Chapter 11: Nightmares and Memories

A heavy weight placed itself onto Akihiko, making it difficult for him to breath as he struggled to get out from under the older boy that was on top of him. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could in fear of what was going to happen to him.

"Oh, come on, Aki-kun," he heard the older boy whisper in his ear, his hot breath causing Akihiko to shiver in disgust as they grasped his thin wrists in an iron grip firmly above his head.

"Don't be shy, show me that lovely face of yours." the voice said, grabbing his chin firmly and turning in upwards to face them, their nasty breath filling Akihiko's nostrils as he screwed his face up and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

"I want to see those lovely eyes of yours…" they growled, digging their fingernails deeply into the undersides of his wrists, causing Akihiko's eyes to pop open in surprise from the unexpected pain.

Akihiko was face to face with the home tutor his father and mother had hired, their noses almost touching as the older boy smiled cruelly at him.

"That's better. You know, you do have the loveliest eyes that I've ever seen, Aki-kun." the boy said, caressing Akihiko's face softly with his hand. The action caused Akihiko to tremble slightly in fear, terrified at what was going to happen to him as he wondered how things had come down to this.

About three months earlier, Akihiko's mother and father had hired a home tutor to help Akihiko with his studies, even though he had immaculate grades and didn't need the extra help. Because of this, they had decided to use the tutor as a sort of babysitter to keep an eye on their teenage son, since both of them were almost never home - due to the fact they were in the middle of finally getting a divorce - and were worried that Akihiko would possibly throw a party or some other sort of delinquent action inside of the Usami mansion while they were away.

Akihiko had found the whole idea very stupid, since if his parents would have taken the time to actually pay attention to him, they would know right away that he had no interest in parties or drugs of any sort - he had learned a long time ago that acting out in search for attention would only backfire in the end, and in result he would gain nothing.

So, against his protests, they had hired a tutor. The tutor was only twenty - just a few years older than Akihiko - and had short, jet black hair and dark beady eyes. He had visited the Usami mansion every day during the week, a few hours after Akihiko would arrive home, and would go over his almost always flawless homework and notes. At the end of the day after dinner, the tutor would leave, only to return again around the same time the next day for the schedule to repeat itself over again.

The few times that they had actually seen him or talked to him on the phone, Akihiko's parents had been very fond of the boy. Tanaka, the house butler, had spoken with the home tutor several times, and found the boy to be quite charming as well, and assured the Mister and Misses that the young master would be in great care while they were gone, and that he trusted the young man entirely.

Akihiko, however, didn't trust him at all.

He always felt as if the tutor's eyes were on him, watching him or, a better term for it, stalking him and every move he made. When they were alone in Akihiko's room, the tutor had a tendency to get very close to Akihiko whenever they went over his homework, touching him or placing his hand on his shoulder at any chance he got.

Akihiko felt disgusted over the whole situation, contemplating whether or not to complain to Tanaka or his parents and ask for a new home tutor, but he knew that he would most likely be brushed off or told that he was overreacting. At the time, Akihiko had become very self destructive, and could honestly care less about what happened to him at this point in his life.

He got amazing grades, had amazing looks and amazing writing talents - but for what? To sit around alone all day, locked up inside his family home, surrounded by greedy bastards who wanted nothing more than money and more fame?

By the time the tutor had been around for about three months, Akihiko had decided that he didn't care enough to tell his family that he suspected him to have ulterior motives.

This particular day, however, Tanaka had had to visit a location on business, and had left Akihiko mainly in the care of the tutor. Night had fallen, and many of the maids or servants had already gone to bed as Akihiko went over his last page of notes for the end of term exams that would take place the next day.

The tutor checked the practice problems that Akihiko had completed, circling the last one before smiling brightly at him.

"Wow, you got a perfect score again, Aki-kun! I'm sure you'll do amazing on the tests!" he said.

"Don't call me that." Akihiko said bluntly, neatly placing his papers into their proper folders and then his folders into his backpack.

"Eh? What's wrong with calling you Aki-kun, Aki-kun?" the tutor said, twitching slightly through his cheerful mask at the younger boy's blunt statement.

"It's rude - don't act as if we're friends." Akihiko said, placing his bag near his closed door before he sat on his bed. He looked at the tutor blankly, only making the older boy more irritated as he tried to keep a sickeningly sweet smile plastered across his face.

"Eh...rude?! But, I've been coming here almost every day...I'd say that we're friends," he said, stalking his way over to Akihiko before sitting next to him.

"Actually," he began, placing his hands on Akihiko's shoulders. "I'd say that we're very good friends." he whispered.

Akihiko slapped the older boy's hands away, quickly scooting towards the head of his bed to place distance between the two. Unphased, the tutor crawled over towards him, invading Akihiko's personal space.

"Aw, well that wasn't very nice, Aki-kun." he said with a small smile, his eyes narrowing down to two dangerous slits, causing Akihiko to swallow the lump that was beginning to form in his throat.

"You're too close. Back up." he ordered, meeting the older boy's gaze.

"Or what?" he asked, inching closer.

"Or I'll tell my parents that you've been harassing me - they'll fire you in an instant." Akihiko said, trying to sound intimidating. The tutor's eyes widened in surprise before he threw his head back with laughter, startling Akihiko where he sat.

"Oh, Aki-kun, you say the funniest things." the older boy said, regaining his composure as he giggled slightly before looking Akihiko in the eyes.

"If you really believed that, you would have asked for a different tutor already." he said cooly, a smug grin placing itself on his face as he watched Akihiko's reaction to how he had seen right through him.

"Besides," he said, advancing towards Akihiko again as he placed his hands firmly on either side of Akihiko's body.

"Do you honestly believe they ever listen to a word you say? When was the last time you all sat down and ate dinner together? Or the last time they actually bought you a present that you wanted for your birthday? Or simply asking you how your day went?" he said, the truth of his words cutting into Akihiko like a knife. The older boy leaned towards Akihiko to whisper into his ear.

"I bet they don't even know that you want to become an author, do they?"

Akihiko backed up sharply, panic filling his chest as he looked at the older boy in front of him who had somehow discovered his biggest secret.

"But...I...how did you-? I never said-" he stammered, trying to think of how the tutor could've possibly figured it out.

"Oh, come on Aki-kun, it's obvious - I've seen the way you write, and do you honestly think I haven't noticed how many spare notebooks you have in your backpack? If I'm correct, I'd say that they're stories." he said, causing Akihiko to begin to sweat nervously as the older boy continued.

"Besides that, Aki-kun, I've seen the way you conduct yourself - you're always spacing out, as if you're bored of this reality and delving in your own. In fact, even when you are back in reality, you're always analyzing things, as if you're trying to find some hidden meaning in them or some poetic purpose. And those are the things about you," he said, leaning forward to whisper into Akihiko's ear yet again while he was still shocked.

"Those are the things about you that I find unbearably sexy." he said, capturing Akihiko into a kiss while he still had an opening. Akihiko's eyes widened in horror before he roughly pushed the older boy off of him, gasping for breath before the older boy knocked him down and placed himself onto Akihiko's chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

"GET OFF ME!" he shouted at tutor who simply kept him pinned down as he yelled.

"PERVERT! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, GAY?!" he yelled, thrashing out at the older boy before he pinned his arms down as well.

"How do you know you aren't, Aki-kun?" he whispered into his ear before kissing it, causing Akihiko to shiver in disgust. The older boy brought his head back up to look at Akihiko straight in the face - those dark beady eyes that Akihiko had always hated bore into him, daring him to challenge what the older boy was saying.

"I've never seen you bring girls in here, and I doubt that you have a girlfriend, so how would you know what it's like to be with a woman? If I'm right, I bet the thought of being with a woman repulses you, since you'd probably just have a fake relationship and end up married to a stupid bitch like your mother." he said matter-of-factly, smirking at Akihiko as realization had hit him that - as much as he hated to believe it - the pervert was right.

When Akihiko had been a child, he had accidentally walked in on his mother while she was having an affair. Even at such a young age, he knew what was happening, and the sight itself had disgusted him to no end. That day, women had been ruined for him - he believed that, no matter who it was or what she could say, no woman would love him for him as long as he was wealthy, and that as soon as someone better looking or richer came around, they would leave him in a heartbeat.

The thought terrified him, and he had never allowed himself to open up to any girl all through his teenage years. He reluctantly looked at the older boy who held him down, feeling himself go limp as despair began to overtake him as he felt himself giving up.

"Aki-kun~ I can show you just how fun it can be, if you just let me~" he said, kissing the side of Akihiko's neck.

He probably won't stop even if I ask him to...and he's a lot stronger than me...Akihiko thought, contemplating his options.

There's no way I can fend him off, and no one is around to hear me call for help…

"Aki-kun~" he heard the older boy say, breaking him away from his train of thought.

"Please, make your decision soon, I'm a rather impatient man, you see," he said, biting Akihiko's neck rather harshly, causing him to stiffen in pain.

Just give up...yeah, giving up is the least painful option he thought, he eyes closing halfway.

Just give up…

"...Alright." Akihiko said, giving in to the older boy who, in return, gave him an unnerving smile.

"I'm so glad you were able to see it my way, Aki-kun. Now," he said, his gaze suddenly darkening. "Please, if you would, be as compliant with me as possible, so this doesn't have to hurt more than it needs to."

Usami Akihiko bolted upright in his bed, gasping for breath and covered in sweat. He grabbed his face and felt around him in a panic, sighing in relief when he realized that he was alone in his bed and awake in his condominium.

He sighed, realizing that he was no longer a teenager, but an adult. He sat in the dark, rubbing his eyes as he became more aware of his surroundings, his nightmare fading the longer he stayed awake.

God he thought, shivering slightly as he wrapped his arms around himself. Out of all my memories that are returning, that one is by far one of the worst ones.

It had been two months since Akihiko had been in the accident that had caused severe head trauma and, just as the doctor had predicted, his memories had begun to slowly come back to him in time.

Some of the memories were good, like when Akihiko had won the distinguished Naomori Award, at the time making him the youngest recipient ever to receive the award, or when his first BL novel he had written had skyrocketed in sales in a very short time.

Some of the memories, however, were crippling - many of them being memories he had repressed before the accident, and remembering them were like reliving the incidents themselves all over again.

Usually, these sudden flashbacks would occur at night, or after Akihiko had fallen asleep, causing vivid nightmares to occur while Akihiko slept. Akihiko found them particularly terrifying, however, because he could never tell whether or not he was dreaming or not. Because of this, he had been getting less and less sleep, often going without it for days in fear of these nightmares.

Akihiko sighed as he checked the digital clock next to his bed.

2AM he thought, removing his shirt that was soaked in his sweat. He ran his fingers through his hair, tossing his shirt to the floor which was already littered with various clothes and toys that Akihiko was too lazy to pick up.

Is it worth it trying to go back to sleep? he wondered before he hesitantly laid back down on the familiar mattress, pondering his newest regained memory.

I hadn't thought about that incident in years...a decade, maybe?

Akihiko shivered slightly at the unpleasant memory he would have much rather have forgotten about himself, remembering the touches and caresses of the tutor that had taken so long to eradicate from his memory.

His heart ached and his body twitched, causing him to curl up into a tight ball as the rest of the memory came to him against his will.

I don't want to remember it he thought, squeezing his eyes shut as he grasped his head firmly with his hands.

Please, God...anyone...I don't want to remember…

What happened…? Akihiko had thought, rubbing his eyes as began to sit up in his bed when a sudden pain jolted his lower back.

He grabbed the lower part of his back as he let out an audible gasp, the pain quickly jolting him awake.

What is this…? he wondered, when a familiar voice coming from his right broke the silence.

"Ne, Aki-kun~ What's the matter? Does someone not feel well, hm?" he heard, the voice practically dripping with sarcasm.

A feeling of despair washed over Akihiko before he turned, coming face to face with his older tutor who was lying naked next to him in his bed. He was looking at Akihiko with a sickeningly smug expression, his chin resting on his folded hands as he kept himself propped up with his elbows.

Akihiko felt his stomach tighten as he remembered what had happened to him. He looked away quickly, grasping the thin sheets to cover as much of himself as possible.

"Aw, c'mon, Aki-kun," the older boy cooed, reaching over to brush a hand over Akihiko's knee, causing him to flinch at the sudden touch.

"Won't you look at me?" he asked, his eyes narrowing as he smiled knowing just how flustered he was making the younger boy feel. He loved the look of despair and confusion that had planted itself on Akihiko's face - a face which was normally neutral and void of emotion, as if everything around him was uninteresting and dull. Being able to crack the younger boy's shell and expose his true emotions gave the tutor a rushing sense of power and control as he caressed Akihiko's thigh.

Akihiko, however, didn't look at the older boy. Instead, he kept his head down as his panicked feelings and emotions ravaged his mind. His eyes were glossy as he stared into space, not even hearing the older boy's request to look at him.

Why...he thought.

Why is it me who has to suffer this?

Akihiko loosened his grip on his sheets, allowing them to fall slightly from his body. He silently looked down at himself, extending a pale arm in front of him to examine it. The pale flesh was covered with scratches as well as kiss marks that bruised his sensitive flesh. He closed his hand into a fist as he tightened his arm, making the marks even more apparent to Akihiko's eyes.

Akihiko - to the tutor's surprise - said nothing as he looked at them.

Removing his hand from Akihiko, the tutor said nothing as he watched the younger boy examine the rest of his tattered body, interested in if the younger boy would react at all. He watched as Akihiko slowly removed the sheets from his body - his chest, his abdomen and even his legs - and how he examined every scratch, mark, and even bite without so much as flinching, even though he had been so surprised by the sudden pain moments before.

Akihiko looked down suddenly, spotting a stain on the sheets.

...blood? he thought, looking down at the crimson stains.

This...this is my blood...he realized, his thought process delayed by the sudden shock of the situation he was in. Everything felt as if it were moving in slow motion for Akihiko, and it was as if his senses had heightened as he took in his surroundings.

I feel gross...he thought. His muscles ached in pain all over and his head was pounding. Dried sweat covered his body, making him feel dirty and sticky. His throat felt raw and he felt what he guessed was dried tear stains streaked across his face - a feeling that was foreign to him, since he made it an effort to never cry, no matter how frustrated or sad he felt.

His eyes were half drooped before he raised his head to meet the gaze of his tutor, who looked at Akihiko with a small, smug grin on his face as he watched all of the pieces come together in Akihiko's mind as his eyes widened.

I had sex with him...Akihiko thought, swallowing in an attempt to sooth his parched throat.

My virginity...he took it…

Shame washed over Akihiko, despair consuming him as the older boy merely smirked, relishing in the look of realization on Akihiko's face.

"Oh, Aki-kun, I love you like this so much more ," the older boy began, wrapping his arms around the dazed Akihiko's neck.

"I love you like this - when you're a lot more...expressive." he said before biting the shell of Akihiko's ear, causing him to tremble slightly in disgust in the older boy's arms.

"It's a nice change to see you look or say things different than your usual generic garbage." the tutor said, pulling away slightly to look Akihiko in the eyes again.

"Like instead of your usual monotonous 'get off of me', I rather enjoy your screams of 'no! please stop!'!" the tutor laughed. His laughter echoed off of the walls of Akihiko's room - the sight of someone gaining so much joy at such a horrible thing struck Akihiko to his core.

"Funny, it sounded to me," he continued, tightly grasping Akihiko's thin chin.

"It sounded to me, at least, as if you were completely at my mercy." he whispered, his dangerous tone causing the hairs on the back of Akihiko's neck to stand on end.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Akihiko asked, his voice cracking due to his raw throat as he pulled away from him.

"What do you mean, what the hell is wrong with me? Hah, my feelings are hurt, Aki-kun." the older boy said with false sorrow, pouting slightly at Akihiko.

"You're as much to blame as I am - you're the one who seduced me in the first place. Aki-kun, such a naughty child you are, your parents would be ashamed." the older boy shook his head at Akihiko, clearly enjoying himself as he toyed with the younger boy's emotions. Akihiko felt his anger begin to build at the older boy's words.

"Bullshit." he rasped.

"I did no such thing to you, you repulsing pervert." he spat. The older boy didn't so much as blink at Akihiko's words.

"Ah, well, whatever you have to tell yourself that helps you sleep better at night, Aki-kun~" the older boy said cheerily, stretching his muscular arms over his head before sliding out of Akihiko's bed , his bare bottom flashing in Akihiko's peripheral vision before he pulled on his boxer shorts that had been tossed on the ground. The tutor drew open the curtains from the large window - the bright morning sunlight temporarily blinding Akihiko as the tutor began dressing himself.

Akihiko went to move when he felt a sudden stab of pain in his lower back yet again. He felt nauseous as a sweat began forming on his forehead. He grunted before collapsing back onto his pillows, curling in slightly on his side as he waited for his head to stop spinning.

"Aw, what's the matter, Aki-kun? Do you not feel well~?" the tutor said, looking over his shoulder at Akihiko as he buttoned up his shirt.

"Well, I guess I was a tad rough on you for your first time, Aki-kun, so this one is my bad, sorry!" he said, winking at Akihiko, making him wonder how the older boy could talk about such vulgar things in such a cheery voice - it frightened Akihiko, which was a very rare occurrence.

Akihiko closed his eyes, a crease forming in his forehead.

Why today…? I have exams to take...on top of that, Hiroki is probably going to be waiting for me soon…

"Don't worry, Aki-kun~" Akihiko hear the older boy say. Snapping his eyes open, he found his face only inches from his tutor's.

"I'll take care of everything, so you just stay here and rest~" he kissed Akihiko's forehead before leaving his bedside. He opened the door, pausing before leaving to look over his shoulder to smile at Akihiko.

"I can't wait until my next visit, Aki-kun." he said, making Akihiko's blood run cold.

"I promise you, it'll be twice as much fun as this first time, Aki-kun." the tutor winked at him, smiling darkly before quickly shutting the door behind him.

Akihiko felt himself slowly growing depressed as the meaning of the older boys words weighed on him. He shook slightly, feeling ghost touches of the older boy's tongue and hands touch his body. Twitching, he closed his eyes in an attempt to think of pleasant thoughts to calm his troubled mind.

Instead, to Akihiko's dismay, only bad thoughts and inner doubts clouded his already disoriented mind. Akihiko was terrified as to what the older boy's words entailed, while also he thought about what he was going to do until then.

Should I tell my parents…? he wondered, immediately scoffing at the thought.

No way. They'd never believe me no matter what I said.

Akihiko felt sadness tugging at his heart. Even after all of this time of knowing it, the fact that his parents still held almost no concern for him still hurt him greatly. Along with this, he thought, the building frustration of being unable to communicate his thoughts to them caused him much distress. This fact was also one of the things that encouraged him to become a writer, however, for the chance that maybe - just maybe - he would be able to produce the words to finally make them understand, after all this time, what he really felt and meant. Nothing more. Nothing less.

But, for now, Akihiko was still between a rock and a hard place in this situation.

Should I tell Tanaka, then…? he thought, thinking of the butler whom he was actually quite fond of, being that Tanaka was usually the one who took the place of his parents' constant absence in his home and life. After a few minutes, Akihiko had decided that he couldn't tell Tanaka either - if the man did believe him, then he most likely would feel extremely guilty for what happened to Akihiko, and Akihiko didn't want to have the poor man suffer the weight of that burden. He also crossed out the possibility of telling any of the housemaids for the same reasons.

Well, if I can't tell my parents or Tanaka...Hiroki, maybe? he suddenly thought, an image of his best friend crossing his mind.

Hiroki had been Akihiko's first real friend when the two of them had met by chance in the woods located on the Usami property. The two of them had been in elementary school at the time and had, slowly but surely, become close friends. Akihiko had even let Hiroki read the novels he wrote - a privilege he allowed to Hiroki and Hiroki alone. Hiroki had become one of the irreplaceable parts of Akihiko's life - when Akihiko spent time with Hiroki, he forgot about the burdens that were at home waiting for him, even if it was only for a short time each day.

Could I really tell him about it…? he wondered, when a sudden noise from outside caught his attention.

"Eh? Sick? What do you mean, he's sick!?" Akihiko heard someone shout from outside, their voice muffled slightly by the thick glass of the window.

Hiroki…? Akihiko thought, struggling to drag himself to the edge of the bed. Wrapping his sheets around himself, Akihiko rose unsteadily to his feet - almost collapsing as he kept an iron grip on the side table next to his bed. He slowly made his way over to his window, peeking outside to see where his friend's voice had come from.

The window in Akihiko's room was on the side of the Usami mansion that faced the front, giving Akihiko a spectacular view of the beautiful landscape of their front yard, while also being in the perfect spot to give Akihiko a clear view of the front doors of the home itself and the walkway leading up to them.

Sure enough, Akihiko saw Hiroki being shooed away by none other than his tutor, who easily pushed the shorter boy down the walkway away from the front doors and towards the direction of the front gates of the property. He opened the window slightly, making it so that could faintly hear what they were saying from the distance he was at.

"It's just like what I said, Aki-ku- I mean, Usami-san is sick today and needs bedrest." the older boy said, giving Hiroki a false smile in an attempt to reassure him.

Hiroki didn't buy it one bit.

"Hey, Akihiko is never sick, and he was fine yesterday - hey! Stop pushing me! Let me see him and make sure he's alright, will you!?" Hiroki shouted, challenging the older boy. From where Akihiko was standing, he could see the older boy's face begin to twitch in irritation at Hiroki's stubbornness.

"Look, you little brat," the older boy hissed, grabbing the front of Hiroki's shirt and pulling him up to meet his height. Hiroki didn't so much as flinch, even though his toes were barely brushing the ground now due to the older boy's height.

"When I say that Usami-san is sick, then I mean he's fucking sick. Now, get your short ass off this property and leave me alone, got it?" he growled, any sign of friendliness had disappeared from the boy entirely as he glared at Hiroki.

Akihiko held his breath at the comment, worried for his friend as he could only wait to see what Hiroki would do next. He smiled sadly, knowing that Hiroki would probably try fighting the older boy like the stubborn ass he was, though half of Akihiko hoped that he would just give up and walk away.

Hiroki, still dangling in the older boy's grasp, waited a few moments. He glared right back at the tutor with an equal amount of malice as he seemed to weigh his options. Finally, seeming to make his mind up on what he was going to do, he sighed and shook his head.

"Fine," Hiroki said, raising his hands in defeat. "I give up. I'll leave, if you just please put me down."

Looking pleased, the older boy slowly lowered Hiroki back onto the ground, smiling once more. Akihiko, however, was completely stunned - in all his time knowing Hiroki, he had never once seen him back down from anyone, no matter how much bigger, tougher or smarter they were. He stared at Hiroki in awe, when he noticed that his friend was slowly reaching his hand into his book bag without the older boy noticing.

Oh, no...Akihiko thought, his heart beginning to pound nervously.

What the hell are you doing, Hiroki!?

"I'm so glad you understand," the older boy said laughing, not even paying attention to Hiroki as he turned around to make his way back to the Usami house.

"Oh, and don't worry about Usami-san at all, I'll make sure to tell him you stopped- OUCH!" the older boy shouted suddenly, as a rather thick dictionary had made contact with the back of his head with a loud whack.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME SHORT, ASSHOLE!" Hiroki screamed over his shoulder as he dashed quickly for the front gate while the older boy was disoriented, disappearing before he could chase after him.

Akihiko covered his mouth as he silently shook with laughter, muffling himself so that his tutor wouldn't know that he had seen Hiroki throw a book at him and - worse - that it had actually made contact with the back of his head.

The older boy continued to shout angrily towards the direction Hiroki had run as he held the back of his head, which surely had to be throbbing given the massive size of the dictionary that had hit it. He angrily kicked the dictionary into the grass before stomping it into the ground, bending the cover and ripping the pages while covering the book with dirt.

Once he was finally satisfied with the damage he had done to the book, he straightened up his disheveled clothes and ran his fingers quickly through his hair before silently making his way towards the gates. Once he had disappeared from sight, Akihiko felt his entire being relax.

Finally, he's gone Akihiko thought, still giggling slightly at what Hiroki had done. He stopped laughing, however, when he thought about what would happen if he told Hiroki about what had happened between him and his tutor. Hiroki, being the caring friend he obviously was, would probably be upset with himself that he hadn't done more damage to the bastard when he had had the chance. He was always worrying about Akihiko, and cared about him deeply, and Akihiko knew that it'd upset him greatly if he knew what had happened to him.

No, I can't burden Hiroki with this, either...he thought sadly.

I don't want to make him sad...I don't want to get in the way of his happiness…

So I'll just keep this to myself. Akihiko thought finally, inhaling deeply before he stood up once more, wobbling his way back to his bed before collapsing face first onto the mattress.

I mean, what does it even matter, if I let this guy mess with me…? He thought, slowly closing his eyes, deciding to get some much needed rest.

It's not like I'm worth anything anyways.

The thought, once Akihiko had realized that it was present in his mind, made his heart ache almost unbearably.

As he slowly felt himself drifting off to sleep, he faintly remembered himself thinking a familiar phrase he had thought the night before.

Just give up…his mind echoed.

Just give up…

No one would ever fall in love with someone like me anyways, so I may as well just give up...

Akihiko - in the present - felt himself clench and unclench his hands that he held tightly around his blankets as the full memory of that day had come back to him.

His teenage years and young adulthood had been an extremely troubling and dark time in his life - and they were not the years of his life in which he was particularly proud of.

Sighing, he furrowed his brows at his decision to have let his tutor have his way with him - it had happened for many months afterwards, up until Akihiko had finally graduated and left the main home for college. Akihiko remembered the day he had finally gone back to school after the first time, when he had to wear long sleeves, long pants and even a scarf to cover all of the marks - the slight detail that it was also the middle of spring had made Akihiko look ridiculous, as well as hot and sweaty during the few days he had to dress that way until the kiss marks and scratches had finally healed and faded.

Akihiko had had to resort to this effort in covering the evidence on more than one occasion, but no one seemed to ever find any hidden meaning behind it - whether it be his teachers, parents, maids or even his friends.

Hiroki, Akihiko realized, did never mention the dictionary throwing incident. Hiroki had, however, questioned Akihiko more than once why he would sometimes wear such conservative clothing in when it was the spring or summer time, but after being blown off by Akihiko every single time he had questioned it, he took the hint and finally just stopped asking.

Akihiko rolled over in his bed, finally relieved that his nightmare and memory was over. The tutor incident had - though he hated to admit it - help him discover that he was gay, as well as teach him different things that he constantly used in his BL novels. When Akihiko thought about it too much, it did creep him out and unsettle him slightly, which was the main reason he had repressed the memory in the first place.

Ah, well...he thought, snuggling into his bed. Looks like I'll just have to start repressing those memories again…

But still, I can't believe that I had myself convinced no one would ever love me...it's insane. Akihiko thought, blown away as he remembered just how self-destructive and depressed he had been.

The knowledge that someone - that someone being Misaki - loved him was an extreme relief to Akihiko. It was a fact, even though any random passerby wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at him, that Akihiko had very little self confidence - most of it was all an act, tricking people into thinking that he had the power and self-esteem that he didn't. It worked like a charm, but Akihiko still felt as if his life had become pointless and bland without Misaki.

One of Akihiko's biggest fears when he had been growing up was that no one would truly fall in love with him - the real him - and Misaki was living proof that could eradicate his fears, and he would do anything - anything - to find him and bring himself peace of mind.

For now, Akihiko was unsure of himself - what if Misaki had just been an illusion of some sort?

No, that's just ridiculous. he thought, shaking his head at his outlandish fears.

To add to Akihiko's worries, he still wasn't able to recall anything about Misaki - however, his friend Hiroki had had Misaki in his Introductory Literature class when Misaki had been a first year college student, and had promised Akihiko - after the two of them had talked on the phone earlier that night - that he would give him a picture of Misaki tomorrow once he had finished teaching for the day at Mitsuhashi University. Akihiko, Aikawa had told him, did used to own pictures of Misaki, but the only place the files were located was on Akihiko's broken laptop that refused to turn on and on his cellphone that had been all but obliterated to pieces in the car accident.

Akihiko hoped that maybe if he saw a picture of Misaki, he would remember something. He was counting on it, and could hardly hold his excitement as he waited for the remaining hours before he would see Hiroki to pass. He wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to wait until he saw Misaki again - his heart ached for the missing boy every day, and there wasn't a single moment during Akihiko's day where Misaki didn't cross his mind.

Misaki, please come back soon. he thought, wishing with all of his heart that he would be able to find his lover soon. Though, like Aikawa had tried to tell him, so far he had had no luck in tracking down or finding a Tatsumi Misaki anywhere. It was frustrating, and Akihiko had had just about enough of failures for an entire lifetime.

When he had asked Aikawa what Misaki had looked like, however, she had described him as short and cute, with wild brown hair and shocking green eyes.

Brown hair and green eyes, huh...he thought, feeling himself slowly drifting back off to sleep.

Where have I seen that before...brown and green…

The author struggled to remember for a few moments, before he finally gave up and let exhaustion take over his body. He groaned inwardly, remembering that he had to go to a meeting at Marukawa Publishing the next day - apparently, it had to do with some collaboration with another mangaka named Ijuuin Kyo, who was the author and artist of the ongoing series The Kan (a series in which Akihiko personally hated, and wasn't even sure why he had tried reading the manga in the first place).

To make it even worse, a sudden emergency in Aikawa's family had arisen, and she had had to leave Tokyo the day before the meeting on short notice - which meant, Akihiko would have to go to the meeting by himself. He hated meetings and arrangements of any sort that required him to leave the house, and usually had to have Aikawa practically drag him wherever they needed to go in order to keep them from looking unsociable and unfriendly.

In just a few hours, Akihiko would to present his own manga series as well, which Aikawa had gone into depth about all of them. Akihiko had offered to just simply reread them, but Aikawa had refused, telling him that it was much better if he just let her tell him the plots. Akihiko didn't understand Aikawa's logic, but he didn't question it. The series itself was centered around characters similar to Misaki and himself from what Aikawa had told him, but unfortunately he had stretched the truth quite a bit in them for them to give him any real insight to any past experiences with Misaki.

He had, in fact, planned to read it on his own time anyways, but he felt as if Aikawa had planned on him doing that beforehand - in the past few months, Aikawa had kept the man busy from dawn til dusk, making it literally impossible for him to have any spare time whatsoever to read his own works.

Akihiko was starting to get suspicious of Aikawa, but he honestly had too much work to focus on to talk to her about it.

Ah well, I'll just deal with it eventually…he thought, absent mindedly grabbing Suzuki-san and cradling him to his chest. The action brought the man a slight sense of comfort, as if the bear could help ward off the nightmares that he feared so.

As he slowly fell back asleep, he couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to cradle Misaki to his chest like this - to wrap his strong arms around Misaki's small body, enveloping him in his own warmth while keeping them both protected from the world with a small shield of sheets.

Please, come back soon he thought.

I can't wait to see your lovely face tomorrow - a small photo will have to hold me over until I see you again.

Hello hello hello everybody! I'm so sorry this is incredibly late, and for all you Americans, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I was kind of nervous to post this chapter since I helped make a perverted/creepy/hateable character ^^" (since in episode one of Junjou how Usagi-san mentions a perverted tutor, and Don't Preach wrote an extremely well written fanfic that had a chapter about the tutor as well called Minimum Damage, so I thought I could give it a shot and write about him...) And you know what, what better than to make Usagi remember one of his worst memories of his past?! :D /shoots self/

Well, anyways I have a surprise...

Actually, I've been writing this fanfiction for National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, where the goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November, and I actually made it! I just didn't want to say anything in my AN's because I wanted to actually make the goal first...but I'm so excited!

Thank you all for your follows/reviews/favorites! They mean a lot and keep me going ^w^!

I've written a large amount of the next chapter already, so I hope that I'll be able to get it done sooner rather than later...

I hope that you're enjoying the story so far, and that you'll continue enjoying it as it progresses (If I don't mess it up OuO")!

-OopsIThoughtICouldFlyy