Quandary – Chapter 13
It was dark. Not just a dim sort of dark, but rather a pitch blackness that no regular set of eyes could possibly pierce through. Silence accompanied the darkness with a deafening ringing sound that would certainly block out any other sort of sounds there could be.
But Sigyn was not afraid. She felt oddly weightless, almost as if she was not really in her warm, plush bed, with Loki just inches from her, sleeping soundly. She simply stared into the dark, unable to sleep but not wary because of it; it happened often, and Freyja had said it was normal not to sleep well at this stage for many women. It was mostly because it was uncomfortable to lie down, but with him kicking and stretching within her so much, she wasn't going to sleep well even if she did doze off. But she did not mind.
But suddenly, Sigyn felt as if something was wrong. She had been listening for Loki's breathing, to ensure that his breaths came even and restful, but she could hear nothing. The silence, she realized, covered even the most relaxing sound of all.
She reached out, if only out of instinct, and tried to feel Loki's sleeping form beside her – but there was nothing there. Perhaps he had already risen, perhaps he had already gone. She sat up, expecting to struggle with the weight of her belly...
But there was no struggle. Her swollen belly was simply not there, and she grasped her abdomen in horror, grabbing for her child that was no longer there.
She screamed.
"Sigyn!"
Her name on the lips of Loki was the only thing strong enough to break through her barrier between consciousness and slumber. Her eyes shot open, her breathing strenuous, and she immediately reached out in the direction of his voice. Loki was lying next to her, propped up on an elbow, his breath fast and short. Her arms were met with his hands, and he began trying to soothe her by shushing her fears and rubbing her arms soothingly. When she finally met his gaze, his eyes were full of fright; he looked tired, and his long hair – which had never been so long in all the time she had known him, though she liked it very much – was tangled and fell in his face slightly; a sign of sleeplessness.
"Sigyn, darling," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. One of his hands moved to brush her cheek with his knuckles. "What is it? You shouted."
Sigyn's breathing was slowly becoming less labored. Her hands moved quickly down to her belly, relishing in the feeling of their child inside her once more. She moved to grasp Loki again, to feel him next to her and safe, and in response he pulled her into his arms and laid them both back onto the bed.
"I had a nightmare," she said quietly, her arms wrapping around his middle. "It was awful."
"As nightmares usually are," Loki replied, his voice smooth and calming. Sigyn's head tucked under his chin, and his arms were comfortingly wrapped around her shoulders. "It's all over now, though. There is nothing to fear."
Sigyn took a shaky breath, her grip on his loose sleeping shirt not as tight as before. "Yes, you're right. It's over. It's over."
"What was it about?" Loki asked a moment later, his fingers tracing delicate circles on her shoulder blade. "Or would you rather not speak of it? Either way is fine, love."
A ghostly smile touched Sigyn's lips at his kindness, and she snuggled closer to Loki's chest. It wasn't that she wanted to talk about it, or that she didn't, but she felt a fear in her chest still lingering from the dream, and she knew speaking of it would help it to dissipate.
"I was not longer pregnant," she said simply, her breathing now normal once again. "My belly... our son, he was simply not there."
She felt a low chuckle in Loki's chest. "Well, you know you're pregnancy will end eventually, yes?"
Sigyn giggled a little. "Yes. But it wasn't as if I had given birth. Something was wrong. That's why I screamed."
She felt Loki nod slightly. His hand slid from her arm to her belly in between them, and his fingers stretched across the surface of her nightgown.
"Everything is fine, you know. I know nightmares can be horribly lifelike – but see? He's kicking and stretching and everything. He seems terribly happy," Loki said, his hand rubbing the skin of her belly through the fabric of her nightgown gently.
Sure enough, their son was moving around and twisting inside her, and it felt amazing; his feet and hands were pressing against her skin, and if you looked hard enough you could see the outline of his tiny feet. She felt that now, it was not something that would keep her awake, but rather something that would help her sleep. Her hand joined Loki's on her stomach.
"I know," she said, nuzzling her forehead into him. "But it sparked a fear in me that something could go wrong. Something could happen. And I am helpless to stop it."
The darkness in her mind, that edge she seemed to be standing on, had risen from the back of her thoughts once again, and she felt as if she would fall at any moment. An impending doom, waiting to welcome her into it's dark embrace. She felt a shill creep through her.
"Sigyn," Loki said, sounding both concerned and amused. "Do you really think something could go wrong, or are you simply flustered from your nightmare?"
She lifted her head to look at him seriously. "I am fearful of what will happen. What if the chills are not something harmless, but the healers have simply not encountered it before? What if I have done something wrong and am unknowingly putting him at risk? What if I do not know as much about pregnancy as I think I do, regardless of what I have read, and am missing something important? I simply could not – "
"Please stop," Loki said calmly, his eyes staring into hers with a matching seriousness.
"I'm sorry," she said immediately, her gaze moving away from his eyes. "Maybe you're right. Maybe it was just the nightmare."
She still couldn't shake the feeling inside her, but she was tired. She wanted to sleep, and she knew agreeing with Loki and allowing him to calm her instead of fighting him on it would help her rest.
"You really must stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault," he said absentmindedly, before moving his hand from her stomach to pet her head, placing a kiss on her hair. He settled into the bed once again before continuing, his words muffled by the pillow. "And yes, I believe it was. It had to be, really."
"'Had to be'?" Sigyn said, her eyebrows furrowing.
"Mm-hm," Loki mumbled tiredly. "Because I know nothing bad will happen."
"How? How can you be sure?"
"Because I won't let any harm come to you, or our son. While he's in the womb, when he's born... Never," Loki said, his eyes opening to look at her through his eyelashes. "You're safe, Sigyn. And so is he. You mustn't let fears control you, lest they may succeed."
Sigyn took a deep breath, the knot in her chest growing smaller at his words. She smiled a little at Loki's tired, groggy expression, and couldn't help but wonder how he could be so wise when so exhausted. Or so young, for that matter. But he had always been that way, as she remembered – miles ahead of all of those around him, both in intelligence and whatever was happening around them.
She draped her arm around his middle and pressed her cheek to his chest once more, smiling again at the feeling of his even breaths in her hair, indicating his sleep. She closed her eyes, the images from her nightmare all but gone from her memory.
"Thank you, Loki," she whispered, before falling into a deep sleep that went uninterrupted throughout the night.
The sun beat down on the Thor's cheeks with pleasant warmth, the cold breeze sending shivers down his spine and piercing through his armor and flowing crimson cape. He should have worn his furs, he realized, but he had just been training and would have taken them off anyway. He was walking down the path that led through the gardens and back to the side entrance into the palace, and he longed for the warmth inside. It was lesser known entrance, one used only by those who either lived in the palace or worked within its walls, and therefore provided a much easier way of coming and going for the prince.
The two guards stationed outside the door opened them for him in a timely manner as he approached, and he entered the western entrance hall, which was considerably smaller than the main hall, and exhaled at the instant warmth that washed over him from the relief of cold air. His lungs rejoiced in the cease of sharp pain, and he took a deep breath to satisfy them as he continued his trek up the stairs and down the royal chambers corridor.
There were guards stationed throughout the palace, in case of emergency or errands, but the royal chambers corridor, which housed the princes' rooms and washrooms, their private library, and more recently Sigyn and Loki's shared chambers and washrooms, had many more guards than a regular corridor might. This was for extra protection, for the princes of Asgard were many a time the targets of ill mannered deeds.
Thor stopped halfway to Loki and Sigyn's chambers and addressed a guard, who was standing stock-still in between the doors that led to Thor's washroom and Loki's.
"Guard," Thor said, both in greeting and to get his attention. "I wish to know if Prince Loki is in his chambers today?"
The guard did not make eyes contact with him, but rather stared forward, as the guards almost always did.
"He is in his shared chambers with Sigyn, your royal highness," the guard said, his voice official and flat.
Thor nodded, and made his way there. He stopped again, however, in front of there door; he remembered last time he had gone barging in had ended in a mental image that had not yet left his mind. And so, with his ways forever changed, he knocked on the door with three solid knock, knock, knocks and waited for a response.
He first heard movement, and then a muffled mumble. The door opened not five seconds later, and his little brother appeared in front of him, his hair tussled and his eyes half-shut, a yawn on his features.
But, Thor thought, at least he was wearing bottoms – and even a shirt – this time.
"Ah," Thor said slightly bitterly, giving Loki a once-over. "I see you're clothed this time."
"Oh, my gods," Loki said slowly, closing his eyes and turning his head away form Thor in exasperation. "Are you really still harping on that?"
"Yes, I am," Thor said firmly, a pout on his lips. "I have not yet become accustomed to the fact that my brother is... active in such ways. And I'm especially not used to seeing it firsthand, so I apologize for my continued discomfort."
"Thor," Loki whined. "You know Sigyn's not the first woman I've been with, right?"
"Just the first that's gotten pregnant," Thor mumbled, not intending it to be rude, but rather continuing his bitterness towards his brother's apparent adventures between the sheets that Thor had never known about.
"Really?" Loki said, seeming too tired or too annoyed to care about Thor's harsh, albeit meaningless words. "You're going there?"
"I already did," Thor said, before sighing at Loki's growing exasperation. "Look, I've come to ask if you would like to accompany me today to the training arena. I thought we might spar, perhaps look at the new weapons the smith has made this past month. I heard his newest work, a set of swords made from Vanaheim's best metals, is as balanced as Surtur's Twilight Sword! I doubt that they actually are, you know how the village talks – you know, rumors and such. I must see them and try them out for myself, though. I cannot resist."
Thor stopped speaking, examining Loki's downtrodden expression with confusion.
"What is it, brother?" Thor asked, tilting his head slightly.
Loki took a short breath, glancing behind him and into the room, causing Thor to follow his gaze with his own stare. He saw Sigyn, lying in the bed facing away from the door, white-blonde hair sprawled onto the pillow. Loki looked back to Thor, stepping out of the door and shutting it quietly behind him.
"I'm sorry," Thor said. "I did not know she was sleeping, I would have been quieter..." He did not want to prevent a pregnant woman from sleeping, and he felt a small pang of guilt for possibly stopping Sigyn, who had been ill, from resting.
Loki shrugged. "She's peaceful. She won't wake when she's in such a deep sleep, so it doesn't matter."
Thor nodded slowly, still confused at Loki's strange behavior; the odd look on his face, the strange way he was avoiding his gaze... It was abnormal.
"So," Thor said, if only to cut the silence. "About the training arena..."
"Yes, about that," Loki said, his tone guilty, but somehow nonchalant, too. "I cannot go with you."
"What?" Thor said, nearly laughing. "You always come to train. You haven't been in so long, I thought you might have gone limp in the arms!" He was jesting, of course, but that was how they communicated sometimes. He continued quickly, as Loki remained quite plain faced. "And the swords. What about the swords? I would have thought their apparent connection to Surtur's own blade might interest you. I know it would, actually. You used to love the tales father told us of him and his sword. Won't you come?"
Loki took a deep, long breath, closing his eyes briefly before looking back to his brother, the tiredness gone from his gaze.
"Listen, Thor... It's not that I don't wish to go, it's just that I thought I might stay in with Sigyn today, perhaps take a walk in the fresh air, if it's not too cold. I don't have any council meetings or other duties today, and those sort of days are so far and few between. And I haven't spent a full day with her in far too long, it feels like. Plus, she would like it if I stayed. We've been thinking of beginning the discussion of names," Loki finished, his thought process drifting, his distancing gaze signifying his absentmindedness.
Thor's eyebrows had long since creased, and his mind struggled to concoct an answer for the question burning through the layers of thoughts currently circling through his mind: Why didn't he choose me?Now, Thor knew that was selfish, but he couldn't help it. All of his life, ever since Loki had been brought to him for the first time as a child, just a small babe swaddled in green silk, Thor had become his protector, his big brother. And in return, Loki had become his shadow. He was the one he could always turn around and talk to, always go to for anything, and he always expected him to be there, at the ready. Loki had been attached to him, and Thor to him, and up until his teenage years, he had welcome the small shadow and tiny footsteps following him around. He had put a stop to it in his adolescence, but they never really grew apart. Loki still acted as a shadow of sorts, a rock to turn to in a time of trouble or boredom, and Thor was realizing he had taken advantage of that.
And now, it seemed, it was too late. Loki had his own life, and he no longer needed to go with Thor to have fun. He had Sigyn, and their child, and Thor was just the uncle who would visit every once and a while and maybe bring a gift for the boy, and maybe exchange a stale handshake with the brother he had once considered to be the closest friend he had ever had, who had found a life away from him and had clung to it instead...
Thor thought about other people he could spend time with, like Sif and the Warriors Three, but then he realized something, something that made his heart drop: He did not want to. He wanted his brother, his baby brother, and he could not see a future in which Sif or the Warriors Three would ever be what Loki was to him. He suddenly felt very alone, because Loki had been the only one he had ever cared to be around for long periods of time, and now that was over.
"Oh," Thor said simply, giving his little brother a single nod. "I see. Well, that makes sense, I suppose. She is carrying your child, after all, yes?" Thor chuckled, though it was forced. He swallowed, his smile fading slightly. It was his turn to avoid Loki's gaze, now.
"Thor," Loki said quietly, obviously realizing Thor had taken badly to the rejection. "I—"
"Be sure to bring extra furs if you go out," Thor interrupted, forcing a smile onto his features as he made to leave. "It's quite cold out. I wouldn't want either of you catching your death of cold, now would I? Goodbye, brother. I shall speak to you soon, perhaps."
With that, Thor turned and walked away, back towards the side entrance from which he had come. Loki did not stop him. He did not call after him. His heart was heavy, and he did not wish to return. He did not wish to see his brothers face, and know that he had chosen someone else.
Thor's mind was disgusting the side of him that knew how disturbingly selfish and foolish he was being, but he couldn't do anything about it. It felt like he had lost his brother when Sigyn fell pregnant, but he was just now realizing it and had been living in a dream reality since then. He had been living a lie, believing that everything would be exactly the same between them, thinking that they would live the same lives and do all of the same activities that they once had, even with Sigyn and the child there. But he was wrong, and it hurt to know things were different.
Because even if he hadn't known it, he had loved when Loki had been his shadow. And now the only shadow following behind him was his own, and it just wasn't good enough.
Sigyn eyelids opened heavily, her mouth dry and her lips stuck together from deep sleep. Her eyes adjusted to the light, and she saw the sun shining in through the window, indicating that it must have been close to late morning. She didn't mind, though; when she slept in, she felt a tenfold better than when she rose early.
She took in an easy deep breath and turned her head to look for Loki, even though she assumed he wasn't still in bed. He wasn't, although he was in the sitting chair near the window, legs spread wide and eyes intently scanning the pages of an impossibly old looking leather-bound book, his slender fingers carefully touching the pages as he read.
"I would have thought you would be at the council," she said with a smile, turning on her side to face him, leaning up on her elbow slightly. She was happy he was there. It meant she had someone to talk to, and it made an excellent excuse for her not to have her handmaidens come in for the day.
Loki's gaze left the book immediately to meet her stare, and a a smile spread across his lips as he gently shut the book and placed it on the arm of the chair, careful to not let it fall when he stood from the chair to make his way to the bed. He bent over to place a short kiss on her mouth, his hand brushing her belly through the sheets and furs.
"The council has no need of me today," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Of course, I don't really think they need me when I am there, considering they don't actually listen to me, but they haven't called on me today, at least. I thought I'd stay in with you, as I haven't in a while."
Sigyn's smile widened at his words. She didn't like to complain – and she didn't – but it did get lonely. She knew most people would try and get to know the people in the palace, maybe if even dare to go with Loki to one of the council meetings to meet the members, but Sigyn couldn't to any of that. No one wanted to know her, let alone allow her to enter the council room. The only person in the palace other than Loki and Thor that had welcomed her was the Queen, and Sigyn didn't want to go to her during the day, knowing she had much more important things to do than keep her company. She was so kind to her, though, and Sigyn couldn't help but wonder if Frigga would mind after all.
And with the rumor still around, Sigyn simply couldn't bare to go outside.
"I'm so glad," Sigyn said, heaving herself up to lean back onto the pillows behind her. "What did you plan to do? I mean, I don't do much other than read or decorate the nursery, and the decorating is all but done, and I don't think our day together should be spent reading."
Loki nodded his agreement. "I agree. Besides, I've been reading for hours," he said, motioning towards the chair and book.
"Hours," Sigyn repeated. "You've been up that long?"
"Yes, ever since Thor woke me," Loki said, sighing and running his hand through his hair, which he obviously didn't notice was getting so long. "He wanted me to accompany him to see some... new swords, or something. To train, essentially."
"Oh," Sigyn said, speaking quickly. "You know you could have accepted his offer, right? I wouldn't mind at all. I don' want to keep you here against your wishes, and I don't—"
"Sigyn, Sigyn," Loki said, his voice calming, placing his hand over hers in her lap. "I wish to stay with you. My choice was my own."
"I'm sorry," she said guiltily, feeling bad for always rambling on about things. About everything, it seemed.
Loki's expression morphed into one of both sadness and annoyance. "Really, Sigyn," he said. "As I said last night, you really must stop apologizing for everything. You are rarely in the wrong. Please understand that not everything that happens is your fault."
She knew Loki was right. She apologized a lot, and she knew many times it was not needed, but she couldn't stop herself. Always it had been her fault if something had gone wrong at her home. If an animal got loose, her mother had blamed Sigyn for it, claiming that she should have double checked the gate. If an animal died, she would be blamed for not feeding it correctly or not noticing it was ill. If she spilled the water on the way back from the well or in the house when she simply couldn't carry it anymore, she would be blamed for filling it too high. If she rejected a suitor because she said she could not be with a man whom she did not love for the rest of her life, she would be blamed for being weak and childish.
Sigyn knew her parents loved her. They really did, along with her siblings, but a hard life of peasantry and working a farm that could barely even feed their own let alone produce enough goods to sell made it hard for them proved to be hardening for their hearts. She knew that if they had had an easier path in life, her experience with them would have been different. But she still wished their actions when she was young had not affected her all her life.
"I know," she said finally, her eyes moving away from his and settling their gaze on the bed. "And I'm trying. It's... been a difficult transition, is all."
"I can imagine life here is very different," Loki said sympathetically, his tone half-encouraging her to continue if she so wished.
"It is," Sigyn continued. "But it's a good different. I mean, there's no chores, or chastising when I do nothing wrong, or... Well, and there's you. I've loved living with you. It's been everything I've dreamed of since I was a child, if that doesn't sound too creepy..."
"It doesn't," Loki chuckled. "I find it both amusing and flattering. You daydreamed, there's nothing wrong with that."
Sigyn smiled a little in thanks of his kindness. "I'm glad," she said, intertwining their fingers and running her thumb across the pale-white skin of his palm. "I suppose the most challenging problem has been the sense of responsibility I still harbor for my home and my family. My labor there had been their main extraction of goods, and without me I fear what they will do."
Loki's brow had furrowed. "I'm sure they have other means by which to do what you did."
Sigyn replied quickly, afraid of how she had come off in her previous statements. "I don't mean to sound selfish, it's just... I had always been the one to do most of the work. I understand why, of course – there was no one else. My father had his work on the village farms, repairing the equipment, and my mother was always too fragile to work the animals and such. My brother was already gone and on his own with a family, and my sisters are too young. I was it, really," she said, her thoughts wandering, somewhat with sadness, to her family.
Loki gently squeezed her hand, moving his other hand to encase hers in both of his. "I'm sorry you and your family suffered in such ways. I would have helped, but it would have been seen as favoritism, and the other peasants would have caused an uproar. It was favoritism, towards you, but that wouldn't have mattered to them," he jested, obviously trying to lighten the mood – which, given the circumstances, she was thankful for.
"It's alright," Sigyn assured him, chuckling at his last words and returning the squeeze. "It's not as if it's your fault, or anything."
"No, it isn't," he replied absentmindedly, looking into her eyes. His expression turned serious then, and he spoke with no jest. "I know it's been difficult for you, living here with a sudden child on the way... It's been the same for me, gods know, but I didn't have to withstand the drastic change in scenery or the separation from family, so I don't really have a right to say anything," he continued, a small smile breaking his serious expression, his gaze looking upon her with a gentle fondness that it seemed he had for no one but her. "You've been amazing, Sigyn. Really, you have. You've been braver than anyone I've ever met in these past six months. I just wanted to make sure you know how proud of you I am."
Sigyn could feel her cheeks darken, and her gaze immediately left his and she smiled at the bed bashfully. His words, though warming her heart, had set a fear into her; what if she disappointed him in the future? What if she wasn't as good a mother as he thought she would be? What if she broke from the pressure and change of the palace, and she was no longer someone he could be proud of?
She took a deep breath, her face still reddening. Certainly, she couldn't fail so miserably. And even if she did, Loki would surely not care. Everyone made mistakes, and someone in her situation, she knew, was bound to make more than the average person. She just had to come to terms with the fact that she couldn't be perfect, and that no one expected her to be. Except maybe her parents.
"It has been difficult," she agreed, though she remained bashful. "But I am no saint. I've just done what had to be done, and that is to get used to this life rather than my old one, which is no longer mine. This is my life, now, and yours too. I've all but realized that, I suppose. Perhaps that is what you think of. But trust me, Loki, I am no saint."
Loki leaned in to kiss her again, which shocked her this time more than anything. It didn't stop her from returning it, but still.
"Oh, please," Loki said, leaning back. "You are and you know it. I shall not cease being proud of you, nor should you cease from being proud of yourself. Your choice to live here instead of the only home you knew was bravery to its highest extent, and the fact that you haven't chosen to go back is even more so. Many people would have returned to the place they had always known, with the people they had always known. But you didn't. I'm both thankful for that, for I love nothing more than having you here, and I am also saddened."
Sigyn tilted her head, deciding to not respond to the compliments that she knew she would simply stutter like an idiot in response to. "Saddened? Why?"
"I know you miss your family," he said simply, soothing the furs over her thigh. "I can't even imagine leaving my family in a time like this. I often feel a little guilty for asking you to come here to live with me. Selfish, even."
"No, no, no," Sigyn said, adjusting her sitting position to lean towards him slightly, as much as her belly would let her. "Don't feel that way. Please, you mustn't. Just as you said earlier, my choice was my own. I did not feel forced or obligated, I simply felt as if it would be better for me and for the baby for you and I to be together and more prepared for his arrival if I were here. Yes, I do miss my family, but not as much as you would miss yours, or as much as I would miss you. I do not have a Thor to call upon when I need him. I just have you. So me being here.. it's truly lovely."
Loki seemed confused. "You had your siblings, was it not the same? Do you not miss talking with them?"
Sigyn smiled at that. She found is both amusing and adorable that Loki honestly didn't understand the concept of not having a sibling to speak with, or to spend time with. Because he had never known a time without Thor, he simply did not understand why she wouldn't miss talking with her siblings.
"My siblings are not as you see Thor," Sigyn said, smiling as he tilted his head. "My sisters are too young to have a conversation with – and frankly I do not miss changing their dirty underthings when I had so many other things to do. My brother and I were close when I was young, but he is older than I am and moved away before I grew into a more mature age."
"Oh," Loki said, and then an unsure smile crept onto his features. He changed the subject, and he looked nervous "You know, we'll have a few more dirty underthings to change soon."
Sigyn stomach did an excited flip at the thought. "Indeed," she said dreamily. "But this will be different. I'll be happy to change his clothes, but with my sisters I was forced when I was busy with chores."
Loki laughed lightly. "I don't know how to do it, if I'm to be honest. I've never even watched someone do it."
Sigyn laughed, too, and brushed a piece of hair behind Loki's ear. "It's alright. I'll teach you."
"Good," Loki said, nodding once. "Then I know I will be in good hands. But—" He paused, standing from the bed and offering Sigyn a helpful arm, "— first, he must be born. And that will not happen today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. And so we shall spend today not as parents. Not yet."
Sigyn took his arm and used his balance to help herself stand from the bed, her back immediately beginning to ache as she stood on her feet. She didn't let it phase her, though, for she was too excited about having the entirety of the day to spend with Loki.
"Then what shall we be?" Sigyn asked, looking up at Loki as his hands found her waist.
"Hmm," he hummed, obviously feigning a thought-process. "Well, for starters, we could be a couple with no responsibilities."
"Oh, I'm liking the sound of that. Though I don't have many responsibilities here," Sigyn replied, her arms reaching up so that her hands could clasp behind his neck.
"Of course you do," Loki said dubiously. "You have countless responsibilities in the palace. I mean, really – you're growing another being inside of you. There isn't much else that's useful that someone could do."
"I suppose," Sigyn said, still unsure if that counted or not. "But I don't have council meetings or training events to go to, or any schmoozing to accomplish at any balls or parties."
"True," Loki said. "But I find that less of a responsibility and more of a nuisance, really. But anyway, back to what we could do with our time. Lets see... young couple with no responsibilities – check."
Sigyn giggled at his jests, and he grinned and dipped his head low in order to kiss her forehead. Sigyn's mind flash-backed to the night she conceived, and how nervous she was when he had kissed her head back then. She had never been kissed before, let alone by the man she had loved since she met him as a child. And, just as he had proceeded that first time, his mouth slowly made its way down to her mouth.
But unlike their first time, Sigyn moved her head away, and Loki pulled away immediately, probably afraid of making her uncomfortable in some way. Sigyn's heart dropped. Her face went downcast, and her smile faded.
The reason for her dread was simple: she did not feel beautiful anymore. In the past few weeks the infamous "pregnancy weight" had hit her, it seemed, and her face, as well as arms and legs, were rounder and fuller than they had been before. She did not feel fat, per say, but she certainly didn't feel like she did before. She could not see how he could possibly look at her the same, let alone kiss her, or anything else.
Loki tensed, as if he had done something wrong. He lifted her chin gently, scanning her features. "What is it? Is something wrong? I understand if you do not wish to continue, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, by any means..."
"No, it's not that. You haven't done anything wrong," Sigyn said quickly, shaking her head. "It's just... I would have no objection, none at all, believe me, except for..." She paused, and Loki said nothing as she hesitated for words. When she found what to say, she looked into his eyes again, her gaze even more hesitant than her words. "I know there is no risk. Freyja confirmed that when I asked. I'm not worried about me or the baby, it's just that... I just don't feel like I used to."
He still seemed confused, but his hand rose to her face to brush her cheek with his knuckle. He smiled slightly. "If you're tired, that's normal. I certainly don't mind. We could simply—"
"Oh, no," Sigyn corrected again, closing her eyes at the frustration of constant miscommunication. "That's not what I meant. I mean... I don't feel the same... physically. As in, visually. I've... I've gained weight, and I know it's noticeable..."
"Wait... what? That's what this is about?" Loki said, smiling and then laughing at her words. But when she looked up to him, hurt, he stopped laughing and his smile faded immediately. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude by laughing, but... I find that so utterly ridiculous that I simply cannot help it."
Sigyn suddenly felt a little foolish. Still, however, her thoughts lingered on and on. "That's kind. But I have gained the weight, regardless of what you see, and I do not find myself to be particularly appealing anymore."
She could tell just with a glance that Loki was trying not to smile, the corners of his mouth twitching with the struggle.
"I do wish you were joking, darling," Loki said, pulling her closer by the waist until her extended middle pressed against his own, not-so-swollen front. "If only because it is so untrue. You say you don't find yourself appealing, but I cannot see how that's possible. You look as beautiful as ever, swollen belly or not, and whether you've gained half a pound or ten – I cannot tell. I've known you to be gorgeous since the moment I saw you in the market six months ago, after being apart for so long."
Sigyn had not known it, but a smile had curved onto her lips, and her eyes were staring into Loki's with such love and gratefulness that she thought she might burst at the seams. Just when she was about to thank him, to kiss him and thank him again, he continued, and her heart jumped.
"When I was young I did not know how to appreciate beauty," Loki said, his gaze never leaving her face. "And so naturally I did not see you as such. I simply knew you as a friend, a lovely companion whose company I never tired of. But when I saw you in the market, well... that image changed. And you have not changed since the market. So please, you mustn't think of yourself as anything less than what I've told you. Anything else is a lie."
For a short moment Sigyn wondered how Loki was always able to bring her out of whatever melancholy state she found herself in. Perhaps it was his love for her, or of her love for him that made it so easy for him to cheer her, or perhaps it was manipulative talent put to a good use for once rather than a menacing one – even though he didn't do that all too often, as some people thought.
"Thank you, Loki," she said, her voice sincere and loving.
He pulled a face, apparently confused. "For what?"
She giggled at his confusion, thinking on how funny it was that he thought he was just changing her mind and not actually making her day with his words. She placed her hands on the back of his neck again, pulling him down to kiss him – much to his surprise, for whatever reason. Nevertheless, of course, he kissed her back, his hands still on her waist.
He hummed slightly into her mouth, pulling away just slightly. "But still, if you don't feel well..."
Sigyn shook her head. "I'm quite well, Loki, I've already told you that," she said, lifting her chin towards him and smiling slightly. "Now stop worrying about me and kiss me again."
"I can manage one out of two," Loki said throatily, mouth curling into a small smile as leaned down again to capture her mouth with his. She instantly relaxed at the feeling of being so close to him, and she melted like ice into the kiss.
The bitter liquid traveled down his throat with the ease of a practiced mouth, warming his throat with the burning sensation and hitting his stomach to join the cups and cups of its kin while placing an increasingly satisfied – and progressively confused – daze over his head and thoughts.
He called for another drink soon after he finished his cup, and the bartender look weary.
"Are you sure you want another, my lord?"
Thor wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looking at the bartender from under his eyebrows. He pushed his cup towards the older man.
"Yes," he replied gravely, his double-vision gaze shifting back to the wooden counter in front of him. "I am sure."
The bartender sighed, pulling out the wooden jug of honey mead from below the bar and pouring the prince's cup to the brim once more.
Thor pulled the cup closer to him, staring down into its contents and sniffing dryly. As he turned the cup and watched as the liquid did not move with it, he thought of how much he disliked drinking alone. There was no one to jest to, no one to drink against or exchange stories with. There was no one to start a drunken spar with, no one to listen to his troubles or vice versa. He had originally thought that coming to the tavern to take a drink would help him and his impending loneliness, but it turns out all it was doing for him was making him realize how very alone he was.
He looked to his right, half-expecting in his drunkenness to see his little brother next to him, struggling to down as much mead as his more experienced brother, failing but trying all the same. He could see him there, taking his very first sip of mead, and almost gagging at the taste. He could see him in his first drunken state, his first mead-induced rage, his first alcoholic crying fest... Thor had been there for it all, and now he felt like Loki had drifted out of arms length, and he was unable to reach him anymore.
Before he knew it, Thor had finished his next cup, and another after that. He had been there for well over an hour, ignoring greetings from others and not even bothering to say anything to anyone. A prince seen in the tavern was no news, but Thor suspected – only for a moment, for his plastered mind could not hold a thought for very long – that a drunk, borderline angry prince would cause a little more of a stir.
After yet another cup of mead, this time a spiced Vanaheim blend, which was much stronger than the honey mead he had been downing, Thor stood from his stool at the bar. He nearly toppled immediately, but managed to steady himself on the counter before stumbling to the exit. He could hear the mumbles and whispers around him, undoubtedly speaking of him, but if they were actually speaking quietly or if his mind was portraying their voices that way he did not know.
The cold did not bother him as he stepped into the chilled afternoon air, but the sun glared painfully into his eyes and he felt as if someone was placing a blazing lantern in his face. But still he soldiered on, stumbling through the frozen, crunchy grass and onto the busy paved main road. He was walking steady enough to not be noticed as drunk by anyone who didn't know him closely, but the number of forms he was bumping into surely caused a confusion.
Soon enough, the road led him to the palace's grounds gate. He was too drunk to think otherwise, but he had approached the main gates rather than the more discreet side or back entrances; but Thor's mind was set only on hiding himself away from the depressing thoughts that racked his mind than common sense. And so he entered the palace without a thought of how a staggering prince would look to the commoners walking outside the gates, eyes always closely trained on whoever entered, unlike the busier people on the main road.
The inside of the palace only made him feel worse. The grand stairs that he saw when he entered only reminded him of Loki first climbing them, or first slipping on them; first sliding down the railing with Thor's aid, and the even more exciting first time alone. He could remember – and in his state of mind, even see in front of him – the first time he had brought Loki home, sore and aching after his first real training session and after his first battle, bandaged and ailing. He could remember when he had first led Loki up the stairs when he first became drunk, or when he teased him up the steps after he first began courting someone so long ago.
His legs felt heavy climbing them now. Each step was a mountain, and his head swirled on his shoulders as he stepped up them. His gaze was trying to focus on his steps, but even the stairs went in and out of focus and he stopped for a moment as to not fall.
His hand gripped the railing and he forced his feet to move again, ignoring the feeling of nausea overcoming him. His thoughts were a mixture of the sadness he felt about his life changing before his eyes, and the regret he felt for attempting to forget about everything by drowning himself in mead. It wasn't helping. It was making everything worse, and he wished he would have kept a straight head for long enough to realize that drinking was never the answer.
But now it was too late, and his thoughts were so blurred that he momentarily forgot where his room was. He managed to stumble across his wash room, and he passed the guards without even noticing them and entered the large, marble-walled room.
His unclothed chest felt cool against her hot cheek, and his arms that were wrapped around her felt both comforting and cooling, too. She figured her hot skin would find anything cool; she had been experiencing hot flashes, a very different problem than her chills – and much more common, she was told. They came several times a day, but they stopped at night, even though she had been told by Freyja that they would be worse at night. She was glad, though, for it provided a comforting relief when she crawled into bed at night.
Loki's fingertips brushed invisible patterns into the back of her bare shoulder, and her head tucked further under his chin as he did so. He took a deep breath, her hair moving with his breathing. Their legs were intertwined, and the skin on skin contact made Sigyn feel like she never wanted to leave that spot, if only because she felt so safe and comfortable, and nothing could harm her or her baby as long as she was there.
But their day – which she was so happy to have – spent together should be spent not in the palace, she thought. She was quickly growing tired of the golden walls and snobby glares, and she wanted to get fresh air. Yet, at the same time, she did not want to endure the horrors of the market again, either. Anything but that.
"Sigyn," Loki said, pulling away just enough to look down at her face as she lifted her head to face him. "I've just been remembering what you said earlier, and I have a plan for today... regardless of how much I would love staying here."
"I know how you feel," Sigyn said, propping herself on her elbow on her side. "But what did I say? I mean, what part of what I said are you talking about?"
Loki pulled himself up in order to lean his shoulders and head on the pillows behind them, yawning before running a hand through his hair and untwisting his legs from the sheets.
"About your family," he said, looking back to her as she, too, sat against the pillows. "And how you miss them."
Sigyn nodded, not yet seeing how this pertained to something they could do together. "And?"
"I think we should visit them," Loki said finally, throwing the remainder of furs and silks off of his legs to stand from the bed.
"But," Sigyn said, her mind too focused on the negatives of his plan and why he would suggest it to even notice Loki's bare figure collecting his garments. "But..."
Loki was pulling his bottoms on when she stammered for words, and he stood straight once they were on and looked at her curiously.
"Unless you would rather not?" Loki suggested, tilting his head slightly at her behavior.
Sigyn took a moment before she answered in order to gather her thoughts. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her family, but rather that she didn't wish for them to be harsh or cruel to Loki as they had been so many times before. Her mother – ever the bitter soul – despised Loki for taking her daughter away from her prematurely, even though she would have gladly sold her off to a good marriage in a heartbeat. And her father was disgusted at the fact that she had sexual relations with anyone before marriage, and since he was the prince, well... the peasants weren't exactly on good terms with the royals. They claimed they had more rights than they were being given, and they were outraged that they were not being given what they thought they deserved. Sigyn had always stayed out of the political side of things for the most part, but even she knew the scale of classes on Asgard was imbalanced.
She simply did not wish to see them treat Loki spitefully. Or her, for that matter, or especially their unborn son. She missed her sisters, and she would give anything to see her busy brother again, but she couldn't find a balance of good and bad in her mind that would give her all of those things.
"Are you quite well?" Loki asked, now dressed fully in armor, Sigyn noticed. "You seem rather distracted over something. That, and you have not yet responded to my suggestion."
Sigyn swallowed. She knew she would have to see her family again, and she figured it might as well be with Loki rather than facing them alone. He could handle whatever they said. She jut wasn't sure if she could.
"I'm just worried of what they will say, is all," Sigyn said. "They have not yet come to terms with our new life."
Loki smiled a little. "Neither have we."
Sigyn smiled in return. "I suppose you're right. But they're more cruel about showing it, you have to admit."
"Yes, I recall their snide remarks and dirty looks. But you must see your family, regardless of how they might act. I still speak with my father, even though he wishes for me to kick you out of the palace and leave you in the streets to rot," Loki said, his words making Sigyn flinch.
She always forgot about how the All-Father thought of her. She supposed it was because his reputation as the wise and powerful Odin made her think he was as he seemed, when in truth he was not. Loki had told her of how he had treated him as a boy, as if he were less than Thor. She felt angry about it, although she knew there nothing she could do to change it.
"All I'm saying is that you will regret not seeing them if you don't go," Loki said, offering his hand for her, which she took gladly and used his leverage to stand from the bed, feeling quite odd being nude next to his fully clothed form.
"But what about the the others? The people in the streets and such... What about them? I cannot bare to hear anymore of their horrible lies. I have not had to deal with them since we spoke with the Queen, but that's only because I have been keeping out of sight. I cannot go if I shall have to face them again, no matter how cowardly that is. I don't want anything else being said about him."
Loki's features softened, and he placed both of his hands gently on either side of her neck, his thumbs rubbing across her jaws. "Don't worry about that, love. They won't say anything."
"What's stopping them?" Sigyn said, beginning to panic. "What if the Queen was not able to stop it? It is surely worse by now."
"My mother didn't have to," Loki said, though immediately after he seemed to wall off his words, as if he had said too much. Sigyn did not understand.
"What do you mean?" Sigyn asked, her blue eyes searching Loki's green ones for answers that he was not willing to give.
"Only that the rumor is no longer an issue," Loki said, his voice flatter than before, but no less meaningful. "They will say nothing of you. And if they do, they will face the consequences."
"Consequences?" Sigyn said, her eyebrows furrowing. "I don't understand, I thought—"
"Please," Loki pleaded softly, lifting his hands to her head and smoothing her hair. "Just don't worry over it anymore. All that matters is that it is no longer a problem we must face."
Sigyn was unsure of what was happening, or what had happened, or what she had missed. She wasn't sure if Loki had done something to stop the rumor, or if Thor had, or if they had teamed up to do it. Maybe neither of them did anything at all. But she couldn't help but admit that despite her confusion and doubt of what had occurred without her knowledge, she was more relieved than anything. But her features apparently did not show that, and Loki continued.
"Trust me," he said slowly, quietly, the back of his fingers brushing her cheek all the way down to her neck.
Sigyn nodded her agreement, rising on her toes to kiss him briefly before stepping away to get dressed. Loki helped tie the dress on, though his hands were unpracticed in putting it on rather than taking it off.
Once she had finished dressing and had brushed her hair, they set off for the village in which she had grown up – the lowest peasant village in Asgard.
It was placed somewhat strategically in the middle of farm land, but the lots were uneven and the houses were built at different times, and it therefore caused the whole village to be divided into who had more land or a studier house. Neighbors were often bitter towards those who were unfairly given more for nothing, and the ones who had been given this unfair advantage in farming and in living quarters were targets for stealing and plotting. The village was an unsafe place on a good day.
Sigyn's father, Iwaldi, had inherited their humble – or, in other words, the unfair part of the lands that was smaller and harder to farm – plot of land and small, stone and wood house from his father, and his father had inherited it from his father, and so on. He had married young to Sigyn's mother, Sighild, and they had lived in the small, two bedroom home ever since. Its kitchen and living space were the same room, and the washroom was complete with a metal tub outside that had to be filled with each bath that one found themselves in need of, which Sigyn used to everyday.
Sigyn's bedroom, which barely fit a two-person bed and a dresser, was at the back of the house, and it withstood the coldest winters and hottest summers. She had shared the room – and the bed – with her little sister, Elizabeth, ever since she had been old enough to sleep out of a crib. Her brother Jamie had been put to sleep in the living room every night, for her mother claimed a lady must have a room by herself or with another lady. Astrid, Sigyn's even younger sister, had slept in a crib in the living area where it was warmer, but Sigyn supposed that by now she would have moved in with Elizabeth. Sigyn's parents room, which was scarcely bigger, was next to the back room, but it was warmer and cooler in the seasons because of its more central location closer to the middle of the house.
She had never known how bleak her living situation was until she had been sent to school. She had attended the upper class school, using all but every coin of her family because her mother wanted her to meet the possible suitors there. Sigyn would have minded being placed in the middle of so many people who were so above her, but it had turned out that Thor and Loki had begged their father to allow them to attend school, and had been there for years before Sigyn arrived. At that point, she had still been friends with Loki, though they had stopped meeting in the playground and began having happenstance meetings near the market or palace.
But they had become friends once again in school, although Loki left soon after she had started going. He had finished his studies, and Sigyn was saddened by his absence. But her mother had been right; there were countless young men, most warriors-to-be or guards in training. But Sigyn disliked them all. Looking back, she could not tell if it had been because she was still still sad about Loki – and the knowledge of never being able to be with him, let alone tell him how she felt for fear of utter and complete rejection – or if she had simply not found them suitable. That wasn't the case for them, however; they found her very suitable, and she found herself on the receiving end of quite a few offers, though she was very quick to – kindly, she had tried – reject them all. Her mother had been outraged at her refusals, and had blamed her for their near starvation due to the coin pouring into her education even though she had never asked to go the school in the first place. Her brother Jamie had tried to console her when she would lock herself in her room every night, but even he was busy with courting and beginning work with her father.
When her schooling had ended, she sold her books and tried to make up for her disappointment by giving the money to her parents. They had taken it, and her mother seemed to forgive her, but Sigyn knew she was still harboring a bitterness about it.
They made it through the grounds surrounding the palace without any words said against them, but Sigyn could not be sure if it was because it was all over, or if they would not say anything in front of Loki. She tried to stay positive, but the words said in the market replayed in her mind all too often for her to think too far ahead of herself.
She pulled her cloak and furs that Loki had given her further around her shoulders and placed a hand below her belly and the other on top. Her back was aching so badly now that she was tempted to stop at every bench they encountered along the path. Soon, Loki wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him as they finished their walk.
"We could have called for a carriage, you know," Loki said, looking down at her with worried eyes.
"I know," Sigyn said, smiling up to him brightly. "But I like the fresh air. Even if it is cold. I wanted to feel the air."
Loki nodded. "Fair enough. Though I will not be blamed if you catch cold," he jested, but then his smile faded and he looked forward again, towards the path beneath their feet.
Sigyn could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn't want to talk about whatever was irking him. Sometimes, she knew, he simply could not speak of what was on his mind. He always came around, though, and she knew she could talk to him that night. What it was about speaking of catching cold that had upset him so, she couldn't even guess. But she wanted to help all the same.
They arrived at the village, and Sigyn felt a strange sense as she walked the road between the houses. A road that had been so familiar not seven months before was now strange and unknown to her. She had been there not three times since she had found out about the baby, and she felt suddenly guilty for leaving her family in the dark for most of her pregnancy. Still, another part of her knew it was better in the palace, away from their judgment and ridicule and negativity.
"Okay," Sigyn said, taking a deep breath as they approached the front door. "Gods, don't let them say anything too horrible."
Loki chuckled, taking her hand in his as they stood on the doorstep. "We can handle it, Sigyn."
She nodded, though she wasn't so sure she could or not. She lifted her hand and knocked on the door, which only made her feel even more odd. Knocking on her own door instead of simply entering felt alien.
The door opened, and Sigyn immediately smiled at the sight of Jamie standing in front of her. She had not expected him to be there; he had joined their father's work and was even busier than him, with an able, young body and a growing knowledge on the farm equipment.
Jamie had been shocked about her pregnancy, of course, but he had also always known how much Sigyn had loved Loki, and so he hadn't had a problem with it, per say. But he hated being in the middle of an argument, so he kept his mouth shut on the subject, which she was thankful for. She didn't want to cause an even bigger stir in her home than she already had.
"Sigyn," her brother greeted, before she stepped into the doorway and hugged him tightly.
Jamie hugged her back, though he seemed hesitant, which she guessed was because her round, pregnant belly was between them. She pulled away after a moment, taking a step away and looking over him while reaching for Loki's hand again.
"I did not expect to see you here," Sigyn said. "What brings you?"
"What, a son isn't allowed to visit his parents?" Jamie jested, smiling before looking to Loki. "Wow," he continued, looking over Loki's extravagant armor with raised eyebrows. "Should I bow, or...?"
"There is no need," Loki said with a sort of scoff, extending his arm in greeting, to which Jamie grasped his forearm in return.
"Where are our parents?"Sigyn asked, intertwining her fingers with Loki's unconsciously.
"They went to the market, as they always do on Wednesdays," Jamie replied. "They should be home shortly, though. I was hoping to surprise them when they came back."
"Where are the girls?" Sigyn asked next, glancing behind him to the small living space. She did not see Astrid's crib.
"They accompanied them to the marker," her brother said. "I was hoping to surprise them, too."
"Well, you've surprised me," Sigyn said, glancing to Loki before looking back. "I wish to sit down, if that's alright. My back is positively killing me today."
Jamie led them to the single couch by the fire, which was roaring in warm glory. Sigyn sat down on the old cushion, withholding a painful groan as her back found somewhat of a relief. Loki sat next to her, fingers still intertwined, and Jamie made sure the fire was refreshed before sitting across from the couple in the rickety, old, golden colored armchair.
"So," Jamie started slowly, never having been one to hold back anything he wanted to say. "A baby on the way, huh? Baby boy, from what I've heard."
"Yes," Sigyn said, running her hand over her belly. "I'm six months along."
Jamie nodded. "So... does his... parentage, make him a prince?"
She almost answered, but she realized that she honestly did not know the answer to his question.
Did it? She had never thought about it. Loki was of royal blood, but she certainly wasn't. Was that enough? Did they have to be married? Would their son be treated and given the rights of a prince, or a bastard?
"Not officially," Loki answered, sounding all too hesitant himself. "Since he was conceived out of wedlock and with a peasant, he is not a prince."
Sigyn wasn't disappointed, by any means, but she worried about what their son would be if he wasn't a prince. What was next in line? A noble? A bastard? Less?
"Well, what if you were married? Would he be a prince then?" Jamie asked, and Sigyn's heart rate rose.
She had never mentioned marriage for several reasons. She didn't want to seem forceful or annoying; she didn't want to rush into anything even though she would be perfectly blissful in a marriage with Loki; she didn't want Loki to feel cornered... the list went on. But she never thought that it particularly mattered. She was happy where they were, and she feared what would happen if something changed.
Loki seemed nervous, too, though she wasn't sure if it was for the same reasons or not.
"I... I actually don't know," Loki said, and Sigyn could tell right away that he was lying. "I would have to ask my father."
"The king. Right. He's your father," Jamie said, as if he couldn't believe it.
Loki swallowed. "It doesn't matter, though, to be honest. Being a prince isn't all it's drawn out to be."
Jamie seemed unimpressed. "And being a peasant is. How 'bout that."
"I'm... sorry," Loki said, seemingly confused but still obviously nervous. "I meant no off—"
"You didn't offend him," Sigyn intervened, fearing an argument. "Did he, Jamie?"
Her brother rolled his eyes, having been used to Sigyn's peacekeeping tactics since they had been children. "No. He didn't."
Sigyn nodded, glad to have stopped the possible political argument before it had the chance to start. An awkward silence filled the air then, filled by nothing but the crackling of the flames and Loki's deep breaths through his nose.
She squeezed his hand and look up to his face, drawing his attention and giving him a look that asked if he was well. His lips thinned slightly, but he nodded and looked forward again. Sigyn wondered if he knew she could tell that he was lying, or if he was oblivious to the fact that she could see right through him.
"Have you thought of any names?" Jamie asked, leaning back into the chair and looking them over.
"No," Sigyn said, unable to stop the smile from spreading across her lips. "But we'd better soon. Only three months to go."
"What about Jamie?" her brother suggested, smirking and raising his eyebrows.
"Gods, no," Sigyn laughed, and Loki managed a polite smile.
The front door swung open then, sending a gust of cold air in that welcomed Sigyn's parents into the room. Her mother came in first, basket full of nearly-rotten food in one hand, an empty glass jug in the other. Her father could be seen behind her, leaning on his cane, looking much older than he actually was. Elizabeth came in between them, holding the hand of Astrid.
Her mother noticed Jamie first, but the large, happy smile that had appeared on her face at seeing her son faded when she saw Sigyn and Loki.
"Oh," was all her mother managed, before walking into the home and placing the basket on the ground. "Look who's here."
"Mother, father," Jamie greeted, standing to hug his mother and grasp his father's arm. He bent down to hug a very excited pair of girls, and then stood again. "I've stopped by to catch up with things. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course we don't mind," Sigyn's mother cooed, petting Jamie's hair before she looked back at Loki and Sigyn.
Loki stood when her parents entered the living area, and he, too, grasped her father's arm. But he did not hug her mother, which was an action Sigyn would never blame him for. Her mother's hugs, which were very few in number, were hard and coldly forced.
"Sigyn wished to see you," Loki said, his polite smile returning. "She missed you, it seems, and so here we are."
Sigyn's mother's smile was gone, and her lips thinned, and she nodded once. "Fair enough. But you can't stay for dinner – either of you. I've only bought enough for us and the girls."
"It's alright," Sigyn said, deciding not to mention the savory, hot meal that awaited them back at the palace. She stood with some difficulty, opening her arms for Elizabeth.
"Sigyn!" Elizabeth said gleefully, running over and hugging her older sister. Astrid had never particularly liked Sigyn, and so she stayed with her mother.
"Elizabeth," Sigyn said happily, petting the girl's head lovingly. Elizabeth had always strove to be just like Sigyn; Astrid had always clung to their mother, and Jamie had turned out just like their father, inadvertently or not. Sigyn had not wanted to be like either of them, though she respected them; she wanted to make her own way, and try to be less hard-hearted than her mother.
"Wow," Elizabeth said slowly, her tiny hands touching Sigyn's protruding stomach in wonder. "There's a baby in there? That's amazing. Mother says I shouldn't be happy about it, but... it's a baby! Babies are cute and cuddly and soft, and when they laugh, it's just the cutest thing ever. Mother also said that you wouldn't be happy about it, either, not after—"
"That's enough, Elizabeth," her mother chimed in harshly, pulling the girl away by the hand. "Now go take Astrid in your room. I'll be there shortly to get you cleaned up for supper. Go along now, hurry up."
Elizabeth seemed dejected as she solemnly took Astrid's hand and disappeared into Sigyn's old room.
"What did she mean?" Sigyn asked immediately, her heart rate once again racing. "Not after what, mother?"
Her mother waved her hand dismissively. "She's a silly girl. She doesn't know what she's saying."
Sigyn was not pleased with her excuses. Elizabeth was very intelligent, she always had been. Sweet, caring, and smart, and she wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't thought it was worth saying, or if it wasn't true. But what could it have meant?
She was so deep in worried thoughts that she hadn't even heard her father begin a conversation with Loki. When she zoned back in, however, she heard them speaking of the palace, and how Sigyn's accommodations were being handled given her background.
"My fa– the king, has given Sigyn permission to live there, and we're sharing quarters next to the nursery," Loki was saying, his hands folding behind his back, his polite smile tense on his features.
Her father tilted his head slightly. "Really?" he asked, his cane leading him further into the living area. He sat down in the armchair with an exhale, his face still contorted in confusion. "The king so easily let a peasant into the palace to live?"
Loki's fake – but rather convincing if you didn't know him well enough – smile never faltered as he walked into the living area and sat across from her father on the couch.
"It required a little persuasion," Loki continued, nonchalant. "But it was nothing too difficult."
"Persuasion," her father repeated, leaning his walking stick on the side of the chair habitually. "Does that mean he doesn't approve?"
Sigyn's words fell from her lips before she could stop them. "Oh, and you do?"
Loki looked barely surprised, but Sigyn's parents – especially her mother, who had frozen in shock in the kitchen – were not so equally nonchalant. Her father stayed silent, like Jamie in the way that they did not want an argument.
Sigyn knew she had done a bad thing, had set off a course of events that would lead to a stressful day, and as she slowly sat down next to Loki, she felt guilt settle in her gut for ruining their day.
"Excuse me?" her mother said, offended for some reason. "Are you insinuating that we aren't supporting you? We offered to allow you to stay here, with us, and we would have helped you raise the child, regardless of its parentage!"
Sigyn took a deep breath. "I moved to the palace because—"
"Because it was the 'best thing for you and the baby'? Well, I think you know my thoughts on the matter," her mother continued, her chin rising slightly as she made her way into the living area. Jamie stood awkwardly in the background near the door, as if he was ready to leave but didn't know how to interrupt such a conversation to say goodbye.
"Yes," Sigyn said calmly, a small, bitter smile finding its way to her lips. "I do. You think Loki will abandon me, and that I will come crying back to you with an infant in one arm while my other arm grasps for my mother. But you're wrong. That will not happen."
"Do you really think that?" Loki said, seemingly unable to believe that her mother could be so foolish.
Her mother seemed to withhold her words, her gaze shifting uneasily to Loki and then back to her daughter.
"Would you rather speak alone?" her mother asked, pretending as if it were a suggestion and motioning towards her parents' bedroom.
Sigyn did not want to go with her, or to speak with her alone. But she also didn't want to leave the matter unsettled. Her eyes met Loki's gaze, and he looked doubtful; he was looking at her, sitting on the edge of the cushion of the couch, and he seemed to be asking her – do you really want to do this? He knew how much her family's disapproval upset her.
But she really had no choice when it came down to it. Besides, it was just her mother. What could possibly go wrong, other than bitter words exchanged and a few brutal judgmental statements?
"I suppose," Sigyn said, standing from the couch with a struggle and leading the way into her parents' room.
Her mother shut the door behind them, and Sigyn immediately sat on the bed, supporting her belly with her hands. She was six months along, which would put a strain on anyone's back, but her small frame caused even more pressure to be loaded onto her lower back and binding spine. That, and their son was apparently on the large side, which put no relief in sight. Even so, the pain did nothing to distract her from her mother's austere stare, from her position by the door.
"Well, what do you wish to say, mother?" Sigyn said, her hands smoothing the fabric of her dress over her belly.
"Just that I hope you realize that the prince will not have such... strong feelings for you once the baby is born. He will realize the responsibility he has, and has never had before, and will soon turn his back on you," her mother said, barely glancing at Sigyn's belly before looking away, as if she couldn't stand the sight of it.
Sigyn swallowed, her own gaze lowering to stare at her stomach, to relish in the feeling of him stretching inside of her rather than to endure the harsh gaze of her mother.
"No he won't," Sigyn said, her tone still calm. She continued before her mother could speak again. "And I'm not just saying that because I love him, and I'm somehow oblivious to his feelings. He loves me, mother. He really does. And he loves our son, too, and he's willing to anything to make sure we're happy. He even stopped a rumor from spreading about us! I don't know how, or if he even did it, but... He seemed to know something about it, and I assume he had something to do with it."
Her mother's mouth opened, but then it closed, and she avoided eye contact with Sigyn. Her hands had no place to go, apparently, as they fidgeted and then eventually folded together in front of her.
Sigyn knew her mother well enough to know when she was hiding something. She had hidden countless things from her, starting with the troubles her and her father had in their marriage, to the complications she had when she was pregnant with Elizabeth. Not to mention she never told her more than the very basics about sex, or about men or anything of the sort.
But right then, when her mother didn't answer with a snide remark or a disapproving glare, Sigyn knew in her heart that something was wrong.
"Mother," she said quietly, slowly standing and taking a step towards her mother, who still didn't look at her. "Do you... do you know something about the rumor? I... I had figured you would have heard about it, but I supposed you would have thought it was untrue. You do know it's a lie, yes? That I would never do anything like what they said I did?"
"I know you wouldn't," her mother replied, finally looking her in the eyes. "Listen, Sigyn... I just wanted what was best for you. You know that, right?"
"No, I don't," Sigyn said immediately, her calm tone gone completely. "You've never supported me with anything that I ever wanted in life, why would you start now, when I've disappointed you the most? Mother, please tell me what you know. Do you know who started the rumor? Or why they did it?"
Sigyn's mouth went dry with anticipation of finally knowing who started the wretched rumor, or why they would do such a horrible thing to someone they shouldn't have anything against. But her mother hesitated again, and Sigyn became increasingly uneasy. Something wasn't right, and she could feel how much her mother wasn't saying.
"It's just that I thought... I thought if you would come home, and live here, that... that you would be happy, and I would have my daughter back, and the baby could go to a loving home somewhere and our family would be intact again," her mother said, tiptoeing on her words like broken glass.
Sigyn's stomach seemed to melt, and what replaced it was a coldness that crept through her entire body. Her arms felt numb, and her head swam in a rocking sea of shock, her relentless denial mixed with a bitter realization filling her thoughts and fogging her senses almost completely.
"Wh-what?" Sigyn said, her voice barely above a whisper. Tears were nearly rolling down her cheeks, but she didn't know it. "Mother... did you..."
"Oh, Sigyn," her mother said, coming closer. "I only wanted—"
Sigyn took steps away from her. "You wanted your reputation cleansed," Sigyn spat, her throat burning with the withheld cries and her voice full of anger and sadness. "You wanted me gone, and to hand my baby off to someone and to pretend as if none of this ever happened."
"Wouldn't you be happy? Here, with us? You wouldn't have to worry about—"
"The only thing I have to worry about," Sigyn started, swallowing in order to finish her sentence without breaking down, "is you, mother."
Her mother said something, but Sigyn was deaf to it. She pushed past her and into the living room again, tears rolling completely out of her control down her cheeks and nose. Loki stood immediately, his features morphing into a heavily concerned expression.
Sigyn walked to him, and he met her halfway. She grabbed his arms, not even glancing at her father or brother. Loki held her by her elbows, supporting her as she cried.
"Loki, please take me home," Sigyn cried, not even realizing she had referred to the palace as her home. "Please, I don't want to be here anymore. Hurry, please, lets just go."
Loki pulled her against him tightly, holding her head and shoulders against his chest, and suddenly the floor dropped out from beneath her feet, and she experienced a feeling of weightlessness for a second. In an instant, however, she found herself in their chambers, safe within the palace and away from the betrayal that filled her old house.
"Sigyn, what is it? What happened?" Loki said, holding her upper arms gently and bending down slightly to try and see her face, which was contorted with sobs. "What did she say?"
"Oh, Loki," Sigyn sobbed, her hands grasping at his arms desperately. "It was her. It was my mother all along and we didn't even know it."
"What was her? Darling, what did she do?" Loki said, his voice a breathy whisper in fear of what she would say.
"It was her," Sigyn repeated helplessly. "She – she started it. Loki... my mother started the rumor."
A/N: [record scratch] Whoa, there. Were you expecting that? Bet not. That was the plan.
Anyway! HI EVERYONE WOW IT'S BEEN A REALLY LONG TIME AND I'M REALLY SORRY
But really, exams really took a lot of my time, and I really wanted this chapter to be up sooner, too! I also wanted it to be much longer than the rest of the chapters, and so at least I accomplished that. I love plot twists, and so naturally this was a blast. I've been planning that one for a while ;) I also deeply enjoyed writing more on Sigyn's backstory, as I know that hasn't been entirely clear to you all, along with the fact that she's been my favorite person to write ever.
Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! They seriously made my day each time one of them appeared, and I just felt so lucky to have such lovely people reading my story. I'm so sorry, again, that this took like two months or some ungodly number like that. But I hope you can enjoy it all the same, and I hope you can review, too! 3