Roy was accustomed to seeing a mound of paper on his desk every morning. Forms to sign, reports to look over, and notices from the higher-ups…it was endless.
Yet when Roy walked into his office, he found paper strewn not across his desk, but across his floor. Thin sheets covered the carpet on either side of his desk as though they had been blown into chaos by the wind, or swept off the desk in a fit of rage.
Roy walked over, bent down to examine the papers, and sighed. Everything was mismatched, none of the forms in order anymore…as long as it took to complete paperwork, Roy shuddered to think how much longer it would take to organize it.
He wanted a drink.
Roy stood up, and in doing so caught a flash of white on his desk. Fantastic; one paper out of who knew how many hundreds was still in place.
But as he moved to look at it, Roy realized it wasn't ordinary paper. He picked it up, cursing as one side fell away, barely managing to stay connected to the rest. He pulled it back up, and his breath caught in his throat.
It was a heart—a torn and broken heart.
And not just any heart. Words were printed on the paper, and it wasn't hard for Roy to recognize his own writing. One phrase jumped out at him: "Just let me try."
These were the notes Roy had given Edward.
Filled with trepidation, Roy turned the heart over, and saw the boy's large words printed over his own. He read them aloud, wondering what was going through Ed's mind as he transmuted this heart. "I wish I could hate you," was written on one half. Roy choked on that one word, hate.
Could the blonde really hate him?
Yes. Yes, he could, and maybe he should. Still, Roy balked at the thought of Edward feeling such a passionate dislike for him. It made him uneasy.
The next words, those written on the other half of the torn heart, calmed him slightly, and Roy whispered them to himself: "…but I just can't."
So then, Roy was wrong; Ed couldn't hate him. His heart tried to soar, relief flooding through him, but Roy couldn't help but think of how the boy would have felt writing this. To want to hate him was, perhaps, worse than Edward actually hating him.
Roy had never felt so acutely how much pain the blonde must be in.
Still, he found himself hopeful. This heart, this pathetic, almost tragic message, was a response. This was Edward answering him, not with anger as he had done so previously, but with sadness. And perhaps that would make him more open to listening to Roy.
He turned abruptly, placing the heart gently inside his jacket, and strode out of his office, though the work day had barely started. None of that mattered; if now was his chance to reconcile with Ed, he wasn't going to pass it up.
But his Lieutenant had other ideas.
"Sir, you've only been here a few minutes. You have to do your paperwork."
Roy glanced nervously to the side, and saw Hawkeye standing there, gun pointing towards his face. He groaned internally. Why was it that when he was trying to do the right thing, he was being stopped?
"I have to go, Lieutenant. It's important…crucial."
But Riza Hawkeye wasn't one to go easy on him, especially with such a vague excuse. "A coffee break is not that important, especially considering you haven't been here long enough to need one."
Roy's heart thudded in his chest. He had to get out, he had to. Who knew how long it would be before Edward reverted to anger and refused to see him? Hell, Roy didn't even know if the boy would talk to him now, but he had to try when he felt he had the chance. "Lieutenant, I'm practically begging you—and I don't beg. I have to go; I have to talk to Edward."
Hawkeye raised her eyebrows, but did not lower her gun. "Is this about his outburst yesterday? I never did find out what that was about…what do you need to talk to him about?"
Roy found himself beginning to sweat under the intensity of her gaze. How was he supposed to get out of a direct question like that? He couldn't tell Hawkeye—she would kill him before he could get out of Headquarters.
But what choice did he have? Perhaps risking being shot was the only way to escape.
Roy sighed. "Please let me finish speaking before you shoot me, okay? I'm trying to fix this." He saw Hawkeye's eyes narrow. "I…I had made a bet with Breda and Havoc that I would have sex with a man."
The Lieutenant's eyes rolled towards the ceiling momentarily, as though begging some higher power to help her deal with him. "And," Roy continued, "I did it. Only I messed up…I did it with Edward."
At this Hawkeye's hand tensed, her finger nudging the trigger. "Colonel," she growled.
He held up his hands, though they wouldn't be of any defense if the woman decided to use her gun. "He found out, and Ed's rather understandably upset—I need to go talk to him, I have to apologize."
To his surprise, the Lieutenant closed her eyes. Roy thought he had won the battle unscathed, when a shot rang out.
Upon realizing he was still alive, and not even in pain, Roy opened his eyes, which he had shut instinctively. There was a smoking hole in the wall just an inch from his ear.
Her face twisted in a grimace, Hawkeye shot the same spot three more times before lowering her gun. She opened her eyes, took in the hole in the wall. "You're lucky," she hissed, angrier than Roy had ever seen her. "I missed. You go apologize—you have to fix this with Edward. Afterwards…" she trailed off, and looked away. "…I might just kill you still."
Roy didn't say anything, but walked away, half-expecting a round in the back. But the Lieutenant didn't change her mind, and he left Headquarters.
Standing outside the Elric brothers' dorm room, Roy ignored any hesitancy, any fear he might have, and knocked. "Edward?" he asked softly, remembering the last time he had come here. His cheek throbbed with the memory.
It was silent inside for a moment, but Roy waited, and got his response. "What?" The voice was muffled and rough, but unmistakably Ed's.
"Edward, I need to talk to you. I—I saw the heart…"
Roy heard the soft sound of feet sneaking towards the door, though it did not open.
He continued, "I have to see you. I know you don't want an apology, and I know one's not going to fix what I've done, but I still need to make sure you know how horrible I feel."
There was a soft thump on the other side of the door, and Edward's voice issued from below. "I don't want to see you," he murmured, voice thick.
Roy was struck with the sudden desire to reach through the door to get to the boy. Ed sounded so close to tears, it was breaking Roy's heart. "I don't want it to be like this," Roy whispered back, sitting on the hallway floor to be more level with the blonde.
"How else could it possibly be?"
"Edward, please," Roy begged. "Let me in."
A sound issued from behind the wood—a hiccup or a sob, Roy couldn't tell. "Please," he said again. "I can't stand hearing you like this. Knowing you're so upset, it's killing me. Let me in, Ed. Just for five minutes."
The floorboards creaked, and Roy got the distinct impression that Edward was rising. He himself leapt to his feet, watching the doorknob turn.
His first glance at Ed told him that the blonde was in worse shape than he had expected. His hair was tousled, clothes rumpled, and his eyes…red rimmed and shadowed, the skin below them puffy from tears.
Instinctively, Roy stepped inside and grabbed the boy, pulling him into a tight hug. He felt so…responsible. He had hurt Edward, and now he had to fix it.
The blonde recoiled slightly, letting out a, "Don't fucking touch me." But Roy held tight, and Ed didn't fight him.
He spoke, keeping the boy cocooned within his arms. "Edward, I am so, so sorry. I wish I could find some way to express how bad I feel. I was a dick, trust me, I know. But I hate how much I've hurt you and I hate you avoiding me. I want you to trust me. I know it will take a while to earn your trust again, if I even can, but I want to try. I'm sorry."
The blonde spoke, his voice softened by fabric. "The worst part is that you don't even know how much it hurts, why it hurts so bad…"
Roy released him, and leaned down to look Ed in the eye. "What do you mean?"
Edward stared back at him, and answered with a question of his own. "Didn't you ever wonder why I was so open, why I didn't resist that night?"
It's getting intense! Only one more chapter to go!
Just wanted to say a quick thank you for all the feedback I'm getting on this-keep the reviews coming! Let's see if we can make this my most reviewed fic, huh?