Quandary - Chapter Twelve
His eyelids were so heavy when he woke up that he could barely even open them when he attempted to. He rolled over on the unknown, soft surface he was lying on, relishing in its warmth but trying to catch a glimpse of his surroundings through cracked eyelids. When sunlight met his eyes, he fully woke from his daze.
Thor found himself in his room, tucked comfortably into his bed with his night clothes on, as if nothing was amiss. But something was amiss, because the prince could not recall how he had gotten there, or what had transpired before his apparent sudden lack of consciousness had taken over.
He could remember drinking with Loki – or, rather, drinking while Loki spoke of his plans...
Then – nothing. That's where his memories stopped. Thor knew he had been drinking (probably a little too much, but alas), Loki had stopped him, he had been happy about his brother's decision to do the sensible thing, and then he had...
Thor cursed and ran his hands down his face when he realized why he had a lapse of memory. He had called for a toast – insisting that Loki join him – for the end of the rumor and the restoration of happiness in the royal family and Sigyn.
But apparently that toast of mead had somehow been enough to put Thor in a daze, and that daze had undoubtedly sparked the want for more mead, which in turn had probably spiraled downward form that point on.
A groan escaped him as he sunk back further into the blankets and furs, deciding not to deal with it right then.
"Loki," a soft voice whispered to him, relaxing him from the tension that had racked his body just a moment before. He could feel the owner of the soft voice gently stroking his hair and gradually waking him from his restless sleep, further relaxing his troubled mind.
His eyelids fluttered opened and his shoulders loosened when he saw Sigyn leaning over him, situated beside him in the bed. Only then did the images of his nightmare disappear. Still, though, some parts of the dream remained, and as blurry and confusing as they were, they taunted him as his nightmares always did.
"Loki," Sigyn repeated, voice just as soft as before. As his eyes adjusted to the dim sunlight seeping through the cracks of the drapes, he could see her smiling soothingly; but her eyes held anxiety.
"Are you all right? You were thrashing and calling out. Was it a nightmare?"
Loki swallowed dryly and shifted in the bed so that he was sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and tried to smile to reassure her, even though he felt terrible.
"I'm fine," he said, and he thought she believed him until she shifted straighter and moved to sit a bit further from him, apparently in order to look into his eyes.
"What was it about? Perhaps speaking of it will remedy your troubles," she suggested, pulling the blanket over her growing stomach and then over arms.
Both to avoid the subject of his nightmare – which he had no interest in speaking about, no matter how little of it he could recall – and out of confusion, Loki tilted his head at her and moved to take her hand.
"Are you cold?" Loki asked.
He would have bet that her hands would be cold to the touch since they were shaking, but they didn't feel at all cold – they actually felt quite warm, much to his surprise. Even more surprising, she pulled her hand away, and her expression was unreadable. She turned her gaze to the bed.
"No, I'm not," she stated simply.
Loki could practically feel her lie pierce the air around them. Sigyn had never been a talented liar. Even when they had been younger, she had always given her true intentions away by either giggling or not looking someone in the eyes.
"Sigyn," he said obviously, as if to tell her he knew she was lying. He moved to hold her hand again, and this time she didn't pull away. His eyebrows tightened with worry when he noticed just how much she was shaking. "Sigyn, you're shaking."
She smiled a little as she looked up from their hands and to his face. She looked flippant.
"There is a chill in the air. Perhaps the windows aren't shut properly," she said.
"They are," Loki replied quickly, his eyes flickering to the large windows and then back to her. Never in all of his life had a room in the palace been cold, and he found no reason that one should start being so now. "And besides, I'm not cold. I would have noticed if the temperature had dropped."
Sigyn shrugged slightly, though he could see through that, too. "I'm sure it's—"
"Does this... does this happen often?" Loki asked, his heart rate rising.
Ever since Sigyn had been sent to the healing room and he had thought the worst for her and the baby, Loki had always worried about her health. But he had always assumed she was telling him about all of her symptoms...
He felt lightheaded. With all that he done the previous night, staying out frightfully late to finish his plan, he had not slept well or for very long. He did not feel rested or comfortable. This was just icing on the cake for his nervous system.
"Not very often," she said quietly, obviously trying to soothe him. "I think it's just the weather. And with the pregnancy, I can imagine I'm more liable to feel cold."
Loki barely heard her explanation. All he could think about was how something could be terribly wrong and how angry he was becoming that he hadn't known about it before then. Perhaps if Sigyn had not been so ill such a short while before, he would not be as concerned about it. But she had been, and because of it, he felt as if he deserved to know everything – no matter how small. But as he watched her, he could visibly see her shaking, making him think that perhaps this wasn't something small.
This caused one question to enter Loki's mind and become the prominent thought: Why had he not noticed before?
"But it does happen," he said, as if confirming his fears. He felt his insides twist when she didn't say anything against it. He leaned forward and off of the pillows as he let go of her hand, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. When he spoke, his gaze flickered wildly across the room; anywhere but Sigyn. "Why wouldn't you tell me? What if – what if something's wrong?"
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her moving closer to him. When she spoke, her voice was still soft, but she sounded much more anxious.
"Nothing is amiss," she said, her hand resting on his shoulder. But her hand didn't signal calmness as she surely meant it to. "If I truly thought something was wrong, then I would have told you right away."
"No," Loki said, shaking his head slowly as he turned his head to look at her. "You were worried. I can tell. You were worried about it and if it was affecting him, and you didn't tell me."
Sigyn's hand fell from him, and she sat a little farther back. He could hear her breath quicken.
"I didn't tell you because I truly don't believe anything is wrong," she repeated, her voice growing fainter and weaker with every word. "I thought the coldness was just another symptom that came with the pregnancy."
Her features were smothered with worry, and her hands were ringing themselves red in her lap. He suddenly placed a hand over both of them, stopping the motions if only because it was unnerving. He stared down at their hands rather than her face.
"But you don't know anything about pregnancy other than what people have said," Loki said, unable to stop the rising anger inside of him. He finally looked in her eyes, his eyebrows arching with distress. "And above all, aren't these some of the same symptoms you felt after you were sent to the healing room? You had been cold, shivering even, and I had told Thor to retrieve one of your blankets from our chambers. What if this is the same thing? You should have told someone."
Loki's slender fingers grazed her stomach slightly before pulling away from her altogether. As he uncovered himself and stood from the bed, Sigyn gave her reply with a shaky voice that almost made him feel bad for her, but he couldn't help but let his ire overpower him.
"We still can," she said, and then continued quickly. "Tell them, I mean. I – I can ask Freyja, our midwife, about it."
She sounded hopeful, as if she was hoping to redeem herself for something. He guessed it was because she had realized what she had done – or, rather, what she hadn't done. His mind was reeling from the knowledge of the fact that Sigyn apparently didn't find herself in a position to tell him when something was suspicious about her pregnancy and their child, and so his response was very delayed.
Did she not trust him? Did she not see them as close enough to share things like that? Or worst of all, did she think he wouldn't care? For the first time in a long time, Loki's heart clenched with unhappiness.
"Yes, you should do that," he said tonelessly. He had been pulling his armor on and was almost finished now, and he turned to Sigyn when he was fully dressed. His expression was one of hurt, though he didn't know it, and his voice was sorrowful.
"That wasn't difficult, right? Telling me about it?"
Sigyn looked as if she was going to cry, but then suddenly her face was void of any trace of tears. Still, however, her features harbored sadness. He could still see her hands shaking, but now he wasn't sure if it was because of her chill or because she was upset.
"No, of course not," she said desperately, slowly standing from the bed and walking to him. "I wasn't withholding anything from you on purpose, it was just that I didn't think it was necessary to tell anyone."
"Well it was," Loki said abruptly, anger filling his voice and tone.
Sigyn's gaze shot to the floor immediately, and her voice was very quiet when she spoke.
"I'm sorry, Loki."
Loki's lips pressed together. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he took his leave of the room without looking back.
"Thor, wake up," an irritated voice said, shaking Thor's sleeping form. "Oh, come on, you oaf. It's nearly midday."
That woke him up. He shot from his bed-makings and into a sitting position, looking at Loki wildly. "What?"
"You heard me, Thor. Now get up, I have something to tell you."
Thor yawned and stood slowly, running both hands through unruly blond locks before regarding his brother. With a proper look at Loki, Thor could see real anger hidden behind his brother's irritation, and he briefly wondered if it had been something he did. The thought left him almost immediately. The older god sighed heavily, barely thinking of what Loki's new information could be.
He hated rising late. It wasted daylight and time, and what else did one have, really? And it did not help at all that he felt like he had been run over by a stampede of bildshnipe. His head ached, his stomach churned to the point that he was sure if he thought about any type of food he would promptly vomit, he was dizzy, and his limbs were heavy and slow-moving.
"Gods, I feel awful. What happened last night? I remember you stopped me from drinking – thank you, by the way, I was acting like a fool – but then I made that damned toast, and now I have no memory of anything that happened afterword."
Loki's gaze shifted away from Thor, and his hands folded neatly behind his back. He cleared his throat, and without further ado, Thor became suspicious.
"What did you do this time, Loki?" Thor asked, squinting at his younger brother.
"That's what I've come to tell you, since I knew you would be confused," he said. "I might have had something to do with your... eagerness to drink last night."
Loki was speaking through his teeth, indicating that whatever it was that he did, it was nothing good. When Thor did nothing but simply stare dangerously and await an explanation, Loki continued before his chance was gone.
"After your toast, I encouraged you to drink more. And since you were already practically drunk off your arse, it was no trouble at all."
Thor exhaled slowly, trying to stay calm. It was always something. He closed his eyes before he spoke, hoping to calm himself.
"And why would you do that, pray tell?" Thor asked through gritted teeth.
"Because I needed you to be preoccupied," Loki said quietly. He was obviously reluctant to tell Thor anything else, but he was catching on anyway.
"You aren't really going to ask father for help, are you," Thor said, stating a fact rather than asking a question. Loki shook his head.
"No," he said, and then quickly continued so that Thor could not get an argumentative word in. "That's why I had you drink so much – so you wouldn't follow me out of the tavern." He shrugged. "Who knows, had my own plan not worked, I might have gone to him. Even though I'm fairly certain he would have been more than reluctant to help."
"Wait, wait, wait," Thor said, stepping closer to Loki and shutting his eyes tightly, trying to understand what was happening. Or, rather, what had already happened. "'Your own plan'?"
"Yes," Loki sighed. "I figured if it was going to be done right, I was going to have to do it alone."
Thor's stomach twinged, but whether is was because of his sickness or his newly found gloom, he did not know. What he did know was that he felt sad more than angry now. He had thought – had been led to believe – that Loki was going to allow him to help him. Of course, Thor knew that there were inconsistencies with that plan. Loki had been so very riled up in the training room, and then had suddenly calmed down at the tavern, and then he had had a drastic change of heart about how to address the rumor situation.
Thor should have seen through Loki's lies. But, as per usual, he had become just another victim of them.
"Don't look at me like that, brother. I didn't mean anything against you," Loki said, and Thor couldn't help but think that perhaps he was being sincere this time.
He ran a hand through his hair, this time out of stress rather than tiredness. "What was your plan, then?"
Loki nodded, as if he had been waiting for that question. "It was quite easy, actually. I simply used the rumor's popularity against itself. I just hope it was enough."
Thor waited for more of an explanation. When Loki stayed silent, he leaned forward. "And?"
His little brother seemed disappointed that he would have to tell him everything, and Thor couldn't fathom why. He had always come to him with his troubles, and Thor had yet to betray his trust.
"Please do not speak of this to anyone, alright?" Loki begged, before continuing hastily. "Not even if you think you can trust them."
Thor nodded his promise, and only then did Loki began to tell him the details of his plan.
"I used a form of shape-shifting magic to become someone else, and—"
"Who?" Thor interjected.
"What?" Loki said, irritated from being interrupted.
Thor rolled his eyes slightly. "Who did you shape-shift into?"
Loki became impatient. "I made something up. I thought a servant boy who used to work at the palace would suffice for the setting."
Thor continued to wonder why Loki wasn't giving him any proper details.
"And what setting was that?" He asked slowly, trying to convey that he needed more information if it was going to make any sense.
"The market, of course," Loki replied testily. "Anyway. After I had dawned my disguise, I began to speak to people about Sigyn. Merchants, buyers, passers – I spoke to anyone who stopped to join in the conversations, which turned out to be quite a few people..."
"They do love gossiping. We of all people know that," Thor commented, which quickly earned him an peeved look from Loki.
Loki took a deep breath and continued. "Because my disguise used to work in the palace, I made sure he professed to know of the inner workings of the royal family. But I also made sure the bulk of his knowledge was based on Sigyn, with a considerable amount of details about myself."
"Are you sure Sigyn wanted all of these things being told about her?" Thor asked honestly, not meaning any harm but apparently causing it anyway, because Loki seemed angry again.
"It was either that or they continue to believe our son is a bastard, Thor, what did you want me to do?"
"I'm sorry," Thor said, head lowering slightly at the realization of how bad his words must have sounded to Loki. "I did not mean any ill harm by my words."
"It's all right, brother," Loki said quietly, without looking Thor in the eyes. Then, with another deep breath, he raised his voice once more. "They asked why he didn't work there anymore, and because I wanted him to seem truly knowledgeable about it, I said he was... let go because he had been caught eavesdropping on us. After they knew that, they were very curious all of the sudden."
Thor's chin rose in realization. "And you spread the truth about her."
"Yes. I treated it as just another rumor, but made sure I was quite firm in my belief that it was the truth. Once I really had their attention, they believed me when I said Sigyn was being honest. They're very gullible, but that's no shock. See, since the rumor was so verypopular, I used it's fame against it. This new rumor I've spread, which is actually the truth about everything, will spread just as wildly as the original."
Thor nodded slowly, his eyebrows furrowing as he listened. It seemed like an odd plan to him, but he knew that was only because magic had always seemed foreign to him, despite their mother's use of it and her teaching it to Loki.
"So... you were in the form of a servant boy, but no one noticed anything odd about you?" Thor asked, folding his arms and looking at Loki attentively.
"Thor, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm an exceptionally talented liar," Loki said with a small smile. His smile faded, however, when Thor did not return it.
Oh, yes. Thor knew of his brother's dishonest talents. Apparently, however, he didn't know of them as much as he thought, for he had been lied to more often than he realized. But he was becoming more vigilant about it now, and he assumed it would become easier to see through his brother's lies soon enough.
Deciding not to speak of lies anymore, Thor finally asked the one question he had wanted to ask since the beginning of their conversation.
"But... why did you not inform me of your plan in the first place? Why shroud the truth from me? I would have seen it as a perfectly reasonable plan given that you are exceptional with magic and, as you have very recently confirmed, a talented liar."
Loki sighed again. "It wasn't that I didn't want to tell you, Thor, it was just that I needed to get it done quickly and efficiently, and—"
"And I would have slowed you down," Thor said with a low voice.
"No, I— just let me finish, alright? It wasn't that you would have caused any problems for me, it's just that you would have had questions, as you rightfully should, and I did not have the patience nor time to answer them. Especially since we were in a public place."
Thor sighed heavily. He supposed that made sense considering he couldn't have very well tagged along with servent-boy-Loki. All the same, he thought that Loki could have been a bit more delicate than to get him so drunk that he had no recollection of the night whatsoever. But perhaps it was Loki's desperation that made him act rashly.
"I understand," Thor said, though he still felt like a child left out of playing with the other children. "I, too, hope your plan proves successful."
"Yes," Loki said flatly, staring blankly behind Thor. "Let us hope so."
Thor's eyebrows creased when he noticed Loki's demeanor change. His brother had become tense in mere seconds, having seemingly remembered something dreadful. His eyes were void of emotion, and Thor knew from the past that that only meant one thing: he was feeling two many emotions to convey just one.
"What's the matter?" Thor asked straight away, glancing behind him and then watching in confusion as Loki's gaze turned back to him.
"Nothing," his brother answered, but this time Thor immediately caught the obvious lie.
"Oh, please. I may not always be able to know when you're lying, but that was a blatant lie," Thor said, pointing at Loki for emphasis.
Loki's eyes closed for a moment, and he sat on Thor's bed in what looked like pure exhaustion. Thor sat next to him right away and watched as his little brother ran his hands down his face tiredly.
"It's Sigyn," Loki said quietly, though his tone suggested resentment.
"I've never heard you speak about her with such acrimony," Thor said worriedly. "Or any negative feelings, for that matter. What happened?"
Loki swallowed heavily. "I noticed that she was shaking this morning. Physically shaking, like she did after the incident in the healing room. She said she wasn't cold, but that was a lie. Apparently she's been feeling cold and weak for a while now, and didn't take the trouble to tell me. Or anyone, actually. She said she didn't think it was important." He shook his head as if he still couldn't believe it had happened. "When I noticed it this morning, I was... I was upset with her for not telling me."
Thor wondered for a moment how the conversation had changed so drastically in such a short amount of time, how Loki had gone from seemingly normal to angry in mere seconds. He tried to wrap his still-foggy head around the new situation at hand, racking his brain for something to say.
"Well... perhaps she was just scared," Thor suggested.
"Perhaps," Loki said, though he obviously didn't believe it. "But that's no excuse. That's actually a reason to tell someone, for the gods' sake."
Thor nodded his agreement, but nevertheless placed a hand on his shoulder to try and calm him. The last thing he needed was Loki throwing knives at more dummies.
"Loki," he started calmly. "Maybe she thought of telling you, but then changed her mind because the symptoms stopped for a while, or perhaps she would have told you soon anyway. I don't think we know enough yet to—"
"You don't think I've overreacted, do you?" Loki asked suddenly, looking into Thor's eyes as though he was the only one who held the answers. "I mean, I don't think I have, but Sigyn may see my reaction differently..."
As Loki trailed off and glanced away, Thor observed him quickly, examining the darkness under his eyes and the troubled thoughts brewing behind the green. He was truly exhausted, Thor saw, and he thought that perhaps now was not a wise time to speak of such a delicate matter in any seriousness. But there was no choice to be made on the matter.
Fearing that if he stayed quiet for any longer he would seem like he didn't care, he responded to his brother.
"No, I don't think you overreacted," Thor said, suddenly feeling slightly betrayed himself. At this point, though, all Thor wanted to do was try and remedy the situation. With the rumor and the attempt to decimate it happening just outside of the palace's walls, Loki and Sigyn needed to be closer to each other than ever. "She should have said something, yes, but like you said, she probably sees it differently. You must try and see the whole situation from both sides."
"Both sides?" Loki asked, turning his gaze back to Thor quizzically.
Thor nodded. "You know, put yourself in her shoes, see how you would feel in her position."
His little brother seemed too upset to see any sense in that. "But... she could die, Thor. They could both die. I could lose both of them all because she didn't say anything."
"What I think," Thor started, trying desperately to change the subject, "is that you're scared, too."
"Of course I am," Loki said obviously. "What if she's ill again, or if the baby's not healthy, or—"
"I'm sure they are both perfectly well," Thor assured, squeezing Loki's shoulder in an attempt to calm him. "You can always check with a healer."
Loki didn't seem satisfied. "Yes, yes, I know. We will. But why didn't she say anything about it?"
Thor sighed, trying to reason with him the best he could about a situation he knew next to nothing about.
"You know her, Loki, she's always concerned about bothering someone. Remember when she wouldn't accept any servants? That's probably part of the reason she didn't say anything. She's probably worried she would be a bother."
"But she never bothers me. Or anyone else, as far as I know. I thought she knew that," Loki said irately, though he seemed calmer than before. Guilt momentarily replaced the anxiety in his eyes, and he continued quietly. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I didn't see it from her point of view."
Thor's heart began to ache for Loki. And Sigyn, too, in fact. The last thing they needed was to drift away from each other at a time like this.
But Thor realized that what upset him the most was that it was an oddity to see Loki so upset. Rarely did his brother let things get to him, and other times it seemed as if he simply didn't care. But now Thor could practically see the unsureness in his brother's eyes, the guilt and regret hidden behind the blank stare that was used to hide all of that.
"Perhaps, yes. But please make sure to remember that you weren't expected to see it like that. Especially not so soon," Thor said sympathetically.
Loki didn't seem changed by his words at all, despite Thor's efforts. And so just a moment later, he continued his attempts to improve his spirits.
"And as far as her feeling like a bother... that has nothing to do with you," Thor said. "You never gave her any impression that she bothered you in any way, at any time. If she does think that, it's probably because she grew up thinking she was beneath everyone, or something of the sort. It wasn't you."
Loki barely seemed moved at all. He almost said something, but Thor cut him off, knowing whatever it was he was going to say was nothing positive. So he brought up what he knew was still irking his brother.
"And again, about your reaction... whatever it was, I'm willing to bet it wasn't as strong as mine would have been," Thor said, earning a very brief bemused look from Loki. "You were caught in the moment, and you can't be blamed for that. You were scared that something was wrong, angry that you hadn't noticed earlier, and confused as to why she didn't tell you about it. But even despite all of this, everything will still be all right, you know."
Loki blinked and then his gaze fixed on something in front of him, away from Thor. The smallest of smiles appeared on his face then, and his gaze turned once again to his older brother.
For a moment, just a moment, Thor felt as if it was not the fearful, restless future father sitting next to him; it was his baby brother, with just a glint of gladness in his eyes because all he needed was someone to reassure him.
Loki's smile widened slightly. "How is it that no matter how transparent your attempts to alleviate my worries are, they always seem to actually work?" Loki said.
"I don't know," Thor said through a sigh and a laugh, wrapping his arm around Loki's shoulders and pulling him into a tight half-hug. "But I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that's it's my job."
The street below the window of their chambers was busier than Sigyn was used to seeing. It teemed with people, some who worked at the palace and others who were important enough to be staying for the weekend or perhaps just visiting for the day. Some carried boxes or baskets, which she guessed were deliveries for the palace's residents or maybe stock for the kitchens, and some simply spoke to one another, laughing and joking.
Usually Sigyn would love to watch them. It was fascinating to watch how the other half lived. And since she had been ordered by the healers to rest, she found that the window was very helpful during the hours of the day when she had nothing to do.
But while she continued to gaze out of the window, she could not bring herself to feel any joy or fascination by watching them. Not because they weren't supplying it, but because Sigyn did not feel as if she deserved to feel joy or fascination. She stood from the window seat and pulled the windows shut, and then pushed the draperies back over the window, leaving the room both considerably darker and nearly completely silent save for the sound of construction from the nursery in the next room.
They still planned to place a door between the two rooms, even though it had been decided that they would have the crib in their room for a while. She was still supposed to choose the colors of the walls, the fabrics for the curtains, and stock the supplies for the changing table, but she felt overwhelmed by even that. If decorating a room was overcoming her, how was she going to have a baby?
Even with all of that and so much more on her mind, Sigyn could only think of what had happened that morning. Loki had been so upset with her, and only now did her thoughtless decision to remain silent about her symptoms seem foolish. She had never thought about the chill she often felt in a dangerous way. She thought it was the weather coupled with her weaker body, not anything threatening her or her son. But maybe she had been a fool, maybe she was wrong and had been too stupid to see the risk she was in, or the likelihood of something going wrong. Maybe she was already an awful mother.
Sigyn felt more tears stream down her face as she slowly sat down in one of the two sitting chairs beside the bookshelf, which was settled in the corner of the room.
Not only had she let Loki down, but she had also betrayed her own son. He was depending on her to keep him alive and healthy for these nine months, and what does she do? Pass something suspicious off as the weather.
She was so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Her mother had been right. She was apparently just a child herself, unable of making any sort of rational decision without messing everything up. If she couldn't even determine what was harmless and what was dangerous for her child, what good was she going to be while he was growing up? What good was she going to be if she didn't even know when she should ask for help or not?
She vividly remembered her mother teaching her that in a relationship, she had to give more than her husband ever would, and if something in the relationship went wrong, it would be her fault. That's how marriages worked, she had said. That's how women live, and that's how you will live.
Even when she was growing up, if something went wrong with one of the animals or another chore, Sigyn would be blamed. She was not to make excuses about it, either.; her parents had been adamant about that, even though they weren't excuses – they were valid reasons. But it had never mattered; soon enough, Sigyn had become accustomed to things being blamed on her. Through the years, she had even started to believe it all.
She had come to expect things to be her fault, and this situation was not different than any of the others.
As Sigyn pulled a pillow that had rested on the chair into her lap and hugged it gently to herself, she tried to find comfort in the fact that Freyja had agreed to come around later that day and examine her. She had asked a guard to request Freyja's presence for her, because she didn't feel up to traveling anywhere.
She took deep breaths as she tried to reassure herself that even if something was wrong, it was not too late to remedy the situation and redeem her imprudent behavior. Perhaps if there was a complication, it could be easily dealt with. Maybe then Loki could start to forgive her. Maybe the she could start to forgive herself.
She was so lost in her thoughts and so blinded by her tears that she didn't see the door open, or even notice someone enter the room. It wasn't until her name was said that she unclenched her reddened eyes.
She looked up to see Loki standing in the doorway, quietly shutting the door behind him, all while never looking away from her. His eyes were empty as far as she could tell, though it was very possible he was making them that way.
Sigyn quickly wiped her face free of tears, hoping to find the strength to stop more from falling. But as the seconds passed and she continued to look at Loki's expressionless face, she wasn't sure she could.
She made a move to stand up, but Loki motioned for her to stay put.
"Please, don't get up," he said, more politely than anything.
His tone was still flat, and it was painfully noticeable considering she had never heard him speak like that with her before. It did nothing good for the pain in her heart.
Loki slowly – uncomfortably, it looked like – sat in the second armchair that was just a foot from the one that Sigyn occupied. He seemed to dither for a long moment, as if he wasn't quite sure why he was there.
"Did you call for the midwife?" Loki asked, merely glancing at her when she responded.
"Yes," she said. "She said she will visit later today."
Loki nodded in approval, then the silence took over once more. It hurt Sigyn – not talking, the uncomfortable silence... it felt so unnatural. For all of the time she had known him, they had been able to speak with one another with such ease that it had felt more than natural. Now they were sitting in an uncomfortable silence with neither of them knowing how to break it.
Finally, however, Sigyn found something she needed to say.
"Loki," Sigyn said, after a long time of debating whether or not to actually speak at all. "I – I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I was a fool. An utter, absolute fool. I should have said something, I should have known to. But please, you have to believe me when I say that if I had thought something was wrong, I would have said something right away."
Loki's eyebrows softened for a moment, bringing a much more affable expression to his features. He didn't say anything, though, and he made no movements in his chair, which prompted Sigyn to continue. This time her tears returned and her voice was cracking with every word.
"I know I've said it already but I have to say it again," she said, shutting her eyes tightly. "I'm so sorry. I put our son and I both in danger, all because I was too... too heedless and senseless to notice that what was happening wasn't normal."
She restrained a sob, still refusing to open her eyes in fear of seeing Loki angry or disappointed again, like she had seen that morning. She couldn't stop herself from continuing then, feeling the need to make sure he knew everything there was to know.
"And that's not even mentioning the fact that I didn't even think to speak to anyone that would have more knowledge on the matter than I do about it," she said, the disgust she felt for herself showing in her tone. "My mother was right, you know. She said I was jut a child myself and that I could never raise a child at this age. And I... I suppose she was right."
Sigyn was about to go on, but the feeling of Loki's hand resting on her's – which was gripping the pillow in her lap – stopped her and made her open her eyes and relax her hand.
Loki's expression had turned from simply affable to distressed. He looked shocked, as if he had not expected what he had heard. He moved to sit on the edge of the chair, closer to Sigyn, and his fingers gently curled around her hand.
"Please, no more of this," he said, his voice pleading. "Yes, I was upset. But I do not wish for you to berate yourself like this. It will help nothing."
His use of past tense gave her some hope. After another heaving of breath that was close to a sob, she sniffed and looked into his eyes.
"But it's my fault. If something ends up being wrong, it will be my fault. I've put our child at risk and I didn't even think about it," she said.
"I know," Loki said, and she cringed at his tone. His voice softened at her expression. "I cannot pretend that it's not true, no matter how much it hurts me to wound you with those words." He paused for a moment, as if thinking very hard on what to say. "I know you should have said something, and so do you. But I don't... I would never want you to think such horrible things of yourself. And not only because they aren't true, but because it will only make things worse."
Sigyn could still feel the tears falling down her cheeks, but she didn't notice them as much now that her fears of Loki hating her had not been realized.
"But..." she started, trying to think of an argument because she knew that she didn't deserve how kind he was being under the circumstances.
"No more," he repeated quietly, giving her hand a firm yet comforting squeeze. "All that matters now is the midwife's visit."
Sigyn nodded her agreement, though she could still feel the guilt inside her gnawing at her gut. She looked deeply into Loki's eyes then, and spoke with determination – as much as she could muster, that is.
"I'll... I'll tell you everything from now on. Everything. Even if it's something small and seemingly unimportant, I'll tell you as soon as I have the chance. I do not plan on repeating my actions ever again."
Loki smiled slightly, but he looked taken aback by her words.
"That sounds like a splendid plan, Sigyn," he said, still sounding a bit surprised. He hesitated as if he was going to say something else, but Sigyn couldn't stop herself.
"And it's one I will not veer from," she said sternly, though her voice was still shaky and her eyes were still moist. "I promise."
Loki nodded briefly before standing from the chair and assisted Sigyn with doing the same. He used both of his hands to wipe the hair out of her face, and then placed them softly on either side of her head. There was something in his eyes, something she was sure she had never seen before. It was a mixture of sadness and hope, but there was a glint of an almost admiration, too.
"It's all right, Sigyn," he said, his thumbs wiping the wetness from her face. "It's over now. You mustn't ponder on it if it upsets you so much."
Even as his words reached her heart and made her feel a tenfold better, Sigyn still couldn't bring herself to feel whole again. She tried to make herself feel better by thinking about how much worse it could have been, how much she didn't deserve his kindness but was receiving it anyway, but nothing could stop the dull ache in her chest that accompanied the guilt and made her want to cry, because she knew nothing could be the same. She had broken Loki's trust, if even on accident, and she couldn't see how he could ever forgive her.
She sniffed in an attempt to stop more tears from pooling in her eyes, but her face distorted anyway, and she began to cry once again.
"I feel like I've ruined everything," she said, her voice barely audible through her tears and crackly voice. Her eyes were downcast, and she lowered her head, forcing Loki's hands to fall from her face.
When she glanced very briefly back to him, she could see that Loki's face had contorted in its own way, his features morphing into an expression of anguish for her. After a short moment, Loki gently held her shoulders and pulled her against his chest in a tight hug. She gladly wrapped her arms even tighter around his waist, her cries barely subsiding. Even if she couldn't control her tears, she had to admit that being in his arms was a solace that she desperately needed. The only thing stopping her from pulling him even closer was their son between them, moving and kicking inside her.
"You haven't ruined anything, love," he said softly, stroking her hair before pressing his mouth to her head.
The feeling of their son wriggling in her belly – which even alone never failed to make her smile – coupled with Loki's comfort was slowly but surely calming her down, making her realize that perhaps he was right – maybe she hadn't ruined everything. Nearly, she suspected, but not completely.
Sigyn was prepared to stay there forever, but Loki tensed, which prompted her to pull away from him worriedly. She looked up to his face, tilting her head at his curious features.
"What is it?" Sigyn said.
A small smile was inching its way onto his features, and his gaze made its way down to her stomach. He cleared his throat quietly before he spoke.
"Is that him moving? I mean, I felt something, but I could be wrong..."
Sigyn smiled widely and nodded. The feeling of the baby moving, stretching, and kicking had become so natural to her that she forgot sometimes that it could be noticed by others.
"Yes, it is. It seems as if he's feeling rather active," she said gleefully, the thoughts of that morning nearly gone now that their son was the center of attention.
Her hands moved to caress the spot on her belly where his foot was protruding slightly, and Loki wasted no time in following her movements and feeling the sensation for himself. His hand was cold, even through her dress and underclothes, but she didn't have time to ponder on that because just a second after Loki's hand touched her, their son began to kick and move fervently, causing Sigyn to laugh. Loki, however, looked more shocked than anything.
"He loves you," she said happily. It was an obvious fact to her, but it seemed to surprise Loki.
Loki nodded just slightly, never taking his eyes off of her stomach, and his hand didn't move from its place. He seemed a little breathless when he spoke, as if he had never thought of their son in such a way before.
"It seems as if he does, yes," Loki all but whispered, finally tearing his eyes away from her belly and looking to her again.
"I love you too, you know," she said seriously, looking into his eyes . She found herself making sure that after all that had happened in the past day, that nothing could make him think she loved him any less, or that she could ever stop.
His response was not words, as she had expected it to be. Instead, Loki pressed his lips to hers, moving one hand to lit her chin. It was a soft, steady kiss that made her feel loved, and she found herself smiling against him despite herself.
Sigyn still felt bad for not telling him, but at least now she knew to do so in the future, and that brought her consolation – well, that, and the fact that Loki wasn't angry at all anymore. Still, she knew that what she had done was not to be forgotten. But, she thought, perhaps it could be forgiven.
A/U: Hello friends! I hope everyone had a lovely New Year, though I know that's sort of old news now.
Sorry about the gap between chapters. But this chapter is much, much longer than the others, so that probably makes up for lost time! I loved this chapter because I finally got to add a good amount of good old drama and angst, which is just about my favorite category to work with (save for sadness/heart-wrenching sorrow). And, of course, lots of brotherly fluff-esque things, which is never a bad thing! I love developing relationships and characters within the plot, and so it will be very interesting to see what will happen later, and how that could change the movie-verse...
And as always, thank you for reviewing/favoriting/following! I'd LOVE to hear everyone's thoughts on this chapter. It would mean a lot to me.