of sitting along the banks of Avalon, watching lifetimes go by.
After tea and halfway through his sandwich, he blacked out for a moment…
"Psst...Arthur! Arthur! I am eating rat stew right now! Remember rat stew? It still tastes as gross as it did before"
Another ridiculous memory, another ridiculous letter. Arthur threw his head back and laughed; laughed until the chuckles turned into sobs and he choked up. It was just food down the wrong pipe. Nothing else.
The dreams kept coming… the lake of Avalon never changed, neither did the trees, nor the sky, but each letter was different, each leaving a different kind of pain.
"Chased away a deer before a hunter could make a kill shot today! Reminds me of how you killed a unicorn once! Only you will be enough of an asshat to kill a unicorn, Arthur Pratdragon! Thats what you should've been called, i think someone made an error in naming you."
"I dreamt of your death again today. Youre dead! I still can't believe it even though you died in my arms! I let you down, i am sorry. I was supposed to protect you, i am sorry. It's my fault. I am so so sorry"
"I remember the day i first met you! You were such an ass. Oh i hated you! I hated you so much. And when Kilgharrah told me it was my destiny to protect you, I scoffed, because the idea seemed so absurd. Me? Protect a prat like you...Never!"
"I am sorry i couldn't protect you...i am sorry i failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. And my punishment is to live on without you."
Merlin kept writing, and Arthur kept dreaming. He wrote about everything, from description of what grass felt like under his feet to the changing world, to the battles ensuing. He wrote of the new blooms, or of chill of winters, he wrote of changing color of the sky and of smoke in the air.
He also wrote of witch hunts! Those were the days when Arthur refused to sleep because he was terrified of not dreaming. What if Merlin was caught, and burned alive, screaming while his flesh were the nights Arthur prayed, knowing its pointless because all of this had happened centuries ago, but it was happening to him now, right now, at this minute, and he could not stop it. So he prayed, and stayed up till his eyelids drooped, and was always always relieved to find another letter from Merlin, sometimes distraught with the memories of the screams of his brothers and sisters and the smell of their burning flesh,and sometimes so carefree that Arthur wanted to smack him on the head and tell him he had always been a shitty liar and either he get better at it, or stop making a fool of himself.
He also really really wanted to hug him.
Another day, another fragment of time unending, and the message went,
"I went to a new village today, to get some clothes because the ones i was wearing are so ragged and flimsy now that i fear i would make a maiden cover her eyes and run away in fear and shame if she clapped eyes on me. I met a boy. Blond, arrogant, with blue eyes; So much like yours but still so different. Yours are like an ocean during a storm, his were like the sky on a clear day. I liked him."
A few days later,another letter from Merlin goes,
"I went back to the village. I had to see that boy again. I needed to! I went to a pub with him, drank ale, until the color of his eyes blurred enough to be mistaken as yours. He ran his fingers through my hair, and on my lips, told me i was beautiful (I think he was a little bit sloshed too). Nobody has ever told me i am beautiful , so when he bent forward , slotting our lips together was so very easy. I have never kissed a boy before you know. I had always wondered what your lips would feel like, you have such soft looking lips, but i have a feeling that they must feel very different than a girl's. His did."
This time when Arthur woke up, it wasn't slow or peaceful, but angry,hurt and with something twisting in his gut, making him feel nauseous. He barely had enough presence of mind to head to the toilet until he started retching like mad and puked his guts out. Pushing himself off the floor he knew what he had to do, he needed to drink! He had a feeling he can't be sober for the next letters.
"Its been a couple of days, i didn't write because i didn't know what to write. I chickened out that night when he asked me whether i wanted to go to his place, but i can't seem to forget what his lips felt like. How they might be similar to yours! I can't have you, i could never have had you. You were the beloved prince, the anticipated King, and i was your was never my place to want anything more than friendship. But want i did! I have never been the one to listen to reason afterall. I can't stop thinking this is all i might ever get. Not you, a shadow of you, but its better than nothing at all "
"I went back there today, we went to a pub again, and this time i was the one who kissed him, and when he asked me to go back to his place, i didn't say no. It was your hands i imagined in my hair as i sucked him off, it was your fingers that breached me, you are the one who took me, and it was your name i screamed when i fell of that edge. But he wasn't you. Nobody can ever be you."
" I moved away from the village, from all village. I have a constant itch under my skin, like i am soiled, dirty. No amount of washing helps, because i have scrubbed myself until i bled. I don't want to be seen by anyone for a while, and i am too ashamed to write to you anymore as well."
There were no more dreams, no more messages from Merlin for a while. The first night Arthur slept and didn't wake up prematurely, he expected to feel relieved. He didn't. Because while he did not dream of time long past and things that happened,he dreamt of a faceless man, with his arms around Merlin,his Merlin! With his lips on Merlin's skin, and his hands in his hair,and he burned :burned with envy and desire and all consuming sided conversations with Merlin were a far better way to spend the night then this.
The second dreamless night amazed Arthur and after the 3rd Arthur began to worry. What if something had happened to Merlin, what if he was dead. He had estimated that every day for Arthur had been equivalent of at least a couple of years for Merlin, and for him to not write in this long a time… He dared not think of what it could mean.
Arthur figured he would go mad if he stayed in the hotel with this unbearable silence surrounding him, so he started sightseeing. He was in currently staying in a small village in Italy, so he boarded the next train to Florence, and then to Venice and in the end Rome. Everywhere he went he could feel his constant companion by his side, making snide comments about statues, (That...cannot be comfortable. Human back is not supposed to bend that much?) , or ( I accept that a person's manhood is a sign of virility but did they have to display them so openly?) and on one memorable occasion Arthur could swear he heard distinct spluttering and a (THAT IS A FIG LEAF INSTEAD OF A CROTCH! A FIG LEAF!). It felt like Arthur's subconscious had a voice,Merlin's voice, one Arthur's conscious could have really normal conversations with.
"Can my Lord guess whether that is a painting of a man or a woman?"
"I always knew you were unobservant but come one, you have eyes too...Its definitely a woman, look at her boobs for gods sake"
"But sire, look at it's crotch!"
And there indeed, was the proof of manhood of the generously endowed woman/man! When Arthur burst out laughing, he could distinctly hear his subconscious laughing too.
And because of this, Arthur didn't realize how much he missed real Merlin, the Merlin who wasn't his subconscious or a figment of his imagination, but real Merlin, who was waiting for Arthur, writing to him, until he was standing in front of Colosseum one day,blacked out for a moment and was back on the banks of the lake reading a letter saying…
"I miss you…i miss you so goddamn much"
If people made fun of him for having tears in his eyes and smile on his lips during the tour, well then, he couldn't say he minded that.
A/N: The angst is killing me! I am so sorry! Also, if you read it and like it, or if it breaks your heart a little bit, do leave reviews. I will love you forever!