TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS.

The messages kept coming, they didn't have the same regularity or intensity as before, arthur assumed it was because either Merlin was tired of having one sided conversation, or because he was out of new things to say. But they kept coming. Sometimes he will not be able to have a peaceful night's sleep even once in a week, but sometimes he would hardly get a single dream in days . The content of the message varied too, sometimes it was so ridiculous that against all reason it cheered him up, for example once he wrote

"So i fell from a tree today, and before you ask why i was on a tree, i was sleeping there!I also i might have accidentally taken down a birds nest with me mama bird is not happy with me."

And the idea of him sleeping on a branch was so Merlin, that Arthur couldn't help the fond smile he carried the entire day.

But on the other hand, sometimes the messages made him want to take a sword and run it through his heart because he was certain that would hurt less. Merlin's words still haunted him sometimes during the dreamless days when he had said,

"I stubbed my toe on a stone today, its bleeding. If you were here you would call me a clumsy idiot and bandage it for me because i can't even be trusted with such a basic task, won't you? Call me a clumsy idiot .I need to hear don't you? Arthur! Please?"

God! How he wanted to. How desperately he wanted to call out and tell Merlin that he's here. He's alive. He's waiting! How he ached with the need to reassure Merlin that he had not failed him, that Arthur had not abandoned him, that Arthur loved him. And sometimes he just wished he could ask Merlin to stop; stop sending these god damned letters that kept tearing his heart and his sanity to shreds with every word.

But he could not do any of those things, so he just waited. Like he had done for hundreds of years in heaven, or wherever it was. Like Merlin had done all those years on earth, and told himself it would be over soon. It had to be. Meanwhile he kept going across the world and sending postcards home, just to let everyone know he was still alive.

"You know people use guns nowadays, guns! One never even has to get close to an enemy during a fight! How is that even fighting anymore, it's just point and press a button. If you were here i am sure you would severely disapprove."

"I sometimes think of of your hair you know? They were blond! You know they say a thing about blondes they are dumb. I think somebody passed on the information from your time Arthur, why else would they come to such accurate conclusions."

"I wonder if you are ordering the angels about in heaven as well. I can't imagine a lazy royal arse like you ever making food for yourself, or doing laundry. I pity the angels. Why can't they hurry up and kick your ass back down and let me worry about it!"

"Why is the world being so slow in needing you again. Sometimes i think of destroying half the world just so that heavens can finally decide its time for you to come back. You know i can. I am the most powerful sorcerer to walk to earth after all. Only not powerful enough to bring you back"

"Come back Arthur, please come back."

Arthur was a wreck. He had lost weight, none of his clothes fit him anymore; there were dark circles around his eyes, his skin was dry and cracked, and his hair had lost all its lustre. Where once everyone who looked at him told him that he was gorgeous, he was fairly certain now he looked like a homeless demented person.

He thought nothing could get worse than this , but then Merlin's messages started sounding more and more he couldn't face the world alone anymore, like one sided conversation just wasn't enough anymore.

"Are you even there Arthur. I have been writing to you for centuries, are you even listening?"

"YES , YES! I AM LISTENING MERLIN, I AM HERE…" Arthur wanted to shout! And then he did. He screamed the words to the skies till he grew hoarse.

A few nights later he found a parchment, which for the first time since he had started dreaming of those, wasn't dry and crisp, but soaked with blotches of water. Tears, his mind told him, these were Merlin's tears..

"Please Arthur, I can't do this anymore. I can't go on with life not knowing when you will come back, or if you ever will. I just need to know you are there, like me, waiting . I need to know i am not alone. I am begging you, please!"

When Arthur woke up , he started writing. He wrote of how much he missed Merlin; how he ached with the desire to see him,hear him; how Merlin was the closest friend he had ever had, how he wished he could do it all over again because Merlin wasn't just his friend, but more...much much more. How he had always thought Merlin's eyes were the most beautiful shade of blue and his cheekbones were gorgeous and his smile the most mesmerizing thing in the world, but he dared not say anything; how he wish he had said something then. How desperately he wanted to tell him those things now, whisper them against Merlin's skin until he believes them.

Arthur wrote till his hand started cramping, and then wrote some more, till the daylight faded and darkness crept in. He kept writing and his tears kept soaking through the pages , until he collapsed from exhaustion.

But Arthur was no magician. There were dozens of pages strewn across his desk, but nowhere to send them to, and even if he had, his treacherous brain told him, that Merlin had needed him a long long time ago. This was too little too late.

It didn't stop him from taking the letters to the nearest lake and just putting them in the water. It was useless, but it made him feel fractionally better.

He was out buying groceries when the next couple of letters came,

"I have been trying Arthur. Its difficult, watching everything you were, just fading away, everyone you come to know dying, and you still living on. Even my hair don't grow white, my face haven't changed. I am like a fragment of past, stuck in the whirlwind of time. I am losing, i can't do this anymore Arthur. I can't live like this anymore"

"You know how much I wish i was the one that died instead of you? How much i still wish for death. How difficult it is to resist the temptation of jumping off a cliff, or shooting myself with those easy to use guns. Its becoming more and more difficult to resist them. I don't know why i keep fighting it anyway, other than the thought of disappointing you when you finally get your ass down here and finding out that i am dead."

"I am sorry Arthur…"

Arthur was in the middle of picking strawberries, when his legs gave out and his heart stopped, and darkness descended. Complete blessed darkness.

"Arthur, Arthur... wake up."

Opening his eyes to the bright white walls, and whirring of machines, Arthur realized that he was in a hospital. He also realized there was someone holding his hand.

"Gwaine? What are you doing here?"

"You put my name under your emergency contacts you dick! Do you have any idea how much you scared me?" It was indeed Gwaine.

"Sorry, i just didn't want anyone to call father in case of emergency. You know how he is"

"Yeah, I know" Gwaine sighed. "What happened Arthur, you look like a monster ate you and then spit you out."

Arthur laughed, it sounded hollow to his own ears too , and then he looked at Gwaine, saw the concern in his eyes, and couldn't stop his eyes from welling up.

"I am a mess Gwaine, and i don't know what to do" he choked out.

He then told Gwaine everything, from the dreams of his past to the letters to Merlin's latest messages. All the time Gwaine kept holding his hand, squeezing it whenever it became too difficult for Arthur to go on. When he was done, it felt like he had no energy left, and he closed his eyes in exhaustion, and whispered…

"I know you probably think i am crazy, or i am hallucinating, but i can promise you… its all true"

"I know princess, i believe you"

"You do" Arthur's eyes flew open, "Why?"

"Lets just say i have been having some weird dreams of my own lately, dreams that don't seem like dreams...and your story fills up all of the missing pieces of the puzzle. We both can't be hallucinating the same thing now, can we?"

"Oh"

"Yeah! So what are you gonna do Arthur?"

"I am gonna wait. What else can i do, and i swear to God if Merlin is dead, i will kill him myself!"

"I remember Merlin" Gwaine chuckled, "He isn't the one to give up on stuff. He will be alright."

"Yeah… he better be"

Exhausted, Arthur closed his eyes. Before he knew it, he was fast asleep. No dreams disturbed him.

A week passed, and then a month! And no news from Merlin. Arthur refused to believe that Merlin was dead. Instead he kept writing stuff like "Don't be dead!", "I would hate you if i found out you offed yourself after making me wait this long" ,"Don't you dare die on me you bastard!"... And sometimes he would just whisper, in the darkness of the night, before falling asleep, when he knew no one would listen, "Please don't be dead Merlin, I am waiting"

It was his birthday, so he stayed up late in the bar, gulping down drink after drink and was well on his way to be completely pissed. He looked around the bar and considered flirting with someone, taking them to his hotel and drowning his misery in something other than alcohol. He wasn't a virgin by any means, he had had his fair share of experimentation during high school. Gwaine often told him that the only reason Gwaine had had more booty than him was because Gwaine swung both ways while Arthur was allergic to boobs. But ever since he had started hearing from Merlin, he couldn't imagine looking at anyone else. He couldn't forget how he felt when Merlin told him about that man with blue eyes in that bar, how sick it had made him. But right now, he could do with some unwinding.

He spotted a guy on the other side of the counter, lean and tall, with brown tousled hair. They were lighter than Merlin's were, but in the dim light, it would be hard to tell the difference. Arthur was just gathering the resolve to make his move when suddenly he found himself on banks of Lake Avalon again.

There was a parchment on the surface of the water.

With trembling fingers, he reached out and unrolled it…

"I hate you Pendragon, I fucking hate you!"

He started laughing! Perfect cockblocking timing: something Merlin had always excelled at!Oh Thank God! Thank God!

Finishing his drink , he rushed back to his motel, eager to sleep, and listen to what Merlin had to say!

"I tried you know! I TRIED! I jumped off the cliff, and woke up on the side of a shore a couple of weeks later.I slit my wrists, died of blood loss i think, but woke up with bandages around the minor cuts on my wrists. I stood in front of a train but it screeched to halt before it hit me. I tried to shoot myself in the head and woke up in a hospital with a minor concussion! A CONCUSSION! I HAD SHOT MYSELF!

I HATE MAGIC! AND I HATE YOU! Why the fuck can't i even die without you, you fucking cocksucker assface dickhead!"

"I couldn't die! It was my destiny to live to protect you, I failed in protecting you but i guess destiny is punishing me by not letting me weasel my way out of living to see and protect you again! Figures destiny would be on your side too. You were always everyone's favourite. So while you get to sleep and be reborn when the time is right ,all well rested, us mere immortal beings have to live through civilizations building and crumbling just waiting for your privileged ass to finish their beauty nap"

"Why couldn't we both die and be reborn again! WHY NOT? THATS A MORE LOGICAL SOLUTION ISN'T IT? DESTINY IS STUPID! I BET ITS BLONDE"

"I hate you so much you know! I don't love you even half as much as i hate you"

"I am glad i didn't die, because it means i will see you again!"

Merlin whined for days, (which Arthur supposed was a lot more on his end but Merlin had always been persistent when he was complaining about something), and Arthur had never been happier in his life than he was to sleep fitfully and listen to Merlin rage about how fate and destiny did favouritism and it was probably Arthur's perfect lips and face that made him get preferential treatment and how destiny must be a woman, or a very very gay man!

After that life continued as normal as it had been for almost the entire last year. His father started calling insistently, asking him to come back, because college admissions were due soon, and he can't be this fickle and waste more time. He was a Pendragon, he should show more responsible a behaviour than that.

Arthur knew it was time to head back home, but he was waiting for something. He didn't know what, but he was sure it was close. One day he woke up grinning…

Merlin had said last night… "Its time Arthur, its time for you to come. The world needs you now, I can feel it in the air i breathe. Soon, we will be breathing in same oxygen Arthur. Soon, you will be here."

He packed his bags and booked a ticket back home. It was time to become something Merlin can be proud of when he finally found him.

A/N :Angst finished..:D Next chapter would be much less angst, much more reward for bearing with me through this painful narrative... Its been very difficult to write!.. Do tell me what you thought of it..:D