I'm numb. I can't believe it. I hear her say something but I don't understand what she said. I run to the edge and just sit there not looking down yet. I can't yet. I hear the snap as her body hit the ground and her bones all snap and break and I realize that she's gone. She's just killed herself, because of me.
"Tris" I gasp as I look over to see her body broken and mangled, just like at the first part of initiation with that girl. My brain finally catches up to me and I understand what she said.
"I love you Tris Prior" I whisper to her and I just stare at her body. I can't believe this. What the hell is wrong with me? My breath catches in my throat, what did I just let leave me? It takes two people to keep a relationship moving forward and I let my side go when I went after Marlene. I let her go. I made her do this. I drop to my knee's looking over the edge, how will I ever live with myself after this?
I feel arms around me and I look at Marlene. I stare at her hard, and I wrap my arms around her. I'll keep this relationship; I promise that I own her that. I will never do that to another girl. I put my head down and look back at Tris as I start to cry. She's gone.
"Four?" I hear Uriah say, I nod my head to let him know I'm listening, Marlene looks at him and I just keep my head down. He says something else but I'm not really listening. I can't right now. At this moment, I'm thinking about when I left her this morning to go to Marlene.
"Is that..." he trails off not even able to finish his sentence. I nod again and close my eyes. She's gone, the girl the girl that I gave everything to, is gone. How did I let this happen? I'm numb; I feel nothing, not grief or sorrow, nor pain anymore. I feel numb. I stand up and stand right on the edge with my arms wide, I feel Marlene wrap her arms around me.
"Don't worry Mar, I won't" I whisper to her, feeling her worry seep into my body. I wonder how it would feel to do it. To just fall and let life take over me. I'd never pitched myself down though; it would be a sign of immaturity to run from my problems. No, I will sit here and face them like a calm headed adult. I shake my head and the tears flow again. I sit down my legs dangling and lay back and just cry. I don't know what to do. It's my fault. My entire fault. I stand up again and walk away from the edge.
"I'm sorry" I whisper over and over again as I walk away. I don't want to think about what I've done to such a beautiful girl. She had so much courage and I stripped her of it. I took everything she had to offer and then I ran. I didn't really want her. I wanted the unknown. I wanted a taste of what it would have been like to take and stay in Abnegation and she was my chance to see what it would have been like.
Tris was the past. She was what would have been and instead of breaking off with the past I found someone else to rope into it and I roped her in well. I then hated the past so much I ditched this girl. I lied to her and cheated I hurt someone more than I should have ever have been capable of. I blame Marcus.
Marlene looks at me and I look at her, she wraps her arms back around me and I instantly know that Tris WAS the past and Marlene is the future. I shake my head staring at the space where Tris should have been. I still can't believe she's gone.
I laugh quietly to myself, I don't really know what else to do. Man, I'm such a fuck up. The past? She wasn't the past. She was who I wanted myself to be. She was strong, brave, courageous, selfless, selfish, smart, kind, she was everything that I wanted to be. She was the picture Divergent.
I don't know what she would have been; she would have been perfect for someone who wasn't me. At least the others didn't find her or it would have been so much worse. What am I even thinking?
"Come on Mar" I say as I start walking towards Marlene's room, I don't want to be in mine and Tris' right now I know what must be everywhere. Her. Just her. I don't want to remember her, I know that I'm going to for a while but I don't want to. I want to get rid of her I don't know how to though.
I hope she's happy wherever she is. I hope she finds someone that will love her and take care of her. Maybe she's with her mother and father. Maybe she's with Will and Al. I don't actually know. I shake my head and look around at the people starting to filter out of the cafeteria. Breakfast will be ruined. Tris will be honored by drinking and partying and where will I be? Drunk off my ass inside my room with my head in her pillow.