A:N
Hola people! Just a heads up, there's a lot of bad language in this chapter, so if you're sensitive about that kind of thing... Yeah...
The chapters will be small, but packed with hilarity. The updates, however, will vary. I'm not making a schedual because I have school and I'm also the laziest fuck of them ALL!
Disclaimer: I own only Talon/Tiana. PlatinumPipo owns Harriet/Narcisa. Bioware owns Dragon Age... For now... *manic laughter*

Varric nudged one of the unconscious girls with his foot, causing her to stir and open one big brown eye.

"The fuck?" she mumbled, bringing a hand up to her head, "Where-what-who… Fuck."

The other started to stir, and opened one of her eyes, revealing them to be a startling ice blue.

Her eyes met Varric's, and they widened to the size of dinner platters, confusing the dwarf greatly.

"Never seen a dwarf before, elf?" he asked, the slightest bit of bite in his tone.

She nudged her companion, her mouth hanging in an 'O' shape, "T-Tarnz? Please tell me that is not who I think it is…"

The one with tanned skin and brown eyes lifted her head again, looking Varric dead in the eyes. Hers were a deep brown, rimmed by black… Strange for an elf.

"Varric Tethras?" she asked, voice betraying nothing.

The dwarf laughed, outstretching his hand, "That is indeed my name. Have we met?"

The brown-eyed girl let out a long, sarcastic laugh, before stating, "Well, shit."

The blue-eyed one, the one with short hair, wrapped her arms around the darker one, whispering, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

'Toto' brushed her friend off before standing up. She favored one leg, so Varric assumed she must have been injured. 'I have to get Blondie to look at that,' he told himself.

"Well… This is… Awkward…"

Varric cocked his head to the side, "I don't see why... Unless… Are you one of my former lovers?"

Toto laughed, though it held… Rather manic undertones.

"Oh, oh no. No. Just, no. How do I explain this? I honestly don't know. Harriet, how do we explain this? We're in Thedas. Thedas is not real. You are not real," she cackled madly, causing Varric to back away slightly, "Aaaaaaandnowtheshockissettinginandohfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

The dwarf stepped closer and knelt down, keeping a steady hand on his crossbow, Bianca. "Calm down… Now tell me, what happened?"

The taller of the two, the blue eyed one, stood as well, gesturing to the Hanged Man, the local tavern, in which Varric owned.

"Hey, Tiana. Y'know what that is?"

The darker one raised an eyebrow at the squat building, "No…"

"It's a pub," the other stated, "and I need a stiff drink. Now. We can sort this shit out later."

Varric chuckled, patting the girl on the arm, "I like this one."

Tiana turned to her friend, but when they were facing each other, both leapt back with horrified expressions.

"What… No… What… You… YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF, HARRIET!"

Harriet reeled back in shock, and pointed at her, hand shaking, "YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF AS WELL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"

Both girls screamed in unison, and Varric backed away, this time more hastily, "Look, both of you, I don't know what's happened but… Just… That building, it's the Hanged Man, the tavern I own. Come inside, and we can discuss this more… Civilly…"

Tiana whirled on him, eyes blazing a fierce gold color, "You want to talk civilly? WE HAVE POINTY ELF EARS AND YOU WANT CIVIL? I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING CIVIL!"

She threw her hands into the air, and the windows of the nearest house shattered, making Varric jump and Tiana go wide-eyed.

"Oh, fuck, that's right… My character was a mage…" she brought her palm promptly to her forehead, "Oh shit, this will be interesting."

Tiana's Dragon Age Origins character, Talendrien, otherwise known as Talon, was a Dalish Elf mage-thief. Now, she wished she had chosen a human character. They tended to attract less attention from the templars, who liked to lock up said mages. Fun people. Great at parties.

At least Harriet's character, Narcisa, was an elf as well. Though she wasn't a mage, but a warrior who fought with a goddam huge double bladed battleaxe, whose strangely cold blue eyes tended to send people running for their lives.

Narcisa was extremely tall for an elf and lithe, but still held muscle under her skin, even though it was quite well hidden. Her hair was short, a dark shade of brown and longer on one side than the other, and her skin was pale, her cheekbones dusted with freckles. Her large, round eyes were framed by black eyelashes, making their piercing color stand out that much more. Harriet's description of her was, 'Fucking Kawaii, bitches.'

Talendrien, however, was shorter, though still tall, and more curvy, and her skin was darkly tanned. Her hair was shoulder length and the shade of her hair was only a small bit darker than her skin, her eyes only a bit lighter, almond shaped and framed by black eyelashes. The only way to describe her was, 'Sultry, but deadly.'

She sighed, attempting to adjust her jacket, which was now to tight in certain… chestal… areas…

Varric seemed to only then notice their strange attire, and cocked an eyebrow, "Say, that's some strange clothing you've got there…"

Tiana laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her neck, "Um, yeah… We… Kind of need new ones…"
The dwarf smirked, "I have a friend that looks about your size. And you… You can borrow some of Merrill's things."

Harriet smiled, only it looked rather… Pained… "Oh… Awesome…Yeah… Cool…"

He gestured to the tavern entrance, which held a quite disturbing depiction of a dead man hanging by his ankles, "Come on. I'll introduce you to my friends… I reckon they could hit you up with some work. Hell, you might even get to join us."

"My name's Talendrien, or Talon, for short," Tiana extended her hand to the dwarf, "This is Narcisa, or Sissy for short."

Varric smiled and nodded, "Well, you know who I am… So… Do either of you know how to fight?"

Harriet snorted, gesturing to the huge battleaxe strapped to her back, "No, I carry this around to get chicks."

The door to The Hanged Man swung open noisily, and the stench of alcohol, food and sweat hit Harriet and Tiana, or Talon and Narcisa, right in the face. It was a foul reek, but the warmth of the inn was welcome.

A dark haired woman shouted from the other side of the inn, "Hey Varric! Your chest hair got you some more girls, hey?"

'Isabela,' Talon thought, much to her dismay.

She approached them, another girl at her heel who appeared to be an elf. She had short, black hair and was wearing a green robe.

'And that would be Merrill.'

"Hi," said the timid elf, smiling shyly, "It's nice to see some more elves around here."

Narcisa smiled madly, jumping up and down, "You are so FUCKING KAWAII!"

Merrill grinned, blushing slightly, "I haven't the slightest idea of what that means, but thank you."

The blue-eyed elf squealed and embraced the young girl, nearly squeezing out her innards, "I have decided I love you."

Merrill giggled, embracing Narcisa back, "Oh, that's lovely. I love you to, clanswoman."

The darker human woman, Isabela, smirked, "Well, aren't you two just precious. Where have you been all this time, huh?"

Varric stepped between her and Talon, who was close to snarling, "Now now, introductions can wait, we need to get these girls changed. Riviani, find something for Talon. That's the dark one with the kind of creepy eyes. Merrill, grab an outfit for Narcisa. She's the one with blue eyes."

With that, Isabela shot a devious smirk her way, and Merrill skipped off with Narcisa.

'This... Will be interesting...'

Isabela led Talon upstairs with a grin plastered on her face, most likely thinking up something devious and downright perverted… As she did so often…

Talon was still having a mild freak-out.

"So," the Riviani pirate started, "How long have you been in this shit-dump, Kirkwall?"

"Uhhh… About… A day? A day."

"A day?" she raised an eyebrow as she fished through the numerous tunics and pairs of leggings and boots, all which covered a little less skin than she'd like them to, "Well, feel lucky Varric found you then."

Talendrien raised an eyebrow in question, and Isabela laughed, waving her off, "Oh, don't worry your pretty little head over it, sweetheart. Okay, I've found something for you to wear. We can be twins!"

To the elf's dread, the woman pulled out a garb quite similar to her own, but it was black and red instead of white and blue. That, and she at least had the decency to take a pair of leggings as well.

Talon shuddered, then snatched the clothing and walked into the washroom, where she attempted to throw it on… Though, that did not work at all.

"Isabeeeeeeeeeeeeeela," she cried, rather embarrassed.

The bloody woman didn't help when she broke into hysterical laugher, though she had to admit, it would have made a funny sight. She couldn't figure out how to work the straps, and the buckles were in strange places. The tunic ended up bunched around her shoulders, and she stood there completely incapacitated, in effectively, nothing but her underwear and thigh-high boots.

"Shut the fuck up and help me out of this," Talendrien snapped, squirming in the goddamn thing that had basically pinned her arms in the air.

"Okay, okay… But I'll need help," the pirate grinned evilly, and, before Talon could do anything about it, she hollered, "BROODY! ELF! FENRIS! WE NEED SOME HELP UP HERE!"