A/N I am so sorry for the delay but I had no time at all to write with finals at Uni and starting my new summer job. I'll try to do better from now on! I really hope you'll like this chapter. I love hearing what you think so please don't be shy and leave a review! Also, a big thank you to Cls2011 for all the help!

Chapter 4

Mary was standing in front of Matthew's door. She hadn't knocked yet. She was frozen, right there on the spot. She thought about turning back, she didn't owe him any explanation after all. They were barely acquaintances, weren't they? It would be so much easier, to just run away.

But she couldn't. It wouldn't be right. Not after all that he had done for her. They were… friends. He told her that. And maybe there was something else, something she couldn't explain. But still something strong enough, that she was standing on his doorstep at 6:30 a.m. It definitely wasn't a proper hour to knock on someone's door, but staying in bed seemed impossible that morning, she kept thinking about what she was going to say to Matthew, how she was going to explain everything, (and she also needed to leave the house before all her family awoke). But now she was nervous. Being nervous was not a common state of being for Mary Crawley, which made the situation even worst.

She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. One. Two. Three. And then she knocked. But nothing happened. So she knocked again, and again. He couldn't be gone so early in the day could he? Or maybe he is a sound sleeper she thought. She tried again, one last time. But nobody came to open the door. She was about to turn around and leave when she heard some noises. They were coming from somewhere at the back of the house it seemed.

Curious, Mary walked a little in that direction; maybe Matthew was there after all. She passed by the shed where she had hidden Diamond the day of the storm. Looking around more properly than she had the last time, she realized that there was a little cabin at the very end of the cottage's delimitation. Head held high, she walked quickly to reach the cabin. The door was open and there was some light coming out of it. She tried to look inside, discreetly of course, but she couldn't see anybody in there. Letting go a loud sigh, she tried to look further; there was so many things in there! Some little and some bigger pieces of wood she noticed. Intrigued, she crossed the doorstep.

What she saw was, well, definitely not what she was expecting. There were wooden toys everywhere, smaller ones and bigger ones, trains, rocking horses, dolls, spinning tops, blocks and cars. Mary was watching in awe at every single toy in front of her when she heard a man clear his throat behind her.

Hating herself because she had been caught in a place where she hadn't been invited in, Mary turned around, about to apologize, when she realized that the man was Matthew.

"Lady Mary Crawley" He said bowing his head a little.

"Matthew, please, don't call me that." She said while looking down, unable to look him in the eyes.

"But it's your name isn't milady?" Matthew said with more force than he wished-for. What was she doing here anyway he thought. How was he supposed to act around her now?

"Yes. It is." She responded in a soft voice, finally looking at him. "But I told you that you could call me Mary, I meant it and I still do, so please Matthew…" She hated the look on his face. Like she had betrayed him. But she had not, not really anyway. They only met each other two times for goodness sake. It's not like she had hidden the truth from him for ages she tried to convince herself. "I came here to explain…"

"To explain!" Matthew cried. What could she have to explain? As a lawyer Matthew hated lies, they never led to anywhere good. Life had thought him that. And why someone of her rank would lie about her identity? It made no sense! They were all so proud of it. "You lied to me Mary! About who you are no less!" He walked past her quickly. He needed to do something. Seeing her there, only a few feet away, made him feel all kinds of different emotions at the same time, some of them that he couldn't even understand. Taking a new piece of wood Matthew started to cut it, piece after piece.

Mary turned around, following him, but keeping her distance. "I know I did. And I'm sorry. I really am! But let me explain, please Matthew."

It took him a few seconds before he answered, still without looking at her "You should go. Here is not a place for a Lady I believe."

"You see!" She shouted walking rapidly towards Matthew. "You're doing exactly what I thought you would do! You're being just like everybody else!" She continued, "Before I was Lady Mary Crawley you wouldn't have mind me being here! But now you do! Why Matthew? Why are you like all of them?" She poked him on his left arm, which made him look at her.

She was so upset; he never thought he would see her in such a state. He never even thought about the fact that she was able of such a thing. She had always been so calm and just perfectly reserved each time he had seen her (like a Lady really). "I, … I don't know what you mean. You shouldn't be here that's all…"

She didn't know what she expected by coming here, but she surely didn't expect him to react like this. He was only confirming what she had feared. He was doing like everyone else, threating her like a little girl who was unable to do anything by herself, someone who shouldn't be here because of her rank. "You're probably right. I shouldn't have come here in the first place." She couldn't keep the tears from falling at this point. "I thought that you were different Matthew. At least it was nice to be only Mary for a little while." She added in a small voice. She hated to be so vulnerable in front of him. She couldn't remember the last time that she had cry in front of her own mother so why was she crying now? In front of Matthew no less.

Matthew saw the tears, of course he did. Oh, what had he done? And that last sentence, he didn't understand what she meant… being only Mary… and him being like everyone else, it made no sense really. She was so close to him. He only had to reach her and he could make things better. He knew how to make her laugh, he loved it when she laughed, but now was not the moment for a joke. She was hurt and he hated to see her like this. So he did what his father used to do when his mother was crying, or when she was upset. He kissed her. Simply, softly, he just kissed her.

Mary had not expected him to kiss her. Not right now, not like that. He was mad at her wasn't he? Because she had lied to him, and he was just like all of them… but his lips were on hers now and they were soft and warm. Softer than she had imagine they would be and it was gentle, their lips only moving a little, soothing. No matter the circumstances, it felt right, and his lips and Matthew… Matthew.

He broke the kiss first, but stayed close to her, closer than what was appropriate surely. It's like they were in a trance, like nothing else mattered in that instant, everything else was a blur… "Mary I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

"I am too. I didn't mean to… lie to you Matthew. I just…"

She couldn't finish her sentence because his hands were now on her face. Trying to wipe away the tears on her cheeks with his thumbs. "Please, don't cry anymore" He said softly "It's all right."

As soon as the last syllable left his mouth she joined their lips together again. His hands came around her waist, holding her closer, their lips moving together with more assurance than only a moment before. They stayed like that for a moment, a thousands thoughts and feelings running wild in both their minds.

Mary was the one to break the kiss this time. "I think we should talk." She said simply. Maybe he would let her explain everything this time. She hoped he would.

"I think we do, yes."

"What's all this?" She asked looking over his shoulder. She honestly was curious to know what all those toys were for.

Matthew chuckled a little; he knew that she was trying to delay the real conversation. "Come here. I'll show you."

And so she followed him at the far back of the cabin, where she found a small table with four little chairs and a beautiful tea set on it. "Matthew it's so pretty!"

"Thank you" he said proudly. "They're all for the kids"

"The kids?"

"Please sit. Don't worry, the chairs are strong enough for us." He added.

Once they were both settled on the little chairs. Matthew spoke again "When I was a little boy, we moved to a small town in Indiana. They needed a lawyer there you see, and so my father took the job and brought both my mother and I with him. The majority of the people there were farmers and the times were hard. One day at school, it was just before Christmas, I heard some children talk about the presents they would like to receive. Until one of them told them to stop because they all knew that it was impossible for them to have what they wanted and that they would be lucky if they have an orange this year. When I got home, I told my father what I've heard that day, and two months later we started to build toys for all the farmers kids in our town. It took us a long time the first year! But it was our little secret, and I loved it. So on the 24th of December, after months of working on every single one of the toys, we delivered them, subtly of course, so nobody would know that it was my father and I. When I went back to school after the holidays, all of them were talking about what they had received, and they were so very happy Mary. You should have seen the smiles on their faces! I knew in that moment that we did the right thing. And so we made toys for the kids each year after that."

"And that's what you're doing here?" She smiled at him.

"Yes. That's what I'm doing. This one," he pointed at the table and the tea set "is for the Johnson's daughter, she's 5. I think she'll like it."

"Like it? Matthew are you crazy? She'll love it! It's just perfect!" She said

"Thank you Mary" He beamed at her. "Since I can't practice law here, not yet at least, I have plenty of time to work on them!" He added happily "Now that you know what's all of this is for, can you explain to me… everything. I won't say anything till you're done, I promise." He said quickly.

"Well, yes, of course. That's why I'm here isn't it." At least he seemed in a better mood than earlier she thought. But where could she possibly start? She needed to make him understand her point. She took a deep breath to calm herself. She never told something like that, something so, personal to anyone before. "You probably think that being a Lady is the easy life. That's what everyone think anyway. And I'm not complaining, I know that I am lucky and that things could be worst. But the thing is, women like me don't have a life. We choose clothes and pay calls and work for charity and do the season. But really we are stuck in a waiting room until we marry. You see, I'm the eldest daughter of the Earl, though you probably know that now. And, oh dear, Matthew you surely know that I can't inherit, I can't even go for a ride without asking permission. As a woman I'm threated like an eight years old, it's like people think I'm a porcelain doll who can't do anything. When I met you, the first time, I realized that you didn't know who I was and I thought, it was silly I know, but I thought that it would be nice to see what it felt like to be a normal person for once. And you were so nice to me, and not because I was a Lady, but because I was Mary. You see the difference? That's why I didn't tell you Matthew and I'm sorry that you had to learn the truth the way you did, I really am."

"Did you like it?" Asked Matthew.

"Yes. Yes, I liked it." She answered blushing a little.

"I'm so very sorry for earlier Mary, I reacted badly and I'm sorry."

"It's all right Matthew. Truly it is. I'm glad that you let me explain."

"What about James?" He knew he was pushing is luck but he needed to know.

Mary was a taken aback by this sudden change in the conversation. This particular subject couldn't be leading anywhere good, especially not today. "What about him?"

"You're going to marry him aren't you?" He said a bit more harshly than intended. But the memory of James in itself made him cringe.

"Oh dear. Matthew didn't you listen to what I said?" Looking at her hands in her lap she added "And yes, I'm supposed to marry James. It's the plan if you must know."

"I see." He said while standing up. "I hope it will work for the best. I really do."

She stood up too. "Why are you doing this Matthew?" How could he be sorry for being angry one minute and then being angry again only a few seconds later? But he kissed her, she didn't only imagined it, oh my. "I, … I thought we were…" she hesitated a little before finishing her sentence "friends."

"I just don't understand how you can marry someone like him! Mary I met him and he's … "

"Matthew! Stop!"

Matthew looked down, embarrassed by his behavior. "Sorry. Again I'm sorry. It's not of my business really, is it?" He laughed uncomfortably trying to change the atmosphere. "And of course we're friends Mary." But how could he simply be a friend to her after they had kissed like they did earlier? Oh God, what a mess Matthew thought. But if she wanted a friend, so be it. It was always a better possibility than not seeing her at all wasn't it?

Sensing Matthew's discomfort and before they had the chance to fight again, Mary thought that it would be better to leave things like this for the moment. "I should probably go now."

And so, they walked out of the cabin towards the front of the house. "May I come with you?" Mary asked suddenly. "On the 24th, for the gifts distribution?"

Matthew smiled. "Of course you can. I would love that. But will you be able to? I'm doing this quite late."

Mary gave him her brightest smile. The one he loved so much. "I'll find a way."

"Well then, I'll wait for you here at 1 a.m. We can't start too early or someone could see us."

"It's settled then." They stood there for a moment, both looking at each other. "Can you help me to climb back on Diamond Matthew?"

Without answering he took the last step that was needed to reach her. He placed his hands on her waist like he had done the last time. For a moment Mary thought that he would kiss her again. But he did not. He bent down a little though and whispered in her hear "If you feel like being only Mary for a moment, you can always come here. I promise I won't act like I did today ever again."

She didn't know what to say. But she tried to give him her most sincere smile. This meant more than anything to her. She knew he meant it. "Thank you." She whispered back.

Without another word being said, Matthew helped Mary to settle herself on her horse. After a wave and a smile, she was gone.

Lots of things had been left unsaid this morning and they both knew it. But at least they parted with the prospect of seeing each other in a few days time and a promise that meant the world to Lady Mary Crawley.