There is always a trauma after an assault especially after shooting, so...

Chapter 8 - Dealing with Trauma

They stayed at the Huntsville police station until late night. So many statements needed to be done, so many questions and the only thing Gail wanted to do was to go to Holly and hold her tight. Instead she was at the station doing nothing but thinking about a dead madman. At least they were provided with clean clothes and offered a refreshing shower when all the evidence was noted.

"Peck!"

The said officer looked up to see her Staff Sergeant. "Sir?"

"Thank God you are alright. How did it go?" The girl only shrugged. "Where are the others? I got only brief introduction but without any names."

"Staff," called a male voice. They looked up to see Dov. "Hi, we are done here." One by one the rest of Toronto guys came from their interrogations.

"What happened? Where is Silver and Dr Stewart?"

"At the hospital, Sir," said Nick. "They are alive," he added quickly.

"Who shot?"

The men looked down at their female colleague.

"Oh." The Sergeant understood without the need of words. "I'm going to sort things out here so we can go."

Half an hour later they were ready to leave. Gail took back Holly's car-keys and played with them in her hand. Holly.

"Peck, are you going with us or staying here with Silver and Dr Stewart?" asked Frank tentatively.

"Staying," she peeped out not moving her gaze from those keys.

"Diaz, Collins, take our cars and let's go home."

Gail arrived to the hospital and asked around. The nurse called for Dr Springs who took Gail to one of the staff rooms. The blonde pointed at the sign 'Staff only', but Jenna smiled and opened the door. It was a small room with two sofas placed in L shape, coffee table and a kitchen corner with a little refrigerator.

The smaller couch was occupied by Priscilla with her injured leg up. She looked at the door and grinned tiredly. The other couch was spread out and Holly was dozing there. Both women were in clean hospital clothes, looking slightly better than a few hours ago. The constable quietly lied down by her girlfriend, embracing her gently. She felt a gentle ruffling of her hair so she looked at her colleague.

Priscilla shook her head and stretched out closer, speaking just above a whisper. "We don't know what Holly has been through. You hugging her might feel like tying her up and if she was tied up, she would want to get free and in the process you might obtain a hard punch."

That made sense so the blonde repositioned herself to lie side by side on her back. The doctor shifted as well and wrapped her arm over Gail's mid-section. I feel like a teddy bear, thought the officer with a smile on her lips, closing her eyes. Finally Holly was back by her side, literary. She felt another ruffling so she bent her head backwards to look at the other police worker.

"Thank you."

After the much-needed sleep, Gail was woken up by whispering voices. She stayed still in her position, listening what was going around.

"… that is true, but you never needed my approval," said Priscilla quietly, "I am just the friend who is here when things go south in any kind of way."

"Hmm."

"I have faith in this one. Nevertheless," she raised her voice, "if she hurts you I will tear her apart," she finished aloud.

The supposedly sleeping woman snatched for a small pillow and threw it at the other officer's direction. "Five more minutes," she whined sleepily.

Jenna opened the door tenderly not to disturbed the sleeping visitors only to find them wide awake. "Hi," she greeted with a broad smile. "I brought breakfast." She placed a plate of cakes on the coffee table.

"Meal! Cool," rejoiced the older police worker. "Thank you very much. Also thanks for the hospitality."

"No problem. If it wasn't for Holly and her help with all the biology stuff I wouldn't be a doctor now," she offered another smile to her colleague who only nodded. "Anyway, when you are ready, seek me and I'll check you out so you can go home."

Gail fetched for three cups of coffee and once the women finished breakfast and were released from the hospital, they took the road back to Toronto.

Three hours later they arrived to the 15th division. Right when they entered the station, a loud applause burst in the room. One by one of the newcomers were wrapped into hugs and congratulations of their friends. It felt good to be home.

The Staff Sergeant called them into his office. "Great to see you all back," he smiled. "Dr Stewart, we still need your statement." Holly nodded.

"Sir, is it really necessary? The man is… gone," said Gail looking down at her hands.

"Unfortunately yes, so we can close the case."

"What do you know about him?" asked the other female police worker.

"Well, Nash and McNally did pretty good work here," said Frank searching for a file in the disorder on his desk. "Here it is. Charles Murray, born 1976, psychiatrist, single, no children. He spent his childhood in Muskoka. When he was twelve his mother left him with his abusive father for a kindergarten teacher – a woman," pointed out the Sergeant and continued, "He had some records of being held for violence and alcohol during his teenage years. Later he moved to Toronto and started a promising medicine career of specialisation in deviant behaviour. A year ago he left the work, quit every contact he had and practically disappeared until now."

"Bloody git," cursed Priscilla.

"Also," continued the dark skinned man. "McNally dug out his activities during that year. He was a part of an underground church with very strong believes in only heterosexual relationship. They participated in several unofficial gatherings in parks and public places, but nothing big, only small fines for disturbance. Murray was never caught but the two people you found with him, they already had records."

"So if we summarised it," spoke up Gail still trying to put everything to its right place and understand this violent behaviour. "Because of his mother's 'sin' letting him only with his not very good father, he studied psychology to brainwash gay women, and participated in homophobic activities. But shouldn't he be more concerned with the child abuse?"

"Well, he studied medicine, without medicine he could not be a psychiatrist but only psychologist. Obviously he needed pills and medical skills for something. Anyway, it was because of the traditional family, I guess," replied the dark haired police woman. "I hate psychology but this seems something like: only man and woman could found a family while males are bread‑bringers and females protect," she emphasised, "offsprings and provide the gentle, sensitive, loving warmth of the family and raise the children."

"Someone forgot to tell this to my mother," commented the blonde. "I still don't get it."

"Ah, hm, there is more," snorted Frank browsing the papers. "Here it is. His father died when Charles was eighteen, drunken accident, or at least it was supposed to be."

"He killed his father. He pushed him out of the balcony because he wanted to go back to his mother and live with her and her new wife whom he would persuade to change genders," it was the first time the doctor spoke up since they arrived. "Instead he obtained scholarship, so he kept studying and in his spare time he searched for his mother. Until he found her, he would 'fix' the twisted female relationships which came in his way."

Priscilla began growling with every world and Gail felt her own anger rising at the end she slammed the table in front of her and stood up, pacing in frustration.

"Alright ladies, thank you," sighed the elder officer. "Silver, you take your medical leave –"

"No way," protested the young woman.

"You were stabbed."

"My bad, I did not expect him to be skilled in martial arts. I am fine now. Only have an itching leg."

"You should stay home until you are healed properly. And you need clearance since your weapon was taken and shot from."

"Yea. Murphy's laws happen when I take a real weapon out. Come on Frank, we both know you would put me on desk duty for a week. I cannot stay home for long. I would be bored and think about the itching leg and scratch it. If I'm at work I won't have time to think about itching and scratching."

"Alright you workaholic, but take it easy." He shook his head in disbelief and looked at another of the women in his office. "Peck, you will take the leave without discussion. I need you to be able to hold a gun without freezing." The said woman nodded fidgeting at the mention of weapon. "I will set meetings with Lena Dwyer for you and Dr Stewart." Both women nodded at the same time. Though the constable was not very happy about the idea of going to the same shrink to whom she swore she would not switch teams. Right now it seemed amusing contrary to the recent events.

Holly parked the car in front of Diaz-Peck-Epstein residence but no one moved. The driver was looking ahead in front of her with stony face and the blonde looked at her. She did not want to leave her side and also did not want to leave the doctor alone. "Let me stay with you," requested the police woman. There was no reply so she clarified her thought. "Temporary, until this situation calms down." Still no reply. The officer sighed and reached for the handle.

"OK," said the doctor finally without any change of expression.

"OK," repeated the constable and left the car to go and pack some of her things. She was very worried about her precious girl. She knew that everyone dealt with trauma differently, but Holly was totally out of character. No facial expression, no emotions in those normally warm chocolate eyes and no big nerdy words. Gail had to wonder what really happened but was tactful enough not to bring it up until the doctor was ready.

She left a note for her roommates that she would be spending some time with Holly. She made a bag and returned to the car. She saw her colleague hugging her girlfriend around her neck from behind saying something but the scientist stayed the way she had been before the youngest of them left. The two pair of blue eyes met and the older woman shook her head.

Holly did not speak, they were like two strangers sharing an apartment and bed but that was all. No words, no action, nothing other than books, press or TV that was more for the background effect than actual entertainment. The officer tried to make conversation several times or even came and join on the sofa hugging her girlfriend, but there was no positive reaction out of it… neither negative, just and simply nothing.

After two days the doctor returned back to work, leaving early in the morning and staying late without any comments or a seed of explanation.

A week passed by and Gail got really bored. She could not watch TV, every time someone pulled out a gun, she had a flashback and left the room, many times to the bathroom, crying, throwing up or washing her face by the coldest water that was possible to pump out. She went extra jogging, walking through every park for hours but soon it became boring as well, because nothing helped to ease her mind.

Since the doctor was not home most of the day and the blonde's clothes were getting fewer, she did laundry, and then she washed everything available. Other day she cleaned the living room form dust… and the rest of the flat as well. And the floor too. Oh dear, she was really losing it. PlayStation was no fun, because in every game she had, she was supposed to shoot. TV was not much fun either. Neither cartoons programs. Animals were gross, hunting each other or being hunted and killed and eaten. Actually the only station the officer could watch was cooking… daily… for hours. And why the heck not? Some recipes seemed interesting and the meals looked great, so Gail started cooking. By the end of the third week the young woman became a complete housewife, something she never believed she would do. Out of boredom, out of fear, out of guilt. She needed to do something to stop thinking about a man with a bullet hole in his head because she pulled the trigger. She needed to keep her mind and hands occupied by the things she could do no matter how small or big those things seemed.

The pathologist was still uncommunicative. One would think that spending time with her patients in silence would make her want to talk, Holly used to talk about science-y stuff as well as regular day life. Now their relationship was purely physical. The doctor come home, took a shower, demanded Gail's certain attention that the younger person always gave without objections –even though the blonde was never allowed to pay the favour back–, ate whatever the police woman managed to cook and went to bed to read a book or a journal.

Gail tried to hold her patience as much as possible, she did not ask, she did not snark, she was the absolutely perfect girlfriend for the whole three weeks. Nevertheless she missed her beloved person so much. She missed the warmth that always melted her icy attitude. She missed the brain and medical jurisprudence lessons, she missed the small touching and hugs, especially now when she herself felt like a crap. Why could not they feel crapy together? It would ease the pain, right?!

It was one of those many nights the young blonde spent on the couch sobbing desperately, thinking of her precious girl and the madman whom she had to shoot, when someone opened the door. She supressed any more tears and looked around to see her colleague. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. You need a break."

"I am not giving up. Holly was always there when I needed her regardless if I wanted or not."

"Has she said anything?" asked Priscilla sitting down on the sofa.

"Nope. Not even to that shrink Frank sent us to."

"She needs to open up and get it out of her system."

Gail snorted. "Her way of getting it out of her system is to take me to the bed and then leave."

"Sex is the usual response to black moods. Holly was great at it, is she now insensitive?"

"Oh no, she is amazing, but she does not let me have her. It's like she either despise my touch or I am really horrible."

"I doubt it." The blonde woman raised her eyebrows. "Holly is a sexual being. She goes for it with all she is as a giver as well as receiver."

"Why am I even talking to you about this? How do you know anyway?"

"Because we both care about her," she replied with a half-smile.

"Holly has changed in character. She doesn't really care about anything. Many times I wonder if she really reads those books when she stares at one page for twenty minutes."

"Without a word?"

"Without a single weird nerdy word. I know what it is to be kidnapped. That's why I cannot leave her despite feeling like a housekeeper."

"You and cleaning?" the brunette asked doubtfully.

"Hmm. Anything that can keep my mind of…" she trailed off. It was so hard to say the words aloud.

"Is it still that bad?"

"Yeah."

"You should talk to Andy. She had to kill in self-defence too," suggested the dark hair officer. Obviously she managed to dig up information about her fellow colleagues. In case of McNally it was not that hard since that woman liked to talk a lot.

"No way. I would rather keep cleaning and cooking."

"Well, I clean properly when I am really pissed off." The blonde looked at her confused. Priscilla smiled and continued. "You have to… squeeze Holly. Be tough and make her tell you at least something."

"Why me?"

"You live with her. Holly is my friend, we hang out, chat, share beer… she will talk to me sooner or later whenever she feels up to. It's just a matter of going to the next building and visiting me, but we don't spend together every day, all day."

"No, I won't pressurise her. I would screw up."

"You need to shut down. You are over-worked. Wow, I haven't believed I would ever say that about you."

The blonde chuckled. "Me neither." She looked at the other woman. "I don't want to lose her when I have found her."

"You are whiny and clingy, you must get out." Gail sent her a sharp look, but could not deny the truth. "Listen, there's a party at The Penny tonight. I promised Chris you will be there, so get dressed and go get drunk to empty your brain. I will stay with Holly tonight and share another quiet beer."

The next morning Gail had one of the biggest hangovers ever. The sun tried to pierce the dark curtains and she frowned at the sunrays. With a moan she opened her eyes. As predictable there was no one else in the bed. Her dry mouth pled for some liquid and she found a large glass of water on the bedside table and some pills. Taking them, she headed to have a shower. The body felt slightly better but the head was about to explode any minute. A tasteful smell floated from the kitchen so the young woman followed it there. A strong beef soup was calling her name. It seemed that after a long time Holly cooked. Maybe the officer should get drunk more often.

The constable looked around and spotted the steaming pot on the cooker and a plate next to the counter. She grabbed the ladle and loaded herself a large amount of so much needed meal.

Holly was sitting in the armchair reading newspaper.

"Thank you so much for this," said Gail but as usually there was no response, so she ate quietly and watched the doctor staring at those papers not turning a page. "What is so great in the press that you haven't moved a muscle for the last ten minutes?"

"I am trying not to overthink things."

Wow, first reaction in a long time. "And what have you been doing for the last three weeks?" snapped the blonde. Hangover always made her cranky and today was no exception. Especially when she was so fed up of Holly's behaviour.

"You came home with these," said the doctor and raised her hand with some keys. "And I am very sure they are not yours."

Jealousy was not a feeling that the police worker was ready to deal with, but at least some emotion finally came out of the brunette. "They are not."

"Care to explain?" asked the scientist standing up and coming to the kitchen when her girlfriend was seated now with an empty plate in front of her. The said girl just shrugged. "Whose are these?" Another shrugged. In a quirky way it was a special moment for Gail to see her girl finally talking more than one word answers and she wanted to keep that up at least for a few more minutes. "Gail?" Just a little bit longer. "Fine." Holly threw the keys to the other woman and turned around.

"Oliver gave me the keys the other night. He suggested we should take some time off together, away from the city and everything. They are to his cabin."

"Do you want to go?"

Gail chuckled sadly and shrugged again shaking her head. "The right question is if you want to go. You haven't spoken to me properly for weeks. Actually you have been avoiding me the whole time."

"Hmm."

"I thought it's your way of dealing with things, but to be honest I am tired of the constant silence. I miss you." Another quiet moment followed, so the blonde stood up and cleaned her plate.

"Fine, let's go," was the final decision again completely emotionless.

They did some shopping and the constable drove them to the woods not so far from the city. First few deep breaths of fresh air significantly calmed her preoccupied mind. The whole drive she had to think about what and how to crack Holly open. This was a unique opportunity and most likely the last chance. Her friends were right, she could not keep this up for long, it was slowly killing her and even though she would do anything for her girlfriend, she had a job to attend and her own shooting problem to deal with.

Once the generator was started up, goods were placed on their spots and fridge was stocked, Holly pressed the blonde to the counter and began kissing her passionately. Gail pushed her away looking to the eyes where it was so hard to read those past weeks. The doctor leaned for another kissed but the officer did not let her.

"No," she shook her head. "Not until you tell me at least something."

"Gail, I don't want to talk about it."

"You will have to," the police woman pulled two beers out of the fridge, took Holly's hand and led her to an armchair. She pushed the doctor into it and threw one beer into her hand. The officer sat opposite of her on a coffee table, very aware of the fact, she was invading personal space. "I gave you three weeks to open up but it seems that you need a little push."

"Gail…" moaned the brunette.

"No, stop Gail me. Listen, I have a pretty good idea about what and how you feel. One and a half year ago I was kidnapped myself. The operation went well, except none of us expected that a taxi driver was the killer. I was assaulted at home, drugged and tied down. The next thing I recall was that I woke up in a cellar, blindfolded, tied to a table with a needle in my arm for two days. Oh and those shoes if his. I will never forget the sound of them on concrete stairs. And I knew what would happen next, I saw what he did to the victims. He raped them and killed them. I was desperate. Every second felt like an hour and every hour like eternity. I could not escape, I could not do anything except cry which earned me another amount of drugs being pumped into me. Next I remember he untied me from the table and dragged me away, out of the house when someone attacked him. It was Jerry – Traci's fiancé, actually they had only a few days before marriage. And he was killed, because of me. I spotted Jerry in a puddle of his own blood. Perik pushed me into the trunk of his car and drove away, somewhere very far away where he could finish the sick work of his."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah, they usually write only the important stuff like an officer being kidnapped, a detective killed in action, an assaulter caught and sent into jail."

The scientist stared at her for a few seconds and then wrapped her into an embrace with the speed of lightning bolt. "You could have been killed because of me too," whispered the doctor into her ear.

"Nah, I had a good team with me."

"But you killed for me." At that statement the constable stayed quiet. She shivered a little and tried to keep her stomach calm. Holly pulled away and sat back into the squashy armchair.

"Hmm, actually Dov is right, the thought that I saved my friends helps but I won't be alright until I see it was worth it."

"What do you mean?"

"You. I want you back, hell I need you back." She threw her hands up in the air and sighed, standing up. "I want to see you smile, I want to watch you at work squinting at something in your dishes, I want to hear your big nerdy words, I want to share your weird ideas, I want you to snap back at any rude and mean comment I might have, because Holly…" she waited until the other woman looked straight at her in the eyes, "I love you."

The silence fell down in the whole cabin. One could hear a nail dropping. Complete silence, just silence.

"I don't know what to do," whispered the doctor.

"Let me get close to you. I pushed people away too but in fact I wanted them with me."

Holly stood up and hugged the blonde again, gently this time pulling her as close as humanly possible. "I am sorry," she whispered and places small kisses on the crook of Gail's neck.

"Promise me you will tell me what happened."

"Later," said the brunette and moved her kisses up to her girl's ear and along her jaw.

"What is it with you and making-out?"

"I like it. It's fun."

"But you don't let me provide the fun to you." Gail pulled back slightly. "Did he…"

The doctor shook her head. "No. His violence was mostly psychical. Physical too but not that way."

The blonde's hand travelled down to upper female areas of the other woman. "I am so glad you are here with me," she whispered and started kissing her.

"Gail, stop no, not like that."

"You know I am willing to be your sex-slave but this slave wants to take charge sometimes too. If you haven't noticed, I am very dominant."

The doctor chuckled. "I did notice since the first time, but please, not yet."

"No, it's time to crack your walls." With that the officer sneaked her hand down to the brunette's jeans.

Holly tried to push away but the other woman held her still, she even pulled the scientist's head down to capture her lips. It was a battle of strength as well as desire. Who of whom. The police officer or the athlete. They fell down on the wooden floor, clothes throwing everywhere. There was no foreplay, just fight for dominance, where one wanted to just provide the pleasure while the other refused to be the slave again…

"Well, that was good," stated the blonde, placed a kiss to her girl's lips and with her last willpower she sauntered to a bathroom before her partner would have any chance to leave first.

After a refreshing shower, she found Holly sitting outside with her jeans back on and a heavy jacket. For a moment the constable wondered what was under that anorak, but what really caught her attention was another beer in the brunette's hand and a…

"Since when do you smoke?" wondered the officer with her eyebrows raised.

"It's said you should smoke after sex," the other woman replied plainly.

"Is it better?" The scientist only shrugged. "And how is it going with your health, Doctor?"

"Why do you have to criticise me?"

"I don't. I'm trying to understand this new you but so far no luck."

"I am going to bed," announced the brunette and went inside. For a moment the younger woman debated if she should follow or stay on the sofa. She decided for the couch. With a cup of tea she sat down and sucked out her cell phone. Flipping through the gallery of her and Holly's pictures made her smile. They were so happy and free. Of course and incident like being assaulted and kidnapped changed everyone but did not the weirdo realise how much it meant for the police worker to kill someone? And yet she did that for Holly, to save her, to free her, to have her back. Alas nothing had changed the doctor's mood.

She was woken up by footsteps and then the rising sun. She groaned and stretched her stiff body.

"Gail, why haven't you come to bed last night?" asked the scientist worriedly.

"I must have fallen asleep here." She narrowed her eyes at her girlfriend. "What time is it?"

"A little after 8. Pancakes or a proper bed?"

"Are you going to cook?" Something like that had not happened very often those days.

"It's just eggs, flour, milk and a pinch of salt mixed together and fried."

"Pancakes it is and then bed."

Gail opened her eyes from sleep after one in the afternoon. It was a nice wake-up call made by a delicious smell of roasted meat and potatoes. "Hmm, smells good."

"Hey, you're awake," smiled the doctor.

Smiled? She really smiled! The blonde almost did a happy dance. "Yeah, the couch does not provide a good night sleep."

Holly closed the distance and wrapped her arms around the officer's waist. "You will come to bed tonight, right?"

"Depends," the police worker leaned in for a tender kiss. "Meal first."

"Yes, Madam." They moved to the kitchen part and the brunette prepared two plates. "What about taking a walk later?"

"In the woods?" wondered the blonde.

"Are you scared?" teased the other woman.

"No if you take an axe."

"Alright."

They went for a walk. And they got lost. Completely lost. Holly tried her best to find their way back but she always managed to take them deeper into the forest. At the end Gail let the scientist off hook and led them back by the manner she had been taught to find since her childhood. The reward for the Hero of the day was a nice large comfy bed and long rest for her tired body. Browsing hours in the nature felt like a day in gym.

When the officer woke up, she noticed she was spooned by her beloved person. She snuggled just a little bit closer to enjoy the moment. With a smile on her lips, she fell back to sleep. Maybe Holly was finally getting better.

... and maybe not. Those of you who wonder what really happened to Holly... next chapter :P

thank you for keeping reading!